Tools and Resources; Healing from Sexual Assault

Hello my dears,

When I decided to come out to you all about my experience surviving sexual assault, I knew from the get-go that I wasn't going to stop there, but that I would want to share the tools I've been using to help me with the healing process. I also knew that I wanted to share resources, some of which I have utilized myself, that can at least be a starting point.

I think it goes without saying that no tool by itself is ever going to cure the hurt or take away the anger that I feel, true healing doesn't work on a time table and must be consistently nurtured, there is no cure-all, there is no way to make it vanish without a trace.

You may be wondering why I didn't include these things in the first two articles I wrote concerning my experience. Believe me, it did cross my mind, I thought about it long and hard before hitting the little 'publish' button that makes these pieces available for everyone to see.

The fact is that I was in a place where I simply needed to express myself, and say what I needed to say. I needed to be able to cry as I wrote and process those emotions and do so in a space that was specifically designed for that. I needed to allow myself that time and space to be vulnerable and raw and to not hold back, so that's what I did.

I have said this before, and I doubt that this is the last time I will say this but for the sake of putting it out there: some of these are tools that I work with in my own personal practice. In no way do I believe that they are the end all, be all or that they will work for everyone.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way ~

The first step I would encourage everyone to do is to report the incident to the police. I understand and relate first hand how humiliating and shameful it can feel to go to a complete stranger and tell them about your experience.  I myself went to two different police stations to report my attacker. I initially went to the police station in my town, but because the crime was committed in a different county, I needed to go there instead.

Before I move on, I want to say that I was treated with dignity and respect by both of the officers with whom I spoke, and have worked with. Both were kind and compassionate and gave me peace of mind as I took these first steps.

The next step I would also encourage of everyone is to go to the hospital or if you are able to, go their first. Again, it can be frightening, humiliating and shameful, but it can not only be beneficial to your case, but you can also be treated for any STI's that may have been passed to you. If you do head to the hospital first, they can always contact the police for you there.

I would also encourage everyone to seek professional help. Whether you yourself are a survivor or someone you love is, having someone who is professionally trained and is unbiased to help you work through your struggles is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Please do not let the lack of insurance be a road block to you getting the help that you need, there are so many payment free options, such as community counselors, support groups, and online support.

There is help available to you, don't fall into the trap of telling yourself that you are 'fine' if you are not, it's okay to not be after experiencing such trauma.

I would also encourage you to not let the outcomes of publicized rape cases be an excuse to not go to the police.  It is incredibly discouraging to see so many in such a short amount of time, let alone all of the cases we never hear about. But carrying the regret of not doing more, not doing something, is optional.

I remember thinking that I wasn't going to report my case because I knew my attacker, and that I couldn't imagine what this would do to his life. It took me four days to dig up the courage and decide to go.

Part of what has kept me going and has helped me the most is that I am actively choosing to live my life the way that I want to live it, or at the very least, trying my damnedest to do so. Doing everything in my power to receive justice and to reclaim my life has been the biggest healer of all.

Some days it's unspeakably difficult, I don't always feel like being alive when I wake up. So I think about the things that make me happy, that make me smile. In my mind I picture the things that make my life worth living, I picture my future getting closer and closer every day that I continue to move forward.

As far as what I do personally in addition to what I have listed above, I spend as much time with my friends and family as I am able to. These people are my anchors to the life I lived before I was attacked, and they help to remind me who that person was, and how I can make my way back to her.

This might go without saying also, but I write, A LOT. There are so many things that I write or record of just me talking so that I can release the intense emotions that I feel. Expressing myself creatively is an outlet for the pain and the frustration. If you don't consider yourself a creative person that's okay, maybe your outlet is through physical activity. Just finding an outlet and allowing yourself that time can be incredibly beneficial.

This may come as no surprise, but I have a variety of stones that I carry with me every day, that I sleep with under my pillow, and that I meditate with. I even created a crystal grid with them, and recently shared the photo on my Instagram.

Starting in the center we have a Shiva Lingam, at the top we have Lepidolite, Black Tourmaline, Rhodonite, Snowflake Obsidian, Rose Quartz, Smokey Quartz, Rhodocrosite, and Petrified Wood.

These are all stones that either I felt called to, or already had as a part of my collection. Before dedicating them to this specific work, I left them in my window for a moon bath on the full moon, and continue to do so every full moon, so that the previous energy is released back to mama Earth and can be transmuted into energy for other people, places, causes, etc.

I try to do this with all of my stones so that their energy can be replenished and as a form of thanks for the work that they do, as I do my own work.

I still struggle with sleeping well, or even through the night, so a couple of the things I have found that help me is having fresh lavender under my pillow. I also play white noise to help distract me from the constant train of thought. I was fortunate enough that as I was searching for some of the stones I listed above that the shop I was in offered these little lavender bundles, but they are very easily made on your own.

If you are allergic to lavender, this might not be a viable option, but I have found that a calming scent can be incredibly helpful.

Essential oil is another way to go as there are so many varieties available, some are even designed for that calming affect.

One of my dear friends is a doTERRA consultant and gifted me a little bottle of the Wild Orange. I tend to use it on my hands when I travel as it is easy to play off getting a quick whiff to help calm my nerves.

Some times I simply carry the bottle with me if I am not able to wear it, such as when I am at work. Being in a bakery I am constantly wearing gloves and washing my hands, so rather than constantly putting it on and risking the food I touch taste of orange, I can take a quick smell from the bottle in between tasks and not risk cross contamination.

These are just a few of the tools I have been using to help me cope with the trauma and anxiety that comes with being a survivor. I have also pushed myself into working on growing my spiritual practice by getting back into reading. For example, I just finished Starhawk's The Spiral Dance.

Not only did it help me to connect certain thoughts and feelings I had about the Craft to a place of understanding and safety, but there were sections of the book that provided me healing that I wasn't even expecting.

I originally borrow a copy of the 10th Anniversary edition from the same friend who gifted me the doTERRA, and I ended up having it so long I purchased her a replacement copy.

The Spiral Dance is a book that I intend to do a review on in the near future, I hope to be able to do so before the end of the year, but we'll see if we get there.

I also began working through a couple of books with my circle members, one of them is called Following Your Path by Alexandra Collins Dickerman. This book is designed as a work book as you take the journey of the Fool through the archetypes of the major arcana.

The other is called In The Shadow of 13 Moons by Kimberly Sherman-Cook. This book is all about Shadow work, and is designed to work through a thirteen month period as all the work is done during the time of the dark or new moon.

It might seem like heavy work, but these are all forms of me taking control, making conscious choices and doing what I feel is best for me. When I first began to process what had happened to me, I cut off my connection with Spirit completely, I was in no place to even want to think about it.

All of these things came later, when I felt ready. In the first weeks after my attack, I spent a lot of time utilizing the internet, finding out what to expect from this process, and what resources I had available to me.

I have to say though, that none of these things would make the least bit of difference if I didn't want to be here. If I didn't want to fight, if I didn't want my life back, if I didn't want to remain a victim.

Something horrible happened to me, something that I couldn't stop from happening, something that I didn't ask for.  But it happened. And what happens now, for the most part is up to me.

I started taking back control of my life when I decided to go to the police, and even though I have done everything I can do for the time being, I did something. Even if, god forbid my case doesn't go anywhere, I can look back and say that I did what I could.

I refuse to remain a victim, I refuse to live that way. Because I have lived that way, the first several weeks it was all I could do. I needed that time to embrace the pain to the up most of which I could take it. And there are days when I still feel its echo, I honestly don't know if it's something that will ever leave me.

My choice to say no was taken away that night, but every day that I choose to say yes to myself, I heal a little bit more.

Yes, I deserve happiness. Yes, I deserve success. Yes, I deserve justice. Yes, I deserve to have my voice heard. Yes, I deserve the right to say, no. Yes, I deserve to heal.

Every day that I choose to live, to be a survivor, I heal a little bit more. Every day that you choose to, you heal a little bit more.

Yes, you deserve happiness. Yes, you deserve success. Yes, you deserve justice. Yes, you deserve to have your voice heard. Yes, you deserve the right to say no. Yes, you deserve the right to heal.

First and foremost I want to share the phone numbers and chats for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and the National Sexual Assault Hotline.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-TALK
Here is the link to the private chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx


National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 or 1-800-656-HOPE
Here is the link to the private chat: https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp


https://www.rainn.org/
RAINN is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. They are bursting with information, and one of the main resources I used, including their confidential chat which I utilized while I decided on a therapist. 

https://www.notalone.gov/resources/
Not Alone was also incredibly helpful because it provided me with a list of crisis centers as well as a hot line that is confidential and 24/7

http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_national_type.php?type_id=1056
WomensLaw is a great site for information about different organizations, statics, and additional resources to get you the help that you need.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Lifeline is always a resource to be aware of regardless of what crisis you might be facing, there is someone who is willing to be there for you.

I may not know you, I may never know you. I may never know your story, hear your laughter or be able to hold you while you cry. But wherever you are, know that I love you.

Know that there are people in this world who love you, who need you, who want to be there to support you. Know that you mean something to this world, know that you are not alone.

Blessings to you and yours,

Namaste,

Thealynn

©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Speaking from the Heart

Hey there my dears,

There are some stories, ideas or articles that tend to write themselves, and there are those such as this one where I feel the need to write and to express myself, but the meat and juice of this project require something more than a simple need.

They take courage, they take resolve, and they take honesty.

When I very first thought about writing a blog I fully intended to carve out time however often to write about my thoughts, my experiences and just whatever else came to me. There was a chunk of time there where I was dedicated and writing in this blog was really all I had.

Things shift and change, the currents ebb and flow and there are simply some days where all we can do is our best to either hang on or to ride the waves to the best of our abilities.

I've written before about living with depression; the darkness I feel inside often lurking, slumbering - how even the slightest rocking of the boat can cause it to awaken and reek havoc. I've written about how most of the time, there seems to be no real reason or culprit for feeling the way that I do, because for all intents and purposes, that's just how it works.

So what does someone like me do when there is a reason, when there is a culprit?

From what I have witnessed people come up with one of two options:

1. Cover it up with positivity and pretending that it doesn't hurt as much as it does.

2. Start doing research about how to hurt them magically without having any of the resounding affects come back at yourself, making the situation worse.

Now, considering it's been some time since I've written about these things and my beliefs and ideas have grown and evolved, I have even more to contend with.

To recap; I believe in soul contracts, karma, multiple reasons behind every event that shapes one's life on any and all levels.

So when something horrible and traumatic happens, does all of that stuff fly out the window?

Not in the slightest.  They may certainly take a backseat for a time while the rest of me figures things out, gets some processing done, and then I slowly bring them back around.

Because let's be honest, "Why did XYZ happen?" is a natural response, but it's not the first thing we process. It's something we come back to, some times even years later because depending on the event, it can take us that long to be ready to consider the question in search of an answer.

I recently wrote about being sexually assaulted, and the other day I contacted my advocate at the DA's office to see if any progress had been made, come to find out they hadn't even reviewed it yet. It was explained to me that the lawyer who was assigned my case had just finished two trials and that they had been very busy, to please call back at the end of the month and that should be sufficient time.

Looking back I am surprised that I kept my composure while I was on the phone, and even for a few brief moments once the call ended. It felt like time had slowed as I attempted to process what I had just been told.

I hesitated calling that morning, I was so afraid of hearing bad news, and I did. The words spoken to me were formal with a hint of understanding, but what translated to my mind and my heart was that the file of my case was in a pile, god knows where, and hadn't even been looked at.

I was filled with rage and pain and what felt like a lack of justice. I felt insignificant, and that the suffering that I have struggled to endure meant nothing to anyone but me. As the tears began to well and fall, I told myself no; I wasn't going to cry. But then I told myself yes, I deserve to cry. So I did.

I cried from so deep inside, I wondered how I was going to make it an additional couple of weeks simply waiting for an answer that might not even be there, and I'd already waited longer than I was originally told I would have to wait.

In those moments I felt so small, and so unimportant that I gave myself an opportunity to just be real about the negative feelings I usually try to keep in check. I cried to the Universe, to Source and was perhaps the most vulnerable, and raw conversation I've ever allowed myself to have.

I expressed how much I wanted my attacker to suffer, how badly I wanted them to hurt, that I hoped he lived in hell every single day not knowing if the police were going to come for him that day. How I hoped that he didn't sleep or eat for every day that I couldn't bring myself to do it, how much I wanted him to see a monster every time he looked into a mirror, that every time he laughed or smiled that he was filled with a sickening guilt that lasted for hours.

Allowing myself to feel and say all of those things caused me to cry harder, because I hate feeling this way. I asked Spirit to understand that all of these thoughts and feelings came from a place of hurt, that I would never want to be responsible for manifesting such things. That even through all of this trauma and hell, I've worked so hard at being the person I was, the person I want to be: happy, optimistic, and understanding.

It was then that Spirit spoke back to me, something I sincerely was not expecting. At first it was a feeling of being enveloped in love and compassion, and true understanding of the pain I walk with everyday. Then very softly I heard the message,

"We know, we watch you, we understand the difference. We are here for you always." It was the sound of a thousand voices from a thousand lifetimes of guides and ancestors and loved ones that make up Spirit and that makes us who and what we are, because we carry Spirit with us.

Later that day I had an appointment with my therapist and I told her about the phone call with the DA, by that time I'd rationalized my feelings somewhat, but when I felt the ripple of pain that I knew would come up, I let myself cry.

I expressed to her that at this point, the worst part of this whole experience, is the waiting. How I have literally done everything I can to get my life back together and to move forward and begin to heal, but that waiting for the judicial system is a hell of it's own kind.

It was then that I was reminded to a scene from the CW's Supernatural. I described to her briefly how a demon becomes King of Hell and he remodels hell to an endless line, in a darkened hallway without anything to distract you, and how once you reach the front of the line, you immediately return to the end of the line.

"That's what it feels like." I told her. She sat there a few moments picturing it in her head, perhaps even trying to put herself in that scenario. I then spoke about how even though it was incredibly difficult hearing that my case had yet to be reviewed, that there was still hope. My case hadn't gone anywhere, it hadn't been thrown out or dismissed. That was the silver lining, and dear god, I was holding onto it as tightly as I could, because I need it.

We always have a choice, and the choice I am making for myself everyday, is to look forward and to focus on the things I can do for myself.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I cannot ask myself why I had this experience, I cannot go back to that night and ask myself why I took the steps that I did, because I have already accepted responsibility for the choices I made in what I believe to be good conscious. If I look at them too much, I slip over the line and begin to start taking responsibility for what I had no control over.

I cannot and will not ever take responsibility for the choices he made. Because those are his and his alone. I will not lie, it has been tempting to take the route of revenge, it's not a hard road to get on, but I have chosen to take the road that I believe is the right one for myself.

It's hell, waiting and wondering what will or will not happen, but I know that Spirit hears me. I know that the Universe is taking care of me, and I accept that when this situation is resolved, that it might not look the way that I want it to look. But I feel if I do not ask for justice, if I do not pray in my own way that I will wonder why the hell I remained silent.

I lived so much inside of my own head every single day, and while I may have been good at lying to myself in the past, I cannot do that with this situation. I want him to go to jail more than I want most things, I want him on a sex offenders list, and I want him to carry his actions with him every single day. I want him to take responsibility, and just own up to what he did.

I realize that I might sound a tad fanatical when I say that I do my best to trust in Spirit every day. I understand how I might sound desperate when I say that I believe in a greater force who sincerely does take care of me, and that this force in the end will bring me justice.

But I say these things because I genuinely do believe, and because I believe, I feel that I have an easier time walking and living in this hell that I reside in, even if it's by a mere fraction.

I have so many wonderful friends and family who love and support me, and I have an incredibly partner who is my rock and my strength, but they are not with me all the time; I believe that Spirit is though, and Spirit helps me hold on, Spirit helps keep me sane, and helps to remind me of the person I know I am and can be.

I know that it's going to take time, but I try to focus on the bright future that I have before me, and one day, this will all be behind me.

I ask Spirit to help me build that future everyday, or at least to remind me of it, because some days are so much harder than others. But I draw strength from those who love me, and I remind myself that if I quit, then my attacker wins. I cannot let that happen. When everything else feels bleak, that simple thought it what gets me going again. I cannot let him win. 

I know that I am never alone, and I hope that everyone who reads this, knows that they are not alone. There is always hope, there is always the chance for happiness, you just have to want it enough. And I want my future more than anything. If I never see the person again, it will be too soon, but I hold onto a picture I see in my mind of my future, with a loving partner, a warm home and a career that I am passionate about; and they with nothing, in the same place they have always been in.

It is a full moon tonight, and an eclipse, and I cannot wait to burn some candles, and work some healing for not only myself but for those who have endured on this journey with me. I'll also be sending out healing to anyone who feels alone and hopeless, I pray that it reaches every heart that they are needed, and cherished and loved, because you are.

I wish you all the brightest blessing, have a splendid Full Moon in Aquarius,

Thealynn

©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

 

Tarot Card of 2016

Hey loves,

I don't know about the rest of you, but this year has been a serious roller coaster ride. There have been so many changes it's hard to keep track of them all. Some of the changes I brought on consciously, others came unexpectedly, most of which were welcome, others not so much.

If I had the presence of mind to look into this at the beginning of the year, I might have been a tad more prepared, because my tarot card for this year is in fact, the Tower.

The Tower and I have a love-hate relationship. It loves to show up and I tend to hate it whenever it does, at first at least. Even though I am late in the year for pulling this card, I can feel the ripple of energy that began when the clock struck twelve on January first.

I started of the year in relationship that I quickly got out of, spent a few weeks single before connecting with my new partner, I've changed jobs twice, I've had the opportunity to meet my niece and nephew for the first time whom I now try to see on a weekly basis, I began the process of releasing dozens of item from my past that I no longer felt a need to hold onto, I started journaling and writing just for myself, I've connected with new and old guides and I found the synchronicity of two paths that I feel such a strong connection and pull towards.

Those are the good things, and I am grateful that there have been so many to balance out the few but traumatic events that have come with them. When times are difficult, I hold onto the good things, and I try to remind myself that balance is necessary in all things, but it can't always be maintained on it's own.

I'm realizing how much I crave balance, and as I am being confronted by and attempting to work through the greatest darkness I've come across in this life time, I'm learning a whole new respect for myself.

When I look at the Tower card, I can relate to the character who is jumping in an effort to save herself, where as the other character looks like they are being thrown by the force of the lightening strike, this character looks as though they will surely hit the rocks and may not survive (given what we can see from the picture.) The character on the left however looks as though they may miss the rocks and avoid further damage.

The character in red knew that there was no other way out, and even though jumping was a risk, it was a risk they were willing to take, it feels to me that this woman in red put her faith in what she held true to her heart, and took a leap of faith.

We don't necessarily know the fate of these two figures, but I see is that the destruction of the tower, perhaps their metaphorical walls, cause them to make the choice to crumble along with the stones, or to move on and to move towards something new, perhaps even something better.

What I experience earlier this year was traumatic and awful and some would say down right evil. There were times I felt myself caving in just like that tower, but I had friends, and family, and my partner to help me push the rubble aside, and lent me their strength and courage to rebuild.

Destruction before creation, death followed by rebirth, the ebb and flow of Source.

If you are new to my blog and have not had a chance to read about last year's tarot card, and want to find your own tarot card for the year, here's how.

This idea is based on numerology using your birth month and day, and the current year.

I will use my own as an example, my birth month and day are, 12/31 and of course the year is 2016. So you will take each number individually and add them together, like this:

1+2+3+1+2+0+1+6

When you add it all together you come to 16.

If you come up with a larger number than the number of major arcana cards then you take your two digit number and add those two numbers together.

The deck I used for this year's card was the DruidCraft Tarot by Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm. The deck was my first ever, as it was a birthday gift from my folks when I was first starting on my path, it is a deck I highly recommend.

With that, I wish you all the best,

Light and love to you and yours,

Thealynn

©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Behind Door Number Four

Hey there loves,

I have honestly thought about writing this piece over and over again, and while I think a part of me always intended to, I never quite felt like the timing was right. And I cannot specifically say why I feel compelled to do so now, only that I do, so here I am.

I think it's safe to say that I have never given any sort of disclaimer in any of my work prior to this, but I will say before I get started that the topic of this piece may very well cause discomfort in the least and be a trigger at the worst.

It's a topic that seems to be flooding our social media feeds, perhaps spoken with caution in groups, sparking outrage and bringing change across the world, slowly if not surely.

I am going to talk to you today about rape.

Here in America, someone is raped roughly every two minutes, a rape is reported roughly every six minutes, and one in six women experience sexual assault in their life time. One out of every ten rape victims are male.

It would be easy to tell you that I wanted to discuss this topic because it is such a deafening problem, which is true, but it wouldn't be the whole truth; and while it's also true that this blog is meant to be a place to talk about my path, and to share and to hopefully help to educate and inspire others who perhaps face some of the same struggles that I myself have faced - this topic falls under that category.

Because I was raped nearly three months ago.

Of all the events in my life thus far that have caused me to question my life, and my path, this definitely did it. This experience has challenged me in ways that I didn't know I could be challenged, and I struggle with it every single day.

This is an event that can potentially change literally everything about a person.

I have seen some very dark times, and one way or another I have managed to come out it for the better.

This was the first time that I genuinely questioned my ability to come back from what I was experiencing. For the first week following the rape I could barely sleep, I didn't want to eat, and I cried almost continuously.

It took me four days to work up the courage to go to the police. By that time just about all of the physical evidence was gone, so all I was left with was my statement and the clothes I had been wearing that night. Despite the lack of a rape kit, I went to the hospital to be treated for any potential STIs.

Over the next couple of weeks I struggled to re-assimilate myself back into my life between constant emotional breakdowns, and phone calls from the officer working my case seeking as much detail and clarification for the report that would later be sent to the DA's office. It would be almost two months before I received a call informing me that they had received the police report. They told me that it would be thirty days to process the report.

Within that time I shared what had happened to me with only a few members of my immediate family, and just as many friends. I ended up quitting my job because I was unable to work reliably, and I began to wonder if I would ever be able to find a way to be comfortable in the world again.

I literally hated being alive. I felt dirty and unwanted in my body. I showered compulsively wanting to scrub away the ghost who had so violently violated not just my body but my trust, and at times I found myself simply scrubbing until my skin was red.

I forced myself to quit crying because I was so afraid of being lost in that darkness of hating myself. I would barely sleep because all of my dreams were the shadows of what I remembered from that night.

I could so scarcely feel the old self, I wondered if she even existed. I fought the constant waves of guilt for my situation and argued inside of my own head for hours about what I could have or should have done differently to prevent what happened to me.

There was the reminiscence of the old me who knew that it wasn't my fault, that regardless of circumstance; rape is never justified, but I could only hear her part of the time and her voice was so quiet, like a half-hearted whisper being carried away on the wind.

It took some searching, but I was able to find a counselor who specialized in sexual assault victims. The first several sessions were filled with the tears I had denied myself, and while there was a part of me that hated myself for doing so, the other side felt so relieved to be able to simply let it go, because that's what you're supposed to do in counseling, right?

It's only been three months, and I am still here. It took some doing but I managed to find my footing again and I was able to find a new job. I still have trouble sleeping and some days I need to remind myself to eat.

I look back and find it almost hard to believe that it's only been a few short months. Each day is so long and carries so much weight with it, but then in the blink of an eye a week has gone by.

I don't know what might happen next when it comes to the legalities.

But I do know that I've made it this far. And even though I don't go a day without thinking about that night, and right now I see multiple things a day that remind me of the individual, I've gotten to a place where I don't hate myself any more.

I don't blame myself for the selfish, destructive actions of another. I found the strength within myself to take back the reins of my life. I may not have been physically able to stop what happened, but I can and do say no to anyone else running my life.

Truth be told I have been very lucky, I have received nothing but support, compassion, and encouragement from those I have shared my story with. Too many never hear or experience those things, and I have been given nothing but that and more.

For all of the struggle and trauma I have lived through prior to this, I feel confident in saying that I don't think I would have made it through without the love and support of my friends and family.

Whether my case continues to move forward or it does not, this is just the beginning of this particular journey. Being a survivor of sexual assault has changed my life forever, I will never be the same person that I was before.

To quote a friend of mine,

"This is the only piece of you he is ever going to have."

If there's one thing more I can do for myself, it's to make sure it's the smallest damn piece manageable. Every day that I wake up and choose to take one step closer to the self that I know I can be, that piece gets a little smaller.

I remind myself of that when the I can't sleep or when I have a day where I feel that guilt threatening to come back. Some days are harder than others, and some days I have to hold onto the stubborn nature that tells me that I cannot let him win.

Because every day that I live my life, every day that I find a reason to smile, to laugh, every day that I feel sincere gratitude for the gifts that I receive from the Universe, is a victory.

One in every six women experience sexual assault, one in every ten rape victims are male.

It heart breaks every time I see a headline telling the story of another victim. Roughly one in a thousand rape cases result in jail time. I find myself crying multiple times a day, it doesn't get easier seeing those things.

It's easy to feel like the steps I've taken thus far are pointless, because how special could my case be? What about my experience, my testimony could be so radically different where I receive judicial justice?

To be perfectly honest, I don't expect it at all. I am hopefully. I pray and plead with my gods every day to not let this happen to someone else who perhaps is too frightened to come forward, who is eaten alive by shame.

Whatever the legal outcome of my case is, I can walk away knowing that I have done everything within my power. So much of this feels as though it's out of my hands, and it's frustrating having to wait for a voice on the other line that might never call.

It's difficult to trust that things will work out the way that they should. It's difficult to believe that one day, all of this will be behind me, and that I'll eventually look back on this have a thick layer of scar tissue to point to as an example of yet another battle wound.

But then I see all that I have written here, and I recall the day sitting down on a couch terrified of telling my boyfriend of two months at that time, that I had been raped less than twelve hours earlier. I recall his anger and confusion and his heartbreak, I remember his gentle strength as he held my hand at the police station, and the look of certainty in his eyes every time he told me that together we would make it through this.

Of all the things that have changed because of this incident, there are some things that I refuse to let change.

I will never stop loving people, I will never allow myself to be hardened to the point where I care nothing for the people around me, whether by choice or necessity.

I will not remain silent. I refuse to let what happened to me be buried without any resolve, whether by judicial means or by simply owning my own trauma and one day using it to help be the strength for others who struggle with similar obstacles.

I will always trust that there is a positive to balance the negative, even if I can't always see it.

For all of those who have personally been a victim, or know a victim of sexual assault, know that you are not alone. You do not have to feel ashamed, you are not responsible for another's actions.

You are loved, you are cherished, you are worth it.

Light and love to you,

Thealynn

©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf