Hey loves,
It's been a minute since we've chatted like this, and it should be no surprise what I'll be sharing.
With everything going on in the cosmos right now; multiple planets in retrograde, the full moon and lunar eclipse we just had, the solar eclipse and new moon coming up, it really feels like the whole Universe is getting shaken up and rearranged and fiddled with - including us.
We've passed the half-way mark of our calendar year, and as summer is reaching it's height, I can't help but stop and take a good look around. My life has changed dramatically in so many areas, at times I think I might have to pinch myself just to make sure I'm not dreaming all of it.
It was only a few short months ago that I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that I had sent my attacker, my rapist to jail. It took time to get to a point where I wasn't constantly reminding myself that my battle was over and whats more, that I had won.
Being in the mental and emotional place that I am now, it really feels like world away. I even caught myself thinking about it all the other day at work and it felt strange and random, and then it occurred to me just how long it had been since the subject crossed my mind.
So imagine my surprise when it occurred to me one day that, I not only did not hate this person, but that I recognized forgiveness instead. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't completely convinced that forgiveness was actually what I felt. I sat with myself for a time and really tried to tune in to what in the world I was feeling.
I poked and I prodded, I let myself revisit the toughest moments I experienced in my healing journey, and what I saw looking back was sheer determination, a strong force of will, and the desire to leave that pain in a place where it could be safely observed without risk of falling into the pit.
I sat there with my sage burning, holding a crystal or two and asking the Universe if it was really all over. Was I really done with all of it? Did I now possess the ability to see it as an event of the past, a time in my life that could have gone so many ways, but one that I chose to navigate with justice and the gift of taking the time I needed to heal?
Truth be told I didn't truly recognize myself in that moment. The woman I saw was someone that I had hoped I would find for so many years but one that I was never really sure I would actually be able to step into.
Somewhere along the way, she told the young girl who was lost, confused, and hurt, filled with betrayal and uncertainty to relax and take a step back. She, I was here now, and I was going to take care of her, she didn't have to worry any more.
When you become a survivor of sexual assault, you are never the same person again. For me, it really became an opportunity to find my voice, and what's more is it became an opportunity to use my voice.
I made my way through the worst thing one person can do to another, and rather than allowing anger and hate to rule me, I let those feelings have their time. I gave them space to be and to breathe and once they were done, I simply let them go. Without conscious thought, I somehow allowed them to slip away and to be replaced by knowing that my life is going to be and is amazing.
His blatant act of destructive selfishness can't hurt me any more, as there is so much distance between the one he took advantage of and the one who stands alive today.
I realize that this might sound fluffy, and too easy, and too soon and anything else that indicates that I am not or should not have made the progress that I have.
Call it what you will, but I have known from the start that reaching this state of forgiveness for my rapist was one that I was going to come to. When my life came crashing down five years ago, the last thing I wanted to do was to forgive the people responsible, but I did. It took considerable time and growth, but I achieved it.
I will openly admit that I did not even consider forgiveness until after my court case had been settled, and even then, I din't feel like I was ready to take on what felt like such a huge thing. So left it alone, I didn't actively try to work towards it, because if I had learned anything about forgiving those that hurt you, it's that sometimes forgiveness just needs to come on its own.
Forgiving my rapist might seem like a crazy thing to do, but from where I'm standing, it's the best thing I could have done for myself with everything else said and done. It was my way of closing that chapter of my story, and it has allowed me to start with a bright, fresh, clean slate where anything and everything is possible.
Because if I'm able to forgive the guy who raped me, I can do anything.
*If you or someone you know has been abused or sexually assaulted, don't be afraid, you're not alone. You can find free resources by following this link: Tools and Resources: Healing from Sexual Assault.
If what I talked about today resonates with you and you would like to get to know me more or if you are looking for a community with other like-minded individuals, come and join us on Facebook in our virtual temple space, Shakti's Circle.
As troubling as the world may seem, know that you are so vitally important in bringing positive change, you are so loved.
Holding space for you dear one,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Showing posts with label Letting Go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Letting Go. Show all posts
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
As We Grow
Hey there loves,
Over this last year I have talked a lot about the struggles I have faced, my doubts and my insecurities and how helpless everything has felt at times. I have shared some of my darkest moments with strangers whom I might never meet, I have been vulnerable through an empty screen not because it's easier to do than to be with so with people, but because this blog really has turned into a giant mirror for me.
Writing has provided this incredible opportunity to take a long hard look and to face the emotions and thoughts that might not have a voice otherwise. I'll be the first to admit that for a long time I struggled with what I should be writing about because I just had trouble finding the words.
I would start off well enough and then something would happen, ranging from up setting to traumatic, and simply taking the time to process it through before coming back always felt necessary. Looking back through my postings it seems that there are far fewer instances where I have shared something on the lighter side of my life because in truth, writing has always been a tool in which to process my experiences and I think it's fair to say that our more difficult experiences are those that require that time and that energy to get through them.
Because when we experience something positive, we live it with ease, perhaps even excitement. I think others would agree that when we have a positive experience that it flows through us, we don't always stop to think how it's going to affect us moving forward; unlike when we experience something painful.
This past week I had my last session with the individual I had been seeing not only for my mental health, but for my spiritual health as well. For the better part of a year I had been seeing this healer speaking to them on topics ranging all over my life, and by the end of our session it was apparent to both of us that I was in possibly the best shape I have ever been in.
They recalled our first session and how emotional it was for the both of us. I remember sitting in that chair across from them just as I was then, and feeling so safe despite having not developed a relationship with them at that point. I remembered crying so openly and feeling the love and support and an unspeakable trust that this was the person that was going to help me find myself again.
I was filled with this strange combination of feeling that I was ready to essentially go on without them, and yet not wanting to be finished. I had been able to make so much progress with their support and guidance that I was almost hesitant to trust that inner knowing that told me I was ready.
It took some time to sink in that I was in fact ready to take that next step forward. I had spent so much of this last year working towards very specific goals and now that those goals have been reached, there was an opportunity for the question, 'now what?'
But there wasn't. Instead I was able to embrace the gratitude I felt in my heart for this amazing person who showed me how best to help myself, and how to truly listen when Spirit spoke to me. My last session with them was the first in over a month due to a much needed sabbatical they were called to. During that time I was given the chance to take everything that they had taught me and really run with it, and it led me to finding new avenues to pursue. It also provided me with an opportunity to really show myself how ready I am for this next step.
Normally about this time is when fear and anxiety would kick in, and I would begin to think how much of a mistake it was to agree to end the sessions. Or I would be worried and confused about what exactly 'the next step' is supposed to be.
Rather than that being the case, I feel at peace, I feel ready and excited to take that next step even though I know that it's going to be a short while before I begin the next leg of my journey. In an attempt not be to impatient, I'm allowing myself the time to process how much I've accomplished, and give myself a chance to take a deep breath and rest peacefully in my triumphs.
For the first time in what seems like so long, I feel a sense of genuine peace, not because I think I'm healed and can put the past behind me. But because I trust the tools I have been given and because I trust that I know how to use them. I know my path and I trust that I am being guided to those who will help me along the way.
It's a remarkable feeling, I hope that this feeling will only grow stronger, just as I grow stronger.
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Over this last year I have talked a lot about the struggles I have faced, my doubts and my insecurities and how helpless everything has felt at times. I have shared some of my darkest moments with strangers whom I might never meet, I have been vulnerable through an empty screen not because it's easier to do than to be with so with people, but because this blog really has turned into a giant mirror for me.
Writing has provided this incredible opportunity to take a long hard look and to face the emotions and thoughts that might not have a voice otherwise. I'll be the first to admit that for a long time I struggled with what I should be writing about because I just had trouble finding the words.
I would start off well enough and then something would happen, ranging from up setting to traumatic, and simply taking the time to process it through before coming back always felt necessary. Looking back through my postings it seems that there are far fewer instances where I have shared something on the lighter side of my life because in truth, writing has always been a tool in which to process my experiences and I think it's fair to say that our more difficult experiences are those that require that time and that energy to get through them.
Because when we experience something positive, we live it with ease, perhaps even excitement. I think others would agree that when we have a positive experience that it flows through us, we don't always stop to think how it's going to affect us moving forward; unlike when we experience something painful.
This past week I had my last session with the individual I had been seeing not only for my mental health, but for my spiritual health as well. For the better part of a year I had been seeing this healer speaking to them on topics ranging all over my life, and by the end of our session it was apparent to both of us that I was in possibly the best shape I have ever been in.
They recalled our first session and how emotional it was for the both of us. I remember sitting in that chair across from them just as I was then, and feeling so safe despite having not developed a relationship with them at that point. I remembered crying so openly and feeling the love and support and an unspeakable trust that this was the person that was going to help me find myself again.
I was filled with this strange combination of feeling that I was ready to essentially go on without them, and yet not wanting to be finished. I had been able to make so much progress with their support and guidance that I was almost hesitant to trust that inner knowing that told me I was ready.
It took some time to sink in that I was in fact ready to take that next step forward. I had spent so much of this last year working towards very specific goals and now that those goals have been reached, there was an opportunity for the question, 'now what?'
But there wasn't. Instead I was able to embrace the gratitude I felt in my heart for this amazing person who showed me how best to help myself, and how to truly listen when Spirit spoke to me. My last session with them was the first in over a month due to a much needed sabbatical they were called to. During that time I was given the chance to take everything that they had taught me and really run with it, and it led me to finding new avenues to pursue. It also provided me with an opportunity to really show myself how ready I am for this next step.
Normally about this time is when fear and anxiety would kick in, and I would begin to think how much of a mistake it was to agree to end the sessions. Or I would be worried and confused about what exactly 'the next step' is supposed to be.
Rather than that being the case, I feel at peace, I feel ready and excited to take that next step even though I know that it's going to be a short while before I begin the next leg of my journey. In an attempt not be to impatient, I'm allowing myself the time to process how much I've accomplished, and give myself a chance to take a deep breath and rest peacefully in my triumphs.
For the first time in what seems like so long, I feel a sense of genuine peace, not because I think I'm healed and can put the past behind me. But because I trust the tools I have been given and because I trust that I know how to use them. I know my path and I trust that I am being guided to those who will help me along the way.
It's a remarkable feeling, I hope that this feeling will only grow stronger, just as I grow stronger.
 |
| image from Poem Porn |
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Moonlight at the End of the Tunnel
Hey there loves,
How is the Full Moon in Leo treating you all? Are you feeling the affects of the eclipse? Were you able to see the comet from your part of the world?
I don't know how the rest of you feel, but this year in particular the month of February feels rather...precarious. Perhaps because at least in my world, so many things have been shifting and moving around. Two major things have been settled within the first half of this month for me; the first being the move which you can read about in my Post Move Update, and the other which is still sinking in.
Before I jump in, I wanted to touch on something that I have noticed in my life, perhaps you have noticed in yours as well. Perhaps you're familiar with the saying, things happen in threes, I've even written a blog post with that exact title.
Over the last nine months I have written several times about my experience with sexual assault, my frustrations, my fears, the hope that I dared to carry as it was something I simply needed to hold onto.
The day before I was set to move, I was in my now old bedroom, finishing up the last of my packing when my phone began to ring. Looking at the caller ID, I knew it had to be one of two people, so I answered it. It was my attorney calling to get my input on what I would be satisfied with as far as a plea deal was concerned and confirming whether or not I had received my subpoena for the following week as we were set to go to trial.
Even now I am grateful that I was sitting down as this was the first I had heard since October. I had been told during that time that I could expect to hear sometime between January and February, but I certainly did not expect it to be right before my move. Rather than go over too many specifics over the phone, we set a meeting to discuss a potential plea deal and to prep for trial in the event that the deal was denied.
It was a long weekend as we waited to hear if the deal would be accepted, and while I wanted to much to be aligned with what would serve my highest good, I prayed to any and all that would listen, to grant me the grace of not going to trial. The thought of reliving the events of that night in excruciating detail would be difficult enough, but to do so in court in front of strangers and further more, causing my partner to relive the pain again made my stomach feel as though it were trying to reach the center of the Earth.
I got the call that Monday morning, the deal had been accepted. I was then asked if I wanted to attend the sentence hearing, and after giving it some thought, I decided to go. I had no desire to see my attacker again, but I knew that hearing and seeing him sentenced would provide a level of closure that I didn't think would be possible.
Sitting in the courtroom I was filled with nerves as we waited for him to be brought in, even remembering it down I can feel the nausea, the lightheaded tingling, my breath laboring as I still couldn't quite believe that I had finally made it to this moment.
Hearing him answer the judge's questions, his voice was strong and resolved, it was hard to tell what he was thinking. I knew he was still in denial about the damage that he had caused, but that didn't matter at this point.
Prior to the proceedings I was told that if I so wished, that I would be given the chance to make a statement, I couldn't begin to think of what I could possibly say that would be constructive, that would be meaningful. Truth be told, there was absolutely nothing that I wanted to say that I also felt needed to be said.
I was being granted justice, the one thing I've wanted more than anything else these last nine months. Sure, I suppose I could have said that while he has forever changed my life, that his will forever be ruined. That just because I agreed to a 'lesser charge' of Sexual Assault II versus Rape I that it doesn't change the meaning of what happened to me that night. That regardless of what his record says or what he chooses to call himself, he is a rapist, and that will never change. Just as I will never not be a rape survivor ever again.
All of those sentiments would have fallen on deaf ears, and the truth is that I didn't want to him to have anything else from me as he had already taken so much.
It's difficult not to become emotional as I think of it all, as I look back at how much pain has been endured, not just by me, but also from the friends and family that watched and supported me as I struggled through to find the person that I was before all of this happened.
During last night's ritual, our ritual host and leader Athena, touched on the story of Isis and Osiris, how when Osiris was murdered by his brother, Isis traveled around the globe searching for the pieces of his being to put him back together, and how the act of re-membering him was the greatest act of love.
Last night we worked with deities from the Hindu tradition that I hadn't known about prior, Rati and Kamadeva; Goddess of Passion and God of Lust. She spoke of how they have a similar story, in that when Kamadeva was murdered, she traveled all around to collect his ashes so that she could re-member him.
Going into the meditative state, I knew could already feel how important being vulnerable and open to healing would be, I could also feel how the urge to resist was lying in wait, like an automatic reflex ready to pull me back.
During the meditation we were lead to a beautiful white marble temple and asked to lay on a bed/mattress in the middle of the room, with Rati and Kamadeva joining us on either side. Sensing my hesitation and my uneasiness, they created an energetic egg around us, and held me the way two parents would hold their frightened child.
I told them how much I knew I needed the healing, how I could almost see the pain slowly becoming a safety blanket and how I knew it wasn't what I wanted, but at the same time, it just happened all the same. They shared with me how the best way to dissolve such things lies in forgiveness. How forgiving the source of the pain is the best way to release it, and how they could see that I held that knowledge within me already. They asked me to please forgive my rapist, how it would be the last step in this process, and then it would simply be living a conscious life, something I was already doing.
I looked inside myself, despite knowing the answer. I saw the girl I was nine months ago, desperately holding into a ball of energy that was so many things all at once; denial, anger, unbelievable pain, sorrow, self-loathing, guilt.
I told them how I just didn't know how to forgive him right now, that I knew I should and that I wanted to want to, but that I couldn't bring myself to truly want to forgive him yet.
They each took on of my hands and showed me other men in my life who had caused me unspeakable pain:
My biological father; his abandonment, his drug and alcohol abuse, his literal denial of my identity. Yet I had forgiven him, and that through his actions I was introduced to a father who loves me unconditionally despite some difficult times.
My ex-fiance; his complete and utter mistreatment of me throughout the course of our relationship, his betrayal when he cheated on me with someone I considered to be a best friend, his swift resolve to move on and marry someone new less then two years after our engagement ended. Yet, I had forgiven him. Rather then considering our years together as wasted time, it provided me a clear picture of what I wanted from a relationship, from a partner.
Then there was my rapist. Yes, he was by far the worst in that he violated my being in every way that a person can be violated. And yet, from all of this I have gained so much, I have learned so much, and I will live a life far more fulfilling then I would have previously thought possible. I made it through the most difficult, painful, and trying event of my life, and here I was. And here I am.
We were beginning to be called back, I embraced each in turn and thanked them from the bottom of my heart for their love, their guidance and their healing. My journey to justice is complete, resolved. I sent my rapist to jail. I am in a beautiful new home with a man that I love and adore, two animals who make me laugh every day, and I am able to wake up every morning and be grateful for all of the miracles and blessings that have been gifted to me.
I realize and fully accept that forgiveness is something that I will come to in my own time and is something that I know will serve me, but I also know that some times when we resolve to forgive people who have hurt us, it can feel like we are 'giving them a pass' for what happened to us. It can feel like we are sweeping it under the rug, it can feel like we are saying that those events didn't happen, that what we endured doesn't matter.
What forgiveness really means, is that in spite of the pain and struggle, that we are more important then the person who hurt us. That our happiness, our love for ourselves, and our desire to move on is more important then staying in those spaces where it hurts. That's not to say that we are always ready to immediately move on from the hurt, because nothing heals over night. I'm not ready to fully move on from the pain and suffering that I feel. Some days I feel it more then others, and when I have those days, it's just as important to acknowledge and honor the pain for what it is.
For me personally, forgiveness means that I am not willing to live in the past. It means that I care more about my future then I do about what happened to me trying to get to where I want to go. By forgiving those who have hurt me, it means that I am choosing to become stronger rather then let those experiences weaken me.
Having these views and these beliefs doesn't always make things easier, in fact, most of the time it makes things more difficult, but it makes every experience infinitely worth more.
Whatever you might being going through, however you might be struggling, please know that you are never alone. As impossible as it may feel, you are strong enough to get through the struggles that you're facing.
The resources that I am sharing below, I have shared once before, but if this is your first time with me, I want to be sure that you see these. Use them yourself, share them with your friends and family, or perhaps you don't know who they will help, you never know who will benefit from them. I know that they have certainly helped me.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-TALK
Here is the link to the private chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 or 1-800-656-HOPE
Here is the link to the private chat: https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp
https://www.rainn.org/
RAINN is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. They are bursting with information, and one of the main resources I used, including their confidential chat which I utilized while I decided on a therapist.
https://www.notalone.gov/resources/
Not Alone was also incredibly helpful because it provided me with a list of crisis centers as well as a hot line that is confidential and 24/7
http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_national_type.php?type_id=1056
WomensLaw is a great site for information about different organizations, statics, and additional resources to get you the help that you need.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Lifeline is always a resource to be aware of regardless of what crisis you might be facing, there is someone who is willing to be there for you.
How is the Full Moon in Leo treating you all? Are you feeling the affects of the eclipse? Were you able to see the comet from your part of the world?
 |
| Image from http://siriusastro.pl/ |
I don't know how the rest of you feel, but this year in particular the month of February feels rather...precarious. Perhaps because at least in my world, so many things have been shifting and moving around. Two major things have been settled within the first half of this month for me; the first being the move which you can read about in my Post Move Update, and the other which is still sinking in.
Before I jump in, I wanted to touch on something that I have noticed in my life, perhaps you have noticed in yours as well. Perhaps you're familiar with the saying, things happen in threes, I've even written a blog post with that exact title.
Over the last nine months I have written several times about my experience with sexual assault, my frustrations, my fears, the hope that I dared to carry as it was something I simply needed to hold onto.
The day before I was set to move, I was in my now old bedroom, finishing up the last of my packing when my phone began to ring. Looking at the caller ID, I knew it had to be one of two people, so I answered it. It was my attorney calling to get my input on what I would be satisfied with as far as a plea deal was concerned and confirming whether or not I had received my subpoena for the following week as we were set to go to trial.
Even now I am grateful that I was sitting down as this was the first I had heard since October. I had been told during that time that I could expect to hear sometime between January and February, but I certainly did not expect it to be right before my move. Rather than go over too many specifics over the phone, we set a meeting to discuss a potential plea deal and to prep for trial in the event that the deal was denied.
It was a long weekend as we waited to hear if the deal would be accepted, and while I wanted to much to be aligned with what would serve my highest good, I prayed to any and all that would listen, to grant me the grace of not going to trial. The thought of reliving the events of that night in excruciating detail would be difficult enough, but to do so in court in front of strangers and further more, causing my partner to relive the pain again made my stomach feel as though it were trying to reach the center of the Earth.
I got the call that Monday morning, the deal had been accepted. I was then asked if I wanted to attend the sentence hearing, and after giving it some thought, I decided to go. I had no desire to see my attacker again, but I knew that hearing and seeing him sentenced would provide a level of closure that I didn't think would be possible.
Sitting in the courtroom I was filled with nerves as we waited for him to be brought in, even remembering it down I can feel the nausea, the lightheaded tingling, my breath laboring as I still couldn't quite believe that I had finally made it to this moment.
Hearing him answer the judge's questions, his voice was strong and resolved, it was hard to tell what he was thinking. I knew he was still in denial about the damage that he had caused, but that didn't matter at this point.
Prior to the proceedings I was told that if I so wished, that I would be given the chance to make a statement, I couldn't begin to think of what I could possibly say that would be constructive, that would be meaningful. Truth be told, there was absolutely nothing that I wanted to say that I also felt needed to be said.
I was being granted justice, the one thing I've wanted more than anything else these last nine months. Sure, I suppose I could have said that while he has forever changed my life, that his will forever be ruined. That just because I agreed to a 'lesser charge' of Sexual Assault II versus Rape I that it doesn't change the meaning of what happened to me that night. That regardless of what his record says or what he chooses to call himself, he is a rapist, and that will never change. Just as I will never not be a rape survivor ever again.
All of those sentiments would have fallen on deaf ears, and the truth is that I didn't want to him to have anything else from me as he had already taken so much.
It's difficult not to become emotional as I think of it all, as I look back at how much pain has been endured, not just by me, but also from the friends and family that watched and supported me as I struggled through to find the person that I was before all of this happened.
During last night's ritual, our ritual host and leader Athena, touched on the story of Isis and Osiris, how when Osiris was murdered by his brother, Isis traveled around the globe searching for the pieces of his being to put him back together, and how the act of re-membering him was the greatest act of love.
Last night we worked with deities from the Hindu tradition that I hadn't known about prior, Rati and Kamadeva; Goddess of Passion and God of Lust. She spoke of how they have a similar story, in that when Kamadeva was murdered, she traveled all around to collect his ashes so that she could re-member him.
Going into the meditative state, I knew could already feel how important being vulnerable and open to healing would be, I could also feel how the urge to resist was lying in wait, like an automatic reflex ready to pull me back.
During the meditation we were lead to a beautiful white marble temple and asked to lay on a bed/mattress in the middle of the room, with Rati and Kamadeva joining us on either side. Sensing my hesitation and my uneasiness, they created an energetic egg around us, and held me the way two parents would hold their frightened child.
I told them how much I knew I needed the healing, how I could almost see the pain slowly becoming a safety blanket and how I knew it wasn't what I wanted, but at the same time, it just happened all the same. They shared with me how the best way to dissolve such things lies in forgiveness. How forgiving the source of the pain is the best way to release it, and how they could see that I held that knowledge within me already. They asked me to please forgive my rapist, how it would be the last step in this process, and then it would simply be living a conscious life, something I was already doing.
I looked inside myself, despite knowing the answer. I saw the girl I was nine months ago, desperately holding into a ball of energy that was so many things all at once; denial, anger, unbelievable pain, sorrow, self-loathing, guilt.
I told them how I just didn't know how to forgive him right now, that I knew I should and that I wanted to want to, but that I couldn't bring myself to truly want to forgive him yet.
They each took on of my hands and showed me other men in my life who had caused me unspeakable pain:
My biological father; his abandonment, his drug and alcohol abuse, his literal denial of my identity. Yet I had forgiven him, and that through his actions I was introduced to a father who loves me unconditionally despite some difficult times.
My ex-fiance; his complete and utter mistreatment of me throughout the course of our relationship, his betrayal when he cheated on me with someone I considered to be a best friend, his swift resolve to move on and marry someone new less then two years after our engagement ended. Yet, I had forgiven him. Rather then considering our years together as wasted time, it provided me a clear picture of what I wanted from a relationship, from a partner.
Then there was my rapist. Yes, he was by far the worst in that he violated my being in every way that a person can be violated. And yet, from all of this I have gained so much, I have learned so much, and I will live a life far more fulfilling then I would have previously thought possible. I made it through the most difficult, painful, and trying event of my life, and here I was. And here I am.
We were beginning to be called back, I embraced each in turn and thanked them from the bottom of my heart for their love, their guidance and their healing. My journey to justice is complete, resolved. I sent my rapist to jail. I am in a beautiful new home with a man that I love and adore, two animals who make me laugh every day, and I am able to wake up every morning and be grateful for all of the miracles and blessings that have been gifted to me.
I realize and fully accept that forgiveness is something that I will come to in my own time and is something that I know will serve me, but I also know that some times when we resolve to forgive people who have hurt us, it can feel like we are 'giving them a pass' for what happened to us. It can feel like we are sweeping it under the rug, it can feel like we are saying that those events didn't happen, that what we endured doesn't matter.
What forgiveness really means, is that in spite of the pain and struggle, that we are more important then the person who hurt us. That our happiness, our love for ourselves, and our desire to move on is more important then staying in those spaces where it hurts. That's not to say that we are always ready to immediately move on from the hurt, because nothing heals over night. I'm not ready to fully move on from the pain and suffering that I feel. Some days I feel it more then others, and when I have those days, it's just as important to acknowledge and honor the pain for what it is.
For me personally, forgiveness means that I am not willing to live in the past. It means that I care more about my future then I do about what happened to me trying to get to where I want to go. By forgiving those who have hurt me, it means that I am choosing to become stronger rather then let those experiences weaken me.
Having these views and these beliefs doesn't always make things easier, in fact, most of the time it makes things more difficult, but it makes every experience infinitely worth more.
Whatever you might being going through, however you might be struggling, please know that you are never alone. As impossible as it may feel, you are strong enough to get through the struggles that you're facing.
The resources that I am sharing below, I have shared once before, but if this is your first time with me, I want to be sure that you see these. Use them yourself, share them with your friends and family, or perhaps you don't know who they will help, you never know who will benefit from them. I know that they have certainly helped me.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-TALK
Here is the link to the private chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 or 1-800-656-HOPE
Here is the link to the private chat: https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp
https://www.rainn.org/
RAINN is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. They are bursting with information, and one of the main resources I used, including their confidential chat which I utilized while I decided on a therapist.
https://www.notalone.gov/resources/
Not Alone was also incredibly helpful because it provided me with a list of crisis centers as well as a hot line that is confidential and 24/7
http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_national_type.php?type_id=1056
WomensLaw is a great site for information about different organizations, statics, and additional resources to get you the help that you need.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Lifeline is always a resource to be aware of regardless of what crisis you might be facing, there is someone who is willing to be there for you.
Love and Healing to you now and always dear ones,
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
Removing Skeletons from the Closet
Hey there loves,
As I have mentioned in the last couple of postings, I am preparing to move, and a part of that is going through and deciding what is coming with me into this next chapter of my life. One of the projects I've had for myself over several months now, was to go through a storage tote which contained binders, and notebooks, and journals, and letters from as far back as 2003.....
When I started the project last night, I decided to burn some essential oil, and as luck would have it, I pulled out my Kali oil, and as I lit the candle I asked that she be present with me as I decided what to keep and what to let go after so many years of being carted around.
One could easily deduce that the tote was freaking heavy and I simply did not wish to move it one more time. Which is true, but it isn't the whole truth.
I knew that some of the energy in those entries was going to be heavy, and that if I allowed myself to read too far into any given journal, that I would essentially be transported back to that time and feel precisely what I had written about. While I am sure that for some that would be a valuable experience, for me, I just knew that some pages were better off not being disturbed.
When I started the project last night, I decided to burn some essential oil, and as luck would have it, I pulled out my Kali oil, and as I lit the candle I asked that she be present with me as I decided what to keep and what to let go after so many years of being carted around.
As the first oil died I wasn't half way through, so I went to put more into the defuser, I ended up pulling out the Sacral Chakra essential oil instead. I felt as though it was no coincidence so I went with it.
There were journals from my earlier years which contained so much despair and hopelessness, pages upon pages of repeating the same goal of the utmost desire to let go of the feelings I carried for the boy I lost my virginity to at 16.
As I made my way through the last of the binders in which so many things were preserved in plastic protective sheets, one page caught my eye as I recognized the penmanship immediately. It was a poem that my ex-fiance had written for me so many life times ago. Here I thought that I had disposed of any and everything from him, yet here was this single sheet from a legal pad that had managed to go unnoticed until now. Needless to say it went into the recycle pile without hesitation.
After all of the struggles and trials that I have endured over the last four years, last year in particular, I want as much of a clean slate as possible. There are a couple of things that I will be keeping of course, but I already feel so much more prepared for this move by taking the time to release so much that I didn't even fully realize I was carrying.
I would be lying if I said that so much of what I kept was mostly on a sentimental level, I thought that somewhere down the line I would want those mementos and to remind me of where I had been and how far I have come; but the truth is that all I have to do is look into the mirror to remember. All I have to do is close my eyes and allow the pictures to come together to be back in those places.
But when it comes down to it, most of those memories are better left alone. It's unnecessary for me to travel so far back to times of feeling wrong, incomplete, unwanted and so unsure of myself. Those years and experiences helped to mold me and will always be a part of who I am. But they do not need a physical representation in my current world.
They are tiny pieces of lives in worlds that no longer exist, and while I continue to hold onto them, the less space I have within myself for the future possibilities, the future world I have worked so hard to get to, a place that I believed in so desperately that if I could manage to get there, that everything I had endured would be worth it.
I realize that not everyone equates energy and energetic imprints with their belongings, but I do, at an extent. I knew months ago how important it was to do this project, but it isn't until roughly a week before starting a new chapter in my life is when it is accomplish. I don't see that as a coincidence, like so many other things I see this as the Universe exercising Divine Timing.
I would be lying if I said that so much of what I kept was mostly on a sentimental level, I thought that somewhere down the line I would want those mementos and to remind me of where I had been and how far I have come; but the truth is that all I have to do is look into the mirror to remember. All I have to do is close my eyes and allow the pictures to come together to be back in those places.
But when it comes down to it, most of those memories are better left alone. It's unnecessary for me to travel so far back to times of feeling wrong, incomplete, unwanted and so unsure of myself. Those years and experiences helped to mold me and will always be a part of who I am. But they do not need a physical representation in my current world.
They are tiny pieces of lives in worlds that no longer exist, and while I continue to hold onto them, the less space I have within myself for the future possibilities, the future world I have worked so hard to get to, a place that I believed in so desperately that if I could manage to get there, that everything I had endured would be worth it.
I realize that not everyone equates energy and energetic imprints with their belongings, but I do, at an extent. I knew months ago how important it was to do this project, but it isn't until roughly a week before starting a new chapter in my life is when it is accomplish. I don't see that as a coincidence, like so many other things I see this as the Universe exercising Divine Timing.
As my night drew to a close I began thinking about how close I am to this move, and how much/little needs to be done.
I started thinking about the new space I'll be in, and how this is the first time that I am choosing to move in with a partner because it's simply the next 'natural' step in our relationship, versus it being a matter of happenstance, and how ready I am for this step.
I started thinking about how much love and adoration I have for this individual and how, despite how different the financials might differ from my current situation, that I haven't worried or obsessed over how we are going to make it work, because I simply know that we will.
Never before in my life have I felt such trust in the Universe, never before have I felt such trust in my partner, but most importantly, never before have I felt so much trust, in myself.
In the past when I had shared bits and pieces of some of the major life events that I've experienced, I would shrug my shoulders or shaken my head when people told me how strong I was for moving past such a 'thing.'
I never felt like I was completely through the experience, or that the 'surviving' that I was passing off for living was really worth any admiration, because, well, what the hell else was I going to do?
It's only now that I am able and ready to recognize and honor the warrior I have been, and continue to be. To thank others when they acknowledge my triumphs, because yes, it has been hell getting here. To thank them again when they congratulate me on my accomplishments, because I am no longer to acknowledge how much work has gone into not just my person, but into my journey.
I don't know if I will have time to write again before my move, but I will prepare a tarot card reading for February and have that up and ready before the first.
In the past when I had shared bits and pieces of some of the major life events that I've experienced, I would shrug my shoulders or shaken my head when people told me how strong I was for moving past such a 'thing.'
I never felt like I was completely through the experience, or that the 'surviving' that I was passing off for living was really worth any admiration, because, well, what the hell else was I going to do?
It's only now that I am able and ready to recognize and honor the warrior I have been, and continue to be. To thank others when they acknowledge my triumphs, because yes, it has been hell getting here. To thank them again when they congratulate me on my accomplishments, because I am no longer to acknowledge how much work has gone into not just my person, but into my journey.
I don't know if I will have time to write again before my move, but I will prepare a tarot card reading for February and have that up and ready before the first.
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Midnight Musings
Hey there dears,
I don't know about the rest of you, but this time of year always gets me into a reflective frame of mind. I don't know if it's because I feel the energy of my part of the world slowly shifting into a dark time, if it's the change in the weather or if it's on a deeper level with Samhain fast approaching.
Whatever the reason, I am pulled towards reviewing the paces of the last year and even further back. I feel the call of the shadows from so long ago and almost long to be back in those times and places with the people that have been left behind.
I have a sense of trepidation as I begin to consider how I might want to proceed into the year to come and how I might be able to begin preparing; which I think is a bit different than in prior years. Before there was a focus on attempting to tie as many loose ends as possible, to finish as much unfinished business that I might feel lighter when I rang in the New Year.
There is most certainly a sense on wanting to shed as much of the past as possible not because I wish to escape or because there are is something that needs to be outrun, but because when I look around I find myself asking: How long have I been carting this around with me? How many lifetimes have come and gone between myself and these times.
That's not to say that I am unsentimental, in fact sentimentalism is exactly why I still possess certain items that I otherwise would have discarded many times over. There are still several things that I hold onto because there is a sense of fondness when I lay eyes on them; more often than not the memories are bittersweet, but even so, it can be difficult to say good-bye.
I think it could be that if we don't hold onto physical mementos, is because if we don't have that physical thing, we're more likely to forget the memories attached to the item. That somehow we'll loose the part of ourselves that are connected to those places and people, even if the connection is a painful one.
So why hang on to them? Why make yourself relive the pain and the struggle to get to where you are now? I can say from my own perspective that perhaps the pain feels like a necessity to help you remember why you got out of that situation, why you left that place, why you no longer speak to that person.
Then I find myself asking, if the experience was so profound and was so defining, do you really need the reminder? Every item that is held onto for those purposes carries the energies from when those experiences took place. Why would you want a talisman that links you so directly with those horrible memories?
Obligation is really the only reason I can think of, but, obligation to who? All of those items, all of these things are potentially tied to people that may very well mean nothing to you now, but because they did at one point, you somehow owe them?
I don't think so.
That's not to say that we don't hold only things because of the good memories, isn't that where so much of our extra 'stuff' comes from? It can be difficult to know when or if to let something go. The main problem I find myself running into is, what if they ask about "it" or what if they come into my space and they don't see "it"?
Even though this is something I some times consider before making a decision, I always end up reminding myself that rarely if ever do I find myself within that situation. When am I ever going to be in a situation with said people where they will ever think to as about said stuff.
All signs point to: Never.
Once I started thinking about physical items as more than just mementos and as energy containers, there was some pieces that I genuinely couldn't wait to get rid of. That's not to say that I didn't struggle with bidding farewell with some.
I remember a few select gifts that I held onto because I had a deep emotional appreciation for the item(s) and not only that, because of the nature in which they had been given and received. But in the end it came back to the nature of the energy, despite the original nature of the gifts, because of the development of the associate I had with those items, the energy shifts and evolved to mirror the way I viewed them after 'x' amount of time.
I don't recall specifically when, but I remember thinking on all of these things and trying to figure out exactly where I landed on all of this when I found myself wondering:
"How much room is all of this energy from the past taking up? How much space could I create for all of the things I want to bring into my life, if I went ahead and said syonara to everything from my past that I don't see a place for in my future?"
As with all things, going through and deciding the best we to detach ourselves from our past ties takes deserved time and consideration. I remember being at my mother's house with my sister as we went through box after box and I agreed to keep certain items, and yet by the time my designated boxes made it into my space, there was very little I ended up keeping.
I still find myself with items that I'm not sure I want to hang on to, and at the same time, I don't have a good way of letting them go. So, for the time being I have decided that while they are in my space, they have respective bubbles. By in which their energy is contained and not permitted to 'leak' into my main space, at least until I can make a confident decision.
I will say however that I renew their bubbles on a fairly regular basis, I think it's only fair to send the contained energy back to Mama Earth and let Her transmute the energy for greater purposes as to not let the energy build up and either become stale or reinforced depending on the object.
All of this unexpected thought vomit aside, this was not originally what I set out to write about, but apparently it needed to be written. I do think it's interesting that some of these ramblings tend to come to me at night, usually when there are plans for the early morning.
Perhaps the next time I come to write, I will do so with the original thoughts that brought me to my slice of sacred space here in the interwebs.
Until next time loves,
Brightest Blessings
Thealynn
©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
I don't know about the rest of you, but this time of year always gets me into a reflective frame of mind. I don't know if it's because I feel the energy of my part of the world slowly shifting into a dark time, if it's the change in the weather or if it's on a deeper level with Samhain fast approaching.
Whatever the reason, I am pulled towards reviewing the paces of the last year and even further back. I feel the call of the shadows from so long ago and almost long to be back in those times and places with the people that have been left behind.
I have a sense of trepidation as I begin to consider how I might want to proceed into the year to come and how I might be able to begin preparing; which I think is a bit different than in prior years. Before there was a focus on attempting to tie as many loose ends as possible, to finish as much unfinished business that I might feel lighter when I rang in the New Year.
There is most certainly a sense on wanting to shed as much of the past as possible not because I wish to escape or because there are is something that needs to be outrun, but because when I look around I find myself asking: How long have I been carting this around with me? How many lifetimes have come and gone between myself and these times.
That's not to say that I am unsentimental, in fact sentimentalism is exactly why I still possess certain items that I otherwise would have discarded many times over. There are still several things that I hold onto because there is a sense of fondness when I lay eyes on them; more often than not the memories are bittersweet, but even so, it can be difficult to say good-bye.
I think it could be that if we don't hold onto physical mementos, is because if we don't have that physical thing, we're more likely to forget the memories attached to the item. That somehow we'll loose the part of ourselves that are connected to those places and people, even if the connection is a painful one.
So why hang on to them? Why make yourself relive the pain and the struggle to get to where you are now? I can say from my own perspective that perhaps the pain feels like a necessity to help you remember why you got out of that situation, why you left that place, why you no longer speak to that person.
Then I find myself asking, if the experience was so profound and was so defining, do you really need the reminder? Every item that is held onto for those purposes carries the energies from when those experiences took place. Why would you want a talisman that links you so directly with those horrible memories?
Obligation is really the only reason I can think of, but, obligation to who? All of those items, all of these things are potentially tied to people that may very well mean nothing to you now, but because they did at one point, you somehow owe them?
I don't think so.
That's not to say that we don't hold only things because of the good memories, isn't that where so much of our extra 'stuff' comes from? It can be difficult to know when or if to let something go. The main problem I find myself running into is, what if they ask about "it" or what if they come into my space and they don't see "it"?
Even though this is something I some times consider before making a decision, I always end up reminding myself that rarely if ever do I find myself within that situation. When am I ever going to be in a situation with said people where they will ever think to as about said stuff.
All signs point to: Never.
Once I started thinking about physical items as more than just mementos and as energy containers, there was some pieces that I genuinely couldn't wait to get rid of. That's not to say that I didn't struggle with bidding farewell with some.
I remember a few select gifts that I held onto because I had a deep emotional appreciation for the item(s) and not only that, because of the nature in which they had been given and received. But in the end it came back to the nature of the energy, despite the original nature of the gifts, because of the development of the associate I had with those items, the energy shifts and evolved to mirror the way I viewed them after 'x' amount of time.
I don't recall specifically when, but I remember thinking on all of these things and trying to figure out exactly where I landed on all of this when I found myself wondering:
"How much room is all of this energy from the past taking up? How much space could I create for all of the things I want to bring into my life, if I went ahead and said syonara to everything from my past that I don't see a place for in my future?"
As with all things, going through and deciding the best we to detach ourselves from our past ties takes deserved time and consideration. I remember being at my mother's house with my sister as we went through box after box and I agreed to keep certain items, and yet by the time my designated boxes made it into my space, there was very little I ended up keeping.
I still find myself with items that I'm not sure I want to hang on to, and at the same time, I don't have a good way of letting them go. So, for the time being I have decided that while they are in my space, they have respective bubbles. By in which their energy is contained and not permitted to 'leak' into my main space, at least until I can make a confident decision.
I will say however that I renew their bubbles on a fairly regular basis, I think it's only fair to send the contained energy back to Mama Earth and let Her transmute the energy for greater purposes as to not let the energy build up and either become stale or reinforced depending on the object.
All of this unexpected thought vomit aside, this was not originally what I set out to write about, but apparently it needed to be written. I do think it's interesting that some of these ramblings tend to come to me at night, usually when there are plans for the early morning.
Perhaps the next time I come to write, I will do so with the original thoughts that brought me to my slice of sacred space here in the interwebs.
Until next time loves,
Brightest Blessings
Thealynn
©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Samhain Crossroads
Hey there lovelies,
A couple of weeks back I shared my second book review, and was prepared and ready to sit down and write my article on Samhain just like I have for the last few holidays, and as you can see, I did not.
In the end I felt called to spend the day quietly with my boyfriend, reflecting and embracing the changes that have come my way, the difficulties of the earlier part of the year, and how I intended to spend the remainder of the calendar year.
At the beginning of this year I was excited and motivated, and determined that 2015 would be my year. It has definitely been on of the most difficult years of my short life, admittedly a lot of the struggles I faced were self made, and thus the majority of this year has been about taking responsibility and finding ways to regroup, amend, and move forward.
These are subjects that I have spoken of in the past, and I suspect that the journey is just beginning. Three and a half years ago my world collapsed and I was forced to start fresh. It was a necessary trial and I wouldn't necessarily say I'm grateful for the pain that was endured, but it did place me in a position to begin working through the negativity and way of life that kept me frozen; chained to those around me. I had built my life around people, and once they were gone I didn't remember what life was like before them.
This past year held a similar lesson. This past year has been a challenge to face certain truths about myself, and learning how I possess all the power I could ever need to live any kind of life I choose.
The struggles, the mistakes, the hiding away-they were all conscious decisions I made because I believed myself too weak to choose better for myself.
Maintaining this mentality that I have complete control over my life, that I choose everything about this life is not an easy task, and in fact it's painful some times-but it's always temporary.
I've made jokes in the past about faith being a crutch, about how if I had known how difficult it can be to believe this way, how I might have chosen differently.
But what I have come to realize it that the pain, the uncertainty, and the self doubt are really just growing pains.
Per tradition, I meditated on Samhain and traveled to ancient Greece to meet with Hecate, goddess of the Crossroads and Gate Keeper to the Underworld.
During this meeting she showed me the various crossroads of my life and how for the most part, I had chosen to walk blindly or simply not taken the time to consider my direction. She then took me to the current crossroad before me and left me with a single torch to light my way.
After some consideration I made my choice and walked along the path for some time before coming to what appeared to be a door. Sitting a few feet ahead of the door stood a black dog, a messenger from the goddess. I knelt down to eye level with the dog and reached out my hand but before I could touch it, the dog turned and and ran through the door just as a ghost might pass through a wall. I stood back up unsure of how to proceed. It was then that I felt something cold on my chest and looked down to find a simple skeleton key tied to a ribbon around my neck. Looking back to the door I took a step forward and another until I too passed through the door without so much as looking for a knob or handle.
On the other side of the door she stood, her helper by her side. She explained to me how I have always held the key to my hearts desires and simple had to decide to go after them, regardless of what might lie in front of me. She pointed behind me and when I followed her gaze, the door was gone as if it never was.
The door was a symbol for all of the road blocks we create for ourselves because we're afraid of what the other side might look like.
If you've been with me for any amount of time, then you know that fear is something that I have struggled with releasing for a long time.
I used to get really down on myself for being and doing all of the things that I knew stood in my way-for standing in my own way.
But I've been learning how to be proud, and to be grateful for the progress I've made, because I have made progress. I have not stopped growing, I have not stopped learning, and in that process, I have learned to be grateful. Truly grateful.
As we head into the dark time of the year, our ancestors would turn inward; not just physically but magically also. In the past few months I have been focusing on the phases of the moon, and how best to work with the energy of each phase.
I have done so much shadow work, so much release and now I think it is time for me to focus on healing and manifesting my gratitude. I will also spend this time examining how I wish to grow and what I would like to perhaps incorporate into my path.
I hope that Samhain was spent in good company, in the physical realm as well as spiritual. May the God and Goddess keep you and yours during this dark time of year until the Sun's great rebirth at Yule.
Sending you and yours light and love,
Thealynn
A couple of weeks back I shared my second book review, and was prepared and ready to sit down and write my article on Samhain just like I have for the last few holidays, and as you can see, I did not.
In the end I felt called to spend the day quietly with my boyfriend, reflecting and embracing the changes that have come my way, the difficulties of the earlier part of the year, and how I intended to spend the remainder of the calendar year.
At the beginning of this year I was excited and motivated, and determined that 2015 would be my year. It has definitely been on of the most difficult years of my short life, admittedly a lot of the struggles I faced were self made, and thus the majority of this year has been about taking responsibility and finding ways to regroup, amend, and move forward.
These are subjects that I have spoken of in the past, and I suspect that the journey is just beginning. Three and a half years ago my world collapsed and I was forced to start fresh. It was a necessary trial and I wouldn't necessarily say I'm grateful for the pain that was endured, but it did place me in a position to begin working through the negativity and way of life that kept me frozen; chained to those around me. I had built my life around people, and once they were gone I didn't remember what life was like before them.
This past year held a similar lesson. This past year has been a challenge to face certain truths about myself, and learning how I possess all the power I could ever need to live any kind of life I choose.
The struggles, the mistakes, the hiding away-they were all conscious decisions I made because I believed myself too weak to choose better for myself.
Maintaining this mentality that I have complete control over my life, that I choose everything about this life is not an easy task, and in fact it's painful some times-but it's always temporary.
I've made jokes in the past about faith being a crutch, about how if I had known how difficult it can be to believe this way, how I might have chosen differently.
But what I have come to realize it that the pain, the uncertainty, and the self doubt are really just growing pains.
Per tradition, I meditated on Samhain and traveled to ancient Greece to meet with Hecate, goddess of the Crossroads and Gate Keeper to the Underworld.
During this meeting she showed me the various crossroads of my life and how for the most part, I had chosen to walk blindly or simply not taken the time to consider my direction. She then took me to the current crossroad before me and left me with a single torch to light my way.
After some consideration I made my choice and walked along the path for some time before coming to what appeared to be a door. Sitting a few feet ahead of the door stood a black dog, a messenger from the goddess. I knelt down to eye level with the dog and reached out my hand but before I could touch it, the dog turned and and ran through the door just as a ghost might pass through a wall. I stood back up unsure of how to proceed. It was then that I felt something cold on my chest and looked down to find a simple skeleton key tied to a ribbon around my neck. Looking back to the door I took a step forward and another until I too passed through the door without so much as looking for a knob or handle.
On the other side of the door she stood, her helper by her side. She explained to me how I have always held the key to my hearts desires and simple had to decide to go after them, regardless of what might lie in front of me. She pointed behind me and when I followed her gaze, the door was gone as if it never was.
The door was a symbol for all of the road blocks we create for ourselves because we're afraid of what the other side might look like.
If you've been with me for any amount of time, then you know that fear is something that I have struggled with releasing for a long time.
I used to get really down on myself for being and doing all of the things that I knew stood in my way-for standing in my own way.
But I've been learning how to be proud, and to be grateful for the progress I've made, because I have made progress. I have not stopped growing, I have not stopped learning, and in that process, I have learned to be grateful. Truly grateful.
As we head into the dark time of the year, our ancestors would turn inward; not just physically but magically also. In the past few months I have been focusing on the phases of the moon, and how best to work with the energy of each phase.
I have done so much shadow work, so much release and now I think it is time for me to focus on healing and manifesting my gratitude. I will also spend this time examining how I wish to grow and what I would like to perhaps incorporate into my path.
I hope that Samhain was spent in good company, in the physical realm as well as spiritual. May the God and Goddess keep you and yours during this dark time of year until the Sun's great rebirth at Yule.
Sending you and yours light and love,
Thealynn
Thursday, June 25, 2015
A Truly Open Heart
Hey there lovies,
I've been incredibly fortunate to be a part of some truly amazing experiences these last few weeks. Quite frankly I never expected to have the privilege of being a participant in helping and connecting with and I would be so bold as to say, inspiring as many individuals as I have these last couple of months.
The opportunities that have been given to me since I have made this move have been numerous, but one that I never thought I would have is the opportunity to have full closure and to say goodbye to the first real love of my life.
This person has been everything to me; friend, confidant, lover, counselor, supporter and every nook and cranny that falls in between. They've also been responsible for causing a great deal of pain, disappointment, anger, frustration and confusion.
But to be honest, I can't imagine a first love being any different. I can't fathom that anyone else would hold such sway, who could so gently hold another's heart and be so careless with it in one stroke.
I've written before about my thoughts on love, and it's not terribly surprising that only a few short months later, finding myself with a different perspective on it. When I look back at myself the last time I wrote about love, I was trying to reconcile with the idea, I was trying to make myself believe that...love just is.
I don't think you choose when you love someone, I think to some extent it just happens on its own. Love is the greatest force I have ever encountered; it contains every positive and negative elements that is conceivable.
Because while it possesses all of the infinite wonder and possibility that we all look for and desire, but doing so, it leaves us open to all of the damage that can be caused because of it. It leaves us vulnerable to all of the disasters, but it also requires us to be open to the miracles that can take place.
This path that I am on, not only for myself but for the purpose I believe with all my heart that I am here to accomplish, has asked me to question everything about the way I used to do things, the perspectives I've held, the people I surround myself with.
I have been asked to be open, to be flexible, to be patient and understanding, to be brave and courageous, to trust. There have been times when my ego has held up its hands and said, "Whoa! Slow you're roll there, I'm only human. Mere mortal right here, let's not get carried away here."
All of those things are essential to any kind of growth, all of those things are necessary for success.
When I started this journey, which there have been several 'starting over points' I never expected to be asked to change myself as much as I find myself changing. It's a bit overwhelming some times.
I don't think you choose when you love someone, but I think you can choose when to stop loving someone. I fell in love with this person despite every effort not to, because I knew in my soul, in my heart of hearts that this was not it for me. Not this time.
I have loved this individual with my whole heart, soul, being and there is a part of me that sincerely wishes that things could be different. As difficult as it is though, I have to remind myself that I don't truly believe that I'm it for them either.
The two of us have spent so much time together, have shared so much and have grown so much together, as a couple, as friends. There's been a part of my heart that has held steadfast to them because I remember all too well what that was like, and how it made me feel.
But I'm slowly coming to the realization that, the best thing we can do for each other and for ourselves is to let that love go. It was beautiful, and special, and brought me a life that I never thought I was capable of having. I've been slow to accept that there is someone else who will love and cherish me, and fulfill me in every way, and I for them-in this direction that I am heading, this path and purpose for this life.
And I believe wholeheartedly that there is someone out there for them too, who can connect and care for them in ways that I simply cannot.
I will always treasure them, and I sincerely hope that they will always be a good friend of mine. But now is the time to say goodbye, and to release that love and set the intention for them that when the time is right, they find their soulmate.
I can feel my own approaching, which strangely, doesn't make this easier. But knowing that there is genuine happiness outside of this person does. Knowing that there is genuine happiness out there for them makes it easier to let go, to say goodbye to them so that I can say hello to myself and my future.
Love is quite the mystery...
I've been incredibly fortunate to be a part of some truly amazing experiences these last few weeks. Quite frankly I never expected to have the privilege of being a participant in helping and connecting with and I would be so bold as to say, inspiring as many individuals as I have these last couple of months.
The opportunities that have been given to me since I have made this move have been numerous, but one that I never thought I would have is the opportunity to have full closure and to say goodbye to the first real love of my life.
This person has been everything to me; friend, confidant, lover, counselor, supporter and every nook and cranny that falls in between. They've also been responsible for causing a great deal of pain, disappointment, anger, frustration and confusion.
But to be honest, I can't imagine a first love being any different. I can't fathom that anyone else would hold such sway, who could so gently hold another's heart and be so careless with it in one stroke.
I've written before about my thoughts on love, and it's not terribly surprising that only a few short months later, finding myself with a different perspective on it. When I look back at myself the last time I wrote about love, I was trying to reconcile with the idea, I was trying to make myself believe that...love just is.
I don't think you choose when you love someone, I think to some extent it just happens on its own. Love is the greatest force I have ever encountered; it contains every positive and negative elements that is conceivable.
Because while it possesses all of the infinite wonder and possibility that we all look for and desire, but doing so, it leaves us open to all of the damage that can be caused because of it. It leaves us vulnerable to all of the disasters, but it also requires us to be open to the miracles that can take place.
This path that I am on, not only for myself but for the purpose I believe with all my heart that I am here to accomplish, has asked me to question everything about the way I used to do things, the perspectives I've held, the people I surround myself with.
I have been asked to be open, to be flexible, to be patient and understanding, to be brave and courageous, to trust. There have been times when my ego has held up its hands and said, "Whoa! Slow you're roll there, I'm only human. Mere mortal right here, let's not get carried away here."
All of those things are essential to any kind of growth, all of those things are necessary for success.
When I started this journey, which there have been several 'starting over points' I never expected to be asked to change myself as much as I find myself changing. It's a bit overwhelming some times.
I don't think you choose when you love someone, but I think you can choose when to stop loving someone. I fell in love with this person despite every effort not to, because I knew in my soul, in my heart of hearts that this was not it for me. Not this time.
I have loved this individual with my whole heart, soul, being and there is a part of me that sincerely wishes that things could be different. As difficult as it is though, I have to remind myself that I don't truly believe that I'm it for them either.
The two of us have spent so much time together, have shared so much and have grown so much together, as a couple, as friends. There's been a part of my heart that has held steadfast to them because I remember all too well what that was like, and how it made me feel.
But I'm slowly coming to the realization that, the best thing we can do for each other and for ourselves is to let that love go. It was beautiful, and special, and brought me a life that I never thought I was capable of having. I've been slow to accept that there is someone else who will love and cherish me, and fulfill me in every way, and I for them-in this direction that I am heading, this path and purpose for this life.
And I believe wholeheartedly that there is someone out there for them too, who can connect and care for them in ways that I simply cannot.
I will always treasure them, and I sincerely hope that they will always be a good friend of mine. But now is the time to say goodbye, and to release that love and set the intention for them that when the time is right, they find their soulmate.
I can feel my own approaching, which strangely, doesn't make this easier. But knowing that there is genuine happiness outside of this person does. Knowing that there is genuine happiness out there for them makes it easier to let go, to say goodbye to them so that I can say hello to myself and my future.
Love is quite the mystery...
Monday, February 9, 2015
Not An Ending But A Beginning
Hello lovies,
Welcome to Part Ten and the Final Installment of my Open Heart Series.
I'm sure that I have mentioned at least once before how I wasn't entirely sure what I was expecting when I started this journey, where it would take me. I certainly did not expect it to grow into what is has become though I couldn't be happier with it.
Admittedly it's hard for me to know what to say here because well, I know that for me, the journey isn't over. It is something that I will continue possibly for the rest of my life, because once a heart is healed, what good is it if left unattended or locked away to prevent future damage? A closed heart is not a heart that can extend or receive love, and hasn't that been the whole point?
For the last several days I have been working on another writing project, that in time I am sure will make some sort of appearance here, but until that time I am keeping it a private matter.
Apart from that project the last time that I really wrote a piece for this blog was two weeks ago. I experienced a mini writing marathon where I wanted everything to be prepared to just publish on the correlating day and it has worked well, until now.
I became completely focused on the middle of this series, of this process that I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about the conclusion. When I originally started work on this series I anticipated using the experience of the latest full moon ritual to prepare me for this and in some ways it has.
The series itself did more for me in terms of healing, understanding, and opening up in more ways then I ever could have imagined.
Over the course of these past few weeks I have let go of so much hurt and resentment, I have learned how to open myself up in new ways, and I even connected with deity in a very profound way.
This journey may not be over, but I have the next step within my sight, which is truly a blessing in and of itself.
In light and love,
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
Welcome to Part Ten and the Final Installment of my Open Heart Series.
I'm sure that I have mentioned at least once before how I wasn't entirely sure what I was expecting when I started this journey, where it would take me. I certainly did not expect it to grow into what is has become though I couldn't be happier with it.
Admittedly it's hard for me to know what to say here because well, I know that for me, the journey isn't over. It is something that I will continue possibly for the rest of my life, because once a heart is healed, what good is it if left unattended or locked away to prevent future damage? A closed heart is not a heart that can extend or receive love, and hasn't that been the whole point?
For the last several days I have been working on another writing project, that in time I am sure will make some sort of appearance here, but until that time I am keeping it a private matter.
Apart from that project the last time that I really wrote a piece for this blog was two weeks ago. I experienced a mini writing marathon where I wanted everything to be prepared to just publish on the correlating day and it has worked well, until now.
I became completely focused on the middle of this series, of this process that I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about the conclusion. When I originally started work on this series I anticipated using the experience of the latest full moon ritual to prepare me for this and in some ways it has.
The series itself did more for me in terms of healing, understanding, and opening up in more ways then I ever could have imagined.
Over the course of these past few weeks I have let go of so much hurt and resentment, I have learned how to open myself up in new ways, and I even connected with deity in a very profound way.
This journey may not be over, but I have the next step within my sight, which is truly a blessing in and of itself.
In light and love,
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
Friday, February 6, 2015
Behind Door Number Three
Hey there lovies,
Welcome to Part Nine of my Open Heart Series!
If you have not read the previous parts of this series I would encourage you to follow the links below so that you can get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journeys of how, why, and how to!
Previous Series Postings
OHNMR
OHNMRT
Behind Door Number Two
Why Answer the Why
When Guides Come Knocking
Grounding and Bubble Meditiations
Whisperings of a Ghost
Connecting with Your Guides
So without further ado!
There have been so many things that have transpired since I began this journey of my Open Heart series. I thought that reuniting with my father after twenty years would be the high light, but it turns out, the Universe had more in store for me.
Don't worry, I'll explain.
I am participating in sessions with a well versed spiritual teacher, along with many others, and during our most recent lesson a goddess' name was spoken and it sounded as if the name itself was ringing. Now, from time to time I will have random ringing or a high pitched note go off in my ears for varying amounts of time, and at first I thought that's what it was. As my teacher talked about part of our spiritual work and about the goddess herself, I felt myself slowly filling up and then slowly being surrounded by this energy.
I felt warm, empowered, creative and sexy. That last part really threw me for a loop, because there have been very few times that I have felt that way. Which I never really considered a bad thing, but when I was thinking about it a bit more and it made me...sad.
While I very much embrace the fact that I am an Earth sign, and am very much rooted in a physical world, I've never had much appreciated my own physical form. I've never considered myself particularly attractive, or fit, or even desirable.
There have been several years when I have told myself that I would get in shape, and I would change my eating habits and that I wanted to take better care of myself physically, I haven't done it. Not for extended periods of time anyway.
I never really gave thought as to why it never stuck, or why I was never able to commit to it, and to be honest, the only thing that comes to mind is I am afraid of changing. Which sounds so silly when I put it that way, because there really are NO downsides to any of those goals. My ego comes into play though and reminds me of how gross I'll get working out, and how I'll be sore, and what about that asthma I've never been professionally diagnosed with?
While I have never been a particularly thin person, it's only been in the last five years that I've become overweight. Not dangerously so, but enough that any body issues I may have had before were magnified.
I was on the heavier side of the average for my age and height, and while I felt like my thighs were mountains, I was fine with the rest of my body. I certainly didn't love my body, but I didn't hate it either. Overall I just wasn't very excited about my whole self.
I've never liked too much physical activity because I felt like it only highlighted what I considered to be what I was physically lacking or I felt like I just was not good at whatever I was trying to do. I preferred to be stationary and write or read-not that that much has changed to be honest.
Last summer for one of my college classes I took ballroom dance, and I LOVED it. It's true that I was sore some days, and that we all certainly got sweaty due to lack of air conditioning in that part of the gym, but I had an absolute blast.
Before that class I always said how much I didn't think I could dance. And sure, it took a few classes to get the hang of things, but I was constantly being complimented on my technique when I was just flowing through the steps. It was something that just came naturally to me.
I was surprised because when I started high school I went through a major stint of depression where I completely disconnected from every aspect of life, and even though I got out of it, I never really felt connected on a physical level other than extreme pain.
As I slowly but surely began gaining weight, it affected not only my health, but my relationship. As much as my ex thought he was encouraging me, all he did was make me feel horrible about myself which only caused the cycle to continue. The ways that he enjoy exercising just did not appeal to me, which frustrated him, frustrated me, and only added to the problem.
When I was dancing, as much as I loved it, there was always a small part of me that was self-conscious about the way my body was moving, and how it looked while it was moving. There were moments when I was completely caught up in the dance and didn't care about it at all because I was connecting with a part of my soul that I didn't know existed.
When I have thought about getting in shape, and getting healthy, there has always been a block for me to do it, and as I have been writing this, I am now realizing that there are a couple of reasons.
1. I've been afraid of failing. I'm afraid of the looks I'll get from people while I am working out, I'm afraid of their judgement.
2. I've been afraid of what will happen if I loose the weight, but can't keep it off. It's easier just to maintain where I already am.
3. I've been afraid of not being able to loose the weight. If 'regular exercise' and a healthy diet don't do it, what will it take?
4. I've been afraid of not being attractive once I'm in better shape. It's been easy to justify not having someone in my life because of my weight. If I'm in good physical shape and I'm still not attractive, what does that say about me?
Seeing them listed in front of me is eye opening but it's also heartbreaking. While I feel somewhat relieved to have finally broken this thing down, I also feel a sense of shame because I realize how shallow these reasons are, especially the last.
I know that logically whoever I am with will love me and want to be with me because of who I am on the inside, and while I truly do believe that, it's hard to remember while I feel so negatively about myself on the outside.
While I consider myself a spiritual soul, I am also a very physical being. And I honestly believe that getting in touch with my body, and being brave and motivated to finally take those steps will only help to serve my highest good and my purpose.
In the honor of that, I am going to be implementing yoga and belly dancing into my daily routines. I'm doing to be doing some research on how best to get started, and I am hoping that I can start practicing the basics at home.
Welcome to Part Nine of my Open Heart Series!
If you have not read the previous parts of this series I would encourage you to follow the links below so that you can get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journeys of how, why, and how to!
Previous Series Postings
OHNMR
OHNMRT
Behind Door Number Two
Why Answer the Why
When Guides Come Knocking
Grounding and Bubble Meditiations
Whisperings of a Ghost
Connecting with Your Guides
So without further ado!
There have been so many things that have transpired since I began this journey of my Open Heart series. I thought that reuniting with my father after twenty years would be the high light, but it turns out, the Universe had more in store for me.
Don't worry, I'll explain.
I am participating in sessions with a well versed spiritual teacher, along with many others, and during our most recent lesson a goddess' name was spoken and it sounded as if the name itself was ringing. Now, from time to time I will have random ringing or a high pitched note go off in my ears for varying amounts of time, and at first I thought that's what it was. As my teacher talked about part of our spiritual work and about the goddess herself, I felt myself slowly filling up and then slowly being surrounded by this energy.
I felt warm, empowered, creative and sexy. That last part really threw me for a loop, because there have been very few times that I have felt that way. Which I never really considered a bad thing, but when I was thinking about it a bit more and it made me...sad.
While I very much embrace the fact that I am an Earth sign, and am very much rooted in a physical world, I've never had much appreciated my own physical form. I've never considered myself particularly attractive, or fit, or even desirable.
There have been several years when I have told myself that I would get in shape, and I would change my eating habits and that I wanted to take better care of myself physically, I haven't done it. Not for extended periods of time anyway.
I never really gave thought as to why it never stuck, or why I was never able to commit to it, and to be honest, the only thing that comes to mind is I am afraid of changing. Which sounds so silly when I put it that way, because there really are NO downsides to any of those goals. My ego comes into play though and reminds me of how gross I'll get working out, and how I'll be sore, and what about that asthma I've never been professionally diagnosed with?
While I have never been a particularly thin person, it's only been in the last five years that I've become overweight. Not dangerously so, but enough that any body issues I may have had before were magnified.
I was on the heavier side of the average for my age and height, and while I felt like my thighs were mountains, I was fine with the rest of my body. I certainly didn't love my body, but I didn't hate it either. Overall I just wasn't very excited about my whole self.
I've never liked too much physical activity because I felt like it only highlighted what I considered to be what I was physically lacking or I felt like I just was not good at whatever I was trying to do. I preferred to be stationary and write or read-not that that much has changed to be honest.
Last summer for one of my college classes I took ballroom dance, and I LOVED it. It's true that I was sore some days, and that we all certainly got sweaty due to lack of air conditioning in that part of the gym, but I had an absolute blast.
Before that class I always said how much I didn't think I could dance. And sure, it took a few classes to get the hang of things, but I was constantly being complimented on my technique when I was just flowing through the steps. It was something that just came naturally to me.
I was surprised because when I started high school I went through a major stint of depression where I completely disconnected from every aspect of life, and even though I got out of it, I never really felt connected on a physical level other than extreme pain.
As I slowly but surely began gaining weight, it affected not only my health, but my relationship. As much as my ex thought he was encouraging me, all he did was make me feel horrible about myself which only caused the cycle to continue. The ways that he enjoy exercising just did not appeal to me, which frustrated him, frustrated me, and only added to the problem.
When I was dancing, as much as I loved it, there was always a small part of me that was self-conscious about the way my body was moving, and how it looked while it was moving. There were moments when I was completely caught up in the dance and didn't care about it at all because I was connecting with a part of my soul that I didn't know existed.
When I have thought about getting in shape, and getting healthy, there has always been a block for me to do it, and as I have been writing this, I am now realizing that there are a couple of reasons.
1. I've been afraid of failing. I'm afraid of the looks I'll get from people while I am working out, I'm afraid of their judgement.
2. I've been afraid of what will happen if I loose the weight, but can't keep it off. It's easier just to maintain where I already am.
3. I've been afraid of not being able to loose the weight. If 'regular exercise' and a healthy diet don't do it, what will it take?
4. I've been afraid of not being attractive once I'm in better shape. It's been easy to justify not having someone in my life because of my weight. If I'm in good physical shape and I'm still not attractive, what does that say about me?
Seeing them listed in front of me is eye opening but it's also heartbreaking. While I feel somewhat relieved to have finally broken this thing down, I also feel a sense of shame because I realize how shallow these reasons are, especially the last.
I know that logically whoever I am with will love me and want to be with me because of who I am on the inside, and while I truly do believe that, it's hard to remember while I feel so negatively about myself on the outside.
While I consider myself a spiritual soul, I am also a very physical being. And I honestly believe that getting in touch with my body, and being brave and motivated to finally take those steps will only help to serve my highest good and my purpose.
In the honor of that, I am going to be implementing yoga and belly dancing into my daily routines. I'm doing to be doing some research on how best to get started, and I am hoping that I can start practicing the basics at home.
This was possibly one of the last deities I ever expected to come to me, let alone in such a profound way. Even though it has been almost two weeks since the initial interaction and I have continued to feel her presence and her energy. She has also popped up in several places since that time, only reinforcing her place in my life and in my spiritual work.
I had intended to use this posting to introduce her, and to share how I will be working with her, but I think this is what needed to be done in preparation of that. I'm so grateful for this journey, because it has taken me places I never thought I would go, or needed to go.
It's been almost two months since I started this journey again Through the Secret Door, and this series that started off with just a few simply posts has gown into the first tree I see planted in the garden of this sacred space.
I've taken my first step to surrendering to my purpose, and though I do not know what or how many steps lay before me, I know that will continue through with humility, free of fear, and knowing I have such an amazing goddess beside me, I feel as though I am ready to ride this wave to it's fullest extent.
Sending you light and love,
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
I had intended to use this posting to introduce her, and to share how I will be working with her, but I think this is what needed to be done in preparation of that. I'm so grateful for this journey, because it has taken me places I never thought I would go, or needed to go.
It's been almost two months since I started this journey again Through the Secret Door, and this series that started off with just a few simply posts has gown into the first tree I see planted in the garden of this sacred space.
I've taken my first step to surrendering to my purpose, and though I do not know what or how many steps lay before me, I know that will continue through with humility, free of fear, and knowing I have such an amazing goddess beside me, I feel as though I am ready to ride this wave to it's fullest extent.
Sending you light and love,
Thealynn
 |
| You can purchase this print from The Lovely Little Witch Etsy Shop. |
©2013-2015 Thealynn
Friday, January 30, 2015
Whisperings of a Ghost
Good morning lovies,
Welcome to Part Seven of my Open Heart Series!
If you have not read the previous parts of this series I would encourage you to follow the links below so that you can get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journeys of how, why, and how to!
Following pieces of this series will include ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.
Previous Series Postings
OHNMR
OHNMRT
Behind Door Number Two
Why Answer the Why
When Guides Come Knocking
Grounding and Bubble Meditations
So without further ado!
This is very much an unexpected addition to my Open Heart series, but I believe it may be one of the most significant.
For those who are unaware, we are currently experiencing what we call Mercury Retrograde. This is a period of a few weeks in which Mercury appears to travel backwards on its axis. This is mostly observed by the pagan community as something to be weary of because it causes disruptions in communication, technology, seems to slow down the progress of projects and overall it can just feel like an unpleasant time.
However there are some positives that can come along with Mercury Retrograde that I discussed on my Facebook Page, so if you're curious follow the link. One thing that I will mention is that Mercury Retrograde can some times bring in people from your past wanting to reconnect.
Without spending too much time on details, suffice it to say that there is one side of the family that I have not had consistent contact with for the last 20 years. Some interaction here and there, but nothing terribly serious.
I’m guessing that between opening myself and my heart to the Universe for my highest good and Mercury being in retrograde is what helped the stars to align causing me to get a fairly abrupt message from one of my biological father’s sisters, being my aunt. She has said before how much she has wanted to get together over the last several months, but nothing has ever come of it.
After some seemingly convoluted conversations which really did turn out to be misunderstands, we had lunch last week. What started out as my aunt, uncle and myself turned into two of my other aunts from that same side joining us.
It was the first time in almost three years since I had seen any of them, and even longer since we had spent real time together. Over the course of lunch they asked me if I was interested in seeing my biological father whom I have not seen or spoken to in 20 years. Minus one painful denial of my existence at the mall when I was 15.
I thought for a moment and realized that I really have nothing to lose by doing so. That I have an amazing opportunity to help clear up some understandably made assumptions, to help provide healing and understanding, and forgiveness in the hopes that others will be able to start forgiving themselves.
I realize all too well how much I do not owe anyone anything, and I almost surprised myself at how much the thought didn’t enter my mind until way after I had made my decision.
I’ve been called to change my perspective, and to not miss the forest for the trees.
Even though my father was not around when I was growing up, even though he did some down right criminal acts, he really did the best thing for me by allowing me to be adopted by another man whom I love as my father and staying out of my life. I was able to become the person I am because he let me go. In that one simple yet heart breaking act, he put his children, including me first. And I love him for that.
As I was thinking about whether or not I wanted to share this right away or to wait, I heard a frog croaking outside. I'd been house sitting for almost a week, and this was the first time I have heard a frog, and not just during this visit, but EVER as I am a frequent visitor.
I heard it only a handful of times, but I felt instantly called to pull out the copy of Animal Speak by Ted Andrews and look up frog medicine. It almost brought tears to my eyes. I won't go into that much here as I really could write an entire blog post on frog medicine and the connection that I have to it.
This is was the confirmation from the Universe that I am going to play a crucial role in helping to heal my father’s heart. I know full well and accept that the real healing will have to come from him, and that it will have to be his choice. But I will be the doorway for him, I will be the one to help him understand and put pieces together. I will be able to answer questions that he has never had the answers to.
I realize that it might sound like a burden, or some form of family obligation. But I see it as an immense privilege, as an incredible opportunity. I don’t feel as though I am walking into a situation that I am unprepared for, or am somehow fulfilling a family duty.
I am approaching this as a daughter to her father, expressing gratitude and forgiveness that is long overdue. Even though I believed this to be a closed door, and I felt like I had as much closure as I was going to get, I feel that this is the chance I never thought I would have,
As I said before, I do have a loving father in my life, and I know that I would not be the person that I am without him. But I see something so beautiful in at least attempting to heal this relationship. Not that I believe in putting all of the blame for my 'heart troubles' but I do see the loss of my father as the first heart break of my life.
I was a small child when everything happened but I still carry memories and scars from the events leading up to, during and after the divorce. These are scars that are so old and buried so deep that most times I forget that they are there. And I would argue that they do not affect my daily life.
But in those short hours that I spent with my aunts I learned more about my father then I ever knew before. There are a few things that we share, and it's already answered some questions I didn't know that I had.
I had a friend ask me why I was doing this, and I did not want to go into the spiritual reasons behind my decision, so I thought about it for quite some time. And it only occurred to me as I was writing this how much I owe this to myself. I've denied myself this chance in the past, but I knew then and I reaffirm now that I wasn't ready before, but I know that I am now.
I can't say that I expect us to be a happy family again, I can't say that I expect anything really. I think if I were to do so it would ruin the integrity of the event. I might not be that little girl in sundresses any more, but I am still his child, and that is how I am going into our phone call this afternoon.
Even if this ends up not going anywhere, if one of both of us decide that it's not working, at least we can say that we tried, which is more then I've ever had before.
As I wait hour the hours I am not focusing so much on what we will talk about, I only set the intention that it will be what we both need.
Sending you light and love,
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
Welcome to Part Seven of my Open Heart Series!
If you have not read the previous parts of this series I would encourage you to follow the links below so that you can get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journeys of how, why, and how to!
Following pieces of this series will include ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.
Previous Series Postings
OHNMR
OHNMRT
Behind Door Number Two
Why Answer the Why
When Guides Come Knocking
Grounding and Bubble Meditations
So without further ado!
This is very much an unexpected addition to my Open Heart series, but I believe it may be one of the most significant.
For those who are unaware, we are currently experiencing what we call Mercury Retrograde. This is a period of a few weeks in which Mercury appears to travel backwards on its axis. This is mostly observed by the pagan community as something to be weary of because it causes disruptions in communication, technology, seems to slow down the progress of projects and overall it can just feel like an unpleasant time.
However there are some positives that can come along with Mercury Retrograde that I discussed on my Facebook Page, so if you're curious follow the link. One thing that I will mention is that Mercury Retrograde can some times bring in people from your past wanting to reconnect.
Without spending too much time on details, suffice it to say that there is one side of the family that I have not had consistent contact with for the last 20 years. Some interaction here and there, but nothing terribly serious.
I’m guessing that between opening myself and my heart to the Universe for my highest good and Mercury being in retrograde is what helped the stars to align causing me to get a fairly abrupt message from one of my biological father’s sisters, being my aunt. She has said before how much she has wanted to get together over the last several months, but nothing has ever come of it.
After some seemingly convoluted conversations which really did turn out to be misunderstands, we had lunch last week. What started out as my aunt, uncle and myself turned into two of my other aunts from that same side joining us.
It was the first time in almost three years since I had seen any of them, and even longer since we had spent real time together. Over the course of lunch they asked me if I was interested in seeing my biological father whom I have not seen or spoken to in 20 years. Minus one painful denial of my existence at the mall when I was 15.
I thought for a moment and realized that I really have nothing to lose by doing so. That I have an amazing opportunity to help clear up some understandably made assumptions, to help provide healing and understanding, and forgiveness in the hopes that others will be able to start forgiving themselves.
I realize all too well how much I do not owe anyone anything, and I almost surprised myself at how much the thought didn’t enter my mind until way after I had made my decision.
I’ve been called to change my perspective, and to not miss the forest for the trees.
Even though my father was not around when I was growing up, even though he did some down right criminal acts, he really did the best thing for me by allowing me to be adopted by another man whom I love as my father and staying out of my life. I was able to become the person I am because he let me go. In that one simple yet heart breaking act, he put his children, including me first. And I love him for that.
As I was thinking about whether or not I wanted to share this right away or to wait, I heard a frog croaking outside. I'd been house sitting for almost a week, and this was the first time I have heard a frog, and not just during this visit, but EVER as I am a frequent visitor.
I heard it only a handful of times, but I felt instantly called to pull out the copy of Animal Speak by Ted Andrews and look up frog medicine. It almost brought tears to my eyes. I won't go into that much here as I really could write an entire blog post on frog medicine and the connection that I have to it.
This is was the confirmation from the Universe that I am going to play a crucial role in helping to heal my father’s heart. I know full well and accept that the real healing will have to come from him, and that it will have to be his choice. But I will be the doorway for him, I will be the one to help him understand and put pieces together. I will be able to answer questions that he has never had the answers to.
I realize that it might sound like a burden, or some form of family obligation. But I see it as an immense privilege, as an incredible opportunity. I don’t feel as though I am walking into a situation that I am unprepared for, or am somehow fulfilling a family duty.
I am approaching this as a daughter to her father, expressing gratitude and forgiveness that is long overdue. Even though I believed this to be a closed door, and I felt like I had as much closure as I was going to get, I feel that this is the chance I never thought I would have,
As I said before, I do have a loving father in my life, and I know that I would not be the person that I am without him. But I see something so beautiful in at least attempting to heal this relationship. Not that I believe in putting all of the blame for my 'heart troubles' but I do see the loss of my father as the first heart break of my life.
I was a small child when everything happened but I still carry memories and scars from the events leading up to, during and after the divorce. These are scars that are so old and buried so deep that most times I forget that they are there. And I would argue that they do not affect my daily life.
But in those short hours that I spent with my aunts I learned more about my father then I ever knew before. There are a few things that we share, and it's already answered some questions I didn't know that I had.
I had a friend ask me why I was doing this, and I did not want to go into the spiritual reasons behind my decision, so I thought about it for quite some time. And it only occurred to me as I was writing this how much I owe this to myself. I've denied myself this chance in the past, but I knew then and I reaffirm now that I wasn't ready before, but I know that I am now.
I can't say that I expect us to be a happy family again, I can't say that I expect anything really. I think if I were to do so it would ruin the integrity of the event. I might not be that little girl in sundresses any more, but I am still his child, and that is how I am going into our phone call this afternoon.
Even if this ends up not going anywhere, if one of both of us decide that it's not working, at least we can say that we tried, which is more then I've ever had before.
As I wait hour the hours I am not focusing so much on what we will talk about, I only set the intention that it will be what we both need.
Sending you light and love,
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
Monday, January 19, 2015
Behind Door Number Two
Hey there lovies,
Welcome to Part Three of my Open Heart Series!
If you have not read Part One or Part Two you can click the links and get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journey of how, why, and how to!
Part Three is much more of a journal piece versus a spiritual one, but just like my Behind Door Number One, and A Little Bit Stronger posts, I feel that it is essential to the journey ahead. It will give you a little more background on me, and how I got to where I am. As we can all attest to, every journey begins with a single step, and this is my first step on a journey to heal and open my heart.
Even though this is part three in the series, this was the first post that I wrote. I had intended it to be the first post, but with the new moon so close I wanted to make sure that that the ritual and tool information was available to you as soon as possible.
Following pieces of this series will include a retelling of a of a personal meditative experience, some meditations that I find helpful, ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.
So without further ado!
In all honesty it's incredibly difficult for me to write about. Looking back to when I went to write about my anxiety it was something that I just needed to channel out of me. To get it right in front to me, to see it for what it really is. Somehow that has been easier than this.
The truth of the matter is that this is absolutely terrifying. As important as I know that it is to face and deal with all of this, it's caused some serious anxiety for me. Which unfortunately has been piled on top of other worries, so the last few days have been very hard.
Everything began piling up and before I knew it I felt like I was exactly where I started. I hate feeling so out of control, and the feelings of helplessness. It just feels as though everything that I have done hasn't been good enough, because look; I'm still here dealing with it. I haven't fixed it yet, why haven't I fixed it?
It wasn't until this most recent episode that I realized why I'm afraid to be in another relationship. I finally understood the reason why I am so scared for my life partner to actually find me.
I'm afraid of me.
I am scared and worried that even after all of the work that I have been putting in to making myself, being happy with who I am, and self-sufficient, that it won't be enough. That I won't be able to keep up my progress, that I won't be ready when he gets here.
I am terrified that no matter how hard I've tried to move on and let go of the past, that history will end up repeating itself, and that I'll have to start all over again.
When I ended my engagement almost three years ago, it almost destroyed me on every single level. It wasn't so much that the relationship was over because in reality, it had been over for a long time, I just didn't know it.
The way that it happened, the way that I was told, and learning how I had been living a lie for the previous three years, it was just too much. The events that followed were just as traumatic; seeing him move on so quickly with someone else, erasing every piece of evidence that we were ever together was just as heartbreaking.
When I began spending time with my now ex-boyfriend, I felt compelled to tell him how much I felt I wasn't ready for a relationship, how broken I felt and how I just didn't think I could be with someone again so soon.
He was understanding and compassionate, and let me call the shots. After a week of spending almost every day together, I knew I had to make a decision. I knew that I wouldn't be staying in the area, I was leaving in a matter of months, did I really want to start something?
I followed my feelings, and I am grateful everyday that I did. We were together for thirteen months, more then half were spent long distance. In that short amount of time he took care of me in a way I had never been taken care of before, he showed me what it was like to be cherished and appreciated. Something I had never experienced in an almost ten year relationship.
I still cared for him immensely when we decided to call it quits. I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do, that the situation wasn't fair to either of us, and at the time he was giving more to the relationship then I was. I knew I had to let him go. Even with all of that knowledge it took me over a year to fully let go.
I am now worlds and even lifetimes away from those days, but when I really stop to think, it hits me how it hasn't been that long. Even though I have made tremendous progress with my life and within myself, I've been able to do all of those things because I made the decision to focus on me.
I've been adamantly against being in a relationship because it occurred to me that I had never really been single in my adult life. The five months between ending one relationship and getting into another doesn't provide a lot of personal discovery time.
When things ended this last time, I was determined to not jump into anything right away. A little over a year later, I still don't necessarily feel ready to get back out there. I know that I still have work to do, and that there are things I want to be better sorted before a relationship comes knocking.
So instead of worrying about it so much, and feeding the anxiety, I am going to trust that the Universe knows what is for my highest good, and continue focusing on what I can change.
It something that it is much easier said then done, but I really believe that it is something that I can do. I certainly do not expect things to change overnight, just like I don't expect this to be an easy journey. One thing I do expect is that the rewards will be infinitely worth the effort.
Sending you light and love,
Thealynn
As an additional note, I wanted to take a moment to recognize my friend J who was patient and helpful when I was struggling to write this piece. Our conversations were exactly what I needed, your encouragement especially. You have my deepest thanks.
©2013-2015 Thealynn
Welcome to Part Three of my Open Heart Series!
If you have not read Part One or Part Two you can click the links and get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journey of how, why, and how to!
Part Three is much more of a journal piece versus a spiritual one, but just like my Behind Door Number One, and A Little Bit Stronger posts, I feel that it is essential to the journey ahead. It will give you a little more background on me, and how I got to where I am. As we can all attest to, every journey begins with a single step, and this is my first step on a journey to heal and open my heart.
Even though this is part three in the series, this was the first post that I wrote. I had intended it to be the first post, but with the new moon so close I wanted to make sure that that the ritual and tool information was available to you as soon as possible.
Following pieces of this series will include a retelling of a of a personal meditative experience, some meditations that I find helpful, ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.
So without further ado!
I will readily admit that when I decided to follow through with the Open Heart Series I wasn't entirely sure what I was getting myself into.
Since joining a couple of groups and working with like minded people I've been instilled with the courage to get out of my own head space and just follow what feels right, and it's been an amazing experience, however it's also been a huge influx of energy.
In all honesty it's been a bit overwhelming. Not in a negative sense by any means, but very draining. As I'm learning to balance school and all of the work I am doing personally, with my group and for this blog I am learning more and more the importance of working with my stones and meditating to center and ground myself.
If you've been with me for a whole then you know that I have been working on releasing fear from my life, and it's been going well so far. Until I realized how close I was getting to dealing with the number one emotional obstacle I've ever faced.
My fear of relationship getting into another relationship.
Typing that last sentence was easily one of the most difficult things I have done in this short year. But I knew that it was the first step, the second being that I would then need to figure out the big, "Why?"
In all honesty it's incredibly difficult for me to write about. Looking back to when I went to write about my anxiety it was something that I just needed to channel out of me. To get it right in front to me, to see it for what it really is. Somehow that has been easier than this.
The truth of the matter is that this is absolutely terrifying. As important as I know that it is to face and deal with all of this, it's caused some serious anxiety for me. Which unfortunately has been piled on top of other worries, so the last few days have been very hard.
Everything began piling up and before I knew it I felt like I was exactly where I started. I hate feeling so out of control, and the feelings of helplessness. It just feels as though everything that I have done hasn't been good enough, because look; I'm still here dealing with it. I haven't fixed it yet, why haven't I fixed it?
It wasn't until this most recent episode that I realized why I'm afraid to be in another relationship. I finally understood the reason why I am so scared for my life partner to actually find me.
I'm afraid of me.
I am scared and worried that even after all of the work that I have been putting in to making myself, being happy with who I am, and self-sufficient, that it won't be enough. That I won't be able to keep up my progress, that I won't be ready when he gets here.
I am terrified that no matter how hard I've tried to move on and let go of the past, that history will end up repeating itself, and that I'll have to start all over again.
When I ended my engagement almost three years ago, it almost destroyed me on every single level. It wasn't so much that the relationship was over because in reality, it had been over for a long time, I just didn't know it.
The way that it happened, the way that I was told, and learning how I had been living a lie for the previous three years, it was just too much. The events that followed were just as traumatic; seeing him move on so quickly with someone else, erasing every piece of evidence that we were ever together was just as heartbreaking.
When I began spending time with my now ex-boyfriend, I felt compelled to tell him how much I felt I wasn't ready for a relationship, how broken I felt and how I just didn't think I could be with someone again so soon.
He was understanding and compassionate, and let me call the shots. After a week of spending almost every day together, I knew I had to make a decision. I knew that I wouldn't be staying in the area, I was leaving in a matter of months, did I really want to start something?
I followed my feelings, and I am grateful everyday that I did. We were together for thirteen months, more then half were spent long distance. In that short amount of time he took care of me in a way I had never been taken care of before, he showed me what it was like to be cherished and appreciated. Something I had never experienced in an almost ten year relationship.
I still cared for him immensely when we decided to call it quits. I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do, that the situation wasn't fair to either of us, and at the time he was giving more to the relationship then I was. I knew I had to let him go. Even with all of that knowledge it took me over a year to fully let go.
I am now worlds and even lifetimes away from those days, but when I really stop to think, it hits me how it hasn't been that long. Even though I have made tremendous progress with my life and within myself, I've been able to do all of those things because I made the decision to focus on me.
I've been adamantly against being in a relationship because it occurred to me that I had never really been single in my adult life. The five months between ending one relationship and getting into another doesn't provide a lot of personal discovery time.
When things ended this last time, I was determined to not jump into anything right away. A little over a year later, I still don't necessarily feel ready to get back out there. I know that I still have work to do, and that there are things I want to be better sorted before a relationship comes knocking.
So instead of worrying about it so much, and feeding the anxiety, I am going to trust that the Universe knows what is for my highest good, and continue focusing on what I can change.
It something that it is much easier said then done, but I really believe that it is something that I can do. I certainly do not expect things to change overnight, just like I don't expect this to be an easy journey. One thing I do expect is that the rewards will be infinitely worth the effort.
Sending you light and love,
Thealynn
As an additional note, I wanted to take a moment to recognize my friend J who was patient and helpful when I was struggling to write this piece. Our conversations were exactly what I needed, your encouragement especially. You have my deepest thanks.
©2013-2015 Thealynn
Friday, January 16, 2015
Open Heart New Moon Ritual
Hey there lovies,
Welcome to Part One of my Open Heart Mini-Series!
If you're not quiet sure what I'm talking about, I mentioned this briefly in my Plans for the Bloggity, so if you're curious pop on over there and read if you have not already.
Following pieces of this mini series will include a picture guide to my ritual tools for the new moon ritual, a retelling of a personal meditative experience, some meditations that I find helpful and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.
I should also disclose that as there are a couple of weeks to go before the full moon ritual, there may be a post or two in there that might not be a part of the series. There is more time between the next full moon than I have topics to write about, at least when it comes to love and romance.
So without further ado!
I would first like to say that I usually do not plan my rituals out prior to them taking place. Planning ahead of time is not something I have a lot of practice in since I have just recently begun trying to keep track of moon phases, and holidays, etc.
I put some thought into this ritual and wanted it to be simple, nothing overly elaborate, but at the end of the day it really is up to you. Even though I am using specific wording and specific items, when you are doing a ritual it is much more powerful to use your own words. If you're just getting started and need a little guidance, that's what my specifics are there for. But do not feel like you have to use something I said or suggested if it doesn't feel right, the ritual is for you!
When I began to think about how I wanted this ritual to go, and the focus of this ritual, I began to think of what exactly I am trying to manifest. The tricky thing about doing so is to have a very clear idea of what it is you're trying to achieve.
For me, I am working on opening my heart to extend and receive love in preparation of meeting my partner for this life.
I've known for some time of what I am looking for in a companion, but it occurred to me that knowing specifics about a person doesn't necessarily translate to what I want out of the relationship.
I think there is a misconception that if you know the details of what kind of partner you want, that it will automatically mean that the relationship will be a long lasting, healthy, mutually beneficial, respectful, loving relationship.
There is this mentality of, 'Oh, if only I could find x, y, and z in a person; then I'd be set.' Which as nice as that sounds, isn't always the case, or even realistic.
With that in mind, we are going to jump right in. Since I have a little more time I'll be going into a bit more detail with step by step guide lines that you can follow as they are, mix them up, add your own stuff-this is really to help you get started.
Everything that I am listing is completely optional, these are the tools I usually work with.
Candles
Incense
Paper
Writing Utensil
Clearing Agent (besome, bell, smudge stick)
Lighter/Matches
Glass of Water
Salt
You'll want to have everything that you need before you begin. One really important aspect of doing ritual is that you a creating what is called sacred space. You are taking dedicated time to commune with your guides, you are connecting with the Universe, and your higher self.
I like to gather my things in the space I will be using, and take a few deep breaths. I usually like to clear myself first with whichever tool I decided to use. Since it is a new moon, I will be using my bell versus my sage.
Since the New Moon is time for planting seeds and new beginnings, I opt not to use sage. I associate sage with clearing all things away, negativity is the main focus, but I don't like the idea of the blessings being carried out by the smoke along with the negativity. Go with whatever your gut tells you.
As you are clearing yourself and the space you will be working in, be mindful of your breathing. Visualize the space around you being surrounded by a white shimmering veil, and once you have gone around it steals to create your sacred space.
It is so important that you cleanse your self and your work space before you do a ritual. When you create sacred space you are sending out your intentions to the Universe to manifest, regardless of what you are trying to achieve. If there is any negativity or ill feelings while you work, that will be sent out with whatever else you are working towards, and things might not go as planned.
If you're having trouble focusing before a ritual and you can't shake the not so happy juju, try mediating and clearing you mind of all things except for a white light, or whatever color you associate with calmness. Let your mind start in the dark and let that light grow brighter and brighter until you are completely encompassed and you feel that light washing away what's holding you down. Let it fill you up until you can feel it tingling in your toes and fingers and then slowly let it go. Let the calm say with you as the light dims. I find it helpful to let the light form into a little shining ball that you can pull out whenever you might need it.
Some times that's not always as helpful as we would like, so try taking a shower and letting yourself relax and unwind. A ritual bath with Epsom salt is another great way to not only clear yourself but to relax any time!
Moving right along!
When I am clearing I have a little mantra I like to say, and again you can write your own, you can use what I say, you can go and find something on the internet-just make sure that it resonates with you. You are creating this space with your power, you want to make sure it sticks!
I usually start with the north corner and work my way around in a clockwise direction until I am back at north. (Again, this is all about your preference and what makes you comfortable.)
As I cleanse I repeat my mantra three times:
I cleanse myself of all negativity
I cleanse myself of all negativity
I cleanse myself of all negativity
I banish all negativity from this space
I banish all negativity from this space
I banish all negativity from this space
Once my circle is raised, I call the corners. I like to start with North and follow in a clockwise fashion. I also like to call my animal guides as I call the corners. I do this because I have a very strong tie to my totems, and they have all come to me in the form of an element. Most of the time they are the same guides, some times I have a special guide with me during the time of the ritual, so I let my intuition guide me.
If you have an totem that you wish to call to assist you in your goals, don't be shy, they are there to help! Invite them to join you after the corners have been called if that's what feels right to you.
I call to the corners of the North. Element of Earth, our Mother. I ask for your presence as I do work this night. Might I succeed in perfect love and perfect trust with the assistance of my guide of the North, Wolf.
I always get a feeling within myself as a response, once I have received it I say,
I feel your presence Great North, and that of my guide, I thank you.
I call to the corners of the East. Element of Air, our Father. I ask for your presence as I do work this night. Might I succeed in perfect love and perfect trust with the assistance of my guide of the East, Dragon.
I feel your presence Independent East and that of my guide, I thank you.
I call to the corners of the South. Element of Fire, ignighter of Passion and Creativity. I ask for your presence as I do work this night. Might I succeed in perfect love and perfect trust with the assistance of my guide of the South, Horse.
I feel your presence Spirited South and that of my guide, I thank you.
In the presence of my guides and of the Elements, I humbly invite the Lord and Lady into my circle. God and Goddess, may you watch over me and guide me in my work inside and outside of this circle. I come to you this night as I work towards my highest good, in perfect love and perfect trust, I welcome you to join me in circle tonight.
I feel your presence My Lord. I feel your presence My Lady. I thank you.
Once that is done I will usually take another deep breath and invite any other guides that might be near that wish to lend me their strength, and I thank them as well.
At this point I usually light my incense and a candle. I state my intention for the ceremony. Because my focus is opening my heart, I'll probably say something along the lines of,
As I continue to release fear from my life, and heal my heart space, I wish to open my heart to the love of the world. I wish to extend love to those who are in need, as well as to receive love in return. My desire is to not only live free of fear but to live with true inner peace, knowing that this will ultimately serve my highest good. Let me not shy away from affection and appreciation, help me to accept them with an open and thankful heart.
While I do ultimately wish to be connected with my twin flame, I wish to be prepared. I desire nothing more than to be what he needs as a friend, companion and partner, just as he will be for me. May I be shown the way towards this path and not be faint of heart with the work to be done.
I ask this from a place of deep humility and respect for divine timing. Let this take place only to fulfill my highest good as I hope to use all of this life's experiences to help heal the world. May I find and maintain the strength in surrender as I send this intention to the four corners of the earth, to the ends of the Universe and beyond.
I would then verbally tie off my intention, most commonly seen is the, 'So mote it be.'
I've used to in the past, but I've switched mine up a bit.
Now is the time that I would pull out that paper and writing implement and begin to write. You can write what you ideal relationship would entail, characteristics of your next partner, all of the things that you want to express with your healed heart, it's up to you!
Once I am done writing, I will fold up the papers and put them somewhere safe, but where I will not be seeing them everyday. One thing I learned recently, and it has been a hard lesson, is that when you are working with your intentions the best way for them to manifest is to set them and forget them.
By sending them out to the Universe you are saying, "This is what I would like to happen, and I am trusting you with the timing." That's not to say that you stop working towards your goals, they won't get accomplished by themselves. It just means that you don't stress about them, you don't obsess over them. You do your part and the Universe will do the same.
If you have specific tools that you will be working with to help you on your journey, this is the perfect time to dedicate them. I like anointing my tools, so if you have an essential oil, or you could even use your incense depending on what you're burning.
Example: "I dedicate [insert tool here] to the God and Goddess as I work towards [insert goal here.] May it assist me in reaching my highest good, in perfect love and perfect trust."
It can be as simple as that. By dedicating tools, they become physical reminders of the work that you are doing. They are infused with the power of the ritual, of the divine, of your guides, and the elements. For example if you're working on self love you might choose a piece of Rose Quartz, if you're having a tough day, hold that stone in you hand, or to your heart and feel the love and dedication that is charged within that stone. It might end up helping more then you think.
Last thing I would like to mention is that I like to have a little offering to the Lord and Lady. I like to use regular water and salt. Mind you this can be a small glass of water and a teaspoon of table salt, it can be whatever you have on hand. At the end of the ritual before I release the circle and my guides, I hold each item in my hands and say something like,
In my hand I hold the element of the Lord/Lady. May you accept this offering as a token of my gratitude for your guidance and your presence here tonight.
Once I have done so with both offerings, I take a little bit of salt and sprinkle it into the water.
As you love and respect each other, I love and respect you. As the two of you are one, am I one with you. As you have graced me with your presence in helping me toward my highest good, so I will go out to the world and help others towards theirs. I thank you for your presence this night. Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again.
Once I feel their presence leave the circle I release my guides and the elements, once again starting from the North, releasing each one in turn.
Once everyone and thing has been released, it is time to release the circle. To do that, you'll want to go counterclockwise, or just the opposite way that you went when you were raising the circle.
As I release my circle, I usually have a little bit I like to add on to the end,
As I release this circle, may my intentions be released to fulfill the greatest good of all, with harm to none, in free will, so mote it be.
I realize that this post is LONG as all get out, but I felt that it was important to share. I know when I first started doing ritual, I took a little bit from here and there, but it was hard for me to get started without any real direction. Making ritual your own is important but it's nice to have a frame of reference to work with.
If you made it all the way through this post, HOORAY!!! I hope this has been helpful! I will also be making a second post with pictures of what specifically I will be using, so that will be coming to you as well!
Be sure to stay tuned for that as well as the new Weekly Oracle Card coming on Sunday!
Sending light and love to you and yours,
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
Welcome to Part One of my Open Heart Mini-Series!
If you're not quiet sure what I'm talking about, I mentioned this briefly in my Plans for the Bloggity, so if you're curious pop on over there and read if you have not already.
Following pieces of this mini series will include a picture guide to my ritual tools for the new moon ritual, a retelling of a personal meditative experience, some meditations that I find helpful and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.
I should also disclose that as there are a couple of weeks to go before the full moon ritual, there may be a post or two in there that might not be a part of the series. There is more time between the next full moon than I have topics to write about, at least when it comes to love and romance.
So without further ado!
I would first like to say that I usually do not plan my rituals out prior to them taking place. Planning ahead of time is not something I have a lot of practice in since I have just recently begun trying to keep track of moon phases, and holidays, etc.
I put some thought into this ritual and wanted it to be simple, nothing overly elaborate, but at the end of the day it really is up to you. Even though I am using specific wording and specific items, when you are doing a ritual it is much more powerful to use your own words. If you're just getting started and need a little guidance, that's what my specifics are there for. But do not feel like you have to use something I said or suggested if it doesn't feel right, the ritual is for you!
When I began to think about how I wanted this ritual to go, and the focus of this ritual, I began to think of what exactly I am trying to manifest. The tricky thing about doing so is to have a very clear idea of what it is you're trying to achieve.
For me, I am working on opening my heart to extend and receive love in preparation of meeting my partner for this life.
I've known for some time of what I am looking for in a companion, but it occurred to me that knowing specifics about a person doesn't necessarily translate to what I want out of the relationship.
I think there is a misconception that if you know the details of what kind of partner you want, that it will automatically mean that the relationship will be a long lasting, healthy, mutually beneficial, respectful, loving relationship.
There is this mentality of, 'Oh, if only I could find x, y, and z in a person; then I'd be set.' Which as nice as that sounds, isn't always the case, or even realistic.
With that in mind, we are going to jump right in. Since I have a little more time I'll be going into a bit more detail with step by step guide lines that you can follow as they are, mix them up, add your own stuff-this is really to help you get started.
Everything that I am listing is completely optional, these are the tools I usually work with.
Candles
Incense
Paper
Writing Utensil
Clearing Agent (besome, bell, smudge stick)
Lighter/Matches
Glass of Water
Salt
You'll want to have everything that you need before you begin. One really important aspect of doing ritual is that you a creating what is called sacred space. You are taking dedicated time to commune with your guides, you are connecting with the Universe, and your higher self.
I like to gather my things in the space I will be using, and take a few deep breaths. I usually like to clear myself first with whichever tool I decided to use. Since it is a new moon, I will be using my bell versus my sage.
Since the New Moon is time for planting seeds and new beginnings, I opt not to use sage. I associate sage with clearing all things away, negativity is the main focus, but I don't like the idea of the blessings being carried out by the smoke along with the negativity. Go with whatever your gut tells you.
As you are clearing yourself and the space you will be working in, be mindful of your breathing. Visualize the space around you being surrounded by a white shimmering veil, and once you have gone around it steals to create your sacred space.
It is so important that you cleanse your self and your work space before you do a ritual. When you create sacred space you are sending out your intentions to the Universe to manifest, regardless of what you are trying to achieve. If there is any negativity or ill feelings while you work, that will be sent out with whatever else you are working towards, and things might not go as planned.
If you're having trouble focusing before a ritual and you can't shake the not so happy juju, try mediating and clearing you mind of all things except for a white light, or whatever color you associate with calmness. Let your mind start in the dark and let that light grow brighter and brighter until you are completely encompassed and you feel that light washing away what's holding you down. Let it fill you up until you can feel it tingling in your toes and fingers and then slowly let it go. Let the calm say with you as the light dims. I find it helpful to let the light form into a little shining ball that you can pull out whenever you might need it.
Some times that's not always as helpful as we would like, so try taking a shower and letting yourself relax and unwind. A ritual bath with Epsom salt is another great way to not only clear yourself but to relax any time!
Moving right along!
When I am clearing I have a little mantra I like to say, and again you can write your own, you can use what I say, you can go and find something on the internet-just make sure that it resonates with you. You are creating this space with your power, you want to make sure it sticks!
I usually start with the north corner and work my way around in a clockwise direction until I am back at north. (Again, this is all about your preference and what makes you comfortable.)
As I cleanse I repeat my mantra three times:
I cleanse myself of all negativity
I cleanse myself of all negativity
I cleanse myself of all negativity
I banish all negativity from this space
I banish all negativity from this space
I banish all negativity from this space
Once my circle is raised, I call the corners. I like to start with North and follow in a clockwise fashion. I also like to call my animal guides as I call the corners. I do this because I have a very strong tie to my totems, and they have all come to me in the form of an element. Most of the time they are the same guides, some times I have a special guide with me during the time of the ritual, so I let my intuition guide me.
If you have an totem that you wish to call to assist you in your goals, don't be shy, they are there to help! Invite them to join you after the corners have been called if that's what feels right to you.
I call to the corners of the North. Element of Earth, our Mother. I ask for your presence as I do work this night. Might I succeed in perfect love and perfect trust with the assistance of my guide of the North, Wolf.
I always get a feeling within myself as a response, once I have received it I say,
I feel your presence Great North, and that of my guide, I thank you.
I call to the corners of the East. Element of Air, our Father. I ask for your presence as I do work this night. Might I succeed in perfect love and perfect trust with the assistance of my guide of the East, Dragon.
I feel your presence Independent East and that of my guide, I thank you.
I call to the corners of the South. Element of Fire, ignighter of Passion and Creativity. I ask for your presence as I do work this night. Might I succeed in perfect love and perfect trust with the assistance of my guide of the South, Horse.
I feel your presence Spirited South and that of my guide, I thank you.
I call to the corners of the West. Element of Water, sustainer of all Life. I ask for your presence as I do work this night. Might I succeed in perfect love and perfect trust with the assistance of my guide of the West, Orca.
I feel your presence Mysterious West, and that of my guide, I thank you.
In the presence of my guides and of the Elements, I humbly invite the Lord and Lady into my circle. God and Goddess, may you watch over me and guide me in my work inside and outside of this circle. I come to you this night as I work towards my highest good, in perfect love and perfect trust, I welcome you to join me in circle tonight.
I feel your presence My Lord. I feel your presence My Lady. I thank you.
Once that is done I will usually take another deep breath and invite any other guides that might be near that wish to lend me their strength, and I thank them as well.
At this point I usually light my incense and a candle. I state my intention for the ceremony. Because my focus is opening my heart, I'll probably say something along the lines of,
As I continue to release fear from my life, and heal my heart space, I wish to open my heart to the love of the world. I wish to extend love to those who are in need, as well as to receive love in return. My desire is to not only live free of fear but to live with true inner peace, knowing that this will ultimately serve my highest good. Let me not shy away from affection and appreciation, help me to accept them with an open and thankful heart.
While I do ultimately wish to be connected with my twin flame, I wish to be prepared. I desire nothing more than to be what he needs as a friend, companion and partner, just as he will be for me. May I be shown the way towards this path and not be faint of heart with the work to be done.
I ask this from a place of deep humility and respect for divine timing. Let this take place only to fulfill my highest good as I hope to use all of this life's experiences to help heal the world. May I find and maintain the strength in surrender as I send this intention to the four corners of the earth, to the ends of the Universe and beyond.
I would then verbally tie off my intention, most commonly seen is the, 'So mote it be.'
I've used to in the past, but I've switched mine up a bit.
Now is the time that I would pull out that paper and writing implement and begin to write. You can write what you ideal relationship would entail, characteristics of your next partner, all of the things that you want to express with your healed heart, it's up to you!
Once I am done writing, I will fold up the papers and put them somewhere safe, but where I will not be seeing them everyday. One thing I learned recently, and it has been a hard lesson, is that when you are working with your intentions the best way for them to manifest is to set them and forget them.
By sending them out to the Universe you are saying, "This is what I would like to happen, and I am trusting you with the timing." That's not to say that you stop working towards your goals, they won't get accomplished by themselves. It just means that you don't stress about them, you don't obsess over them. You do your part and the Universe will do the same.
If you have specific tools that you will be working with to help you on your journey, this is the perfect time to dedicate them. I like anointing my tools, so if you have an essential oil, or you could even use your incense depending on what you're burning.
Example: "I dedicate [insert tool here] to the God and Goddess as I work towards [insert goal here.] May it assist me in reaching my highest good, in perfect love and perfect trust."
It can be as simple as that. By dedicating tools, they become physical reminders of the work that you are doing. They are infused with the power of the ritual, of the divine, of your guides, and the elements. For example if you're working on self love you might choose a piece of Rose Quartz, if you're having a tough day, hold that stone in you hand, or to your heart and feel the love and dedication that is charged within that stone. It might end up helping more then you think.
Last thing I would like to mention is that I like to have a little offering to the Lord and Lady. I like to use regular water and salt. Mind you this can be a small glass of water and a teaspoon of table salt, it can be whatever you have on hand. At the end of the ritual before I release the circle and my guides, I hold each item in my hands and say something like,
In my hand I hold the element of the Lord/Lady. May you accept this offering as a token of my gratitude for your guidance and your presence here tonight.
Once I have done so with both offerings, I take a little bit of salt and sprinkle it into the water.
As you love and respect each other, I love and respect you. As the two of you are one, am I one with you. As you have graced me with your presence in helping me toward my highest good, so I will go out to the world and help others towards theirs. I thank you for your presence this night. Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again.
Once I feel their presence leave the circle I release my guides and the elements, once again starting from the North, releasing each one in turn.
Once everyone and thing has been released, it is time to release the circle. To do that, you'll want to go counterclockwise, or just the opposite way that you went when you were raising the circle.
As I release my circle, I usually have a little bit I like to add on to the end,
As I release this circle, may my intentions be released to fulfill the greatest good of all, with harm to none, in free will, so mote it be.
I realize that this post is LONG as all get out, but I felt that it was important to share. I know when I first started doing ritual, I took a little bit from here and there, but it was hard for me to get started without any real direction. Making ritual your own is important but it's nice to have a frame of reference to work with.
If you made it all the way through this post, HOORAY!!! I hope this has been helpful! I will also be making a second post with pictures of what specifically I will be using, so that will be coming to you as well!
Be sure to stay tuned for that as well as the new Weekly Oracle Card coming on Sunday!
Sending light and love to you and yours,
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
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