Hey there lovies,
Wow...it's been a while since I've said that.
I have to say that when I restarted this project of mine, I never anticipated that I would take an unexpected absence for a second time. Granted, this second time around was a few months versus over a year, but all the same.
I know it might sound strange but it broke my heart when I realized the full extent of the situation that I was in and how much it not only affect me and how it was affecting those around me.
I once wrote about how I deal with depression, anxiety, low self esteem, and a myriad of other things including but not limited to trust issues, sever compartmentalization, and denial. Shortly after I opened my eyes to everything, I knew I had one choice and that was to seek professional help. In doing so I learned that all of those delightful items listed above can fall into one simple phrase:
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I knew that I wanted to come back to this project and when I did I would need to address my absence, and in some ways it scared me. Dealing with, living with, and constantly facing this challenge day in and day out is not a simple task. I didn't share my struggles with my family for months after I was diagnosed and few friends knew.
I felt ashamed, like somehow I should have been stronger than I have been, that I should have been able to handle everything better than I had-but I wasn't stronger, I wasn't handling things better.
I've said once before that I tend to forget how human I am. Which I stand by, but one thing I rarely take into account is that I have, admittedly, incredibly high standards for myself; perhaps even unreachable at times.
PTSD is something that has caused some of the most difficult times of my life. It's also pushed me to return to a town I never thought I would come back to. To be surrounded people that were previously out of my physical reach and therefore felt a million miles away.
Because of this condition I have been forced to completely reevaluate my life, my path, my relationships, and myself as a whole. So many hard lessons have come my way since I began this journey back in December of last year when I picked up this project for the second time. This blog has been on my mind consistently over the last few weeks, but up until now I just didn't feel ready to come back.
I remembered the passion and conviction I wrote with, and how good it made me feel. It made me feel like I was doing something productive, helpful, and meaningful. This blog meant so much to me, and I knew that when I came back to it, I wanted to be in a place where I could really continue making it as beautiful as I had envisioned it.
There are so many things that have happened since February, and I am sure that at some point I will write about them all. But for now, I just wanted to remember the feeling of writing again, of quietly knowing that even if it was just one or two people, that I reached someone.
The ultimate dream for this blog is to eventually reach thousands; give knowledge, perspective, hope, courage and perhaps a laugh or two in there.
I will say at this point I do not have a schedule planned for posts, for now they will probably be sporadic as the move I mentioned is fairly recent and I am in the midst of getting settled and my feet on the ground. I want to continue with my monthly tarot cards and weekly oracle cards, and because today is the first of the month, I will be updating that page shortly in addition to the weekly oracle card.
I've missed spending time Through the Secret Door, and I've missed all of you. I am happy to be back and I cannot wait to spend time with you again.
In light and love,
Thealynn
No comments:
Post a Comment