Starting From the Bottom

Evening loves,

Oh man, today was not an easy day. I haven't talked about my 'day job' here much, mostly because I never felt the need, but something about the combination of the day brought about so much frustration and feelings of resentment and the decision to no longer remain silent.

Not that I feel any particular need to rant and rave about my job, because in truth, I love my job. I love the people I work with, I love the environment, there's very little that I usually complain about. However, there has been a steady decrease in my passion for my place of employment over the last couple of months, and it's very easily contributed to a very specific source.

Up until now I had believed that in time it would work itself out, and all that I needed to do was to stay focused, continue to be me, just do my thing and help out where I am needed because that's just the type of person that I am; and it's not that I don't see people taking notice, it's not that I don't see people very near desperation in their attempts to 'fix' things, I see all of it. But none of it seemed to really matter, not today.

I've been asking myself all day, why today was the day that I finally hit my 'breaking point'. Why was it today that made so much of a difference for me, and why I decided that it was time to speak up, and speak out.

I kept coming back to the same answer, which strangely enough, had nothing to do with my actual job. If today had had one thing missing, I am willing to bet that I would have been able to go on for some time before coming to the point where I am now. Today I dealt with an unexpected visitor; PTSD.

I've talked before about my struggles with not only accepting that I was experiencing PTSD, but some of the tools I've used to help me cope. I'll leave that link here in case anyone is curious or perhaps is in need of some suggestions. Tools and Resources; Healing from Sexual Assault.

It's been some time since I have what I call an 'episode' regarding PTSD, and admittedly, I thought that I was over it. I thought that I had moved past that particular part in my healing process where unexpected triggers were no longer an issue. I was wrong.

Today was a busy day, we were short staffed, I was working to do two people's jobs and the person I was working with has been so stressed out for so long that they are seeking medical attention because they are in consistent physical discomfort.

I knew what the day before me held and I felt confident that I could do everything that was needed of me, I had a game plan in mind and I was going about my day the way I had hoped and expected that I would. Until I saw someone who threw it all out the window. One of my rapists now ex-roommates.

They had been in only a hand full of times altogether and we had even exchanged pleasantries the last time I had seen them. But seeing them today reminded me very much of the first time they came into my building, in which I experienced a full on panic attack as I was alone and frankly had no idea that I would see them or had any inkling of how to handle a panic attack.

The panic and anxiety that I had experienced came not so much from the person, but from the lack of knowing if said person would then go and tell my attacker where I worked, when they had seen me, basically all those things that you simply don't want your rapist to know.

The panic and anxiety that I felt today was more then just unexpected or unwelcomed, it felt unfounded in its presence. All at once I began to think back to when I was prepping for trial and I asked about the two witnesses that would be called forward. Even though they had no clue what had been taking place, they were still considered 'present' during the attack, had been interviewed by police and therefore would provide testimony, one way or the other. I remember my lawyer paraphrasing what they had told the police,

"That's so unlike him."
"I can't believe she would say that about him."

Those two phrases rang in my mind over and over again, and I couldn't help but wonder, why didn't they believe me?

It didn't matter that I barely knew them, and that of course they were friends with him. As shallow and sexiest as it might be, the justification that sprung up was, "I'm a girl, of course they should believe me."

None of it felt right, none of it felt like me. The sickening feeling that perhaps this person harbored ill feelings towards me because I sent their 'friend' to jail. That for whatever reason, I was somehow unbelievable. The possibility that in their minds was the potential belief that somehow I had 'made up' what had happened to and now XYZ was happening in their life, because of me.

I told myself over and over again that their world is so much bigger than me, that any number of things could be happening with them, and that's why they didn't feel like talking. That they refused to even look in my direction if they thought that I might catch them.

None of it seemed to matter, the feelings of disgrace, hurt, and even shame refused to leave for hours on end. I tried to remind myself that I had sent my rapist to jail, and that it was over, there was nothing that could be said to undo what has been done. Which lead to a train of thought even worse.

What if this person thought I was lying because I took 'the easy way out' and agreed to a plea deal rather then insisting that the case go to trial. Was the sentence he received 'too light'? Did those few years behind bars really fit the crime that was committed? How could I have been so selfish to agree to a plea deal? If I had been strong enough to withstand trail, I could have shown everyone how much damage had really been done, I could have had my side of the story told so everyone would know without a shadow of a doubt that I was incapable of saying yes, I could have made them all see.

Then I started thinking about what my lawyer had said about potential pitfalls of trial; how nothing was guaranteed, how even though he ended up with less then half of the max, he could have been given only probation rather than serve any jail time.

The whole thing made me sick, and frustrated, it just made me want to cry. It took me some time but I was finally able to ask myself, why does it matter so much if one or two or even one hundred people don't believe you?

The obvious answer to me was, 'because it happened.'

I began to understand that, the fact is that not everyone is going to believe me when and if they ever learn what I went through. I began to realize that some people are simply never going to believe it. And that is their choice, that's their baggage.

The fact is also that there are people who do believe me, and it was and is the right people who believe me that should matter to me most. The police, the DA, the judge, my friends, my family, my amazing boyfriend; they believed me then, and they believe me now.

As all of this swam around in my mind and I tried to hold onto the grounded feeling I typically possess, I remembered something. I remembered going to a visit a family member, and sitting outside in their backyard, ready to go into the whole thing with them. I was barely at the beginning when they said the most profound thing that had been and has been said to me;

I believe you.

Those simple words were the most powerful, the most comforting and the most reassuring that anyone said to me. It was those words ringing in my ears that brought me to the realization and the acceptance that regardless of this one individual that had been in front of me for less then two minutes, that the right people had believed me, and that in the long run, this person was and is inconsequential.

I wish that I could sit here and tell you that, if you are currently or ever will be or ever have been where I am now, that you will never have to experience this sense of doubt and confusion. I wish that I could tell you that justice is handed out more often then it is, and that the path to justice is a quick and easy one. But I can't.

What I can tell you is that I don't regret any of it. I don't regret going to the police, or to the hospital, or spending those seemingly endless days waiting to hear what would or would not happen next. I don't regret going before grand jury, and I don't regret making the plea deal. I made what I believed to be the best decision, and I don't regret agreeing to lessen the sentence from Rape I to Sexual Assault II. I don't regret acknowledging that person today, despite how much more difficult my day was because of it.

Even in my weakest moments, I stand up and I stand proud of every decision I have made in my journey to justice, because it did bring me justice. I got closure from attending his sentencing, and I am not going to stand down from doing the bare minimum that my job requires because I might not want to see a particular person.

I am a stronger person every single day that I choose to be happy and grateful for the life that I have, because I have worked damn hard for it. Today was a struggle and I didn't feel at my best, and it's upsetting to me that I didn't feel as though I was in a position to give it as much I could have. But the important thing is that I tried. Every single day that I get up and I choose happiness, joy and gratitude, every day that I choose to try, that's what truly matters.

My dears, the very thought that any one else has endured or could potentially endure this level of suffering and self-loathing breaks my heart. I wish with all of my might that I could hear your story, however much you are willing to tell, look you in your eyes, and tell you that I believe you. That I believe in you. That you are too precious, and too valuable to allow others to bring you down.

I know it can be hard to believe in yourself some times, and even if you experience moments when you don't, it's okay. It's okay to feel the hurt, it's okay to cry, it's okay to want to give up some times, because we're only human. We can only take so much before it becomes too much.

Wherever you are, whatever you're going through, please know that there is someone out there who understands what you are going through, who wants nothing but the best for you, and who holds such a great love and respect for you, because look how far you've come; just think about how much further you can go if you get up and try again tomorrow.

I realize that I may be just some strange woman on the internet whose blog you stumbled upon or perhaps someone shared it with you because they thought, whatever it is that they thought. I want you to know that I see you, not through my eyes perhaps, but through my heart and soul, and I want you to know more then anything else, that I believe you. I believe in you. You got this sweetheart.


All of my love,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Things Happen In Threes

Hey there my dears,

It's been a fast few weeks since I wrote last, and so much has changed. I've thought about sitting down and writing more than once, but felt at a loss for words. In addition there has also been a series of events that all tied together, and I felt that it might be easier if I took the time to write about them all at once. It would also provide me with the opportunity to simply live what was taking place rather than trying to analyze and depict what I was thinking and feeling for every little piece, which I knew I would end up doing if I decided not to wait.

Over the last six months, give a few weeks, I have been essentially holding my breath. I've written more than once about how excruciating the waiting process has been and even though I am still waiting, at least I am waiting for something else now.

Back in September I got a call from the District Attorney informing me that the police report had been reviewed and that the next step in the process would be to present the case to a grand jury. So, on October 17th, I appeared before a grand jury to testify in my own case. These seven men and women who had never seen my face or known my name were given the task of deciding if my story had enough merit to continue on.

I remember calling my boyfriend full of panic and relief at the same time. This is what I had been waiting for, for months. I spent the next couple of hours calling my family to share the news, and gently tell them to go about their usual routines that day because I couldn't bare the thought of any additional pressure.

Once at the courthouse I met with the attorney representing me, she was very kind and explained to me what I could expect from the experience. The officer who had filed the report and taken my statement was also there to testify which gave me a greater sense of ease. The advocate from victim's assistance was also present, for which I was grateful as my supportive boyfriend would have at least the option of company.

My testimony was shorter than I thought it would be, and at one point I wondered if perhaps I should have been more specific with certain details, but when the officer exited the conference room in roughly the same amount of time, I felt the tension release by a small fraction.

It was then that the jury would deliberate and come to a decision. I recall sitting in a small waiting room holding onto my boyfriends hand and thinking that this was the moment of truth. I began to panic thinking that I should have given them more information, I should have given them details, I should have let myself be emotional rather than the almost eerie composure that I had somehow managed to conjure up.

As much as I panicked I also reassured myself that even if I personally hadn't convinced them, that there had to be something that the officer shared that would help them make the right decision. I had come so far in putting my life back together again, there was no way I was could fall of the wagon now.

I can't say for certain how long they deliberated, I just remember trying not to cry before I even knew the answer. And my sweet partner, never letting go of my hand as I fidgeted and sighed, was silent and strong for me while we waited.

When the door opened, and I was told their decision, I was so deep into my own mind that I didn't understand the first time the words were spoken. Shocked, I asked them to be repeated, and simply nodded at first.

The jury had sided with me, they were moving forward with the case, and the next step would be to arrest my attacker. I was told that such things can take some time for necessary paperwork, but that it would be within the next two weeks, and that I would be told when it was done. I was given a brief description that would come after, and that I would be informed every step of the way.

I thanked the advocate for their time and support and that I looked forward to hearing from them soon. I took a moment to shake hands with my attorney and with the officer and genuinely thanked them both before heading back to the elevator as I didn't trust my feet with stairs.

I didn't even wait for the doors to open before embracing my partner in relief, but it wasn't until we reached the car that the news really began to sink in. By this time we were both crying with relief and gratitude and hope.

Roughly ten days later I received a phone call from the same officer that he had just arrested my attacker, and that he was secured in prison. Another waved of relief and this time it hit me harder. It was only after I received that phone call that any of it felt real, that I felt safe enough to really cry and to take in a deep breath.

More good news came just a few short days later when I learned of his arraignment and his bail. More reassurance that my attacker is going to stay exactly where he is, at least for now. As trial dates are set and negotiations begin, things can change and shift, but at least for the next couple of months, I can rest a little easier, breath a little deeper, and smile a little more freely.

By no means is this journey over, but so much was accomplished in just a few short weeks. It's hard for me not to be optimistic, or hopeful and I will admit that I am wary of becoming unrealistic, but after all that has happened, I think I deserve to celebrate these victories. I do deserve to rejoice in the righteousness and justice that have been delivered.

There is still waiting to be done and there is still a very real possibility that this is how far it will go. But it could have ended two weeks ago in that room with those seven strangers. For my own sake, I choose to believe that justice will continue to be served, I choose to believe that he will pay for his crimes, and I choose to embrace happiness and joy to the utmost of my ability.

Samhain is in a few short days, and with that comes the whirlwind of the holidays theoretically designated to help us focus on what we are blessed with.

I already know what I am grateful for this year, and as I continue to heal and to better my life, I will cherish those people who have believed in me and supported me through the worst circle of hell I have yet to experience.

September may have been the longest month of my life, but October has certainly been this year's saving grace.

Never forget that you are strong, and that you are worth every happiness my dears. Some times you just have to fight for them.

Brightest Blessings to you and yours,

Thealynn

©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Tools and Resources; Healing from Sexual Assault

Hello my dears,

When I decided to come out to you all about my experience surviving sexual assault, I knew from the get-go that I wasn't going to stop there, but that I would want to share the tools I've been using to help me with the healing process. I also knew that I wanted to share resources, some of which I have utilized myself, that can at least be a starting point.

I think it goes without saying that no tool by itself is ever going to cure the hurt or take away the anger that I feel, true healing doesn't work on a time table and must be consistently nurtured, there is no cure-all, there is no way to make it vanish without a trace.

You may be wondering why I didn't include these things in the first two articles I wrote concerning my experience. Believe me, it did cross my mind, I thought about it long and hard before hitting the little 'publish' button that makes these pieces available for everyone to see.

The fact is that I was in a place where I simply needed to express myself, and say what I needed to say. I needed to be able to cry as I wrote and process those emotions and do so in a space that was specifically designed for that. I needed to allow myself that time and space to be vulnerable and raw and to not hold back, so that's what I did.

I have said this before, and I doubt that this is the last time I will say this but for the sake of putting it out there: some of these are tools that I work with in my own personal practice. In no way do I believe that they are the end all, be all or that they will work for everyone.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way ~

The first step I would encourage everyone to do is to report the incident to the police. I understand and relate first hand how humiliating and shameful it can feel to go to a complete stranger and tell them about your experience.  I myself went to two different police stations to report my attacker. I initially went to the police station in my town, but because the crime was committed in a different county, I needed to go there instead.

Before I move on, I want to say that I was treated with dignity and respect by both of the officers with whom I spoke, and have worked with. Both were kind and compassionate and gave me peace of mind as I took these first steps.

The next step I would also encourage of everyone is to go to the hospital or if you are able to, go their first. Again, it can be frightening, humiliating and shameful, but it can not only be beneficial to your case, but you can also be treated for any STI's that may have been passed to you. If you do head to the hospital first, they can always contact the police for you there.

I would also encourage everyone to seek professional help. Whether you yourself are a survivor or someone you love is, having someone who is professionally trained and is unbiased to help you work through your struggles is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Please do not let the lack of insurance be a road block to you getting the help that you need, there are so many payment free options, such as community counselors, support groups, and online support.

There is help available to you, don't fall into the trap of telling yourself that you are 'fine' if you are not, it's okay to not be after experiencing such trauma.

I would also encourage you to not let the outcomes of publicized rape cases be an excuse to not go to the police.  It is incredibly discouraging to see so many in such a short amount of time, let alone all of the cases we never hear about. But carrying the regret of not doing more, not doing something, is optional.

I remember thinking that I wasn't going to report my case because I knew my attacker, and that I couldn't imagine what this would do to his life. It took me four days to dig up the courage and decide to go.

Part of what has kept me going and has helped me the most is that I am actively choosing to live my life the way that I want to live it, or at the very least, trying my damnedest to do so. Doing everything in my power to receive justice and to reclaim my life has been the biggest healer of all.

Some days it's unspeakably difficult, I don't always feel like being alive when I wake up. So I think about the things that make me happy, that make me smile. In my mind I picture the things that make my life worth living, I picture my future getting closer and closer every day that I continue to move forward.

As far as what I do personally in addition to what I have listed above, I spend as much time with my friends and family as I am able to. These people are my anchors to the life I lived before I was attacked, and they help to remind me who that person was, and how I can make my way back to her.

This might go without saying also, but I write, A LOT. There are so many things that I write or record of just me talking so that I can release the intense emotions that I feel. Expressing myself creatively is an outlet for the pain and the frustration. If you don't consider yourself a creative person that's okay, maybe your outlet is through physical activity. Just finding an outlet and allowing yourself that time can be incredibly beneficial.

This may come as no surprise, but I have a variety of stones that I carry with me every day, that I sleep with under my pillow, and that I meditate with. I even created a crystal grid with them, and recently shared the photo on my Instagram.

Starting in the center we have a Shiva Lingam, at the top we have Lepidolite, Black Tourmaline, Rhodonite, Snowflake Obsidian, Rose Quartz, Smokey Quartz, Rhodocrosite, and Petrified Wood.

These are all stones that either I felt called to, or already had as a part of my collection. Before dedicating them to this specific work, I left them in my window for a moon bath on the full moon, and continue to do so every full moon, so that the previous energy is released back to mama Earth and can be transmuted into energy for other people, places, causes, etc.

I try to do this with all of my stones so that their energy can be replenished and as a form of thanks for the work that they do, as I do my own work.

I still struggle with sleeping well, or even through the night, so a couple of the things I have found that help me is having fresh lavender under my pillow. I also play white noise to help distract me from the constant train of thought. I was fortunate enough that as I was searching for some of the stones I listed above that the shop I was in offered these little lavender bundles, but they are very easily made on your own.

If you are allergic to lavender, this might not be a viable option, but I have found that a calming scent can be incredibly helpful.

Essential oil is another way to go as there are so many varieties available, some are even designed for that calming affect.

One of my dear friends is a doTERRA consultant and gifted me a little bottle of the Wild Orange. I tend to use it on my hands when I travel as it is easy to play off getting a quick whiff to help calm my nerves.

Some times I simply carry the bottle with me if I am not able to wear it, such as when I am at work. Being in a bakery I am constantly wearing gloves and washing my hands, so rather than constantly putting it on and risking the food I touch taste of orange, I can take a quick smell from the bottle in between tasks and not risk cross contamination.

These are just a few of the tools I have been using to help me cope with the trauma and anxiety that comes with being a survivor. I have also pushed myself into working on growing my spiritual practice by getting back into reading. For example, I just finished Starhawk's The Spiral Dance.

Not only did it help me to connect certain thoughts and feelings I had about the Craft to a place of understanding and safety, but there were sections of the book that provided me healing that I wasn't even expecting.

I originally borrow a copy of the 10th Anniversary edition from the same friend who gifted me the doTERRA, and I ended up having it so long I purchased her a replacement copy.

The Spiral Dance is a book that I intend to do a review on in the near future, I hope to be able to do so before the end of the year, but we'll see if we get there.

I also began working through a couple of books with my circle members, one of them is called Following Your Path by Alexandra Collins Dickerman. This book is designed as a work book as you take the journey of the Fool through the archetypes of the major arcana.

The other is called In The Shadow of 13 Moons by Kimberly Sherman-Cook. This book is all about Shadow work, and is designed to work through a thirteen month period as all the work is done during the time of the dark or new moon.

It might seem like heavy work, but these are all forms of me taking control, making conscious choices and doing what I feel is best for me. When I first began to process what had happened to me, I cut off my connection with Spirit completely, I was in no place to even want to think about it.

All of these things came later, when I felt ready. In the first weeks after my attack, I spent a lot of time utilizing the internet, finding out what to expect from this process, and what resources I had available to me.

I have to say though, that none of these things would make the least bit of difference if I didn't want to be here. If I didn't want to fight, if I didn't want my life back, if I didn't want to remain a victim.

Something horrible happened to me, something that I couldn't stop from happening, something that I didn't ask for.  But it happened. And what happens now, for the most part is up to me.

I started taking back control of my life when I decided to go to the police, and even though I have done everything I can do for the time being, I did something. Even if, god forbid my case doesn't go anywhere, I can look back and say that I did what I could.

I refuse to remain a victim, I refuse to live that way. Because I have lived that way, the first several weeks it was all I could do. I needed that time to embrace the pain to the up most of which I could take it. And there are days when I still feel its echo, I honestly don't know if it's something that will ever leave me.

My choice to say no was taken away that night, but every day that I choose to say yes to myself, I heal a little bit more.

Yes, I deserve happiness. Yes, I deserve success. Yes, I deserve justice. Yes, I deserve to have my voice heard. Yes, I deserve the right to say, no. Yes, I deserve to heal.

Every day that I choose to live, to be a survivor, I heal a little bit more. Every day that you choose to, you heal a little bit more.

Yes, you deserve happiness. Yes, you deserve success. Yes, you deserve justice. Yes, you deserve to have your voice heard. Yes, you deserve the right to say no. Yes, you deserve the right to heal.

First and foremost I want to share the phone numbers and chats for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and the National Sexual Assault Hotline.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-TALK
Here is the link to the private chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx


National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 or 1-800-656-HOPE
Here is the link to the private chat: https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp


https://www.rainn.org/
RAINN is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. They are bursting with information, and one of the main resources I used, including their confidential chat which I utilized while I decided on a therapist. 

https://www.notalone.gov/resources/
Not Alone was also incredibly helpful because it provided me with a list of crisis centers as well as a hot line that is confidential and 24/7

http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_national_type.php?type_id=1056
WomensLaw is a great site for information about different organizations, statics, and additional resources to get you the help that you need.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Lifeline is always a resource to be aware of regardless of what crisis you might be facing, there is someone who is willing to be there for you.

I may not know you, I may never know you. I may never know your story, hear your laughter or be able to hold you while you cry. But wherever you are, know that I love you.

Know that there are people in this world who love you, who need you, who want to be there to support you. Know that you mean something to this world, know that you are not alone.

Blessings to you and yours,

Namaste,

Thealynn

©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Behind Door Number Four

Hey there loves,

I have honestly thought about writing this piece over and over again, and while I think a part of me always intended to, I never quite felt like the timing was right. And I cannot specifically say why I feel compelled to do so now, only that I do, so here I am.

I think it's safe to say that I have never given any sort of disclaimer in any of my work prior to this, but I will say before I get started that the topic of this piece may very well cause discomfort in the least and be a trigger at the worst.

It's a topic that seems to be flooding our social media feeds, perhaps spoken with caution in groups, sparking outrage and bringing change across the world, slowly if not surely.

I am going to talk to you today about rape.

Here in America, someone is raped roughly every two minutes, a rape is reported roughly every six minutes, and one in six women experience sexual assault in their life time. One out of every ten rape victims are male.

It would be easy to tell you that I wanted to discuss this topic because it is such a deafening problem, which is true, but it wouldn't be the whole truth; and while it's also true that this blog is meant to be a place to talk about my path, and to share and to hopefully help to educate and inspire others who perhaps face some of the same struggles that I myself have faced - this topic falls under that category.

Because I was raped nearly three months ago.

Of all the events in my life thus far that have caused me to question my life, and my path, this definitely did it. This experience has challenged me in ways that I didn't know I could be challenged, and I struggle with it every single day.

This is an event that can potentially change literally everything about a person.

I have seen some very dark times, and one way or another I have managed to come out it for the better.

This was the first time that I genuinely questioned my ability to come back from what I was experiencing. For the first week following the rape I could barely sleep, I didn't want to eat, and I cried almost continuously.

It took me four days to work up the courage to go to the police. By that time just about all of the physical evidence was gone, so all I was left with was my statement and the clothes I had been wearing that night. Despite the lack of a rape kit, I went to the hospital to be treated for any potential STIs.

Over the next couple of weeks I struggled to re-assimilate myself back into my life between constant emotional breakdowns, and phone calls from the officer working my case seeking as much detail and clarification for the report that would later be sent to the DA's office. It would be almost two months before I received a call informing me that they had received the police report. They told me that it would be thirty days to process the report.

Within that time I shared what had happened to me with only a few members of my immediate family, and just as many friends. I ended up quitting my job because I was unable to work reliably, and I began to wonder if I would ever be able to find a way to be comfortable in the world again.

I literally hated being alive. I felt dirty and unwanted in my body. I showered compulsively wanting to scrub away the ghost who had so violently violated not just my body but my trust, and at times I found myself simply scrubbing until my skin was red.

I forced myself to quit crying because I was so afraid of being lost in that darkness of hating myself. I would barely sleep because all of my dreams were the shadows of what I remembered from that night.

I could so scarcely feel the old self, I wondered if she even existed. I fought the constant waves of guilt for my situation and argued inside of my own head for hours about what I could have or should have done differently to prevent what happened to me.

There was the reminiscence of the old me who knew that it wasn't my fault, that regardless of circumstance; rape is never justified, but I could only hear her part of the time and her voice was so quiet, like a half-hearted whisper being carried away on the wind.

It took some searching, but I was able to find a counselor who specialized in sexual assault victims. The first several sessions were filled with the tears I had denied myself, and while there was a part of me that hated myself for doing so, the other side felt so relieved to be able to simply let it go, because that's what you're supposed to do in counseling, right?

It's only been three months, and I am still here. It took some doing but I managed to find my footing again and I was able to find a new job. I still have trouble sleeping and some days I need to remind myself to eat.

I look back and find it almost hard to believe that it's only been a few short months. Each day is so long and carries so much weight with it, but then in the blink of an eye a week has gone by.

I don't know what might happen next when it comes to the legalities.

But I do know that I've made it this far. And even though I don't go a day without thinking about that night, and right now I see multiple things a day that remind me of the individual, I've gotten to a place where I don't hate myself any more.

I don't blame myself for the selfish, destructive actions of another. I found the strength within myself to take back the reins of my life. I may not have been physically able to stop what happened, but I can and do say no to anyone else running my life.

Truth be told I have been very lucky, I have received nothing but support, compassion, and encouragement from those I have shared my story with. Too many never hear or experience those things, and I have been given nothing but that and more.

For all of the struggle and trauma I have lived through prior to this, I feel confident in saying that I don't think I would have made it through without the love and support of my friends and family.

Whether my case continues to move forward or it does not, this is just the beginning of this particular journey. Being a survivor of sexual assault has changed my life forever, I will never be the same person that I was before.

To quote a friend of mine,

"This is the only piece of you he is ever going to have."

If there's one thing more I can do for myself, it's to make sure it's the smallest damn piece manageable. Every day that I wake up and choose to take one step closer to the self that I know I can be, that piece gets a little smaller.

I remind myself of that when the I can't sleep or when I have a day where I feel that guilt threatening to come back. Some days are harder than others, and some days I have to hold onto the stubborn nature that tells me that I cannot let him win.

Because every day that I live my life, every day that I find a reason to smile, to laugh, every day that I feel sincere gratitude for the gifts that I receive from the Universe, is a victory.

One in every six women experience sexual assault, one in every ten rape victims are male.

It heart breaks every time I see a headline telling the story of another victim. Roughly one in a thousand rape cases result in jail time. I find myself crying multiple times a day, it doesn't get easier seeing those things.

It's easy to feel like the steps I've taken thus far are pointless, because how special could my case be? What about my experience, my testimony could be so radically different where I receive judicial justice?

To be perfectly honest, I don't expect it at all. I am hopefully. I pray and plead with my gods every day to not let this happen to someone else who perhaps is too frightened to come forward, who is eaten alive by shame.

Whatever the legal outcome of my case is, I can walk away knowing that I have done everything within my power. So much of this feels as though it's out of my hands, and it's frustrating having to wait for a voice on the other line that might never call.

It's difficult to trust that things will work out the way that they should. It's difficult to believe that one day, all of this will be behind me, and that I'll eventually look back on this have a thick layer of scar tissue to point to as an example of yet another battle wound.

But then I see all that I have written here, and I recall the day sitting down on a couch terrified of telling my boyfriend of two months at that time, that I had been raped less than twelve hours earlier. I recall his anger and confusion and his heartbreak, I remember his gentle strength as he held my hand at the police station, and the look of certainty in his eyes every time he told me that together we would make it through this.

Of all the things that have changed because of this incident, there are some things that I refuse to let change.

I will never stop loving people, I will never allow myself to be hardened to the point where I care nothing for the people around me, whether by choice or necessity.

I will not remain silent. I refuse to let what happened to me be buried without any resolve, whether by judicial means or by simply owning my own trauma and one day using it to help be the strength for others who struggle with similar obstacles.

I will always trust that there is a positive to balance the negative, even if I can't always see it.

For all of those who have personally been a victim, or know a victim of sexual assault, know that you are not alone. You do not have to feel ashamed, you are not responsible for another's actions.

You are loved, you are cherished, you are worth it.

Light and love to you,

Thealynn

©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf