I have to say, that typically I like to wait until the end of my writing before a choose a title for my posts, but this one was just right there, that it was too good not to go with.
Do you ever have one of those days, weeks, maybe even months where you just need to cry your eyes out? That was me about a week ago. One night, everything came to a head for me, and I just could not keep myself together for another minute.
About a week ago I got the call that my father had been in a car accident. It was two days before I was able to make it into the city, and I have to tell you, I hope that I never see any one else I love in such a state. I have visited my father in the hospital more then once over the years, it's just how old age goes for some, but this utterly broke my heart.
Returning to home and to work for the next several days was a challenge, and one day, I was just not up for it. I battled with my anxiety and my worry for roughly half of my shift before I threw in the towel. On top of everything else, I had dropped my cell phone into a bin of water and was unreachable for several hours; causing my panic to go into overdrive.
Two hundred dollars later I was able to secure a temporary phone with a replacement on the way. Going home did not feel like a relief but a holding cell. I proceeded to cry for almost an hour as I attempted to confirm plans for the following day and to tell my partner what had happened that day. I managed to ease the rumbling of my stomach before determining that the best thing I could do for my tired soul and body was to take a shower.
I wasn't five minutes in before the weight of the stress that I didn't know I was carrying came roaring out in a flood. I poured my heart out to the Universe about my frustrations and my worries regarding my work space and it was only after I was done that I felt a physical shift and actual release of tension that I was carrying in my chest.
Once it felt like that burden was out of the way, I was able to cry in what can only be described as horror and despair regarding my father's condition. The very idea that the man I know and love might never be the same again shook me to my foundation, and my only thought throughout was; I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to be without him, I'm not ready to not have him here, mentally or physically.
I remember uttering the word 'please' over and over again, and even now I feel myself becoming emotional and the tears falling down my face, but you know, sometimes you just gotta cry a little.
Some where inside it occurred to me that I never allowed myself to cry in relief that the legal journey to justice came out in my favor; that it took less then a year, that I won that battle, that I emerged validated by the courts, that I came out of that court room, knowing that I would never have to face my rapist again.
...When I set out to write this post, I was very much in the throws of living those tears, and feeling slightly off balance as you sometimes do after being so emotionally exhausted.
And even though it's been maybe two weeks since then, I have different reasons to cry.
I can cry with relief that my father is progressing in his recovery, and knowing that this crash could have very easily been so much worse, but it wasn't.
I can cry with acceptance that everyone seems to be on the same page at my day job, and that even though I have no idea what it means, but that things are moving forward there, that things are being resolved, that the stress and anxiety that I have felt is being acknowledged and taken into account.
I can cry with a heart full of gratitude that even though it has been such a treacherous road getting here, that I have built such an incredible life. I could go on for days listing what I have to be grateful for, because there really is so much.
So many little things that are taken for granted every day, that should be basic human rights, and the hard truth is that not everyone has such simple things; like clean drinking water, a warm place to sleep, food to eat, clean clothes, a good paying job that takes care of all of my needs.
I always do my best to look for the silver lining in any given situation, and it's true that I don't always look for it right away. But I think as long as we come back around, and at least try to look at things from a different perspective, it can make such a huge difference.
There have been very few times when I have said that I love my life, and have genuinely and wholeheartedly meant it. And I hope that when I'm facing a challenge and it feels impossible to overcome, I can come back to this moment and remember how sincerely I feel.
Because even when it doesn't feel like it, there are always reasons to be grateful.
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
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