Being a Pagan

Greetings my dears,

In my last article I spoke about going back to the foundation of my practice, not only to regain clarity for moving forward, but as a means of setting my path for the following year. 

I made a handy little list for myself as these things often come to me at once and like everyone else, I have a myriad of life distractions, so this topic of Going Back to Basics may become a series of some sort. I have no intentions for it to specifically go in that direction, but we'll let it unfold on it's own. 

In the mean time, I spent some time over the last day or so wondering what exactly would be the most sensible place to begin such a discussion. Then it occurred to me, more than anything else, shouldn't I know and understand what exactly this path means to me?

For the past couple of years I felt myself moving away from connecting with the title of pagan and what that really meant for me. I felt more connected to the Universe as a whole and considered myself more of a 'spiritualist' if you will.

Not that I am moving away from that title either, but I am trying to define some sort of structure that I feel like I have been lacking, which I believe has played a part in feeling disconnected all around. As I am attempting to go back the the roots of my beliefs, let's start with identifying as a pagan.

But what does being a pagan mean to me?

For me personally, it does not mean giving power to stereotypes, nor does it give me free license to rebel against my family members who don't view the world as I do. It doesn't mean that I am against men and solely support women. It doesn't mean that I don't respect current law or that I resent the restrictions of my previous beliefs.

Being a pagan means that I honor myself in all things. It means that I listen to my heart and follow my intuition even if it might lead me down a difficult path. It means that I don't shy away from the parts of myself that create challenges, it means that I show just as much patience and compassion to myself as I show to others.

It means not rushing through a lesson just because it makes me uncomfortable.

Being a pagan means that I do my best to take the time to see myself in all things, and all things in me.

To me, being a pagan means that I also see the divine in all things, and seeing the divine within myself. Being a pagan means that I honor and respect the Earth because without it, we would not be here, we would not be the us that we are now, today.

Being a pagan means taking ownership of my actions and responsibility for my mistakes. Being pagan means, that I understand that I have a duty to myself to never stop learning or growing. Being a pagan means that I allow myself mistakes so that I can keep learning and growing.

I understand that every one who identifies as a pagan is going to have their own answers, and I think that in and of itself is so beautiful. It provides contrast and space for different perceptions. It may provide something to aspire to, to work towards, to grow into.

It only seemed right to me to start in this place of exploration. To be honest I had a different topic in mind to begin with, but I think it will be a good second step.

I would love to hear from you and to know what being a pagan means to you. I also want to extend the invitation to our Facebook group, Shakti's Circle which serves as a virtual temple space and community for spiritually inclined individuals, regardless of your path or where you might be on it.

Be sure to take good care dear ones,

Until next time,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Be I Am

Good evening loves,

This might come as a bit of a surprise to some of you, but over the last few months I have been putting in considerable thought to what it might be like to make Spiritual sharing and coaching a full time thing. 

For some time I have had the pull to step into the role of a healer, especially considering the work I have put into my own healing journey, it occurred to me that I might just be in a good position to help others through their traumas using the same tools that helped me. 

I even reached out and found a wonderful coach who specializes in such things, and while we ended working in a slightly different direction, it never really left my mind.

I spent several weeks struggling to remain present as dates on the calendar brought me back to past events which impacted the course of my life. As much as I wanted to honor those spaces and those feelings, I was starting to get lost in those times while losing sight of the fact that I had moved past them bit by bit. 

During our last session I was given a bit of a wake up call to what I was doing and I cannot express how grateful I feel to be back in present time. In the weeks since, the topic has come up multiple times including a conversation I had with a coworker. She shared with me how over the course of several years she had been given the message "Be a Shaman" from her guides. She shared with me how she spent so much time trying to understand what that meant and how to get to that place. Hearing it again a couple of months ago, it finally clicked what her guides were asking her: BE a Shaman. She had to choose every single day to step into that role, to live her life as a Shaman, to BE.

Her story resonated with me so much that I began thinking to myself, that's exactly what I need to do. The words she spoke lined up with what one of my mentors was saying to me about living your life as if you're future is already here. 

If I want to be a healer, provide guidance, be a priestess; these are all things I can do right now. I AM a healer, I DO provide guidance, I AM a Priestess. My mentor spoke to me of living in what I want to bring about, and not waiting for a magical time when I just happen to find myself in my future, I literally have to create it. 

So, I started today. 

I have shared my passions with my teammates in my current profession mostly in passing conversation, and yesterday one of them took me up on it. We had spoken tentatively about getting together once before, and yesterday she was ready to take the plunge. As we settled on a time and place they asked me about also inviting another teammate, to which I was happy to encourage.

So last night I took a bath in an effort to unwind, during which I tried to figure out the best way to broach the subject of helping these people as I did not want to simply wing it. There was also the concern of how to transition from coworker and friend to client. I wasn’t confident in my ability to channel Spirit effectively and I began to worry. It was then that I heard the voice of the Goddess.

This might have been the clearest I have heard her in a long time. She shared with me how she could see and feel my anxiety, my fear of saying or doing the wrong things during the session and how I was concerned that I wouldn’t be what was expected.

She reminded me that these clients are clean slates, they have no expectations other than being genuinely heard, and how they already know that’s what they will be receiving from me because they have already received such from me time and again. These are clients that I already have an established relationship, and trust with, and how it is a testament to my person that they have accepted my offer to assist them in any way that I can.

She told me that the fear and the anxiety that I was feeling were merely the echoes of lives past in which I was ridiculed, abandoned, even killed for the gifts that I possess, and how they are coming up now because I am ready to heal those wounds and fully begin stepping into myself.

She told me, “No one is going to kill you for this, you are not going to die for helping people.”

It was then that my eyes welled with tears as I felt the phantoms of those wounds; the stones bruising my hands and feet, breaking my nose and blackening my eyes, the sharp edges of knives, swords, even axes cutting deep into my flesh and piercing my intestines, the blade of a knife scraping my scalp as they shaved my head, the fire burning my flesh, the noose around my neck, the water filling my lungs.

“I will never stop fighting, I will never cease to heal, I will never turn my back.”

Voice after voice rang in my ears, voices of men and women who were all once me, and I them. It brought me back to a day when I was on my way to work, I received a download of a memory from long ago. I was to be hung on the accusation of witchcraft, I was given one last chance to repent, and as I looked onto the crowd I took in every single face of the village. People I had known my whole life, children that I had helped to bring into the world, people I had nursed back to health, men whose battle wounds I had tended; there was some piety in their eyes, but it was mostly fear.

I began to tell them how I forgave each and every one of them, whether they had accused me or convicted me, whether they had remained silent or whether they defended me, whether they had ever spoken a harsh word or had returned my smiles, I forgave them. I knew I was not the first nor would I be the last, and when I came back to this Earth to return to my work, I would not return with hate in my heart, but with greater compassion for people just like them. Because it was people like me that people like them needed the most.

The Goddess went on to tell me that I was safe, that those wounds of the past did not need to come into the future with me as they had no place here in the present. She told me not to worry about how today would go, to simply go with an open heart and that things would be all right.

As much learning and re-membering that has been taking place for me recently, it’s always reassuring to me know that I have the support of the Universe. As much as I know that my guides are always with me, to have this experience with ‘real talk’ with the Goddess was something truly special.

I’m beginning to see how much in my own way that I can get, and how sometimes all it takes is slowing down, and simply BEing who and what I am. It’s been a couple of months since I have done a full moon ritual centered around release, but I think this upcoming full moon in Sagittarius is the perfect opportunity.

I am excited to say that the two individuals I mentioned earlier will be joining me, and have expressed their interest and desire to take this journey with me. It truly is an incredible honor to be in a place of service, it really does make my heart soar. 

Image from Pinterest

I AM a Healer 

I DO Provide Guidance

I AM a Priestess

Be

I

Am


Never shy away from who you are, the world needs you.

Do not be discouraged if you are still discovering who and what you are.

You are powerful, you are wise, you are capable.


~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

In Dreams

Hello lovies,

I had a dream not to long before I made this huge decision to offer readings in a public, professional form, which you can now find here. It was something that at the time was relative enough to the path I've been on, and the progress I've made on that path, but it didn't sink in until the Solstice how much deeper this dream went.

I knew that I wanted to share this dream right away, but I also wanted to take my time getting back into the groove of this blog, and with writing rather than blurting out and publishing every thought that I have.

This post alone as been added to several times, mostly because of timing. I will say that it is quite rare for me to hold on to a post for as long as I have, but I am happy that I did so. 

Without further ado...

Earlier in the REM cycle I experienced a dream and the only thing I can remember about it was that in my dream state, I concluded that the meaning of this dream was that I had been trying to approach things the same way or do things the same way and that things were simply not working so I simply needed to changed them...Okay.

This second dream, I had given birth to a baby girl, and my mother was with me. In her motherly duties she was preparing for the baby to baptized and made an official member of the church. (Just to be clear my family is not Catholic, those who fall under the Christian umbrella are mostly Baptist. But all the same.)

At point point it was even discussed that I would go through the baptism-which in my dream I was uncomfortable with being that I've never been baptized in the physical plane and dream me knew this, dream me was not keen on the idea.

I could feel myself panicking because even though I have nothing against baptism, it simply wasn't something I wanted. I began to feel as though I wold have no say in my daughter's life, I mean, the kid was just born why not wait until she knows what it means and then let her decide?

When my mother returned to take my daughter to be baptized, I told her no. I looked straight at my mother and told her that I didn't want to raise my daughter that way, that I wouldn't allow it.

I spent some time considering what this dream might mean, and it wasn't until a meditation in which I was instructed to find my sanctuary that I made the connection.

I sincerely believe in following your soul's truth, your own path and while I have never explicitly come out to my mother as a pagan, she's a smart woman, I'm sure she knows on some level.

When I was asked to find this sanctuary, I found myself in the ocean. My breathing sounded to me as though I were underwater, I felt the waves around me, the sun beating down through the blueish green glass.

By finding this sanctuary, by going to these meet ups and being introduced to certain people I am finally seeing my path being illuminated. When I come out the other side of this journey, I will have been reborn, I will not be able to conceal my work from my family, and I don't want to.

I will always be my mother's child, she will always want to protect me and do what she thinks is right for me. But I need to find the strength that I've always lacked when it's come to her and use my voice to tell her the truth.

I am beginning to see the woman that I am slowly transforming into, and while I'm slightly nervous about this process, I move towards it with heart.

I may even change my name, but that's for future me to decide.

©2013-2015 Thealynn

A Truly Open Heart

Hey there lovies,

I've been incredibly fortunate to be a part of some truly amazing experiences these last few weeks. Quite frankly I never expected to have the privilege of being a participant in helping and connecting with and I would be so bold as to say, inspiring as many individuals as I have these last couple of months.

The opportunities that have been given to me since I have made this move have been numerous, but one that I never thought I would have is the opportunity to have full closure and to say goodbye to the first real love of my life.

This person has been everything to me; friend, confidant, lover, counselor, supporter and every nook and cranny that falls in between. They've also been responsible for causing a great deal of pain, disappointment, anger, frustration and confusion.

But to be honest, I can't imagine a first love being any different. I can't fathom that anyone else would hold such sway, who could so gently hold another's heart and be so careless with it in one stroke.

I've written before about my thoughts on love, and it's not terribly surprising that only a few short months later, finding myself with a different perspective on it. When I look back at myself the last time I wrote about love, I was trying to reconcile with the idea, I was trying to make myself believe that...love just is.

I don't think you choose when you love someone, I think to some extent it just happens on its own. Love is the greatest force I have ever encountered; it contains every positive and negative elements that is conceivable.

Because while it possesses all of the infinite wonder and possibility that we all look for and desire, but doing so, it leaves us open to all of the damage that can be caused because of it. It leaves us vulnerable to all of the disasters, but it also requires us to be open to the miracles that can take place.

This path that I am on, not only for myself but for the purpose I believe with all my heart that I am here to accomplish, has asked me to question everything about the way I used to do things, the perspectives I've held, the people I surround myself with.

I have been asked to be open, to be flexible, to be patient and understanding, to be brave and courageous, to trust. There have been times when my ego has held up its hands and said, "Whoa! Slow you're roll there, I'm only human. Mere mortal right here, let's not get carried away here."

All of those things are essential to any kind of growth, all of those things are necessary for success.

When I started this journey, which there have been several 'starting over points' I never expected to be asked to change myself as much as I find myself changing. It's a bit overwhelming some times.

I don't think you choose when you love someone, but I think you can choose when to stop loving someone. I fell in love with this person despite every effort not to, because I knew in my soul, in my heart of hearts that this was not it for me. Not this time.

I have loved this individual with my whole heart, soul, being and there is a part of me that sincerely wishes that things could be different. As difficult as it is though, I have to remind myself that I don't truly believe that I'm it for them either.

The two of us have spent so much time together, have shared so much and have grown so much together, as a couple, as friends. There's been a part of my heart that has held steadfast to them because I remember all too well what that was like, and how it made me feel.

But I'm slowly coming to the realization that, the best thing we can do for each other and for ourselves is to let that love go. It was beautiful, and special, and brought me a life that I never thought I was capable of having. I've been slow to accept that there is someone else who will love and cherish me, and fulfill me in every way, and I for them-in this direction that I am heading, this path and purpose for this life.

And I believe wholeheartedly that there is someone out there for them too, who can connect and care for them in ways that I simply cannot.

I will always treasure them, and I sincerely hope that they will always be a good friend of mine. But now is the time to say goodbye, and to release that love and set the intention for them that when the time is right, they find their soulmate.

I can feel my own approaching, which strangely, doesn't make this easier. But knowing that there is genuine happiness outside of this person does. Knowing that there is genuine happiness out there for them makes it easier to let go, to say goodbye to them so that I can say hello to myself and my future.

Love is quite the mystery...

©2013-2015 Thealynn

Behind Door Number Three

Hey there lovies,

Welcome to Part Nine of my Open Heart Series!

If you have not read the previous parts of this series I would encourage you to follow the links below so that you can get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journeys of how, why, and how to!

Previous Series Postings
OHNMR
OHNMRT
Behind Door Number Two
Why Answer the Why
When Guides Come Knocking
Grounding and Bubble Meditiations
Whisperings of a Ghost 
Connecting with Your Guides

So without further ado!

There have been so many things that have transpired since I began this journey of my Open Heart series. I thought that reuniting with my father after twenty years would be the high light, but it turns out, the Universe had more in store for me.

Don't worry, I'll explain.

I am participating in sessions with a well versed spiritual teacher, along with many others, and during our most recent lesson a goddess' name was spoken and it sounded as if the name itself was ringing. Now, from time to time I will have random ringing or a high pitched note go off in my ears for varying amounts of time, and at first I thought that's what it was. As my teacher talked about part of our spiritual work and about the goddess herself, I felt myself slowly filling up and then slowly being surrounded by this energy.

I felt warm, empowered, creative and sexy. That last part really threw me for a loop, because there have been very few times that I have felt that way. Which I never really considered a bad thing, but when I was thinking about it a bit more and it made me...sad.

While I very much embrace the fact that I am an Earth sign, and am very much rooted in a physical world, I've never had much appreciated my own physical form. I've never considered myself particularly attractive, or fit, or even desirable.

There have been several years when I have told myself that I would get in shape, and I would change my eating habits and that I wanted to take better care of myself physically, I haven't done it. Not for extended periods of time anyway.

I never really gave  thought as to why it never stuck, or why I was never able to commit to it, and to be honest, the only thing that comes to mind is I am afraid of changing. Which sounds so silly when I put it that way, because there really are NO downsides to any of those goals. My ego comes into play though and reminds me of how gross I'll get working out, and how I'll be sore, and what about that asthma I've never been professionally diagnosed with?

While I have never been a particularly thin person, it's only been in the last five years that I've become overweight. Not dangerously so, but enough that any body issues I may have had before were magnified.

I was on the heavier side of the average for my age and height, and while I felt like my thighs were mountains, I was fine with the rest of my body. I certainly didn't love my body, but I didn't hate it either. Overall I just wasn't very excited about my whole self.

I've never liked too much physical activity because I felt like it only highlighted what I considered to be what I was physically lacking or I felt like I just was not good at whatever I was trying to do. I preferred to be stationary and write or read-not that that much has changed to be honest.

Last summer for one of my college classes I took ballroom dance, and I LOVED it. It's true that I was sore some days, and that we all certainly got sweaty due to lack of air conditioning in that part of the gym, but I had an absolute blast.

Before that class I always said how much I didn't think I could dance. And sure, it took a few classes to get the hang of things, but I was constantly being complimented on my technique when I was just flowing through the steps. It was something that just came naturally to me.

I was surprised because when I started high school I went through a major stint of depression where I completely disconnected from every aspect of life, and even though I got out of it, I never really felt connected on a physical level other than extreme pain.

As I slowly but surely began gaining weight, it affected not only my health, but my relationship. As much as my ex thought he was encouraging me, all he did was make me feel horrible about myself which only caused the cycle to continue. The ways that he enjoy exercising just did not appeal to me, which frustrated him, frustrated me, and only added to the problem.

When I was dancing, as much as I loved it, there was always a small part of me that was self-conscious about the way my body was moving, and how it looked while it was moving. There were moments when I was completely caught up in the dance and didn't care about it at all because I was connecting with a part of my soul that I didn't know existed.

When I have thought about getting in shape, and getting healthy, there has always been a block for me to do it, and as I have been writing this, I am now realizing that there are a couple of reasons.

1. I've been afraid of failing. I'm afraid of the looks I'll get from people while I am working out, I'm afraid of their judgement.

2. I've been afraid of what will happen if I loose the weight, but can't keep it off. It's easier just to maintain where I already am.

3. I've been afraid of not being able to loose the weight. If 'regular exercise' and a healthy diet don't do it, what will it take?

4. I've been afraid of not being attractive once I'm in better shape. It's been easy to justify not having someone in my life because of my weight. If I'm in good physical shape and I'm still not attractive, what does that say about me?

Seeing them listed in front of me is eye opening but it's also heartbreaking. While I feel somewhat relieved to have finally broken this thing down, I also feel a sense of shame because I realize how shallow these reasons are, especially the last.

I know that logically whoever I am with will love me and want to be with me because of who I am on the inside, and while I truly do believe that, it's hard to remember while I feel so negatively about myself on the outside.

While I consider myself a spiritual soul, I am also a very physical being. And I honestly believe that getting in touch with my body, and being brave and motivated to finally take those steps will only help to serve my highest good and my purpose.

In the honor of that, I am going to be implementing yoga and belly dancing into my daily routines. I'm doing to be doing some research on how best to get started, and I am hoping that I can start practicing the basics at home.

This was possibly one of the last deities I ever expected to come to me, let alone in such a profound way. Even though it has been almost two weeks since the initial interaction and I have continued to feel her presence and her energy. She has also popped up in several places since that time, only reinforcing her place in my life and in my spiritual work.

I had intended to use this posting to introduce her, and to share how I will be working with her, but I think this is what needed to be done in preparation of that. I'm so grateful for this journey, because it has taken me places I never thought I would go, or needed to go.

It's been almost two months since I started this journey again Through the Secret Door, and this series that started off with just a few simply posts has gown into the first tree I see planted in the garden of this sacred space.

I've taken my first step to surrendering to my purpose, and though I do not know what or how many steps lay before me, I know that will continue through with humility, free of fear, and knowing I have such an amazing goddess beside me, I feel as though I am ready to ride this wave to it's fullest extent.

Sending you light and love,

Thealynn

You can purchase this print from The Lovely Little Witch Etsy Shop.

©2013-2015 Thealynn

When Guides Come Knocking

Hello lovies,

Welcome to Part Five of my Open Heart Series!

If you have not read the previous parts of this series I would encourage you to follow the links below so that you can get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journey of how, why, and how to!
 
Following pieces of this series will include some meditations that I find helpful, ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.

Previous Series Postings
OHNMR
OHNMRT
Behind Door Number Two
Why Answer the Why

So without further ado!


Prior to getting into the meditation, I'm going to provide a bit of context. That's right folks, we are jumping right in today! Whoohoo!! (You're still in for a long post, I warned you yesterday.)

Several months ago, I made a seemingly immediate and strong connection with someone. We had a brief encounter and continued to talk intermittently but nothing significant changed. Despite being perfectly content in my single life, I couldn't shake the connection we had made. I ended up with a fairly intense infatuation which I found quiet irritating. I knew nothing was going to develop between us, but that didn't seem to matter.

I was venting my frustration to one of my good friends and she suggested to me that, "Maybe your chakras were just wide open when you got together, and now he's just under your skin."

As previously stated, I am not well versed in charka work, so I wasn't entirely sure what she meant, but it sounded right. I decided the only thing to do was to wait it out, let whatever was going on with me run it's course and then I would be done with it. A few weeks later I felt like nothing had changed, so I opted to do a reading for myself to hopefully gain some insight on what I should be doing.

I ended up doing a series of five readings. Not all about the same thing mind you, and not even with the same deck. Doing so many readings in a row is not something that I would recommend simply because messages can get muddled and distorted and boy howdy is it draining. When I sat down to read I had no intention of doing so many, I just let my intuition guide me.

There was one resounding theme in every one of the readings I did-meditate, consult your guides. If that's not enough of a sign then I don't know what is. I did not do this right away as I was getting ready for finals, plus my energy was not focused, it was all over the place.

When I was in a place where I felt like I had enough energy to really commit to it, I decided that I had not Journeyed in a while and figured that would be the best way to do so. When I talk about Journeying, I am referring to the Shamanic practice as I was trained in 2011.

I set my music, took a few deep breaths and spent a good ten minutes trying to hone my focus. Let me tell you, it was just not happening. I began to get frustrated because I had never experienced resistance in the past, and I wasn't quiet sure what to do about it.

It occurred to me that perhaps I simply wasn't grounded enough, and that perhaps doing a quick grounding meditation would be helpful. As I was preparing myself for that I just felt that either I was going to meditate or I was going to Journey. My solution to the dilemma was to use some grounding crystals and try to Journey again.

I went to my desk that also serves as my alter space and reached in blindly for my crystals, trusting that I would know them by touch. I had a mind to use Hematite, or Tiger's Eye which I mentioned in my last post. I would have even been happy with my Tree Root Agate, I ended up with White Howlite and Emerald. I felt a resistance in my body when I went to put them back, clearly these were the ones I was meant to use.

Before settling down again I put on my wolf pendant that I always wear when I meditate or do Journey work, I feel that it creates a link back to the physical plane, and I always feel a great sense of protection when I wear it. You can see a photo of it here. I was also wearing my rose quartz point.

When I meditate with crystals, I usually cross my legs and rest my closed palms on my knees. I didn't do that this time, with a stone in each hand I rested my hands together with my palms facing each other. After just a few breaths I could feel the energies of the crystals working together and creating a kind of helix around me, and I although I couldn't see in my mind's eye where I was or where I was going, I could feel movement. When the feeling settled I felt myself looking around, but still not seeing anything, I called out,

"Hello, is someone there?" I heard a soft chuckle and felt a very warm and feminine presence.

"Oh, my daughter, you grow more beautiful every time I see you." I felt a kiss on each cheek and a smile on her face.

"I'm sorry, I don't recognize your voice." Still in a state of darkness and not wanting to be rude, I attempted to find out her identity.

"What matters is that you called, and I am the One Who Answers." I nodded, only an idiot would argue with that.

We discussed the readings, and the underlining tones of a romance, she spoke to me in a way that was somewhere between a loving parent and a best girlfriend. I expressed her how I hadn't been able to shake the familiarity I felt and more so the fact that he had felt it too. How I felt stuck between trying not to get any kind of hope up, and at the same time acknowledging how important it was being in a place where in fact, I was trying not to get any kind of hope up. I even felt bold enough to ask her if there was a chance that this was not the first life that we had crossed paths. She laughed, and it sounded like music.

"Oh my dear, you'll find that most men you feel drawn to have an air of familiarity. There is a reason they seek you out in this life." I didn't feel the need to inquire further, that in and of itself was enough to consider. By the time our conversation was drawing to a close I could see the sun on the horizon and that we were on a warm beach. The tide was gently coming in as if the ocean itself was slowly waking up. I was finally able to see my guide; she was an unnaturally beautiful woman with creamy skin, golden hair and hazel eyes, wearing what appeared to be a white and sky blue toga inspired dress.

It occurred to me somewhere in the back of my mind that I might be receiving counseling from Aphrodite, but thought it unlikely. Rather than ask again, I thanked her for her guidance. With one last smile she transformed into a dove, and flew away. I stayed for a moment to allow her message to sink in a bit more and to enjoy the warmth of the sand under my bare feet. As I was about to bring myself back, I heard a voice ringing out to me,

"Don't break the connection." So I waited. A series of heart beats passed me by and I was in a forest clearing. Hearing a noise behind me I slowly turned around, there was a black bodied centaur across the clearing. I could feel my breath catch in my throat; I almost couldn't believe what I was seeing. I had a psychic reading done a month or so prior to this and during the reading I was told that one of my spirit guides was centaur. While it resonated with me, I hadn't interacted with this guide up until this point.

When the reader originally described the vision to me, he said that when he first saw my guide, its back was facing him, just as it was with me.

"Are you...?" When she turned to face me, she had a very knowledgeable and patient face.

"Oh yes, it's me. I've been waiting for you." I was flabbergasted. It had been some time since I had worked so openly with a new guide, and now I was two for two. "Well, don't be shy girl, come closer."

I did as she instructed, hesitant at first. She gave me a small soft smile plainly sensing my uncertainty. I returned the gesture and confidence replace the hesitation. We spoke of patience, of stubbornness, of a determined spirit. She spoke to me about my heart, and the way I view the world. Without much thought as to how, I found myself on her back.

"Try seeing things the way I see them. I will always have a wider perspective then you simply because of what I am, but you can learn to observe from my point of view. I know that your patience has been worn thin, and that you have begun to feel the energy of your mate, but patience is key. You are of the Earth, as am I. It is our greatest strength, harness it, do not fear it. To do so would mean that you fear yourself."

As I sat on her back I felt a complete sense of calm, I felt grounded, and strong. I tried to do as she instructed, starting simply by noticing how different the forest looked with only a few feet off of the ground. 

"As tempting as it is, remember this, do not miss the forest for the trees." She turned her head to look at me, her eyes piercing and wise. "When you feel yourself struggling, call to me. I will send you strength and revive your spirit." I nodded silently, trying to take everything in as it was, not wanting to forget a single detail.

In the midst of it all though, I felt something else. I could feel another energy approaching, this time masculine. I dismounted as the energy was too familiar for me not to feel certain I knew who approached. Through the brush a wolf appeared, but it wasn't the wolf I was expecting. Rather than a white wolf or grey wolf as I was used to seeing, this wolf was black. Unsure of what to make of this I looked over to my guide for reassurance but she was far off. Still within my sight but she was making it clear that I was on my own for this one.

Then I remembered another detail that the reader shared with me. During the reading he saw my guide standing next to a black wolf, but the wolf was not a representation of my guide, it was a representation of my partner for this life. As I turned back to the wolf, it began to change, and took the shape of a man. There were no discernible features that I could make out, it was if his shadow had come in his place.

I stood there in complete shock, at a complete loss for words-what the hell was happening?! Never before had another's energy or guide entered my meditation. This was an invite only kind of gathering, and I did not send out invitations.

 "I don't understand..." The shadow seemed to chuckle. I looked back to my guide again hoping that maybe she would explain, this time the wolf was with her, standing side by side just like the reader had described.

"I'm sorry for surprising you, I honestly don't expect to get away with this a second time." The shadow's voice was deep and kind. Looking back in his direction I was still trying to wrap my head around what was taking place. He had moved and was now standing before me, taking my hands in his.

"You don't have to say anything, I'm sure this was the last thing you were expecting." It must have been reflex, why I looked into what would have been his face, and somehow without any indication of facial features, I could sense that his expression was filled with the utmost tenderness.

"Now, I know you've told this to yourself before, because I suspect you'll end up saying it to me when we finally do meet." Raising his hand he tucked some hair behind my ear, his would-be eyes intent on me.

"You know deep in your heart that you are not ready for me to be with you. Just as much as you know that you are not ready to be with me. We still have growing to do, self-discoveries that can only be done apart and because of that they are only going to make us appreciate each other and ourselves that much more." He took a moment to sigh and look at me, (if you can call it looking) as if his subconscious were trying to memorize me so that way I would be easier to find later on.

"I wish I could convey to you how much I know that I already love you. I want nothing more than to show you how precious you are to me. But if we were to meet tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to do that. The man I am right now would run away from you so fast because the man I am right now doesn't know how to appreciate someone as wondrous as you. You deserve the very best that I can possibly give, and the man before you now, well. Not only does he not have the foggiest idea of how to do that, but he's also too selfish."

Despite myself I started to laugh, by this point all I could do was just let whatever was going to happen, happen. Regardless of whether my higher self was doing this to prove a point, or my future partner really had found his way to me, I needed to hear it. Somewhere in the midst of everything it occurred to me that I had become a shadow form too. I hadn't realized up until that point of how connected I felt to this being, so much so that I felt engulfed by his presence. I felt warm and safe, it felt familiar and strange and new all at once.

"I know that I have no right asking anything of you, so I'll put it this way instead. Let us both agree to give ourselves our best chance; let us continue to focus on ourselves, whatever comes our way. It's the best thing we can do for ourselves, and each other." His voice carried resolved, but it sounded hard earned.

I was silent for a moment, feeling a slight struggle within myself. Being as deep into my meditation as I suspected I must have been, I decided to save any debates that were waiting for me until after I was back and grounded. I can only assume that my silence was taken as an agreement, because he spoke again.

"If nothing else I say is remembered, please just know that I am getting to you as fast as I can. My daily conscious may not know it yet, but the part of me that is here with you now, wants to spend every possible day with you." I took a breath and a step back, but did not let go of his hands, suddenly afraid that I might find myself lost in this magical place where a soul's heart could reach me.

For a moment I tried to decipher if the presence before me really was a manifestation of his soul reaching out to me, or if my higher self was feeling particularly elaborate that day. After a moment of studying the shadow man before me I came to the conclusion that it did not really matter. The message itself was the important thing, and I reconciled that as much as I wanted us to be ready for each other, that simply wasn't the case.

I could feel my physical shape starting to return, but before I lost the shadowy essence that so perfectly connected the two of us, I closed my eyes and let my inner light encircle my being. Opening my eyes, I could see he was still dark as night, but I was a shimmering white. While we were connected by our inner essence, we were separate individuals.

"Hopefully this will serve as a reminder." I'm not sure if saying so was more for my benefit or his, but I thought I should at least say something. With reluctance I released his hands and turned to go, making a doorway which opened to a winding staircase that would bring me back down.

"You realize that I'll be able to find you that way. When we meet again, I'll notice that white light around you."

Looking over my shoulder it appeared as though a hand rested in his pocket.  Smiling I answered, "Well, it's not really for you, is it?"

He chuckled, "No, it's all for you."

...

After I came out of my meditation I had to just sit for a while and breath, trying to memorize everything that my guides told me, trying to memorize the whole experience really. Then I remembered the stones, so of course I had to remind myself of their properties. I have a little journal I keep with all of the stones in my possession as well as some brief notes about each one.

White Howlite helps with awareness. It can prepare the user or wearer to receive wisdom from the Higher Self and the Divine.

That was enough to rock my socks off. I was filled with this impending, 'This is the mother load' feeling as I flipped through the pages of my journal.

Emerald was thought to preserve love, as well as being a long time symbol of hope. It is considered by many to be the stone of prophecy. For some the emerald acts as a tranquilizer for a troubled mind.

Never before had my intuition so clearly guided me. There was still one thing I was curious about. Only once before has such a specific deity come to me, so I searched for goddesses associated with doves.

The first result I came across was a blog post talking about Aphrodite and her connection to doves. I decided to dig a little be more and found that Emerald is considered the stone of Aphrodite. My jaw dropped, I had no clue prior to any of this about those connections. My mind was officially blown.

This meditative experience is something that I am going to remember for the rest of my life. It was such a profound experience for me, so much so that I don't expect it to happen again. I am certainly open to it don't get me wrong, but meditation, whether to clear your mind or to reach out to your guides is about being open to what they have for you. I wasn't sure what I was going to get or who was going to be there (clearly!) but I trusted in the Universe, and I trusted in my guides. That is how meditations should be.

I hope that you have been enjoying the Open Heart Series so far, as there is more to come! Next I'll be sharing a few different techniques for meditating, some tips on how I've connected with my guides and how you can connect with yours.

Sending you light and love as always until next time,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn

For All Intents and Purposes

Hello lovies,

I have been receiving the same question by several people during the last few days, so I thought I would take some time to answer that question.

As you may have noticed, there are posts dated from last year, and then I simply disappeared for a year. The last post I made before the hiatus wasn't even published until almost a month after I had written it. So it's only natural that people would wonder:

Why did I stop writing? What caused me to start this project up again? Why decide to make this a public blog instead of keeping it private like a journal?

The main reason I stopped writing was simply because I was utterly and completely overwhelmed by everything else that I had going on in my life at the time. I was working full time in a very demanding and stressful environment, I was trying to do school part time, I had mutually ended a loving relationship because neither of us were really getting what we needed, and home life was stressful to the point where I felt like I had to leave as soon as possible.

I could barely keep myself together to go to work only to come home to a place that I didn't feel welcome while trying to keep up with school work.

Writing just was not a priority for me. I didn't even think about my blog for months after I made that last post. I honestly can't recall what made me decide to visit my page and look over everything again. But it happened and here we are! I guess it's just divine design.

What compelled me to start writing again? Well, if you check out the first post since coming back which is titled When One Door Closes, you'll read about a very powerful experience, and I just felt inspired. I had to write, I had to share my experience. A couple of years ago I tried my hand at a Youtube channel talking about my path and my experiences and while it was cathartic at the time, I didn't always feel comfortable filming since I did not live alone and those I lived with were not supportive or understanding of my path. So that was an endeavor that did not last long. I also did not feel savvy enough with posting and filming and editing, etc.

Why make the blog public? For very much the same reason that I wanted to have a successful Youtube channel. I wanted to connect with others who were of similar minds, and on similar paths, but I also wanted to do something to give back to those who unknowingly helped me on my path. I wanted to do something to help my community, near or far.

Helping to spread tolerance and helping to provide education on what this path can be like, I believe are essential things. There is so much hate and propaganda, misinformation, and ignorance (either by design or happenstance) that simply is unnecessary.

People are going to believe what they like, and some may even refuse to educate themselves, and that is their choice. But because of the negative shroud that paganism has been cloaked in, people can be scared away from either learning for themselves, or accepting that their hearts truth lies somewhere beneath that enormous umbrella.

By being open, and honest and sharing all of the ways that we are just like everyone else, but perhaps do things a bit differently; it not only opens the lines of communication, but it illuminates the truth versus the fantastical. Which is something I wholeheartedly believe in.

I believe in it so strongly that I have slowly been taking steps to put myself out into the pagan community where I live. Admittedly my comfort levels have varied since the time I decided it was something I wanted to do, but everything in its own time.

In fact it's only been in the last couple of weeks that I have begun making connections with those in my immediate community about becoming involved with a couple of different groups. Which is so exciting to me, I am so anxious to see how these connections develop and just to see where this adventure takes me.

I know that taking those first steps can be hard and even scary, in fact I know better then most. It's taken half of my life and several other necessary journeys to bring me to this place. By no means did I simply jump in, I played a lot of spirituality-chicken.

So if you're not sure what exactly what you believe or if you're interested in learning more but you're not sure if you should-I've been there. I understand how frustrating it can be being so uncertain about something that so many people are certain of.

Don't be afraid to take your time. Don't feel like you have to decide by a certain point, as if there is some deadline that is ticking away. I created those types of limitations for myself because I felt like I had to, and all it did was push me away from everything that I could or did believe in whether I openly admitted it or not.

This journey is for YOU, for YOUR benefit.

I feel called to help bring paganism out into the open, so we're not all crunched into the broom closet together, as part of this life's purpose. To let the world in, to let them see, to help those who are willing to listen understand who we are and what it is that we do.

My goal is not to make paganism popular or 'main stream'. My goal is to help erase the fear that has been ingrained into society, to help lift the wool the has been pulled over the eyes of the world and to help people understand that hate and negative stereotypes only cause us to go backwards instead of moving forwards.

So, there you have it!

Now, if you are waiting for the post about my mystery gift, I am afraid that you will have to wait a few days longer as I am out of town for my birthday, I have not forgotten! I am hoping to have that and at least one most post up before the end of the week, but I make no promises as this time of year is so busy.

If nothing else be sure to check in on the weekly oracle card and monthly tarot card as this will be your last chance to see the card for December as it will be changing in just a few short days!

Sending you all light and love and patience this night; you deserve to take your time and the freedom to search your soul's truth. The Universe is full of patience and understanding, even in times when we are not.

Many blessings to you and yours,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn