Deep In The Dark

Deep In The Dark

I was raised to be afraid of the dark

To fear the shadows and any and all who lurked there

I was taught to avoid the deep

To shy away from any and all who might lead me there

Only trouble and danger waited in the dark

The shadows were there to smother your senses

Going deep could only end in a drowning

Nothing worth having or being existed in those places

Nature was pretty in sight and scent

But nature was below us, because it was made for us

We were above nature, we were masters

Nevermind that we wouldn’t survive without it

In Nature, the dark is natural

The dark is needed to balance the light

Life and Death dance together out of necessity and love

Thus Nature is dark, and dark is Death

As I grew so did my love for nature

The simplicity dancing with the complexity

Dancing in rhythm just as Life and Death do

As I grew so did my curiosity of the dark

I found myself feeling safe in the shadows

I found myself longing for the deep

The peace, the quiet, the comfort

Such things are plentiful in the dark

The dark holds truths that require strength

The dark holds a silent song

The dark requires nothing

The dark only asks for authenticity

It’s easy to hide here in the dark

But it is courage that is needed to find yourself there

I now long for the long nights

For the voices and the whispers that caress my skin like a breeze

Some may find fear in the dark

But the pitch black is where I find love

Ancient wisdom and magic make up this place

I make up this place

Deep inside I am the Dark

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

A Love Note in a Bottle

Hey there loves,

I don't know how many have seen my previous post, in which I shared my experiences over the last year. The first year since I was sexually assaulted and how I've tried to move forward only to find myself stuck in the past for the last several weeks.

I had a coaching session with a wonderful mentor earlier this week and they helped to pull me back into the present rather being lost in my past. Rather than chastising myself for getting lost on the way forward, I embraced myself with compassion and understanding that I'd been denying myself.

Somewhere along the way I had forgotten what I needed most from myself, which was love. Tonight as I was writing down some thoughts, I recalled a love letter that I had written to myself some months ago. As I read the message, it was as if I was reading from my future self rather than my past, and perhaps in a way, that's true.

I was so moved by the contents, I wanted to share that letter here. I was to preface this by saying that I have simply copied and pasted the contents from its source, and thus I will not be making any edits. I also wanted to say that I truly believe that this is not just a love letter to myself, but to everyone. While it does contain female pronouns because that is how I personally identify, I want everyone to feel free to save this letter, share it, change the pronouns if you feel called to do so.

From the bottom of my heart I send you all compassion and love,

Thealynn

Hello you,

Before I really jump into starting this project and starting this journey, I wanted to say a couple of things to you, to me? To you, me, us. 

Before I say anything else, I want to say that I love you. 

I know I don't say that to you nearly as much as I should, and I am going to commit to changing that, because you are miraculous. You have faced so many challenges, you have overcome so many trials and no matter how close you may have come, you have never given up. 

I know how close you've come, because I have been there with you. I am the voice who had pleaded with you to stay, who has begged you to keep trying, who has held you close in those times when you didn't feel like you were strong enough. I am that voice who encourages you to keep going, even if it's just one more day. 

You may not think this about yourself, but I want you to understand how resilient you truly are. I never want you to think that you are somehow weak or fragile - don't let yourself be confused when it comes to being vulnerable. We have our moments, everyone does, and it takes a courageous person to allow yourself to embrace that vulnerability, it is there that true healing happens. 

You deserve to heal. You deserve to leave the hurt behind. I know you're stubborn enough to never truly forget what has gotten you to the places and people who have caused so much chaos, and I know how much you want to be a safe space for others, but never forget that you deserve that safe space within yourself and for yourself. 

You are wise in that you forgive all of those who have wronged you, because in the end, you will be so far above them that not forgiving them will ultimately bring you down and keep you from progressing. You are also wise in that you allow yourself the space and the time you need to arrive at  forgiveness.

Never question yourself when it comes to the time frame in which things happen and evolve because no time is wasted. While others may struggle with the same obstacles time and again, you do not. You see where a better choice could have been made and you merge with it so completely that you watch for it in times to come. 

You are cautious, you are learning discernment, and how to put yourself and your needs first. You are selfless, you are kind, you are generous. Be sure that you are all of these things not just to those around you, but to yourself as well. 

I want you to know how proud I am of you. Your life and your person could have gone so many directions and yet you have stayed true to yourself to the best of your abilities, even in times when it would have been understandable if you had strayed. 

Despite the horrors that have been committed against you, to find the trust and the perseverance in Spirit that there is more than meets the eye, seems almost impossible at times, but you always manage to do so in your own time. 

You are continuously grateful to Spirit for Its bountiful gifts, and slowly if not surely, you are learning to accept them not just for others, but for yourself.

This may not have been an easy life to choose, but you chose it because you knew then and know now that you are capable of conquering your mission here, one wave at a time. 

You are not a victim, nor are you merely a survivor, you are a warrior. You are a hero for all of those who do not know how to reach that inner strength, you help others find the light within themselves, you help to quite the outside noises to that their true voice might be heard. 

You are healer, teacher, guide, priestess. You are a shinning star that glows with the warmth and love of the Great Goddess, Mother to All. You possess both light and darkness, you are both life and death. 

Be open to washing away the pain my dear, you don't need to hold onto it any longer.

Amen, Aho, and So It Is. 

Many Blessings, 

Namaste.

~Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf 8/28/2016

One Year Later

5/10
Yesterday marked one year since it happened; since I was raped. In some ways it's hard to believe that so much time has passed, but when I look back and really allow myself to think about it, it has easily been the longest year of my life.

A year ago I didn't think that I would make it to this point. I didn't think I would make it past an hour, or two. I didn't think that I would be able to make my way through an entire day. This time last year I was in denial, I thought I had imagined it all. I thought I had simply experienced a horrible nightmare that I just needed to wake up from.

I remember feeling separate from my body, like a switch in my brain had initiated cruise control and when my exit came I would somehow snap out of it and then everything would be fine again...but it never did. For days it went on, all I could do was cry until I was too weak to do even that. I remember only being able to rest for maybe 15 or 20 minutes at a time before waking up terrified for a few minutes before realizing where I was.

It didn't seem to matter whether I was in my own room, or if I was with my partner. I remember thinking that the pain was all I would ever feel again, that the guilt I never understood before was the only thing that seemed to make sense, and even though I struggled to form together even the simplest of words, inside my mind all I could do was scream.

I had felt my heart break in more ways then one, by more than one person. I had experienced devastation and wondered how I long it would be until I felt better again. But not this time. I had been transported to the darkest place I had ever been in, a place that I didn't have know existed until I found myself there. And there was no getting out, at least, as far as I could see.

It was slow going; every day was a challenge with ever hour filled with sense of hopelessness, of utter loneliness, of rage and anger and confusion, constant nausea and dizzy spells that would seemingly come out of nowhere.

5/17

When I set out to write this, I didn't have trouble finding the words; in fact they flowed so easily that I found myself wondering if it had actually been as long as the calendar says. I doubted that the justice which had been served was legitimate or whether I had imagined it all.

In my own way I became lost trying to navigate how the rest of my life is supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do next. So much of that year was simply trying to figure out how to get my life back, so much of last year was desperately clinging onto the hope and the indispensable belief that justice would be served, if for no other reason than because I couldn't picture what it would look like otherwise.

It's been a few months now simply just trying to get back to it all, and in some ways I feel lost without that desperation and that light at the end of the tunnel that I couldn't seem to erase from my mind's eye. It took weeks for it to really sink in that my legal fight was over, and not only that, but that I had won. I was victorious, and I could breath a little easier knowing that my attacker was behind bars.

In this past year, I have wondered several times what I would feel once I got to this point, one year past.

5/23

When I set out to write this I didn't expect it to take two weeks, potentially being the longest amount of time that I have spent working on a single posting.

When I made the decision to fight back, to fight for justice and ultimately decided that I wanted my life back; I didn't realize that the journey back to myself would be just as if not more difficult as the journey to justice.

No one speaks about how being a survivor is in itself a way of life. No one tells you that once the fight is over that a new one begins. No one mentions that every day can be its own battle to maintain what has already been so hard fought for.

I had hoped that once I had won my case that I wouldn't think about my attack or my attacker as often as I do. I didn't think I would see him in the features of strangers, I didn't think that I would have to regularly remind myself that he is in jail. I didn't think I would doubt my safety as often as I catch myself doing. I didn't think that I would be able to understand why victims some times choose to end their lives than to continue as intimately as I do even after so much time has passed.

But that's when I stop and I ask myself to look deeply at how much my life has improved in the last year; not because of what happened to be but in spite of it all.

I have a wonderful job where I am surrounded by amazingly supportive and compassionate people, I have a beautiful home where I feel safe and secure where I can practice my belief and my skills freely, I have a growing relationship with my siblings that I lacked this time last year, and I have a deeply loving relationship with a partner that I fall in love with every time I see them.

I may have been unaware that this next step was just that, it is simply the next chapter of my story, the next leg of my ultimate journey. I don't want to put some sort of illusion out there that this journey of healing will or will not ever have an ending, but I hope that it does.

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Full Moon in Libra Tarot Reading

Hello loves,

I realize this card is coming a bit behind the curve, and while I could thank any number of reasons why, suffice it to say that until this morning I was not connecting with the Universe and if I can't genuinely feel the message coming through, I feel it best not to share.

For this month's reading I decided to work with the DruidCraft Tarot by Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm.

This month's card surprised me a bit, there have been very few times when a Court Card as come up, and I do believe that this may be the first time that one has come up in the reversed position.

I began thinking about all of the energy that is present in the Universe at this time, and seeing this card, I think it hits the nail right on the head.

The Card I pulled, is the King of Pentacles, Reversed.

As soon as I remembered Saturn is in retrograde (which how could I forget being a Capricorn?) I almost started laughing. Venus, Jupiter and Mercury are also in retrograde at the moment, although some not for much longer. If you want to read more about these planets in retrograde, here's a fun article I found, April Vedic Astrology.

With all of the upheaval and the Full Moon being in Libra, calling for balance in all areas of your life, you might be wondering what the King of Pentacles has to say about it.

The King of Pentacles can represent a person who has reached their desired level of comfort. He wants for nothing and has worked hard for his position; he is kind and fair, and enjoys the best life can offer. He is a passionate person who loves his family, and takes pleasure in the material aspect of life.

When not representing a person, this card can mean that great success is being achieved, and it is time to treat yourself for all of your hard work. Perhaps you're closing in on a new home or have landed a new promotion.

However, when the King of Pentacles appears in the reversed position, he could represent a person in your life who is rigid, cold, stubborn, unwilling to compromise. This card could also represent a stall in negotiations or perhaps you could be suffering a financial loss.

As I was meditating on what the strongest message was, there was a great sense of 'holding my breath' like I was on the precipice of some sort of big decision, one that could change everything, I heard the same phrase over and over again,

this is the time to stop and ask yourself, is this really what you want? Whatever the it is for you.
If so, is this really the way you want to go about getting it?

Some times getting to the top means you're at the top alone, and even once you're there, do you have what you need to stay there? There are no guarantees in life, and the King of Pentacles urges you to see the realities for what they are.

Some times in our race to success we often overlook things we should not. The devil is in the details, and as painstaking as it can be, now is a time when it is of utmost importance to be thorough. And what's more, it is even more imperative to be honest with ourselves.

When planets are in retrograde, it can feel like we are under a microscope, which is not exactly a comfortable feeling. But I can promise you, that if you practice patience, and if you're diligent, things will come around, they will work themselves out, and you will be better off for it.

Better to take your time and be confident in yourself and your work than to rush in guns blazing half cocked.

 Wishing you all of the best,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Back From Break

Hey there loves,

I realize that it's been a couple of weeks since I wrote last, and in truth it had nothing to do with 'not having anything to talk about' and everything to do with simply taking a step back and really letting my last article sink in.

Some times when I write, I feel more like a conduit for the messages versus being in the driver's seat; which I am not complaining about, but some times it takes me by surprise.

As I am preparing to take the next step in my journey, I thought I owed it to myself to simply take a break for a little while. Take a break from Facebook and my groups, take a break from watching Netflix and YouTube, I even took a small break from work (thank you vacation time.)

Every once in a while, we as humans just need a break. A break from our typical routines, a break from the people we see everyday (with a few exceptions as necessary), a break from the internet, really a break from any and everything that we allow to demand attention from us. Most of the time that includes the things that we love the most.

I know that I personally try avoiding extensive breaks simply because I have this habit of not coming back to things, I do eventually, but it can take time. It can feel like I'm losing momentum, and that in and of itself can be the very indication that I need to just listen to my intuition, and slow down.

I am beginning to be able to pinpoint the areas of my life where I don't trust myself as much as I do in other areas, and it's so interesting to me, because they are such little things in the grand scheme of things. Like coming back to write in this blog for example, it's not like I have any sort of schedule for myself unless it comes to the Full Moon postings or any postings regarding the Wheel of the Year.

I just don't work that way, in fact trying to have to many time restrictions and I become more tired and more resistant to writing at all. I end up feeling like I let myself down, or my readers down, and that's simply not the case.

I would so much rather give myself the break, and come back when I feel called to do so, and to just chat as I am doing now. Perhaps it's the fact that Saturn went into retrograde today, that I am feeling the ease of simply slowing down (being a Capricorn and all.)

Slowly but surely I am beginning to realize that I need to be as gentle and caring with myself as I am with others. I've lacked balance in that respect for such a long time that I think this break was perfect for what I needed.

I will also admit that there is a sense of readiness to return to my routines, I know that if I stray too far and my relaxation turns into laziness, and being that it's a rather fine line for me to begin with, I do my best to stay active.

Being that that I am currently having trouble remembering that we are in April now, I will do my best to stay on track and not let my April Full Moon Tarot Reading be late. I'm very interested to see if Saturn Retrograde will play a part in next weeks reading.

Image from www.tehcute.com

Until next time,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

As We Grow

Hey there loves,

Over this last year I have talked a lot about the struggles I have faced, my doubts and my insecurities and how helpless everything has felt at times. I have shared some of my darkest moments with strangers whom I might never meet, I have been vulnerable through an empty screen not because it's easier to do than to be with so with people, but because this blog really has turned into a giant mirror for me. 

Writing has provided this incredible opportunity to take a long hard look and to face the emotions and thoughts that might not have a voice otherwise. I'll be the first to admit that for a long time I struggled with what I should be writing about because I just had trouble finding the words. 

I would start off well enough and then something would happen, ranging from up setting to traumatic, and simply taking the time to process it through before coming back always felt necessary. Looking back through my postings it seems that there are far fewer instances where I have shared something on the lighter side of my life because in truth, writing has always been a tool in which to process my experiences and I think it's fair to say that our more difficult experiences are those that require that time and that energy to get through them. 

Because when we experience something positive, we live it with ease, perhaps even excitement. I think others would agree that when we have a positive experience that it flows through us, we don't always stop to think how it's going to affect us moving forward; unlike when we experience something painful.

This past week I had my last session with the individual I had been seeing not only for my mental health, but for my spiritual health as well. For the better part of a year I had been seeing this healer speaking to them on topics ranging all over my life, and by the end of our session it was apparent to both of us that I was in possibly the best shape I have ever been in. 

They recalled our first session and how emotional it was for the both of us. I remember sitting in that chair across from them just as I was then, and feeling so safe despite having not developed a relationship with them at that point. I remembered crying so openly and feeling the love and support and an unspeakable trust that this was the person that was going to help me find myself again. 

I was filled with this strange combination of feeling that I was ready to essentially go on without them, and yet not wanting to be finished. I had been able to make so much progress with their support and guidance that I was almost hesitant to trust that inner knowing that told me I was ready. 

It took some time to sink in that I was in fact ready to take that next step forward. I had spent so much of this last year working towards very specific goals and now that those goals have been reached, there was an opportunity for the question, 'now what?'

But there wasn't. Instead I was able to embrace the gratitude I felt in my heart for this amazing person who showed me how best to help myself, and how to truly listen when Spirit spoke to me. My last session with them was the first in over a month due to a much needed sabbatical they were called to. During that time I was given the chance to take everything that they had taught me and really run with it, and it led me to finding new avenues to pursue. It also provided me with an opportunity to really show myself how ready I am for this next step.

Normally about this time is when fear and anxiety would kick in, and I would begin to think how much of a mistake it was to agree to end the sessions. Or I would be worried and confused about what exactly 'the next step' is supposed to be. 

Rather than that being the case, I feel at peace, I feel ready and excited to take that next step even though I know that it's going to be a short while before I begin the next leg of my journey. In an attempt not be to impatient, I'm allowing myself the time to process how much I've accomplished, and give myself a chance to take a deep breath and rest peacefully in my triumphs. 

For the first time in what seems like so long, I feel a sense of genuine peace, not because I think I'm healed and can put the past behind me. But because I trust the tools I have been given and because I trust that I know how to use them. I know my path and I trust that I am being guided to those who will help me along the way. 

It's a remarkable feeling, I hope that this feeling will only grow stronger, just as I grow stronger.

image from Poem Porn

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Full Moon in Virgo Tarot Reading

Hey there loves, 

If you have been with me before then this might appear a bit different to you. In a slightly unintentional move while attempting some editing, I ended up deleting all of the pages I've had on my blog; most of which had been deactivated but were still visible, in an effort to remove them, I ended up removing the page where the Monthly Tarot Card used to be.

Rather then attempting to recreate it and to redo the page with every new card, for the time being, I have decided to simply add the Full Moon Tarot Card each month as a regular post, this way those who wish to do so will be able to go back through previous postings and see previous card readings.

With all of that being said! If you are new with me, I have been pulling a monthly tarot card for the majority of my time blogging, and recently felt called to pull during the full moon of each month rather than at the beginning of the month.

When I pull a card, I pull for the general collective, for anyone who either follows my blog on a regular basis or maybe they just check in from time to time. I always smudge myself and my cards before a reading to ensure that not only am I focused but that I am in sacred space to allow the energy and flow of the messages are clear and concise from Spirit.

The deck that I will be using for these monthly card readings is the Oceanic Tarot by Jayne Wallace.

Card: The Vortex
Keywords: Illusions, Temptation

Before I jump into this, I want to openly acknowledge that I am roughly a week behind the full moon, as I stated about, I had this all ready to go and in a twist of fate or humor depending on how you choose to look at it, I lost everything I had written about this reading.

I became frustrated with it all and decided to wait until I had a clear head to really convey the message of this card. And if I'm being completely honest, I think it really worked out in the long run because I've been able to spend this time reflecting on how this card is as much a reminder for me as it is for everyone who is going to see this.

One thing I want to point out about this card is that in the traditional tarot, this card would be the Devil card. However, I feel like the message is so similar that it's almost too on the button, but I think that's how things are when they really hit home.

The Vortex shows to Merfolk caught in an underwater tempest with no real way of knowing if they are capable of making it out or not. I feel that this reflects life a lot of times, or rather, how we view life a lot of the time.

"If it's not one shit show, it's another." Translates to, "If it's not one storm, it's another."

It's tempting to maintain the illusion of continuously being stuck inside of a storm, going from one problem to the next, having to deal with this bullshit here and that bullshit there, when is it ever going to let up?

What this card is asking us to do is to really be honest with ourselves and to break free of the illusion of blame. So often we end up blaming other people for the situations that we find ourselves in, and we do this to the point where we end up refusing to take any form of responsibility. Thus feeding the Vortex, and keeping us in a place of perpetual unhappiness.

The Vortex is asking us to cut the crap and to really be open with ourselves when it comes to the extent of making our own hell. The only person keeping us trapped in that space is ourselves, and the only one who can free us, is ourselves.

When we look at the card we can see the two Merfolk not even close to each other, and yet they wouldn't be able to help each other escape if they can't even get themselves out first.

We encounter so many situations that test our patience, our resolve, our strength; no one said that life was easy. We only have control over ourselves, and how we chose to react to the obstacles that enter our path. That's not to say to never get angry or frustrated, that's just part of the human package, the trick is to not stay in that place.

If you allow yourself to stew and dwell in the negative spaces, that's all you'll be able to see because that is all you will attract to yourself. Leaving the Vortex can be difficult, but it's not impossible. Again, it all comes down to choice.

With the Spring Equinox just a couple of days away and the New Moon following the next week, this is a prime opportunity to really ask yourself, what kind of vortex have I created for myself, and am I ready to leave?

There is no shame in taking it one day at a time, we all learned how to walk one step at a time. Making the choice every single day is a big step in and of itself.

I genuinely feel that this card and this message came up now because so many of us are already on the path to making this kind of change. I also genuinely believe that when I pull these cards for the collective (meaning anyone who sees this posting) needs this message at exactly the time that they find this reading.

It feel like the world is being shaken awake, and this is part of our wake up call, as individuals who are on the path, or perhaps folks who are trying to find the path. This is for you, this is the Universe telling you that you deserve better and all you have to do is believe that it's true and start treating yourself like you deserve better.

Until next time loves,
be sure to take good care,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf