Today I wanted to take a look at deity and how I found myself observing and honoring what I believe to be a Higher Power.
This has always be one of the trickiest topics for me to explain my views on, mostly due to the fact that my beliefs have been so fluid. That being said, I think I have found a way to explain my thoughts and beliefs regarding such.
I do want to acknowledge that when I first began exploring different ideologies around that of a Higher Power, I struggled. As some of you may already know, I was raised in a Christian household. Although my mother would swing from utterly devout to utterly silent on the matter, it's safe to say that I grew up in church. My grandparents were the basis for that, and they expected that we of the younger generation be raised in the same manner.
Regardless, when I began exploring pagan beliefs, I started with Wicca because it seemed the safest starting point. Leaving the Christian god behind wasn't so difficult for me as I never felt much of a connection, but accepting a different god wasn't necessarily easy.
Acknowledging and accepting a goddess was a challenge, mostly due to residual fear revolving around that whole Hell situation. In time, I moved beyond that fear as I slowly came be to believe that Hell was not a real place, and we can always talk more about that a little later.
That wasn't the only struggle I faced as I attempted to navigate this new way of belief. Even though I grew up in my mother's household, we never managed a healthy relationship, which I explore and discuss in several other articles.
Much like the trouble I had in connecting with the Christian god, as I spent most of my years without a father figure (also a topic I have discussed previously.) I didn't personally have a strong parental foundation in which to draw inspiration or really any kind of connection to.
There was an even bigger factor that took some time to face, perhaps it's something that you can relate to - Obligation versus Desire.
Obligation; the idea that I had to follow Christianity, the obligation of the debt that was supposed to have been erased when Jesus sacrificed himself, the obligation that if I didn't live my life in such a way would result in my ultimate damnation...even though I was supposed to have been forgiven regardless...
It was a bit easier for me to identify these things because they came with the resentment I felt towards my upbringing and my parents as they were responsible for said upbringing, or lack thereof.
The desire was a bit trickier to unpack. Up until this point in my life, I hadn't regarded goddesses of any kind as more than mythological characters which back then for me equated to fictional characters.
Viewing the goddess as a loving mother who understood life because she herself had lived it, and didn't want or expect anything from me? But who was there for me regardless? Without expectation?
The desire to believe in what ultimately came down to unconditional love, and the freedom to be who and what ever I might be was really all I had ever wanted in a mother. Slowly be surely I began to embrace her, in tidbits that didn't scare away my tender heart and fragile grasp on what I thought I might have fractionally understood.
The Goddess was something entirely new and yet familiar, something in me began to stir, and I adopted what one would consider the Wiccan way of viewing deity.
The Goddess; Mother of all, kind and sweet but strong and sure. I viewed the God as Her consort, and while I heard folks when they expressed the balance between the two, I felt comfortable focusing on the Goddess alone.
Fast-forward a bit and I felt more secure recognizing them as parental figures and held them at the same level of importance. I still called on the Goddess more frequently, but after a time, I found myself calling on the God for different reasons.
As I became more comfortable working with the energy of the masculine and the feminine, I started broadening my view and looking at different pantheons. For a time I considered myself a polytheist as I couldn't quiet wrap my mind around the different gods and goddesses being so distinctive and yet somehow also be the same.
I could see how they all came from the same Universal Energy, if you will, but not be the same energy through and through, they were just too different.
I never settled on a patron or matron deity as I simply felt that I would be limiting myself in some way, besides the fact that I had just started on this path, back then I couldn't help but wonder how it would work calling on say Hecate when I was pledged to Brigid. It was just too big of a leap for me back then.
Flash forward to today.
In my previous piece titled Being Pagan, I mentioned that for a time I have considered myself a Spiritualist. My focus had turned away from recognizing or even working with most forms of deity, save for a couple, and in working with these goddess, I focused on their energy rather than on them as a whole.
And I feel that in doing so, I have found the best way to explain how I now find myself viewing deity.
Let's start from what I consider to be the top:
There's the Universal Energy, Great Spirit, Creator - whichever name you choose to give it. The energy that begins and ends all in the same breath, Source Energy if you will.
I would break that down into Masculine and Feminine characteristics because we as human are able to relate to and understand those two aspects. So this is where I would recognize the God and Goddess. Equal in all things, they compliment each other and stem from the same Source but manifest in different ways.
Next we find the different pantheons from all over the globe. Every civilization has their own 'versions' if you will, when it comes to gods and goddess. Where I found myself struggling, and this is in large part due to my monotheistic upbringing, was choosing one. Somewhere along my journey I had in my mind the idea that even though I did not have a matron or patron deity, that I would need to choose one pantheon, one region of the world where I grounded myself into their gods and goddesses. As this was not something I was able to do, I thought the answer to my struggles lay else where.
Beyond that we have Archetypes. As my path grew and changed, different times in my life felt as though different energies were being called into play, as too were the deities I worked with. As I learned about different gods and goddesses, much like anyone would, I began to see similarities between the pantheons. Which led me to wonder once again about the imaginary lines between True Source and what True Source creates, which led me to look into archetypes.
Now, Dictionary.com defines an archetype as:
the original pattern or model from which all things of the same kind are copied or on which they are based; a model or first form;prototype.
While I see the importance of archetypes, and how powerful and how helpful they can be, I started getting dizzy going down the rabbit hole of attempting to figure out 'the first of its kind' when it came to specific forms of deity that manifested in my life.
I realize that not everyone struggles with such, and that working with archetypes is really the most effective method for them to connect, but I learned quickly that when it came to my own personal experience, it just wasn't the best route for me.
I admittedly have only worked with a handful of deities. And when I worked with said deities, they appeared to me as whole individual energy. I wasn't connecting solely with the Universal energy, there was something special and specific about the particular energy I was drawn to.
So, with all of that being said, what do I believe?
Simply put, all of it.
I believe that Source Energy has been creating ways for us to connect more profoundly, more deeply, perhaps even more easily through specific deity. I believe that every god and goddess has value and meaning, and do for very good reason.
For a long time I thought I had to choose one specific way of believing, but the truth was in front of me all along. The fluidity that I possess to connect with Spirit in whichever form It comes in, is my strength, not a mark in the column for other's to use against me when I choose not to definitively say in one way or another.
Because for me, it all connects in the end anyway.
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| Image from evolvedinthelight.webs.com |
Until next time my dears,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
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