Starting From the Bottom

Evening loves,

Oh man, today was not an easy day. I haven't talked about my 'day job' here much, mostly because I never felt the need, but something about the combination of the day brought about so much frustration and feelings of resentment and the decision to no longer remain silent.

Not that I feel any particular need to rant and rave about my job, because in truth, I love my job. I love the people I work with, I love the environment, there's very little that I usually complain about. However, there has been a steady decrease in my passion for my place of employment over the last couple of months, and it's very easily contributed to a very specific source.

Up until now I had believed that in time it would work itself out, and all that I needed to do was to stay focused, continue to be me, just do my thing and help out where I am needed because that's just the type of person that I am; and it's not that I don't see people taking notice, it's not that I don't see people very near desperation in their attempts to 'fix' things, I see all of it. But none of it seemed to really matter, not today.

I've been asking myself all day, why today was the day that I finally hit my 'breaking point'. Why was it today that made so much of a difference for me, and why I decided that it was time to speak up, and speak out.

I kept coming back to the same answer, which strangely enough, had nothing to do with my actual job. If today had had one thing missing, I am willing to bet that I would have been able to go on for some time before coming to the point where I am now. Today I dealt with an unexpected visitor; PTSD.

I've talked before about my struggles with not only accepting that I was experiencing PTSD, but some of the tools I've used to help me cope. I'll leave that link here in case anyone is curious or perhaps is in need of some suggestions. Tools and Resources; Healing from Sexual Assault.

It's been some time since I have what I call an 'episode' regarding PTSD, and admittedly, I thought that I was over it. I thought that I had moved past that particular part in my healing process where unexpected triggers were no longer an issue. I was wrong.

Today was a busy day, we were short staffed, I was working to do two people's jobs and the person I was working with has been so stressed out for so long that they are seeking medical attention because they are in consistent physical discomfort.

I knew what the day before me held and I felt confident that I could do everything that was needed of me, I had a game plan in mind and I was going about my day the way I had hoped and expected that I would. Until I saw someone who threw it all out the window. One of my rapists now ex-roommates.

They had been in only a hand full of times altogether and we had even exchanged pleasantries the last time I had seen them. But seeing them today reminded me very much of the first time they came into my building, in which I experienced a full on panic attack as I was alone and frankly had no idea that I would see them or had any inkling of how to handle a panic attack.

The panic and anxiety that I had experienced came not so much from the person, but from the lack of knowing if said person would then go and tell my attacker where I worked, when they had seen me, basically all those things that you simply don't want your rapist to know.

The panic and anxiety that I felt today was more then just unexpected or unwelcomed, it felt unfounded in its presence. All at once I began to think back to when I was prepping for trial and I asked about the two witnesses that would be called forward. Even though they had no clue what had been taking place, they were still considered 'present' during the attack, had been interviewed by police and therefore would provide testimony, one way or the other. I remember my lawyer paraphrasing what they had told the police,

"That's so unlike him."
"I can't believe she would say that about him."

Those two phrases rang in my mind over and over again, and I couldn't help but wonder, why didn't they believe me?

It didn't matter that I barely knew them, and that of course they were friends with him. As shallow and sexiest as it might be, the justification that sprung up was, "I'm a girl, of course they should believe me."

None of it felt right, none of it felt like me. The sickening feeling that perhaps this person harbored ill feelings towards me because I sent their 'friend' to jail. That for whatever reason, I was somehow unbelievable. The possibility that in their minds was the potential belief that somehow I had 'made up' what had happened to and now XYZ was happening in their life, because of me.

I told myself over and over again that their world is so much bigger than me, that any number of things could be happening with them, and that's why they didn't feel like talking. That they refused to even look in my direction if they thought that I might catch them.

None of it seemed to matter, the feelings of disgrace, hurt, and even shame refused to leave for hours on end. I tried to remind myself that I had sent my rapist to jail, and that it was over, there was nothing that could be said to undo what has been done. Which lead to a train of thought even worse.

What if this person thought I was lying because I took 'the easy way out' and agreed to a plea deal rather then insisting that the case go to trial. Was the sentence he received 'too light'? Did those few years behind bars really fit the crime that was committed? How could I have been so selfish to agree to a plea deal? If I had been strong enough to withstand trail, I could have shown everyone how much damage had really been done, I could have had my side of the story told so everyone would know without a shadow of a doubt that I was incapable of saying yes, I could have made them all see.

Then I started thinking about what my lawyer had said about potential pitfalls of trial; how nothing was guaranteed, how even though he ended up with less then half of the max, he could have been given only probation rather than serve any jail time.

The whole thing made me sick, and frustrated, it just made me want to cry. It took me some time but I was finally able to ask myself, why does it matter so much if one or two or even one hundred people don't believe you?

The obvious answer to me was, 'because it happened.'

I began to understand that, the fact is that not everyone is going to believe me when and if they ever learn what I went through. I began to realize that some people are simply never going to believe it. And that is their choice, that's their baggage.

The fact is also that there are people who do believe me, and it was and is the right people who believe me that should matter to me most. The police, the DA, the judge, my friends, my family, my amazing boyfriend; they believed me then, and they believe me now.

As all of this swam around in my mind and I tried to hold onto the grounded feeling I typically possess, I remembered something. I remembered going to a visit a family member, and sitting outside in their backyard, ready to go into the whole thing with them. I was barely at the beginning when they said the most profound thing that had been and has been said to me;

I believe you.

Those simple words were the most powerful, the most comforting and the most reassuring that anyone said to me. It was those words ringing in my ears that brought me to the realization and the acceptance that regardless of this one individual that had been in front of me for less then two minutes, that the right people had believed me, and that in the long run, this person was and is inconsequential.

I wish that I could sit here and tell you that, if you are currently or ever will be or ever have been where I am now, that you will never have to experience this sense of doubt and confusion. I wish that I could tell you that justice is handed out more often then it is, and that the path to justice is a quick and easy one. But I can't.

What I can tell you is that I don't regret any of it. I don't regret going to the police, or to the hospital, or spending those seemingly endless days waiting to hear what would or would not happen next. I don't regret going before grand jury, and I don't regret making the plea deal. I made what I believed to be the best decision, and I don't regret agreeing to lessen the sentence from Rape I to Sexual Assault II. I don't regret acknowledging that person today, despite how much more difficult my day was because of it.

Even in my weakest moments, I stand up and I stand proud of every decision I have made in my journey to justice, because it did bring me justice. I got closure from attending his sentencing, and I am not going to stand down from doing the bare minimum that my job requires because I might not want to see a particular person.

I am a stronger person every single day that I choose to be happy and grateful for the life that I have, because I have worked damn hard for it. Today was a struggle and I didn't feel at my best, and it's upsetting to me that I didn't feel as though I was in a position to give it as much I could have. But the important thing is that I tried. Every single day that I get up and I choose happiness, joy and gratitude, every day that I choose to try, that's what truly matters.

My dears, the very thought that any one else has endured or could potentially endure this level of suffering and self-loathing breaks my heart. I wish with all of my might that I could hear your story, however much you are willing to tell, look you in your eyes, and tell you that I believe you. That I believe in you. That you are too precious, and too valuable to allow others to bring you down.

I know it can be hard to believe in yourself some times, and even if you experience moments when you don't, it's okay. It's okay to feel the hurt, it's okay to cry, it's okay to want to give up some times, because we're only human. We can only take so much before it becomes too much.

Wherever you are, whatever you're going through, please know that there is someone out there who understands what you are going through, who wants nothing but the best for you, and who holds such a great love and respect for you, because look how far you've come; just think about how much further you can go if you get up and try again tomorrow.

I realize that I may be just some strange woman on the internet whose blog you stumbled upon or perhaps someone shared it with you because they thought, whatever it is that they thought. I want you to know that I see you, not through my eyes perhaps, but through my heart and soul, and I want you to know more then anything else, that I believe you. I believe in you. You got this sweetheart.


All of my love,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Behind Door Number Five

Hey there loves,

As I am sure you are aware by this point, I am not afraid to talk about tough subjects, or if I do find myself apprehensive about discussing a subject, it's really only a matter of time until I feel ready to talk about it.

Well, this time is a bit different. This time, it's a subject that I am having a hard time processing. I don't think that accepting is the right word, but I think there is a resistance to fully accepting. The feelings that I experience are very erratic in that they go from one end of the spectrum to the next.

Today, I am talking about PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder.

In my last couple of articles I've talked about different tools, and resources I've been using to help me through this painful journey. One struggle I seem to be finding is that, the pain I feel has so many different layers, so many different aspects.

Some days it feels like those layers are so heavy, that I wonder how I've been walking around for the last four months, how I've been able to carry them all.

One thing that is scary but helpful about receiving professional help is that you learn to identify what some of those layers are, and for me PTSD has multiple layers simply within itself.

The connection to PTSD was made during my session earlier this week, and since then it's been a roller coaster of a kind of weight lifted off my shoulders having an explanation for all of the seemingly little things that I've been plagued with, and a sickening feeling in my gut telling me that I have one more thing - one more, big, heavy thing, to contend with and to spend my days identifying when it comes up. 

It's a blessing and a curse because I've realized the extent of which I've living within my PTSD, and at the same time I can put those symptoms in a box; I can compartmentalize and remind myself that it's a temporary condition and that I won't live this way forever. Even though there is a real possibility that I will.

So many of the struggles I've been dealing with are symptoms of PTSD, because they are in fact so numerous. From trouble sleeping to reliving the event in my mind to hyper-vigilance, just to name a few.

It was difficult for me to research PTSD because as I would read the symptoms, I could feel the echo of my experience with those symptoms deep within me, almost like a ripple affect. It even hits me some times how right now, I am experiencing what they call 'acute PTSD' meaning the symptoms are temporary and they fade away with time. But directly behind that reminder is a frightening whisper that acute PTSD can turn into chronic PTSD. While it's not an idea that I want at the forefront of my mind, it's also a very real possibility.

This whole ordeal, this whole process has been nothing short of a trail, and while being able to find my way back to my spiritual path has had incredible benefits and has helped me find myself again, having a sense of concrete knowing, has helped just as much if not more.

Knowing what I am facing helps to take away some of the fear of the remaining unknown elements. Knowing now that I am experiencing PTSD, knowing that my friends and family support me without reservations or doubts, knowing that everyday I am doing my best to take care of myself . . . 

Knowing that my case has finally be reviewed and is going to grand jury, helps me breath a little easier then I did the day before.

I know that I am nowhere near being out of the woods, whether it be regarding the legal process or regarding my own journey to healing, a huge step has been taken, and rather than think of everything that could go wrong, I am choosing to focus on the triumphs, and living in those moments of relief.

Just like I did in my article about tools and resources, I am going to include links for a couple of the pages I used in my research about PTDS.


NIMH-PTSD: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml

USDofVA: National Center for PTSD: http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/treatment/cope/index.asp

HelpGuide: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/ptsd-in-the-family.htm 

I am also going to include links for suicide prevention, whether you are experiencing depression, anxiety, PTSD - whatever it is, there is always help.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-TALK
Here is the link to the private chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

One last thing that I do want to say is that, while PTSD can be difficult to diagnose, it's very treatable. Regardless of the challenges and obstacles you may be facing, you deserve to life your life to the fullest, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

So much love to you wherever you are, and please remember that you are not alone. 

Brightest Blessings,

Thealynn

©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Healing the Hurt

Hey there loves,

I will be the first to admit that it's difficult to know what to say after the last couple of pieces I've shared, it's hard to know which direction to take the conversation, how to shift the tone into perhaps not a happier direction, but a lighter one.

Under any other circumstances I don't know that I would share so many details of my journey, however in this particular instance, I feel that it is of the utmost importance that I be open and share as much as I am able to about every step of this experience.

I have spoken previously of some of the challenges I face on a daily basis, and I am sure that I will speak of them again, but today I want to focus on more on healing. If you haven't had a chance yet, I would encourage you to check out my previous posts that discusses both some metaphysical tools as well as resources.

I mentioned in my previous article that I have been seeing a therapist, unfortunately due to scheduling on both of our parts, our sessions have been a bit sporadic, and for the last month or so I began wondering if I was getting as much as I could out of seeing them; if their particular method meshed with mine and met my needs as I felt that they should be.

Roughly one week ago, I had the honor and privilege to attend a healing circle lead by a Shoshone-Bannock elder, who is also revered as a medicine man, and bundle keeper. It was an event that when I first received the invitation, I was adamant about attending, but as the event grew closer, I began to question whether or not I was in a healthy enough state of mind.

I was concerned about holding myself together emotionally, and mentally. I wondered whether or not I would be able to open myself enough to be fully present for such a rare event. I doubted my ability to let my guard down enough to receive the healing that was being offered. 

The day of I was still unsure, and my anxiety was so high and so thick that I began to feel physically ill. It was at this point that I began to feel frustration and anger with myself, why couldn't I let myself have this? Why couldn't I allow myself this opportunity?

I became overwhelmed as I thought of them, their energy and their own connection with bear as one of their totems. I felt tears welling in my eyes as a wave of exhaustion came over me, I asked myself if this is what my life would be life from now on; being excited for an event but then be overridden by anxiety, by worry. 

In my frustration I remembered that the medicine bundle that would be present that night was bear medicine. In my own path I associate bear with a very dear, very close friend who is more family than friend, a companion whom I have wandered the ages with. I have always viewed bear as a strong protective force, a comforting energy, I am reminded of kinship.

I decided to light some sage to help calm my nerves, and as I watched the smoke dance and twirl I asked Spirit for help. I asked that if I was meant to receive this healing, that I be filled with resolve to go, regardless of the echoing fear that seemed to bounce around my skull.

When it was finally time to leave for the event, I felt apprehensive and nervous, but I also felt an underlying sense of reassurance. I was not attending this event alone, my soul sister and circle co-creator was responsible for inviting me in the first place, and her presence helped to provide a sense of safety.

We didn't have to travel far as the event was held in a park area only a few towns away. Wandering down the path and into the open space, I felt grounded, connected and calm. The energy reminded me so much of my childhood home, and stepping into the yurt felt similar to entering into the family room with a cup of coffee for quiet time with my father.

By the time we were ready to being, I saw one more familiar face and I thanked any and all who helped me arrive as it truly felt like I was meant to be in attendance. I still struggled at first to enter fully into the meditative state as I have always associated meditation with a sense of vulnerability.

It would have been easy to let myself get worked up into a frenzy, and to be honest, there were a couple of moments where I could feel the anxiety working its way up. Every time I felt myself waiver, I called on bear for strength.

There was one phrase that kept repeating over and over in my mind as we meditated together,

"Everything is connected."

This is an idea, a sentiment, a belief that I have expressed in one way or another from time to time,  but there was something about how the words flowed as he spoke them to us.

It was this phrase that helped me to open the gate to Spirit that I had so fiercely closed in my attempt to keep myself from falling apart. It was this phrase that helped to break the free from the anxiety that had ridden me so hard only hours before. It was this phrase that allowed me to let go, breath deep, and finally connect.

This was the first time that I was able to mediate since the assault. At a later time I may share what I experienced during the meditation, but for now I think it's something that I will keep to myself as I hold it so close to my heart.

Once we concluded our circle, I was able to spend a couple of moments speaking with the elder, I was able to express my gratitude not just for the experience that evening but for the work that he continues to do as it is in fact so sacred. It is an experience that I will carry with me for the rest of my life

I was also able to connect with the coordinator for the event, which I was very excited to do. I had connected with them briefly as I have taken workshops with them over the last year and half or so, and had initially reached out to them shorty after my attack.

I was relieved and thrilled to learn that they had some availability to work with new clients, and I am happy to say that I had my first session with them only a couple of days ago.

In the hour and a half that we spent together in sacred space, I feel as though I have gained more than the six to eight weeks I spent working with my other therapist. That's not to say that one is 'better' or more 'qualified' than the other, only that for my own journey to healing, that I need someone who can meet me on a spiritual plane. I need someone who understands and meets me where I am, and can provide me with tools and resources that not only encompass a spiritual aspect, but a clinical one as well.

For now, I think I will leave it at that. I will say is that no one knows what is going to help you best, but you. Only you know how you truly feel, even if it's loud and chaotic, deep down you know what you need to help you succeed.

Don't be discouraged by how much 'time' it takes to 'figure it out.' Some times you have to try different things before you discover what is going to do you the most good.

Until next time loves,

Brightest Blessings,


Thealynn

©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Behind Door Number Four

Hey there loves,

I have honestly thought about writing this piece over and over again, and while I think a part of me always intended to, I never quite felt like the timing was right. And I cannot specifically say why I feel compelled to do so now, only that I do, so here I am.

I think it's safe to say that I have never given any sort of disclaimer in any of my work prior to this, but I will say before I get started that the topic of this piece may very well cause discomfort in the least and be a trigger at the worst.

It's a topic that seems to be flooding our social media feeds, perhaps spoken with caution in groups, sparking outrage and bringing change across the world, slowly if not surely.

I am going to talk to you today about rape.

Here in America, someone is raped roughly every two minutes, a rape is reported roughly every six minutes, and one in six women experience sexual assault in their life time. One out of every ten rape victims are male.

It would be easy to tell you that I wanted to discuss this topic because it is such a deafening problem, which is true, but it wouldn't be the whole truth; and while it's also true that this blog is meant to be a place to talk about my path, and to share and to hopefully help to educate and inspire others who perhaps face some of the same struggles that I myself have faced - this topic falls under that category.

Because I was raped nearly three months ago.

Of all the events in my life thus far that have caused me to question my life, and my path, this definitely did it. This experience has challenged me in ways that I didn't know I could be challenged, and I struggle with it every single day.

This is an event that can potentially change literally everything about a person.

I have seen some very dark times, and one way or another I have managed to come out it for the better.

This was the first time that I genuinely questioned my ability to come back from what I was experiencing. For the first week following the rape I could barely sleep, I didn't want to eat, and I cried almost continuously.

It took me four days to work up the courage to go to the police. By that time just about all of the physical evidence was gone, so all I was left with was my statement and the clothes I had been wearing that night. Despite the lack of a rape kit, I went to the hospital to be treated for any potential STIs.

Over the next couple of weeks I struggled to re-assimilate myself back into my life between constant emotional breakdowns, and phone calls from the officer working my case seeking as much detail and clarification for the report that would later be sent to the DA's office. It would be almost two months before I received a call informing me that they had received the police report. They told me that it would be thirty days to process the report.

Within that time I shared what had happened to me with only a few members of my immediate family, and just as many friends. I ended up quitting my job because I was unable to work reliably, and I began to wonder if I would ever be able to find a way to be comfortable in the world again.

I literally hated being alive. I felt dirty and unwanted in my body. I showered compulsively wanting to scrub away the ghost who had so violently violated not just my body but my trust, and at times I found myself simply scrubbing until my skin was red.

I forced myself to quit crying because I was so afraid of being lost in that darkness of hating myself. I would barely sleep because all of my dreams were the shadows of what I remembered from that night.

I could so scarcely feel the old self, I wondered if she even existed. I fought the constant waves of guilt for my situation and argued inside of my own head for hours about what I could have or should have done differently to prevent what happened to me.

There was the reminiscence of the old me who knew that it wasn't my fault, that regardless of circumstance; rape is never justified, but I could only hear her part of the time and her voice was so quiet, like a half-hearted whisper being carried away on the wind.

It took some searching, but I was able to find a counselor who specialized in sexual assault victims. The first several sessions were filled with the tears I had denied myself, and while there was a part of me that hated myself for doing so, the other side felt so relieved to be able to simply let it go, because that's what you're supposed to do in counseling, right?

It's only been three months, and I am still here. It took some doing but I managed to find my footing again and I was able to find a new job. I still have trouble sleeping and some days I need to remind myself to eat.

I look back and find it almost hard to believe that it's only been a few short months. Each day is so long and carries so much weight with it, but then in the blink of an eye a week has gone by.

I don't know what might happen next when it comes to the legalities.

But I do know that I've made it this far. And even though I don't go a day without thinking about that night, and right now I see multiple things a day that remind me of the individual, I've gotten to a place where I don't hate myself any more.

I don't blame myself for the selfish, destructive actions of another. I found the strength within myself to take back the reins of my life. I may not have been physically able to stop what happened, but I can and do say no to anyone else running my life.

Truth be told I have been very lucky, I have received nothing but support, compassion, and encouragement from those I have shared my story with. Too many never hear or experience those things, and I have been given nothing but that and more.

For all of the struggle and trauma I have lived through prior to this, I feel confident in saying that I don't think I would have made it through without the love and support of my friends and family.

Whether my case continues to move forward or it does not, this is just the beginning of this particular journey. Being a survivor of sexual assault has changed my life forever, I will never be the same person that I was before.

To quote a friend of mine,

"This is the only piece of you he is ever going to have."

If there's one thing more I can do for myself, it's to make sure it's the smallest damn piece manageable. Every day that I wake up and choose to take one step closer to the self that I know I can be, that piece gets a little smaller.

I remind myself of that when the I can't sleep or when I have a day where I feel that guilt threatening to come back. Some days are harder than others, and some days I have to hold onto the stubborn nature that tells me that I cannot let him win.

Because every day that I live my life, every day that I find a reason to smile, to laugh, every day that I feel sincere gratitude for the gifts that I receive from the Universe, is a victory.

One in every six women experience sexual assault, one in every ten rape victims are male.

It heart breaks every time I see a headline telling the story of another victim. Roughly one in a thousand rape cases result in jail time. I find myself crying multiple times a day, it doesn't get easier seeing those things.

It's easy to feel like the steps I've taken thus far are pointless, because how special could my case be? What about my experience, my testimony could be so radically different where I receive judicial justice?

To be perfectly honest, I don't expect it at all. I am hopefully. I pray and plead with my gods every day to not let this happen to someone else who perhaps is too frightened to come forward, who is eaten alive by shame.

Whatever the legal outcome of my case is, I can walk away knowing that I have done everything within my power. So much of this feels as though it's out of my hands, and it's frustrating having to wait for a voice on the other line that might never call.

It's difficult to trust that things will work out the way that they should. It's difficult to believe that one day, all of this will be behind me, and that I'll eventually look back on this have a thick layer of scar tissue to point to as an example of yet another battle wound.

But then I see all that I have written here, and I recall the day sitting down on a couch terrified of telling my boyfriend of two months at that time, that I had been raped less than twelve hours earlier. I recall his anger and confusion and his heartbreak, I remember his gentle strength as he held my hand at the police station, and the look of certainty in his eyes every time he told me that together we would make it through this.

Of all the things that have changed because of this incident, there are some things that I refuse to let change.

I will never stop loving people, I will never allow myself to be hardened to the point where I care nothing for the people around me, whether by choice or necessity.

I will not remain silent. I refuse to let what happened to me be buried without any resolve, whether by judicial means or by simply owning my own trauma and one day using it to help be the strength for others who struggle with similar obstacles.

I will always trust that there is a positive to balance the negative, even if I can't always see it.

For all of those who have personally been a victim, or know a victim of sexual assault, know that you are not alone. You do not have to feel ashamed, you are not responsible for another's actions.

You are loved, you are cherished, you are worth it.

Light and love to you,

Thealynn

©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Looking in an Honest Mirror

Hey there lovies,

It's been a little while since I've talked about some of the more personal, nonspiritual aspects of my life so I thought that I would give a little bit of an update. I get the feeling that there are a lot of people out there who are under the impression that because someone might take a spiritual approach to life that we do not face the same struggles as someone who takes a more 'traditional religious' road or even a path free of any form of faith. Or that because of our perspective that we are able to maintain that perspective at all times and that we don't ever face times of doubt.

Both of which are untrue.

While all of the work that was done during my Open Heart series and all of the progress was made, which was surprisingly successful, there is still a lot of work to be done. I have mentioned in previous posts touching briefly on certain aspects of my shadowself that are particularly difficult to deal with when they make themselves known.

I was having a recent conversation with a close friend of mine about the struggles I've been facing recently, and they asked me if I had been maintaining my practice, and I admitted that I had been shying away from it a bit because of how I worry about infusing my practice with negativity.

Which I realize might sound silly, because one of the main reasons people turn to their faith of choice when they are struggling. In fact when I began walking this path again almost three years ago it was because I was facing a major crisis and desperately felt like I needed something to hold on to, something to serve as an anchor.

Now being as immersed as I am and as dedicated as I want to be, it fills me with no end of guilt that I am afraid of what I might be confronted with by working too closely with my guides; which stems from being worried about not being able to handle what is happening in other aspects of my life.

I've slowly been working on releasing the reins of control and being content with doing my best. I've been told that this is not uncommon but I have a tendency to hold myself to higher standards than I hold everyone else which often leads to me stressing and psyching myself out over 'not doing enough' or 'not doing well enough' when in reality I am doing just fine.

I also have a nasty habit of reliving conversations or events that hold a lot of negative feelings, perpetuating negative cycles. I also have the tendency to compartmentalize issues to the point where I literally forget about them, at least until they become a raging monster and infinitely more difficult to deal with.

There have been times in the past where things in my life have gotten so out of hand where it really feels like there is no way out-which is not true, no matter how difficult things seem.

It's occurred to me for some time that if I am really going to get a handle of things, on my life and live it the way I know it can be lived there are changes that must be made; figuring out how to make those choices in a way that they stick and are effective is a matter unto itself.

Earlier in the year I pulled a tarot card that would represent the theme of 2015 and it was a simple, yet loaded word: Choice.

Every day, every moment is a choice; even the seemingly most insignificant moments of our lives present us with a choice. Sometimes making those choices are more difficult than others, not acting, or responding are choices.

It's difficult to remember that some times, and some times we just don't feel like hearing it; we become desensitized to the sentiment.

While it's been something I know I have needed for quiet some time, I have done some research and reached out to a counselor for some professional assistance in getting my life on a healthier track and a better idea of what is causing my struggles so that I can deal with them on every aspect, not just a spiritual one.

I know that not everyone agrees one way or the other about any form of assistance or treatment, depending on where you're coming from. But just like I have said about working with guides, or with crystals and stones; you are the priority. Do what needs to be done for you.

This is something I feel confident about doing. I've always had an idea of what the root of my problems might have been, but I've never been entirely sure how to full identify or even fully heal. This is something I owe myself if I want to move forward and continue moving forward.

Am I scared?

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous about taking this step. I have no illusions about how difficult the work might be, but I do have hopes for what the results will look like. 

Light and love to you all dears,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn

Behind Door Number Three

Hey there lovies,

Welcome to Part Nine of my Open Heart Series!

If you have not read the previous parts of this series I would encourage you to follow the links below so that you can get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journeys of how, why, and how to!

Previous Series Postings
OHNMR
OHNMRT
Behind Door Number Two
Why Answer the Why
When Guides Come Knocking
Grounding and Bubble Meditiations
Whisperings of a Ghost 
Connecting with Your Guides

So without further ado!

There have been so many things that have transpired since I began this journey of my Open Heart series. I thought that reuniting with my father after twenty years would be the high light, but it turns out, the Universe had more in store for me.

Don't worry, I'll explain.

I am participating in sessions with a well versed spiritual teacher, along with many others, and during our most recent lesson a goddess' name was spoken and it sounded as if the name itself was ringing. Now, from time to time I will have random ringing or a high pitched note go off in my ears for varying amounts of time, and at first I thought that's what it was. As my teacher talked about part of our spiritual work and about the goddess herself, I felt myself slowly filling up and then slowly being surrounded by this energy.

I felt warm, empowered, creative and sexy. That last part really threw me for a loop, because there have been very few times that I have felt that way. Which I never really considered a bad thing, but when I was thinking about it a bit more and it made me...sad.

While I very much embrace the fact that I am an Earth sign, and am very much rooted in a physical world, I've never had much appreciated my own physical form. I've never considered myself particularly attractive, or fit, or even desirable.

There have been several years when I have told myself that I would get in shape, and I would change my eating habits and that I wanted to take better care of myself physically, I haven't done it. Not for extended periods of time anyway.

I never really gave  thought as to why it never stuck, or why I was never able to commit to it, and to be honest, the only thing that comes to mind is I am afraid of changing. Which sounds so silly when I put it that way, because there really are NO downsides to any of those goals. My ego comes into play though and reminds me of how gross I'll get working out, and how I'll be sore, and what about that asthma I've never been professionally diagnosed with?

While I have never been a particularly thin person, it's only been in the last five years that I've become overweight. Not dangerously so, but enough that any body issues I may have had before were magnified.

I was on the heavier side of the average for my age and height, and while I felt like my thighs were mountains, I was fine with the rest of my body. I certainly didn't love my body, but I didn't hate it either. Overall I just wasn't very excited about my whole self.

I've never liked too much physical activity because I felt like it only highlighted what I considered to be what I was physically lacking or I felt like I just was not good at whatever I was trying to do. I preferred to be stationary and write or read-not that that much has changed to be honest.

Last summer for one of my college classes I took ballroom dance, and I LOVED it. It's true that I was sore some days, and that we all certainly got sweaty due to lack of air conditioning in that part of the gym, but I had an absolute blast.

Before that class I always said how much I didn't think I could dance. And sure, it took a few classes to get the hang of things, but I was constantly being complimented on my technique when I was just flowing through the steps. It was something that just came naturally to me.

I was surprised because when I started high school I went through a major stint of depression where I completely disconnected from every aspect of life, and even though I got out of it, I never really felt connected on a physical level other than extreme pain.

As I slowly but surely began gaining weight, it affected not only my health, but my relationship. As much as my ex thought he was encouraging me, all he did was make me feel horrible about myself which only caused the cycle to continue. The ways that he enjoy exercising just did not appeal to me, which frustrated him, frustrated me, and only added to the problem.

When I was dancing, as much as I loved it, there was always a small part of me that was self-conscious about the way my body was moving, and how it looked while it was moving. There were moments when I was completely caught up in the dance and didn't care about it at all because I was connecting with a part of my soul that I didn't know existed.

When I have thought about getting in shape, and getting healthy, there has always been a block for me to do it, and as I have been writing this, I am now realizing that there are a couple of reasons.

1. I've been afraid of failing. I'm afraid of the looks I'll get from people while I am working out, I'm afraid of their judgement.

2. I've been afraid of what will happen if I loose the weight, but can't keep it off. It's easier just to maintain where I already am.

3. I've been afraid of not being able to loose the weight. If 'regular exercise' and a healthy diet don't do it, what will it take?

4. I've been afraid of not being attractive once I'm in better shape. It's been easy to justify not having someone in my life because of my weight. If I'm in good physical shape and I'm still not attractive, what does that say about me?

Seeing them listed in front of me is eye opening but it's also heartbreaking. While I feel somewhat relieved to have finally broken this thing down, I also feel a sense of shame because I realize how shallow these reasons are, especially the last.

I know that logically whoever I am with will love me and want to be with me because of who I am on the inside, and while I truly do believe that, it's hard to remember while I feel so negatively about myself on the outside.

While I consider myself a spiritual soul, I am also a very physical being. And I honestly believe that getting in touch with my body, and being brave and motivated to finally take those steps will only help to serve my highest good and my purpose.

In the honor of that, I am going to be implementing yoga and belly dancing into my daily routines. I'm doing to be doing some research on how best to get started, and I am hoping that I can start practicing the basics at home.

This was possibly one of the last deities I ever expected to come to me, let alone in such a profound way. Even though it has been almost two weeks since the initial interaction and I have continued to feel her presence and her energy. She has also popped up in several places since that time, only reinforcing her place in my life and in my spiritual work.

I had intended to use this posting to introduce her, and to share how I will be working with her, but I think this is what needed to be done in preparation of that. I'm so grateful for this journey, because it has taken me places I never thought I would go, or needed to go.

It's been almost two months since I started this journey again Through the Secret Door, and this series that started off with just a few simply posts has gown into the first tree I see planted in the garden of this sacred space.

I've taken my first step to surrendering to my purpose, and though I do not know what or how many steps lay before me, I know that will continue through with humility, free of fear, and knowing I have such an amazing goddess beside me, I feel as though I am ready to ride this wave to it's fullest extent.

Sending you light and love,

Thealynn

You can purchase this print from The Lovely Little Witch Etsy Shop.

©2013-2015 Thealynn

Behind Door Number Two

Hey there lovies,

Welcome to Part Three of my Open Heart Series!

If you have not read Part One or Part Two you can click the links and get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journey of how, why, and how to!

Part Three is much more of a journal piece versus a spiritual one, but just like my Behind Door Number One, and A Little Bit Stronger posts, I feel that it is essential to the journey ahead. It will give you a little more background on me, and how I got to where I am. As we can all attest to, every journey begins with a single step, and this is my first step on a journey to heal and open my heart. 

Even though this is part three in the series, this was the first post that I wrote. I had intended it to be the first post, but with the new moon so close I wanted to make sure that that the ritual and tool information was available to you as soon as possible. 

Following pieces of this series will include a retelling of a of a personal meditative experience, some meditations that I find helpful, ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.

So without further ado!

I will readily admit that when I decided to follow through with the Open Heart Series I wasn't entirely sure what I was getting myself into. 

Since joining a couple of groups and working with like minded people I've been instilled with the courage to get out of my own head space and just follow what feels right, and it's been an amazing experience, however it's also been a huge influx of energy.

In all honesty it's been a bit overwhelming. Not in a negative sense by any means, but very draining. As I'm learning to balance school and all of the work I am doing personally, with my group and for this blog I am learning more and more the importance of working with my stones and meditating to center and ground myself. 

If you've been with me for a whole then you know that I have been working on releasing fear from my life, and it's been going well so far. Until I realized how close I was getting to dealing with the number one emotional obstacle I've ever faced. 

My fear of relationship getting into another relationship.

Typing that last sentence was easily one of the most difficult things I have done in this short year. But I knew that it was the first step, the second being that I would then need to figure out the big, "Why?"

In all honesty it's incredibly difficult for me to write about. Looking back to when I went to write about my anxiety it was something that I just needed to channel out of me. To get it right in front to me, to see it for what it really is. Somehow that has been easier than this. 

The truth of the matter is that this is absolutely terrifying. As important as I know that it is to face and deal with all of this, it's caused some serious anxiety for me. Which unfortunately has been piled on top of other worries, so the last few days have been very hard. 

Everything began piling up and before I knew it I felt like I was exactly where I started. I hate feeling so out of control, and the feelings of helplessness. It just feels as though everything that I have done hasn't been good enough, because look; I'm still here dealing with it. I haven't fixed it yet, why haven't I fixed it?

It wasn't until this most recent episode that I realized why I'm afraid to be in another relationship. I finally understood the reason why I am so scared for my life partner to actually find me.

I'm afraid of me. 

I am scared and worried that even after all of the work that I have been putting in to making myself, being happy with who I am, and self-sufficient, that it won't be enough. That I won't be able to keep up my progress, that I won't be ready when he gets here. 

I am terrified that no matter how hard I've tried to move on and let go of the past, that history will end up repeating itself, and that I'll have to start all over again. 

When I ended my engagement almost three years ago, it almost destroyed me on every single level. It wasn't so much that the relationship was over because in reality, it had been over for a long time, I just didn't know it. 

The way that it happened, the way that I was told, and learning how I had been living a lie for the previous three years, it was just too much. The events that followed were just as traumatic; seeing him move on so quickly with someone else, erasing every piece of evidence that we were ever together was just as heartbreaking. 

When I began spending time with my now ex-boyfriend, I felt compelled to tell him how much I felt I wasn't ready for a relationship, how broken I felt and how I just didn't think I could be with someone again so soon.

He was understanding and compassionate, and let me call the shots. After a week of spending almost every day together, I knew I had to make a decision. I knew that I wouldn't be staying in the area, I was leaving in a matter of months, did I really want to start something?

I followed my feelings, and I am grateful everyday that I did. We were together for thirteen months, more then half were spent long distance. In that short amount of time he took care of me in a way I had never been taken care of before, he showed me what it was like to be cherished and appreciated. Something I had never experienced in an almost ten year relationship.

I still cared for him immensely when we decided to call it quits. I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do, that the situation wasn't fair to either of us, and at the time he was giving more to the relationship then I was. I knew I had to let him go. Even with all of that knowledge it took me over a year to fully let go. 

I am now worlds and even lifetimes away from those days, but when I really stop to think, it hits me how it hasn't been that long. Even though I have made tremendous progress with my life and within myself, I've been able to do all of those things because I made the decision to focus on me.

I've been adamantly against being in a relationship because it occurred to me that I had never really been single in my adult life. The five months between ending one relationship and getting into another doesn't provide a lot of personal discovery time.

When things ended this last time, I was determined to not jump into anything right away. A little over a year later, I still don't necessarily feel ready to get back out there. I know that I still have work to do, and that there are things I want to be better sorted before a relationship comes knocking.

So instead of worrying about it so much, and feeding the anxiety, I am going to trust that the Universe knows what is for my highest good, and continue focusing on what I can change. 

It something that it is much easier said then done, but I really believe that it is something that I can do. I certainly do not expect things to change overnight, just like I don't expect this to be an easy journey. One thing I do expect is that the rewards will be infinitely worth the effort. 

Sending you light and love,

Thealynn


As an additional note, I wanted to take a moment to recognize my friend J who was patient and helpful when I was struggling to write this piece. Our conversations were exactly what I needed, your encouragement especially. You have my deepest thanks.

©2013-2015 Thealynn

A Little Bit Stronger

Hey there lovies,

I decided to take a couple of days to myself to focus on implementing some of the changes I've been wanting to do with my blog, and also think about what I wanted to write about next. I reviewed the list I have going, and while I am excited to write about those things, I also have had cumulus nimbus hanging around. So I've been trying to take things easy and not overwhelm myself with the same thought patterns over and over again.

I was on my way home from the store when a song came on Pandora that I used to listen to all the time. It's called A Little Bit Stronger by Sarah Evans. Now, why a country song decided to randomly play on my Lady Gaga station, I can only imagine as a sign from the Universe to talk more about what I'm working through.

I used to journal almost every day when I was in high school, it was really the only therapy I was able to have. I would usually write about how much I hated everything, and how hopeless I felt, how angry I was. I spent most of my freshmen year of high school in the worst depression of my life. By sophomore year I had stabilized a bit and I would journal about school and friends, emotional dilemmas and of course boys. Junior and Senior year was more of the same-but it was an outlet that I desperately needed, and since then whenever things have been hard or I couldn't stop thinking about a particular issue, I would write about it.

I realize that my main goal of this blog is for my spiritual goals and experiences, and sharing my ideas. But when I stop and think about my spiritual health, I realize that my emotional and mental health have to be there as well or I don't get anything done. The motivation simply isn't there.

When I put my head phones in and I heard the lyrics, I almost skipped the song. But I chose to listen to it and during my five minute walk I thought about how I used to feel when I listened to this song.

I felt heartbroken, I felt lost, helpless, hopeless and that all of the light had gone from the world. How could I have let things get to where they had gotten? Why didn't I do x, y, or z?

I also thought about how differently I felt listening to it now. I feel strong, brave. I realized that I am worth so much more then what I was given, and the trials that I experienced because of the situation I allowed myself to be in.

Eventually, step by step, day by day, I worked through the toughest part of my life. So while I am experiencing this particular rough patch, I am going keep my head high. I am taking things one day at a time.

When I start to feel like things are too much, I take a deep breath and I take a break. I meditate, or hold one of my crystals. I cry even. Not in a 'there's no way out' way. But in a 'I need to let this stress out so that I can do what I need to do' way.

Every trial I have faced, and obstacle that has come my way, I have been able to overcome. Every day that I have refused to bow down to what I know I DON'T want to be, and I've gotten a little bit stronger every time because of that.

I've become strong enough to accept that I experience anxiety and depression in a potentially life damaging way. I'm not hiding from it any more. Facing them means that yes, they are out in the open, so I am noticing them much more then I did before. But I had to face them to work on them, to figure out MY way.

Not everyday is going to be shining and wonderful, some days are going to be dreary and gloomy and those days might be right next to each other. But everyday that I work through, and every day that I do not surrender is a reason to be proud of my progress.

I believe that should be the same for everyone. When you're experiencing hardships, when life throws you a curve ball, don't feel like you have to tackle the whole thing in one foul swoop. Don't sweep it all under the rug or push it down and ignore it.

Take it one day at a time, deal with one piece at a time. Give yourself a grace period for figuring things out, be patient with yourself while you sort through everything. Don't feel like there is a time limit on healing, but don't forget to be proactive!

While there are resources and people out there who can help, we have to be responsible for the positive changes we want to see in ourselves.

When I did the Full Moon Ritual two weeks ago, Athena said something that really struck me and I have not been able to forget it since.

Let Go and Let Come.

It's such a beautiful sentiment. Let go of all the things that hold you back, that make you sad, that simply do not serve your highest good. Let come all of the joy, the potential and the happiness that is out there waiting for you to grasp it!

We can do this!

I'll admit that when I went to upload this photo I laughed a little bit because I noticed that there is a double rainbow hiding in there! I took this photo a few years ago when I was living in Portland and I just saw that for the first time today. How perfect is that?

You can find this picture and others on my Instagram. Copywrite.Thealynn13.2014

Sidebar: Please say tuned for the new Oracle Card of the week on Sunday! Also stay tuned for the Solstice post that should be up on Sunday as well! It'll be chalk full of history, recipes and the ritual I plan to do Sunday night!

Blessings to you on your journey, never forget that you are strong enough to live this life. And you have the ability to make it into anything that you want it to be. All of that potential is inside of you.
You are not alone.

Sending you all shining light and love,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn

Behind Door Number One

Hey there lovies,

This post is going to be a little bit different than those you've seen in the past-whether I posted them last year, or within the last week. Prior to this point in my life, I don't think I would have considered sharing something like this about myself in this format. It's barely something I like sharing at all, in fact I hide it so well that I some times forget how much it can affect me.

So why am I sharing?

There are a couple of reasons, a big chuck of it has to do with the mantra I gave myself during the first post I made on this blog in over a year.

"My last year living in fear."

A significant part of doing that is being honest with myself. By being open and honest, it takes away the opportunity to be ashamed. It brings the situation into the light, so I can see it for what it really is instead of letting it be the big scary monster in the dark that I think it is.

Another reason actually has to do with you-my readers. I want anyone who visits this blog to see me as the person that I am, not just a personality that I present in a specific writing style.

Now, by no means am I saying that blogging, writing, making videos in that way is wrong, or insincere, or anything of that nature. I am simply saying that for me personally, my voice comes from being as I am. I know this because I tried it other ways, and I didn't have as much success in what I was working on.

When I started this particular blog, the idea was for it to a place where it was safe to be who and what you are when you don't have anywhere else. And I think that is why I quit after only three, maybe four months. Granted there were A LOT of personal changes happening that made blogging not an ideal pass time. As I said before, I was also trying to define my path, and work out my beliefs in an almost technical way, which again, just did not work for me.

This time around, I am here to share and be open, and be proud of who and what I am. I do not have all of the answers, I don't even have all of MY answers. Life is a journey, and I am at my happiest, and learn the most when I just LIVE. When I take it one day at a time, and allow myself the freedom to take chances, make mistakes, and not apologize for my life.

Which brings me to what I wanted to share.

I realize up until now, in the maybe dozen posts on this blog, I have focused very heavily on my spiritual path. Which is the main point of this blog, but I see real value in sharing other aspects of my life as well.

In my post titled When One Door Closes, I talked about being called to work on my shadow self. Everyone probably has a slightly different definition of what that means, so I'll clarify what that means for me.

Working on my shadow self means that I am looking inward to the things that I might not necessarily like about myself. They are the habits, or tendencies, or personality traits that might be very much a part of who I am (especially the latter)-they are the things that do not help serve me to my highest good.

I had a raging call from one of them this last week or so. Being a full time student is not an easy thing, particularly for someone who has never been a full time student without it being legally mandatory. It can be very stressful in a number of ways.

Not only was I transitioning into a completely new schedule, I also had to transition the way I dealt with money. I was no longer earning a respectable lower middle class wage, I was given a figure close to what I made in a six weeks, and I had to make it last three months! Very much a new learning experience for me, literally!

So along with the stress of school and finances, I began this shadow work. I began digging up all of this junk that I thought I had dealt with already, well, it turns out that I am like a squirrel. I bury it, forget about it, and then after an undetermined amount of time later-surprise!

While all of these things individually are good things, it took more of a toll then I had anticipated. So many things were being brought into the light, and being released (which takes time in and of itself) and I had all of this studying to do, but I was so excited about what was happening in my spiritual life, and I was starting my blog again, but I wasn't really sleeping or eating, and I had my finals right around the corner, and another month before next term, and would I still qualify for financial aid....

I broke for about a day and a half.

I was juggling with so many thoughts, and ideas, and emotions that in the process I sent myself into a panic attack.

One of the truths about me is that I have anxiety and clinical depression. I do not say that "I suffer from" because I sincerely believe that I don't. Every now and again I have episodes where it's like I have a brain chemical flu, some stints last longer then others. Both of these conditions run on both sides of my family, along with a few others, but we'll save that for another time.

Just to be clear, I understand how devastating these conditions can be. Not only have I witnessed them in others, but I have experienced them myself. The way that I described the situation above is not a standard that I hold anyone else to, not even myself. I have noticed that for me personally, that's usually how it goes.

So, why am I sharing again?

I want to share as much of a full rounded picture of who I am with you. I want to be better at reminding myself that I'm human too. I'm not sure if it's just me, or if it's a Capricorn thing (just kidding!) but I tend to forget.

While I will joke about being a total hippie (and I do see myself as such) it's not all there is to me. I whole heartily believe that working with the ebb and flow of nature can be helpful-because all other forms of life live that way.

I have found that meditation, and working with crystals help me. I've heard it also works for other people, and I like to surround myself with those people because we share similar perspectives. Something I think we all do. That's not to say that I don't associate with people who do not share my beliefs (another post all by itself.)

But I don't expect for my spirituality to 'fix' or heal everything that might be 'wrong' with me. When I have a cold, I don't rely on a crystal to make my nose stop running. I'm going to stalk up on Puffs with lotion, Halls cough drops, tea and cold medicine.

Yesterday I turned off my phone because I didn't want to hear from anyone. I was wrought with this horrible sick feeling, moving in any capacity made me nauseous. I spent the day in total despair and worry. Around seven in the evening I ended up taking some medication and I started to feel more in touch with my grounded self.

I was able to calm down enough to sleep and to make it to my final this morning. Over the next few weeks I am going to set up time to talk to the school about what I can do for stress management, set up to see a counselor and make sure I do what I need to do to make sure I can stay in school.

Not to be redundant, but why are you sharing this?

Because it's scary being open about something so unpleasant about yourself. It's embarrassing because you know that's not who you really are or who you want to be. I'll go into more details about that in a different post.

By sharing in this way, not only am I openly accepting this about myself but I am affirming that this is something that doesn't have to take control. This is something I can work on, and find healthy ways of coping.

In truth I have no way of knowing how many people will see this post. But eventually someone will see it, and it may give them the courage to face something that they have felt ashamed of. I hope that it does.

I hope that whatever may be hiding inside, that you know in your heart of hearts that you are strong enough to face it, to conquer it, to share it with people who can help you, and that because of all of that, you can help someone else.

That's it for tonight dears, somehow it's gotten past midnight, and while I am done for the term, I am still coming down a bit from my trip down anxiety lane.

Just remember that no matter the darkness you find yourself in or surrounded by, there is a great light within you. All you need to do is hold onto it, and if you feel like you can't find it, don't be afraid to ask for help. The people who love us are exceptional at finding such things, even when we cannot.

May your dreams be filled with laughter and delight.

In light and love,
Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn