Deep In The Dark

Deep In The Dark

I was raised to be afraid of the dark

To fear the shadows and any and all who lurked there

I was taught to avoid the deep

To shy away from any and all who might lead me there

Only trouble and danger waited in the dark

The shadows were there to smother your senses

Going deep could only end in a drowning

Nothing worth having or being existed in those places

Nature was pretty in sight and scent

But nature was below us, because it was made for us

We were above nature, we were masters

Nevermind that we wouldn’t survive without it

In Nature, the dark is natural

The dark is needed to balance the light

Life and Death dance together out of necessity and love

Thus Nature is dark, and dark is Death

As I grew so did my love for nature

The simplicity dancing with the complexity

Dancing in rhythm just as Life and Death do

As I grew so did my curiosity of the dark

I found myself feeling safe in the shadows

I found myself longing for the deep

The peace, the quiet, the comfort

Such things are plentiful in the dark

The dark holds truths that require strength

The dark holds a silent song

The dark requires nothing

The dark only asks for authenticity

It’s easy to hide here in the dark

But it is courage that is needed to find yourself there

I now long for the long nights

For the voices and the whispers that caress my skin like a breeze

Some may find fear in the dark

But the pitch black is where I find love

Ancient wisdom and magic make up this place

I make up this place

Deep inside I am the Dark

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

A Love Note in a Bottle

Hey there loves,

I don't know how many have seen my previous post, in which I shared my experiences over the last year. The first year since I was sexually assaulted and how I've tried to move forward only to find myself stuck in the past for the last several weeks.

I had a coaching session with a wonderful mentor earlier this week and they helped to pull me back into the present rather being lost in my past. Rather than chastising myself for getting lost on the way forward, I embraced myself with compassion and understanding that I'd been denying myself.

Somewhere along the way I had forgotten what I needed most from myself, which was love. Tonight as I was writing down some thoughts, I recalled a love letter that I had written to myself some months ago. As I read the message, it was as if I was reading from my future self rather than my past, and perhaps in a way, that's true.

I was so moved by the contents, I wanted to share that letter here. I was to preface this by saying that I have simply copied and pasted the contents from its source, and thus I will not be making any edits. I also wanted to say that I truly believe that this is not just a love letter to myself, but to everyone. While it does contain female pronouns because that is how I personally identify, I want everyone to feel free to save this letter, share it, change the pronouns if you feel called to do so.

From the bottom of my heart I send you all compassion and love,

Thealynn

Hello you,

Before I really jump into starting this project and starting this journey, I wanted to say a couple of things to you, to me? To you, me, us. 

Before I say anything else, I want to say that I love you. 

I know I don't say that to you nearly as much as I should, and I am going to commit to changing that, because you are miraculous. You have faced so many challenges, you have overcome so many trials and no matter how close you may have come, you have never given up. 

I know how close you've come, because I have been there with you. I am the voice who had pleaded with you to stay, who has begged you to keep trying, who has held you close in those times when you didn't feel like you were strong enough. I am that voice who encourages you to keep going, even if it's just one more day. 

You may not think this about yourself, but I want you to understand how resilient you truly are. I never want you to think that you are somehow weak or fragile - don't let yourself be confused when it comes to being vulnerable. We have our moments, everyone does, and it takes a courageous person to allow yourself to embrace that vulnerability, it is there that true healing happens. 

You deserve to heal. You deserve to leave the hurt behind. I know you're stubborn enough to never truly forget what has gotten you to the places and people who have caused so much chaos, and I know how much you want to be a safe space for others, but never forget that you deserve that safe space within yourself and for yourself. 

You are wise in that you forgive all of those who have wronged you, because in the end, you will be so far above them that not forgiving them will ultimately bring you down and keep you from progressing. You are also wise in that you allow yourself the space and the time you need to arrive at  forgiveness.

Never question yourself when it comes to the time frame in which things happen and evolve because no time is wasted. While others may struggle with the same obstacles time and again, you do not. You see where a better choice could have been made and you merge with it so completely that you watch for it in times to come. 

You are cautious, you are learning discernment, and how to put yourself and your needs first. You are selfless, you are kind, you are generous. Be sure that you are all of these things not just to those around you, but to yourself as well. 

I want you to know how proud I am of you. Your life and your person could have gone so many directions and yet you have stayed true to yourself to the best of your abilities, even in times when it would have been understandable if you had strayed. 

Despite the horrors that have been committed against you, to find the trust and the perseverance in Spirit that there is more than meets the eye, seems almost impossible at times, but you always manage to do so in your own time. 

You are continuously grateful to Spirit for Its bountiful gifts, and slowly if not surely, you are learning to accept them not just for others, but for yourself.

This may not have been an easy life to choose, but you chose it because you knew then and know now that you are capable of conquering your mission here, one wave at a time. 

You are not a victim, nor are you merely a survivor, you are a warrior. You are a hero for all of those who do not know how to reach that inner strength, you help others find the light within themselves, you help to quite the outside noises to that their true voice might be heard. 

You are healer, teacher, guide, priestess. You are a shinning star that glows with the warmth and love of the Great Goddess, Mother to All. You possess both light and darkness, you are both life and death. 

Be open to washing away the pain my dear, you don't need to hold onto it any longer.

Amen, Aho, and So It Is. 

Many Blessings, 

Namaste.

~Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf 8/28/2016

One Year Later

5/10
Yesterday marked one year since it happened; since I was raped. In some ways it's hard to believe that so much time has passed, but when I look back and really allow myself to think about it, it has easily been the longest year of my life.

A year ago I didn't think that I would make it to this point. I didn't think I would make it past an hour, or two. I didn't think that I would be able to make my way through an entire day. This time last year I was in denial, I thought I had imagined it all. I thought I had simply experienced a horrible nightmare that I just needed to wake up from.

I remember feeling separate from my body, like a switch in my brain had initiated cruise control and when my exit came I would somehow snap out of it and then everything would be fine again...but it never did. For days it went on, all I could do was cry until I was too weak to do even that. I remember only being able to rest for maybe 15 or 20 minutes at a time before waking up terrified for a few minutes before realizing where I was.

It didn't seem to matter whether I was in my own room, or if I was with my partner. I remember thinking that the pain was all I would ever feel again, that the guilt I never understood before was the only thing that seemed to make sense, and even though I struggled to form together even the simplest of words, inside my mind all I could do was scream.

I had felt my heart break in more ways then one, by more than one person. I had experienced devastation and wondered how I long it would be until I felt better again. But not this time. I had been transported to the darkest place I had ever been in, a place that I didn't have know existed until I found myself there. And there was no getting out, at least, as far as I could see.

It was slow going; every day was a challenge with ever hour filled with sense of hopelessness, of utter loneliness, of rage and anger and confusion, constant nausea and dizzy spells that would seemingly come out of nowhere.

5/17

When I set out to write this, I didn't have trouble finding the words; in fact they flowed so easily that I found myself wondering if it had actually been as long as the calendar says. I doubted that the justice which had been served was legitimate or whether I had imagined it all.

In my own way I became lost trying to navigate how the rest of my life is supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do next. So much of that year was simply trying to figure out how to get my life back, so much of last year was desperately clinging onto the hope and the indispensable belief that justice would be served, if for no other reason than because I couldn't picture what it would look like otherwise.

It's been a few months now simply just trying to get back to it all, and in some ways I feel lost without that desperation and that light at the end of the tunnel that I couldn't seem to erase from my mind's eye. It took weeks for it to really sink in that my legal fight was over, and not only that, but that I had won. I was victorious, and I could breath a little easier knowing that my attacker was behind bars.

In this past year, I have wondered several times what I would feel once I got to this point, one year past.

5/23

When I set out to write this I didn't expect it to take two weeks, potentially being the longest amount of time that I have spent working on a single posting.

When I made the decision to fight back, to fight for justice and ultimately decided that I wanted my life back; I didn't realize that the journey back to myself would be just as if not more difficult as the journey to justice.

No one speaks about how being a survivor is in itself a way of life. No one tells you that once the fight is over that a new one begins. No one mentions that every day can be its own battle to maintain what has already been so hard fought for.

I had hoped that once I had won my case that I wouldn't think about my attack or my attacker as often as I do. I didn't think I would see him in the features of strangers, I didn't think that I would have to regularly remind myself that he is in jail. I didn't think I would doubt my safety as often as I catch myself doing. I didn't think that I would be able to understand why victims some times choose to end their lives than to continue as intimately as I do even after so much time has passed.

But that's when I stop and I ask myself to look deeply at how much my life has improved in the last year; not because of what happened to be but in spite of it all.

I have a wonderful job where I am surrounded by amazingly supportive and compassionate people, I have a beautiful home where I feel safe and secure where I can practice my belief and my skills freely, I have a growing relationship with my siblings that I lacked this time last year, and I have a deeply loving relationship with a partner that I fall in love with every time I see them.

I may have been unaware that this next step was just that, it is simply the next chapter of my story, the next leg of my ultimate journey. I don't want to put some sort of illusion out there that this journey of healing will or will not ever have an ending, but I hope that it does.

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf