With Valentine's Day tomorrow, I have been trying to figure out what I want to say about love.
Being someone who has experienced the best and the worst, you'd think that I would have a clear and firm belief or opinion, but the truth is that I don't.
Perhaps it's the mood I've been in lately, maybe it's all of the work I've been doing, it could be that I am just tired.
If there is one ultimate truth about love is that it's hard work. I would question anyone who says that they have not heard the term, 'nothing worth having is easy.' Love is no different.
To clarify I don't just mean romantic love; I mean every kind and every level of love. Family, friends, romantic partners, and every nook and cranny in between.
It might be a strange thing to say, but I know that in the past I have loved very easily, admittedly sometimes against my better judgement. Because of that I can see how mistakes have been made, chances were given that were not deserved, but because of what I consider to be a naive attitude I allowed myself to be taken advantage of.
I can tell almost instantly if I'm going to have a connection with someone, the level of that connection can take some time to be determined, but I know when it's there. How long that connection lasts often proves the greatest mystery but as I am open to others for the most part, I usually end up leaving that decision to those I interact with.
I am not a terribly aggressive person in that I will often go after what I want in a quiet way versus proclaiming it to the world.
In my short adult life I have had two serious relationships, and slightly painful, unsuccessful dates. For the past year and a half, I have very intentionally kept myself closed off to the potential of another relationship for several reasons.
Aside from needing to release and move on from those relationships, I also realized that I had never really been single in my adult life which seemed a little crazy to me. A little bit at a time I also began realizing how much healing that needed to be done, and I wasn't sure how to go about it. I had days where I ignored it, I had days where I fed it, there were days where I fought it, and there were days where I was ready to give up.
Slowly I began taking better care of myself and not worrying about how it was going and just went with it. I spent time with girl friends and threw myself into my work, I tried putting myself out there here and there but nothing serious ever came out of it.
After a fairly dismal pairing I decided that I was just done for a while. I wasn't interested in dating, or a relationship, but at the same time I missed sharing a deeper connection with someone.
Last summer I ended up making an unexpected connection with someone I never would have thought, and while there was no romance, for a time I had that connection that I had been craving. In doing so I explored a newer side of myself and began thinking about what I would want out of my next relationship.
It also dawned on me how much I wasn't ready for anything more than what I was already doing. The experience lasted a few months and ended without much warning, but given the nature of the situation, I wasn't phased by it and I continued on.
Even so, it only left me wondering that much about what I wanted, and when I might want it.
When I allowed myself a moment here or there to think about it honestly, it was easier to come up with what I didn't want, versus what I did or might want. Without trying to use previous relationships, romantic or not as a measuring stick I tried to determine what about these certain people that caused us to become as close as we were.
Regardless of the timing, each and every person that I have ever felt comfortable sharing a love with, developed a very deep and personal friendship with me. They earned my trust and my love by putting their trust in me and sharing their love.
Friendship was our strongest attribute, and with the exception of one, that level of the relationship remains.
I don't regret the love I have experienced, I think that those experiences may be the most valuable I have ever had, and I think that it would be foolish of me to dismiss them all together.
Someone recently asked me if I was ready for another relationship, and my instant reaction was to laugh, which I did. I have done the work and will continue to work on healing and being open, because I think such things take constant care.
I am open to meeting someone though. Free of expectations or hidden desires, I am simply open to the possibility of new friendships and developing the friendships that I currently hold.
I am open to the possibility of love, I'm open to love finding me. I am not the biggest fan of searching for love because I feel like when the time is right, it will make itself known.
When I imagine love, I imagine a bond so strong and genuine where you completely adore the other person. I imagine a love where no topics are off limits, and that there is so much respect and sincere caring that the things that might scare someone away are demons that are fought together. I imagine a love with roots in mutual respect and understanding.
I can only see these things being in place through a friendship building and growing into something much more, but without the intention of doing so.
Love is delicate and strong in same the instant, it's a curious event that with time I am sure I will experience again.
For the time being though, I consider myself content where I am and despite my struggles I wouldn't give up being who I am for anything.
I'm chuckling now because I remember a reading I received not long ago. The cards before me spoke of a pending relationship that has yet to show itself and how one of the most important factors is for me to communicate my needs.
Being that said relationship has yet to manifest, I am going to start practicing.
I am only as alone as I choose to be. This time around I won't be giving my heart away so easily, nor do I expect anyone to be handing over their feelings without a second thought.
I trust that all will be right, and in divine time, gods know I wouldn't be able to handle it any sooner.
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
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