Samhain Check In

Oh my dears,

What a year it has been. Before I jump into anything else, I wanted offer a warm hug through the ether and to offer my deepest thanks. I appreciate you being here more than I can express, and I don't just mean here, reading my blog. I mean here, living on this Earth, in this time, or whenever your time is.

Thank you to all of my readers whether you have been with me for a long time, or if you have only read a couple of my pieces, perhaps this is the first time you're visiting me and you deserve thanks as well. I also wanted to remind you how precious and needed you are in this world.

We all need to be reminded some times, and personally, I don't think we hear those things enough. We are heading deeper into the dark half of the year, and like our ancestors knew so well, coming together and being available and supportive to one another is priceless.

Around Samhain time, you might find yourself wanting to reflect on this past year. Samhain is the final harvest of the season, so you may feel called to take a look back to see how far you have come, to take stock of what came to life for you this year, and what did not.

For me, I feel called to look back further than just the last year, but to where this journey came alive for me...

I remember sitting down at my desk in my tiny little apartment a mere two months before I had the catalyst struck which was ultimately what became the first step on my healing journey.

I had participated in my first full moon ritual with Sage Goddess and I can recall the overwhelming feeling of connection and hope. This space became my main focus and I threw my whole self into it.

I had ideas for topics and a list of books I wanted to read and review for you, I had lists of different ways you could connect with your guides and Spirit, I truly believed that this space would be chalk full of information and tips and ideas for ritual.

And that did happen for a little while. I wrote out and shared the magic I was working, although I didn't recognize it as such at the time. What's more, is that I didn't realize how powerful that magic was. I was simply unprepared for the consequences of what I was asking the Universe for, and it knocked me on my ass.

Since then, it's been a wild ride. In my previous post I shared how my life and my journey with Spirit are simply too closely woven together to really keep them separated. At first I worried that not staying objective with my original intent for this blog in mind would alienate my readers or people would get tired of hearing about my life.

But what I've come to realize that, while that might be true for some, this is in truth what I had intended all along. It's all wonderful and good to share ideas and facts about certain things, but by sharing how I myself am living and experiencing all of those things, can in fact create a more relate-able conversation.

In a way, this is a chance for me to own my experiences and to take ownership of the things that I struggle with, to show what I have found to be helpful and useful. The whole reason behind my starting this blog was to be a guiding hand for those who struggle with the same things I do, to be that voice that tells them,

You can do this, you're not alone. 

As Samhain approaches, I want to connect more deeply with my ancestors than I have in previous years. This year, I want to honor them and show my respect as I know they are with me always. I also want to ask them to assist me in healing our collective past, to lay down the struggles and strife that so many have endured. I want to be able to heal our past and therefore allow that healing to flow into our present and on into the future.

Samhain is a day to celebrate, to be still in the quiet, to honor, and to take up vigils and lay down the past. It is a day to remember and it is a day to release. Cutting the chords that carry the pain, suffering, and regret is so important. Everything comes and goes in cycles, and it is when we refuse to allow the ending to be such as it is do our lives attract more of the same obstacles; the same pain and suffering and regret are fed rather than being allowed to go.

That's not to say we will notice a difference all at once, or that the shift will happen all in one day. When I wrote the Open Heart Series, I had no idea that two years later I would still be seeing echos and ripples of those intentions. I had no idea that magic worked like that. I had no idea that magic worked.

To the best of my recollection, I've never been in a place where I was ready to move forward when this turn of the wheel came round. I was always in a place of pain, or I was in a space of searching, or I was simply trying to be at peace with where I was. All very important things, and I think always where I needed to be at that time.

As we make ready for winter, I intend to rest, and to study, and to heal. Letting the past stay in the past is not always easy, and if I'm being completely honest it's never something I have been good at. And that is why this time of the year, this year, is such an amazingly beautiful opportunity. Because now, I am ready, I feel prepared, and possibly the most important, I want to.

I have every intention to share my Samhain experience, but I also don't want to promise as to when that will be. Life has a way of sweeping me up and away, and as I am practicing my patience I hope that you will bear with me a time.

In the interim I hope to be able to share other works and the like as we continue on.

Until next time,

Warm and Bright Samhain Blessings to you and yours,

Image from renegadetribune.com

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Full Moon Reflections: Capricorn

Hey there loves,

I normally don't do this kind of update post, probably because I'm unaccustomed to seeing such significant change in such a short amount of time.

When I wrote about the Full Moon in Capricorn, I felt like I needed to vent as much as I wanted to share what I was learning. I had mentioned before my frustration with a few of my coworkers and how all I wanted was for the situation to be resolved, in the way I thought was best of course.

Without realizing it, I had become more angry and frustrated at how I felt that I was being treated, and I stopped seeing the bigger picture. I got tunnel vision if you will, so naturally when those blinders came off, not only did I feel foolish and a bit embarrassed, I also wanted to make things right.

I had a conversation with one coworker about how it felt when we worked together, and I heard her out. Turns out that she felt much the same way that I did; passing off responsibility, not doing our far share of the work, and at the end of the day not being excited to work with the other person.

I took the opportunity to apologize and did my best to make sure that they knew that I would do my best to communicate more openly if I was having an off day or feeling behind, that I would try to make sure they knew I was there to help them if they needed it.

We agreed that if the cycle that has been infecting our work place was to stop, it had to start somewhere, so it was going to start with us.

A different coworker, whom I perceived to be the one responsible for all of the turmoil, started showing up more, started doing more, and appeared to be putting in more of an effort. My boss had asked me to give this person a second chance, and at first I was admittedly reluctant.

I'd given out second chances before and it had never ended well for me, and that was just my personal relationships. This was supposed to be a professional environment, why the hell were they given a second chance? I firmly believed, despite being told otherwise, that any one would be given this second chance if they were in this person's shoes. It felt like they were being special treatment for unknown reasons, and truth be told, I resented everyone who was involved.

In retrospect I can see where I did not do a good job of hiding my opinion even though I never voiced it. I was not sincere or genuine with this person, and I did not listen to the undertones or body language which always said more than the words that were spoken.

After writing about what Spirit revealed to me, it really hit home that I needed to not just see and recognize these people and the parts of them that I recognized, but that I needed to honor them and where they are at in their journey.

I needed to do this not just for myself, but by doing so, it could completely change the atmosphere and the energy in my workplace when I worked with them. As all of this was sinking in I told my guides, I told Spirit that I was not confident in my ability to do so overnight. I was unsure of how successful I would be right away, but that I would try and that I wouldn't keep myself closed off from them as I had been doing.

It's not two weeks later, and I am surprised at myself but I'm also proud. One year, two years ago, I don't know if I would have been able to turn around so completely. I'm going to work feeling lighter, feeling more confident in my position, I don't dread working with these people any more, and I genuinely spend time asking the Universe to hold them and send them love and support because in my heart I know that somehow it can and will manifest for them. Even if it manifests through me.

I no longer feel like I am being denied opportunities because I have been given the amazing chance to do other things. Like spending one day a week in a different department which isn't remotely related to the one I am in now. I am able to dedicate time to writing here, I've been able to finish a really exciting project that now is just waiting for the green light from Spirit to go onto the next step, I reached a place where I was comfortable creating an online temple space on Facebook where I can connect and share openly and others can do the same if they feel called to do so.

Don't get me wrong, the Full Moon in Capricorn was a tough one. I felt it BIG TIME. But now as we are transitioning into the New Moon in Leo, and we are heading into the harvest season, I am starting to look back on what I have been able to bring to life so far this year, and I feel amazing.

The work is not done, and there is still time to create, I feel the fiery energy of Leo beckoning me to breath life into more projects, to ignore the fear that tells me that somehow I am not good enough to do what I want to do. The lion in my roars with confidence because it knows, and I know better.

I will say though that with the completion of the project mentioned above, there is a sense of finality in a way. I knew that I wouldn't launch the project straight away, so now I'm sitting in a space with two different energies; the first being that I want to take a breath and soak up the fact that I have never even attempted something like this and now it's done, the second energy is that of the new moon in Leo wanting to get out there and create more stuff!

So, I am going to try an honor both energies, I will take time to be in stillness and gratitude and really honor the work that I have put into the project, and at the same time put my energy into other projects.

One such project is the Facebook group I mentioned before. If you are interested in joining, I fully encourage you to do so. We're still a fairly small community but you are welcome to it! I'll leave the link here with you, Shakti's Circle.

All right loves, time to go spend some time in that stillness.

Don't forget to live freely and love fiercely,

~Thealynn


©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Starting From the Bottom

Evening loves,

Oh man, today was not an easy day. I haven't talked about my 'day job' here much, mostly because I never felt the need, but something about the combination of the day brought about so much frustration and feelings of resentment and the decision to no longer remain silent.

Not that I feel any particular need to rant and rave about my job, because in truth, I love my job. I love the people I work with, I love the environment, there's very little that I usually complain about. However, there has been a steady decrease in my passion for my place of employment over the last couple of months, and it's very easily contributed to a very specific source.

Up until now I had believed that in time it would work itself out, and all that I needed to do was to stay focused, continue to be me, just do my thing and help out where I am needed because that's just the type of person that I am; and it's not that I don't see people taking notice, it's not that I don't see people very near desperation in their attempts to 'fix' things, I see all of it. But none of it seemed to really matter, not today.

I've been asking myself all day, why today was the day that I finally hit my 'breaking point'. Why was it today that made so much of a difference for me, and why I decided that it was time to speak up, and speak out.

I kept coming back to the same answer, which strangely enough, had nothing to do with my actual job. If today had had one thing missing, I am willing to bet that I would have been able to go on for some time before coming to the point where I am now. Today I dealt with an unexpected visitor; PTSD.

I've talked before about my struggles with not only accepting that I was experiencing PTSD, but some of the tools I've used to help me cope. I'll leave that link here in case anyone is curious or perhaps is in need of some suggestions. Tools and Resources; Healing from Sexual Assault.

It's been some time since I have what I call an 'episode' regarding PTSD, and admittedly, I thought that I was over it. I thought that I had moved past that particular part in my healing process where unexpected triggers were no longer an issue. I was wrong.

Today was a busy day, we were short staffed, I was working to do two people's jobs and the person I was working with has been so stressed out for so long that they are seeking medical attention because they are in consistent physical discomfort.

I knew what the day before me held and I felt confident that I could do everything that was needed of me, I had a game plan in mind and I was going about my day the way I had hoped and expected that I would. Until I saw someone who threw it all out the window. One of my rapists now ex-roommates.

They had been in only a hand full of times altogether and we had even exchanged pleasantries the last time I had seen them. But seeing them today reminded me very much of the first time they came into my building, in which I experienced a full on panic attack as I was alone and frankly had no idea that I would see them or had any inkling of how to handle a panic attack.

The panic and anxiety that I had experienced came not so much from the person, but from the lack of knowing if said person would then go and tell my attacker where I worked, when they had seen me, basically all those things that you simply don't want your rapist to know.

The panic and anxiety that I felt today was more then just unexpected or unwelcomed, it felt unfounded in its presence. All at once I began to think back to when I was prepping for trial and I asked about the two witnesses that would be called forward. Even though they had no clue what had been taking place, they were still considered 'present' during the attack, had been interviewed by police and therefore would provide testimony, one way or the other. I remember my lawyer paraphrasing what they had told the police,

"That's so unlike him."
"I can't believe she would say that about him."

Those two phrases rang in my mind over and over again, and I couldn't help but wonder, why didn't they believe me?

It didn't matter that I barely knew them, and that of course they were friends with him. As shallow and sexiest as it might be, the justification that sprung up was, "I'm a girl, of course they should believe me."

None of it felt right, none of it felt like me. The sickening feeling that perhaps this person harbored ill feelings towards me because I sent their 'friend' to jail. That for whatever reason, I was somehow unbelievable. The possibility that in their minds was the potential belief that somehow I had 'made up' what had happened to and now XYZ was happening in their life, because of me.

I told myself over and over again that their world is so much bigger than me, that any number of things could be happening with them, and that's why they didn't feel like talking. That they refused to even look in my direction if they thought that I might catch them.

None of it seemed to matter, the feelings of disgrace, hurt, and even shame refused to leave for hours on end. I tried to remind myself that I had sent my rapist to jail, and that it was over, there was nothing that could be said to undo what has been done. Which lead to a train of thought even worse.

What if this person thought I was lying because I took 'the easy way out' and agreed to a plea deal rather then insisting that the case go to trial. Was the sentence he received 'too light'? Did those few years behind bars really fit the crime that was committed? How could I have been so selfish to agree to a plea deal? If I had been strong enough to withstand trail, I could have shown everyone how much damage had really been done, I could have had my side of the story told so everyone would know without a shadow of a doubt that I was incapable of saying yes, I could have made them all see.

Then I started thinking about what my lawyer had said about potential pitfalls of trial; how nothing was guaranteed, how even though he ended up with less then half of the max, he could have been given only probation rather than serve any jail time.

The whole thing made me sick, and frustrated, it just made me want to cry. It took me some time but I was finally able to ask myself, why does it matter so much if one or two or even one hundred people don't believe you?

The obvious answer to me was, 'because it happened.'

I began to understand that, the fact is that not everyone is going to believe me when and if they ever learn what I went through. I began to realize that some people are simply never going to believe it. And that is their choice, that's their baggage.

The fact is also that there are people who do believe me, and it was and is the right people who believe me that should matter to me most. The police, the DA, the judge, my friends, my family, my amazing boyfriend; they believed me then, and they believe me now.

As all of this swam around in my mind and I tried to hold onto the grounded feeling I typically possess, I remembered something. I remembered going to a visit a family member, and sitting outside in their backyard, ready to go into the whole thing with them. I was barely at the beginning when they said the most profound thing that had been and has been said to me;

I believe you.

Those simple words were the most powerful, the most comforting and the most reassuring that anyone said to me. It was those words ringing in my ears that brought me to the realization and the acceptance that regardless of this one individual that had been in front of me for less then two minutes, that the right people had believed me, and that in the long run, this person was and is inconsequential.

I wish that I could sit here and tell you that, if you are currently or ever will be or ever have been where I am now, that you will never have to experience this sense of doubt and confusion. I wish that I could tell you that justice is handed out more often then it is, and that the path to justice is a quick and easy one. But I can't.

What I can tell you is that I don't regret any of it. I don't regret going to the police, or to the hospital, or spending those seemingly endless days waiting to hear what would or would not happen next. I don't regret going before grand jury, and I don't regret making the plea deal. I made what I believed to be the best decision, and I don't regret agreeing to lessen the sentence from Rape I to Sexual Assault II. I don't regret acknowledging that person today, despite how much more difficult my day was because of it.

Even in my weakest moments, I stand up and I stand proud of every decision I have made in my journey to justice, because it did bring me justice. I got closure from attending his sentencing, and I am not going to stand down from doing the bare minimum that my job requires because I might not want to see a particular person.

I am a stronger person every single day that I choose to be happy and grateful for the life that I have, because I have worked damn hard for it. Today was a struggle and I didn't feel at my best, and it's upsetting to me that I didn't feel as though I was in a position to give it as much I could have. But the important thing is that I tried. Every single day that I get up and I choose happiness, joy and gratitude, every day that I choose to try, that's what truly matters.

My dears, the very thought that any one else has endured or could potentially endure this level of suffering and self-loathing breaks my heart. I wish with all of my might that I could hear your story, however much you are willing to tell, look you in your eyes, and tell you that I believe you. That I believe in you. That you are too precious, and too valuable to allow others to bring you down.

I know it can be hard to believe in yourself some times, and even if you experience moments when you don't, it's okay. It's okay to feel the hurt, it's okay to cry, it's okay to want to give up some times, because we're only human. We can only take so much before it becomes too much.

Wherever you are, whatever you're going through, please know that there is someone out there who understands what you are going through, who wants nothing but the best for you, and who holds such a great love and respect for you, because look how far you've come; just think about how much further you can go if you get up and try again tomorrow.

I realize that I may be just some strange woman on the internet whose blog you stumbled upon or perhaps someone shared it with you because they thought, whatever it is that they thought. I want you to know that I see you, not through my eyes perhaps, but through my heart and soul, and I want you to know more then anything else, that I believe you. I believe in you. You got this sweetheart.


All of my love,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Moonlight at the End of the Tunnel

Hey there loves,

How is the Full Moon in Leo treating you all? Are you feeling the affects of the eclipse? Were you able to see the comet from your part of the world?

Image from http://siriusastro.pl/

I don't know how the rest of you feel, but this year in particular the month of February feels rather...precarious. Perhaps because at least in my world, so many things have been shifting and moving around. Two major things have been settled within the first half of this month for me; the first being the move which you can read about in my Post Move Update, and the other which is still sinking in.

Before I jump in, I wanted to touch on something that I have noticed in my life, perhaps you have noticed in yours as well. Perhaps you're familiar with the saying, things happen in threes, I've even written a blog post with that exact title.

Over the last nine months I have written several times about my experience with sexual assault, my frustrations, my fears, the hope that I dared to carry as it was something I simply needed to hold onto.

The day before I was set to move, I was in my now old bedroom, finishing up the last of my packing when my phone began to ring. Looking at the caller ID, I knew it had to be one of two people, so I answered it. It was my attorney calling to get my input on what I would be satisfied with as far as a plea deal was concerned and confirming whether or not I had received my subpoena for the following week as we were set to go to trial.

Even now I am grateful that I was sitting down as this was the first I had heard since October. I had been told during that time that I could expect to hear sometime between January and February, but I certainly did not expect it to be right before my move. Rather than go over too many specifics over the phone, we set a meeting to discuss a potential plea deal and to prep for trial in the event that the deal was denied.

It was a long weekend as we waited to hear if the deal would be accepted, and while I wanted to much to be aligned with what would serve my highest good, I prayed to any and all that would listen, to grant me the grace of not going to trial. The thought of reliving the events of that night in excruciating detail would be difficult enough, but to do so in court in front of strangers and further more, causing my partner to relive the pain again made my stomach feel as though it were trying to reach the center of the Earth.

I got the call that Monday morning, the deal had been accepted. I was then asked if I wanted to attend the sentence hearing, and after giving it some thought, I decided to go. I had no desire to see my attacker again, but I knew that hearing and seeing him sentenced would provide a level of closure that I didn't think would be possible.

Sitting in the courtroom I was filled with nerves as we waited for him to be brought in, even remembering it down I can feel the nausea, the lightheaded tingling, my breath laboring as I still couldn't quite believe that I had finally made it to this moment.

Hearing him answer the judge's questions, his voice was strong and resolved, it was hard to tell what he was thinking. I knew he was still in denial about the damage that he had caused, but that didn't matter at this point.

Prior to the proceedings I was told that if I so wished, that I would be given the chance to make a statement, I couldn't begin to think of what I could possibly say that would be constructive, that would be meaningful. Truth be told, there was absolutely nothing that I wanted to say that I also felt needed to be said.

I was being granted justice, the one thing I've wanted more than anything else these last nine months. Sure, I suppose I could have said that while he has forever changed my life, that his will forever be ruined. That just because I agreed to a 'lesser charge' of Sexual Assault II versus Rape I that it doesn't change the meaning of what happened to me that night.  That regardless of what his record says or what he chooses to call himself, he is a rapist, and that will never change. Just as I will never not be a rape survivor ever again.

All of those sentiments would have fallen on deaf ears, and the truth is that I didn't want to him to have anything else from me as he had already taken so much.

It's difficult not to become emotional as I think of it all, as I look back at how much pain has been endured, not just by me, but also from the friends and family that watched and supported me as I struggled through to find the person that I was before all of this happened.

During last night's ritual, our ritual host and leader Athena, touched on the story of Isis and Osiris, how when Osiris was murdered by his brother, Isis traveled around the globe searching for the pieces of his being to put him back together, and how the act of re-membering him was the greatest act of love.

Last night we worked with deities from the Hindu tradition that I hadn't known about prior, Rati and Kamadeva; Goddess of Passion and God of Lust. She spoke of how they have a similar story, in that when Kamadeva was murdered, she traveled all around to collect his ashes so that she could re-member him.

Going into the meditative state, I knew could already feel how important being vulnerable and open to healing would be, I could also feel how the urge to resist was lying in wait, like an automatic reflex ready to pull me back.

During the meditation we were lead to a beautiful white marble temple and asked to lay on a bed/mattress in the middle of the room, with Rati and Kamadeva joining us on either side. Sensing my hesitation and my uneasiness, they created an energetic egg around us, and held me the way two parents would hold their frightened child.

I told them how much I knew I needed the healing, how I could almost see the pain slowly becoming a safety blanket and how I knew it wasn't what I wanted, but at the same time, it just happened all the same. They shared with me how the best way to dissolve such things lies in forgiveness. How forgiving the source of the pain is the best way to release it, and how they could see that I held that knowledge within me already. They asked me to please forgive my rapist, how it would be the last step in this process, and then it would simply be living a conscious life, something I was already doing.

I looked inside myself, despite knowing the answer. I saw the girl I was nine months ago, desperately holding into a ball of energy that was so many things all at once; denial, anger, unbelievable pain, sorrow, self-loathing, guilt.

I told them how I just didn't know how to forgive him right now, that I knew I should and that I wanted to want to, but that I couldn't bring myself to truly want to forgive him yet.

They each took on of my hands and showed me other men in my life who had caused me unspeakable pain:

My biological father; his abandonment, his drug and alcohol abuse, his literal denial of my identity. Yet I had forgiven him, and that through his actions I was introduced to a father who loves me unconditionally despite some difficult times.

My ex-fiance; his complete and utter mistreatment of me throughout the course of our relationship, his betrayal when he cheated on me with someone I considered to be a best friend, his swift resolve to move on and marry someone new less then two years after our engagement ended. Yet, I had forgiven him. Rather then considering our years together as wasted time, it provided me a clear picture of what I wanted from a relationship, from a partner.

Then there was my rapist. Yes, he was by far the worst in that he violated my being in every way that a person can be violated. And yet, from all of this I have gained so much, I have learned so much, and I will live a life far more fulfilling then I would have previously thought possible. I made it through the most difficult, painful, and trying event of my life, and here I was. And here I am.

We were beginning to be called back, I embraced each in turn and thanked them from the bottom of my heart for their love, their guidance and their healing. My journey to justice is complete, resolved. I sent my rapist to jail. I am in a beautiful new home with a man that I love and adore, two animals who make me laugh every day, and I am able to wake up every morning and be grateful for all of the miracles and blessings that have been gifted to me.

I realize and fully accept that forgiveness is something that I will come to in my own time and is something that I know will serve me, but I also know that some times when we resolve to forgive people who have hurt us, it can feel like we are 'giving them a pass' for what happened to us. It can feel like we are sweeping it under the rug, it can feel like we are saying that those events didn't happen, that what we endured doesn't matter.

What forgiveness really means, is that in spite of the pain and struggle, that we are more important then the person who hurt us. That our happiness, our love for ourselves, and our desire to move on is more important then staying in those spaces where it hurts. That's not to say that we are always ready to immediately move on from the hurt, because nothing heals over night. I'm not ready to fully move on from the pain and suffering that I feel. Some days I feel it more then others, and when I have those days, it's just as important to acknowledge and honor the pain for what it is.

For me personally, forgiveness means that I am not willing to live in the past. It means that I care more about my future then I do about what happened to me trying to get to where I want to go. By forgiving those who have hurt me, it means that I am choosing to become stronger rather then let those experiences weaken me.

Having these views and these beliefs doesn't always make things easier, in fact, most of the time it makes things more difficult, but it makes every experience infinitely worth more.

Whatever you might being going through, however you might be struggling, please know that you are never alone. As impossible as it may feel, you are strong enough to get through the struggles that you're facing.

The resources that I am sharing below, I have shared once before, but if this is your first time with me, I want to be sure that you see these. Use them yourself, share them with your friends and family, or perhaps you don't know who they will help, you never know who will benefit from them. I know that they have certainly helped me.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-TALK
Here is the link to the private chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx


National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 or 1-800-656-HOPE
Here is the link to the private chat: https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp


https://www.rainn.org/
RAINN is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. They are bursting with information, and one of the main resources I used, including their confidential chat which I utilized while I decided on a therapist.

https://www.notalone.gov/resources/
Not Alone was also incredibly helpful because it provided me with a list of crisis centers as well as a hot line that is confidential and 24/7

http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_national_type.php?type_id=1056
WomensLaw is a great site for information about different organizations, statics, and additional resources to get you the help that you need.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Lifeline is always a resource to be aware of regardless of what crisis you might be facing, there is someone who is willing to be there for you.

Love and Healing to you now and always dear ones,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Removing Skeletons from the Closet

Hey there loves,

As I have mentioned in the last couple of postings, I am preparing to move, and a part of that is going through and deciding what is coming with me into this next chapter of my life. One of the projects I've had for myself over several months now, was to go through a storage tote which contained binders, and notebooks, and journals, and letters from as far back as 2003.....

One could easily deduce that the tote was freaking heavy and I simply did not wish to move it one more time. Which is true, but it isn't the whole truth. 

I knew that some of the energy in those entries was going to be heavy, and that if I allowed myself to read too far into any given journal, that I would essentially be transported back to that time and feel precisely what I had written about. While I am sure that for some that would be a valuable experience, for me, I just knew that some pages were better off not being disturbed. 

When I started the project last night, I decided to burn some essential oil, and as luck would have it, I pulled out my Kali oil, and as I lit the candle I asked that she be present with me as I decided what to keep and what to let go after so many years of being carted around.

As the first oil died I wasn't half way through, so I went to put more into the defuser, I ended up pulling out the Sacral Chakra essential oil instead. I felt as though it was no coincidence so I went with it. 

There were journals from my earlier years which contained so much despair and hopelessness, pages upon pages of repeating the same goal of the utmost desire to let go of the feelings I carried for the boy I lost my virginity to at 16. 

As I made my way through the last of the binders in which so many things were preserved in plastic protective sheets, one page caught my eye as I recognized the penmanship immediately. It was a poem that my ex-fiance had written for me so many life times ago. Here I thought that I had disposed of any and everything from him, yet here was this single sheet from a legal pad that had managed to go unnoticed until now. Needless to say it went into the recycle pile without hesitation. 

After all of the struggles and trials that I have endured over the last four years, last year in particular, I want as much of a clean slate as possible. There are a couple of things that I will be keeping of course, but I already feel so much more prepared for this move by taking the time to release so much that I didn't even fully realize I was carrying.

I would be lying if I said that so much of what I kept was mostly on a sentimental level, I thought that somewhere down the line I would want those mementos and to remind me of where I had been and how far I have come; but the truth is that all I have to do is look into the mirror to remember. All I have to do is close my eyes and allow the pictures to come together to be back in those places.

But when it comes down to it, most of those memories are better left alone. It's unnecessary for me to travel so far back to times of feeling wrong, incomplete, unwanted and so unsure of myself. Those years and experiences helped to mold me and will always be a part of who I am. But they do not need a physical representation in my current world.

They are tiny pieces of lives in worlds that no longer exist, and while I continue to hold onto them, the less space I have within myself for the future possibilities, the future world I have worked so hard to get to, a place that I believed in so desperately that if I could manage to get there, that everything I had endured would be worth it.

I realize that not everyone equates energy and energetic imprints with their belongings, but I do, at an extent. I knew months ago how important it was to do this project, but it isn't until roughly a week before starting a new chapter in my life is when it is accomplish. I don't see that as a coincidence, like so many other things I see this as the Universe exercising Divine Timing. 

As my night drew to a close I began thinking about how close I am to this move, and how much/little needs to be done.

I started thinking about the new space I'll be in, and how this is the first time that I am choosing to move in with a partner because it's simply the next 'natural' step in our relationship, versus it being a matter of happenstance, and how ready I am for this step.

I started thinking about how much love and adoration I have for this individual and how, despite how different the financials might differ from my current situation, that I haven't worried or obsessed over how we are going to make it work, because I simply know that we will.  

Never before in my life have I felt such trust in the Universe, never before have I felt such trust in my partner, but most importantly, never before have I felt so much trust, in myself.

In the past when I had shared bits and pieces of some of the major life events that I've experienced, I would shrug my shoulders or shaken my head when people told me how strong I was for moving past such a 'thing.'

I never felt like I was completely through the experience, or that the 'surviving' that I was passing off for living was really worth any admiration, because, well, what the hell else was I going to do?

It's only now that I am able and ready to recognize and honor the warrior I have been, and continue to be. To thank others when they acknowledge my triumphs, because yes, it has been hell getting here. To thank them again when they congratulate me on my accomplishments, because I am no longer to acknowledge how much work has gone into not just my person, but into my journey.

I don't know if I will have time to write again before my move, but I will prepare a tarot card reading for February and have that up and ready before the first.

 Brightest Blessings to you all,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Full Moon, Late Night

Good evening loves,

Happy Full Moon in Cancer!

Oh man, it's been a little over two years since I felt so moved after a full moon ritual, that I wanted to write about it. In fact, I believe that it was my first full moon ritual with Sage Goddess that I felt my spirit awaken, and was filled with the desire to create. And for a while there, I was writing almost every day, there was so much that was on my mind, that I wanted to share, that so desperately needed to be released that for a time it was just pouring out all over the place.

You may very well be feeling similarly with the Moon in her home planet tonight. If you're feeling like a mess or feeling overwhelmed, rest assured that after tomorrow the Moon begins her journey to Leo, which should prove to be rather interesting next month given that (at least in the society where I reside) Valentine's Day is a HUGE focus point for February, regardless of whether it is viewed in a positive or negative light. (But who doesn't like moon light, right?)

If you are currently in the one state that does not currently have snow, I will admit, I am slightly envious. As I have mentioned previously, and as I say in my bio, I live in the Pacific Northwest of the United States; we don't really get snow here, and in fact, as of yesterday, we are in a State of Emergency. It's a big deal for us. 

This week I was given the unexpected gift of a three day weekend, which has been extended to four due to the weather, and in this time I have been able to be still, to be quiet, to go inward and connect with my spirit and my guides in a way which I have not experienced in longer then I wish were true. 

It's given me such a wonderful opportunity to come back here and to start anew with the new year, to remind myself how much I love doing this; writing and sharing and connecting with any and all of those who take the time to read what I have to say. 

With all this unexpected free time, I knew I wanted to dedicate as much time as possible doing the things that I feel like I 'don't have time for' such as ritual. It was really important to me to be present and participate in this month's ritual for a couple of reasons. The main reason being that I missed the feeling of ritual, I missed the guided meditations, I missed connecting with the Universe in such a profound way, as I am able to do during these rituals if I give myself the chance. 

Another reason it was so important to me to participate in the ritual tonight was because I felt a very subtle but sincere pull. Which really got my attention because earlier today I sat before my alter and prayed for the first time, maybe ever. In my prayers I petitioned my goddess and a god from a pantheon a world away to help me maintain this emotional stability I seem to have stumbled upon. I can't say exactly what triggered these feels of security, but I have just been overwhelmed with gratitude, and for what feels like the first time, I have been able to suppress the feelings of anxiety, nervousness, worry, fear. 

Ah, fear. My old nemesis. As I sat down to write about tonight's experience, I was reminded how I felt so compelled to write after my first full moon ritual, and I decided to glance over it to see what these two experiences might share. 

It was during that first ritual that I discovered how fear had wound its way into damn near if not every aspect of my life, and how determined I was to eliminate fear from my life, and how I believed that 2015 would be the best year of my life. Well, that just wasn't the case. 2015 turned out to be one of the most difficult years of my life, but looking back now I can see how much was purged; that it took being on the edge of emotional and mental crippling for me to pull myself back and to blossom into the person that I would always reach out for but could never quite touch. 

Just like my first ritual with Sage Goddess, if I had to describe my experience tonight using only one word, that word would be: intense. 

I've been sharing on my Facebook page and Instagram, and even in my previous posting how things have been almost eerily falling into place, and how there have been multiple signs and synchronicities over the last several days - since the snow came! -  and how it's almost been freaking me out. Almost. 

Rather than be skeptical or push these gifts away (out of fear, i.e. it's too good to be true), I have found myself smiling and laughing in delight, and expressing sincere gratitude almost without thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, there have been moments where I have felt the fear and the worry creeping up on me, and there have even been a few moments here and there where that negative energy has filled my whole body. But what is miraculous to me is that I have been able to dis-spell those feelings.

When I felt myself struggling to do so is when I went before my alter and called to the Universe to help support me. I voiced my concerns, I asked for guidance, for reassurance, for strength to keep on the track I have worked so hard to be on. 

December of 2014 I made a commitment to myself to expel fear from my life. Tonight during ritual we traveled to meet with Zues and Athena, and during that experience I was gifted with the quiet revelation that I have nothing left to fear. That the fear I experience is an illusion, a cheap trick of my ego to keep me in a place of suffering. 

I was given a gift from both Athena and Zues, and even now hours after closing the circle, I can still feel their presence, their love and the soft look of pride in their eyes. I don't know that I have ever felt pride from any deity that I have ever worked with. 

This ritual has provided me with so much clarity, so much hope, so much peace. Even our ritual leader, also named Athena, spoke of things that resonated with me so deeply. There was one thing in particular that she touched on that I felt really hit the nail on the head. 

She spoke of this energy that has been in the field that is prompting us (I say that as a general collective) to get moving and get working, like the energy of Spring has come early. Which may very well explain my burst of energy to work on this blog so diligently, in addition to a couple of other projects that I mentioned previously in the vaguest way possible (of course.)

She reminded us that we are still in the period of rest, and how important it is to continue to allow ourselves this time so that when Spring does come around, that we have our reserves still in place. Now, Spring doesn't officially come around until late March (for us here in the Northern Hemisphere anyway), but we don't necessarily have to wait that long. February 1st also know as Imbolc/Imbolg is when the Earth begins to thaw and we begin to see the first signs of new life, such as animals giving birth, flowers starting to bloom, hopefully warmer temperatures....

I am so grateful that Athena touched on this, because holy cow have I been feeling that go, go, go energy. For the most part I have been able to rein it in and keep it in check, if you don't count the five postings in the last three, maybe four days...

Retaining my energy may prove to be a bit of a challenge simply do to the fact that I will be moving in three weeks, which is really soon. I am not moving far and I don't have much to move, but moving tends to be stressful and in addition to having lots of books, I have heavy furniture. 

That being said, I will be in my new home right around Imbolc, which is one more beautiful synchronicity that the Universe is blessing me with, so, definitely no complaints here. Tomorrow is the last day of my 'snow-cation' and I have to say that I am looking forward to getting back to my regular routine. 

Since our lovely Moon is going to be spending another day in her home of Cancer, I would sincerely encourage you to take an hour, and check out January's Full Moon Ritual, even if you just watch. I think you'll come away feeling glad that you did. 

One final note; full moons are a fantastic time to release and with this being the first full moon of 2017, really consider what needs to be left in 2016. Allow yourself to come into 2017 with less on your plate, less on your shoulders, and less weighing on your heart. It's okay to let those things go. Some times that's what needs to happen in order for all of the new and wonderful things to appear in your life. 

I'm not saying that it's not difficult, or painful, or scary to do so. I am saying that you're strong enough, and that you deserve the peace that will come from moving on from what no longer serves you. You've made it this far, and just think of how much further you can go when you allow yourself the freedom to do so.

 Brightest Blessings to you all,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Destruction Before Creation/A Star is Born

Hello loves,

On this particular evening I am sitting in the comfort of my home, hunkered down as a winter storm begins with the knowledge that I will be more or less 'stuck' for the next couple of days. Winter storms are not necessarily unusual for this time of year, however, the fact that this will be the third time within the last three weeks that we will have snow fall, is quite unusual for this area.

I intend to take the time away from work and traditional responsibilities to enjoy the quiet, and to simply with with myself as much as I can. As I mentioned in my previous post, I tend to shut down and go inward during this time, and this provides the perfect atmosphere to do so. In addition, it has provided me with some time to consider how I wanted to approach this topic, my tarot card for 2017.

(I feel like I should warn you, this is going to be a long one.)

Last year my card was The Tower, which inspired the title for this posting, as that was the phrase or mantra that I adopted for the year. As working with a tarot card for an entire year is a relatively new practice for me, the first year I did so, I wasn't entirely sure how to go about 'working with' said card. More often then not, I couldn't find what I considered to be legitimate connections between the message of the card and my every day life, last year was much different.

At the beginning of the year, I broke off an unhealthy relationship, which was a first for me. It took a meditation with a goddess to give me the push I needed. But once that fire was lit within me, I began to see more clearly the areas of my life where I had put other's first, where I really should have been more considerate of myself.

I realized how even though ending the relationship would be uncomfortable and even painful to a certain degree, I understood deep into my bones how continuing would only cause more damage, not just to myself but to my partner at the time.

That bridge had to be destroyed in order to make room for my current relationship; healthy, proactive, compassionate, genuine and challenging to be the best partner I can be.

I switched gears and entered into a profession that I believed I would be successful in, only to find out that I did not have an affinity for it at all. To top it off, I had been recently hired when I was attacked and due to the nature of the job, I was forced to quit, without the option to return to the position I had been in prior to leaving.

It took a couple of months, but because I decided to take a chance of myself, I was able to enter into a brand new field (to me at least) and I ended up with better hours, and a higher pay rate that my previous two employers.

In the beginning of my healing process, I followed my instinct to receive professional help that also integrated my spiritual path. Finding the right person to work with took some time, but the work that I knew we would be able to accomplish together was worth the wait.

In the time it took to get in touch with my mentor, teacher, and healer, I also learned how much inner strength I truly possess. As much support that I had, there was so much that I had to do on my own, work that only I could do for myself, and in doing so, I readied myself for the work I would do later on.

There were times last year where I forgot who I was, where I felt utterly destroyed and broken: because I was. The person I had known before was gone; I remembered being her, I remembered her easy laugh and her seemingly endless compassion and understanding, I remembered how much she wanted to be a rock for the people around her. But I had lost her, she was like the shadow of a dream that could be so scarcely felt, and the feeling of that previous me, was shattered, was hollow, was just, not there anymore.

Even now it's difficult to look back and remember those months where Purgatory had come to Earth and I seemed to be its sole occupant. Flip the coin over however, and it's encouraging to know how much progress I have made in taking back my life, to know how much will power, resolve, determination, and drive I possess, all of which no one can give or take away, that are truly part of who I am as a person, regardless of what happens in my life.

In addition to the Tower being my tarot card for 2016, numerologically, it was also a 9 year. A year for tying up loose ends, a year for endings, for completion, a year to let go of so much...

I wrote numerous times last year about how long it the year seemed, how weeks and months felt like years in and of themselves, September especially was quite a challenging month. By the time the holidays came, it didn't feel quite real, like some how I had actually made it to the end of 2016, and I couldn't have been more grateful to put that year behind me.

If you're curious how to find this information and/or if you are new to numerology (I am certainly no expert) - you take the year, 2017 and you add each number individually. In this case, the sequence would look like this:

2+0+1+7= 10
1+0= 1

To find your tarot card for the year, you would take your birth month and day, and the current year. So for example, this is how I have found mine:

1+2+3+1+2+0+1+7= 17

I would then locate the seventh card in the Major Arcana, and this year my card is, The Star.

As I was reading about The Star, in one of the companion's for one of my decks, the refer to the numerological counter part of the Star, which happened to be Strength. I also decided to look at last years card and the numerological counter part of the Tower which was The Hanged Man.

I decided to revisit last year's card and its counter part. Maybe it's the fact that last year is behind me, or maybe it's because I'm in a place where I am ready to see from a fresh perspective, regardless of why, each card so clearly describes the trials and miracles of 2016.

With The Tower depicting the utter destruction and loss that I experience, to the feelings of dread, helplessness, and inability to move forward that are depicted in the Hanged Man. Rather than focusing on the darkness that I found myself in, with the help of my loved ones, my guides spirit and otherwise, I was able to find and fight for the possibility of creation, to find the calm within myself to make the decision to go after my attacker through the uncertainty of the justice system.

Because I had nothing else to hold on to, I chose to believe that even though I had suffered such a horrific event, that the Universe truly was protecting me, and that justice would be served. I chose to believe that despite the tear filled journey to recovery, that there was a greater purpose in place, and that some how, I would make the most of what happened to through helping others who experienced the same horrors.

Turning now towards the future, to The Star and to its counter part Strength, I am prepared to open myself fully to the healing and the magic of the Universe. I am prepared to take the next step in welcoming to love and the gifts of the Universe because I know now more than ever that I am worthy of such things.

In the DruidCraft Tarot, they make the connection of the woman pictured in The Star to the Celtic goddess Brigidh, the same goddess who lit the fire within me, the first goddess whose energy I felt as a child, and the goddess whom I feel the most connection to, as she is a goddess of Healing Water and Sacred Flame.

Cards and Counter Parts from the DruidCraft Tarot

The Star speaks of embracing the healing waters, and accepting the sacred protection that is offered by the Universe in all things. It speaks of fueling the creative spirit and allowing yourself to receive all that has been waiting for you. It is a direct sign from your guides, on the physical and spiritual plane that you are on the right path, and to trust your intuition. Lessons have been learned, scars have been earned, and now is the time to allow hope to bloom within one's heart, because that's where dreams are made.

The Star's counter part Strength refers to not just a boost in physical vitality, but of emotional endurance; having faced such strong oppositions, positioning yourself into a strong mental position. Retaining composure, and compassion while standing your ground.

A quote from the Oceanic Tarot about the card Strength, "What opposes you is lower then you are..."

Cards and Counter Parts from the Oceanic Tarot

This quote speaks volumes to me, and reminds me of all that I have risen above, and how I continue to do so by staying true to who I am, my needs, and my path.

Even now within just the first two weeks of 2017, I already feel the weight of the past year alleviated. Depending in who you ask, numerologically 2017 is a 1/10 year. A year of new beginnings, of mastery.

Going into this year there is already so much to be grateful for, so much potential already taking shape in the physical realm.

I have my first performance review with my new employer which could very well result in a pay raise.  As I mentioned before, withing the next couple of weeks I will be celebrating the first year of my relationship with an amazing man, with whom I will be taking the next step and building a home together. I will continue my training and healing with my current teacher and mentor as well as beginning official Reiki training, in addition I will be seeking a mentor and teacher to help take my tarot reading to the next level.

And that's only what I have in mind until roughly March or April. I think it goes without saying that I hope to be able to keep up with this blog all throughout the year, and perhaps even begin a new adventure.

This year is bright and young and perhaps for the first time, I am in fact ready to be in a happy, healthy, prosperous, and productive place; mind, body, and soul.

I hope all of you are just as excited about this year as I am.

Brightest Blessings to you all,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Speaking from the Heart

Hey there my dears,

There are some stories, ideas or articles that tend to write themselves, and there are those such as this one where I feel the need to write and to express myself, but the meat and juice of this project require something more than a simple need.

They take courage, they take resolve, and they take honesty.

When I very first thought about writing a blog I fully intended to carve out time however often to write about my thoughts, my experiences and just whatever else came to me. There was a chunk of time there where I was dedicated and writing in this blog was really all I had.

Things shift and change, the currents ebb and flow and there are simply some days where all we can do is our best to either hang on or to ride the waves to the best of our abilities.

I've written before about living with depression; the darkness I feel inside often lurking, slumbering - how even the slightest rocking of the boat can cause it to awaken and reek havoc. I've written about how most of the time, there seems to be no real reason or culprit for feeling the way that I do, because for all intents and purposes, that's just how it works.

So what does someone like me do when there is a reason, when there is a culprit?

From what I have witnessed people come up with one of two options:

1. Cover it up with positivity and pretending that it doesn't hurt as much as it does.

2. Start doing research about how to hurt them magically without having any of the resounding affects come back at yourself, making the situation worse.

Now, considering it's been some time since I've written about these things and my beliefs and ideas have grown and evolved, I have even more to contend with.

To recap; I believe in soul contracts, karma, multiple reasons behind every event that shapes one's life on any and all levels.

So when something horrible and traumatic happens, does all of that stuff fly out the window?

Not in the slightest.  They may certainly take a backseat for a time while the rest of me figures things out, gets some processing done, and then I slowly bring them back around.

Because let's be honest, "Why did XYZ happen?" is a natural response, but it's not the first thing we process. It's something we come back to, some times even years later because depending on the event, it can take us that long to be ready to consider the question in search of an answer.

I recently wrote about being sexually assaulted, and the other day I contacted my advocate at the DA's office to see if any progress had been made, come to find out they hadn't even reviewed it yet. It was explained to me that the lawyer who was assigned my case had just finished two trials and that they had been very busy, to please call back at the end of the month and that should be sufficient time.

Looking back I am surprised that I kept my composure while I was on the phone, and even for a few brief moments once the call ended. It felt like time had slowed as I attempted to process what I had just been told.

I hesitated calling that morning, I was so afraid of hearing bad news, and I did. The words spoken to me were formal with a hint of understanding, but what translated to my mind and my heart was that the file of my case was in a pile, god knows where, and hadn't even been looked at.

I was filled with rage and pain and what felt like a lack of justice. I felt insignificant, and that the suffering that I have struggled to endure meant nothing to anyone but me. As the tears began to well and fall, I told myself no; I wasn't going to cry. But then I told myself yes, I deserve to cry. So I did.

I cried from so deep inside, I wondered how I was going to make it an additional couple of weeks simply waiting for an answer that might not even be there, and I'd already waited longer than I was originally told I would have to wait.

In those moments I felt so small, and so unimportant that I gave myself an opportunity to just be real about the negative feelings I usually try to keep in check. I cried to the Universe, to Source and was perhaps the most vulnerable, and raw conversation I've ever allowed myself to have.

I expressed how much I wanted my attacker to suffer, how badly I wanted them to hurt, that I hoped he lived in hell every single day not knowing if the police were going to come for him that day. How I hoped that he didn't sleep or eat for every day that I couldn't bring myself to do it, how much I wanted him to see a monster every time he looked into a mirror, that every time he laughed or smiled that he was filled with a sickening guilt that lasted for hours.

Allowing myself to feel and say all of those things caused me to cry harder, because I hate feeling this way. I asked Spirit to understand that all of these thoughts and feelings came from a place of hurt, that I would never want to be responsible for manifesting such things. That even through all of this trauma and hell, I've worked so hard at being the person I was, the person I want to be: happy, optimistic, and understanding.

It was then that Spirit spoke back to me, something I sincerely was not expecting. At first it was a feeling of being enveloped in love and compassion, and true understanding of the pain I walk with everyday. Then very softly I heard the message,

"We know, we watch you, we understand the difference. We are here for you always." It was the sound of a thousand voices from a thousand lifetimes of guides and ancestors and loved ones that make up Spirit and that makes us who and what we are, because we carry Spirit with us.

Later that day I had an appointment with my therapist and I told her about the phone call with the DA, by that time I'd rationalized my feelings somewhat, but when I felt the ripple of pain that I knew would come up, I let myself cry.

I expressed to her that at this point, the worst part of this whole experience, is the waiting. How I have literally done everything I can to get my life back together and to move forward and begin to heal, but that waiting for the judicial system is a hell of it's own kind.

It was then that I was reminded to a scene from the CW's Supernatural. I described to her briefly how a demon becomes King of Hell and he remodels hell to an endless line, in a darkened hallway without anything to distract you, and how once you reach the front of the line, you immediately return to the end of the line.

"That's what it feels like." I told her. She sat there a few moments picturing it in her head, perhaps even trying to put herself in that scenario. I then spoke about how even though it was incredibly difficult hearing that my case had yet to be reviewed, that there was still hope. My case hadn't gone anywhere, it hadn't been thrown out or dismissed. That was the silver lining, and dear god, I was holding onto it as tightly as I could, because I need it.

We always have a choice, and the choice I am making for myself everyday, is to look forward and to focus on the things I can do for myself.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I cannot ask myself why I had this experience, I cannot go back to that night and ask myself why I took the steps that I did, because I have already accepted responsibility for the choices I made in what I believe to be good conscious. If I look at them too much, I slip over the line and begin to start taking responsibility for what I had no control over.

I cannot and will not ever take responsibility for the choices he made. Because those are his and his alone. I will not lie, it has been tempting to take the route of revenge, it's not a hard road to get on, but I have chosen to take the road that I believe is the right one for myself.

It's hell, waiting and wondering what will or will not happen, but I know that Spirit hears me. I know that the Universe is taking care of me, and I accept that when this situation is resolved, that it might not look the way that I want it to look. But I feel if I do not ask for justice, if I do not pray in my own way that I will wonder why the hell I remained silent.

I lived so much inside of my own head every single day, and while I may have been good at lying to myself in the past, I cannot do that with this situation. I want him to go to jail more than I want most things, I want him on a sex offenders list, and I want him to carry his actions with him every single day. I want him to take responsibility, and just own up to what he did.

I realize that I might sound a tad fanatical when I say that I do my best to trust in Spirit every day. I understand how I might sound desperate when I say that I believe in a greater force who sincerely does take care of me, and that this force in the end will bring me justice.

But I say these things because I genuinely do believe, and because I believe, I feel that I have an easier time walking and living in this hell that I reside in, even if it's by a mere fraction.

I have so many wonderful friends and family who love and support me, and I have an incredibly partner who is my rock and my strength, but they are not with me all the time; I believe that Spirit is though, and Spirit helps me hold on, Spirit helps keep me sane, and helps to remind me of the person I know I am and can be.

I know that it's going to take time, but I try to focus on the bright future that I have before me, and one day, this will all be behind me.

I ask Spirit to help me build that future everyday, or at least to remind me of it, because some days are so much harder than others. But I draw strength from those who love me, and I remind myself that if I quit, then my attacker wins. I cannot let that happen. When everything else feels bleak, that simple thought it what gets me going again. I cannot let him win. 

I know that I am never alone, and I hope that everyone who reads this, knows that they are not alone. There is always hope, there is always the chance for happiness, you just have to want it enough. And I want my future more than anything. If I never see the person again, it will be too soon, but I hold onto a picture I see in my mind of my future, with a loving partner, a warm home and a career that I am passionate about; and they with nothing, in the same place they have always been in.

It is a full moon tonight, and an eclipse, and I cannot wait to burn some candles, and work some healing for not only myself but for those who have endured on this journey with me. I'll also be sending out healing to anyone who feels alone and hopeless, I pray that it reaches every heart that they are needed, and cherished and loved, because you are.

I wish you all the brightest blessing, have a splendid Full Moon in Aquarius,

Thealynn

©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

 

Behind Door Number Four

Hey there loves,

I have honestly thought about writing this piece over and over again, and while I think a part of me always intended to, I never quite felt like the timing was right. And I cannot specifically say why I feel compelled to do so now, only that I do, so here I am.

I think it's safe to say that I have never given any sort of disclaimer in any of my work prior to this, but I will say before I get started that the topic of this piece may very well cause discomfort in the least and be a trigger at the worst.

It's a topic that seems to be flooding our social media feeds, perhaps spoken with caution in groups, sparking outrage and bringing change across the world, slowly if not surely.

I am going to talk to you today about rape.

Here in America, someone is raped roughly every two minutes, a rape is reported roughly every six minutes, and one in six women experience sexual assault in their life time. One out of every ten rape victims are male.

It would be easy to tell you that I wanted to discuss this topic because it is such a deafening problem, which is true, but it wouldn't be the whole truth; and while it's also true that this blog is meant to be a place to talk about my path, and to share and to hopefully help to educate and inspire others who perhaps face some of the same struggles that I myself have faced - this topic falls under that category.

Because I was raped nearly three months ago.

Of all the events in my life thus far that have caused me to question my life, and my path, this definitely did it. This experience has challenged me in ways that I didn't know I could be challenged, and I struggle with it every single day.

This is an event that can potentially change literally everything about a person.

I have seen some very dark times, and one way or another I have managed to come out it for the better.

This was the first time that I genuinely questioned my ability to come back from what I was experiencing. For the first week following the rape I could barely sleep, I didn't want to eat, and I cried almost continuously.

It took me four days to work up the courage to go to the police. By that time just about all of the physical evidence was gone, so all I was left with was my statement and the clothes I had been wearing that night. Despite the lack of a rape kit, I went to the hospital to be treated for any potential STIs.

Over the next couple of weeks I struggled to re-assimilate myself back into my life between constant emotional breakdowns, and phone calls from the officer working my case seeking as much detail and clarification for the report that would later be sent to the DA's office. It would be almost two months before I received a call informing me that they had received the police report. They told me that it would be thirty days to process the report.

Within that time I shared what had happened to me with only a few members of my immediate family, and just as many friends. I ended up quitting my job because I was unable to work reliably, and I began to wonder if I would ever be able to find a way to be comfortable in the world again.

I literally hated being alive. I felt dirty and unwanted in my body. I showered compulsively wanting to scrub away the ghost who had so violently violated not just my body but my trust, and at times I found myself simply scrubbing until my skin was red.

I forced myself to quit crying because I was so afraid of being lost in that darkness of hating myself. I would barely sleep because all of my dreams were the shadows of what I remembered from that night.

I could so scarcely feel the old self, I wondered if she even existed. I fought the constant waves of guilt for my situation and argued inside of my own head for hours about what I could have or should have done differently to prevent what happened to me.

There was the reminiscence of the old me who knew that it wasn't my fault, that regardless of circumstance; rape is never justified, but I could only hear her part of the time and her voice was so quiet, like a half-hearted whisper being carried away on the wind.

It took some searching, but I was able to find a counselor who specialized in sexual assault victims. The first several sessions were filled with the tears I had denied myself, and while there was a part of me that hated myself for doing so, the other side felt so relieved to be able to simply let it go, because that's what you're supposed to do in counseling, right?

It's only been three months, and I am still here. It took some doing but I managed to find my footing again and I was able to find a new job. I still have trouble sleeping and some days I need to remind myself to eat.

I look back and find it almost hard to believe that it's only been a few short months. Each day is so long and carries so much weight with it, but then in the blink of an eye a week has gone by.

I don't know what might happen next when it comes to the legalities.

But I do know that I've made it this far. And even though I don't go a day without thinking about that night, and right now I see multiple things a day that remind me of the individual, I've gotten to a place where I don't hate myself any more.

I don't blame myself for the selfish, destructive actions of another. I found the strength within myself to take back the reins of my life. I may not have been physically able to stop what happened, but I can and do say no to anyone else running my life.

Truth be told I have been very lucky, I have received nothing but support, compassion, and encouragement from those I have shared my story with. Too many never hear or experience those things, and I have been given nothing but that and more.

For all of the struggle and trauma I have lived through prior to this, I feel confident in saying that I don't think I would have made it through without the love and support of my friends and family.

Whether my case continues to move forward or it does not, this is just the beginning of this particular journey. Being a survivor of sexual assault has changed my life forever, I will never be the same person that I was before.

To quote a friend of mine,

"This is the only piece of you he is ever going to have."

If there's one thing more I can do for myself, it's to make sure it's the smallest damn piece manageable. Every day that I wake up and choose to take one step closer to the self that I know I can be, that piece gets a little smaller.

I remind myself of that when the I can't sleep or when I have a day where I feel that guilt threatening to come back. Some days are harder than others, and some days I have to hold onto the stubborn nature that tells me that I cannot let him win.

Because every day that I live my life, every day that I find a reason to smile, to laugh, every day that I feel sincere gratitude for the gifts that I receive from the Universe, is a victory.

One in every six women experience sexual assault, one in every ten rape victims are male.

It heart breaks every time I see a headline telling the story of another victim. Roughly one in a thousand rape cases result in jail time. I find myself crying multiple times a day, it doesn't get easier seeing those things.

It's easy to feel like the steps I've taken thus far are pointless, because how special could my case be? What about my experience, my testimony could be so radically different where I receive judicial justice?

To be perfectly honest, I don't expect it at all. I am hopefully. I pray and plead with my gods every day to not let this happen to someone else who perhaps is too frightened to come forward, who is eaten alive by shame.

Whatever the legal outcome of my case is, I can walk away knowing that I have done everything within my power. So much of this feels as though it's out of my hands, and it's frustrating having to wait for a voice on the other line that might never call.

It's difficult to trust that things will work out the way that they should. It's difficult to believe that one day, all of this will be behind me, and that I'll eventually look back on this have a thick layer of scar tissue to point to as an example of yet another battle wound.

But then I see all that I have written here, and I recall the day sitting down on a couch terrified of telling my boyfriend of two months at that time, that I had been raped less than twelve hours earlier. I recall his anger and confusion and his heartbreak, I remember his gentle strength as he held my hand at the police station, and the look of certainty in his eyes every time he told me that together we would make it through this.

Of all the things that have changed because of this incident, there are some things that I refuse to let change.

I will never stop loving people, I will never allow myself to be hardened to the point where I care nothing for the people around me, whether by choice or necessity.

I will not remain silent. I refuse to let what happened to me be buried without any resolve, whether by judicial means or by simply owning my own trauma and one day using it to help be the strength for others who struggle with similar obstacles.

I will always trust that there is a positive to balance the negative, even if I can't always see it.

For all of those who have personally been a victim, or know a victim of sexual assault, know that you are not alone. You do not have to feel ashamed, you are not responsible for another's actions.

You are loved, you are cherished, you are worth it.

Light and love to you,

Thealynn

©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf