I will be the first to admit that it's difficult to know what to say after the last couple of pieces I've shared, it's hard to know which direction to take the conversation, how to shift the tone into perhaps not a happier direction, but a lighter one.
Under any other circumstances I don't know that I would share so many details of my journey, however in this particular instance, I feel that it is of the utmost importance that I be open and share as much as I am able to about every step of this experience.
I have spoken previously of some of the challenges I face on a daily basis, and I am sure that I will speak of them again, but today I want to focus on more on healing. If you haven't had a chance yet, I would encourage you to check out my previous posts that discusses both some metaphysical tools as well as resources.
I mentioned in my previous article that I have been seeing a therapist, unfortunately due to scheduling on both of our parts, our sessions have been a bit sporadic, and for the last month or so I began wondering if I was getting as much as I could out of seeing them; if their particular method meshed with mine and met my needs as I felt that they should be.
Roughly one week ago, I had the honor and privilege to attend a healing circle lead by a Shoshone-Bannock elder, who is also revered as a medicine man, and bundle keeper. It was an event that when I first received the invitation, I was adamant about attending, but as the event grew closer, I began to question whether or not I was in a healthy enough state of mind.
I was concerned about holding myself together emotionally, and mentally. I wondered whether or not I would be able to open myself enough to be fully present for such a rare event. I doubted my ability to let my guard down enough to receive the healing that was being offered.
The day of I was still unsure, and my anxiety was so high and so thick that I began to feel physically ill. It was at this point that I began to feel frustration and anger with myself, why couldn't I let myself have this? Why couldn't I allow myself this opportunity?
I became overwhelmed as I thought of them, their energy and their own connection with bear as one of their totems. I felt tears welling in my eyes as a wave of exhaustion came over me, I asked myself if this is what my life would be life from now on; being excited for an event but then be overridden by anxiety, by worry.
In my frustration I remembered that the medicine bundle that would be present that night was bear medicine. In my own path I associate bear with a very dear, very close friend who is more family than friend, a companion whom I have wandered the ages with. I have always viewed bear as a strong protective force, a comforting energy, I am reminded of kinship.
I decided to light some sage to help calm my nerves, and as I watched the smoke dance and twirl I asked Spirit for help. I asked that if I was meant to receive this healing, that I be filled with resolve to go, regardless of the echoing fear that seemed to bounce around my skull.
When it was finally time to leave for the event, I felt apprehensive and nervous, but I also felt an underlying sense of reassurance. I was not attending this event alone, my soul sister and circle co-creator was responsible for inviting me in the first place, and her presence helped to provide a sense of safety.
We didn't have to travel far as the event was held in a park area only a few towns away. Wandering down the path and into the open space, I felt grounded, connected and calm. The energy reminded me so much of my childhood home, and stepping into the yurt felt similar to entering into the family room with a cup of coffee for quiet time with my father.
By the time we were ready to being, I saw one more familiar face and I thanked any and all who helped me arrive as it truly felt like I was meant to be in attendance. I still struggled at first to enter fully into the meditative state as I have always associated meditation with a sense of vulnerability.
It would have been easy to let myself get worked up into a frenzy, and to be honest, there were a couple of moments where I could feel the anxiety working its way up. Every time I felt myself waiver, I called on bear for strength.
There was one phrase that kept repeating over and over in my mind as we meditated together,
"Everything is connected."
This is an idea, a sentiment, a belief that I have expressed in one way or another from time to time, but there was something about how the words flowed as he spoke them to us.
It was this phrase that helped me to open the gate to Spirit that I had so fiercely closed in my attempt to keep myself from falling apart. It was this phrase that helped to break the free from the anxiety that had ridden me so hard only hours before. It was this phrase that allowed me to let go, breath deep, and finally connect.
This was the first time that I was able to mediate since the assault. At a later time I may share what I experienced during the meditation, but for now I think it's something that I will keep to myself as I hold it so close to my heart.
Once we concluded our circle, I was able to spend a couple of moments speaking with the elder, I was able to express my gratitude not just for the experience that evening but for the work that he continues to do as it is in fact so sacred. It is an experience that I will carry with me for the rest of my life
I was also able to connect with the coordinator for the event, which I was very excited to do. I had connected with them briefly as I have taken workshops with them over the last year and half or so, and had initially reached out to them shorty after my attack.
I was relieved and thrilled to learn that they had some availability to work with new clients, and I am happy to say that I had my first session with them only a couple of days ago.
In the hour and a half that we spent together in sacred space, I feel as though I have gained more than the six to eight weeks I spent working with my other therapist. That's not to say that one is 'better' or more 'qualified' than the other, only that for my own journey to healing, that I need someone who can meet me on a spiritual plane. I need someone who understands and meets me where I am, and can provide me with tools and resources that not only encompass a spiritual aspect, but a clinical one as well.
For now, I think I will leave it at that. I will say is that no one knows what is going to help you best, but you. Only you know how you truly feel, even if it's loud and chaotic, deep down you know what you need to help you succeed.
Don't be discouraged by how much 'time' it takes to 'figure it out.' Some times you have to try different things before you discover what is going to do you the most good.
Until next time loves,
Thealynn
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