Hey there everyone,
I'll be honest. I've been thinking about this for the last twenty-four hours; trying to process, trying to let it sink in, waiting to see if somehow an expected metaphorical shoe would drop.
To be even more honest, I'm not sure that there is a shoe. Unless, I was the shoe.
My anxiety, my doubt, my fear that one more thing would keep me stagnate, that would keep me locked into the past that I was so fiercely trying to separate myself from.
Let's back up for a minute. *deep breath in*
In May of 2016, I was drugged and raped by an ex-boyfriend. I spent the next year working with the legal system, and multiple professionals to help me get my life back on track.
One year ago, my attacker accepted a plea deal that I helped to define, and in a flash it was like my journey took a sharp turn, and I had no idea what direction I was supposed to go in. My entire focus and purpose up until that point was getting justice, getting closure - winning. Winning by doing the utmost within my ability to live the best life I possibly could every single day; I didn't care what 'my best' looked like from day to day, as long as I knew that I had tried.
I spent a few months continuing to hold my breath because I just couldn't believe that it was over. So, what was next? What did living my best life even look like? I had spent so long striving to reach a destination and all of a sudden I was there.
I started getting what I thought were signs from the Universe of what I was supposed to do, what I was supposed to learn about, the general direction that I was supposed to go in. Only problem was, I wasn't ready to go anywhere yet.
For the first time in a year, I could breath...I could sleep soundly, I was in essence, free. I was also exhausted. I was tapped, I was spent, I was completely drained, and it took me longer than I would like to admit to realize that what I needed more than anything, was to rest.
What I didn't understand at the time was that those signs that I was being given, they were things that I was capable of accomplishing; these snidbit flashes, these keyhole visions were like little gifts of what I could look forward to. But I had spent so long putting every last bit of energy I had into this one piece of my journey, necessary as it was, that I didn't remember how not to live that way.
By the time half the year had gone by I felt like I had been trying to run a marathon without hydrating. I was deflated, discouraged, and disillusioned about what my purpose was, and what's more, how in the hell I was going to get there.
By December, I was outright depressed. My life was on autopilot, and I didn’t know how to turn it off. I could hear a voice calling out, wanting so desperately to be head, but it was so far away…
It wasn’t until the 24th, when I spent the day with my partner, warming ourselves with our first fire in our fireplace, wrapping all of the gifts, and watching all manner of holiday movies that I felt that shell begin to crack. The magic of Yuletide and the love and support of my partner sparked a sense of wonder in me. In a single week, the year would be over, I would be another year older, and I felt an unmistakable freedom in that small window of time.
One afternoon as I was resting, I felt myself being gentle pulled into a form of meditation. It was more akin to a shamanic journey that anything else, something I hadn’t done in years as I typically reserve such things for only the specialist of occasions.
Without going into the depth of the experience, I will say that more than one truth came through to meet me. Among those truths, a voice asked me, “Are you ready?”
This question echoed in my mind for weeks afterwards, and of course I hesitated in answering because the more I heard the echo, the more weight the words carried.
“Are you ready?”
Ready for what? How could I answer honestly if I didn’t have the answer to the question itself?
On January 23rd, I submitted an application to volunteer with a local non-profit that focuses on helping victims of sexual assault. This past Friday, February 22nd, I was offered a spot in the next training class for volunteers.
For almost a year, I have been trying to decipher how I am supposed to show up in the world. I’ve known for some time that I am not here to bide my time, and enjoy the ride. I am here to help create sustainable, positive change. I am here to upset the status quo, get our world back on track, and help remind people that they are powerful as shit. To remind people that they can do whatever they put their heart and soul into, to be and do and go, whoever, whatever, wherever they want. That they deserve happiness and success and love and joy and peace - because fuck, don’t we all?
In 2017, I learned that trust and surrender are not synonymous, but that they can support each other. In 2017, I learned that self-care is more than that just surface level, and that even the people whom we wish we could expel from our lives sometimes have valuable lessons to teach us.
Being willing to be comfortable in the quiet, being willing to listen to what we need to hear instead of what we want to hear will make the journey so much less harsh, and that stress should never be a default setting.
In 2018, I am learning to expect miracles. I am learning where my boundaries are, and to trust myself when I feel like they are not being respected, by myself included. In 2018, I am learning to trust my gut and surrender the reins rather than trying to rush the process.
Because magic happens in the quiet. Magic happens when we give our dreams space to grow and air to breathe. Magic happens when we believe, and simply let it be.
So, tribe. :)
If you feel like your struggling, or that something isn’t happening fast enough, or that something isn’t happening at all. Take a breath, close your eyes, and reach out to the Universe, a higher power, your higher self.
Open up a dialogue about why you may be nervous or frustrated or afraid or angry, and just let it all out. Once all of that stuff is out of the way, it allows your heart and soul desires room to breath and stretch. Give yourself the compassion and understanding that you would give someone else, and allow what you believe in your soul to be true, to hold you and reassure you that the wheels are turning, that things are happening, even if we can’t see them yet.
Tribe, once again, I am humbled to be among you, and I hope (as long as this was) that there was a nugget or two that resonated with you. I hope that this comforts, inspires, reminds us that we are badass, even on days when we don’t feel that way.
I also want to extend the invitation to our Facebook group, Shakti's Circle which serves as a virtual temple space and community for spiritually inclined individuals, regardless of your path or where you might be on it.
Brightest blessings to all of you. <3
Until next time,
~Thealynn
©2013-2018 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
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