5/10
Yesterday marked one year since it happened; since I was raped. In some ways it's hard to believe that so much time has passed, but when I look back and really allow myself to think about it, it has easily been the longest year of my life.
A year ago I didn't think that I would make it to this point. I didn't think I would make it past an hour, or two. I didn't think that I would be able to make my way through an entire day. This time last year I was in denial, I thought I had imagined it all. I thought I had simply experienced a horrible nightmare that I just needed to wake up from.
I remember feeling separate from my body, like a switch in my brain had initiated cruise control and when my exit came I would somehow snap out of it and then everything would be fine again...but it never did. For days it went on, all I could do was cry until I was too weak to do even that. I remember only being able to rest for maybe 15 or 20 minutes at a time before waking up terrified for a few minutes before realizing where I was.
It didn't seem to matter whether I was in my own room, or if I was with my partner. I remember thinking that the pain was all I would ever feel again, that the guilt I never understood before was the only thing that seemed to make sense, and even though I struggled to form together even the simplest of words, inside my mind all I could do was scream.
I had felt my heart break in more ways then one, by more than one person. I had experienced devastation and wondered how I long it would be until I felt better again. But not this time. I had been transported to the darkest place I had ever been in, a place that I didn't have know existed until I found myself there. And there was no getting out, at least, as far as I could see.
It was slow going; every day was a challenge with ever hour filled with sense of hopelessness, of utter loneliness, of rage and anger and confusion, constant nausea and dizzy spells that would seemingly come out of nowhere.
5/17
When I set out to write this, I didn't have trouble finding the words; in fact they flowed so easily that I found myself wondering if it had actually been as long as the calendar says. I doubted that the justice which had been served was legitimate or whether I had imagined it all.
In my own way I became lost trying to navigate how the rest of my life is supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do next. So much of that year was simply trying to figure out how to get my life back, so much of last year was desperately clinging onto the hope and the indispensable belief that justice would be served, if for no other reason than because I couldn't picture what it would look like otherwise.
It's been a few months now simply just trying to get back to it all, and in some ways I feel lost without that desperation and that light at the end of the tunnel that I couldn't seem to erase from my mind's eye. It took weeks for it to really sink in that my legal fight was over, and not only that, but that I had won. I was victorious, and I could breath a little easier knowing that my attacker was behind bars.
In this past year, I have wondered several times what I would feel once I got to this point, one year past.
5/23
When I set out to write this I didn't expect it to take two weeks, potentially being the longest amount of time that I have spent working on a single posting.
When I made the decision to fight back, to fight for justice and ultimately decided that I wanted my life back; I didn't realize that the journey back to myself would be just as if not more difficult as the journey to justice.
No one speaks about how being a survivor is in itself a way of life. No one tells you that once the fight is over that a new one begins. No one mentions that every day can be its own battle to maintain what has already been so hard fought for.
I had hoped that once I had won my case that I wouldn't think about my attack or my attacker as often as I do. I didn't think I would see him in the features of strangers, I didn't think that I would have to regularly remind myself that he is in jail. I didn't think I would doubt my safety as often as I catch myself doing. I didn't think that I would be able to understand why victims some times choose to end their lives than to continue as intimately as I do even after so much time has passed.
But that's when I stop and I ask myself to look deeply at how much my life has improved in the last year; not because of what happened to be but in spite of it all.
I have a wonderful job where I am surrounded by amazingly supportive and compassionate people, I have a beautiful home where I feel safe and secure where I can practice my belief and my skills freely, I have a growing relationship with my siblings that I lacked this time last year, and I have a deeply loving relationship with a partner that I fall in love with every time I see them.
I may have been unaware that this next step was just that, it is simply the next chapter of my story, the next leg of my ultimate journey. I don't want to put some sort of illusion out there that this journey of healing will or will not ever have an ending, but I hope that it does.
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Full Moon in Libra Tarot Reading
Hello loves,
I realize this card is coming a bit behind the curve, and while I could thank any number of reasons why, suffice it to say that until this morning I was not connecting with the Universe and if I can't genuinely feel the message coming through, I feel it best not to share.
For this month's reading I decided to work with the DruidCraft Tarot by Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm.
This month's card surprised me a bit, there have been very few times when a Court Card as come up, and I do believe that this may be the first time that one has come up in the reversed position.
I began thinking about all of the energy that is present in the Universe at this time, and seeing this card, I think it hits the nail right on the head.
The Card I pulled, is the King of Pentacles, Reversed.
As soon as I remembered Saturn is in retrograde (which how could I forget being a Capricorn?) I almost started laughing. Venus, Jupiter and Mercury are also in retrograde at the moment, although some not for much longer. If you want to read more about these planets in retrograde, here's a fun article I found, April Vedic Astrology.
With all of the upheaval and the Full Moon being in Libra, calling for balance in all areas of your life, you might be wondering what the King of Pentacles has to say about it.
The King of Pentacles can represent a person who has reached their desired level of comfort. He wants for nothing and has worked hard for his position; he is kind and fair, and enjoys the best life can offer. He is a passionate person who loves his family, and takes pleasure in the material aspect of life.
When not representing a person, this card can mean that great success is being achieved, and it is time to treat yourself for all of your hard work. Perhaps you're closing in on a new home or have landed a new promotion.
However, when the King of Pentacles appears in the reversed position, he could represent a person in your life who is rigid, cold, stubborn, unwilling to compromise. This card could also represent a stall in negotiations or perhaps you could be suffering a financial loss.
As I was meditating on what the strongest message was, there was a great sense of 'holding my breath' like I was on the precipice of some sort of big decision, one that could change everything, I heard the same phrase over and over again,
this is the time to stop and ask yourself, is this really what you want? Whatever the it is for you.
If so, is this really the way you want to go about getting it?
Some times getting to the top means you're at the top alone, and even once you're there, do you have what you need to stay there? There are no guarantees in life, and the King of Pentacles urges you to see the realities for what they are.
Some times in our race to success we often overlook things we should not. The devil is in the details, and as painstaking as it can be, now is a time when it is of utmost importance to be thorough. And what's more, it is even more imperative to be honest with ourselves.
When planets are in retrograde, it can feel like we are under a microscope, which is not exactly a comfortable feeling. But I can promise you, that if you practice patience, and if you're diligent, things will come around, they will work themselves out, and you will be better off for it.
Better to take your time and be confident in yourself and your work than to rush in guns blazing half cocked.
Wishing you all of the best,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
I realize this card is coming a bit behind the curve, and while I could thank any number of reasons why, suffice it to say that until this morning I was not connecting with the Universe and if I can't genuinely feel the message coming through, I feel it best not to share.
For this month's reading I decided to work with the DruidCraft Tarot by Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm.
This month's card surprised me a bit, there have been very few times when a Court Card as come up, and I do believe that this may be the first time that one has come up in the reversed position.
I began thinking about all of the energy that is present in the Universe at this time, and seeing this card, I think it hits the nail right on the head.
The Card I pulled, is the King of Pentacles, Reversed.
As soon as I remembered Saturn is in retrograde (which how could I forget being a Capricorn?) I almost started laughing. Venus, Jupiter and Mercury are also in retrograde at the moment, although some not for much longer. If you want to read more about these planets in retrograde, here's a fun article I found, April Vedic Astrology.
With all of the upheaval and the Full Moon being in Libra, calling for balance in all areas of your life, you might be wondering what the King of Pentacles has to say about it.
The King of Pentacles can represent a person who has reached their desired level of comfort. He wants for nothing and has worked hard for his position; he is kind and fair, and enjoys the best life can offer. He is a passionate person who loves his family, and takes pleasure in the material aspect of life.
When not representing a person, this card can mean that great success is being achieved, and it is time to treat yourself for all of your hard work. Perhaps you're closing in on a new home or have landed a new promotion.
However, when the King of Pentacles appears in the reversed position, he could represent a person in your life who is rigid, cold, stubborn, unwilling to compromise. This card could also represent a stall in negotiations or perhaps you could be suffering a financial loss.
As I was meditating on what the strongest message was, there was a great sense of 'holding my breath' like I was on the precipice of some sort of big decision, one that could change everything, I heard the same phrase over and over again,
this is the time to stop and ask yourself, is this really what you want? Whatever the it is for you.
If so, is this really the way you want to go about getting it?
Some times getting to the top means you're at the top alone, and even once you're there, do you have what you need to stay there? There are no guarantees in life, and the King of Pentacles urges you to see the realities for what they are.
Some times in our race to success we often overlook things we should not. The devil is in the details, and as painstaking as it can be, now is a time when it is of utmost importance to be thorough. And what's more, it is even more imperative to be honest with ourselves.
When planets are in retrograde, it can feel like we are under a microscope, which is not exactly a comfortable feeling. But I can promise you, that if you practice patience, and if you're diligent, things will come around, they will work themselves out, and you will be better off for it.
Better to take your time and be confident in yourself and your work than to rush in guns blazing half cocked.
Wishing you all of the best,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
Back From Break
Hey there loves,
I realize that it's been a couple of weeks since I wrote last, and in truth it had nothing to do with 'not having anything to talk about' and everything to do with simply taking a step back and really letting my last article sink in.
Some times when I write, I feel more like a conduit for the messages versus being in the driver's seat; which I am not complaining about, but some times it takes me by surprise.
As I am preparing to take the next step in my journey, I thought I owed it to myself to simply take a break for a little while. Take a break from Facebook and my groups, take a break from watching Netflix and YouTube, I even took a small break from work (thank you vacation time.)
Every once in a while, we as humans just need a break. A break from our typical routines, a break from the people we see everyday (with a few exceptions as necessary), a break from the internet, really a break from any and everything that we allow to demand attention from us. Most of the time that includes the things that we love the most.
I know that I personally try avoiding extensive breaks simply because I have this habit of not coming back to things, I do eventually, but it can take time. It can feel like I'm losing momentum, and that in and of itself can be the very indication that I need to just listen to my intuition, and slow down.
I am beginning to be able to pinpoint the areas of my life where I don't trust myself as much as I do in other areas, and it's so interesting to me, because they are such little things in the grand scheme of things. Like coming back to write in this blog for example, it's not like I have any sort of schedule for myself unless it comes to the Full Moon postings or any postings regarding the Wheel of the Year.
I just don't work that way, in fact trying to have to many time restrictions and I become more tired and more resistant to writing at all. I end up feeling like I let myself down, or my readers down, and that's simply not the case.
I would so much rather give myself the break, and come back when I feel called to do so, and to just chat as I am doing now. Perhaps it's the fact that Saturn went into retrograde today, that I am feeling the ease of simply slowing down (being a Capricorn and all.)
Slowly but surely I am beginning to realize that I need to be as gentle and caring with myself as I am with others. I've lacked balance in that respect for such a long time that I think this break was perfect for what I needed.
I will also admit that there is a sense of readiness to return to my routines, I know that if I stray too far and my relaxation turns into laziness, and being that it's a rather fine line for me to begin with, I do my best to stay active.
Being that that I am currently having trouble remembering that we are in April now, I will do my best to stay on track and not let my April Full Moon Tarot Reading be late. I'm very interested to see if Saturn Retrograde will play a part in next weeks reading.
Until next time,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
I realize that it's been a couple of weeks since I wrote last, and in truth it had nothing to do with 'not having anything to talk about' and everything to do with simply taking a step back and really letting my last article sink in.
Some times when I write, I feel more like a conduit for the messages versus being in the driver's seat; which I am not complaining about, but some times it takes me by surprise.
As I am preparing to take the next step in my journey, I thought I owed it to myself to simply take a break for a little while. Take a break from Facebook and my groups, take a break from watching Netflix and YouTube, I even took a small break from work (thank you vacation time.)
Every once in a while, we as humans just need a break. A break from our typical routines, a break from the people we see everyday (with a few exceptions as necessary), a break from the internet, really a break from any and everything that we allow to demand attention from us. Most of the time that includes the things that we love the most.
I know that I personally try avoiding extensive breaks simply because I have this habit of not coming back to things, I do eventually, but it can take time. It can feel like I'm losing momentum, and that in and of itself can be the very indication that I need to just listen to my intuition, and slow down.
I am beginning to be able to pinpoint the areas of my life where I don't trust myself as much as I do in other areas, and it's so interesting to me, because they are such little things in the grand scheme of things. Like coming back to write in this blog for example, it's not like I have any sort of schedule for myself unless it comes to the Full Moon postings or any postings regarding the Wheel of the Year.
I just don't work that way, in fact trying to have to many time restrictions and I become more tired and more resistant to writing at all. I end up feeling like I let myself down, or my readers down, and that's simply not the case.
I would so much rather give myself the break, and come back when I feel called to do so, and to just chat as I am doing now. Perhaps it's the fact that Saturn went into retrograde today, that I am feeling the ease of simply slowing down (being a Capricorn and all.)
Slowly but surely I am beginning to realize that I need to be as gentle and caring with myself as I am with others. I've lacked balance in that respect for such a long time that I think this break was perfect for what I needed.
I will also admit that there is a sense of readiness to return to my routines, I know that if I stray too far and my relaxation turns into laziness, and being that it's a rather fine line for me to begin with, I do my best to stay active.
Being that that I am currently having trouble remembering that we are in April now, I will do my best to stay on track and not let my April Full Moon Tarot Reading be late. I'm very interested to see if Saturn Retrograde will play a part in next weeks reading.
 |
| Image from www.tehcute.com |
Until next time,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
As We Grow
Hey there loves,
Over this last year I have talked a lot about the struggles I have faced, my doubts and my insecurities and how helpless everything has felt at times. I have shared some of my darkest moments with strangers whom I might never meet, I have been vulnerable through an empty screen not because it's easier to do than to be with so with people, but because this blog really has turned into a giant mirror for me.
Writing has provided this incredible opportunity to take a long hard look and to face the emotions and thoughts that might not have a voice otherwise. I'll be the first to admit that for a long time I struggled with what I should be writing about because I just had trouble finding the words.
I would start off well enough and then something would happen, ranging from up setting to traumatic, and simply taking the time to process it through before coming back always felt necessary. Looking back through my postings it seems that there are far fewer instances where I have shared something on the lighter side of my life because in truth, writing has always been a tool in which to process my experiences and I think it's fair to say that our more difficult experiences are those that require that time and that energy to get through them.
Because when we experience something positive, we live it with ease, perhaps even excitement. I think others would agree that when we have a positive experience that it flows through us, we don't always stop to think how it's going to affect us moving forward; unlike when we experience something painful.
This past week I had my last session with the individual I had been seeing not only for my mental health, but for my spiritual health as well. For the better part of a year I had been seeing this healer speaking to them on topics ranging all over my life, and by the end of our session it was apparent to both of us that I was in possibly the best shape I have ever been in.
They recalled our first session and how emotional it was for the both of us. I remember sitting in that chair across from them just as I was then, and feeling so safe despite having not developed a relationship with them at that point. I remembered crying so openly and feeling the love and support and an unspeakable trust that this was the person that was going to help me find myself again.
I was filled with this strange combination of feeling that I was ready to essentially go on without them, and yet not wanting to be finished. I had been able to make so much progress with their support and guidance that I was almost hesitant to trust that inner knowing that told me I was ready.
It took some time to sink in that I was in fact ready to take that next step forward. I had spent so much of this last year working towards very specific goals and now that those goals have been reached, there was an opportunity for the question, 'now what?'
But there wasn't. Instead I was able to embrace the gratitude I felt in my heart for this amazing person who showed me how best to help myself, and how to truly listen when Spirit spoke to me. My last session with them was the first in over a month due to a much needed sabbatical they were called to. During that time I was given the chance to take everything that they had taught me and really run with it, and it led me to finding new avenues to pursue. It also provided me with an opportunity to really show myself how ready I am for this next step.
Normally about this time is when fear and anxiety would kick in, and I would begin to think how much of a mistake it was to agree to end the sessions. Or I would be worried and confused about what exactly 'the next step' is supposed to be.
Rather than that being the case, I feel at peace, I feel ready and excited to take that next step even though I know that it's going to be a short while before I begin the next leg of my journey. In an attempt not be to impatient, I'm allowing myself the time to process how much I've accomplished, and give myself a chance to take a deep breath and rest peacefully in my triumphs.
For the first time in what seems like so long, I feel a sense of genuine peace, not because I think I'm healed and can put the past behind me. But because I trust the tools I have been given and because I trust that I know how to use them. I know my path and I trust that I am being guided to those who will help me along the way.
It's a remarkable feeling, I hope that this feeling will only grow stronger, just as I grow stronger.
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Over this last year I have talked a lot about the struggles I have faced, my doubts and my insecurities and how helpless everything has felt at times. I have shared some of my darkest moments with strangers whom I might never meet, I have been vulnerable through an empty screen not because it's easier to do than to be with so with people, but because this blog really has turned into a giant mirror for me.
Writing has provided this incredible opportunity to take a long hard look and to face the emotions and thoughts that might not have a voice otherwise. I'll be the first to admit that for a long time I struggled with what I should be writing about because I just had trouble finding the words.
I would start off well enough and then something would happen, ranging from up setting to traumatic, and simply taking the time to process it through before coming back always felt necessary. Looking back through my postings it seems that there are far fewer instances where I have shared something on the lighter side of my life because in truth, writing has always been a tool in which to process my experiences and I think it's fair to say that our more difficult experiences are those that require that time and that energy to get through them.
Because when we experience something positive, we live it with ease, perhaps even excitement. I think others would agree that when we have a positive experience that it flows through us, we don't always stop to think how it's going to affect us moving forward; unlike when we experience something painful.
This past week I had my last session with the individual I had been seeing not only for my mental health, but for my spiritual health as well. For the better part of a year I had been seeing this healer speaking to them on topics ranging all over my life, and by the end of our session it was apparent to both of us that I was in possibly the best shape I have ever been in.
They recalled our first session and how emotional it was for the both of us. I remember sitting in that chair across from them just as I was then, and feeling so safe despite having not developed a relationship with them at that point. I remembered crying so openly and feeling the love and support and an unspeakable trust that this was the person that was going to help me find myself again.
I was filled with this strange combination of feeling that I was ready to essentially go on without them, and yet not wanting to be finished. I had been able to make so much progress with their support and guidance that I was almost hesitant to trust that inner knowing that told me I was ready.
It took some time to sink in that I was in fact ready to take that next step forward. I had spent so much of this last year working towards very specific goals and now that those goals have been reached, there was an opportunity for the question, 'now what?'
But there wasn't. Instead I was able to embrace the gratitude I felt in my heart for this amazing person who showed me how best to help myself, and how to truly listen when Spirit spoke to me. My last session with them was the first in over a month due to a much needed sabbatical they were called to. During that time I was given the chance to take everything that they had taught me and really run with it, and it led me to finding new avenues to pursue. It also provided me with an opportunity to really show myself how ready I am for this next step.
Normally about this time is when fear and anxiety would kick in, and I would begin to think how much of a mistake it was to agree to end the sessions. Or I would be worried and confused about what exactly 'the next step' is supposed to be.
Rather than that being the case, I feel at peace, I feel ready and excited to take that next step even though I know that it's going to be a short while before I begin the next leg of my journey. In an attempt not be to impatient, I'm allowing myself the time to process how much I've accomplished, and give myself a chance to take a deep breath and rest peacefully in my triumphs.
For the first time in what seems like so long, I feel a sense of genuine peace, not because I think I'm healed and can put the past behind me. But because I trust the tools I have been given and because I trust that I know how to use them. I know my path and I trust that I am being guided to those who will help me along the way.
It's a remarkable feeling, I hope that this feeling will only grow stronger, just as I grow stronger.
 |
| image from Poem Porn |
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Saturday, March 18, 2017
Full Moon in Virgo Tarot Reading
Hey there loves,
If you have been with me before then this might appear a bit different to you. In a slightly unintentional move while attempting some editing, I ended up deleting all of the pages I've had on my blog; most of which had been deactivated but were still visible, in an effort to remove them, I ended up removing the page where the Monthly Tarot Card used to be.
Rather then attempting to recreate it and to redo the page with every new card, for the time being, I have decided to simply add the Full Moon Tarot Card each month as a regular post, this way those who wish to do so will be able to go back through previous postings and see previous card readings.
With all of that being said! If you are new with me, I have been pulling a monthly tarot card for the majority of my time blogging, and recently felt called to pull during the full moon of each month rather than at the beginning of the month.
When I pull a card, I pull for the general collective, for anyone who either follows my blog on a regular basis or maybe they just check in from time to time. I always smudge myself and my cards before a reading to ensure that not only am I focused but that I am in sacred space to allow the energy and flow of the messages are clear and concise from Spirit.
The deck that I will be using for these monthly card readings is the Oceanic Tarot by Jayne Wallace.
Card: The Vortex
Keywords: Illusions, Temptation
Before I jump into this, I want to openly acknowledge that I am roughly a week behind the full moon, as I stated about, I had this all ready to go and in a twist of fate or humor depending on how you choose to look at it, I lost everything I had written about this reading.
I became frustrated with it all and decided to wait until I had a clear head to really convey the message of this card. And if I'm being completely honest, I think it really worked out in the long run because I've been able to spend this time reflecting on how this card is as much a reminder for me as it is for everyone who is going to see this.
One thing I want to point out about this card is that in the traditional tarot, this card would be the Devil card. However, I feel like the message is so similar that it's almost too on the button, but I think that's how things are when they really hit home.
The Vortex shows to Merfolk caught in an underwater tempest with no real way of knowing if they are capable of making it out or not. I feel that this reflects life a lot of times, or rather, how we view life a lot of the time.
"If it's not one shit show, it's another." Translates to, "If it's not one storm, it's another."
It's tempting to maintain the illusion of continuously being stuck inside of a storm, going from one problem to the next, having to deal with this bullshit here and that bullshit there, when is it ever going to let up?
What this card is asking us to do is to really be honest with ourselves and to break free of the illusion of blame. So often we end up blaming other people for the situations that we find ourselves in, and we do this to the point where we end up refusing to take any form of responsibility. Thus feeding the Vortex, and keeping us in a place of perpetual unhappiness.
The Vortex is asking us to cut the crap and to really be open with ourselves when it comes to the extent of making our own hell. The only person keeping us trapped in that space is ourselves, and the only one who can free us, is ourselves.
When we look at the card we can see the two Merfolk not even close to each other, and yet they wouldn't be able to help each other escape if they can't even get themselves out first.
We encounter so many situations that test our patience, our resolve, our strength; no one said that life was easy. We only have control over ourselves, and how we chose to react to the obstacles that enter our path. That's not to say to never get angry or frustrated, that's just part of the human package, the trick is to not stay in that place.
If you allow yourself to stew and dwell in the negative spaces, that's all you'll be able to see because that is all you will attract to yourself. Leaving the Vortex can be difficult, but it's not impossible. Again, it all comes down to choice.
With the Spring Equinox just a couple of days away and the New Moon following the next week, this is a prime opportunity to really ask yourself, what kind of vortex have I created for myself, and am I ready to leave?
There is no shame in taking it one day at a time, we all learned how to walk one step at a time. Making the choice every single day is a big step in and of itself.
I genuinely feel that this card and this message came up now because so many of us are already on the path to making this kind of change. I also genuinely believe that when I pull these cards for the collective (meaning anyone who sees this posting) needs this message at exactly the time that they find this reading.
It feel like the world is being shaken awake, and this is part of our wake up call, as individuals who are on the path, or perhaps folks who are trying to find the path. This is for you, this is the Universe telling you that you deserve better and all you have to do is believe that it's true and start treating yourself like you deserve better.
Until next time loves,
be sure to take good care,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
If you have been with me before then this might appear a bit different to you. In a slightly unintentional move while attempting some editing, I ended up deleting all of the pages I've had on my blog; most of which had been deactivated but were still visible, in an effort to remove them, I ended up removing the page where the Monthly Tarot Card used to be.
Rather then attempting to recreate it and to redo the page with every new card, for the time being, I have decided to simply add the Full Moon Tarot Card each month as a regular post, this way those who wish to do so will be able to go back through previous postings and see previous card readings.
With all of that being said! If you are new with me, I have been pulling a monthly tarot card for the majority of my time blogging, and recently felt called to pull during the full moon of each month rather than at the beginning of the month.
When I pull a card, I pull for the general collective, for anyone who either follows my blog on a regular basis or maybe they just check in from time to time. I always smudge myself and my cards before a reading to ensure that not only am I focused but that I am in sacred space to allow the energy and flow of the messages are clear and concise from Spirit.
The deck that I will be using for these monthly card readings is the Oceanic Tarot by Jayne Wallace.
Card: The VortexKeywords: Illusions, Temptation
Before I jump into this, I want to openly acknowledge that I am roughly a week behind the full moon, as I stated about, I had this all ready to go and in a twist of fate or humor depending on how you choose to look at it, I lost everything I had written about this reading.
I became frustrated with it all and decided to wait until I had a clear head to really convey the message of this card. And if I'm being completely honest, I think it really worked out in the long run because I've been able to spend this time reflecting on how this card is as much a reminder for me as it is for everyone who is going to see this.
One thing I want to point out about this card is that in the traditional tarot, this card would be the Devil card. However, I feel like the message is so similar that it's almost too on the button, but I think that's how things are when they really hit home.
The Vortex shows to Merfolk caught in an underwater tempest with no real way of knowing if they are capable of making it out or not. I feel that this reflects life a lot of times, or rather, how we view life a lot of the time.
"If it's not one shit show, it's another." Translates to, "If it's not one storm, it's another."
It's tempting to maintain the illusion of continuously being stuck inside of a storm, going from one problem to the next, having to deal with this bullshit here and that bullshit there, when is it ever going to let up?
What this card is asking us to do is to really be honest with ourselves and to break free of the illusion of blame. So often we end up blaming other people for the situations that we find ourselves in, and we do this to the point where we end up refusing to take any form of responsibility. Thus feeding the Vortex, and keeping us in a place of perpetual unhappiness.
The Vortex is asking us to cut the crap and to really be open with ourselves when it comes to the extent of making our own hell. The only person keeping us trapped in that space is ourselves, and the only one who can free us, is ourselves.
When we look at the card we can see the two Merfolk not even close to each other, and yet they wouldn't be able to help each other escape if they can't even get themselves out first.
We encounter so many situations that test our patience, our resolve, our strength; no one said that life was easy. We only have control over ourselves, and how we chose to react to the obstacles that enter our path. That's not to say to never get angry or frustrated, that's just part of the human package, the trick is to not stay in that place.
If you allow yourself to stew and dwell in the negative spaces, that's all you'll be able to see because that is all you will attract to yourself. Leaving the Vortex can be difficult, but it's not impossible. Again, it all comes down to choice.
With the Spring Equinox just a couple of days away and the New Moon following the next week, this is a prime opportunity to really ask yourself, what kind of vortex have I created for myself, and am I ready to leave?
There is no shame in taking it one day at a time, we all learned how to walk one step at a time. Making the choice every single day is a big step in and of itself.
I genuinely feel that this card and this message came up now because so many of us are already on the path to making this kind of change. I also genuinely believe that when I pull these cards for the collective (meaning anyone who sees this posting) needs this message at exactly the time that they find this reading.
It feel like the world is being shaken awake, and this is part of our wake up call, as individuals who are on the path, or perhaps folks who are trying to find the path. This is for you, this is the Universe telling you that you deserve better and all you have to do is believe that it's true and start treating yourself like you deserve better.
Until next time loves,
be sure to take good care,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Friday, March 17, 2017
Discovering Ostara
Hey there loves,
It's been quite some time since I have taken the time to write about a pagan focused topic, so much of my writing over the last year or so has been very self focused and with the Spring Equinox right around the corner, I wanted to set aside some time and talk about this holiday.
I touched very lightly on the topic a couple of years back when I wrote a very generalized post about the Wheel of the Year. Since I began this blog it has always been my intention to take the time to not only write about but to also celebrate every holiday in the Wheel, and let me tell you, it just hasn't happened.
Looking back through my archives it seems to be that Ostara and Beltane are the two holidays that I've yet to dedicate any real time to. I hope to change that this year, not just with taking time to honor them here but to honor them with ritual and to connect with the deity that the holidays are connected with.
You might recall that for Imbolc, this year, I celebrated in an unusual way, I moved into a new home. There were several things taking place at the same time, and I didn't feel that I could honor Brigid and really recognize Imbolc as I would have liked to. So rather then do nothing, I prayed to Brigid in the early hours of the morning, and invited her to simply be with me in spirit all throughout the day, I even remember carrying boxes to and fro whispering that Brigid was welcome every time I entered into a different room.
Now that I've had time to settle in and to really claim my new home, I want to make sure I take the time to do something extra or simply something fun to welcome the growing strength of the sun as our days become longer and our nights become shorter.
Before jumping into all of that however, let's take a look at the Spring Equinox, also know as Ostara.
There is one lovely tale about the Goddess walking the Earth, bringing Spring with her very steps. As she traveled she came across a wounded bird, to ease the bird's suffering the Goddess transformed it into a hare. As a way of giving thanks, the hare was still capable of laying eggs, and so every Spring the hare would present its eggs as a gift to the Goddess.
Hares or rabbits are symbols of fertility in many cultures around the world, and with Spring being a time of birth and renewal, and since eggs are so closely connected with the concept of birth (considering we all start out as eggs) it only makes sense that these symbols have traveled with us through the ages and why they are present in our celebrations today.
This day like a couple of other holidays such as Lughnasadh are named after a specific deity, but Ostara or Eostre seems to have very little to do with how this holiday is celebrated. This Germanic goddess of the Spring and dawn is so scarcely mentioned in any written text that some scholars don't believe that she was a goddess at all. Some even saying that Eostre is really a face of the goddess Freya as she is a goddess of life, death and sexuality, among other attributes.
Don't let that discourage you though, being that this is the Vernal Equinox, and the celebration of life returning to Earth being one of the major themes, even arguably, the major theme to this holiday, there are many more goddesses to work with and invoke during this time. And because this is one of two days throughout the whole year that the day and night are of equal length, it makes perfect sense to honor the divine masculine along side the feminine.
As the Spring is a time of new birth, it's a common practice to work with the goddess in her Maiden aspect, such as Persphone, Aphrodite, Venus, Eos, Blodeuwedd, Gaia, Rati and Flora just to name a few. As for gods that you may choose to work with on this day, there are Dionynsus, Kamadeva, Aengus MacOg, Cernunnos, Pan, Mabon, Dagda, Min, Thor, and the Green Man.
These are all gods and goddess from different pantheons and traditions that have their own connections to birth, rejuvenation, creation, sex, and life. They all bring something to the celebration of life anew, and to coming back to life, and not just the World around us, but an awakening within ourselves as well.
I know that in the past I have shied away from celebrating the Wheel of the Year because I simply had no idea how to observe the holiday. Some times it comes down to not having a space for ritual or feeling that the lack of tools will make your contribution less then what it could be.
There are many ways of observing any holiday, here are a few ideas for you:
You can celebrate by simply lighting a candle and taking a moment to observe what is in need of balance in your life as the Equinox is a day of equal day and night.
Because it is the first day of Spring, you might want to take a walk outside (weather permitting) and see how life is returning to the Earth.
You can wear bright colors; yellow, purple, green, pink. Think of your favorite flower for inspiration if you're feeling stuck.
Now that Winter is over (depending on where you live you might still experience winter weather) start thinking about what goals you want to accomplish, create a 2017 bucket list if you will. Now that the Earth is waking up from her slumber, you might be feeling the itch to begin creating yourself.
If you are stuck inside, try opening up the blinds and letting in some natural light.
If you're looking to work in a little magic, perhaps you could give your alter a nice spruce. Change the alter cloth, use different colored candles, preform a dedication ceremony to help charge the your crafts or goals for the upcoming season.
You can work with crystals such as rose quartz, amazonite, amythest or citrine.
You can try your hand at making your own incense with herbs like meadowsweet, spearmint, clover, lemongrass or lavender.
If you're looking for guidance as we begin the next cycle of the year, perhaps try meditating. Give yourself as much time as you think you might need. Be sure to get into a comfortable position, if you need help concentrating feel free to put on some music, some times that can help us to get into the right frame of mind.
Try to imagine yourself in nature; you may be in a wooded area or perhaps you're in an open field. Just let your intuition take you where you are needed. Imagine that there is still snow on the ground, there is a slight wind in the air, the trees are still bare. Maybe you see a snow hare or birds flying overhead. You're dressed for the weather but you certainly wouldn't mind warming up. As you walk you come across a cabin, there is light emanating from inside and there is a sense of welcome as you come closer.
You move your hand to knock, but before you can you can hear the door unlatch and you feel the call to let yourself in, so you do. Inside of this little cabin you can see and feel a roaring hearth, there is something wonderful cooking that compliments the smells of the herbs you see all around the cabin; some of the are hanging to dry, some might be in jars or on a work bench. There is a wonderful rug under your feet and you feel at ease in this place.
You see a large table that has been set, with a generous helping of steaming food already waiting, as if someone was expecting you. Coming around the corner you see your guide, is it a god, is it a goddess, is it both?
Whomever is there to guide you welcomes you into this space with open arms, perhaps they even embrace you and they invite you to sit at the table with them. It is the day/night before the Equinox and they are preparing for the work ahead to bring Winter to a close. They are happy that you have come to celebrate with them, and they are even more filled with joy that you have invited them to guide you. This is your time to speak about your worries, ask your questions, and simply spend time with the Divine.
As your visit comes to a close, perhaps you want to ask that they continue to visit with you, perhaps you wish to work with them through the Springtime, or even beyond that. As you prepare to leave, be sure to give thanks to them for the time spent with you and for the wisdom shared. As you depart, do they send anything with you? A word, a symbol, maybe an object, did they introduce you to an animal guide?
If you're looking for something that will connect you more with the Earth herself and you need a little rejuvenating, you can try a meditation like this one.
You can imagine yourself as a flower; sleeping soundly waiting for the snow to melt and as it does you can feel the warmth of the sun, giving you strength. Imagine what blooming would feel like, your roots seeping into the ground going deeper and deeper, perhaps you have leaves on your stalk or perhaps you're a bush with many branches. Perhaps you're a single bloom your petals growing stronger and more bold as your reach towards the sun. Opening slowly you soak in the nourishment from not just the sun and the clean air but from the soil beneath you. How do you feel as you grow taller and as you begin to bloom? Do you feel refreshed? Do you feel anxious? Are there other flowers around you? What about other plants or animals?
Doing a meditation like this can help you feel grounded, and to feel the transition from Winter to Spring.
Whenever you are finished meditating, be sure to give yourself plenty of time to come back into your body, wiggle your fingers and your toes, open your eyes slowly, take some deep breaths.
If you're curious about reading materials, I have read both Ostara by Edain McCoy and the Llewellyn's Sabbat Essentials Ostara and enjoyed them both.
I personally feel that Ostara by Edain McCoy goes into considerably more detail and provides a good amount of information from rituals to crafts, to recipes and myths. It is also a considerably larger book.
Ostara from Llewellyn's Sabbat Essentials is a decent take on the subject, is well written and is potentially better for those who don't need or want as much information.
Spring is a wonderful time of transformation, give yourself a chance to step outside of your comfort zone and try something new. Try a meet up, enroll in a class, allow yourself the chance to grow in areas where maybe you thought that you couldn't. You may just surprise yourself.
One finally note, just one week after the Vernal Equinox is the New Moon, yet another great time to set intentions for what you wish to create. This is such a powerful time of year, everything is wide open, you just have to decide what you're going to do with all of that energy.
And don't feel like there is a big rush to accomplish your to-do list. This is just the beginning, give yourself time and space to really develop what you want to bring to life, give yourself a chance to stretch your legs, your wings, your fins, whatever your creative side features. Allow yourself time to awaken just as nature takes time.
Brightest Blessings to you and yours during this Vernal Equinox,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
It's been quite some time since I have taken the time to write about a pagan focused topic, so much of my writing over the last year or so has been very self focused and with the Spring Equinox right around the corner, I wanted to set aside some time and talk about this holiday.
I touched very lightly on the topic a couple of years back when I wrote a very generalized post about the Wheel of the Year. Since I began this blog it has always been my intention to take the time to not only write about but to also celebrate every holiday in the Wheel, and let me tell you, it just hasn't happened.
Looking back through my archives it seems to be that Ostara and Beltane are the two holidays that I've yet to dedicate any real time to. I hope to change that this year, not just with taking time to honor them here but to honor them with ritual and to connect with the deity that the holidays are connected with.
You might recall that for Imbolc, this year, I celebrated in an unusual way, I moved into a new home. There were several things taking place at the same time, and I didn't feel that I could honor Brigid and really recognize Imbolc as I would have liked to. So rather then do nothing, I prayed to Brigid in the early hours of the morning, and invited her to simply be with me in spirit all throughout the day, I even remember carrying boxes to and fro whispering that Brigid was welcome every time I entered into a different room.
Now that I've had time to settle in and to really claim my new home, I want to make sure I take the time to do something extra or simply something fun to welcome the growing strength of the sun as our days become longer and our nights become shorter.
Before jumping into all of that however, let's take a look at the Spring Equinox, also know as Ostara.
 |
| Image from avaloncloaks.co.uk |
Hares or rabbits are symbols of fertility in many cultures around the world, and with Spring being a time of birth and renewal, and since eggs are so closely connected with the concept of birth (considering we all start out as eggs) it only makes sense that these symbols have traveled with us through the ages and why they are present in our celebrations today.
This day like a couple of other holidays such as Lughnasadh are named after a specific deity, but Ostara or Eostre seems to have very little to do with how this holiday is celebrated. This Germanic goddess of the Spring and dawn is so scarcely mentioned in any written text that some scholars don't believe that she was a goddess at all. Some even saying that Eostre is really a face of the goddess Freya as she is a goddess of life, death and sexuality, among other attributes.
Don't let that discourage you though, being that this is the Vernal Equinox, and the celebration of life returning to Earth being one of the major themes, even arguably, the major theme to this holiday, there are many more goddesses to work with and invoke during this time. And because this is one of two days throughout the whole year that the day and night are of equal length, it makes perfect sense to honor the divine masculine along side the feminine.
As the Spring is a time of new birth, it's a common practice to work with the goddess in her Maiden aspect, such as Persphone, Aphrodite, Venus, Eos, Blodeuwedd, Gaia, Rati and Flora just to name a few. As for gods that you may choose to work with on this day, there are Dionynsus, Kamadeva, Aengus MacOg, Cernunnos, Pan, Mabon, Dagda, Min, Thor, and the Green Man.
These are all gods and goddess from different pantheons and traditions that have their own connections to birth, rejuvenation, creation, sex, and life. They all bring something to the celebration of life anew, and to coming back to life, and not just the World around us, but an awakening within ourselves as well.
I know that in the past I have shied away from celebrating the Wheel of the Year because I simply had no idea how to observe the holiday. Some times it comes down to not having a space for ritual or feeling that the lack of tools will make your contribution less then what it could be.
There are many ways of observing any holiday, here are a few ideas for you:
You can celebrate by simply lighting a candle and taking a moment to observe what is in need of balance in your life as the Equinox is a day of equal day and night.
Because it is the first day of Spring, you might want to take a walk outside (weather permitting) and see how life is returning to the Earth.
You can wear bright colors; yellow, purple, green, pink. Think of your favorite flower for inspiration if you're feeling stuck.
Now that Winter is over (depending on where you live you might still experience winter weather) start thinking about what goals you want to accomplish, create a 2017 bucket list if you will. Now that the Earth is waking up from her slumber, you might be feeling the itch to begin creating yourself.
If you are stuck inside, try opening up the blinds and letting in some natural light.
If you're looking to work in a little magic, perhaps you could give your alter a nice spruce. Change the alter cloth, use different colored candles, preform a dedication ceremony to help charge the your crafts or goals for the upcoming season.
You can work with crystals such as rose quartz, amazonite, amythest or citrine.
You can try your hand at making your own incense with herbs like meadowsweet, spearmint, clover, lemongrass or lavender.
If you're looking for guidance as we begin the next cycle of the year, perhaps try meditating. Give yourself as much time as you think you might need. Be sure to get into a comfortable position, if you need help concentrating feel free to put on some music, some times that can help us to get into the right frame of mind.
Try to imagine yourself in nature; you may be in a wooded area or perhaps you're in an open field. Just let your intuition take you where you are needed. Imagine that there is still snow on the ground, there is a slight wind in the air, the trees are still bare. Maybe you see a snow hare or birds flying overhead. You're dressed for the weather but you certainly wouldn't mind warming up. As you walk you come across a cabin, there is light emanating from inside and there is a sense of welcome as you come closer.
You move your hand to knock, but before you can you can hear the door unlatch and you feel the call to let yourself in, so you do. Inside of this little cabin you can see and feel a roaring hearth, there is something wonderful cooking that compliments the smells of the herbs you see all around the cabin; some of the are hanging to dry, some might be in jars or on a work bench. There is a wonderful rug under your feet and you feel at ease in this place.
You see a large table that has been set, with a generous helping of steaming food already waiting, as if someone was expecting you. Coming around the corner you see your guide, is it a god, is it a goddess, is it both?
Whomever is there to guide you welcomes you into this space with open arms, perhaps they even embrace you and they invite you to sit at the table with them. It is the day/night before the Equinox and they are preparing for the work ahead to bring Winter to a close. They are happy that you have come to celebrate with them, and they are even more filled with joy that you have invited them to guide you. This is your time to speak about your worries, ask your questions, and simply spend time with the Divine.
As your visit comes to a close, perhaps you want to ask that they continue to visit with you, perhaps you wish to work with them through the Springtime, or even beyond that. As you prepare to leave, be sure to give thanks to them for the time spent with you and for the wisdom shared. As you depart, do they send anything with you? A word, a symbol, maybe an object, did they introduce you to an animal guide?
If you're looking for something that will connect you more with the Earth herself and you need a little rejuvenating, you can try a meditation like this one.
You can imagine yourself as a flower; sleeping soundly waiting for the snow to melt and as it does you can feel the warmth of the sun, giving you strength. Imagine what blooming would feel like, your roots seeping into the ground going deeper and deeper, perhaps you have leaves on your stalk or perhaps you're a bush with many branches. Perhaps you're a single bloom your petals growing stronger and more bold as your reach towards the sun. Opening slowly you soak in the nourishment from not just the sun and the clean air but from the soil beneath you. How do you feel as you grow taller and as you begin to bloom? Do you feel refreshed? Do you feel anxious? Are there other flowers around you? What about other plants or animals?
Doing a meditation like this can help you feel grounded, and to feel the transition from Winter to Spring.
Whenever you are finished meditating, be sure to give yourself plenty of time to come back into your body, wiggle your fingers and your toes, open your eyes slowly, take some deep breaths.
If you're curious about reading materials, I have read both Ostara by Edain McCoy and the Llewellyn's Sabbat Essentials Ostara and enjoyed them both.
I personally feel that Ostara by Edain McCoy goes into considerably more detail and provides a good amount of information from rituals to crafts, to recipes and myths. It is also a considerably larger book.
Ostara from Llewellyn's Sabbat Essentials is a decent take on the subject, is well written and is potentially better for those who don't need or want as much information.Spring is a wonderful time of transformation, give yourself a chance to step outside of your comfort zone and try something new. Try a meet up, enroll in a class, allow yourself the chance to grow in areas where maybe you thought that you couldn't. You may just surprise yourself.
One finally note, just one week after the Vernal Equinox is the New Moon, yet another great time to set intentions for what you wish to create. This is such a powerful time of year, everything is wide open, you just have to decide what you're going to do with all of that energy.
And don't feel like there is a big rush to accomplish your to-do list. This is just the beginning, give yourself time and space to really develop what you want to bring to life, give yourself a chance to stretch your legs, your wings, your fins, whatever your creative side features. Allow yourself time to awaken just as nature takes time.
 |
| Image from rabyabegum.wordpress.com |
Brightest Blessings to you and yours during this Vernal Equinox,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Sometimes You Just Gotta Cry
Hey there loves,
I have to say, that typically I like to wait until the end of my writing before a choose a title for my posts, but this one was just right there, that it was too good not to go with.
Do you ever have one of those days, weeks, maybe even months where you just need to cry your eyes out? That was me about a week ago. One night, everything came to a head for me, and I just could not keep myself together for another minute.
About a week ago I got the call that my father had been in a car accident. It was two days before I was able to make it into the city, and I have to tell you, I hope that I never see any one else I love in such a state. I have visited my father in the hospital more then once over the years, it's just how old age goes for some, but this utterly broke my heart.
Returning to home and to work for the next several days was a challenge, and one day, I was just not up for it. I battled with my anxiety and my worry for roughly half of my shift before I threw in the towel. On top of everything else, I had dropped my cell phone into a bin of water and was unreachable for several hours; causing my panic to go into overdrive.
Two hundred dollars later I was able to secure a temporary phone with a replacement on the way. Going home did not feel like a relief but a holding cell. I proceeded to cry for almost an hour as I attempted to confirm plans for the following day and to tell my partner what had happened that day. I managed to ease the rumbling of my stomach before determining that the best thing I could do for my tired soul and body was to take a shower.
I wasn't five minutes in before the weight of the stress that I didn't know I was carrying came roaring out in a flood. I poured my heart out to the Universe about my frustrations and my worries regarding my work space and it was only after I was done that I felt a physical shift and actual release of tension that I was carrying in my chest.
Once it felt like that burden was out of the way, I was able to cry in what can only be described as horror and despair regarding my father's condition. The very idea that the man I know and love might never be the same again shook me to my foundation, and my only thought throughout was; I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to be without him, I'm not ready to not have him here, mentally or physically.
I remember uttering the word 'please' over and over again, and even now I feel myself becoming emotional and the tears falling down my face, but you know, sometimes you just gotta cry a little.
Some where inside it occurred to me that I never allowed myself to cry in relief that the legal journey to justice came out in my favor; that it took less then a year, that I won that battle, that I emerged validated by the courts, that I came out of that court room, knowing that I would never have to face my rapist again.
...When I set out to write this post, I was very much in the throws of living those tears, and feeling slightly off balance as you sometimes do after being so emotionally exhausted.
And even though it's been maybe two weeks since then, I have different reasons to cry.
I can cry with relief that my father is progressing in his recovery, and knowing that this crash could have very easily been so much worse, but it wasn't.
I can cry with acceptance that everyone seems to be on the same page at my day job, and that even though I have no idea what it means, but that things are moving forward there, that things are being resolved, that the stress and anxiety that I have felt is being acknowledged and taken into account.
I can cry with a heart full of gratitude that even though it has been such a treacherous road getting here, that I have built such an incredible life. I could go on for days listing what I have to be grateful for, because there really is so much.
So many little things that are taken for granted every day, that should be basic human rights, and the hard truth is that not everyone has such simple things; like clean drinking water, a warm place to sleep, food to eat, clean clothes, a good paying job that takes care of all of my needs.
I always do my best to look for the silver lining in any given situation, and it's true that I don't always look for it right away. But I think as long as we come back around, and at least try to look at things from a different perspective, it can make such a huge difference.
There have been very few times when I have said that I love my life, and have genuinely and wholeheartedly meant it. And I hope that when I'm facing a challenge and it feels impossible to overcome, I can come back to this moment and remember how sincerely I feel.
Because even when it doesn't feel like it, there are always reasons to be grateful.
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
I have to say, that typically I like to wait until the end of my writing before a choose a title for my posts, but this one was just right there, that it was too good not to go with.
Do you ever have one of those days, weeks, maybe even months where you just need to cry your eyes out? That was me about a week ago. One night, everything came to a head for me, and I just could not keep myself together for another minute.
About a week ago I got the call that my father had been in a car accident. It was two days before I was able to make it into the city, and I have to tell you, I hope that I never see any one else I love in such a state. I have visited my father in the hospital more then once over the years, it's just how old age goes for some, but this utterly broke my heart.
Returning to home and to work for the next several days was a challenge, and one day, I was just not up for it. I battled with my anxiety and my worry for roughly half of my shift before I threw in the towel. On top of everything else, I had dropped my cell phone into a bin of water and was unreachable for several hours; causing my panic to go into overdrive.
Two hundred dollars later I was able to secure a temporary phone with a replacement on the way. Going home did not feel like a relief but a holding cell. I proceeded to cry for almost an hour as I attempted to confirm plans for the following day and to tell my partner what had happened that day. I managed to ease the rumbling of my stomach before determining that the best thing I could do for my tired soul and body was to take a shower.
I wasn't five minutes in before the weight of the stress that I didn't know I was carrying came roaring out in a flood. I poured my heart out to the Universe about my frustrations and my worries regarding my work space and it was only after I was done that I felt a physical shift and actual release of tension that I was carrying in my chest.
Once it felt like that burden was out of the way, I was able to cry in what can only be described as horror and despair regarding my father's condition. The very idea that the man I know and love might never be the same again shook me to my foundation, and my only thought throughout was; I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to be without him, I'm not ready to not have him here, mentally or physically.
I remember uttering the word 'please' over and over again, and even now I feel myself becoming emotional and the tears falling down my face, but you know, sometimes you just gotta cry a little.
Some where inside it occurred to me that I never allowed myself to cry in relief that the legal journey to justice came out in my favor; that it took less then a year, that I won that battle, that I emerged validated by the courts, that I came out of that court room, knowing that I would never have to face my rapist again.
...When I set out to write this post, I was very much in the throws of living those tears, and feeling slightly off balance as you sometimes do after being so emotionally exhausted.
And even though it's been maybe two weeks since then, I have different reasons to cry.
I can cry with relief that my father is progressing in his recovery, and knowing that this crash could have very easily been so much worse, but it wasn't.
I can cry with acceptance that everyone seems to be on the same page at my day job, and that even though I have no idea what it means, but that things are moving forward there, that things are being resolved, that the stress and anxiety that I have felt is being acknowledged and taken into account.
I can cry with a heart full of gratitude that even though it has been such a treacherous road getting here, that I have built such an incredible life. I could go on for days listing what I have to be grateful for, because there really is so much.
So many little things that are taken for granted every day, that should be basic human rights, and the hard truth is that not everyone has such simple things; like clean drinking water, a warm place to sleep, food to eat, clean clothes, a good paying job that takes care of all of my needs.
I always do my best to look for the silver lining in any given situation, and it's true that I don't always look for it right away. But I think as long as we come back around, and at least try to look at things from a different perspective, it can make such a huge difference.
There have been very few times when I have said that I love my life, and have genuinely and wholeheartedly meant it. And I hope that when I'm facing a challenge and it feels impossible to overcome, I can come back to this moment and remember how sincerely I feel.
Because even when it doesn't feel like it, there are always reasons to be grateful.
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
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