Hey there loves,
I don't know about any of you, but I have been noticing a sense of...emptiness when it comes to my spiritual practice. I've spoken before about the ups and downs of my focus or lack thereof in my daily practice and how it seems to come and go as if riding in and out with the tides. I will go through periods where every day, seemingly every moment I can possibly spare is spent on journaling, reading, thinking, meditating, practicing.
And gradually I will go for what feels like months of a dry spell (pardon the pun). My crystals go untouched, my sage goes un-burnt and it's like I've stepped into a magic free world.
I have spent years trying to determine why such a thing happens or the better question, why it happens so frequently. I've thought before that whenever significant change happens, that's usually a warning sign that things are about to go quiet for a time as I process and adjust.
And in some ways I suppose that's fair. Same goes for when depression makes an unwanted visit, I will spend months processing and working through it, some times not even noticing it because it becomes like a second nature.
But in all sincerity. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of going in and out with what I suppose you could call dedication. I am tired of going from feeling so connected, to struggling to reconnect. I'm tired of feeling lost in my own practice.
So I started asking myself some annoying to uncomfortable questions. For some time I have missed the feeling of having a physical mentor or guide to poke and prod at me with questions that I feel bashful answering because I know I can be doing better.
For the first time since I began my path and journey as a pagan I have felt the longing for fellowship in the form of a Circle or Coven. I've often craved structure for my practice and thought countless times how much different my practice might be if only I had others to help keep me moving and accountable.
Which of course then begged the question, why do I need someone else to keep me accountable? Why am I not sufficient in doing so?
The honest answer to that is: I have been lazy.
That's not to say that change doesn't require adjusting, and that life cannot be busy, that's just how life is. But what I am attempting to acknowledge about myself is that I have a tendency to turn my brain off as a means of relaxing via modern technology.
And that's not to say that using modern technology cannot be helpful. But drinking a glass of wine and putting on the latest Netflix whatever might not be the most helpful when it comes to being a productive practitioner.
Now, I have done a lot of emotional, mental and spiritual work this past year in particular. And I think I have begun to associate my practice with an extra load of personal work that I am not always keen on doing.
This is where it becomes a little tricky for me. I feel and have felt for a long time that this life for me, is about the work that I am here to do. Helping other people of their journey, breaking chains and cycles of my ancestors, showing others that they can do the same. But to do any of that, I have to be able to do so myself. And some days, I just don't think I have it in me.
I think part of the problem there is I have been hitting the ground running. I've stopped focusing on my foundation and have been struggling to reach some sort of 'next level' because my human ego tells me that because I can picture it, I should be there already.
Which I am sure that you can relate to, it becomes frustrating and discouraging, and personally, it makes me just want to throw my hands up and say, forget it!
Meanwhile my heart and soul are still craving that path, that journey, that learning. The achieving is all well and good, and of course they know this will come in time. The heart and the soul don't worry about they when, they care about the how.
Just a few short weeks ago I celebrated Samhain and welcomed in the energy of 2018. While I am no numerology expert, I try to follow the energy of the numbers and symbols as I believe they can serve as markers or guide posts. This year, 2017 when added up together equates to a 10 or a 1; a year of mastery and apprenticeship.
I was given and shown what I consider to be a significant amount of information about how my practice is going to eventually unfold. I was given different programs to offer, different workshops to teach, a lecture, I could go on. It was a so much information that I attempted to dive in feet first without any real idea of how to get things started.
That was six, seven months ago. Yet here I am, six weeks left of 2017 and I am finding the need to go back to basics. To really understand and define in a coherent manner what I believe, how I practice, what is it that I really want.
What is it that I really want?
This question had me stumped. For the most part, my life feels set, it feels solid, stable.
Things I have never experienced my adult life being, something that somehow always felt out of reach. Now that I'm standing here, I can sense the worry that one foot wrong could cause it all to come tumbling down. The difference between now and even one year ago is that I am solid, I am stable.
So, now that I know that I am such, and I trust that I am such, what do I do?
Well, after giving the question some genuine consideration and asking Spirit to guide me to the best course of action, the answer seems simple.
Go back to basics.
By giving myself a clean slate and a chance to start again, I feel like it takes the pressure out of picking up my practice. Which was originally going to be the title of this article. But as I've reread and edited this piece, I've realized that I am not picking up an old practice at all.
The emptiness I have been feeling has been more of a cleansing and continual releasing of the old to make space for a new practice.
By going back to basics, and approaching my path with a new sense of wonder and questions, I myself am approaching it as a new student, as a new initiate.
It feels strangely appropriate to have come to this place of realization and renewal on the night of the new moon. The second to last new moon of 2017.
Earlier I mentioned the numerological significance of this being a 10/01 year. Again, I am a novice at best when it comes to Numerology, but the best that I can ascertain is that 2018 is going to be an 11 year versus resorting to a 2 year.
I have heard numerous times that 11 is a master number, and while I am not entirely sure what that means, from the research I've done it really sounds like 2018 is an energy that supports stepping into who you really are. 2018 sounds like it carries the energies for remarkable transformations and transmutation. 2018 sounds like it echos those opportunities that we've all been waiting for.
My dearest hope is to refocus my intention for this space and redirect it to a more informational tone. I am going to be rebuilding my practice from the ground up, and honestly, I couldn't be more excited or relieved.
I feel wonderful knowing that in this cycle of rest and remembrance, that I am given the gift of renewal. I so look forward to sharing with you what I come up with and how I will be honoring my path. These last five and a half years have really been about doing what I needed to do when I needed to do it to get by until the next disaster hit.
2018 is going to be the beginning of a whole new chapter for me. It's also going to be my Saturn Return year, so that will definitely be interesting. Stay tuned for that!
If you're curious about what else I am up to, I encourage you to come out check out our virtual temple via Facebook and join Shakti's Circle. I am hoping to launch some really fun events and readings in the group over the next year or so, or if you are just interested in community, we are excited to have you!
With that my dears, I am going to bid you all a fond farewell until next time, be sure to take good care.
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Showing posts with label Cycles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cycles. Show all posts
Saturday, November 18, 2017
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
Samhain Check In
Oh my dears,
What a year it has been. Before I jump into anything else, I wanted offer a warm hug through the ether and to offer my deepest thanks. I appreciate you being here more than I can express, and I don't just mean here, reading my blog. I mean here, living on this Earth, in this time, or whenever your time is.
Thank you to all of my readers whether you have been with me for a long time, or if you have only read a couple of my pieces, perhaps this is the first time you're visiting me and you deserve thanks as well. I also wanted to remind you how precious and needed you are in this world.
We all need to be reminded some times, and personally, I don't think we hear those things enough. We are heading deeper into the dark half of the year, and like our ancestors knew so well, coming together and being available and supportive to one another is priceless.
Around Samhain time, you might find yourself wanting to reflect on this past year. Samhain is the final harvest of the season, so you may feel called to take a look back to see how far you have come, to take stock of what came to life for you this year, and what did not.
For me, I feel called to look back further than just the last year, but to where this journey came alive for me...
I remember sitting down at my desk in my tiny little apartment a mere two months before I had the catalyst struck which was ultimately what became the first step on my healing journey.
I had participated in my first full moon ritual with Sage Goddess and I can recall the overwhelming feeling of connection and hope. This space became my main focus and I threw my whole self into it.
I had ideas for topics and a list of books I wanted to read and review for you, I had lists of different ways you could connect with your guides and Spirit, I truly believed that this space would be chalk full of information and tips and ideas for ritual.
And that did happen for a little while. I wrote out and shared the magic I was working, although I didn't recognize it as such at the time. What's more, is that I didn't realize how powerful that magic was. I was simply unprepared for the consequences of what I was asking the Universe for, and it knocked me on my ass.
Since then, it's been a wild ride. In my previous post I shared how my life and my journey with Spirit are simply too closely woven together to really keep them separated. At first I worried that not staying objective with my original intent for this blog in mind would alienate my readers or people would get tired of hearing about my life.
But what I've come to realize that, while that might be true for some, this is in truth what I had intended all along. It's all wonderful and good to share ideas and facts about certain things, but by sharing how I myself am living and experiencing all of those things, can in fact create a more relate-able conversation.
In a way, this is a chance for me to own my experiences and to take ownership of the things that I struggle with, to show what I have found to be helpful and useful. The whole reason behind my starting this blog was to be a guiding hand for those who struggle with the same things I do, to be that voice that tells them,
You can do this, you're not alone.
As Samhain approaches, I want to connect more deeply with my ancestors than I have in previous years. This year, I want to honor them and show my respect as I know they are with me always. I also want to ask them to assist me in healing our collective past, to lay down the struggles and strife that so many have endured. I want to be able to heal our past and therefore allow that healing to flow into our present and on into the future.
Samhain is a day to celebrate, to be still in the quiet, to honor, and to take up vigils and lay down the past. It is a day to remember and it is a day to release. Cutting the chords that carry the pain, suffering, and regret is so important. Everything comes and goes in cycles, and it is when we refuse to allow the ending to be such as it is do our lives attract more of the same obstacles; the same pain and suffering and regret are fed rather than being allowed to go.
That's not to say we will notice a difference all at once, or that the shift will happen all in one day. When I wrote the Open Heart Series, I had no idea that two years later I would still be seeing echos and ripples of those intentions. I had no idea that magic worked like that. I had no idea that magic worked.
To the best of my recollection, I've never been in a place where I was ready to move forward when this turn of the wheel came round. I was always in a place of pain, or I was in a space of searching, or I was simply trying to be at peace with where I was. All very important things, and I think always where I needed to be at that time.
As we make ready for winter, I intend to rest, and to study, and to heal. Letting the past stay in the past is not always easy, and if I'm being completely honest it's never something I have been good at. And that is why this time of the year, this year, is such an amazingly beautiful opportunity. Because now, I am ready, I feel prepared, and possibly the most important, I want to.
I have every intention to share my Samhain experience, but I also don't want to promise as to when that will be. Life has a way of sweeping me up and away, and as I am practicing my patience I hope that you will bear with me a time.
In the interim I hope to be able to share other works and the like as we continue on.
Until next time,
Warm and Bright Samhain Blessings to you and yours,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
What a year it has been. Before I jump into anything else, I wanted offer a warm hug through the ether and to offer my deepest thanks. I appreciate you being here more than I can express, and I don't just mean here, reading my blog. I mean here, living on this Earth, in this time, or whenever your time is.
Thank you to all of my readers whether you have been with me for a long time, or if you have only read a couple of my pieces, perhaps this is the first time you're visiting me and you deserve thanks as well. I also wanted to remind you how precious and needed you are in this world.
We all need to be reminded some times, and personally, I don't think we hear those things enough. We are heading deeper into the dark half of the year, and like our ancestors knew so well, coming together and being available and supportive to one another is priceless.
Around Samhain time, you might find yourself wanting to reflect on this past year. Samhain is the final harvest of the season, so you may feel called to take a look back to see how far you have come, to take stock of what came to life for you this year, and what did not.
For me, I feel called to look back further than just the last year, but to where this journey came alive for me...
I remember sitting down at my desk in my tiny little apartment a mere two months before I had the catalyst struck which was ultimately what became the first step on my healing journey.
I had participated in my first full moon ritual with Sage Goddess and I can recall the overwhelming feeling of connection and hope. This space became my main focus and I threw my whole self into it.
I had ideas for topics and a list of books I wanted to read and review for you, I had lists of different ways you could connect with your guides and Spirit, I truly believed that this space would be chalk full of information and tips and ideas for ritual.
And that did happen for a little while. I wrote out and shared the magic I was working, although I didn't recognize it as such at the time. What's more, is that I didn't realize how powerful that magic was. I was simply unprepared for the consequences of what I was asking the Universe for, and it knocked me on my ass.
Since then, it's been a wild ride. In my previous post I shared how my life and my journey with Spirit are simply too closely woven together to really keep them separated. At first I worried that not staying objective with my original intent for this blog in mind would alienate my readers or people would get tired of hearing about my life.
But what I've come to realize that, while that might be true for some, this is in truth what I had intended all along. It's all wonderful and good to share ideas and facts about certain things, but by sharing how I myself am living and experiencing all of those things, can in fact create a more relate-able conversation.
In a way, this is a chance for me to own my experiences and to take ownership of the things that I struggle with, to show what I have found to be helpful and useful. The whole reason behind my starting this blog was to be a guiding hand for those who struggle with the same things I do, to be that voice that tells them,
You can do this, you're not alone.
As Samhain approaches, I want to connect more deeply with my ancestors than I have in previous years. This year, I want to honor them and show my respect as I know they are with me always. I also want to ask them to assist me in healing our collective past, to lay down the struggles and strife that so many have endured. I want to be able to heal our past and therefore allow that healing to flow into our present and on into the future.
Samhain is a day to celebrate, to be still in the quiet, to honor, and to take up vigils and lay down the past. It is a day to remember and it is a day to release. Cutting the chords that carry the pain, suffering, and regret is so important. Everything comes and goes in cycles, and it is when we refuse to allow the ending to be such as it is do our lives attract more of the same obstacles; the same pain and suffering and regret are fed rather than being allowed to go.
That's not to say we will notice a difference all at once, or that the shift will happen all in one day. When I wrote the Open Heart Series, I had no idea that two years later I would still be seeing echos and ripples of those intentions. I had no idea that magic worked like that. I had no idea that magic worked.
To the best of my recollection, I've never been in a place where I was ready to move forward when this turn of the wheel came round. I was always in a place of pain, or I was in a space of searching, or I was simply trying to be at peace with where I was. All very important things, and I think always where I needed to be at that time.
As we make ready for winter, I intend to rest, and to study, and to heal. Letting the past stay in the past is not always easy, and if I'm being completely honest it's never something I have been good at. And that is why this time of the year, this year, is such an amazingly beautiful opportunity. Because now, I am ready, I feel prepared, and possibly the most important, I want to.
I have every intention to share my Samhain experience, but I also don't want to promise as to when that will be. Life has a way of sweeping me up and away, and as I am practicing my patience I hope that you will bear with me a time.
In the interim I hope to be able to share other works and the like as we continue on.
Until next time,
Warm and Bright Samhain Blessings to you and yours,
 |
| Image from renegadetribune.com |
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Farewell Mother
Hey there loves,
It probably should have occurred to me long before this, but this space has become more than just a way to document my Spiritual journey, but has really become about my life as a whole. I suppose some are able to separate one from the other and focus on what they originally attempted to do, but for me, the two are so deeply intertwined that if I only focused on one or the other, pieces would simply be missing.
I wanted more than anything for this to simply be a resource for others who might face the same uncertainties, the same struggles, perhaps answer some of the questions that I myself asked, perhaps more than once.
One of the things that I have struggled with my entire life, has been setting boundaries and sticking to them. Speaking up and using my voice to the person that I am having difficulty with in the moment has always been difficult. I would find my emotions rising quickly to the surface of my throat, and rather than explaining, I would explode in a rush of tears, screams, and eventually, running.
It's always been easier for me not to say anything, or to express myself to others who were not involved, or if I had to confront the person, to do so in writing. In a way, it feels like a cop-out, like a lack of strength; and I've always justified the writing as a way to make sure I say exactly what I want to say. No over-embellishments, no expressions of anger that I couldn't take back because I could proof read until it was perfect.
In a couple of cases, this has been my only means of communicating my displeasure, my hurt and my anxiety surrounding an incident. But for the majority of my relationships, it simply won't do anymore. I need to learn how to trust myself to say what needs to be said. To use trust that I can control my voice, kept my emotions in check, and to not rely on body language to communicate my frustration.
It's taken me a long time to recognize that doing such things is a form of anxiety; something I have known that I live with, but something I thought only came out when 'bigger' things happen. I put it on the back burner, not taking it seriously. In doing so, I have only begun to recognize when it comes to life in my day to day, and now comes the task of learning how to come back to my center and not let it run wild.
None of these things were taught to me as a child, such things were encouraged and fed because it bred pity, which could lead to leniency or favors, privilege if you like. Crazy as it might sound, it's how I was raised, and even though it didn't really stick, the lack of ability to deal with such challenges has clearly left its mark.
That's not to say that my mother did not do her best working within her own mental health issues. Because to her credit, I think that she did. The difference I have found however, is that while I have since grown up and do not shy away from responsibility for learning how to work with these afflictions, she never did.
More than anyone else in my life, she is such a special case. As much as I once wanted nothing more than a honest relationship with her, I am now aware that such a relationship is simply not possible with her current state. One that I believe she has become so engrossed, perhaps even lost in, that I can no longer pretend that any form of relationship is healthy.
In the past, I have felt everything from severe hatred, resentment, frustration, anger, pain to an unbearable degree, loss, pity, disgust, and now, I simply feel separation.
My mother as a person is still alive, and well to the best of my knowledge. I sincerely mean it when I say that I want nothing but the best for her, and that I truly hope that she finds peace and happiness. But the idea, the image of a healthy, supportive, understanding relationship has been put to rest. The dream I carried for so long has been released, and in its place is the desire expressed above.
Truth be told, I simply do not need her. I realize that sounds harsh, but just like my other unhealthy relationships, I simply did not need them either. I may have convinced myself to hang on for a time, with the secret hope that something, anything would change and things would be different, but the truth is that nothing has changed with the exception of myself.
I've changed. I've changed more in the last year and a half than I have my entire life.
That's not to say that I won't miss her, but I see her as one that has passed on. An ancestor that I express gratitude to for all of the lessons that they have shown me, for granting me the privilege of being the one to break this cycle, of being a single piece in the creation of a new cycle, on in which there is a lack of resentment and hate, in its place the glow of forgiveness and peace.
In case I ever find myself doubting, I love my mother very much, and there is a small child within who still wishes that things could have been so different. Yet, I find myself grateful for the opportunity to be presented with this work, the chance to show love and affection to this little girl who knew judgement far too soon.
Samhain is approaching us, and at this crossroads I will honor my ancestors, as well as the Self that I have been. I will lay down the torches I have carried for far too long, and dance round the fire in celebration that the cycle is in fact ended.
It's not always easy to say goodbye, but clinging to what is already gone only keeps you trapped in the past, and I have already spent to long there.
So I say farewell instead, with hope that when we meet again, things will be different, lighter perhaps.
Until next time,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
It probably should have occurred to me long before this, but this space has become more than just a way to document my Spiritual journey, but has really become about my life as a whole. I suppose some are able to separate one from the other and focus on what they originally attempted to do, but for me, the two are so deeply intertwined that if I only focused on one or the other, pieces would simply be missing.
I wanted more than anything for this to simply be a resource for others who might face the same uncertainties, the same struggles, perhaps answer some of the questions that I myself asked, perhaps more than once.
One of the things that I have struggled with my entire life, has been setting boundaries and sticking to them. Speaking up and using my voice to the person that I am having difficulty with in the moment has always been difficult. I would find my emotions rising quickly to the surface of my throat, and rather than explaining, I would explode in a rush of tears, screams, and eventually, running.
It's always been easier for me not to say anything, or to express myself to others who were not involved, or if I had to confront the person, to do so in writing. In a way, it feels like a cop-out, like a lack of strength; and I've always justified the writing as a way to make sure I say exactly what I want to say. No over-embellishments, no expressions of anger that I couldn't take back because I could proof read until it was perfect.
In a couple of cases, this has been my only means of communicating my displeasure, my hurt and my anxiety surrounding an incident. But for the majority of my relationships, it simply won't do anymore. I need to learn how to trust myself to say what needs to be said. To use trust that I can control my voice, kept my emotions in check, and to not rely on body language to communicate my frustration.
It's taken me a long time to recognize that doing such things is a form of anxiety; something I have known that I live with, but something I thought only came out when 'bigger' things happen. I put it on the back burner, not taking it seriously. In doing so, I have only begun to recognize when it comes to life in my day to day, and now comes the task of learning how to come back to my center and not let it run wild.
None of these things were taught to me as a child, such things were encouraged and fed because it bred pity, which could lead to leniency or favors, privilege if you like. Crazy as it might sound, it's how I was raised, and even though it didn't really stick, the lack of ability to deal with such challenges has clearly left its mark.
That's not to say that my mother did not do her best working within her own mental health issues. Because to her credit, I think that she did. The difference I have found however, is that while I have since grown up and do not shy away from responsibility for learning how to work with these afflictions, she never did.
More than anyone else in my life, she is such a special case. As much as I once wanted nothing more than a honest relationship with her, I am now aware that such a relationship is simply not possible with her current state. One that I believe she has become so engrossed, perhaps even lost in, that I can no longer pretend that any form of relationship is healthy.
In the past, I have felt everything from severe hatred, resentment, frustration, anger, pain to an unbearable degree, loss, pity, disgust, and now, I simply feel separation.
My mother as a person is still alive, and well to the best of my knowledge. I sincerely mean it when I say that I want nothing but the best for her, and that I truly hope that she finds peace and happiness. But the idea, the image of a healthy, supportive, understanding relationship has been put to rest. The dream I carried for so long has been released, and in its place is the desire expressed above.
Truth be told, I simply do not need her. I realize that sounds harsh, but just like my other unhealthy relationships, I simply did not need them either. I may have convinced myself to hang on for a time, with the secret hope that something, anything would change and things would be different, but the truth is that nothing has changed with the exception of myself.
I've changed. I've changed more in the last year and a half than I have my entire life.
That's not to say that I won't miss her, but I see her as one that has passed on. An ancestor that I express gratitude to for all of the lessons that they have shown me, for granting me the privilege of being the one to break this cycle, of being a single piece in the creation of a new cycle, on in which there is a lack of resentment and hate, in its place the glow of forgiveness and peace.
In case I ever find myself doubting, I love my mother very much, and there is a small child within who still wishes that things could have been so different. Yet, I find myself grateful for the opportunity to be presented with this work, the chance to show love and affection to this little girl who knew judgement far too soon.
Samhain is approaching us, and at this crossroads I will honor my ancestors, as well as the Self that I have been. I will lay down the torches I have carried for far too long, and dance round the fire in celebration that the cycle is in fact ended.
It's not always easy to say goodbye, but clinging to what is already gone only keeps you trapped in the past, and I have already spent to long there.
So I say farewell instead, with hope that when we meet again, things will be different, lighter perhaps.
 |
| Image from thecolorjournal.com |
Until next time,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
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