The Day I Forgave My Rapist

Hey loves,

It's been a minute since we've chatted like this, and it should be no surprise what I'll be sharing.

With everything going on in the cosmos right now; multiple planets in retrograde, the full moon and lunar eclipse we just had, the solar eclipse and new moon coming up, it really feels like the whole Universe is getting shaken up and rearranged and fiddled with - including us.

We've passed the half-way mark of our calendar year, and as summer is reaching it's height, I can't help but stop and take a good look around. My life has changed dramatically in so many areas, at times I think I might have to pinch myself just to make sure I'm not dreaming all of it.

It was only a few short months ago that I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that I had sent my attacker, my rapist to jail. It took time to get to a point where I wasn't constantly reminding myself that my battle was over and whats more, that I had won.

Being in the mental and emotional place that I am now, it really feels like world away. I even caught myself thinking about it all the other day at work and it felt strange and random, and then it occurred to me just how long it had been since the subject crossed my mind.

So imagine my surprise when it occurred to me one day that, I not only did not hate this person, but that I recognized forgiveness instead. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't completely convinced that forgiveness was actually what I felt. I sat with myself for a time and really tried to tune in to what in the world I was feeling.

I poked and I prodded, I let myself revisit the toughest moments I experienced in my healing journey, and what I saw looking back was sheer determination, a strong force of will, and the desire to leave that pain in a place where it could be safely observed without risk of falling into the pit.

I sat there with my sage burning, holding a crystal or two and asking the Universe if it was really all over. Was I really done with all of it? Did I now possess the ability to see it as an event of the past, a time in my life that could have gone so many ways, but one that I chose to navigate with justice and the gift of taking the time I needed to heal?

Truth be told I didn't truly recognize myself in that moment. The woman I saw was someone that I had hoped I would find for so many years but one that I was never really sure I would actually be able to step into.

Somewhere along the way, she told the young girl who was lost, confused, and hurt, filled with betrayal and uncertainty to relax and take a step back. She, I was here now, and I was going to take care of her, she didn't have to worry any more.

When you become a survivor of sexual assault, you are never the same person again. For me, it really became an opportunity to find my voice, and what's more is it became an opportunity to use my voice.

I made my way through the worst thing one person can do to another, and rather than allowing anger and hate to rule me, I let those feelings have their time. I gave them space to be and to breathe and once they were done, I simply let them go. Without conscious thought, I somehow allowed them to slip away and to be replaced by knowing that my life is going to be and is amazing.

His blatant act of destructive selfishness can't hurt me any more, as there is so much distance between the one he took advantage of and the one who stands alive today.

I realize that this might sound fluffy, and too easy, and too soon and anything else that indicates that I am not or should not have made the progress that I have.

Call it what you will, but I have known from the start that reaching this state of forgiveness for my rapist was one that I was going to come to. When my life came crashing down five years ago, the last thing I wanted to do was to forgive the people responsible, but I did. It took considerable time and growth, but I achieved it.

I will openly admit that I did not even consider forgiveness until after my court case had been settled, and even then, I din't feel like I was ready to take on what felt like such a huge thing. So left it alone, I didn't actively try to work towards it, because if I had learned anything about forgiving those that hurt you, it's that sometimes forgiveness just needs to come on its own.

Forgiving my rapist might seem like a crazy thing to do, but from where I'm standing, it's the best thing I could have done for myself with everything else said and done. It was my way of closing that chapter of my story, and it has allowed me to start with a bright, fresh, clean slate where anything and everything is possible.

Because if I'm able to forgive the guy who raped me, I can do anything.

*If you or someone you know has been abused or sexually assaulted, don't be afraid, you're not alone. You can find free resources by following this link: Tools and Resources: Healing from Sexual Assault.

If what I talked about today resonates with you and you would like to get to know me more or if you are looking for a community with other like-minded individuals, come and join us on Facebook in our virtual temple space, Shakti's Circle.

As troubling as the world may seem, know that you are so vitally important in bringing positive change, you are so loved.

Holding space for you dear one,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Full Moon Reflections: Capricorn

Hey there loves,

I normally don't do this kind of update post, probably because I'm unaccustomed to seeing such significant change in such a short amount of time.

When I wrote about the Full Moon in Capricorn, I felt like I needed to vent as much as I wanted to share what I was learning. I had mentioned before my frustration with a few of my coworkers and how all I wanted was for the situation to be resolved, in the way I thought was best of course.

Without realizing it, I had become more angry and frustrated at how I felt that I was being treated, and I stopped seeing the bigger picture. I got tunnel vision if you will, so naturally when those blinders came off, not only did I feel foolish and a bit embarrassed, I also wanted to make things right.

I had a conversation with one coworker about how it felt when we worked together, and I heard her out. Turns out that she felt much the same way that I did; passing off responsibility, not doing our far share of the work, and at the end of the day not being excited to work with the other person.

I took the opportunity to apologize and did my best to make sure that they knew that I would do my best to communicate more openly if I was having an off day or feeling behind, that I would try to make sure they knew I was there to help them if they needed it.

We agreed that if the cycle that has been infecting our work place was to stop, it had to start somewhere, so it was going to start with us.

A different coworker, whom I perceived to be the one responsible for all of the turmoil, started showing up more, started doing more, and appeared to be putting in more of an effort. My boss had asked me to give this person a second chance, and at first I was admittedly reluctant.

I'd given out second chances before and it had never ended well for me, and that was just my personal relationships. This was supposed to be a professional environment, why the hell were they given a second chance? I firmly believed, despite being told otherwise, that any one would be given this second chance if they were in this person's shoes. It felt like they were being special treatment for unknown reasons, and truth be told, I resented everyone who was involved.

In retrospect I can see where I did not do a good job of hiding my opinion even though I never voiced it. I was not sincere or genuine with this person, and I did not listen to the undertones or body language which always said more than the words that were spoken.

After writing about what Spirit revealed to me, it really hit home that I needed to not just see and recognize these people and the parts of them that I recognized, but that I needed to honor them and where they are at in their journey.

I needed to do this not just for myself, but by doing so, it could completely change the atmosphere and the energy in my workplace when I worked with them. As all of this was sinking in I told my guides, I told Spirit that I was not confident in my ability to do so overnight. I was unsure of how successful I would be right away, but that I would try and that I wouldn't keep myself closed off from them as I had been doing.

It's not two weeks later, and I am surprised at myself but I'm also proud. One year, two years ago, I don't know if I would have been able to turn around so completely. I'm going to work feeling lighter, feeling more confident in my position, I don't dread working with these people any more, and I genuinely spend time asking the Universe to hold them and send them love and support because in my heart I know that somehow it can and will manifest for them. Even if it manifests through me.

I no longer feel like I am being denied opportunities because I have been given the amazing chance to do other things. Like spending one day a week in a different department which isn't remotely related to the one I am in now. I am able to dedicate time to writing here, I've been able to finish a really exciting project that now is just waiting for the green light from Spirit to go onto the next step, I reached a place where I was comfortable creating an online temple space on Facebook where I can connect and share openly and others can do the same if they feel called to do so.

Don't get me wrong, the Full Moon in Capricorn was a tough one. I felt it BIG TIME. But now as we are transitioning into the New Moon in Leo, and we are heading into the harvest season, I am starting to look back on what I have been able to bring to life so far this year, and I feel amazing.

The work is not done, and there is still time to create, I feel the fiery energy of Leo beckoning me to breath life into more projects, to ignore the fear that tells me that somehow I am not good enough to do what I want to do. The lion in my roars with confidence because it knows, and I know better.

I will say though that with the completion of the project mentioned above, there is a sense of finality in a way. I knew that I wouldn't launch the project straight away, so now I'm sitting in a space with two different energies; the first being that I want to take a breath and soak up the fact that I have never even attempted something like this and now it's done, the second energy is that of the new moon in Leo wanting to get out there and create more stuff!

So, I am going to try an honor both energies, I will take time to be in stillness and gratitude and really honor the work that I have put into the project, and at the same time put my energy into other projects.

One such project is the Facebook group I mentioned before. If you are interested in joining, I fully encourage you to do so. We're still a fairly small community but you are welcome to it! I'll leave the link here with you, Shakti's Circle.

All right loves, time to go spend some time in that stillness.

Don't forget to live freely and love fiercely,

~Thealynn


©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Be I Am

Good evening loves,

This might come as a bit of a surprise to some of you, but over the last few months I have been putting in considerable thought to what it might be like to make Spiritual sharing and coaching a full time thing. 

For some time I have had the pull to step into the role of a healer, especially considering the work I have put into my own healing journey, it occurred to me that I might just be in a good position to help others through their traumas using the same tools that helped me. 

I even reached out and found a wonderful coach who specializes in such things, and while we ended working in a slightly different direction, it never really left my mind.

I spent several weeks struggling to remain present as dates on the calendar brought me back to past events which impacted the course of my life. As much as I wanted to honor those spaces and those feelings, I was starting to get lost in those times while losing sight of the fact that I had moved past them bit by bit. 

During our last session I was given a bit of a wake up call to what I was doing and I cannot express how grateful I feel to be back in present time. In the weeks since, the topic has come up multiple times including a conversation I had with a coworker. She shared with me how over the course of several years she had been given the message "Be a Shaman" from her guides. She shared with me how she spent so much time trying to understand what that meant and how to get to that place. Hearing it again a couple of months ago, it finally clicked what her guides were asking her: BE a Shaman. She had to choose every single day to step into that role, to live her life as a Shaman, to BE.

Her story resonated with me so much that I began thinking to myself, that's exactly what I need to do. The words she spoke lined up with what one of my mentors was saying to me about living your life as if you're future is already here. 

If I want to be a healer, provide guidance, be a priestess; these are all things I can do right now. I AM a healer, I DO provide guidance, I AM a Priestess. My mentor spoke to me of living in what I want to bring about, and not waiting for a magical time when I just happen to find myself in my future, I literally have to create it. 

So, I started today. 

I have shared my passions with my teammates in my current profession mostly in passing conversation, and yesterday one of them took me up on it. We had spoken tentatively about getting together once before, and yesterday she was ready to take the plunge. As we settled on a time and place they asked me about also inviting another teammate, to which I was happy to encourage.

So last night I took a bath in an effort to unwind, during which I tried to figure out the best way to broach the subject of helping these people as I did not want to simply wing it. There was also the concern of how to transition from coworker and friend to client. I wasn’t confident in my ability to channel Spirit effectively and I began to worry. It was then that I heard the voice of the Goddess.

This might have been the clearest I have heard her in a long time. She shared with me how she could see and feel my anxiety, my fear of saying or doing the wrong things during the session and how I was concerned that I wouldn’t be what was expected.

She reminded me that these clients are clean slates, they have no expectations other than being genuinely heard, and how they already know that’s what they will be receiving from me because they have already received such from me time and again. These are clients that I already have an established relationship, and trust with, and how it is a testament to my person that they have accepted my offer to assist them in any way that I can.

She told me that the fear and the anxiety that I was feeling were merely the echoes of lives past in which I was ridiculed, abandoned, even killed for the gifts that I possess, and how they are coming up now because I am ready to heal those wounds and fully begin stepping into myself.

She told me, “No one is going to kill you for this, you are not going to die for helping people.”

It was then that my eyes welled with tears as I felt the phantoms of those wounds; the stones bruising my hands and feet, breaking my nose and blackening my eyes, the sharp edges of knives, swords, even axes cutting deep into my flesh and piercing my intestines, the blade of a knife scraping my scalp as they shaved my head, the fire burning my flesh, the noose around my neck, the water filling my lungs.

“I will never stop fighting, I will never cease to heal, I will never turn my back.”

Voice after voice rang in my ears, voices of men and women who were all once me, and I them. It brought me back to a day when I was on my way to work, I received a download of a memory from long ago. I was to be hung on the accusation of witchcraft, I was given one last chance to repent, and as I looked onto the crowd I took in every single face of the village. People I had known my whole life, children that I had helped to bring into the world, people I had nursed back to health, men whose battle wounds I had tended; there was some piety in their eyes, but it was mostly fear.

I began to tell them how I forgave each and every one of them, whether they had accused me or convicted me, whether they had remained silent or whether they defended me, whether they had ever spoken a harsh word or had returned my smiles, I forgave them. I knew I was not the first nor would I be the last, and when I came back to this Earth to return to my work, I would not return with hate in my heart, but with greater compassion for people just like them. Because it was people like me that people like them needed the most.

The Goddess went on to tell me that I was safe, that those wounds of the past did not need to come into the future with me as they had no place here in the present. She told me not to worry about how today would go, to simply go with an open heart and that things would be all right.

As much learning and re-membering that has been taking place for me recently, it’s always reassuring to me know that I have the support of the Universe. As much as I know that my guides are always with me, to have this experience with ‘real talk’ with the Goddess was something truly special.

I’m beginning to see how much in my own way that I can get, and how sometimes all it takes is slowing down, and simply BEing who and what I am. It’s been a couple of months since I have done a full moon ritual centered around release, but I think this upcoming full moon in Sagittarius is the perfect opportunity.

I am excited to say that the two individuals I mentioned earlier will be joining me, and have expressed their interest and desire to take this journey with me. It truly is an incredible honor to be in a place of service, it really does make my heart soar. 

Image from Pinterest

I AM a Healer 

I DO Provide Guidance

I AM a Priestess

Be

I

Am


Never shy away from who you are, the world needs you.

Do not be discouraged if you are still discovering who and what you are.

You are powerful, you are wise, you are capable.


~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

As We Grow

Hey there loves,

Over this last year I have talked a lot about the struggles I have faced, my doubts and my insecurities and how helpless everything has felt at times. I have shared some of my darkest moments with strangers whom I might never meet, I have been vulnerable through an empty screen not because it's easier to do than to be with so with people, but because this blog really has turned into a giant mirror for me. 

Writing has provided this incredible opportunity to take a long hard look and to face the emotions and thoughts that might not have a voice otherwise. I'll be the first to admit that for a long time I struggled with what I should be writing about because I just had trouble finding the words. 

I would start off well enough and then something would happen, ranging from up setting to traumatic, and simply taking the time to process it through before coming back always felt necessary. Looking back through my postings it seems that there are far fewer instances where I have shared something on the lighter side of my life because in truth, writing has always been a tool in which to process my experiences and I think it's fair to say that our more difficult experiences are those that require that time and that energy to get through them. 

Because when we experience something positive, we live it with ease, perhaps even excitement. I think others would agree that when we have a positive experience that it flows through us, we don't always stop to think how it's going to affect us moving forward; unlike when we experience something painful.

This past week I had my last session with the individual I had been seeing not only for my mental health, but for my spiritual health as well. For the better part of a year I had been seeing this healer speaking to them on topics ranging all over my life, and by the end of our session it was apparent to both of us that I was in possibly the best shape I have ever been in. 

They recalled our first session and how emotional it was for the both of us. I remember sitting in that chair across from them just as I was then, and feeling so safe despite having not developed a relationship with them at that point. I remembered crying so openly and feeling the love and support and an unspeakable trust that this was the person that was going to help me find myself again. 

I was filled with this strange combination of feeling that I was ready to essentially go on without them, and yet not wanting to be finished. I had been able to make so much progress with their support and guidance that I was almost hesitant to trust that inner knowing that told me I was ready. 

It took some time to sink in that I was in fact ready to take that next step forward. I had spent so much of this last year working towards very specific goals and now that those goals have been reached, there was an opportunity for the question, 'now what?'

But there wasn't. Instead I was able to embrace the gratitude I felt in my heart for this amazing person who showed me how best to help myself, and how to truly listen when Spirit spoke to me. My last session with them was the first in over a month due to a much needed sabbatical they were called to. During that time I was given the chance to take everything that they had taught me and really run with it, and it led me to finding new avenues to pursue. It also provided me with an opportunity to really show myself how ready I am for this next step.

Normally about this time is when fear and anxiety would kick in, and I would begin to think how much of a mistake it was to agree to end the sessions. Or I would be worried and confused about what exactly 'the next step' is supposed to be. 

Rather than that being the case, I feel at peace, I feel ready and excited to take that next step even though I know that it's going to be a short while before I begin the next leg of my journey. In an attempt not be to impatient, I'm allowing myself the time to process how much I've accomplished, and give myself a chance to take a deep breath and rest peacefully in my triumphs. 

For the first time in what seems like so long, I feel a sense of genuine peace, not because I think I'm healed and can put the past behind me. But because I trust the tools I have been given and because I trust that I know how to use them. I know my path and I trust that I am being guided to those who will help me along the way. 

It's a remarkable feeling, I hope that this feeling will only grow stronger, just as I grow stronger.

image from Poem Porn

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Full Moon in Virgo Tarot Reading

Hey there loves, 

If you have been with me before then this might appear a bit different to you. In a slightly unintentional move while attempting some editing, I ended up deleting all of the pages I've had on my blog; most of which had been deactivated but were still visible, in an effort to remove them, I ended up removing the page where the Monthly Tarot Card used to be.

Rather then attempting to recreate it and to redo the page with every new card, for the time being, I have decided to simply add the Full Moon Tarot Card each month as a regular post, this way those who wish to do so will be able to go back through previous postings and see previous card readings.

With all of that being said! If you are new with me, I have been pulling a monthly tarot card for the majority of my time blogging, and recently felt called to pull during the full moon of each month rather than at the beginning of the month.

When I pull a card, I pull for the general collective, for anyone who either follows my blog on a regular basis or maybe they just check in from time to time. I always smudge myself and my cards before a reading to ensure that not only am I focused but that I am in sacred space to allow the energy and flow of the messages are clear and concise from Spirit.

The deck that I will be using for these monthly card readings is the Oceanic Tarot by Jayne Wallace.

Card: The Vortex
Keywords: Illusions, Temptation

Before I jump into this, I want to openly acknowledge that I am roughly a week behind the full moon, as I stated about, I had this all ready to go and in a twist of fate or humor depending on how you choose to look at it, I lost everything I had written about this reading.

I became frustrated with it all and decided to wait until I had a clear head to really convey the message of this card. And if I'm being completely honest, I think it really worked out in the long run because I've been able to spend this time reflecting on how this card is as much a reminder for me as it is for everyone who is going to see this.

One thing I want to point out about this card is that in the traditional tarot, this card would be the Devil card. However, I feel like the message is so similar that it's almost too on the button, but I think that's how things are when they really hit home.

The Vortex shows to Merfolk caught in an underwater tempest with no real way of knowing if they are capable of making it out or not. I feel that this reflects life a lot of times, or rather, how we view life a lot of the time.

"If it's not one shit show, it's another." Translates to, "If it's not one storm, it's another."

It's tempting to maintain the illusion of continuously being stuck inside of a storm, going from one problem to the next, having to deal with this bullshit here and that bullshit there, when is it ever going to let up?

What this card is asking us to do is to really be honest with ourselves and to break free of the illusion of blame. So often we end up blaming other people for the situations that we find ourselves in, and we do this to the point where we end up refusing to take any form of responsibility. Thus feeding the Vortex, and keeping us in a place of perpetual unhappiness.

The Vortex is asking us to cut the crap and to really be open with ourselves when it comes to the extent of making our own hell. The only person keeping us trapped in that space is ourselves, and the only one who can free us, is ourselves.

When we look at the card we can see the two Merfolk not even close to each other, and yet they wouldn't be able to help each other escape if they can't even get themselves out first.

We encounter so many situations that test our patience, our resolve, our strength; no one said that life was easy. We only have control over ourselves, and how we chose to react to the obstacles that enter our path. That's not to say to never get angry or frustrated, that's just part of the human package, the trick is to not stay in that place.

If you allow yourself to stew and dwell in the negative spaces, that's all you'll be able to see because that is all you will attract to yourself. Leaving the Vortex can be difficult, but it's not impossible. Again, it all comes down to choice.

With the Spring Equinox just a couple of days away and the New Moon following the next week, this is a prime opportunity to really ask yourself, what kind of vortex have I created for myself, and am I ready to leave?

There is no shame in taking it one day at a time, we all learned how to walk one step at a time. Making the choice every single day is a big step in and of itself.

I genuinely feel that this card and this message came up now because so many of us are already on the path to making this kind of change. I also genuinely believe that when I pull these cards for the collective (meaning anyone who sees this posting) needs this message at exactly the time that they find this reading.

It feel like the world is being shaken awake, and this is part of our wake up call, as individuals who are on the path, or perhaps folks who are trying to find the path. This is for you, this is the Universe telling you that you deserve better and all you have to do is believe that it's true and start treating yourself like you deserve better.

Until next time loves,
be sure to take good care,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Starting From the Bottom

Evening loves,

Oh man, today was not an easy day. I haven't talked about my 'day job' here much, mostly because I never felt the need, but something about the combination of the day brought about so much frustration and feelings of resentment and the decision to no longer remain silent.

Not that I feel any particular need to rant and rave about my job, because in truth, I love my job. I love the people I work with, I love the environment, there's very little that I usually complain about. However, there has been a steady decrease in my passion for my place of employment over the last couple of months, and it's very easily contributed to a very specific source.

Up until now I had believed that in time it would work itself out, and all that I needed to do was to stay focused, continue to be me, just do my thing and help out where I am needed because that's just the type of person that I am; and it's not that I don't see people taking notice, it's not that I don't see people very near desperation in their attempts to 'fix' things, I see all of it. But none of it seemed to really matter, not today.

I've been asking myself all day, why today was the day that I finally hit my 'breaking point'. Why was it today that made so much of a difference for me, and why I decided that it was time to speak up, and speak out.

I kept coming back to the same answer, which strangely enough, had nothing to do with my actual job. If today had had one thing missing, I am willing to bet that I would have been able to go on for some time before coming to the point where I am now. Today I dealt with an unexpected visitor; PTSD.

I've talked before about my struggles with not only accepting that I was experiencing PTSD, but some of the tools I've used to help me cope. I'll leave that link here in case anyone is curious or perhaps is in need of some suggestions. Tools and Resources; Healing from Sexual Assault.

It's been some time since I have what I call an 'episode' regarding PTSD, and admittedly, I thought that I was over it. I thought that I had moved past that particular part in my healing process where unexpected triggers were no longer an issue. I was wrong.

Today was a busy day, we were short staffed, I was working to do two people's jobs and the person I was working with has been so stressed out for so long that they are seeking medical attention because they are in consistent physical discomfort.

I knew what the day before me held and I felt confident that I could do everything that was needed of me, I had a game plan in mind and I was going about my day the way I had hoped and expected that I would. Until I saw someone who threw it all out the window. One of my rapists now ex-roommates.

They had been in only a hand full of times altogether and we had even exchanged pleasantries the last time I had seen them. But seeing them today reminded me very much of the first time they came into my building, in which I experienced a full on panic attack as I was alone and frankly had no idea that I would see them or had any inkling of how to handle a panic attack.

The panic and anxiety that I had experienced came not so much from the person, but from the lack of knowing if said person would then go and tell my attacker where I worked, when they had seen me, basically all those things that you simply don't want your rapist to know.

The panic and anxiety that I felt today was more then just unexpected or unwelcomed, it felt unfounded in its presence. All at once I began to think back to when I was prepping for trial and I asked about the two witnesses that would be called forward. Even though they had no clue what had been taking place, they were still considered 'present' during the attack, had been interviewed by police and therefore would provide testimony, one way or the other. I remember my lawyer paraphrasing what they had told the police,

"That's so unlike him."
"I can't believe she would say that about him."

Those two phrases rang in my mind over and over again, and I couldn't help but wonder, why didn't they believe me?

It didn't matter that I barely knew them, and that of course they were friends with him. As shallow and sexiest as it might be, the justification that sprung up was, "I'm a girl, of course they should believe me."

None of it felt right, none of it felt like me. The sickening feeling that perhaps this person harbored ill feelings towards me because I sent their 'friend' to jail. That for whatever reason, I was somehow unbelievable. The possibility that in their minds was the potential belief that somehow I had 'made up' what had happened to and now XYZ was happening in their life, because of me.

I told myself over and over again that their world is so much bigger than me, that any number of things could be happening with them, and that's why they didn't feel like talking. That they refused to even look in my direction if they thought that I might catch them.

None of it seemed to matter, the feelings of disgrace, hurt, and even shame refused to leave for hours on end. I tried to remind myself that I had sent my rapist to jail, and that it was over, there was nothing that could be said to undo what has been done. Which lead to a train of thought even worse.

What if this person thought I was lying because I took 'the easy way out' and agreed to a plea deal rather then insisting that the case go to trial. Was the sentence he received 'too light'? Did those few years behind bars really fit the crime that was committed? How could I have been so selfish to agree to a plea deal? If I had been strong enough to withstand trail, I could have shown everyone how much damage had really been done, I could have had my side of the story told so everyone would know without a shadow of a doubt that I was incapable of saying yes, I could have made them all see.

Then I started thinking about what my lawyer had said about potential pitfalls of trial; how nothing was guaranteed, how even though he ended up with less then half of the max, he could have been given only probation rather than serve any jail time.

The whole thing made me sick, and frustrated, it just made me want to cry. It took me some time but I was finally able to ask myself, why does it matter so much if one or two or even one hundred people don't believe you?

The obvious answer to me was, 'because it happened.'

I began to understand that, the fact is that not everyone is going to believe me when and if they ever learn what I went through. I began to realize that some people are simply never going to believe it. And that is their choice, that's their baggage.

The fact is also that there are people who do believe me, and it was and is the right people who believe me that should matter to me most. The police, the DA, the judge, my friends, my family, my amazing boyfriend; they believed me then, and they believe me now.

As all of this swam around in my mind and I tried to hold onto the grounded feeling I typically possess, I remembered something. I remembered going to a visit a family member, and sitting outside in their backyard, ready to go into the whole thing with them. I was barely at the beginning when they said the most profound thing that had been and has been said to me;

I believe you.

Those simple words were the most powerful, the most comforting and the most reassuring that anyone said to me. It was those words ringing in my ears that brought me to the realization and the acceptance that regardless of this one individual that had been in front of me for less then two minutes, that the right people had believed me, and that in the long run, this person was and is inconsequential.

I wish that I could sit here and tell you that, if you are currently or ever will be or ever have been where I am now, that you will never have to experience this sense of doubt and confusion. I wish that I could tell you that justice is handed out more often then it is, and that the path to justice is a quick and easy one. But I can't.

What I can tell you is that I don't regret any of it. I don't regret going to the police, or to the hospital, or spending those seemingly endless days waiting to hear what would or would not happen next. I don't regret going before grand jury, and I don't regret making the plea deal. I made what I believed to be the best decision, and I don't regret agreeing to lessen the sentence from Rape I to Sexual Assault II. I don't regret acknowledging that person today, despite how much more difficult my day was because of it.

Even in my weakest moments, I stand up and I stand proud of every decision I have made in my journey to justice, because it did bring me justice. I got closure from attending his sentencing, and I am not going to stand down from doing the bare minimum that my job requires because I might not want to see a particular person.

I am a stronger person every single day that I choose to be happy and grateful for the life that I have, because I have worked damn hard for it. Today was a struggle and I didn't feel at my best, and it's upsetting to me that I didn't feel as though I was in a position to give it as much I could have. But the important thing is that I tried. Every single day that I get up and I choose happiness, joy and gratitude, every day that I choose to try, that's what truly matters.

My dears, the very thought that any one else has endured or could potentially endure this level of suffering and self-loathing breaks my heart. I wish with all of my might that I could hear your story, however much you are willing to tell, look you in your eyes, and tell you that I believe you. That I believe in you. That you are too precious, and too valuable to allow others to bring you down.

I know it can be hard to believe in yourself some times, and even if you experience moments when you don't, it's okay. It's okay to feel the hurt, it's okay to cry, it's okay to want to give up some times, because we're only human. We can only take so much before it becomes too much.

Wherever you are, whatever you're going through, please know that there is someone out there who understands what you are going through, who wants nothing but the best for you, and who holds such a great love and respect for you, because look how far you've come; just think about how much further you can go if you get up and try again tomorrow.

I realize that I may be just some strange woman on the internet whose blog you stumbled upon or perhaps someone shared it with you because they thought, whatever it is that they thought. I want you to know that I see you, not through my eyes perhaps, but through my heart and soul, and I want you to know more then anything else, that I believe you. I believe in you. You got this sweetheart.


All of my love,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Destruction Before Creation/A Star is Born

Hello loves,

On this particular evening I am sitting in the comfort of my home, hunkered down as a winter storm begins with the knowledge that I will be more or less 'stuck' for the next couple of days. Winter storms are not necessarily unusual for this time of year, however, the fact that this will be the third time within the last three weeks that we will have snow fall, is quite unusual for this area.

I intend to take the time away from work and traditional responsibilities to enjoy the quiet, and to simply with with myself as much as I can. As I mentioned in my previous post, I tend to shut down and go inward during this time, and this provides the perfect atmosphere to do so. In addition, it has provided me with some time to consider how I wanted to approach this topic, my tarot card for 2017.

(I feel like I should warn you, this is going to be a long one.)

Last year my card was The Tower, which inspired the title for this posting, as that was the phrase or mantra that I adopted for the year. As working with a tarot card for an entire year is a relatively new practice for me, the first year I did so, I wasn't entirely sure how to go about 'working with' said card. More often then not, I couldn't find what I considered to be legitimate connections between the message of the card and my every day life, last year was much different.

At the beginning of the year, I broke off an unhealthy relationship, which was a first for me. It took a meditation with a goddess to give me the push I needed. But once that fire was lit within me, I began to see more clearly the areas of my life where I had put other's first, where I really should have been more considerate of myself.

I realized how even though ending the relationship would be uncomfortable and even painful to a certain degree, I understood deep into my bones how continuing would only cause more damage, not just to myself but to my partner at the time.

That bridge had to be destroyed in order to make room for my current relationship; healthy, proactive, compassionate, genuine and challenging to be the best partner I can be.

I switched gears and entered into a profession that I believed I would be successful in, only to find out that I did not have an affinity for it at all. To top it off, I had been recently hired when I was attacked and due to the nature of the job, I was forced to quit, without the option to return to the position I had been in prior to leaving.

It took a couple of months, but because I decided to take a chance of myself, I was able to enter into a brand new field (to me at least) and I ended up with better hours, and a higher pay rate that my previous two employers.

In the beginning of my healing process, I followed my instinct to receive professional help that also integrated my spiritual path. Finding the right person to work with took some time, but the work that I knew we would be able to accomplish together was worth the wait.

In the time it took to get in touch with my mentor, teacher, and healer, I also learned how much inner strength I truly possess. As much support that I had, there was so much that I had to do on my own, work that only I could do for myself, and in doing so, I readied myself for the work I would do later on.

There were times last year where I forgot who I was, where I felt utterly destroyed and broken: because I was. The person I had known before was gone; I remembered being her, I remembered her easy laugh and her seemingly endless compassion and understanding, I remembered how much she wanted to be a rock for the people around her. But I had lost her, she was like the shadow of a dream that could be so scarcely felt, and the feeling of that previous me, was shattered, was hollow, was just, not there anymore.

Even now it's difficult to look back and remember those months where Purgatory had come to Earth and I seemed to be its sole occupant. Flip the coin over however, and it's encouraging to know how much progress I have made in taking back my life, to know how much will power, resolve, determination, and drive I possess, all of which no one can give or take away, that are truly part of who I am as a person, regardless of what happens in my life.

In addition to the Tower being my tarot card for 2016, numerologically, it was also a 9 year. A year for tying up loose ends, a year for endings, for completion, a year to let go of so much...

I wrote numerous times last year about how long it the year seemed, how weeks and months felt like years in and of themselves, September especially was quite a challenging month. By the time the holidays came, it didn't feel quite real, like some how I had actually made it to the end of 2016, and I couldn't have been more grateful to put that year behind me.

If you're curious how to find this information and/or if you are new to numerology (I am certainly no expert) - you take the year, 2017 and you add each number individually. In this case, the sequence would look like this:

2+0+1+7= 10
1+0= 1

To find your tarot card for the year, you would take your birth month and day, and the current year. So for example, this is how I have found mine:

1+2+3+1+2+0+1+7= 17

I would then locate the seventh card in the Major Arcana, and this year my card is, The Star.

As I was reading about The Star, in one of the companion's for one of my decks, the refer to the numerological counter part of the Star, which happened to be Strength. I also decided to look at last years card and the numerological counter part of the Tower which was The Hanged Man.

I decided to revisit last year's card and its counter part. Maybe it's the fact that last year is behind me, or maybe it's because I'm in a place where I am ready to see from a fresh perspective, regardless of why, each card so clearly describes the trials and miracles of 2016.

With The Tower depicting the utter destruction and loss that I experience, to the feelings of dread, helplessness, and inability to move forward that are depicted in the Hanged Man. Rather than focusing on the darkness that I found myself in, with the help of my loved ones, my guides spirit and otherwise, I was able to find and fight for the possibility of creation, to find the calm within myself to make the decision to go after my attacker through the uncertainty of the justice system.

Because I had nothing else to hold on to, I chose to believe that even though I had suffered such a horrific event, that the Universe truly was protecting me, and that justice would be served. I chose to believe that despite the tear filled journey to recovery, that there was a greater purpose in place, and that some how, I would make the most of what happened to through helping others who experienced the same horrors.

Turning now towards the future, to The Star and to its counter part Strength, I am prepared to open myself fully to the healing and the magic of the Universe. I am prepared to take the next step in welcoming to love and the gifts of the Universe because I know now more than ever that I am worthy of such things.

In the DruidCraft Tarot, they make the connection of the woman pictured in The Star to the Celtic goddess Brigidh, the same goddess who lit the fire within me, the first goddess whose energy I felt as a child, and the goddess whom I feel the most connection to, as she is a goddess of Healing Water and Sacred Flame.

Cards and Counter Parts from the DruidCraft Tarot

The Star speaks of embracing the healing waters, and accepting the sacred protection that is offered by the Universe in all things. It speaks of fueling the creative spirit and allowing yourself to receive all that has been waiting for you. It is a direct sign from your guides, on the physical and spiritual plane that you are on the right path, and to trust your intuition. Lessons have been learned, scars have been earned, and now is the time to allow hope to bloom within one's heart, because that's where dreams are made.

The Star's counter part Strength refers to not just a boost in physical vitality, but of emotional endurance; having faced such strong oppositions, positioning yourself into a strong mental position. Retaining composure, and compassion while standing your ground.

A quote from the Oceanic Tarot about the card Strength, "What opposes you is lower then you are..."

Cards and Counter Parts from the Oceanic Tarot

This quote speaks volumes to me, and reminds me of all that I have risen above, and how I continue to do so by staying true to who I am, my needs, and my path.

Even now within just the first two weeks of 2017, I already feel the weight of the past year alleviated. Depending in who you ask, numerologically 2017 is a 1/10 year. A year of new beginnings, of mastery.

Going into this year there is already so much to be grateful for, so much potential already taking shape in the physical realm.

I have my first performance review with my new employer which could very well result in a pay raise.  As I mentioned before, withing the next couple of weeks I will be celebrating the first year of my relationship with an amazing man, with whom I will be taking the next step and building a home together. I will continue my training and healing with my current teacher and mentor as well as beginning official Reiki training, in addition I will be seeking a mentor and teacher to help take my tarot reading to the next level.

And that's only what I have in mind until roughly March or April. I think it goes without saying that I hope to be able to keep up with this blog all throughout the year, and perhaps even begin a new adventure.

This year is bright and young and perhaps for the first time, I am in fact ready to be in a happy, healthy, prosperous, and productive place; mind, body, and soul.

I hope all of you are just as excited about this year as I am.

Brightest Blessings to you all,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Samhain Crossroads

Hey there lovelies,

 A couple of weeks back I shared my second book review, and was prepared and ready to sit down and write my article on Samhain just like I have for the last few holidays, and as you can see, I did not.

In the end I felt called to spend the day quietly with my boyfriend, reflecting and embracing the changes that have come my way, the difficulties of the earlier part of the year, and how I intended to spend the remainder of the calendar year.

At the beginning of this year I was excited and motivated, and determined that 2015 would be my year. It has definitely been on of the most difficult years of my short life, admittedly a lot of the struggles I faced were self made, and thus the majority of this year has been about taking responsibility and finding ways to regroup, amend, and move forward.

These are subjects that I have spoken of in the past, and I suspect that the journey is just beginning. Three and a half years ago my world collapsed and I was forced to start fresh. It was a necessary trial and I wouldn't necessarily say I'm grateful for the pain that was endured, but it did place me in a position to begin working through the negativity and way of life that kept me frozen; chained to those around me. I had built my life around people, and once they were gone I didn't remember what life was like before them.

This past year held a similar lesson. This past year has been a challenge to face certain truths about myself, and learning how I possess all the power I could ever need to live any kind of life I choose.

The struggles, the mistakes, the hiding away-they were all conscious decisions I made because I believed myself too weak to choose better for myself.

Maintaining this mentality that I have complete control over my life, that I choose everything about this life is not an easy task, and in fact it's painful some times-but it's always temporary.

I've made jokes in the past about faith being a crutch, about how if I had known how difficult it can be to believe this way, how I might have chosen differently.

But what I have come to realize it that the pain, the uncertainty, and the self doubt are really just growing pains.

Per tradition, I meditated on Samhain and traveled to ancient Greece to meet with Hecate, goddess of the Crossroads and Gate Keeper to the Underworld.

During this meeting she showed me the various crossroads of my life and how for the most part, I had chosen to walk blindly or simply not taken the time to consider my direction. She then took me to the current crossroad before me and left me with a single torch to light my way.

After some consideration I made my choice and walked along the path for some time before coming to what appeared to be a door. Sitting a few feet ahead of the door stood a black dog, a messenger from the goddess. I knelt down to eye level with the dog and reached out my hand but before I could touch it, the dog turned and and ran through the door just as a ghost might pass through a wall. I stood back up unsure of how to proceed. It was then that I felt something cold on my chest and looked down to find a simple skeleton key tied to a ribbon around my neck. Looking back to the door I took a step forward and another until I too passed through the door without so much as looking for a knob or handle.

On the other side of the door she stood, her helper by her side. She explained to me how I have always held the key to my hearts desires and simple had to decide to go after them, regardless of what might lie in front of me. She pointed behind me and when I followed her gaze, the door was gone as if it never was.

The door was a symbol for all of the road blocks we create for ourselves because we're afraid of what the other side might look like.

If you've been with me for any amount of time, then you know that fear is something that I have struggled with releasing for a long time.

I used to get really down on myself for being and doing all of the things that I knew stood in my way-for standing in my own way.

But I've been learning how to be proud, and to be grateful for the progress I've made, because I have made progress. I have not stopped growing, I have not stopped learning, and in that process, I have learned to be grateful. Truly grateful.

As we head into the dark time of the year, our ancestors would turn inward; not just physically but magically also. In the past few months I have been focusing on the phases of the moon, and how best to work with the energy of each phase.

I have done so much shadow work, so much release and now I think it is time for me to focus on healing and manifesting my gratitude. I will also spend this time examining how I wish to grow and what I would like to perhaps incorporate into my path.

I hope that Samhain was spent in good company, in the physical realm as well as spiritual. May the God and Goddess keep you and yours during this dark time of year until the Sun's great rebirth at Yule.

Sending you and yours light and love,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn

The Autumn Equniox

Hey there lovelies,

I am excited to write and share with you about this next turn of the wheel. It wasn't too long ago that we wandered through the mysteries of Lughnasadh, and now as we approach the second of the three harvest festivals, a lot of us here in the pagan community begin to look back on the previous year and take time to reflect on what seeds were planted that prospered and grew, and which ones did not.

Over the last several weeks I've heard a lot of folks refer to this holiday in a couple of different ways, all of which I thought would be fun to share with you here.

First, which is of course an alternative name to this holiday, which is Mabon, pronounced may-bon. There are several ways to pronounce this name, so don't be surprised if you see some variations here and there. There was some debate for a time whether or not the name Mabon was really connected to the holiday or not, but as the name came from a harvest deity, much like Lughnasadh, for one reason or another it stuck.

If you're curious about this Welsh god and his story, I found a great rendition by a fellow blogger, Meadowsweet and Myrrh.

The second was a comparison to the three harvest festivals; Lughnasadh, Mabon and Samhain, as the three phases of the goddess; maiden, mother and crone.

When Lughnasadh arrives it's the first harvest and the maiden has taken that ultimate step into womanhood by becoming pregnant (either literally or figuratively with the crops of the Earth.) Come Mabon the crops have been reaped and she prepares for the next stage of her life, and the long winter she knows is coming and thus transitions to the phase of the crone by Samhain. At Samhain she welcomes her death and ultimate rebirth during the time of year when the veil between the physical world and the spiritual world is the thinnest.

The third concept that I heard recently was the comparison of Mabon with Thanksgiving. This one took me a little by surprise. Whether you are brand new to the path or are well weathered, most of us know by now that the sacred holidays we celebrate are quite common place these days, the majority of them having been Christianized in one way or another in the middle ages. But Thanksgiving is not one of them.

So as I was reading a few different articles, the idea really clicked with me and I've decided to spend this year celebrating this autumn equinox as a pagan Thanksgiving. A time to spend with my loved ones and circle members, to reflect on the fruits of my labors, to put to rest the dreams or goals that didn't pan out that they might return to me at a later time, or simply as a lesson well learned.

Now, what is so special about the autumn equinox? Why do we take the time to recognize this time of year?

Glad you asked!

In the Wheel of the Year, we have what are called the cross quarter days, meaning that we have four days to mark the beginning of each season and therefore, divide up the year into-you guessed it, quarters. When you line up these days they tend to make a cross like symbol, one light diagonally across, and one vertical line.

We have the two solstices, Summer and Winter, and we have two equinoxes, Spring and Autumn.

During the solstices, we have the longest day of the year (Summer) and we have the longest night of the year (Winter). With the equinoxes, the day and night time hours are equal in length, making it quite the magical time, encouraging us to seek balance and harmony as we make the transition from light to dark, from dark to light, and back again.

This particular equinox falls on September 23rd which is a little bit later than usual as it typically falls between the 20th and the 22nd of the month. It's also going to pack a bit more of a punch since we are currently in Mercury Retrograde.  This retrograde began on the 17th and runs through October 9th. If you're new to the dance of Mercury Retrograde, I would encourage you to read the article I wrote back in January on my Facebook page. I also recently wrote about the current retrogrades and how that might be affecting us all through the rest of the year. Here's a link to that for you as well.

Up until the 23rd our lovely sun is in the sign of Virgo, but come the equinox, she shifts into the sign of Libra. A sign universally recognized for balance. If you're curious what to expect from this retrograde, I would encourage you to check out this article I found, it definitely paints a happier picture than most do concerning Mercury's retrograde.

So how does one go about celebrating such a day? Well, for that I found a couple of great sites with some fun and easy suggestions, as well as some specifics if you're wanting to incorporate something in particular.

I know this article was from last year, but it still has some great ideas that can be done individually or in a group setting, you can even do both if you so desire! Huff Post: Religion.

The Celtic Connection is a really great resource for all sorts of goodies, especially if you don't have a your own copy of books such as Autumn Equinox by Ellen Dugan or Supermarket Magic-both of which I highly recommend.

If this is your first year celebrating and you're looking for something small and informal to simply connect with the energies of the day, weather permitting, take a walk outside in a local park or in your neighborhood. It's a great way to not only get out in nature to feel the natural balance of things, but depending on where you live you might already be seeing some of the affects of this time of year.

Mabon is a time where you take account of the fruits of your labor and you celebrate your accomplishments. I think that it's something we should all be doing more often, in general. We're at a time in our society where we are constantly trying to achieve more, trying to do better, trying to get to that next peg on the ladder to wherever it is that we're trying to get; and we lose track of the progress we've made and all of the things that we've conquered along the way.

Before you take that walk, or maybe once you're there, take a notebook and pen/pencil with you and write down all of the achievements you've claimed this year. And as you walk, pick up a leaf, a pebble or an acorn orpine cone to represent each of those things.

For example if you're in school, pick up a representation for each good grade you got, or each paper and/or project that you're proud of.

 Also, don't be afraid to write down the goals that didn't work out. Now is the time to leave them behind; to release the energy you invested into them back into the Universe so that it may return to you for better uses. When you return from your walk, set out your collection in a space where you will see them often, on your desk, night table, or alter. With the 'crops that didn't bear fruit' take the list and invite your guides, your angels, and the deities that you connect with most, or that you would like to honor during this time to come witness as you release those things. You can burn that part of your list with a candle, or in a heat safe container. Which ever method you choose, always practice fire safety. You can also bury the list if you so choose, just make sure it's buried deep enough that a critter won't mistake it for food.

One recipe that I found recently isn't entirely a Mabon tradition, but it sounded too good not to share, I know I cannot wait to make this a seasonal tradition. Who doesn't love the sound of Sparkling Cider Pound Cake? To be honest, it sounds like something you should be able to order at Starbucks around the holidays, but I think making it is more fun.

One character that you'll see mentioned during this time of year is John Barleycorn or Jonny Barleycorn. When broken down, it is a tale regarding the process of making beer, and depending on which version of the song/story you read it can be quite graphic. You can read a little bit about the legend here.

But there is a really important message in good ol' Barleycorn's tale. Sometimes in life, you have to make sacrifices. It's not always the easy choice, and more often then not, it's painful but it's a necessary part of life.

I was talking with my new boyfriend the other day about this time of year, as naturally I am introducing him to this way of life, and when I told him that autumn was my favorite time of year, something made me stop to think about why.

Don't get me wrong, I love sweaters, and slippers, scarves, pumpkins and pumpkin flavored just about anything, so many different kinds of soup, the changing of the leaves...

The changing of the leaves is always a sure sign the winter is on the way; a time of quiet, or reflection, the physical death of most trees and plants. Why would that be something that I take pleasure in?

I then realized that there is beauty to the end of things. There is something magical and mystical and comforting knowing that there is a form of closure to everything. It's a subtle reminder that death is part of the natural order of things. Nature does it in a way that's beautiful, and filled with a kind of comfort.

Things need perish and be let go of to make way for new life, and new opportunities. The Earth understands this, and does this out of pure necessity. If you're struggling with something like this, which trust me, we have all been there-reach out to the deities who are connected with this time, with this season and allow them to shower you with love and perspective and invite them to help you with the upcoming transitions.

I hope that this equinox brings you much joy, much clarity and much needed balance.

Sending light and love to you all dears,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn

The Green Light

Hello lovies,

Not too long ago I wrote about the current planetary retrogrades and how they might be affecting us here on Earth which you can read about here if you haven't already. I've heard from several people how much better they feel having at least an idea of where some of the changes in their life are stemming from-which is what I had hoped for.

But I never expected that they would create such a clear road map for my own life, and ultimately push me into making some very unexpected changes within myself.

The biggest retrograde that seems to have everyone talking right now seems to be Venus, which goes direct again on September 6th, so we've got some time left with that one, and with Uranus not going direct until December 26th, we've got changes coming our way for the remainder of the year.

It sounds daunting, there's no arguing that. And with this being an eight year which suggests prosperity and abundance, I don't know that anyone thought there would be an abundance of change.

I knew that I would be going into this year with hope and determination and that I was going to make 2015 my year. And up until recently I felt like I was still trying to figure out how to make that happen, and in some ways I think I was waiting for it also.

If you've been keeping up with my blog you know that there has been no lack of changes taking place, and some of the changes haven't exactly brought on the warm and fuzzies; but because of those experiences it's encouraged me to react with more positive changes and in doing so I'm receiving a clearer picture of who I am, where I'm going, and what it is I am here to do.

It's been about four months since I've moved now and since that time I've been receiving fairly regular messages and signs from the Universe about the number one thing in my life that needed changing.

It was a change that I ultimately felt conflicted about and despite having moments of clarity and resolve, I was unsuccessful in implementing the change that needed to take place. It became such a struggle for me that eventually when I had a moment to myself I released all of the frustration, anger and resentment that was being fed by my ego through tears of sheer vulnerability. I prayed to the gods to simply take the burden from me since I felt that I was not strong enough to handle this task by myself.

I really just left it up to the Universe on what I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to handle this change because every thing I had tried up until that point just hadn't worked.

And then seemingly out of nowhere, I was presented with an opportunity to once and for all let it all go. That's not to say that it was a painless release, but the truth of the matter is that it was going to be painful regardless of when or how. And if I wasn't going to make this change at the time I was presented with, I simply wasn't ever going to.

It really came down to giving myself a chance at something I deserved and something that I had been holding out for. That's not to say I wasn't cautious and I certainly wasn't invested in the potential outcomes, I was simply open to it.

Besides, how many of us can honestly say that when the gods are doing everything short of a light show to get your attention and repeatedly giving signs that not even a blind man would miss, are you really going to ignore that?

Today is the day that the sun traveled into the sign  of Virgo which promotes action and taking initiative. So if you've been putting of that change that you know you're supposed to make; this is your green light.

I've said it before, and I doubt this will be the last time, change can be scary. Terrifying even. But we can here to LIVE not merely exist or survive as best we can until the inevitable end.

I took the biggest chance of my life so far, and it has left me feeling free, and light and full of joy. I don't know what the future holds, but I am excited and ready to take this journey and to not take it alone.

Earlier this year I said goodbye to love, and just a few short days ago, I said hello again.

What is it that has been knocking at your door, tapping on your window, whispering to your heart?

In light and love my dears,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn

In Dreams

Hello lovies,

I had a dream not to long before I made this huge decision to offer readings in a public, professional form, which you can now find here. It was something that at the time was relative enough to the path I've been on, and the progress I've made on that path, but it didn't sink in until the Solstice how much deeper this dream went.

I knew that I wanted to share this dream right away, but I also wanted to take my time getting back into the groove of this blog, and with writing rather than blurting out and publishing every thought that I have.

This post alone as been added to several times, mostly because of timing. I will say that it is quite rare for me to hold on to a post for as long as I have, but I am happy that I did so. 

Without further ado...

Earlier in the REM cycle I experienced a dream and the only thing I can remember about it was that in my dream state, I concluded that the meaning of this dream was that I had been trying to approach things the same way or do things the same way and that things were simply not working so I simply needed to changed them...Okay.

This second dream, I had given birth to a baby girl, and my mother was with me. In her motherly duties she was preparing for the baby to baptized and made an official member of the church. (Just to be clear my family is not Catholic, those who fall under the Christian umbrella are mostly Baptist. But all the same.)

At point point it was even discussed that I would go through the baptism-which in my dream I was uncomfortable with being that I've never been baptized in the physical plane and dream me knew this, dream me was not keen on the idea.

I could feel myself panicking because even though I have nothing against baptism, it simply wasn't something I wanted. I began to feel as though I wold have no say in my daughter's life, I mean, the kid was just born why not wait until she knows what it means and then let her decide?

When my mother returned to take my daughter to be baptized, I told her no. I looked straight at my mother and told her that I didn't want to raise my daughter that way, that I wouldn't allow it.

I spent some time considering what this dream might mean, and it wasn't until a meditation in which I was instructed to find my sanctuary that I made the connection.

I sincerely believe in following your soul's truth, your own path and while I have never explicitly come out to my mother as a pagan, she's a smart woman, I'm sure she knows on some level.

When I was asked to find this sanctuary, I found myself in the ocean. My breathing sounded to me as though I were underwater, I felt the waves around me, the sun beating down through the blueish green glass.

By finding this sanctuary, by going to these meet ups and being introduced to certain people I am finally seeing my path being illuminated. When I come out the other side of this journey, I will have been reborn, I will not be able to conceal my work from my family, and I don't want to.

I will always be my mother's child, she will always want to protect me and do what she thinks is right for me. But I need to find the strength that I've always lacked when it's come to her and use my voice to tell her the truth.

I am beginning to see the woman that I am slowly transforming into, and while I'm slightly nervous about this process, I move towards it with heart.

I may even change my name, but that's for future me to decide.

©2013-2015 Thealynn