Hey there lovies,
I can't say for certain what brought on this post and in all honesty, I'm not concerned as to the why. I've often wondered if great writers spent time thinking about where their idea and stories came from. Was it something that someone said, was it something they had a dream about, was the subject matter hiding a truth that they felt they couldn't share otherwise? Or, was it simply the need to write?
Were they possessed with a feeling, with a passion that demanded to be set through the strokes of their pens, or in my case, the keys of my Harriet?
I some times think to myself, are there really any subjects that are off limits here? I mean, yes this is my blog, but it's not just for me. The people that read this are here for a potentially different purpose, would they really be interested in reading this and that?
Those moments are few and far between, and are very brief. Because when it's something so close to my heart, I can't help but feel that I would be doing myself an injustice by not speaking about it. That I could potentially lose something precious if I denied the flow of words and energy that fill my arms and finger tips, that slow my breathing and cause me to break out into song when the rest of my space is quiet.
Over the last several weeks, I have focused on healing my heart space, releasing old wounds, cleaning slates, and silently saying goodbye to the past. What I find truly magical about this process is that I didn't realize how much I was being transformed while I was writing that series, when it came to Monday's post I simply was at a loss for words for quite a while.
Towards the end of the series I could feel those newly empty spaces, and I had moments where I felt the impulsive need to fill them. Something about it simply didn't feel right and I felt different, not bad by any means but different.
In this time I released old loves, I released bitterness and anger, I reconnected with my father after twenty years free of expectations, I connected with my matron goddess, but what I consider most important; I was able to see how desperately I've been trying to control everything and how much that wasn't working. I could finally see how doing so stopped the blessings of the Universe to flow freely to me.
So I let go.
You may remember in an earlier posting I mentioned something my teacher said, "Let Go, Let Come" which is something I loved the sound of because it reminded me of the ocean. Waves coming and going, the tide coming in and back out again, the ebb and flow. (I recently learned that my moon sign is Pisces which explains SO MUCH.)
And as much as that phrase resonated with me, I wasn't doing it. I was still hanging on, and when I thought about what I was holding on to, I didn't have an answer; one word kept coming to mind: control.
So many things were going on that I felt like I had let happen, some things I did let happen, and a whole lot of things that I had no way of letting happen because they were out of my control. I have felt as though I am scrambling trying to regain control and driving myself crazy because I haven't thought that doing everything within my power is enough.
Seeing all of this in front of me it dawned on me that if I continued the way that I was, I would only make things worse. I was creating hell for myself when I didn't need to, and in doing so I created a vicious circle that I am unfortunately all too familiar with.
Deciding to let go was not as simple as it may sound. I've found that all people fall into one of four categories: those who think that some form of deity, i.e. God, have complete control over everything, those who think that we here on Earth are divine beings having a human experience and that we have control, those who believe that everything is random and a roll of the dice, and those who fall somewhere in between.
I fall in the last group, and in a separate post I will explain more but for now, that's where I'll leave it. Suffice it to say that while I think we have divine within each of us, when we decided to have this experience, we gave up the ability to have complete control, and there are a lot of things in life that can't be planed for because that's just how life is.
Acknowledging what I was doing and how much it was affecting me, it was still difficult to say the words, verbally acknowledging that I was going to let go of the reins, and allow the Universe to work it's magic.
That's not to say that I am going to quit living. I am still going to continue doing everything that I can, but rather than stress about it and try to force the results, I am releasing them and thank they Universe for what I have and for taking care of my needs.
I'm focusing to continue my healing and developing my path and expanding my knowledge.
Surrender is not an easy thing, and neither is trust. And I like to think that Spirit is understanding of that, and sees when I choose to do so even when it takes a couple of tries.
Now all of those spaces that I felt so strange about are starting to feel good, they are starting to feel like possibilities.
Not knowing what's ahead is one of the scariest feelings for me, but instead of worrying, I'm trying to be excited.
After all, anything is possible.
Many blessings in light and love,
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
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