Hey there my dears,
It's been a fast few weeks since I wrote last, and so much has changed. I've thought about sitting down and writing more than once, but felt at a loss for words. In addition there has also been a series of events that all tied together, and I felt that it might be easier if I took the time to write about them all at once. It would also provide me with the opportunity to simply live what was taking place rather than trying to analyze and depict what I was thinking and feeling for every little piece, which I knew I would end up doing if I decided not to wait.
Over the last six months, give a few weeks, I have been essentially holding my breath. I've written more than once about how excruciating the waiting process has been and even though I am still waiting, at least I am waiting for something else now.
Back in September I got a call from the District Attorney informing me that the police report had been reviewed and that the next step in the process would be to present the case to a grand jury. So, on October 17th, I appeared before a grand jury to testify in my own case. These seven men and women who had never seen my face or known my name were given the task of deciding if my story had enough merit to continue on.
I remember calling my boyfriend full of panic and relief at the same time. This is what I had been waiting for, for months. I spent the next couple of hours calling my family to share the news, and gently tell them to go about their usual routines that day because I couldn't bare the thought of any additional pressure.
Once at the courthouse I met with the attorney representing me, she was very kind and explained to me what I could expect from the experience. The officer who had filed the report and taken my statement was also there to testify which gave me a greater sense of ease. The advocate from victim's assistance was also present, for which I was grateful as my supportive boyfriend would have at least the option of company.
My testimony was shorter than I thought it would be, and at one point I wondered if perhaps I should have been more specific with certain details, but when the officer exited the conference room in roughly the same amount of time, I felt the tension release by a small fraction.
It was then that the jury would deliberate and come to a decision. I recall sitting in a small waiting room holding onto my boyfriends hand and thinking that this was the moment of truth. I began to panic thinking that I should have given them more information, I should have given them details, I should have let myself be emotional rather than the almost eerie composure that I had somehow managed to conjure up.
As much as I panicked I also reassured myself that even if I personally hadn't convinced them, that there had to be something that the officer shared that would help them make the right decision. I had come so far in putting my life back together again, there was no way I was could fall of the wagon now.
I can't say for certain how long they deliberated, I just remember trying not to cry before I even knew the answer. And my sweet partner, never letting go of my hand as I fidgeted and sighed, was silent and strong for me while we waited.
When the door opened, and I was told their decision, I was so deep into my own mind that I didn't understand the first time the words were spoken. Shocked, I asked them to be repeated, and simply nodded at first.
The jury had sided with me, they were moving forward with the case, and the next step would be to arrest my attacker. I was told that such things can take some time for necessary paperwork, but that it would be within the next two weeks, and that I would be told when it was done. I was given a brief description that would come after, and that I would be informed every step of the way.
I thanked the advocate for their time and support and that I looked forward to hearing from them soon. I took a moment to shake hands with my attorney and with the officer and genuinely thanked them both before heading back to the elevator as I didn't trust my feet with stairs.
I didn't even wait for the doors to open before embracing my partner in relief, but it wasn't until we reached the car that the news really began to sink in. By this time we were both crying with relief and gratitude and hope.
Roughly ten days later I received a phone call from the same officer that he had just arrested my attacker, and that he was secured in prison. Another waved of relief and this time it hit me harder. It was only after I received that phone call that any of it felt real, that I felt safe enough to really cry and to take in a deep breath.
More good news came just a few short days later when I learned of his arraignment and his bail. More reassurance that my attacker is going to stay exactly where he is, at least for now. As trial dates are set and negotiations begin, things can change and shift, but at least for the next couple of months, I can rest a little easier, breath a little deeper, and smile a little more freely.
By no means is this journey over, but so much was accomplished in just a few short weeks. It's hard for me not to be optimistic, or hopeful and I will admit that I am wary of becoming unrealistic, but after all that has happened, I think I deserve to celebrate these victories. I do deserve to rejoice in the righteousness and justice that have been delivered.
There is still waiting to be done and there is still a very real possibility that this is how far it will go. But it could have ended two weeks ago in that room with those seven strangers. For my own sake, I choose to believe that justice will continue to be served, I choose to believe that he will pay for his crimes, and I choose to embrace happiness and joy to the utmost of my ability.
Samhain is in a few short days, and with that comes the whirlwind of the holidays theoretically designated to help us focus on what we are blessed with.
I already know what I am grateful for this year, and as I continue to heal and to better my life, I will cherish those people who have believed in me and supported me through the worst circle of hell I have yet to experience.
September may have been the longest month of my life, but October has certainly been this year's saving grace.
Never forget that you are strong, and that you are worth every happiness my dears. Some times you just have to fight for them.
Brightest Blessings to you and yours,
Thealynn
©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Saturday, October 29, 2016
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Midnight Musings
Hey there dears,
I don't know about the rest of you, but this time of year always gets me into a reflective frame of mind. I don't know if it's because I feel the energy of my part of the world slowly shifting into a dark time, if it's the change in the weather or if it's on a deeper level with Samhain fast approaching.
Whatever the reason, I am pulled towards reviewing the paces of the last year and even further back. I feel the call of the shadows from so long ago and almost long to be back in those times and places with the people that have been left behind.
I have a sense of trepidation as I begin to consider how I might want to proceed into the year to come and how I might be able to begin preparing; which I think is a bit different than in prior years. Before there was a focus on attempting to tie as many loose ends as possible, to finish as much unfinished business that I might feel lighter when I rang in the New Year.
There is most certainly a sense on wanting to shed as much of the past as possible not because I wish to escape or because there are is something that needs to be outrun, but because when I look around I find myself asking: How long have I been carting this around with me? How many lifetimes have come and gone between myself and these times.
That's not to say that I am unsentimental, in fact sentimentalism is exactly why I still possess certain items that I otherwise would have discarded many times over. There are still several things that I hold onto because there is a sense of fondness when I lay eyes on them; more often than not the memories are bittersweet, but even so, it can be difficult to say good-bye.
I think it could be that if we don't hold onto physical mementos, is because if we don't have that physical thing, we're more likely to forget the memories attached to the item. That somehow we'll loose the part of ourselves that are connected to those places and people, even if the connection is a painful one.
So why hang on to them? Why make yourself relive the pain and the struggle to get to where you are now? I can say from my own perspective that perhaps the pain feels like a necessity to help you remember why you got out of that situation, why you left that place, why you no longer speak to that person.
Then I find myself asking, if the experience was so profound and was so defining, do you really need the reminder? Every item that is held onto for those purposes carries the energies from when those experiences took place. Why would you want a talisman that links you so directly with those horrible memories?
Obligation is really the only reason I can think of, but, obligation to who? All of those items, all of these things are potentially tied to people that may very well mean nothing to you now, but because they did at one point, you somehow owe them?
I don't think so.
That's not to say that we don't hold only things because of the good memories, isn't that where so much of our extra 'stuff' comes from? It can be difficult to know when or if to let something go. The main problem I find myself running into is, what if they ask about "it" or what if they come into my space and they don't see "it"?
Even though this is something I some times consider before making a decision, I always end up reminding myself that rarely if ever do I find myself within that situation. When am I ever going to be in a situation with said people where they will ever think to as about said stuff.
All signs point to: Never.
Once I started thinking about physical items as more than just mementos and as energy containers, there was some pieces that I genuinely couldn't wait to get rid of. That's not to say that I didn't struggle with bidding farewell with some.
I remember a few select gifts that I held onto because I had a deep emotional appreciation for the item(s) and not only that, because of the nature in which they had been given and received. But in the end it came back to the nature of the energy, despite the original nature of the gifts, because of the development of the associate I had with those items, the energy shifts and evolved to mirror the way I viewed them after 'x' amount of time.
I don't recall specifically when, but I remember thinking on all of these things and trying to figure out exactly where I landed on all of this when I found myself wondering:
"How much room is all of this energy from the past taking up? How much space could I create for all of the things I want to bring into my life, if I went ahead and said syonara to everything from my past that I don't see a place for in my future?"
As with all things, going through and deciding the best we to detach ourselves from our past ties takes deserved time and consideration. I remember being at my mother's house with my sister as we went through box after box and I agreed to keep certain items, and yet by the time my designated boxes made it into my space, there was very little I ended up keeping.
I still find myself with items that I'm not sure I want to hang on to, and at the same time, I don't have a good way of letting them go. So, for the time being I have decided that while they are in my space, they have respective bubbles. By in which their energy is contained and not permitted to 'leak' into my main space, at least until I can make a confident decision.
I will say however that I renew their bubbles on a fairly regular basis, I think it's only fair to send the contained energy back to Mama Earth and let Her transmute the energy for greater purposes as to not let the energy build up and either become stale or reinforced depending on the object.
All of this unexpected thought vomit aside, this was not originally what I set out to write about, but apparently it needed to be written. I do think it's interesting that some of these ramblings tend to come to me at night, usually when there are plans for the early morning.
Perhaps the next time I come to write, I will do so with the original thoughts that brought me to my slice of sacred space here in the interwebs.
Until next time loves,
Brightest Blessings
Thealynn
©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
I don't know about the rest of you, but this time of year always gets me into a reflective frame of mind. I don't know if it's because I feel the energy of my part of the world slowly shifting into a dark time, if it's the change in the weather or if it's on a deeper level with Samhain fast approaching.
Whatever the reason, I am pulled towards reviewing the paces of the last year and even further back. I feel the call of the shadows from so long ago and almost long to be back in those times and places with the people that have been left behind.
I have a sense of trepidation as I begin to consider how I might want to proceed into the year to come and how I might be able to begin preparing; which I think is a bit different than in prior years. Before there was a focus on attempting to tie as many loose ends as possible, to finish as much unfinished business that I might feel lighter when I rang in the New Year.
There is most certainly a sense on wanting to shed as much of the past as possible not because I wish to escape or because there are is something that needs to be outrun, but because when I look around I find myself asking: How long have I been carting this around with me? How many lifetimes have come and gone between myself and these times.
That's not to say that I am unsentimental, in fact sentimentalism is exactly why I still possess certain items that I otherwise would have discarded many times over. There are still several things that I hold onto because there is a sense of fondness when I lay eyes on them; more often than not the memories are bittersweet, but even so, it can be difficult to say good-bye.
I think it could be that if we don't hold onto physical mementos, is because if we don't have that physical thing, we're more likely to forget the memories attached to the item. That somehow we'll loose the part of ourselves that are connected to those places and people, even if the connection is a painful one.
So why hang on to them? Why make yourself relive the pain and the struggle to get to where you are now? I can say from my own perspective that perhaps the pain feels like a necessity to help you remember why you got out of that situation, why you left that place, why you no longer speak to that person.
Then I find myself asking, if the experience was so profound and was so defining, do you really need the reminder? Every item that is held onto for those purposes carries the energies from when those experiences took place. Why would you want a talisman that links you so directly with those horrible memories?
Obligation is really the only reason I can think of, but, obligation to who? All of those items, all of these things are potentially tied to people that may very well mean nothing to you now, but because they did at one point, you somehow owe them?
I don't think so.
That's not to say that we don't hold only things because of the good memories, isn't that where so much of our extra 'stuff' comes from? It can be difficult to know when or if to let something go. The main problem I find myself running into is, what if they ask about "it" or what if they come into my space and they don't see "it"?
Even though this is something I some times consider before making a decision, I always end up reminding myself that rarely if ever do I find myself within that situation. When am I ever going to be in a situation with said people where they will ever think to as about said stuff.
All signs point to: Never.
Once I started thinking about physical items as more than just mementos and as energy containers, there was some pieces that I genuinely couldn't wait to get rid of. That's not to say that I didn't struggle with bidding farewell with some.
I remember a few select gifts that I held onto because I had a deep emotional appreciation for the item(s) and not only that, because of the nature in which they had been given and received. But in the end it came back to the nature of the energy, despite the original nature of the gifts, because of the development of the associate I had with those items, the energy shifts and evolved to mirror the way I viewed them after 'x' amount of time.
I don't recall specifically when, but I remember thinking on all of these things and trying to figure out exactly where I landed on all of this when I found myself wondering:
"How much room is all of this energy from the past taking up? How much space could I create for all of the things I want to bring into my life, if I went ahead and said syonara to everything from my past that I don't see a place for in my future?"
As with all things, going through and deciding the best we to detach ourselves from our past ties takes deserved time and consideration. I remember being at my mother's house with my sister as we went through box after box and I agreed to keep certain items, and yet by the time my designated boxes made it into my space, there was very little I ended up keeping.
I still find myself with items that I'm not sure I want to hang on to, and at the same time, I don't have a good way of letting them go. So, for the time being I have decided that while they are in my space, they have respective bubbles. By in which their energy is contained and not permitted to 'leak' into my main space, at least until I can make a confident decision.
I will say however that I renew their bubbles on a fairly regular basis, I think it's only fair to send the contained energy back to Mama Earth and let Her transmute the energy for greater purposes as to not let the energy build up and either become stale or reinforced depending on the object.
All of this unexpected thought vomit aside, this was not originally what I set out to write about, but apparently it needed to be written. I do think it's interesting that some of these ramblings tend to come to me at night, usually when there are plans for the early morning.
Perhaps the next time I come to write, I will do so with the original thoughts that brought me to my slice of sacred space here in the interwebs.
Until next time loves,
Brightest Blessings
Thealynn
©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
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