Hey there loves,
I normally don't do this kind of update post, probably because I'm unaccustomed to seeing such significant change in such a short amount of time.
When I wrote about the Full Moon in Capricorn, I felt like I needed to vent as much as I wanted to share what I was learning. I had mentioned before my frustration with a few of my coworkers and how all I wanted was for the situation to be resolved, in the way I thought was best of course.
Without realizing it, I had become more angry and frustrated at how I felt that I was being treated, and I stopped seeing the bigger picture. I got tunnel vision if you will, so naturally when those blinders came off, not only did I feel foolish and a bit embarrassed, I also wanted to make things right.
I had a conversation with one coworker about how it felt when we worked together, and I heard her out. Turns out that she felt much the same way that I did; passing off responsibility, not doing our far share of the work, and at the end of the day not being excited to work with the other person.
I took the opportunity to apologize and did my best to make sure that they knew that I would do my best to communicate more openly if I was having an off day or feeling behind, that I would try to make sure they knew I was there to help them if they needed it.
We agreed that if the cycle that has been infecting our work place was to stop, it had to start somewhere, so it was going to start with us.
A different coworker, whom I perceived to be the one responsible for all of the turmoil, started showing up more, started doing more, and appeared to be putting in more of an effort. My boss had asked me to give this person a second chance, and at first I was admittedly reluctant.
I'd given out second chances before and it had never ended well for me, and that was just my personal relationships. This was supposed to be a professional environment, why the hell were they given a second chance? I firmly believed, despite being told otherwise, that any one would be given this second chance if they were in this person's shoes. It felt like they were being special treatment for unknown reasons, and truth be told, I resented everyone who was involved.
In retrospect I can see where I did not do a good job of hiding my opinion even though I never voiced it. I was not sincere or genuine with this person, and I did not listen to the undertones or body language which always said more than the words that were spoken.
After writing about what Spirit revealed to me, it really hit home that I needed to not just see and recognize these people and the parts of them that I recognized, but that I needed to honor them and where they are at in their journey.
I needed to do this not just for myself, but by doing so, it could completely change the atmosphere and the energy in my workplace when I worked with them. As all of this was sinking in I told my guides, I told Spirit that I was not confident in my ability to do so overnight. I was unsure of how successful I would be right away, but that I would try and that I wouldn't keep myself closed off from them as I had been doing.
It's not two weeks later, and I am surprised at myself but I'm also proud. One year, two years ago, I don't know if I would have been able to turn around so completely. I'm going to work feeling lighter, feeling more confident in my position, I don't dread working with these people any more, and I genuinely spend time asking the Universe to hold them and send them love and support because in my heart I know that somehow it can and will manifest for them. Even if it manifests through me.
I no longer feel like I am being denied opportunities because I have been given the amazing chance to do other things. Like spending one day a week in a different department which isn't remotely related to the one I am in now. I am able to dedicate time to writing here, I've been able to finish a really exciting project that now is just waiting for the green light from Spirit to go onto the next step, I reached a place where I was comfortable creating an online temple space on Facebook where I can connect and share openly and others can do the same if they feel called to do so.
Don't get me wrong, the Full Moon in Capricorn was a tough one. I felt it BIG TIME. But now as we are transitioning into the New Moon in Leo, and we are heading into the harvest season, I am starting to look back on what I have been able to bring to life so far this year, and I feel amazing.
The work is not done, and there is still time to create, I feel the fiery energy of Leo beckoning me to breath life into more projects, to ignore the fear that tells me that somehow I am not good enough to do what I want to do. The lion in my roars with confidence because it knows, and I know better.
I will say though that with the completion of the project mentioned above, there is a sense of finality in a way. I knew that I wouldn't launch the project straight away, so now I'm sitting in a space with two different energies; the first being that I want to take a breath and soak up the fact that I have never even attempted something like this and now it's done, the second energy is that of the new moon in Leo wanting to get out there and create more stuff!
So, I am going to try an honor both energies, I will take time to be in stillness and gratitude and really honor the work that I have put into the project, and at the same time put my energy into other projects.
One such project is the Facebook group I mentioned before. If you are interested in joining, I fully encourage you to do so. We're still a fairly small community but you are welcome to it! I'll leave the link here with you, Shakti's Circle.
All right loves, time to go spend some time in that stillness.
Don't forget to live freely and love fiercely,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Showing posts with label Full Moon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Full Moon. Show all posts
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Sunday, July 9, 2017
My Full Moon in Capricorn
Hey there loves,
How has this full moon been treating you? Have you been feeling it the last few days as the moon as reached her fullness?
As some of you might already know, I am a Capricorn (sun), so this full moon holds some very serious energy for me. And possibly for you too! Are you ready for it?
One of the things that I love the most when the moon is full, is that I feel like I have the opportunity to really clean off my energetic plate. I get to drop all the stuff that I've been carrying around for the last month that just needs to go. It's a good time to reset, re-energize, reevaluate. It's also a good time to be super honest with ourselves.
Something that I think gets glossed over during the Full Moon, is the opportunity to see things in our lives with a fresh perspective, a different lens depending on what sign the moon is in. In this case, it's Capricorn.
For those who are unfamiliar with Capricorn, this sign is ruled by Saturn which is considered the Father of the zodiac; just as the Moon is considered the Mother of the zodiac which rules the sign of Cancer. As these signs are opposite each other, there is a call for balance when these two meet.
Capricorn is considered the 'hard knocks' planet, as Saturn is also known as the Karma Keeper, it's no surprise that Capricorns often wind up settling all sorts of karmic debt (positive and negative) during their life time. Because of the masculine energy surrounding Capricorn, they are often described as structured, practical, goal oriented, focused, etc.
The other side of that coin however can be viewed as: rigid, strict, obsessive, workaholic, etc. Capricorns are known for being stubborn, rivaling other signs in the zodiac, because once they set their minds on something, it's nigh impossible to get them off course.
Capricorns can also suffer from tunnel vision and expect everyone to be on board with their plans and ideas, which isn't always practical or possible. When this doesn't happen, they can be come agitated and continue about their way, even if they do so alone. Which could explain why Capricorns have a tendency to take on SO MUCH on their own, even to the point of burning themselves out.
We Caps can be of the mindset, "It's all me or it's nothing." So much focus goes into the how, and where to, and what next that we can become detached from the emotion that sparked our dreams and goals in the first place.
So when our masculine sign visits the opposite sign of Cancer we have an opportunity get back in touch with our softer, feminine side. We get a chance to put our project(s) down for a minute and remember why we're so passionate about it in the first place. We can take off our shoes and dip our feet into the deep dream space where the love and desire for this goal was born.
When the moon is full, she is shining brightly and showing us what needs love and attention from us. You have probably heard the phrase along the lines of 'people get crazy during the full moon'. While it could hold some level of truth, the reality is that when the moon is full, there is a higher vibration of energy. Emotions, wounds, desires all come up to the surface and are being show to us because they are the things that require acknowledgement.
For me it was frustration with my work place. I came home angry last night, I wanted to throw up some fingers and tell them where they could go. So today before heading in I could feel that anger rising again and so I gave myself a nice smudge before I walked out the door. Today ended up being a much easier and a more pleasant day, and as I took my salt bath I realized what this full moon was showing me.
My frustration was being brought to my attention because I was getting frustrated with circumstances that I cannot control and I did not feel supported. I took a deeper look and was able to see that it was being reflected in one of my coworkers.
Let me just say I'm glad that I was sitting down because I was FLOORED. Literally FOR MONTHS, I have been trying to pinpoint why exactly this was manifesting in my life, and it all came to me. With the light of this full moon, I can see a part of myself reflected in this individual. I see patterns and behaviors that I myself have been guilty off. For such long time I could only see the flaws and mistakes this person was making, and all it did was make me angrier.
As all of this was dawning on me (no pun intended) I asked Spirit, I asked the Moon; What can I do to help heal this part of myself? The answer I received was so simple.
I could forgive myself.
As I tapped into the beautiful milky divine feminine, I asked to be shown more. We as humans are flawed by nature, because we are here to learn and to grow and the only way to do so is to make mistakes. I needed to be reminded that people, including myself, are allowed to make mistakes; that I have and that I will continue to do so. And that regardless of how many, or for how long, it should not, and does not lessen the value and worthiness of any individual.
We are able to go so far because of the mistakes that we make, not in spite of, but because of. Mistakes can be opportunities to launch us forward, or they can hold us captive, in one place for as long as we harbor the guilt and shame that we fabricate.
I can only speak for myself, but I am so thankful for every mistake that I have made because it helped me become who I am. Even now I find myself grateful to this person because they have shown me such a deep truth and have provided me with a chance to own that truth.
This is what my full moon in Capricorn is asking me to see, to acknowledge, to love and show compassion to, and then to finally send it with love and gratitude back to Source Energy, until the next lesson comes forward.
What is the Full Moon in Capricorn showing you?
Live freely and love fiercely,
How has this full moon been treating you? Have you been feeling it the last few days as the moon as reached her fullness?
 |
| Image from monderndayastrologer.com |
As some of you might already know, I am a Capricorn (sun), so this full moon holds some very serious energy for me. And possibly for you too! Are you ready for it?
One of the things that I love the most when the moon is full, is that I feel like I have the opportunity to really clean off my energetic plate. I get to drop all the stuff that I've been carrying around for the last month that just needs to go. It's a good time to reset, re-energize, reevaluate. It's also a good time to be super honest with ourselves.
Something that I think gets glossed over during the Full Moon, is the opportunity to see things in our lives with a fresh perspective, a different lens depending on what sign the moon is in. In this case, it's Capricorn.
For those who are unfamiliar with Capricorn, this sign is ruled by Saturn which is considered the Father of the zodiac; just as the Moon is considered the Mother of the zodiac which rules the sign of Cancer. As these signs are opposite each other, there is a call for balance when these two meet.
Capricorn is considered the 'hard knocks' planet, as Saturn is also known as the Karma Keeper, it's no surprise that Capricorns often wind up settling all sorts of karmic debt (positive and negative) during their life time. Because of the masculine energy surrounding Capricorn, they are often described as structured, practical, goal oriented, focused, etc.
The other side of that coin however can be viewed as: rigid, strict, obsessive, workaholic, etc. Capricorns are known for being stubborn, rivaling other signs in the zodiac, because once they set their minds on something, it's nigh impossible to get them off course.
Capricorns can also suffer from tunnel vision and expect everyone to be on board with their plans and ideas, which isn't always practical or possible. When this doesn't happen, they can be come agitated and continue about their way, even if they do so alone. Which could explain why Capricorns have a tendency to take on SO MUCH on their own, even to the point of burning themselves out.
We Caps can be of the mindset, "It's all me or it's nothing." So much focus goes into the how, and where to, and what next that we can become detached from the emotion that sparked our dreams and goals in the first place.
So when our masculine sign visits the opposite sign of Cancer we have an opportunity get back in touch with our softer, feminine side. We get a chance to put our project(s) down for a minute and remember why we're so passionate about it in the first place. We can take off our shoes and dip our feet into the deep dream space where the love and desire for this goal was born.
When the moon is full, she is shining brightly and showing us what needs love and attention from us. You have probably heard the phrase along the lines of 'people get crazy during the full moon'. While it could hold some level of truth, the reality is that when the moon is full, there is a higher vibration of energy. Emotions, wounds, desires all come up to the surface and are being show to us because they are the things that require acknowledgement.
For me it was frustration with my work place. I came home angry last night, I wanted to throw up some fingers and tell them where they could go. So today before heading in I could feel that anger rising again and so I gave myself a nice smudge before I walked out the door. Today ended up being a much easier and a more pleasant day, and as I took my salt bath I realized what this full moon was showing me.
My frustration was being brought to my attention because I was getting frustrated with circumstances that I cannot control and I did not feel supported. I took a deeper look and was able to see that it was being reflected in one of my coworkers.
Let me just say I'm glad that I was sitting down because I was FLOORED. Literally FOR MONTHS, I have been trying to pinpoint why exactly this was manifesting in my life, and it all came to me. With the light of this full moon, I can see a part of myself reflected in this individual. I see patterns and behaviors that I myself have been guilty off. For such long time I could only see the flaws and mistakes this person was making, and all it did was make me angrier.
As all of this was dawning on me (no pun intended) I asked Spirit, I asked the Moon; What can I do to help heal this part of myself? The answer I received was so simple.
I could forgive myself.
As I tapped into the beautiful milky divine feminine, I asked to be shown more. We as humans are flawed by nature, because we are here to learn and to grow and the only way to do so is to make mistakes. I needed to be reminded that people, including myself, are allowed to make mistakes; that I have and that I will continue to do so. And that regardless of how many, or for how long, it should not, and does not lessen the value and worthiness of any individual.
We are able to go so far because of the mistakes that we make, not in spite of, but because of. Mistakes can be opportunities to launch us forward, or they can hold us captive, in one place for as long as we harbor the guilt and shame that we fabricate.
I can only speak for myself, but I am so thankful for every mistake that I have made because it helped me become who I am. Even now I find myself grateful to this person because they have shown me such a deep truth and have provided me with a chance to own that truth.
This is what my full moon in Capricorn is asking me to see, to acknowledge, to love and show compassion to, and then to finally send it with love and gratitude back to Source Energy, until the next lesson comes forward.
What is the Full Moon in Capricorn showing you?
Live freely and love fiercely,
~Thealynn
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
Be I Am
Good evening loves,
This might come as a bit of a surprise to some of you, but over the last few months I have been putting in considerable thought to what it might be like to make Spiritual sharing and coaching a full time thing.
For some time I have had the pull to step into the role of a healer, especially considering the work I have put into my own healing journey, it occurred to me that I might just be in a good position to help others through their traumas using the same tools that helped me.
I even reached out and found a wonderful coach who specializes in such things, and while we ended working in a slightly different direction, it never really left my mind.
I spent several weeks struggling to remain present as dates on the calendar brought me back to past events which impacted the course of my life. As much as I wanted to honor those spaces and those feelings, I was starting to get lost in those times while losing sight of the fact that I had moved past them bit by bit.
During our last session I was given a bit of a wake up call to what I was doing and I cannot express how grateful I feel to be back in present time. In the weeks since, the topic has come up multiple times including a conversation I had with a coworker. She shared with me how over the course of several years she had been given the message "Be a Shaman" from her guides. She shared with me how she spent so much time trying to understand what that meant and how to get to that place. Hearing it again a couple of months ago, it finally clicked what her guides were asking her: BE a Shaman. She had to choose every single day to step into that role, to live her life as a Shaman, to BE.
Her story resonated with me so much that I began thinking to myself, that's exactly what I need to do. The words she spoke lined up with what one of my mentors was saying to me about living your life as if you're future is already here.
If I want to be a healer, provide guidance, be a priestess; these are all things I can do right now. I AM a healer, I DO provide guidance, I AM a Priestess. My mentor spoke to me of living in what I want to bring about, and not waiting for a magical time when I just happen to find myself in my future, I literally have to create it.
So, I started today.
I have shared my passions with my teammates in my current profession mostly in passing conversation, and yesterday one of them took me up on it. We had spoken tentatively about getting together once before, and yesterday she was ready to take the plunge. As we settled on a time and place they asked me about also inviting another teammate, to which I was happy to encourage.
I am excited to say that the two individuals I mentioned earlier will be joining me, and have expressed their interest and desire to take this journey with me. It truly is an incredible honor to be in a place of service, it really does make my heart soar.
I AM a Healer
I DO Provide Guidance
I AM a Priestess
Be
I
Am
Never shy away from who you are, the world needs you.
Do not be discouraged if you are still discovering who and what you are.
You are powerful, you are wise, you are capable.
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
This might come as a bit of a surprise to some of you, but over the last few months I have been putting in considerable thought to what it might be like to make Spiritual sharing and coaching a full time thing.
For some time I have had the pull to step into the role of a healer, especially considering the work I have put into my own healing journey, it occurred to me that I might just be in a good position to help others through their traumas using the same tools that helped me.
I even reached out and found a wonderful coach who specializes in such things, and while we ended working in a slightly different direction, it never really left my mind.
I spent several weeks struggling to remain present as dates on the calendar brought me back to past events which impacted the course of my life. As much as I wanted to honor those spaces and those feelings, I was starting to get lost in those times while losing sight of the fact that I had moved past them bit by bit.
During our last session I was given a bit of a wake up call to what I was doing and I cannot express how grateful I feel to be back in present time. In the weeks since, the topic has come up multiple times including a conversation I had with a coworker. She shared with me how over the course of several years she had been given the message "Be a Shaman" from her guides. She shared with me how she spent so much time trying to understand what that meant and how to get to that place. Hearing it again a couple of months ago, it finally clicked what her guides were asking her: BE a Shaman. She had to choose every single day to step into that role, to live her life as a Shaman, to BE.
Her story resonated with me so much that I began thinking to myself, that's exactly what I need to do. The words she spoke lined up with what one of my mentors was saying to me about living your life as if you're future is already here.
If I want to be a healer, provide guidance, be a priestess; these are all things I can do right now. I AM a healer, I DO provide guidance, I AM a Priestess. My mentor spoke to me of living in what I want to bring about, and not waiting for a magical time when I just happen to find myself in my future, I literally have to create it.
So, I started today.
I have shared my passions with my teammates in my current profession mostly in passing conversation, and yesterday one of them took me up on it. We had spoken tentatively about getting together once before, and yesterday she was ready to take the plunge. As we settled on a time and place they asked me about also inviting another teammate, to which I was happy to encourage.
So last night I took a bath in an effort to unwind, during which I tried to figure out the best way to broach the subject of helping these people as I did not want to simply wing it. There was also the concern of how to transition from coworker and friend to client. I wasn’t confident in my ability to channel Spirit effectively and I began to worry. It was then that I heard the voice of the Goddess.
This might have been the clearest I have heard her in a long time. She shared with me how she could see and feel my anxiety, my fear of saying or doing the wrong things during the session and how I was concerned that I wouldn’t be what was expected.
She reminded me that these clients are clean slates, they have no expectations other than being genuinely heard, and how they already know that’s what they will be receiving from me because they have already received such from me time and again. These are clients that I already have an established relationship, and trust with, and how it is a testament to my person that they have accepted my offer to assist them in any way that I can.
She told me that the fear and the anxiety that I was feeling were merely the echoes of lives past in which I was ridiculed, abandoned, even killed for the gifts that I possess, and how they are coming up now because I am ready to heal those wounds and fully begin stepping into myself.
She told me, “No one is going to kill you for this, you are not going to die for helping people.”
It was then that my eyes welled with tears as I felt the phantoms of those wounds; the stones bruising my hands and feet, breaking my nose and blackening my eyes, the sharp edges of knives, swords, even axes cutting deep into my flesh and piercing my intestines, the blade of a knife scraping my scalp as they shaved my head, the fire burning my flesh, the noose around my neck, the water filling my lungs.
“I will never stop fighting, I will never cease to heal, I will never turn my back.”
Voice after voice rang in my ears, voices of men and women who were all once me, and I them. It brought me back to a day when I was on my way to work, I received a download of a memory from long ago. I was to be hung on the accusation of witchcraft, I was given one last chance to repent, and as I looked onto the crowd I took in every single face of the village. People I had known my whole life, children that I had helped to bring into the world, people I had nursed back to health, men whose battle wounds I had tended; there was some piety in their eyes, but it was mostly fear.
I began to tell them how I forgave each and every one of them, whether they had accused me or convicted me, whether they had remained silent or whether they defended me, whether they had ever spoken a harsh word or had returned my smiles, I forgave them. I knew I was not the first nor would I be the last, and when I came back to this Earth to return to my work, I would not return with hate in my heart, but with greater compassion for people just like them. Because it was people like me that people like them needed the most.
The Goddess went on to tell me that I was safe, that those wounds of the past did not need to come into the future with me as they had no place here in the present. She told me not to worry about how today would go, to simply go with an open heart and that things would be all right.
As much learning and re-membering that has been taking place for me recently, it’s always reassuring to me know that I have the support of the Universe. As much as I know that my guides are always with me, to have this experience with ‘real talk’ with the Goddess was something truly special.
I’m beginning to see how much in my own way that I can get, and how sometimes all it takes is slowing down, and simply BEing who and what I am. It’s been a couple of months since I have done a full moon ritual centered around release, but I think this upcoming full moon in Sagittarius is the perfect opportunity.
 |
| Image from Pinterest |
I AM a Healer
I DO Provide Guidance
I AM a Priestess
Be
I
Am
Never shy away from who you are, the world needs you.
Do not be discouraged if you are still discovering who and what you are.
You are powerful, you are wise, you are capable.
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Full Moon in Libra Tarot Reading
Hello loves,
I realize this card is coming a bit behind the curve, and while I could thank any number of reasons why, suffice it to say that until this morning I was not connecting with the Universe and if I can't genuinely feel the message coming through, I feel it best not to share.
For this month's reading I decided to work with the DruidCraft Tarot by Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm.
This month's card surprised me a bit, there have been very few times when a Court Card as come up, and I do believe that this may be the first time that one has come up in the reversed position.
I began thinking about all of the energy that is present in the Universe at this time, and seeing this card, I think it hits the nail right on the head.
The Card I pulled, is the King of Pentacles, Reversed.
As soon as I remembered Saturn is in retrograde (which how could I forget being a Capricorn?) I almost started laughing. Venus, Jupiter and Mercury are also in retrograde at the moment, although some not for much longer. If you want to read more about these planets in retrograde, here's a fun article I found, April Vedic Astrology.
With all of the upheaval and the Full Moon being in Libra, calling for balance in all areas of your life, you might be wondering what the King of Pentacles has to say about it.
The King of Pentacles can represent a person who has reached their desired level of comfort. He wants for nothing and has worked hard for his position; he is kind and fair, and enjoys the best life can offer. He is a passionate person who loves his family, and takes pleasure in the material aspect of life.
When not representing a person, this card can mean that great success is being achieved, and it is time to treat yourself for all of your hard work. Perhaps you're closing in on a new home or have landed a new promotion.
However, when the King of Pentacles appears in the reversed position, he could represent a person in your life who is rigid, cold, stubborn, unwilling to compromise. This card could also represent a stall in negotiations or perhaps you could be suffering a financial loss.
As I was meditating on what the strongest message was, there was a great sense of 'holding my breath' like I was on the precipice of some sort of big decision, one that could change everything, I heard the same phrase over and over again,
this is the time to stop and ask yourself, is this really what you want? Whatever the it is for you.
If so, is this really the way you want to go about getting it?
Some times getting to the top means you're at the top alone, and even once you're there, do you have what you need to stay there? There are no guarantees in life, and the King of Pentacles urges you to see the realities for what they are.
Some times in our race to success we often overlook things we should not. The devil is in the details, and as painstaking as it can be, now is a time when it is of utmost importance to be thorough. And what's more, it is even more imperative to be honest with ourselves.
When planets are in retrograde, it can feel like we are under a microscope, which is not exactly a comfortable feeling. But I can promise you, that if you practice patience, and if you're diligent, things will come around, they will work themselves out, and you will be better off for it.
Better to take your time and be confident in yourself and your work than to rush in guns blazing half cocked.
Wishing you all of the best,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
I realize this card is coming a bit behind the curve, and while I could thank any number of reasons why, suffice it to say that until this morning I was not connecting with the Universe and if I can't genuinely feel the message coming through, I feel it best not to share.
For this month's reading I decided to work with the DruidCraft Tarot by Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm.
This month's card surprised me a bit, there have been very few times when a Court Card as come up, and I do believe that this may be the first time that one has come up in the reversed position.
I began thinking about all of the energy that is present in the Universe at this time, and seeing this card, I think it hits the nail right on the head.
The Card I pulled, is the King of Pentacles, Reversed.
As soon as I remembered Saturn is in retrograde (which how could I forget being a Capricorn?) I almost started laughing. Venus, Jupiter and Mercury are also in retrograde at the moment, although some not for much longer. If you want to read more about these planets in retrograde, here's a fun article I found, April Vedic Astrology.
With all of the upheaval and the Full Moon being in Libra, calling for balance in all areas of your life, you might be wondering what the King of Pentacles has to say about it.
The King of Pentacles can represent a person who has reached their desired level of comfort. He wants for nothing and has worked hard for his position; he is kind and fair, and enjoys the best life can offer. He is a passionate person who loves his family, and takes pleasure in the material aspect of life.
When not representing a person, this card can mean that great success is being achieved, and it is time to treat yourself for all of your hard work. Perhaps you're closing in on a new home or have landed a new promotion.
However, when the King of Pentacles appears in the reversed position, he could represent a person in your life who is rigid, cold, stubborn, unwilling to compromise. This card could also represent a stall in negotiations or perhaps you could be suffering a financial loss.
As I was meditating on what the strongest message was, there was a great sense of 'holding my breath' like I was on the precipice of some sort of big decision, one that could change everything, I heard the same phrase over and over again,
this is the time to stop and ask yourself, is this really what you want? Whatever the it is for you.
If so, is this really the way you want to go about getting it?
Some times getting to the top means you're at the top alone, and even once you're there, do you have what you need to stay there? There are no guarantees in life, and the King of Pentacles urges you to see the realities for what they are.
Some times in our race to success we often overlook things we should not. The devil is in the details, and as painstaking as it can be, now is a time when it is of utmost importance to be thorough. And what's more, it is even more imperative to be honest with ourselves.
When planets are in retrograde, it can feel like we are under a microscope, which is not exactly a comfortable feeling. But I can promise you, that if you practice patience, and if you're diligent, things will come around, they will work themselves out, and you will be better off for it.
Better to take your time and be confident in yourself and your work than to rush in guns blazing half cocked.
Wishing you all of the best,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Saturday, March 18, 2017
Full Moon in Virgo Tarot Reading
Hey there loves,
If you have been with me before then this might appear a bit different to you. In a slightly unintentional move while attempting some editing, I ended up deleting all of the pages I've had on my blog; most of which had been deactivated but were still visible, in an effort to remove them, I ended up removing the page where the Monthly Tarot Card used to be.
Rather then attempting to recreate it and to redo the page with every new card, for the time being, I have decided to simply add the Full Moon Tarot Card each month as a regular post, this way those who wish to do so will be able to go back through previous postings and see previous card readings.
With all of that being said! If you are new with me, I have been pulling a monthly tarot card for the majority of my time blogging, and recently felt called to pull during the full moon of each month rather than at the beginning of the month.
When I pull a card, I pull for the general collective, for anyone who either follows my blog on a regular basis or maybe they just check in from time to time. I always smudge myself and my cards before a reading to ensure that not only am I focused but that I am in sacred space to allow the energy and flow of the messages are clear and concise from Spirit.
The deck that I will be using for these monthly card readings is the Oceanic Tarot by Jayne Wallace.
Card: The Vortex
Keywords: Illusions, Temptation
Before I jump into this, I want to openly acknowledge that I am roughly a week behind the full moon, as I stated about, I had this all ready to go and in a twist of fate or humor depending on how you choose to look at it, I lost everything I had written about this reading.
I became frustrated with it all and decided to wait until I had a clear head to really convey the message of this card. And if I'm being completely honest, I think it really worked out in the long run because I've been able to spend this time reflecting on how this card is as much a reminder for me as it is for everyone who is going to see this.
One thing I want to point out about this card is that in the traditional tarot, this card would be the Devil card. However, I feel like the message is so similar that it's almost too on the button, but I think that's how things are when they really hit home.
The Vortex shows to Merfolk caught in an underwater tempest with no real way of knowing if they are capable of making it out or not. I feel that this reflects life a lot of times, or rather, how we view life a lot of the time.
"If it's not one shit show, it's another." Translates to, "If it's not one storm, it's another."
It's tempting to maintain the illusion of continuously being stuck inside of a storm, going from one problem to the next, having to deal with this bullshit here and that bullshit there, when is it ever going to let up?
What this card is asking us to do is to really be honest with ourselves and to break free of the illusion of blame. So often we end up blaming other people for the situations that we find ourselves in, and we do this to the point where we end up refusing to take any form of responsibility. Thus feeding the Vortex, and keeping us in a place of perpetual unhappiness.
The Vortex is asking us to cut the crap and to really be open with ourselves when it comes to the extent of making our own hell. The only person keeping us trapped in that space is ourselves, and the only one who can free us, is ourselves.
When we look at the card we can see the two Merfolk not even close to each other, and yet they wouldn't be able to help each other escape if they can't even get themselves out first.
We encounter so many situations that test our patience, our resolve, our strength; no one said that life was easy. We only have control over ourselves, and how we chose to react to the obstacles that enter our path. That's not to say to never get angry or frustrated, that's just part of the human package, the trick is to not stay in that place.
If you allow yourself to stew and dwell in the negative spaces, that's all you'll be able to see because that is all you will attract to yourself. Leaving the Vortex can be difficult, but it's not impossible. Again, it all comes down to choice.
With the Spring Equinox just a couple of days away and the New Moon following the next week, this is a prime opportunity to really ask yourself, what kind of vortex have I created for myself, and am I ready to leave?
There is no shame in taking it one day at a time, we all learned how to walk one step at a time. Making the choice every single day is a big step in and of itself.
I genuinely feel that this card and this message came up now because so many of us are already on the path to making this kind of change. I also genuinely believe that when I pull these cards for the collective (meaning anyone who sees this posting) needs this message at exactly the time that they find this reading.
It feel like the world is being shaken awake, and this is part of our wake up call, as individuals who are on the path, or perhaps folks who are trying to find the path. This is for you, this is the Universe telling you that you deserve better and all you have to do is believe that it's true and start treating yourself like you deserve better.
Until next time loves,
be sure to take good care,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
If you have been with me before then this might appear a bit different to you. In a slightly unintentional move while attempting some editing, I ended up deleting all of the pages I've had on my blog; most of which had been deactivated but were still visible, in an effort to remove them, I ended up removing the page where the Monthly Tarot Card used to be.
Rather then attempting to recreate it and to redo the page with every new card, for the time being, I have decided to simply add the Full Moon Tarot Card each month as a regular post, this way those who wish to do so will be able to go back through previous postings and see previous card readings.
With all of that being said! If you are new with me, I have been pulling a monthly tarot card for the majority of my time blogging, and recently felt called to pull during the full moon of each month rather than at the beginning of the month.
When I pull a card, I pull for the general collective, for anyone who either follows my blog on a regular basis or maybe they just check in from time to time. I always smudge myself and my cards before a reading to ensure that not only am I focused but that I am in sacred space to allow the energy and flow of the messages are clear and concise from Spirit.
The deck that I will be using for these monthly card readings is the Oceanic Tarot by Jayne Wallace.
Card: The VortexKeywords: Illusions, Temptation
Before I jump into this, I want to openly acknowledge that I am roughly a week behind the full moon, as I stated about, I had this all ready to go and in a twist of fate or humor depending on how you choose to look at it, I lost everything I had written about this reading.
I became frustrated with it all and decided to wait until I had a clear head to really convey the message of this card. And if I'm being completely honest, I think it really worked out in the long run because I've been able to spend this time reflecting on how this card is as much a reminder for me as it is for everyone who is going to see this.
One thing I want to point out about this card is that in the traditional tarot, this card would be the Devil card. However, I feel like the message is so similar that it's almost too on the button, but I think that's how things are when they really hit home.
The Vortex shows to Merfolk caught in an underwater tempest with no real way of knowing if they are capable of making it out or not. I feel that this reflects life a lot of times, or rather, how we view life a lot of the time.
"If it's not one shit show, it's another." Translates to, "If it's not one storm, it's another."
It's tempting to maintain the illusion of continuously being stuck inside of a storm, going from one problem to the next, having to deal with this bullshit here and that bullshit there, when is it ever going to let up?
What this card is asking us to do is to really be honest with ourselves and to break free of the illusion of blame. So often we end up blaming other people for the situations that we find ourselves in, and we do this to the point where we end up refusing to take any form of responsibility. Thus feeding the Vortex, and keeping us in a place of perpetual unhappiness.
The Vortex is asking us to cut the crap and to really be open with ourselves when it comes to the extent of making our own hell. The only person keeping us trapped in that space is ourselves, and the only one who can free us, is ourselves.
When we look at the card we can see the two Merfolk not even close to each other, and yet they wouldn't be able to help each other escape if they can't even get themselves out first.
We encounter so many situations that test our patience, our resolve, our strength; no one said that life was easy. We only have control over ourselves, and how we chose to react to the obstacles that enter our path. That's not to say to never get angry or frustrated, that's just part of the human package, the trick is to not stay in that place.
If you allow yourself to stew and dwell in the negative spaces, that's all you'll be able to see because that is all you will attract to yourself. Leaving the Vortex can be difficult, but it's not impossible. Again, it all comes down to choice.
With the Spring Equinox just a couple of days away and the New Moon following the next week, this is a prime opportunity to really ask yourself, what kind of vortex have I created for myself, and am I ready to leave?
There is no shame in taking it one day at a time, we all learned how to walk one step at a time. Making the choice every single day is a big step in and of itself.
I genuinely feel that this card and this message came up now because so many of us are already on the path to making this kind of change. I also genuinely believe that when I pull these cards for the collective (meaning anyone who sees this posting) needs this message at exactly the time that they find this reading.
It feel like the world is being shaken awake, and this is part of our wake up call, as individuals who are on the path, or perhaps folks who are trying to find the path. This is for you, this is the Universe telling you that you deserve better and all you have to do is believe that it's true and start treating yourself like you deserve better.
Until next time loves,
be sure to take good care,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Moonlight at the End of the Tunnel
Hey there loves,
How is the Full Moon in Leo treating you all? Are you feeling the affects of the eclipse? Were you able to see the comet from your part of the world?
I don't know how the rest of you feel, but this year in particular the month of February feels rather...precarious. Perhaps because at least in my world, so many things have been shifting and moving around. Two major things have been settled within the first half of this month for me; the first being the move which you can read about in my Post Move Update, and the other which is still sinking in.
Before I jump in, I wanted to touch on something that I have noticed in my life, perhaps you have noticed in yours as well. Perhaps you're familiar with the saying, things happen in threes, I've even written a blog post with that exact title.
Over the last nine months I have written several times about my experience with sexual assault, my frustrations, my fears, the hope that I dared to carry as it was something I simply needed to hold onto.
The day before I was set to move, I was in my now old bedroom, finishing up the last of my packing when my phone began to ring. Looking at the caller ID, I knew it had to be one of two people, so I answered it. It was my attorney calling to get my input on what I would be satisfied with as far as a plea deal was concerned and confirming whether or not I had received my subpoena for the following week as we were set to go to trial.
Even now I am grateful that I was sitting down as this was the first I had heard since October. I had been told during that time that I could expect to hear sometime between January and February, but I certainly did not expect it to be right before my move. Rather than go over too many specifics over the phone, we set a meeting to discuss a potential plea deal and to prep for trial in the event that the deal was denied.
It was a long weekend as we waited to hear if the deal would be accepted, and while I wanted to much to be aligned with what would serve my highest good, I prayed to any and all that would listen, to grant me the grace of not going to trial. The thought of reliving the events of that night in excruciating detail would be difficult enough, but to do so in court in front of strangers and further more, causing my partner to relive the pain again made my stomach feel as though it were trying to reach the center of the Earth.
I got the call that Monday morning, the deal had been accepted. I was then asked if I wanted to attend the sentence hearing, and after giving it some thought, I decided to go. I had no desire to see my attacker again, but I knew that hearing and seeing him sentenced would provide a level of closure that I didn't think would be possible.
Sitting in the courtroom I was filled with nerves as we waited for him to be brought in, even remembering it down I can feel the nausea, the lightheaded tingling, my breath laboring as I still couldn't quite believe that I had finally made it to this moment.
Hearing him answer the judge's questions, his voice was strong and resolved, it was hard to tell what he was thinking. I knew he was still in denial about the damage that he had caused, but that didn't matter at this point.
Prior to the proceedings I was told that if I so wished, that I would be given the chance to make a statement, I couldn't begin to think of what I could possibly say that would be constructive, that would be meaningful. Truth be told, there was absolutely nothing that I wanted to say that I also felt needed to be said.
I was being granted justice, the one thing I've wanted more than anything else these last nine months. Sure, I suppose I could have said that while he has forever changed my life, that his will forever be ruined. That just because I agreed to a 'lesser charge' of Sexual Assault II versus Rape I that it doesn't change the meaning of what happened to me that night. That regardless of what his record says or what he chooses to call himself, he is a rapist, and that will never change. Just as I will never not be a rape survivor ever again.
All of those sentiments would have fallen on deaf ears, and the truth is that I didn't want to him to have anything else from me as he had already taken so much.
It's difficult not to become emotional as I think of it all, as I look back at how much pain has been endured, not just by me, but also from the friends and family that watched and supported me as I struggled through to find the person that I was before all of this happened.
During last night's ritual, our ritual host and leader Athena, touched on the story of Isis and Osiris, how when Osiris was murdered by his brother, Isis traveled around the globe searching for the pieces of his being to put him back together, and how the act of re-membering him was the greatest act of love.
Last night we worked with deities from the Hindu tradition that I hadn't known about prior, Rati and Kamadeva; Goddess of Passion and God of Lust. She spoke of how they have a similar story, in that when Kamadeva was murdered, she traveled all around to collect his ashes so that she could re-member him.
Going into the meditative state, I knew could already feel how important being vulnerable and open to healing would be, I could also feel how the urge to resist was lying in wait, like an automatic reflex ready to pull me back.
During the meditation we were lead to a beautiful white marble temple and asked to lay on a bed/mattress in the middle of the room, with Rati and Kamadeva joining us on either side. Sensing my hesitation and my uneasiness, they created an energetic egg around us, and held me the way two parents would hold their frightened child.
I told them how much I knew I needed the healing, how I could almost see the pain slowly becoming a safety blanket and how I knew it wasn't what I wanted, but at the same time, it just happened all the same. They shared with me how the best way to dissolve such things lies in forgiveness. How forgiving the source of the pain is the best way to release it, and how they could see that I held that knowledge within me already. They asked me to please forgive my rapist, how it would be the last step in this process, and then it would simply be living a conscious life, something I was already doing.
I looked inside myself, despite knowing the answer. I saw the girl I was nine months ago, desperately holding into a ball of energy that was so many things all at once; denial, anger, unbelievable pain, sorrow, self-loathing, guilt.
I told them how I just didn't know how to forgive him right now, that I knew I should and that I wanted to want to, but that I couldn't bring myself to truly want to forgive him yet.
They each took on of my hands and showed me other men in my life who had caused me unspeakable pain:
My biological father; his abandonment, his drug and alcohol abuse, his literal denial of my identity. Yet I had forgiven him, and that through his actions I was introduced to a father who loves me unconditionally despite some difficult times.
My ex-fiance; his complete and utter mistreatment of me throughout the course of our relationship, his betrayal when he cheated on me with someone I considered to be a best friend, his swift resolve to move on and marry someone new less then two years after our engagement ended. Yet, I had forgiven him. Rather then considering our years together as wasted time, it provided me a clear picture of what I wanted from a relationship, from a partner.
Then there was my rapist. Yes, he was by far the worst in that he violated my being in every way that a person can be violated. And yet, from all of this I have gained so much, I have learned so much, and I will live a life far more fulfilling then I would have previously thought possible. I made it through the most difficult, painful, and trying event of my life, and here I was. And here I am.
We were beginning to be called back, I embraced each in turn and thanked them from the bottom of my heart for their love, their guidance and their healing. My journey to justice is complete, resolved. I sent my rapist to jail. I am in a beautiful new home with a man that I love and adore, two animals who make me laugh every day, and I am able to wake up every morning and be grateful for all of the miracles and blessings that have been gifted to me.
I realize and fully accept that forgiveness is something that I will come to in my own time and is something that I know will serve me, but I also know that some times when we resolve to forgive people who have hurt us, it can feel like we are 'giving them a pass' for what happened to us. It can feel like we are sweeping it under the rug, it can feel like we are saying that those events didn't happen, that what we endured doesn't matter.
What forgiveness really means, is that in spite of the pain and struggle, that we are more important then the person who hurt us. That our happiness, our love for ourselves, and our desire to move on is more important then staying in those spaces where it hurts. That's not to say that we are always ready to immediately move on from the hurt, because nothing heals over night. I'm not ready to fully move on from the pain and suffering that I feel. Some days I feel it more then others, and when I have those days, it's just as important to acknowledge and honor the pain for what it is.
For me personally, forgiveness means that I am not willing to live in the past. It means that I care more about my future then I do about what happened to me trying to get to where I want to go. By forgiving those who have hurt me, it means that I am choosing to become stronger rather then let those experiences weaken me.
Having these views and these beliefs doesn't always make things easier, in fact, most of the time it makes things more difficult, but it makes every experience infinitely worth more.
Whatever you might being going through, however you might be struggling, please know that you are never alone. As impossible as it may feel, you are strong enough to get through the struggles that you're facing.
The resources that I am sharing below, I have shared once before, but if this is your first time with me, I want to be sure that you see these. Use them yourself, share them with your friends and family, or perhaps you don't know who they will help, you never know who will benefit from them. I know that they have certainly helped me.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-TALK
Here is the link to the private chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 or 1-800-656-HOPE
Here is the link to the private chat: https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp
https://www.rainn.org/
RAINN is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. They are bursting with information, and one of the main resources I used, including their confidential chat which I utilized while I decided on a therapist.
https://www.notalone.gov/resources/
Not Alone was also incredibly helpful because it provided me with a list of crisis centers as well as a hot line that is confidential and 24/7
http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_national_type.php?type_id=1056
WomensLaw is a great site for information about different organizations, statics, and additional resources to get you the help that you need.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Lifeline is always a resource to be aware of regardless of what crisis you might be facing, there is someone who is willing to be there for you.
How is the Full Moon in Leo treating you all? Are you feeling the affects of the eclipse? Were you able to see the comet from your part of the world?
 |
| Image from http://siriusastro.pl/ |
I don't know how the rest of you feel, but this year in particular the month of February feels rather...precarious. Perhaps because at least in my world, so many things have been shifting and moving around. Two major things have been settled within the first half of this month for me; the first being the move which you can read about in my Post Move Update, and the other which is still sinking in.
Before I jump in, I wanted to touch on something that I have noticed in my life, perhaps you have noticed in yours as well. Perhaps you're familiar with the saying, things happen in threes, I've even written a blog post with that exact title.
Over the last nine months I have written several times about my experience with sexual assault, my frustrations, my fears, the hope that I dared to carry as it was something I simply needed to hold onto.
The day before I was set to move, I was in my now old bedroom, finishing up the last of my packing when my phone began to ring. Looking at the caller ID, I knew it had to be one of two people, so I answered it. It was my attorney calling to get my input on what I would be satisfied with as far as a plea deal was concerned and confirming whether or not I had received my subpoena for the following week as we were set to go to trial.
Even now I am grateful that I was sitting down as this was the first I had heard since October. I had been told during that time that I could expect to hear sometime between January and February, but I certainly did not expect it to be right before my move. Rather than go over too many specifics over the phone, we set a meeting to discuss a potential plea deal and to prep for trial in the event that the deal was denied.
It was a long weekend as we waited to hear if the deal would be accepted, and while I wanted to much to be aligned with what would serve my highest good, I prayed to any and all that would listen, to grant me the grace of not going to trial. The thought of reliving the events of that night in excruciating detail would be difficult enough, but to do so in court in front of strangers and further more, causing my partner to relive the pain again made my stomach feel as though it were trying to reach the center of the Earth.
I got the call that Monday morning, the deal had been accepted. I was then asked if I wanted to attend the sentence hearing, and after giving it some thought, I decided to go. I had no desire to see my attacker again, but I knew that hearing and seeing him sentenced would provide a level of closure that I didn't think would be possible.
Sitting in the courtroom I was filled with nerves as we waited for him to be brought in, even remembering it down I can feel the nausea, the lightheaded tingling, my breath laboring as I still couldn't quite believe that I had finally made it to this moment.
Hearing him answer the judge's questions, his voice was strong and resolved, it was hard to tell what he was thinking. I knew he was still in denial about the damage that he had caused, but that didn't matter at this point.
Prior to the proceedings I was told that if I so wished, that I would be given the chance to make a statement, I couldn't begin to think of what I could possibly say that would be constructive, that would be meaningful. Truth be told, there was absolutely nothing that I wanted to say that I also felt needed to be said.
I was being granted justice, the one thing I've wanted more than anything else these last nine months. Sure, I suppose I could have said that while he has forever changed my life, that his will forever be ruined. That just because I agreed to a 'lesser charge' of Sexual Assault II versus Rape I that it doesn't change the meaning of what happened to me that night. That regardless of what his record says or what he chooses to call himself, he is a rapist, and that will never change. Just as I will never not be a rape survivor ever again.
All of those sentiments would have fallen on deaf ears, and the truth is that I didn't want to him to have anything else from me as he had already taken so much.
It's difficult not to become emotional as I think of it all, as I look back at how much pain has been endured, not just by me, but also from the friends and family that watched and supported me as I struggled through to find the person that I was before all of this happened.
During last night's ritual, our ritual host and leader Athena, touched on the story of Isis and Osiris, how when Osiris was murdered by his brother, Isis traveled around the globe searching for the pieces of his being to put him back together, and how the act of re-membering him was the greatest act of love.
Last night we worked with deities from the Hindu tradition that I hadn't known about prior, Rati and Kamadeva; Goddess of Passion and God of Lust. She spoke of how they have a similar story, in that when Kamadeva was murdered, she traveled all around to collect his ashes so that she could re-member him.
Going into the meditative state, I knew could already feel how important being vulnerable and open to healing would be, I could also feel how the urge to resist was lying in wait, like an automatic reflex ready to pull me back.
During the meditation we were lead to a beautiful white marble temple and asked to lay on a bed/mattress in the middle of the room, with Rati and Kamadeva joining us on either side. Sensing my hesitation and my uneasiness, they created an energetic egg around us, and held me the way two parents would hold their frightened child.
I told them how much I knew I needed the healing, how I could almost see the pain slowly becoming a safety blanket and how I knew it wasn't what I wanted, but at the same time, it just happened all the same. They shared with me how the best way to dissolve such things lies in forgiveness. How forgiving the source of the pain is the best way to release it, and how they could see that I held that knowledge within me already. They asked me to please forgive my rapist, how it would be the last step in this process, and then it would simply be living a conscious life, something I was already doing.
I looked inside myself, despite knowing the answer. I saw the girl I was nine months ago, desperately holding into a ball of energy that was so many things all at once; denial, anger, unbelievable pain, sorrow, self-loathing, guilt.
I told them how I just didn't know how to forgive him right now, that I knew I should and that I wanted to want to, but that I couldn't bring myself to truly want to forgive him yet.
They each took on of my hands and showed me other men in my life who had caused me unspeakable pain:
My biological father; his abandonment, his drug and alcohol abuse, his literal denial of my identity. Yet I had forgiven him, and that through his actions I was introduced to a father who loves me unconditionally despite some difficult times.
My ex-fiance; his complete and utter mistreatment of me throughout the course of our relationship, his betrayal when he cheated on me with someone I considered to be a best friend, his swift resolve to move on and marry someone new less then two years after our engagement ended. Yet, I had forgiven him. Rather then considering our years together as wasted time, it provided me a clear picture of what I wanted from a relationship, from a partner.
Then there was my rapist. Yes, he was by far the worst in that he violated my being in every way that a person can be violated. And yet, from all of this I have gained so much, I have learned so much, and I will live a life far more fulfilling then I would have previously thought possible. I made it through the most difficult, painful, and trying event of my life, and here I was. And here I am.
We were beginning to be called back, I embraced each in turn and thanked them from the bottom of my heart for their love, their guidance and their healing. My journey to justice is complete, resolved. I sent my rapist to jail. I am in a beautiful new home with a man that I love and adore, two animals who make me laugh every day, and I am able to wake up every morning and be grateful for all of the miracles and blessings that have been gifted to me.
I realize and fully accept that forgiveness is something that I will come to in my own time and is something that I know will serve me, but I also know that some times when we resolve to forgive people who have hurt us, it can feel like we are 'giving them a pass' for what happened to us. It can feel like we are sweeping it under the rug, it can feel like we are saying that those events didn't happen, that what we endured doesn't matter.
What forgiveness really means, is that in spite of the pain and struggle, that we are more important then the person who hurt us. That our happiness, our love for ourselves, and our desire to move on is more important then staying in those spaces where it hurts. That's not to say that we are always ready to immediately move on from the hurt, because nothing heals over night. I'm not ready to fully move on from the pain and suffering that I feel. Some days I feel it more then others, and when I have those days, it's just as important to acknowledge and honor the pain for what it is.
For me personally, forgiveness means that I am not willing to live in the past. It means that I care more about my future then I do about what happened to me trying to get to where I want to go. By forgiving those who have hurt me, it means that I am choosing to become stronger rather then let those experiences weaken me.
Having these views and these beliefs doesn't always make things easier, in fact, most of the time it makes things more difficult, but it makes every experience infinitely worth more.
Whatever you might being going through, however you might be struggling, please know that you are never alone. As impossible as it may feel, you are strong enough to get through the struggles that you're facing.
The resources that I am sharing below, I have shared once before, but if this is your first time with me, I want to be sure that you see these. Use them yourself, share them with your friends and family, or perhaps you don't know who they will help, you never know who will benefit from them. I know that they have certainly helped me.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-TALK
Here is the link to the private chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 or 1-800-656-HOPE
Here is the link to the private chat: https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp
https://www.rainn.org/
RAINN is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. They are bursting with information, and one of the main resources I used, including their confidential chat which I utilized while I decided on a therapist.
https://www.notalone.gov/resources/
Not Alone was also incredibly helpful because it provided me with a list of crisis centers as well as a hot line that is confidential and 24/7
http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_national_type.php?type_id=1056
WomensLaw is a great site for information about different organizations, statics, and additional resources to get you the help that you need.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Lifeline is always a resource to be aware of regardless of what crisis you might be facing, there is someone who is willing to be there for you.
Love and Healing to you now and always dear ones,
Thursday, February 9, 2017
Post Move Update
Hey there loves,
I can honestly say that I don't think I've had so much happen in a seven day span as this previous week. I doubt that in this particular update that I will touch on everything that has taken place, but I just wanted to take some time and talk to you all.
As of yesterday I have been in my new home for one week, and am pleased to say that for the most part my partner and I are settled in. The move went smoothly enough, with the small exception that we were informed of a minor flood in our apartment that had been discovered a few days prior.
We were very fortunate to be moving into a space that had been updated with new appliances, carpet, counter tops, a fresh paint job, etc. It turns out that when the new washer and dryer were being installed the valve on the hot water heater cracked and went unnoticed at first, so we spent the first few days in our new space with very large fans designed to remove all of the moisture not just from the carper but from the walls also, which thankfully was successful.
A minor downside is that we are still waiting to have some of the floor boards put back into place and a section of the wall in our laundry area rebuilt which has prevented us from putting together our bookshelves, and as that it is the remainder of what needs to be unpacked, it's hard not to feel accomplished for such a short amount of time.
One side affect of not having our bookshelves together is that I have not set up any sort of alter or sacred space as of yet, what's more is I haven't even smudged! Typically as a rule of thumb, I smudge my new living space any time I move somewhere new, but as all of my sacred tools are carefully packed away, that includes my sage as well.
Rather than overthink it however, I asked my guides, my ancestors, and of course Spirit to bless my new home. I also called to Brigid and welcomed her into my space, I invited her to make my new home her home and asked that she also bestow her blessing not just onto the space and to myself, but for my partner and for harmony between our two animals. Mostly for my cat as she is nearing 11 years old and has never had to share all of her space with another animal. While she has lived with other pets before, she's always had a room or space that was specifically hers. That being said, they're doing surprisingly well, for which both my partner and I are grateful for.
I am also exceedingly grateful to simply have my own space again. For the past two years I have been sharing a three bedroom apartment with up to five roommates. Not that I dislike anyone I've lived with, but the simple fact that my life style was so drastically different from everyone else's made things difficult to say that least. Not to say that I never frustrated my roommates, I can easily imagine it being a two-way street.
Regardless, I left on good terms with everyone and hope to stay in touch with the one's I have known the longest.
Another thing that I am looking forward to getting back to now that I have the free space to do so, is to get back to spell crafting. I may not have talked about it too much in the past, but when I was living on my own I felt much more inclined to ritual, to spell work, meditation and overall just being more active in my practice. I think in part due to the fact that I am not constantly attempting to shield myself and my space from outside energies as, well, it takes a lot of energy!
Plus with this full moon in Leo, I am feeling the itch and the desire to dive deeper into creative side, something that has felt rather lacking, almost dormant for the past several weeks if not months. I am still carrying with me part of the message that I received during the last full moon, which was to continue to rest. Some work needs to be done, which is to be expected, but now as the snow seems to be staying away (knock on wood!) and the temperature is steadily climbing, I am beginning to feel my inner energies stir and stretch up and outwards. I am also feeling a very strong desire to be organized and practical in very aspect of my life rather then being so, "well, we'll see when I get there."
I anticipate that once I get everything unpacked and really settled in, that I will pick up my studies again regarding chakras and diving deeper into my study of the tarot, which I have not forgotten about the monthly tarot card, I hope to have that up tomorrow.
For now I think this is a good stopping point as the other big event from the past week requires its own posting. If you're interested in honoring the full moon tomorrow night but are not sure how or don't have a lot of time, I would encourage you to join myself and many others with Sage Goddess for the February Full Moon Ritual.
I absolutely love these rituals and always come away feeling refreshed and connected to Spirit. If you haven't done so yet, I was so inspired by last months ritual that I wrote about it; Full Moon, Late Night.
I have said so before and I will say again that I am in no way affiliated with Sage Goddess, and I receive nothing for promoting them, I truly do just love the community and the rituals. If you're curious and want to see what rituals have been done in the past, I'll include a link to their YouTube Channel where you can go through the archives of previous years rituals. Sage Goddess Playlists
Well, I suppose it's time I get ready for work as I certainly enjoyed my three day weekend after what has certainly been a transformative week to say the least. It really does feel so good to be home.
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
I can honestly say that I don't think I've had so much happen in a seven day span as this previous week. I doubt that in this particular update that I will touch on everything that has taken place, but I just wanted to take some time and talk to you all.
As of yesterday I have been in my new home for one week, and am pleased to say that for the most part my partner and I are settled in. The move went smoothly enough, with the small exception that we were informed of a minor flood in our apartment that had been discovered a few days prior.
We were very fortunate to be moving into a space that had been updated with new appliances, carpet, counter tops, a fresh paint job, etc. It turns out that when the new washer and dryer were being installed the valve on the hot water heater cracked and went unnoticed at first, so we spent the first few days in our new space with very large fans designed to remove all of the moisture not just from the carper but from the walls also, which thankfully was successful.
A minor downside is that we are still waiting to have some of the floor boards put back into place and a section of the wall in our laundry area rebuilt which has prevented us from putting together our bookshelves, and as that it is the remainder of what needs to be unpacked, it's hard not to feel accomplished for such a short amount of time.
One side affect of not having our bookshelves together is that I have not set up any sort of alter or sacred space as of yet, what's more is I haven't even smudged! Typically as a rule of thumb, I smudge my new living space any time I move somewhere new, but as all of my sacred tools are carefully packed away, that includes my sage as well.
Rather than overthink it however, I asked my guides, my ancestors, and of course Spirit to bless my new home. I also called to Brigid and welcomed her into my space, I invited her to make my new home her home and asked that she also bestow her blessing not just onto the space and to myself, but for my partner and for harmony between our two animals. Mostly for my cat as she is nearing 11 years old and has never had to share all of her space with another animal. While she has lived with other pets before, she's always had a room or space that was specifically hers. That being said, they're doing surprisingly well, for which both my partner and I are grateful for.
I am also exceedingly grateful to simply have my own space again. For the past two years I have been sharing a three bedroom apartment with up to five roommates. Not that I dislike anyone I've lived with, but the simple fact that my life style was so drastically different from everyone else's made things difficult to say that least. Not to say that I never frustrated my roommates, I can easily imagine it being a two-way street.
Regardless, I left on good terms with everyone and hope to stay in touch with the one's I have known the longest.
Another thing that I am looking forward to getting back to now that I have the free space to do so, is to get back to spell crafting. I may not have talked about it too much in the past, but when I was living on my own I felt much more inclined to ritual, to spell work, meditation and overall just being more active in my practice. I think in part due to the fact that I am not constantly attempting to shield myself and my space from outside energies as, well, it takes a lot of energy!
Plus with this full moon in Leo, I am feeling the itch and the desire to dive deeper into creative side, something that has felt rather lacking, almost dormant for the past several weeks if not months. I am still carrying with me part of the message that I received during the last full moon, which was to continue to rest. Some work needs to be done, which is to be expected, but now as the snow seems to be staying away (knock on wood!) and the temperature is steadily climbing, I am beginning to feel my inner energies stir and stretch up and outwards. I am also feeling a very strong desire to be organized and practical in very aspect of my life rather then being so, "well, we'll see when I get there."
I anticipate that once I get everything unpacked and really settled in, that I will pick up my studies again regarding chakras and diving deeper into my study of the tarot, which I have not forgotten about the monthly tarot card, I hope to have that up tomorrow.
For now I think this is a good stopping point as the other big event from the past week requires its own posting. If you're interested in honoring the full moon tomorrow night but are not sure how or don't have a lot of time, I would encourage you to join myself and many others with Sage Goddess for the February Full Moon Ritual.
I absolutely love these rituals and always come away feeling refreshed and connected to Spirit. If you haven't done so yet, I was so inspired by last months ritual that I wrote about it; Full Moon, Late Night.
I have said so before and I will say again that I am in no way affiliated with Sage Goddess, and I receive nothing for promoting them, I truly do just love the community and the rituals. If you're curious and want to see what rituals have been done in the past, I'll include a link to their YouTube Channel where you can go through the archives of previous years rituals. Sage Goddess Playlists
Well, I suppose it's time I get ready for work as I certainly enjoyed my three day weekend after what has certainly been a transformative week to say the least. It really does feel so good to be home.
Brightest Blessings to you all,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Friday, January 13, 2017
Full Moon, Late Night
Good evening loves,
Happy Full Moon in Cancer!
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Happy Full Moon in Cancer!
Oh man, it's been a little over two years since I felt so moved after a full moon ritual, that I wanted to write about it. In fact, I believe that it was my first full moon ritual with Sage Goddess that I felt my spirit awaken, and was filled with the desire to create. And for a while there, I was writing almost every day, there was so much that was on my mind, that I wanted to share, that so desperately needed to be released that for a time it was just pouring out all over the place.
You may very well be feeling similarly with the Moon in her home planet tonight. If you're feeling like a mess or feeling overwhelmed, rest assured that after tomorrow the Moon begins her journey to Leo, which should prove to be rather interesting next month given that (at least in the society where I reside) Valentine's Day is a HUGE focus point for February, regardless of whether it is viewed in a positive or negative light. (But who doesn't like moon light, right?)
If you are currently in the one state that does not currently have snow, I will admit, I am slightly envious. As I have mentioned previously, and as I say in my bio, I live in the Pacific Northwest of the United States; we don't really get snow here, and in fact, as of yesterday, we are in a State of Emergency. It's a big deal for us.
This week I was given the unexpected gift of a three day weekend, which has been extended to four due to the weather, and in this time I have been able to be still, to be quiet, to go inward and connect with my spirit and my guides in a way which I have not experienced in longer then I wish were true.
It's given me such a wonderful opportunity to come back here and to start anew with the new year, to remind myself how much I love doing this; writing and sharing and connecting with any and all of those who take the time to read what I have to say.
With all this unexpected free time, I knew I wanted to dedicate as much time as possible doing the things that I feel like I 'don't have time for' such as ritual. It was really important to me to be present and participate in this month's ritual for a couple of reasons. The main reason being that I missed the feeling of ritual, I missed the guided meditations, I missed connecting with the Universe in such a profound way, as I am able to do during these rituals if I give myself the chance.
Another reason it was so important to me to participate in the ritual tonight was because I felt a very subtle but sincere pull. Which really got my attention because earlier today I sat before my alter and prayed for the first time, maybe ever. In my prayers I petitioned my goddess and a god from a pantheon a world away to help me maintain this emotional stability I seem to have stumbled upon. I can't say exactly what triggered these feels of security, but I have just been overwhelmed with gratitude, and for what feels like the first time, I have been able to suppress the feelings of anxiety, nervousness, worry, fear.
Ah, fear. My old nemesis. As I sat down to write about tonight's experience, I was reminded how I felt so compelled to write after my first full moon ritual, and I decided to glance over it to see what these two experiences might share.
It was during that first ritual that I discovered how fear had wound its way into damn near if not every aspect of my life, and how determined I was to eliminate fear from my life, and how I believed that 2015 would be the best year of my life. Well, that just wasn't the case. 2015 turned out to be one of the most difficult years of my life, but looking back now I can see how much was purged; that it took being on the edge of emotional and mental crippling for me to pull myself back and to blossom into the person that I would always reach out for but could never quite touch.
Just like my first ritual with Sage Goddess, if I had to describe my experience tonight using only one word, that word would be: intense.
I've been sharing on my Facebook page and Instagram, and even in my previous posting how things have been almost eerily falling into place, and how there have been multiple signs and synchronicities over the last several days - since the snow came! - and how it's almost been freaking me out. Almost.
Rather than be skeptical or push these gifts away (out of fear, i.e. it's too good to be true), I have found myself smiling and laughing in delight, and expressing sincere gratitude almost without thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, there have been moments where I have felt the fear and the worry creeping up on me, and there have even been a few moments here and there where that negative energy has filled my whole body. But what is miraculous to me is that I have been able to dis-spell those feelings.
When I felt myself struggling to do so is when I went before my alter and called to the Universe to help support me. I voiced my concerns, I asked for guidance, for reassurance, for strength to keep on the track I have worked so hard to be on.
December of 2014 I made a commitment to myself to expel fear from my life. Tonight during ritual we traveled to meet with Zues and Athena, and during that experience I was gifted with the quiet revelation that I have nothing left to fear. That the fear I experience is an illusion, a cheap trick of my ego to keep me in a place of suffering.
I was given a gift from both Athena and Zues, and even now hours after closing the circle, I can still feel their presence, their love and the soft look of pride in their eyes. I don't know that I have ever felt pride from any deity that I have ever worked with.
This ritual has provided me with so much clarity, so much hope, so much peace. Even our ritual leader, also named Athena, spoke of things that resonated with me so deeply. There was one thing in particular that she touched on that I felt really hit the nail on the head.
She spoke of this energy that has been in the field that is prompting us (I say that as a general collective) to get moving and get working, like the energy of Spring has come early. Which may very well explain my burst of energy to work on this blog so diligently, in addition to a couple of other projects that I mentioned previously in the vaguest way possible (of course.)
She reminded us that we are still in the period of rest, and how important it is to continue to allow ourselves this time so that when Spring does come around, that we have our reserves still in place. Now, Spring doesn't officially come around until late March (for us here in the Northern Hemisphere anyway), but we don't necessarily have to wait that long. February 1st also know as Imbolc/Imbolg is when the Earth begins to thaw and we begin to see the first signs of new life, such as animals giving birth, flowers starting to bloom, hopefully warmer temperatures....
I am so grateful that Athena touched on this, because holy cow have I been feeling that go, go, go energy. For the most part I have been able to rein it in and keep it in check, if you don't count the five postings in the last three, maybe four days...
Retaining my energy may prove to be a bit of a challenge simply do to the fact that I will be moving in three weeks, which is really soon. I am not moving far and I don't have much to move, but moving tends to be stressful and in addition to having lots of books, I have heavy furniture.
That being said, I will be in my new home right around Imbolc, which is one more beautiful synchronicity that the Universe is blessing me with, so, definitely no complaints here. Tomorrow is the last day of my 'snow-cation' and I have to say that I am looking forward to getting back to my regular routine.
Since our lovely Moon is going to be spending another day in her home of Cancer, I would sincerely encourage you to take an hour, and check out January's Full Moon Ritual, even if you just watch. I think you'll come away feeling glad that you did.
One final note; full moons are a fantastic time to release and with this being the first full moon of 2017, really consider what needs to be left in 2016. Allow yourself to come into 2017 with less on your plate, less on your shoulders, and less weighing on your heart. It's okay to let those things go. Some times that's what needs to happen in order for all of the new and wonderful things to appear in your life.
I'm not saying that it's not difficult, or painful, or scary to do so. I am saying that you're strong enough, and that you deserve the peace that will come from moving on from what no longer serves you. You've made it this far, and just think of how much further you can go when you allow yourself the freedom to do so.
Brightest Blessings to you all,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Speaking from the Heart
Hey there my dears,
There are some stories, ideas or articles that tend to write themselves, and there are those such as this one where I feel the need to write and to express myself, but the meat and juice of this project require something more than a simple need.
They take courage, they take resolve, and they take honesty.
When I very first thought about writing a blog I fully intended to carve out time however often to write about my thoughts, my experiences and just whatever else came to me. There was a chunk of time there where I was dedicated and writing in this blog was really all I had.
Things shift and change, the currents ebb and flow and there are simply some days where all we can do is our best to either hang on or to ride the waves to the best of our abilities.
I've written before about living with depression; the darkness I feel inside often lurking, slumbering - how even the slightest rocking of the boat can cause it to awaken and reek havoc. I've written about how most of the time, there seems to be no real reason or culprit for feeling the way that I do, because for all intents and purposes, that's just how it works.
So what does someone like me do when there is a reason, when there is a culprit?
From what I have witnessed people come up with one of two options:
1. Cover it up with positivity and pretending that it doesn't hurt as much as it does.
2. Start doing research about how to hurt them magically without having any of the resounding affects come back at yourself, making the situation worse.
Now, considering it's been some time since I've written about these things and my beliefs and ideas have grown and evolved, I have even more to contend with.
To recap; I believe in soul contracts, karma, multiple reasons behind every event that shapes one's life on any and all levels.
So when something horrible and traumatic happens, does all of that stuff fly out the window?
Not in the slightest. They may certainly take a backseat for a time while the rest of me figures things out, gets some processing done, and then I slowly bring them back around.
Because let's be honest, "Why did XYZ happen?" is a natural response, but it's not the first thing we process. It's something we come back to, some times even years later because depending on the event, it can take us that long to be ready to consider the question in search of an answer.
I recently wrote about being sexually assaulted, and the other day I contacted my advocate at the DA's office to see if any progress had been made, come to find out they hadn't even reviewed it yet. It was explained to me that the lawyer who was assigned my case had just finished two trials and that they had been very busy, to please call back at the end of the month and that should be sufficient time.
Looking back I am surprised that I kept my composure while I was on the phone, and even for a few brief moments once the call ended. It felt like time had slowed as I attempted to process what I had just been told.
I hesitated calling that morning, I was so afraid of hearing bad news, and I did. The words spoken to me were formal with a hint of understanding, but what translated to my mind and my heart was that the file of my case was in a pile, god knows where, and hadn't even been looked at.
I was filled with rage and pain and what felt like a lack of justice. I felt insignificant, and that the suffering that I have struggled to endure meant nothing to anyone but me. As the tears began to well and fall, I told myself no; I wasn't going to cry. But then I told myself yes, I deserve to cry. So I did.
I cried from so deep inside, I wondered how I was going to make it an additional couple of weeks simply waiting for an answer that might not even be there, and I'd already waited longer than I was originally told I would have to wait.
In those moments I felt so small, and so unimportant that I gave myself an opportunity to just be real about the negative feelings I usually try to keep in check. I cried to the Universe, to Source and was perhaps the most vulnerable, and raw conversation I've ever allowed myself to have.
I expressed how much I wanted my attacker to suffer, how badly I wanted them to hurt, that I hoped he lived in hell every single day not knowing if the police were going to come for him that day. How I hoped that he didn't sleep or eat for every day that I couldn't bring myself to do it, how much I wanted him to see a monster every time he looked into a mirror, that every time he laughed or smiled that he was filled with a sickening guilt that lasted for hours.
Allowing myself to feel and say all of those things caused me to cry harder, because I hate feeling this way. I asked Spirit to understand that all of these thoughts and feelings came from a place of hurt, that I would never want to be responsible for manifesting such things. That even through all of this trauma and hell, I've worked so hard at being the person I was, the person I want to be: happy, optimistic, and understanding.
It was then that Spirit spoke back to me, something I sincerely was not expecting. At first it was a feeling of being enveloped in love and compassion, and true understanding of the pain I walk with everyday. Then very softly I heard the message,
"We know, we watch you, we understand the difference. We are here for you always." It was the sound of a thousand voices from a thousand lifetimes of guides and ancestors and loved ones that make up Spirit and that makes us who and what we are, because we carry Spirit with us.
Later that day I had an appointment with my therapist and I told her about the phone call with the DA, by that time I'd rationalized my feelings somewhat, but when I felt the ripple of pain that I knew would come up, I let myself cry.
I expressed to her that at this point, the worst part of this whole experience, is the waiting. How I have literally done everything I can to get my life back together and to move forward and begin to heal, but that waiting for the judicial system is a hell of it's own kind.
It was then that I was reminded to a scene from the CW's Supernatural. I described to her briefly how a demon becomes King of Hell and he remodels hell to an endless line, in a darkened hallway without anything to distract you, and how once you reach the front of the line, you immediately return to the end of the line.
"That's what it feels like." I told her. She sat there a few moments picturing it in her head, perhaps even trying to put herself in that scenario. I then spoke about how even though it was incredibly difficult hearing that my case had yet to be reviewed, that there was still hope. My case hadn't gone anywhere, it hadn't been thrown out or dismissed. That was the silver lining, and dear god, I was holding onto it as tightly as I could, because I need it.
We always have a choice, and the choice I am making for myself everyday, is to look forward and to focus on the things I can do for myself.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that I cannot ask myself why I had this experience, I cannot go back to that night and ask myself why I took the steps that I did, because I have already accepted responsibility for the choices I made in what I believe to be good conscious. If I look at them too much, I slip over the line and begin to start taking responsibility for what I had no control over.
I cannot and will not ever take responsibility for the choices he made. Because those are his and his alone. I will not lie, it has been tempting to take the route of revenge, it's not a hard road to get on, but I have chosen to take the road that I believe is the right one for myself.
It's hell, waiting and wondering what will or will not happen, but I know that Spirit hears me. I know that the Universe is taking care of me, and I accept that when this situation is resolved, that it might not look the way that I want it to look. But I feel if I do not ask for justice, if I do not pray in my own way that I will wonder why the hell I remained silent.
I lived so much inside of my own head every single day, and while I may have been good at lying to myself in the past, I cannot do that with this situation. I want him to go to jail more than I want most things, I want him on a sex offenders list, and I want him to carry his actions with him every single day. I want him to take responsibility, and just own up to what he did.
I realize that I might sound a tad fanatical when I say that I do my best to trust in Spirit every day. I understand how I might sound desperate when I say that I believe in a greater force who sincerely does take care of me, and that this force in the end will bring me justice.
But I say these things because I genuinely do believe, and because I believe, I feel that I have an easier time walking and living in this hell that I reside in, even if it's by a mere fraction.
I have so many wonderful friends and family who love and support me, and I have an incredibly partner who is my rock and my strength, but they are not with me all the time; I believe that Spirit is though, and Spirit helps me hold on, Spirit helps keep me sane, and helps to remind me of the person I know I am and can be.
I know that it's going to take time, but I try to focus on the bright future that I have before me, and one day, this will all be behind me.
I ask Spirit to help me build that future everyday, or at least to remind me of it, because some days are so much harder than others. But I draw strength from those who love me, and I remind myself that if I quit, then my attacker wins. I cannot let that happen. When everything else feels bleak, that simple thought it what gets me going again. I cannot let him win.
I know that I am never alone, and I hope that everyone who reads this, knows that they are not alone. There is always hope, there is always the chance for happiness, you just have to want it enough. And I want my future more than anything. If I never see the person again, it will be too soon, but I hold onto a picture I see in my mind of my future, with a loving partner, a warm home and a career that I am passionate about; and they with nothing, in the same place they have always been in.
It is a full moon tonight, and an eclipse, and I cannot wait to burn some candles, and work some healing for not only myself but for those who have endured on this journey with me. I'll also be sending out healing to anyone who feels alone and hopeless, I pray that it reaches every heart that they are needed, and cherished and loved, because you are.
I wish you all the brightest blessing, have a splendid Full Moon in Aquarius,
Thealynn
There are some stories, ideas or articles that tend to write themselves, and there are those such as this one where I feel the need to write and to express myself, but the meat and juice of this project require something more than a simple need.
They take courage, they take resolve, and they take honesty.
When I very first thought about writing a blog I fully intended to carve out time however often to write about my thoughts, my experiences and just whatever else came to me. There was a chunk of time there where I was dedicated and writing in this blog was really all I had.
Things shift and change, the currents ebb and flow and there are simply some days where all we can do is our best to either hang on or to ride the waves to the best of our abilities.
I've written before about living with depression; the darkness I feel inside often lurking, slumbering - how even the slightest rocking of the boat can cause it to awaken and reek havoc. I've written about how most of the time, there seems to be no real reason or culprit for feeling the way that I do, because for all intents and purposes, that's just how it works.
So what does someone like me do when there is a reason, when there is a culprit?
From what I have witnessed people come up with one of two options:
1. Cover it up with positivity and pretending that it doesn't hurt as much as it does.
2. Start doing research about how to hurt them magically without having any of the resounding affects come back at yourself, making the situation worse.
Now, considering it's been some time since I've written about these things and my beliefs and ideas have grown and evolved, I have even more to contend with.
To recap; I believe in soul contracts, karma, multiple reasons behind every event that shapes one's life on any and all levels.
So when something horrible and traumatic happens, does all of that stuff fly out the window?
Not in the slightest. They may certainly take a backseat for a time while the rest of me figures things out, gets some processing done, and then I slowly bring them back around.
Because let's be honest, "Why did XYZ happen?" is a natural response, but it's not the first thing we process. It's something we come back to, some times even years later because depending on the event, it can take us that long to be ready to consider the question in search of an answer.
I recently wrote about being sexually assaulted, and the other day I contacted my advocate at the DA's office to see if any progress had been made, come to find out they hadn't even reviewed it yet. It was explained to me that the lawyer who was assigned my case had just finished two trials and that they had been very busy, to please call back at the end of the month and that should be sufficient time.
Looking back I am surprised that I kept my composure while I was on the phone, and even for a few brief moments once the call ended. It felt like time had slowed as I attempted to process what I had just been told.
I hesitated calling that morning, I was so afraid of hearing bad news, and I did. The words spoken to me were formal with a hint of understanding, but what translated to my mind and my heart was that the file of my case was in a pile, god knows where, and hadn't even been looked at.
I was filled with rage and pain and what felt like a lack of justice. I felt insignificant, and that the suffering that I have struggled to endure meant nothing to anyone but me. As the tears began to well and fall, I told myself no; I wasn't going to cry. But then I told myself yes, I deserve to cry. So I did.
I cried from so deep inside, I wondered how I was going to make it an additional couple of weeks simply waiting for an answer that might not even be there, and I'd already waited longer than I was originally told I would have to wait.
In those moments I felt so small, and so unimportant that I gave myself an opportunity to just be real about the negative feelings I usually try to keep in check. I cried to the Universe, to Source and was perhaps the most vulnerable, and raw conversation I've ever allowed myself to have.
I expressed how much I wanted my attacker to suffer, how badly I wanted them to hurt, that I hoped he lived in hell every single day not knowing if the police were going to come for him that day. How I hoped that he didn't sleep or eat for every day that I couldn't bring myself to do it, how much I wanted him to see a monster every time he looked into a mirror, that every time he laughed or smiled that he was filled with a sickening guilt that lasted for hours.
Allowing myself to feel and say all of those things caused me to cry harder, because I hate feeling this way. I asked Spirit to understand that all of these thoughts and feelings came from a place of hurt, that I would never want to be responsible for manifesting such things. That even through all of this trauma and hell, I've worked so hard at being the person I was, the person I want to be: happy, optimistic, and understanding.
It was then that Spirit spoke back to me, something I sincerely was not expecting. At first it was a feeling of being enveloped in love and compassion, and true understanding of the pain I walk with everyday. Then very softly I heard the message,
"We know, we watch you, we understand the difference. We are here for you always." It was the sound of a thousand voices from a thousand lifetimes of guides and ancestors and loved ones that make up Spirit and that makes us who and what we are, because we carry Spirit with us.
Later that day I had an appointment with my therapist and I told her about the phone call with the DA, by that time I'd rationalized my feelings somewhat, but when I felt the ripple of pain that I knew would come up, I let myself cry.
I expressed to her that at this point, the worst part of this whole experience, is the waiting. How I have literally done everything I can to get my life back together and to move forward and begin to heal, but that waiting for the judicial system is a hell of it's own kind.
It was then that I was reminded to a scene from the CW's Supernatural. I described to her briefly how a demon becomes King of Hell and he remodels hell to an endless line, in a darkened hallway without anything to distract you, and how once you reach the front of the line, you immediately return to the end of the line.
"That's what it feels like." I told her. She sat there a few moments picturing it in her head, perhaps even trying to put herself in that scenario. I then spoke about how even though it was incredibly difficult hearing that my case had yet to be reviewed, that there was still hope. My case hadn't gone anywhere, it hadn't been thrown out or dismissed. That was the silver lining, and dear god, I was holding onto it as tightly as I could, because I need it.
We always have a choice, and the choice I am making for myself everyday, is to look forward and to focus on the things I can do for myself.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that I cannot ask myself why I had this experience, I cannot go back to that night and ask myself why I took the steps that I did, because I have already accepted responsibility for the choices I made in what I believe to be good conscious. If I look at them too much, I slip over the line and begin to start taking responsibility for what I had no control over.
I cannot and will not ever take responsibility for the choices he made. Because those are his and his alone. I will not lie, it has been tempting to take the route of revenge, it's not a hard road to get on, but I have chosen to take the road that I believe is the right one for myself.
It's hell, waiting and wondering what will or will not happen, but I know that Spirit hears me. I know that the Universe is taking care of me, and I accept that when this situation is resolved, that it might not look the way that I want it to look. But I feel if I do not ask for justice, if I do not pray in my own way that I will wonder why the hell I remained silent.
I lived so much inside of my own head every single day, and while I may have been good at lying to myself in the past, I cannot do that with this situation. I want him to go to jail more than I want most things, I want him on a sex offenders list, and I want him to carry his actions with him every single day. I want him to take responsibility, and just own up to what he did.
I realize that I might sound a tad fanatical when I say that I do my best to trust in Spirit every day. I understand how I might sound desperate when I say that I believe in a greater force who sincerely does take care of me, and that this force in the end will bring me justice.
But I say these things because I genuinely do believe, and because I believe, I feel that I have an easier time walking and living in this hell that I reside in, even if it's by a mere fraction.
I have so many wonderful friends and family who love and support me, and I have an incredibly partner who is my rock and my strength, but they are not with me all the time; I believe that Spirit is though, and Spirit helps me hold on, Spirit helps keep me sane, and helps to remind me of the person I know I am and can be.
I know that it's going to take time, but I try to focus on the bright future that I have before me, and one day, this will all be behind me.
I ask Spirit to help me build that future everyday, or at least to remind me of it, because some days are so much harder than others. But I draw strength from those who love me, and I remind myself that if I quit, then my attacker wins. I cannot let that happen. When everything else feels bleak, that simple thought it what gets me going again. I cannot let him win.
I know that I am never alone, and I hope that everyone who reads this, knows that they are not alone. There is always hope, there is always the chance for happiness, you just have to want it enough. And I want my future more than anything. If I never see the person again, it will be too soon, but I hold onto a picture I see in my mind of my future, with a loving partner, a warm home and a career that I am passionate about; and they with nothing, in the same place they have always been in.
It is a full moon tonight, and an eclipse, and I cannot wait to burn some candles, and work some healing for not only myself but for those who have endured on this journey with me. I'll also be sending out healing to anyone who feels alone and hopeless, I pray that it reaches every heart that they are needed, and cherished and loved, because you are.
I wish you all the brightest blessing, have a splendid Full Moon in Aquarius,
Thealynn
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)