This post is going to be a little bit different than those you've seen in the past-whether I posted them last year, or within the last week. Prior to this point in my life, I don't think I would have considered sharing something like this about myself in this format. It's barely something I like sharing at all, in fact I hide it so well that I some times forget how much it can affect me.
So why am I sharing?
There are a couple of reasons, a big chuck of it has to do with the mantra I gave myself during the first post I made on this blog in over a year.
"My last year living in fear."
A significant part of doing that is being honest with myself. By being open and honest, it takes away the opportunity to be ashamed. It brings the situation into the light, so I can see it for what it really is instead of letting it be the big scary monster in the dark that I think it is.
Another reason actually has to do with you-my readers. I want anyone who visits this blog to see me as the person that I am, not just a personality that I present in a specific writing style.
Now, by no means am I saying that blogging, writing, making videos in that way is wrong, or insincere, or anything of that nature. I am simply saying that for me personally, my voice comes from being as I am. I know this because I tried it other ways, and I didn't have as much success in what I was working on.
When I started this particular blog, the idea was for it to a place where it was safe to be who and what you are when you don't have anywhere else. And I think that is why I quit after only three, maybe four months. Granted there were A LOT of personal changes happening that made blogging not an ideal pass time. As I said before, I was also trying to define my path, and work out my beliefs in an almost technical way, which again, just did not work for me.
This time around, I am here to share and be open, and be proud of who and what I am. I do not have all of the answers, I don't even have all of MY answers. Life is a journey, and I am at my happiest, and learn the most when I just LIVE. When I take it one day at a time, and allow myself the freedom to take chances, make mistakes, and not apologize for my life.
Which brings me to what I wanted to share.
I realize up until now, in the maybe dozen posts on this blog, I have focused very heavily on my spiritual path. Which is the main point of this blog, but I see real value in sharing other aspects of my life as well.
In my post titled When One Door Closes, I talked about being called to work on my shadow self. Everyone probably has a slightly different definition of what that means, so I'll clarify what that means for me.
Working on my shadow self means that I am looking inward to the things that I might not necessarily like about myself. They are the habits, or tendencies, or personality traits that might be very much a part of who I am (especially the latter)-they are the things that do not help serve me to my highest good.
I had a raging call from one of them this last week or so. Being a full time student is not an easy thing, particularly for someone who has never been a full time student without it being legally mandatory. It can be very stressful in a number of ways.
Not only was I transitioning into a completely new schedule, I also had to transition the way I dealt with money. I was no longer earning a respectable lower middle class wage, I was given a figure close to what I made in a six weeks, and I had to make it last three months! Very much a new learning experience for me, literally!
So along with the stress of school and finances, I began this shadow work. I began digging up all of this junk that I thought I had dealt with already, well, it turns out that I am like a squirrel. I bury it, forget about it, and then after an undetermined amount of time later-surprise!
While all of these things individually are good things, it took more of a toll then I had anticipated. So many things were being brought into the light, and being released (which takes time in and of itself) and I had all of this studying to do, but I was so excited about what was happening in my spiritual life, and I was starting my blog again, but I wasn't really sleeping or eating, and I had my finals right around the corner, and another month before next term, and would I still qualify for financial aid....
I broke for about a day and a half.
I was juggling with so many thoughts, and ideas, and emotions that in the process I sent myself into a panic attack.
One of the truths about me is that I have anxiety and clinical depression. I do not say that "I suffer from" because I sincerely believe that I don't. Every now and again I have episodes where it's like I have a brain chemical flu, some stints last longer then others. Both of these conditions run on both sides of my family, along with a few others, but we'll save that for another time.
Just to be clear, I understand how devastating these conditions can be. Not only have I witnessed them in others, but I have experienced them myself. The way that I described the situation above is not a standard that I hold anyone else to, not even myself. I have noticed that for me personally, that's usually how it goes.
So, why am I sharing again?
I want to share as much of a full rounded picture of who I am with you. I want to be better at reminding myself that I'm human too. I'm not sure if it's just me, or if it's a Capricorn thing (just kidding!) but I tend to forget.
While I will joke about being a total hippie (and I do see myself as such) it's not all there is to me. I whole heartily believe that working with the ebb and flow of nature can be helpful-because all other forms of life live that way.
I have found that meditation, and working with crystals help me. I've heard it also works for other people, and I like to surround myself with those people because we share similar perspectives. Something I think we all do. That's not to say that I don't associate with people who do not share my beliefs (another post all by itself.)
But I don't expect for my spirituality to 'fix' or heal everything that might be 'wrong' with me. When I have a cold, I don't rely on a crystal to make my nose stop running. I'm going to stalk up on Puffs with lotion, Halls cough drops, tea and cold medicine.
Yesterday I turned off my phone because I didn't want to hear from anyone. I was wrought with this horrible sick feeling, moving in any capacity made me nauseous. I spent the day in total despair and worry. Around seven in the evening I ended up taking some medication and I started to feel more in touch with my grounded self.
I was able to calm down enough to sleep and to make it to my final this morning. Over the next few weeks I am going to set up time to talk to the school about what I can do for stress management, set up to see a counselor and make sure I do what I need to do to make sure I can stay in school.
Not to be redundant, but why are you sharing this?
Because it's scary being open about something so unpleasant about yourself. It's embarrassing because you know that's not who you really are or who you want to be. I'll go into more details about that in a different post.
By sharing in this way, not only am I openly accepting this about myself but I am affirming that this is something that doesn't have to take control. This is something I can work on, and find healthy ways of coping.
In truth I have no way of knowing how many people will see this post. But eventually someone will see it, and it may give them the courage to face something that they have felt ashamed of. I hope that it does.
I hope that whatever may be hiding inside, that you know in your heart of hearts that you are strong enough to face it, to conquer it, to share it with people who can help you, and that because of all of that, you can help someone else.
That's it for tonight dears, somehow it's gotten past midnight, and while I am done for the term, I am still coming down a bit from my trip down anxiety lane.
Just remember that no matter the darkness you find yourself in or surrounded by, there is a great light within you. All you need to do is hold onto it, and if you feel like you can't find it, don't be afraid to ask for help. The people who love us are exceptional at finding such things, even when we cannot.
May your dreams be filled with laughter and delight.
In light and love,
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
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