Be I Am

Good evening loves,

This might come as a bit of a surprise to some of you, but over the last few months I have been putting in considerable thought to what it might be like to make Spiritual sharing and coaching a full time thing. 

For some time I have had the pull to step into the role of a healer, especially considering the work I have put into my own healing journey, it occurred to me that I might just be in a good position to help others through their traumas using the same tools that helped me. 

I even reached out and found a wonderful coach who specializes in such things, and while we ended working in a slightly different direction, it never really left my mind.

I spent several weeks struggling to remain present as dates on the calendar brought me back to past events which impacted the course of my life. As much as I wanted to honor those spaces and those feelings, I was starting to get lost in those times while losing sight of the fact that I had moved past them bit by bit. 

During our last session I was given a bit of a wake up call to what I was doing and I cannot express how grateful I feel to be back in present time. In the weeks since, the topic has come up multiple times including a conversation I had with a coworker. She shared with me how over the course of several years she had been given the message "Be a Shaman" from her guides. She shared with me how she spent so much time trying to understand what that meant and how to get to that place. Hearing it again a couple of months ago, it finally clicked what her guides were asking her: BE a Shaman. She had to choose every single day to step into that role, to live her life as a Shaman, to BE.

Her story resonated with me so much that I began thinking to myself, that's exactly what I need to do. The words she spoke lined up with what one of my mentors was saying to me about living your life as if you're future is already here. 

If I want to be a healer, provide guidance, be a priestess; these are all things I can do right now. I AM a healer, I DO provide guidance, I AM a Priestess. My mentor spoke to me of living in what I want to bring about, and not waiting for a magical time when I just happen to find myself in my future, I literally have to create it. 

So, I started today. 

I have shared my passions with my teammates in my current profession mostly in passing conversation, and yesterday one of them took me up on it. We had spoken tentatively about getting together once before, and yesterday she was ready to take the plunge. As we settled on a time and place they asked me about also inviting another teammate, to which I was happy to encourage.

So last night I took a bath in an effort to unwind, during which I tried to figure out the best way to broach the subject of helping these people as I did not want to simply wing it. There was also the concern of how to transition from coworker and friend to client. I wasn’t confident in my ability to channel Spirit effectively and I began to worry. It was then that I heard the voice of the Goddess.

This might have been the clearest I have heard her in a long time. She shared with me how she could see and feel my anxiety, my fear of saying or doing the wrong things during the session and how I was concerned that I wouldn’t be what was expected.

She reminded me that these clients are clean slates, they have no expectations other than being genuinely heard, and how they already know that’s what they will be receiving from me because they have already received such from me time and again. These are clients that I already have an established relationship, and trust with, and how it is a testament to my person that they have accepted my offer to assist them in any way that I can.

She told me that the fear and the anxiety that I was feeling were merely the echoes of lives past in which I was ridiculed, abandoned, even killed for the gifts that I possess, and how they are coming up now because I am ready to heal those wounds and fully begin stepping into myself.

She told me, “No one is going to kill you for this, you are not going to die for helping people.”

It was then that my eyes welled with tears as I felt the phantoms of those wounds; the stones bruising my hands and feet, breaking my nose and blackening my eyes, the sharp edges of knives, swords, even axes cutting deep into my flesh and piercing my intestines, the blade of a knife scraping my scalp as they shaved my head, the fire burning my flesh, the noose around my neck, the water filling my lungs.

“I will never stop fighting, I will never cease to heal, I will never turn my back.”

Voice after voice rang in my ears, voices of men and women who were all once me, and I them. It brought me back to a day when I was on my way to work, I received a download of a memory from long ago. I was to be hung on the accusation of witchcraft, I was given one last chance to repent, and as I looked onto the crowd I took in every single face of the village. People I had known my whole life, children that I had helped to bring into the world, people I had nursed back to health, men whose battle wounds I had tended; there was some piety in their eyes, but it was mostly fear.

I began to tell them how I forgave each and every one of them, whether they had accused me or convicted me, whether they had remained silent or whether they defended me, whether they had ever spoken a harsh word or had returned my smiles, I forgave them. I knew I was not the first nor would I be the last, and when I came back to this Earth to return to my work, I would not return with hate in my heart, but with greater compassion for people just like them. Because it was people like me that people like them needed the most.

The Goddess went on to tell me that I was safe, that those wounds of the past did not need to come into the future with me as they had no place here in the present. She told me not to worry about how today would go, to simply go with an open heart and that things would be all right.

As much learning and re-membering that has been taking place for me recently, it’s always reassuring to me know that I have the support of the Universe. As much as I know that my guides are always with me, to have this experience with ‘real talk’ with the Goddess was something truly special.

I’m beginning to see how much in my own way that I can get, and how sometimes all it takes is slowing down, and simply BEing who and what I am. It’s been a couple of months since I have done a full moon ritual centered around release, but I think this upcoming full moon in Sagittarius is the perfect opportunity.

I am excited to say that the two individuals I mentioned earlier will be joining me, and have expressed their interest and desire to take this journey with me. It truly is an incredible honor to be in a place of service, it really does make my heart soar. 

Image from Pinterest

I AM a Healer 

I DO Provide Guidance

I AM a Priestess

Be

I

Am


Never shy away from who you are, the world needs you.

Do not be discouraged if you are still discovering who and what you are.

You are powerful, you are wise, you are capable.


~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

As We Grow

Hey there loves,

Over this last year I have talked a lot about the struggles I have faced, my doubts and my insecurities and how helpless everything has felt at times. I have shared some of my darkest moments with strangers whom I might never meet, I have been vulnerable through an empty screen not because it's easier to do than to be with so with people, but because this blog really has turned into a giant mirror for me. 

Writing has provided this incredible opportunity to take a long hard look and to face the emotions and thoughts that might not have a voice otherwise. I'll be the first to admit that for a long time I struggled with what I should be writing about because I just had trouble finding the words. 

I would start off well enough and then something would happen, ranging from up setting to traumatic, and simply taking the time to process it through before coming back always felt necessary. Looking back through my postings it seems that there are far fewer instances where I have shared something on the lighter side of my life because in truth, writing has always been a tool in which to process my experiences and I think it's fair to say that our more difficult experiences are those that require that time and that energy to get through them. 

Because when we experience something positive, we live it with ease, perhaps even excitement. I think others would agree that when we have a positive experience that it flows through us, we don't always stop to think how it's going to affect us moving forward; unlike when we experience something painful.

This past week I had my last session with the individual I had been seeing not only for my mental health, but for my spiritual health as well. For the better part of a year I had been seeing this healer speaking to them on topics ranging all over my life, and by the end of our session it was apparent to both of us that I was in possibly the best shape I have ever been in. 

They recalled our first session and how emotional it was for the both of us. I remember sitting in that chair across from them just as I was then, and feeling so safe despite having not developed a relationship with them at that point. I remembered crying so openly and feeling the love and support and an unspeakable trust that this was the person that was going to help me find myself again. 

I was filled with this strange combination of feeling that I was ready to essentially go on without them, and yet not wanting to be finished. I had been able to make so much progress with their support and guidance that I was almost hesitant to trust that inner knowing that told me I was ready. 

It took some time to sink in that I was in fact ready to take that next step forward. I had spent so much of this last year working towards very specific goals and now that those goals have been reached, there was an opportunity for the question, 'now what?'

But there wasn't. Instead I was able to embrace the gratitude I felt in my heart for this amazing person who showed me how best to help myself, and how to truly listen when Spirit spoke to me. My last session with them was the first in over a month due to a much needed sabbatical they were called to. During that time I was given the chance to take everything that they had taught me and really run with it, and it led me to finding new avenues to pursue. It also provided me with an opportunity to really show myself how ready I am for this next step.

Normally about this time is when fear and anxiety would kick in, and I would begin to think how much of a mistake it was to agree to end the sessions. Or I would be worried and confused about what exactly 'the next step' is supposed to be. 

Rather than that being the case, I feel at peace, I feel ready and excited to take that next step even though I know that it's going to be a short while before I begin the next leg of my journey. In an attempt not be to impatient, I'm allowing myself the time to process how much I've accomplished, and give myself a chance to take a deep breath and rest peacefully in my triumphs. 

For the first time in what seems like so long, I feel a sense of genuine peace, not because I think I'm healed and can put the past behind me. But because I trust the tools I have been given and because I trust that I know how to use them. I know my path and I trust that I am being guided to those who will help me along the way. 

It's a remarkable feeling, I hope that this feeling will only grow stronger, just as I grow stronger.

image from Poem Porn

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Opening the Door

Hey there lovies,

I have to be honest and say that I've been laughing at myself a little bit today. I've been working with a good friend of mine, to alter and change things around here so that I can effectively offer readings here, Through the Secret Door.

It's been some time since I wanted to share so much all at once and I had planned originally for things to be a bit more spaced out and not a giant lump of information at you all at once.

I had intended to be able to offer the readings beginning on the Solstice, but again, timing. So it became official in the wee hours of the morning, and I did a couple of announcements on social media, but I wanted to share it here as well along with a couple of other posts.

So with this being the first, there will be three posts made live today. Throughout the rest of the week I'm sure you'll see me share them in various places but I really do want to just get it all out there!

In the last couple of months I've been working and developing a Circle, that I have made very tight bonds with and in doing so I have felt myself grow and change in ways that I thought would take years to achieve. Don't get me wrong, I am still very much on a path of learning and exploring, and I sincerely hope that that adventure never stops.

I do want to express how excited I am about this leap I am taking, if only for just a moment. I've been studying the tarot for almost seven years now and working with oracle for about three. I never imagined that I would feel a calling to do something like this as a way of income. I remember watching videos on Youtube of people receiving readings, and I remember thinking how skilled these men and women were, and how much time and dedication it took to get to where they were. I never pictured myself as one of them.

I'd always just done readings for myself or for my friends, and I loved doing that, what I've been learning though is that I love helping people by becoming a conduit between them and the Universe.

This past Friday was my first experience readings for strangers in a professional setting, and the last woman I helped was a reader herself, so I was a bit nervous at first. But the moment I took the cards back and began laying them out, I felt a sense of calm, a sense of purpose, of confidence.

This fellow reader had a subject weighing so heavily on her mind, that I could physically feel how much the situation was weighing on her. I must have spent 45 minutes with her, but it was all worth it to see the relief and the hope that was now with her.

While I know that realistically, it might not be the same for every client, even though I was energetically drained, I couldn't have been happier to meet this woman.

That one reading alone taught me such a valuable lesson: be more open.

Sounds simple enough, and even though it's something I've gotten better at being open to the blessings of the Universe, there is one area that I've kept myself clear of: love.

In my post A Truly Open Heart, I described my experience and insight into saying goodbye to my first love. I was ready to say goodby to the old, but I wasn't ready to say hello to the new.

Well, that's changing. I wrote a poem back in January while writing my Open Heart Series but I wasn't quite ready to share it. I always felt that when the time was right, I would know it, and I would only publish it then.

Today is that day. I realized that I can never be truly open to the blessings of the Universe if I set a limit or restriction, so today I am forgoing all resistance.

I am open to success, I am open to prosperity, I am open to joy, I am open to opportunity, I am open to friendship, I am open to family, I am open to love.

I hope that you are open to the blessings of the Universe dear ones, it can only hold wonders for you

In light and love,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn

A Truly Open Heart

Hey there lovies,

I've been incredibly fortunate to be a part of some truly amazing experiences these last few weeks. Quite frankly I never expected to have the privilege of being a participant in helping and connecting with and I would be so bold as to say, inspiring as many individuals as I have these last couple of months.

The opportunities that have been given to me since I have made this move have been numerous, but one that I never thought I would have is the opportunity to have full closure and to say goodbye to the first real love of my life.

This person has been everything to me; friend, confidant, lover, counselor, supporter and every nook and cranny that falls in between. They've also been responsible for causing a great deal of pain, disappointment, anger, frustration and confusion.

But to be honest, I can't imagine a first love being any different. I can't fathom that anyone else would hold such sway, who could so gently hold another's heart and be so careless with it in one stroke.

I've written before about my thoughts on love, and it's not terribly surprising that only a few short months later, finding myself with a different perspective on it. When I look back at myself the last time I wrote about love, I was trying to reconcile with the idea, I was trying to make myself believe that...love just is.

I don't think you choose when you love someone, I think to some extent it just happens on its own. Love is the greatest force I have ever encountered; it contains every positive and negative elements that is conceivable.

Because while it possesses all of the infinite wonder and possibility that we all look for and desire, but doing so, it leaves us open to all of the damage that can be caused because of it. It leaves us vulnerable to all of the disasters, but it also requires us to be open to the miracles that can take place.

This path that I am on, not only for myself but for the purpose I believe with all my heart that I am here to accomplish, has asked me to question everything about the way I used to do things, the perspectives I've held, the people I surround myself with.

I have been asked to be open, to be flexible, to be patient and understanding, to be brave and courageous, to trust. There have been times when my ego has held up its hands and said, "Whoa! Slow you're roll there, I'm only human. Mere mortal right here, let's not get carried away here."

All of those things are essential to any kind of growth, all of those things are necessary for success.

When I started this journey, which there have been several 'starting over points' I never expected to be asked to change myself as much as I find myself changing. It's a bit overwhelming some times.

I don't think you choose when you love someone, but I think you can choose when to stop loving someone. I fell in love with this person despite every effort not to, because I knew in my soul, in my heart of hearts that this was not it for me. Not this time.

I have loved this individual with my whole heart, soul, being and there is a part of me that sincerely wishes that things could be different. As difficult as it is though, I have to remind myself that I don't truly believe that I'm it for them either.

The two of us have spent so much time together, have shared so much and have grown so much together, as a couple, as friends. There's been a part of my heart that has held steadfast to them because I remember all too well what that was like, and how it made me feel.

But I'm slowly coming to the realization that, the best thing we can do for each other and for ourselves is to let that love go. It was beautiful, and special, and brought me a life that I never thought I was capable of having. I've been slow to accept that there is someone else who will love and cherish me, and fulfill me in every way, and I for them-in this direction that I am heading, this path and purpose for this life.

And I believe wholeheartedly that there is someone out there for them too, who can connect and care for them in ways that I simply cannot.

I will always treasure them, and I sincerely hope that they will always be a good friend of mine. But now is the time to say goodbye, and to release that love and set the intention for them that when the time is right, they find their soulmate.

I can feel my own approaching, which strangely, doesn't make this easier. But knowing that there is genuine happiness outside of this person does. Knowing that there is genuine happiness out there for them makes it easier to let go, to say goodbye to them so that I can say hello to myself and my future.

Love is quite the mystery...

©2013-2015 Thealynn

Whisperings of a Ghost

Good morning lovies,

Welcome to Part Seven of my Open Heart Series!

If you have not read the previous parts of this series I would encourage you to follow the links below so that you can get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journeys of how, why, and how to!
 
Following pieces of this series will include ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.

Previous Series Postings
OHNMR
OHNMRT
Behind Door Number Two
Why Answer the Why
When Guides Come Knocking
Grounding and Bubble Meditations

So without further ado!

This is very much an unexpected addition to my Open Heart series, but I believe it may be one of the most significant.

For those who are unaware, we are currently experiencing what we call Mercury Retrograde. This is a period of a few weeks in which Mercury appears to travel backwards on its axis. This is mostly observed by the pagan community as something to be weary of because it causes disruptions in communication, technology, seems to slow down the progress of projects and overall it can just feel like an unpleasant time.

However there are some positives that can come along with Mercury Retrograde that I discussed on my Facebook Page, so if you're curious follow the link. One thing that I will mention is that Mercury Retrograde can some times bring in people from your past wanting to reconnect.

Without spending too much time on details, suffice it to say that there is one side of the family that I have not had consistent contact with for the last 20 years. Some interaction here and there, but nothing terribly serious.

I’m guessing that between opening myself and my heart to the Universe for my highest good and Mercury being in retrograde is what helped the stars to align causing me to get a fairly abrupt message from one of my biological father’s sisters, being my aunt. She has said before how much she has wanted to get together over the last several months, but nothing has ever come of it.

After some seemingly convoluted conversations which really did turn out to be misunderstands, we had lunch last week. What started out as my aunt, uncle and myself turned into two of my other aunts from that same side joining us.

It was the first time in almost three years since I had seen any of them, and even longer since we had spent real time together. Over the course of lunch they asked me if I was interested in seeing my biological father whom I have not seen or spoken to in 20 years. Minus one painful denial of my existence at the mall when I was 15.

I thought for a moment and realized that I really have nothing to lose by doing so. That I have an amazing opportunity to help clear up some understandably made assumptions, to help provide healing and understanding, and forgiveness in the hopes that others will be able to start forgiving themselves.

I realize all too well how much I do not owe anyone anything, and I almost surprised myself at how much the thought didn’t enter my mind until way after I had made my decision.

I’ve been called to change my perspective, and to not miss the forest for the trees.

Even though my father was not around when I was growing up, even though he did some down right criminal acts, he really did the best thing for me by allowing me to be adopted by another man whom I love as my father and staying out of my life. I was able to become the person I am because he let me go. In that one simple yet heart breaking act, he put his children, including me first. And I love him for that.

As I was thinking about whether or not I wanted to share this right away or to wait, I heard a frog croaking outside. I'd been house sitting for almost a week, and this was the first time I have heard a frog, and not just during this visit, but EVER as I am a frequent visitor.

I heard it only a handful of times, but I felt instantly called to pull out the copy of Animal Speak by Ted Andrews and look up frog medicine. It almost brought tears to my eyes. I won't go into that much here as I really could write an entire blog post on frog medicine and the connection that I have to it.

This is was the confirmation from the Universe that I am going to play a crucial role in helping to heal my father’s heart. I know full well and accept that the real healing will have to come from him, and that it will have to be his choice. But I will be the doorway for him, I will be the one to help him understand and put pieces together. I will be able to answer questions that he has never had the answers to.

I realize that it might sound like a burden, or some form of family obligation. But I see it as an immense privilege, as an incredible opportunity. I don’t feel as though I am walking into a situation that I am unprepared for, or am somehow fulfilling a family duty.

I am approaching this as a daughter to her father, expressing gratitude and forgiveness that is long overdue. Even though I believed this to be a closed door, and I felt like I had as much closure as I was going to get, I feel that this is the chance I never thought I would have,

As I said before, I do have a loving father in my life, and I know that I would not be the person that I am without him. But I see something so beautiful in at least attempting to heal this relationship. Not that I believe in putting all of the blame for my 'heart troubles' but I do see the loss of my father as the first heart break of my life.

I was a small child when everything happened but I still carry memories and scars from the events leading up to, during and after the divorce. These are scars that are so old and buried so deep that most times I forget that they are there. And I would argue that they do not affect my daily life.

But in those short hours that I spent with my aunts I learned more about my father then I ever knew before. There are a few things that we share, and it's already answered some questions I didn't know that I had.

I had a friend ask me why I was doing this, and I did not want to go into the spiritual reasons behind my decision, so I thought about it for quite some time. And it only occurred to me as I was writing this how much I owe this to myself. I've denied myself this chance in the past, but I knew then and I reaffirm now that I wasn't ready before, but I know that I am now.

I can't say that I expect us to be a happy family again, I can't say that I expect anything really. I think if I were to do so it would ruin the integrity of the event. I might not be that little girl in sundresses any more, but I am still his child, and that is how I am going into our phone call this afternoon.

Even if this ends up not going anywhere, if one of both of us decide that it's not working, at least we can say that we tried, which is more then I've ever had before.

As I wait hour the hours I am not focusing so much on what we will talk about, I only set the intention that it will be what we both need.

Sending you light and love,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn

When Guides Come Knocking

Hello lovies,

Welcome to Part Five of my Open Heart Series!

If you have not read the previous parts of this series I would encourage you to follow the links below so that you can get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journey of how, why, and how to!
 
Following pieces of this series will include some meditations that I find helpful, ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.

Previous Series Postings
OHNMR
OHNMRT
Behind Door Number Two
Why Answer the Why

So without further ado!


Prior to getting into the meditation, I'm going to provide a bit of context. That's right folks, we are jumping right in today! Whoohoo!! (You're still in for a long post, I warned you yesterday.)

Several months ago, I made a seemingly immediate and strong connection with someone. We had a brief encounter and continued to talk intermittently but nothing significant changed. Despite being perfectly content in my single life, I couldn't shake the connection we had made. I ended up with a fairly intense infatuation which I found quiet irritating. I knew nothing was going to develop between us, but that didn't seem to matter.

I was venting my frustration to one of my good friends and she suggested to me that, "Maybe your chakras were just wide open when you got together, and now he's just under your skin."

As previously stated, I am not well versed in charka work, so I wasn't entirely sure what she meant, but it sounded right. I decided the only thing to do was to wait it out, let whatever was going on with me run it's course and then I would be done with it. A few weeks later I felt like nothing had changed, so I opted to do a reading for myself to hopefully gain some insight on what I should be doing.

I ended up doing a series of five readings. Not all about the same thing mind you, and not even with the same deck. Doing so many readings in a row is not something that I would recommend simply because messages can get muddled and distorted and boy howdy is it draining. When I sat down to read I had no intention of doing so many, I just let my intuition guide me.

There was one resounding theme in every one of the readings I did-meditate, consult your guides. If that's not enough of a sign then I don't know what is. I did not do this right away as I was getting ready for finals, plus my energy was not focused, it was all over the place.

When I was in a place where I felt like I had enough energy to really commit to it, I decided that I had not Journeyed in a while and figured that would be the best way to do so. When I talk about Journeying, I am referring to the Shamanic practice as I was trained in 2011.

I set my music, took a few deep breaths and spent a good ten minutes trying to hone my focus. Let me tell you, it was just not happening. I began to get frustrated because I had never experienced resistance in the past, and I wasn't quiet sure what to do about it.

It occurred to me that perhaps I simply wasn't grounded enough, and that perhaps doing a quick grounding meditation would be helpful. As I was preparing myself for that I just felt that either I was going to meditate or I was going to Journey. My solution to the dilemma was to use some grounding crystals and try to Journey again.

I went to my desk that also serves as my alter space and reached in blindly for my crystals, trusting that I would know them by touch. I had a mind to use Hematite, or Tiger's Eye which I mentioned in my last post. I would have even been happy with my Tree Root Agate, I ended up with White Howlite and Emerald. I felt a resistance in my body when I went to put them back, clearly these were the ones I was meant to use.

Before settling down again I put on my wolf pendant that I always wear when I meditate or do Journey work, I feel that it creates a link back to the physical plane, and I always feel a great sense of protection when I wear it. You can see a photo of it here. I was also wearing my rose quartz point.

When I meditate with crystals, I usually cross my legs and rest my closed palms on my knees. I didn't do that this time, with a stone in each hand I rested my hands together with my palms facing each other. After just a few breaths I could feel the energies of the crystals working together and creating a kind of helix around me, and I although I couldn't see in my mind's eye where I was or where I was going, I could feel movement. When the feeling settled I felt myself looking around, but still not seeing anything, I called out,

"Hello, is someone there?" I heard a soft chuckle and felt a very warm and feminine presence.

"Oh, my daughter, you grow more beautiful every time I see you." I felt a kiss on each cheek and a smile on her face.

"I'm sorry, I don't recognize your voice." Still in a state of darkness and not wanting to be rude, I attempted to find out her identity.

"What matters is that you called, and I am the One Who Answers." I nodded, only an idiot would argue with that.

We discussed the readings, and the underlining tones of a romance, she spoke to me in a way that was somewhere between a loving parent and a best girlfriend. I expressed her how I hadn't been able to shake the familiarity I felt and more so the fact that he had felt it too. How I felt stuck between trying not to get any kind of hope up, and at the same time acknowledging how important it was being in a place where in fact, I was trying not to get any kind of hope up. I even felt bold enough to ask her if there was a chance that this was not the first life that we had crossed paths. She laughed, and it sounded like music.

"Oh my dear, you'll find that most men you feel drawn to have an air of familiarity. There is a reason they seek you out in this life." I didn't feel the need to inquire further, that in and of itself was enough to consider. By the time our conversation was drawing to a close I could see the sun on the horizon and that we were on a warm beach. The tide was gently coming in as if the ocean itself was slowly waking up. I was finally able to see my guide; she was an unnaturally beautiful woman with creamy skin, golden hair and hazel eyes, wearing what appeared to be a white and sky blue toga inspired dress.

It occurred to me somewhere in the back of my mind that I might be receiving counseling from Aphrodite, but thought it unlikely. Rather than ask again, I thanked her for her guidance. With one last smile she transformed into a dove, and flew away. I stayed for a moment to allow her message to sink in a bit more and to enjoy the warmth of the sand under my bare feet. As I was about to bring myself back, I heard a voice ringing out to me,

"Don't break the connection." So I waited. A series of heart beats passed me by and I was in a forest clearing. Hearing a noise behind me I slowly turned around, there was a black bodied centaur across the clearing. I could feel my breath catch in my throat; I almost couldn't believe what I was seeing. I had a psychic reading done a month or so prior to this and during the reading I was told that one of my spirit guides was centaur. While it resonated with me, I hadn't interacted with this guide up until this point.

When the reader originally described the vision to me, he said that when he first saw my guide, its back was facing him, just as it was with me.

"Are you...?" When she turned to face me, she had a very knowledgeable and patient face.

"Oh yes, it's me. I've been waiting for you." I was flabbergasted. It had been some time since I had worked so openly with a new guide, and now I was two for two. "Well, don't be shy girl, come closer."

I did as she instructed, hesitant at first. She gave me a small soft smile plainly sensing my uncertainty. I returned the gesture and confidence replace the hesitation. We spoke of patience, of stubbornness, of a determined spirit. She spoke to me about my heart, and the way I view the world. Without much thought as to how, I found myself on her back.

"Try seeing things the way I see them. I will always have a wider perspective then you simply because of what I am, but you can learn to observe from my point of view. I know that your patience has been worn thin, and that you have begun to feel the energy of your mate, but patience is key. You are of the Earth, as am I. It is our greatest strength, harness it, do not fear it. To do so would mean that you fear yourself."

As I sat on her back I felt a complete sense of calm, I felt grounded, and strong. I tried to do as she instructed, starting simply by noticing how different the forest looked with only a few feet off of the ground. 

"As tempting as it is, remember this, do not miss the forest for the trees." She turned her head to look at me, her eyes piercing and wise. "When you feel yourself struggling, call to me. I will send you strength and revive your spirit." I nodded silently, trying to take everything in as it was, not wanting to forget a single detail.

In the midst of it all though, I felt something else. I could feel another energy approaching, this time masculine. I dismounted as the energy was too familiar for me not to feel certain I knew who approached. Through the brush a wolf appeared, but it wasn't the wolf I was expecting. Rather than a white wolf or grey wolf as I was used to seeing, this wolf was black. Unsure of what to make of this I looked over to my guide for reassurance but she was far off. Still within my sight but she was making it clear that I was on my own for this one.

Then I remembered another detail that the reader shared with me. During the reading he saw my guide standing next to a black wolf, but the wolf was not a representation of my guide, it was a representation of my partner for this life. As I turned back to the wolf, it began to change, and took the shape of a man. There were no discernible features that I could make out, it was if his shadow had come in his place.

I stood there in complete shock, at a complete loss for words-what the hell was happening?! Never before had another's energy or guide entered my meditation. This was an invite only kind of gathering, and I did not send out invitations.

 "I don't understand..." The shadow seemed to chuckle. I looked back to my guide again hoping that maybe she would explain, this time the wolf was with her, standing side by side just like the reader had described.

"I'm sorry for surprising you, I honestly don't expect to get away with this a second time." The shadow's voice was deep and kind. Looking back in his direction I was still trying to wrap my head around what was taking place. He had moved and was now standing before me, taking my hands in his.

"You don't have to say anything, I'm sure this was the last thing you were expecting." It must have been reflex, why I looked into what would have been his face, and somehow without any indication of facial features, I could sense that his expression was filled with the utmost tenderness.

"Now, I know you've told this to yourself before, because I suspect you'll end up saying it to me when we finally do meet." Raising his hand he tucked some hair behind my ear, his would-be eyes intent on me.

"You know deep in your heart that you are not ready for me to be with you. Just as much as you know that you are not ready to be with me. We still have growing to do, self-discoveries that can only be done apart and because of that they are only going to make us appreciate each other and ourselves that much more." He took a moment to sigh and look at me, (if you can call it looking) as if his subconscious were trying to memorize me so that way I would be easier to find later on.

"I wish I could convey to you how much I know that I already love you. I want nothing more than to show you how precious you are to me. But if we were to meet tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to do that. The man I am right now would run away from you so fast because the man I am right now doesn't know how to appreciate someone as wondrous as you. You deserve the very best that I can possibly give, and the man before you now, well. Not only does he not have the foggiest idea of how to do that, but he's also too selfish."

Despite myself I started to laugh, by this point all I could do was just let whatever was going to happen, happen. Regardless of whether my higher self was doing this to prove a point, or my future partner really had found his way to me, I needed to hear it. Somewhere in the midst of everything it occurred to me that I had become a shadow form too. I hadn't realized up until that point of how connected I felt to this being, so much so that I felt engulfed by his presence. I felt warm and safe, it felt familiar and strange and new all at once.

"I know that I have no right asking anything of you, so I'll put it this way instead. Let us both agree to give ourselves our best chance; let us continue to focus on ourselves, whatever comes our way. It's the best thing we can do for ourselves, and each other." His voice carried resolved, but it sounded hard earned.

I was silent for a moment, feeling a slight struggle within myself. Being as deep into my meditation as I suspected I must have been, I decided to save any debates that were waiting for me until after I was back and grounded. I can only assume that my silence was taken as an agreement, because he spoke again.

"If nothing else I say is remembered, please just know that I am getting to you as fast as I can. My daily conscious may not know it yet, but the part of me that is here with you now, wants to spend every possible day with you." I took a breath and a step back, but did not let go of his hands, suddenly afraid that I might find myself lost in this magical place where a soul's heart could reach me.

For a moment I tried to decipher if the presence before me really was a manifestation of his soul reaching out to me, or if my higher self was feeling particularly elaborate that day. After a moment of studying the shadow man before me I came to the conclusion that it did not really matter. The message itself was the important thing, and I reconciled that as much as I wanted us to be ready for each other, that simply wasn't the case.

I could feel my physical shape starting to return, but before I lost the shadowy essence that so perfectly connected the two of us, I closed my eyes and let my inner light encircle my being. Opening my eyes, I could see he was still dark as night, but I was a shimmering white. While we were connected by our inner essence, we were separate individuals.

"Hopefully this will serve as a reminder." I'm not sure if saying so was more for my benefit or his, but I thought I should at least say something. With reluctance I released his hands and turned to go, making a doorway which opened to a winding staircase that would bring me back down.

"You realize that I'll be able to find you that way. When we meet again, I'll notice that white light around you."

Looking over my shoulder it appeared as though a hand rested in his pocket.  Smiling I answered, "Well, it's not really for you, is it?"

He chuckled, "No, it's all for you."

...

After I came out of my meditation I had to just sit for a while and breath, trying to memorize everything that my guides told me, trying to memorize the whole experience really. Then I remembered the stones, so of course I had to remind myself of their properties. I have a little journal I keep with all of the stones in my possession as well as some brief notes about each one.

White Howlite helps with awareness. It can prepare the user or wearer to receive wisdom from the Higher Self and the Divine.

That was enough to rock my socks off. I was filled with this impending, 'This is the mother load' feeling as I flipped through the pages of my journal.

Emerald was thought to preserve love, as well as being a long time symbol of hope. It is considered by many to be the stone of prophecy. For some the emerald acts as a tranquilizer for a troubled mind.

Never before had my intuition so clearly guided me. There was still one thing I was curious about. Only once before has such a specific deity come to me, so I searched for goddesses associated with doves.

The first result I came across was a blog post talking about Aphrodite and her connection to doves. I decided to dig a little be more and found that Emerald is considered the stone of Aphrodite. My jaw dropped, I had no clue prior to any of this about those connections. My mind was officially blown.

This meditative experience is something that I am going to remember for the rest of my life. It was such a profound experience for me, so much so that I don't expect it to happen again. I am certainly open to it don't get me wrong, but meditation, whether to clear your mind or to reach out to your guides is about being open to what they have for you. I wasn't sure what I was going to get or who was going to be there (clearly!) but I trusted in the Universe, and I trusted in my guides. That is how meditations should be.

I hope that you have been enjoying the Open Heart Series so far, as there is more to come! Next I'll be sharing a few different techniques for meditating, some tips on how I've connected with my guides and how you can connect with yours.

Sending you light and love as always until next time,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn

Behind Door Number Two

Hey there lovies,

Welcome to Part Three of my Open Heart Series!

If you have not read Part One or Part Two you can click the links and get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journey of how, why, and how to!

Part Three is much more of a journal piece versus a spiritual one, but just like my Behind Door Number One, and A Little Bit Stronger posts, I feel that it is essential to the journey ahead. It will give you a little more background on me, and how I got to where I am. As we can all attest to, every journey begins with a single step, and this is my first step on a journey to heal and open my heart. 

Even though this is part three in the series, this was the first post that I wrote. I had intended it to be the first post, but with the new moon so close I wanted to make sure that that the ritual and tool information was available to you as soon as possible. 

Following pieces of this series will include a retelling of a of a personal meditative experience, some meditations that I find helpful, ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.

So without further ado!

I will readily admit that when I decided to follow through with the Open Heart Series I wasn't entirely sure what I was getting myself into. 

Since joining a couple of groups and working with like minded people I've been instilled with the courage to get out of my own head space and just follow what feels right, and it's been an amazing experience, however it's also been a huge influx of energy.

In all honesty it's been a bit overwhelming. Not in a negative sense by any means, but very draining. As I'm learning to balance school and all of the work I am doing personally, with my group and for this blog I am learning more and more the importance of working with my stones and meditating to center and ground myself. 

If you've been with me for a whole then you know that I have been working on releasing fear from my life, and it's been going well so far. Until I realized how close I was getting to dealing with the number one emotional obstacle I've ever faced. 

My fear of relationship getting into another relationship.

Typing that last sentence was easily one of the most difficult things I have done in this short year. But I knew that it was the first step, the second being that I would then need to figure out the big, "Why?"

In all honesty it's incredibly difficult for me to write about. Looking back to when I went to write about my anxiety it was something that I just needed to channel out of me. To get it right in front to me, to see it for what it really is. Somehow that has been easier than this. 

The truth of the matter is that this is absolutely terrifying. As important as I know that it is to face and deal with all of this, it's caused some serious anxiety for me. Which unfortunately has been piled on top of other worries, so the last few days have been very hard. 

Everything began piling up and before I knew it I felt like I was exactly where I started. I hate feeling so out of control, and the feelings of helplessness. It just feels as though everything that I have done hasn't been good enough, because look; I'm still here dealing with it. I haven't fixed it yet, why haven't I fixed it?

It wasn't until this most recent episode that I realized why I'm afraid to be in another relationship. I finally understood the reason why I am so scared for my life partner to actually find me.

I'm afraid of me. 

I am scared and worried that even after all of the work that I have been putting in to making myself, being happy with who I am, and self-sufficient, that it won't be enough. That I won't be able to keep up my progress, that I won't be ready when he gets here. 

I am terrified that no matter how hard I've tried to move on and let go of the past, that history will end up repeating itself, and that I'll have to start all over again. 

When I ended my engagement almost three years ago, it almost destroyed me on every single level. It wasn't so much that the relationship was over because in reality, it had been over for a long time, I just didn't know it. 

The way that it happened, the way that I was told, and learning how I had been living a lie for the previous three years, it was just too much. The events that followed were just as traumatic; seeing him move on so quickly with someone else, erasing every piece of evidence that we were ever together was just as heartbreaking. 

When I began spending time with my now ex-boyfriend, I felt compelled to tell him how much I felt I wasn't ready for a relationship, how broken I felt and how I just didn't think I could be with someone again so soon.

He was understanding and compassionate, and let me call the shots. After a week of spending almost every day together, I knew I had to make a decision. I knew that I wouldn't be staying in the area, I was leaving in a matter of months, did I really want to start something?

I followed my feelings, and I am grateful everyday that I did. We were together for thirteen months, more then half were spent long distance. In that short amount of time he took care of me in a way I had never been taken care of before, he showed me what it was like to be cherished and appreciated. Something I had never experienced in an almost ten year relationship.

I still cared for him immensely when we decided to call it quits. I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do, that the situation wasn't fair to either of us, and at the time he was giving more to the relationship then I was. I knew I had to let him go. Even with all of that knowledge it took me over a year to fully let go. 

I am now worlds and even lifetimes away from those days, but when I really stop to think, it hits me how it hasn't been that long. Even though I have made tremendous progress with my life and within myself, I've been able to do all of those things because I made the decision to focus on me.

I've been adamantly against being in a relationship because it occurred to me that I had never really been single in my adult life. The five months between ending one relationship and getting into another doesn't provide a lot of personal discovery time.

When things ended this last time, I was determined to not jump into anything right away. A little over a year later, I still don't necessarily feel ready to get back out there. I know that I still have work to do, and that there are things I want to be better sorted before a relationship comes knocking.

So instead of worrying about it so much, and feeding the anxiety, I am going to trust that the Universe knows what is for my highest good, and continue focusing on what I can change. 

It something that it is much easier said then done, but I really believe that it is something that I can do. I certainly do not expect things to change overnight, just like I don't expect this to be an easy journey. One thing I do expect is that the rewards will be infinitely worth the effort. 

Sending you light and love,

Thealynn


As an additional note, I wanted to take a moment to recognize my friend J who was patient and helpful when I was struggling to write this piece. Our conversations were exactly what I needed, your encouragement especially. You have my deepest thanks.

©2013-2015 Thealynn

New Year, New Chapter

Hello again lovies,


I may be a bit late with the sentiment but I caught a cold for my birthday and have been snuggled up in bed with tea and my kitty cat.

Tomorrow starts the beginning of a new term at school which means a couple of things.

1. I need to somehow fix my sleep schedule real quick.

2. It is doubtful that I will be able to continue writing every couple of days has I have been doing these last few weeks.

I will continue to post while in school, I know that last time things became too overwhelming, but as most of the contributing factors are no longer an issue, I will be making an effort to post at least once a week in addition to updating the weekly oracle card. My hope is that Sunday will be my designated blog day, but please understand that the oracle card update may be all I am able to do some weeks.

Despite the cold, I am happy to be getting back to school. While my break was much needed and much appreciated, I am excited to be moving towards my goals again. This will be my third term of my first year, being on the quarter system helps break up the year and it makes me feel like I am getting much more done. It's all about perspective right?

One of the things I want to start doing with you all is sharing when I achieve a goal. As you may have read previously I have begun using the Leonie Dawson Create Your Shining Year work book, but I set one goal for myself before I began filling out the book. That goal was to fully let go and to forgive those who have hurt me and to forgive myself for hurting others.

While the list is a bit longer then I had originally thought, I was able to forgive and completely move on and let go of the two biggest names on that list. I wasn't sure I had really done it until I retrieved the last few boxes that had been somehow missed during my move.

I wasn't sure what all these boxes would hold, my ex certainly thought they were mine, and by looking at the top, he was right. But as I began to go through each one I couldn't help but laugh because the majority of the contents were in fact his!

Instead of feeling anger or resentment I continued going through the boxes separating everything between trash and donation. Rather then feeling the need to completely trash or burn his belongings I reboxed what could be donated, gave it all a good cleansing with some sage, said a blessing and now it's ready to find new homes.

It did occur to me for a very brief moment that he might want some of the things in these boxes, but it also occurred to me that if he had really been missing any of it, then all he had to do was look through them. I also remember having lunch with his mom on my birthday and how she mentioned all of the junk he had continued collecting.

I made the executive decision to follow through with my plan rather than going through the unavoidable drama of trying to return a few trinkets. At the end of the day, getting back in touch because of the boxes would only open the door that I had just firmly closed. It simply wasn't worth it.

I wanted to share this because even though it sounds like such a small thing, it's really one of the biggest changes I've made in my life. Knowing that if I believe in my heart the value of something and put my mind to it, that I can achieve it. I CAN make it happen.

Goals used to be something that intimidated me, because that meant that I needed to have a plan, and that if I didn't follow through then I was a failure.

I have completely changed my perspective on goals, and how I am going about them. Some goals are for me and my benefit, some are about helping to change the world around me. Goals are the action plan for your dreams, they help to make that dream come true.

Forgiving the people that I have, was not something I planned on doing, not even for myself. I was content to holding a space of hate for them forever. Slowly I began to realize that they would have no way of knowing that I still hated them. They would have no clue whatsoever that I still carried the burden of the experience that caused the hate.

Granted they would have no way of knowing I had forgiven them either. They would have no clue that I had picked up my life and that I am doing better without them, that I am making my life into what I want it to be.

It wasn't for them though; it was for me. Just like going through those boxes free of grudges and negativity was for me. Choosing to donate all of those clothes and items was for me. I decided late last year that 2014 would be my last year in fear. Hate is fear's partner in crime. I wasn't about to fall back into that space and that way of living when I have taken so many steps forward.

If I want to continue moving forward in all areas of my life, I need to have as little holding me back as possible. I need my heart light, and open to my intuition, and my guides. I need to be open to the Universe as I am provided with markers on this journey so that I can make the most of it.

Knowing that the first goal I made for myself is done, is such a gratifying experience. Having that mental check next to the item on that list gives me so much joy. It's not even a list I intend to keep! Feeling that space in my heart and soul empty of negativity and bitterness admitted feels strange, but now there is that much more space to fill with something much more beneficial.

Love.

I hope that you take this opportunity in the new year and full moon to release your fears and whatever else that may be keeping you from realizing your potential. If you have not already be sure to check out this weeks Oracle Card as it can help shed some light.

In love and light,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn

For All Intents and Purposes

Hello lovies,

I have been receiving the same question by several people during the last few days, so I thought I would take some time to answer that question.

As you may have noticed, there are posts dated from last year, and then I simply disappeared for a year. The last post I made before the hiatus wasn't even published until almost a month after I had written it. So it's only natural that people would wonder:

Why did I stop writing? What caused me to start this project up again? Why decide to make this a public blog instead of keeping it private like a journal?

The main reason I stopped writing was simply because I was utterly and completely overwhelmed by everything else that I had going on in my life at the time. I was working full time in a very demanding and stressful environment, I was trying to do school part time, I had mutually ended a loving relationship because neither of us were really getting what we needed, and home life was stressful to the point where I felt like I had to leave as soon as possible.

I could barely keep myself together to go to work only to come home to a place that I didn't feel welcome while trying to keep up with school work.

Writing just was not a priority for me. I didn't even think about my blog for months after I made that last post. I honestly can't recall what made me decide to visit my page and look over everything again. But it happened and here we are! I guess it's just divine design.

What compelled me to start writing again? Well, if you check out the first post since coming back which is titled When One Door Closes, you'll read about a very powerful experience, and I just felt inspired. I had to write, I had to share my experience. A couple of years ago I tried my hand at a Youtube channel talking about my path and my experiences and while it was cathartic at the time, I didn't always feel comfortable filming since I did not live alone and those I lived with were not supportive or understanding of my path. So that was an endeavor that did not last long. I also did not feel savvy enough with posting and filming and editing, etc.

Why make the blog public? For very much the same reason that I wanted to have a successful Youtube channel. I wanted to connect with others who were of similar minds, and on similar paths, but I also wanted to do something to give back to those who unknowingly helped me on my path. I wanted to do something to help my community, near or far.

Helping to spread tolerance and helping to provide education on what this path can be like, I believe are essential things. There is so much hate and propaganda, misinformation, and ignorance (either by design or happenstance) that simply is unnecessary.

People are going to believe what they like, and some may even refuse to educate themselves, and that is their choice. But because of the negative shroud that paganism has been cloaked in, people can be scared away from either learning for themselves, or accepting that their hearts truth lies somewhere beneath that enormous umbrella.

By being open, and honest and sharing all of the ways that we are just like everyone else, but perhaps do things a bit differently; it not only opens the lines of communication, but it illuminates the truth versus the fantastical. Which is something I wholeheartedly believe in.

I believe in it so strongly that I have slowly been taking steps to put myself out into the pagan community where I live. Admittedly my comfort levels have varied since the time I decided it was something I wanted to do, but everything in its own time.

In fact it's only been in the last couple of weeks that I have begun making connections with those in my immediate community about becoming involved with a couple of different groups. Which is so exciting to me, I am so anxious to see how these connections develop and just to see where this adventure takes me.

I know that taking those first steps can be hard and even scary, in fact I know better then most. It's taken half of my life and several other necessary journeys to bring me to this place. By no means did I simply jump in, I played a lot of spirituality-chicken.

So if you're not sure what exactly what you believe or if you're interested in learning more but you're not sure if you should-I've been there. I understand how frustrating it can be being so uncertain about something that so many people are certain of.

Don't be afraid to take your time. Don't feel like you have to decide by a certain point, as if there is some deadline that is ticking away. I created those types of limitations for myself because I felt like I had to, and all it did was push me away from everything that I could or did believe in whether I openly admitted it or not.

This journey is for YOU, for YOUR benefit.

I feel called to help bring paganism out into the open, so we're not all crunched into the broom closet together, as part of this life's purpose. To let the world in, to let them see, to help those who are willing to listen understand who we are and what it is that we do.

My goal is not to make paganism popular or 'main stream'. My goal is to help erase the fear that has been ingrained into society, to help lift the wool the has been pulled over the eyes of the world and to help people understand that hate and negative stereotypes only cause us to go backwards instead of moving forwards.

So, there you have it!

Now, if you are waiting for the post about my mystery gift, I am afraid that you will have to wait a few days longer as I am out of town for my birthday, I have not forgotten! I am hoping to have that and at least one most post up before the end of the week, but I make no promises as this time of year is so busy.

If nothing else be sure to check in on the weekly oracle card and monthly tarot card as this will be your last chance to see the card for December as it will be changing in just a few short days!

Sending you all light and love and patience this night; you deserve to take your time and the freedom to search your soul's truth. The Universe is full of patience and understanding, even in times when we are not.

Many blessings to you and yours,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn