Observing Deity

Good day loves,

Today I wanted to take a look at deity and how I found myself observing and honoring what I believe to be a Higher Power.

This has always be one of the trickiest topics for me to explain my views on, mostly due to the fact that my beliefs have been so fluid. That being said, I think I have found a way to explain my thoughts and beliefs regarding such.

I do want to acknowledge that when I first began exploring different ideologies around that of a Higher Power, I struggled. As some of you may already know, I was raised in a Christian household. Although my mother would swing from utterly devout to utterly silent on the matter, it's safe to say that I grew up in church. My grandparents were the basis for that, and they expected that we of the younger generation be raised in the same manner.

Regardless, when I began exploring pagan beliefs, I started with Wicca because it seemed the safest starting point. Leaving the Christian god behind wasn't so difficult for me as I never felt much of a connection, but accepting a different god wasn't necessarily easy.

Acknowledging and accepting a goddess was a challenge, mostly due to residual fear revolving around that whole Hell situation. In time, I moved beyond that fear as I slowly came be to believe that Hell was not a real place, and we can always talk more about that a little later.

That wasn't the only struggle I faced as I attempted to navigate this new way of belief. Even though I grew up in my mother's household, we never managed a healthy relationship, which I explore and discuss in several other articles.

Much like the trouble I had in connecting with the Christian god, as I spent most of my years without a father figure (also a topic I have discussed previously.) I didn't personally have a strong parental foundation in which to draw inspiration or really any kind of connection to.

There was an even bigger factor that took some time to face, perhaps it's something that you can relate to - Obligation versus Desire.

Obligation; the idea that I had to follow Christianity, the obligation of the debt that was supposed to have been erased when Jesus sacrificed himself, the obligation that if I didn't live my life in such a way would result in my ultimate damnation...even though I was supposed to have been forgiven regardless...

It was a bit easier for me to identify these things because they came with the resentment I felt towards my upbringing and my parents as they were responsible for said upbringing, or lack thereof.

The desire was a bit trickier to unpack. Up until this point in my life, I hadn't regarded goddesses of any kind as more than mythological characters which back then for me equated to fictional characters.

Viewing the goddess as a loving mother who understood life because she herself had lived it, and didn't want or expect anything from me? But who was there for me regardless? Without expectation?

The desire to believe in what ultimately came down to unconditional love, and the freedom to be who and what ever I might be was really all I had ever wanted in a mother. Slowly be surely I began to embrace her, in tidbits that didn't scare away my tender heart and fragile grasp on what I thought I might have fractionally understood.

The Goddess was something entirely new and yet familiar, something in me began to stir, and I adopted what one would consider the Wiccan way of viewing deity.

The Goddess; Mother of all, kind and sweet but strong and sure. I viewed the God as Her consort, and while I heard folks when they expressed the balance between the two, I felt comfortable focusing on the Goddess alone.

Fast-forward a bit and I felt more secure recognizing them as parental figures and held them at the same level of importance. I still called on the Goddess more frequently, but after a time, I found myself calling on the God for different reasons.

As I became more comfortable working with the energy of the masculine and the feminine, I started broadening my view and looking at different pantheons. For a time I considered myself a polytheist as I couldn't quiet wrap my mind around the different gods and goddesses being so distinctive and yet somehow also be the same.

I could see how they all came from the same Universal Energy, if you will, but not be the same energy through and through, they were just too different.

I never settled on a patron or matron deity as I simply felt that I would be limiting myself in some way, besides the fact that I had just started on this path, back then I couldn't help but wonder how it would work calling on say Hecate when I was pledged to Brigid. It was just too big of a leap for me back then.

Flash forward to today.

In my previous piece titled Being Pagan, I mentioned that for a time I have considered myself a Spiritualist. My focus had turned away from recognizing or even working with most forms of deity, save for a couple, and in working with these goddess, I focused on their energy rather than on them as a whole.

And I feel that in doing so, I have found the best way to explain how I now find myself viewing deity.

Let's start from what I consider to be the top:

There's the Universal Energy, Great Spirit, Creator - whichever name you choose to give it. The energy that begins and ends all in the same breath, Source Energy if you will.

I would break that down into Masculine and Feminine characteristics because we as human are able to relate to and understand those two aspects. So this is where I would recognize the God and Goddess. Equal in all things, they compliment each other and stem from the same Source but manifest in different ways.

Next we find the different pantheons from all over the globe. Every civilization has their own 'versions' if you will, when it comes to gods and goddess. Where I found myself struggling, and this is in large part due to my monotheistic upbringing, was choosing one. Somewhere along my journey I had in my mind the idea that even though I did not have a matron or patron deity, that I would need to choose one pantheon, one region of the world where I grounded myself into their gods and goddesses. As this was not something I was able to do, I thought the answer to my struggles lay else where.

Beyond that we have Archetypes. As my path grew and changed, different times in my life felt as though different energies were being called into play, as too were the deities I worked with. As I learned about different gods and goddesses, much like anyone would, I began to see similarities between the pantheons. Which led me to wonder once again about the imaginary lines between True Source and what True Source creates, which led me to look into archetypes.

Now, Dictionary.com defines an archetype as:

the original pattern or model from which all things of the same kind are copied or on which they are based; a model or first form;prototype.

While I see the importance of archetypes, and how powerful and how helpful they can be, I started getting dizzy going down the rabbit hole of attempting to figure out 'the first of its kind' when it came to specific forms of deity that manifested in my life.

I realize that not everyone struggles with such, and that working with archetypes is really the most effective method for them to connect, but I learned quickly that when it came to my own personal experience, it just wasn't the best route for me.

I admittedly have only worked with a handful of deities. And when I worked with said deities, they appeared to me as whole individual energy. I wasn't connecting solely with the Universal energy, there was something special and specific about the particular energy I was drawn to.

So, with all of that being said, what do I believe?

Simply put, all of it.

I believe that Source Energy has been creating ways for us to connect more profoundly, more deeply, perhaps even more easily through specific deity. I believe that every god and goddess has value and meaning, and do for very good reason.

For a long time I thought I had to choose one specific way of believing, but the truth was in front of me all along. The fluidity that I possess to connect with Spirit in whichever form It comes in, is my strength, not a mark in the column for other's to use against me when I choose not to definitively say in one way or another.

Because for me, it all connects in the end anyway.

Image from evolvedinthelight.webs.com

Until next time my dears,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

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Be I Am

Good evening loves,

This might come as a bit of a surprise to some of you, but over the last few months I have been putting in considerable thought to what it might be like to make Spiritual sharing and coaching a full time thing. 

For some time I have had the pull to step into the role of a healer, especially considering the work I have put into my own healing journey, it occurred to me that I might just be in a good position to help others through their traumas using the same tools that helped me. 

I even reached out and found a wonderful coach who specializes in such things, and while we ended working in a slightly different direction, it never really left my mind.

I spent several weeks struggling to remain present as dates on the calendar brought me back to past events which impacted the course of my life. As much as I wanted to honor those spaces and those feelings, I was starting to get lost in those times while losing sight of the fact that I had moved past them bit by bit. 

During our last session I was given a bit of a wake up call to what I was doing and I cannot express how grateful I feel to be back in present time. In the weeks since, the topic has come up multiple times including a conversation I had with a coworker. She shared with me how over the course of several years she had been given the message "Be a Shaman" from her guides. She shared with me how she spent so much time trying to understand what that meant and how to get to that place. Hearing it again a couple of months ago, it finally clicked what her guides were asking her: BE a Shaman. She had to choose every single day to step into that role, to live her life as a Shaman, to BE.

Her story resonated with me so much that I began thinking to myself, that's exactly what I need to do. The words she spoke lined up with what one of my mentors was saying to me about living your life as if you're future is already here. 

If I want to be a healer, provide guidance, be a priestess; these are all things I can do right now. I AM a healer, I DO provide guidance, I AM a Priestess. My mentor spoke to me of living in what I want to bring about, and not waiting for a magical time when I just happen to find myself in my future, I literally have to create it. 

So, I started today. 

I have shared my passions with my teammates in my current profession mostly in passing conversation, and yesterday one of them took me up on it. We had spoken tentatively about getting together once before, and yesterday she was ready to take the plunge. As we settled on a time and place they asked me about also inviting another teammate, to which I was happy to encourage.

So last night I took a bath in an effort to unwind, during which I tried to figure out the best way to broach the subject of helping these people as I did not want to simply wing it. There was also the concern of how to transition from coworker and friend to client. I wasn’t confident in my ability to channel Spirit effectively and I began to worry. It was then that I heard the voice of the Goddess.

This might have been the clearest I have heard her in a long time. She shared with me how she could see and feel my anxiety, my fear of saying or doing the wrong things during the session and how I was concerned that I wouldn’t be what was expected.

She reminded me that these clients are clean slates, they have no expectations other than being genuinely heard, and how they already know that’s what they will be receiving from me because they have already received such from me time and again. These are clients that I already have an established relationship, and trust with, and how it is a testament to my person that they have accepted my offer to assist them in any way that I can.

She told me that the fear and the anxiety that I was feeling were merely the echoes of lives past in which I was ridiculed, abandoned, even killed for the gifts that I possess, and how they are coming up now because I am ready to heal those wounds and fully begin stepping into myself.

She told me, “No one is going to kill you for this, you are not going to die for helping people.”

It was then that my eyes welled with tears as I felt the phantoms of those wounds; the stones bruising my hands and feet, breaking my nose and blackening my eyes, the sharp edges of knives, swords, even axes cutting deep into my flesh and piercing my intestines, the blade of a knife scraping my scalp as they shaved my head, the fire burning my flesh, the noose around my neck, the water filling my lungs.

“I will never stop fighting, I will never cease to heal, I will never turn my back.”

Voice after voice rang in my ears, voices of men and women who were all once me, and I them. It brought me back to a day when I was on my way to work, I received a download of a memory from long ago. I was to be hung on the accusation of witchcraft, I was given one last chance to repent, and as I looked onto the crowd I took in every single face of the village. People I had known my whole life, children that I had helped to bring into the world, people I had nursed back to health, men whose battle wounds I had tended; there was some piety in their eyes, but it was mostly fear.

I began to tell them how I forgave each and every one of them, whether they had accused me or convicted me, whether they had remained silent or whether they defended me, whether they had ever spoken a harsh word or had returned my smiles, I forgave them. I knew I was not the first nor would I be the last, and when I came back to this Earth to return to my work, I would not return with hate in my heart, but with greater compassion for people just like them. Because it was people like me that people like them needed the most.

The Goddess went on to tell me that I was safe, that those wounds of the past did not need to come into the future with me as they had no place here in the present. She told me not to worry about how today would go, to simply go with an open heart and that things would be all right.

As much learning and re-membering that has been taking place for me recently, it’s always reassuring to me know that I have the support of the Universe. As much as I know that my guides are always with me, to have this experience with ‘real talk’ with the Goddess was something truly special.

I’m beginning to see how much in my own way that I can get, and how sometimes all it takes is slowing down, and simply BEing who and what I am. It’s been a couple of months since I have done a full moon ritual centered around release, but I think this upcoming full moon in Sagittarius is the perfect opportunity.

I am excited to say that the two individuals I mentioned earlier will be joining me, and have expressed their interest and desire to take this journey with me. It truly is an incredible honor to be in a place of service, it really does make my heart soar. 

Image from Pinterest

I AM a Healer 

I DO Provide Guidance

I AM a Priestess

Be

I

Am


Never shy away from who you are, the world needs you.

Do not be discouraged if you are still discovering who and what you are.

You are powerful, you are wise, you are capable.


~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Speaking from the Heart

Hey there my dears,

There are some stories, ideas or articles that tend to write themselves, and there are those such as this one where I feel the need to write and to express myself, but the meat and juice of this project require something more than a simple need.

They take courage, they take resolve, and they take honesty.

When I very first thought about writing a blog I fully intended to carve out time however often to write about my thoughts, my experiences and just whatever else came to me. There was a chunk of time there where I was dedicated and writing in this blog was really all I had.

Things shift and change, the currents ebb and flow and there are simply some days where all we can do is our best to either hang on or to ride the waves to the best of our abilities.

I've written before about living with depression; the darkness I feel inside often lurking, slumbering - how even the slightest rocking of the boat can cause it to awaken and reek havoc. I've written about how most of the time, there seems to be no real reason or culprit for feeling the way that I do, because for all intents and purposes, that's just how it works.

So what does someone like me do when there is a reason, when there is a culprit?

From what I have witnessed people come up with one of two options:

1. Cover it up with positivity and pretending that it doesn't hurt as much as it does.

2. Start doing research about how to hurt them magically without having any of the resounding affects come back at yourself, making the situation worse.

Now, considering it's been some time since I've written about these things and my beliefs and ideas have grown and evolved, I have even more to contend with.

To recap; I believe in soul contracts, karma, multiple reasons behind every event that shapes one's life on any and all levels.

So when something horrible and traumatic happens, does all of that stuff fly out the window?

Not in the slightest.  They may certainly take a backseat for a time while the rest of me figures things out, gets some processing done, and then I slowly bring them back around.

Because let's be honest, "Why did XYZ happen?" is a natural response, but it's not the first thing we process. It's something we come back to, some times even years later because depending on the event, it can take us that long to be ready to consider the question in search of an answer.

I recently wrote about being sexually assaulted, and the other day I contacted my advocate at the DA's office to see if any progress had been made, come to find out they hadn't even reviewed it yet. It was explained to me that the lawyer who was assigned my case had just finished two trials and that they had been very busy, to please call back at the end of the month and that should be sufficient time.

Looking back I am surprised that I kept my composure while I was on the phone, and even for a few brief moments once the call ended. It felt like time had slowed as I attempted to process what I had just been told.

I hesitated calling that morning, I was so afraid of hearing bad news, and I did. The words spoken to me were formal with a hint of understanding, but what translated to my mind and my heart was that the file of my case was in a pile, god knows where, and hadn't even been looked at.

I was filled with rage and pain and what felt like a lack of justice. I felt insignificant, and that the suffering that I have struggled to endure meant nothing to anyone but me. As the tears began to well and fall, I told myself no; I wasn't going to cry. But then I told myself yes, I deserve to cry. So I did.

I cried from so deep inside, I wondered how I was going to make it an additional couple of weeks simply waiting for an answer that might not even be there, and I'd already waited longer than I was originally told I would have to wait.

In those moments I felt so small, and so unimportant that I gave myself an opportunity to just be real about the negative feelings I usually try to keep in check. I cried to the Universe, to Source and was perhaps the most vulnerable, and raw conversation I've ever allowed myself to have.

I expressed how much I wanted my attacker to suffer, how badly I wanted them to hurt, that I hoped he lived in hell every single day not knowing if the police were going to come for him that day. How I hoped that he didn't sleep or eat for every day that I couldn't bring myself to do it, how much I wanted him to see a monster every time he looked into a mirror, that every time he laughed or smiled that he was filled with a sickening guilt that lasted for hours.

Allowing myself to feel and say all of those things caused me to cry harder, because I hate feeling this way. I asked Spirit to understand that all of these thoughts and feelings came from a place of hurt, that I would never want to be responsible for manifesting such things. That even through all of this trauma and hell, I've worked so hard at being the person I was, the person I want to be: happy, optimistic, and understanding.

It was then that Spirit spoke back to me, something I sincerely was not expecting. At first it was a feeling of being enveloped in love and compassion, and true understanding of the pain I walk with everyday. Then very softly I heard the message,

"We know, we watch you, we understand the difference. We are here for you always." It was the sound of a thousand voices from a thousand lifetimes of guides and ancestors and loved ones that make up Spirit and that makes us who and what we are, because we carry Spirit with us.

Later that day I had an appointment with my therapist and I told her about the phone call with the DA, by that time I'd rationalized my feelings somewhat, but when I felt the ripple of pain that I knew would come up, I let myself cry.

I expressed to her that at this point, the worst part of this whole experience, is the waiting. How I have literally done everything I can to get my life back together and to move forward and begin to heal, but that waiting for the judicial system is a hell of it's own kind.

It was then that I was reminded to a scene from the CW's Supernatural. I described to her briefly how a demon becomes King of Hell and he remodels hell to an endless line, in a darkened hallway without anything to distract you, and how once you reach the front of the line, you immediately return to the end of the line.

"That's what it feels like." I told her. She sat there a few moments picturing it in her head, perhaps even trying to put herself in that scenario. I then spoke about how even though it was incredibly difficult hearing that my case had yet to be reviewed, that there was still hope. My case hadn't gone anywhere, it hadn't been thrown out or dismissed. That was the silver lining, and dear god, I was holding onto it as tightly as I could, because I need it.

We always have a choice, and the choice I am making for myself everyday, is to look forward and to focus on the things I can do for myself.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I cannot ask myself why I had this experience, I cannot go back to that night and ask myself why I took the steps that I did, because I have already accepted responsibility for the choices I made in what I believe to be good conscious. If I look at them too much, I slip over the line and begin to start taking responsibility for what I had no control over.

I cannot and will not ever take responsibility for the choices he made. Because those are his and his alone. I will not lie, it has been tempting to take the route of revenge, it's not a hard road to get on, but I have chosen to take the road that I believe is the right one for myself.

It's hell, waiting and wondering what will or will not happen, but I know that Spirit hears me. I know that the Universe is taking care of me, and I accept that when this situation is resolved, that it might not look the way that I want it to look. But I feel if I do not ask for justice, if I do not pray in my own way that I will wonder why the hell I remained silent.

I lived so much inside of my own head every single day, and while I may have been good at lying to myself in the past, I cannot do that with this situation. I want him to go to jail more than I want most things, I want him on a sex offenders list, and I want him to carry his actions with him every single day. I want him to take responsibility, and just own up to what he did.

I realize that I might sound a tad fanatical when I say that I do my best to trust in Spirit every day. I understand how I might sound desperate when I say that I believe in a greater force who sincerely does take care of me, and that this force in the end will bring me justice.

But I say these things because I genuinely do believe, and because I believe, I feel that I have an easier time walking and living in this hell that I reside in, even if it's by a mere fraction.

I have so many wonderful friends and family who love and support me, and I have an incredibly partner who is my rock and my strength, but they are not with me all the time; I believe that Spirit is though, and Spirit helps me hold on, Spirit helps keep me sane, and helps to remind me of the person I know I am and can be.

I know that it's going to take time, but I try to focus on the bright future that I have before me, and one day, this will all be behind me.

I ask Spirit to help me build that future everyday, or at least to remind me of it, because some days are so much harder than others. But I draw strength from those who love me, and I remind myself that if I quit, then my attacker wins. I cannot let that happen. When everything else feels bleak, that simple thought it what gets me going again. I cannot let him win. 

I know that I am never alone, and I hope that everyone who reads this, knows that they are not alone. There is always hope, there is always the chance for happiness, you just have to want it enough. And I want my future more than anything. If I never see the person again, it will be too soon, but I hold onto a picture I see in my mind of my future, with a loving partner, a warm home and a career that I am passionate about; and they with nothing, in the same place they have always been in.

It is a full moon tonight, and an eclipse, and I cannot wait to burn some candles, and work some healing for not only myself but for those who have endured on this journey with me. I'll also be sending out healing to anyone who feels alone and hopeless, I pray that it reaches every heart that they are needed, and cherished and loved, because you are.

I wish you all the brightest blessing, have a splendid Full Moon in Aquarius,

Thealynn

©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf