As We Grow

Hey there loves,

Over this last year I have talked a lot about the struggles I have faced, my doubts and my insecurities and how helpless everything has felt at times. I have shared some of my darkest moments with strangers whom I might never meet, I have been vulnerable through an empty screen not because it's easier to do than to be with so with people, but because this blog really has turned into a giant mirror for me. 

Writing has provided this incredible opportunity to take a long hard look and to face the emotions and thoughts that might not have a voice otherwise. I'll be the first to admit that for a long time I struggled with what I should be writing about because I just had trouble finding the words. 

I would start off well enough and then something would happen, ranging from up setting to traumatic, and simply taking the time to process it through before coming back always felt necessary. Looking back through my postings it seems that there are far fewer instances where I have shared something on the lighter side of my life because in truth, writing has always been a tool in which to process my experiences and I think it's fair to say that our more difficult experiences are those that require that time and that energy to get through them. 

Because when we experience something positive, we live it with ease, perhaps even excitement. I think others would agree that when we have a positive experience that it flows through us, we don't always stop to think how it's going to affect us moving forward; unlike when we experience something painful.

This past week I had my last session with the individual I had been seeing not only for my mental health, but for my spiritual health as well. For the better part of a year I had been seeing this healer speaking to them on topics ranging all over my life, and by the end of our session it was apparent to both of us that I was in possibly the best shape I have ever been in. 

They recalled our first session and how emotional it was for the both of us. I remember sitting in that chair across from them just as I was then, and feeling so safe despite having not developed a relationship with them at that point. I remembered crying so openly and feeling the love and support and an unspeakable trust that this was the person that was going to help me find myself again. 

I was filled with this strange combination of feeling that I was ready to essentially go on without them, and yet not wanting to be finished. I had been able to make so much progress with their support and guidance that I was almost hesitant to trust that inner knowing that told me I was ready. 

It took some time to sink in that I was in fact ready to take that next step forward. I had spent so much of this last year working towards very specific goals and now that those goals have been reached, there was an opportunity for the question, 'now what?'

But there wasn't. Instead I was able to embrace the gratitude I felt in my heart for this amazing person who showed me how best to help myself, and how to truly listen when Spirit spoke to me. My last session with them was the first in over a month due to a much needed sabbatical they were called to. During that time I was given the chance to take everything that they had taught me and really run with it, and it led me to finding new avenues to pursue. It also provided me with an opportunity to really show myself how ready I am for this next step.

Normally about this time is when fear and anxiety would kick in, and I would begin to think how much of a mistake it was to agree to end the sessions. Or I would be worried and confused about what exactly 'the next step' is supposed to be. 

Rather than that being the case, I feel at peace, I feel ready and excited to take that next step even though I know that it's going to be a short while before I begin the next leg of my journey. In an attempt not be to impatient, I'm allowing myself the time to process how much I've accomplished, and give myself a chance to take a deep breath and rest peacefully in my triumphs. 

For the first time in what seems like so long, I feel a sense of genuine peace, not because I think I'm healed and can put the past behind me. But because I trust the tools I have been given and because I trust that I know how to use them. I know my path and I trust that I am being guided to those who will help me along the way. 

It's a remarkable feeling, I hope that this feeling will only grow stronger, just as I grow stronger.

image from Poem Porn

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Behind Door Number Five

Hey there loves,

As I am sure you are aware by this point, I am not afraid to talk about tough subjects, or if I do find myself apprehensive about discussing a subject, it's really only a matter of time until I feel ready to talk about it.

Well, this time is a bit different. This time, it's a subject that I am having a hard time processing. I don't think that accepting is the right word, but I think there is a resistance to fully accepting. The feelings that I experience are very erratic in that they go from one end of the spectrum to the next.

Today, I am talking about PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder.

In my last couple of articles I've talked about different tools, and resources I've been using to help me through this painful journey. One struggle I seem to be finding is that, the pain I feel has so many different layers, so many different aspects.

Some days it feels like those layers are so heavy, that I wonder how I've been walking around for the last four months, how I've been able to carry them all.

One thing that is scary but helpful about receiving professional help is that you learn to identify what some of those layers are, and for me PTSD has multiple layers simply within itself.

The connection to PTSD was made during my session earlier this week, and since then it's been a roller coaster of a kind of weight lifted off my shoulders having an explanation for all of the seemingly little things that I've been plagued with, and a sickening feeling in my gut telling me that I have one more thing - one more, big, heavy thing, to contend with and to spend my days identifying when it comes up. 

It's a blessing and a curse because I've realized the extent of which I've living within my PTSD, and at the same time I can put those symptoms in a box; I can compartmentalize and remind myself that it's a temporary condition and that I won't live this way forever. Even though there is a real possibility that I will.

So many of the struggles I've been dealing with are symptoms of PTSD, because they are in fact so numerous. From trouble sleeping to reliving the event in my mind to hyper-vigilance, just to name a few.

It was difficult for me to research PTSD because as I would read the symptoms, I could feel the echo of my experience with those symptoms deep within me, almost like a ripple affect. It even hits me some times how right now, I am experiencing what they call 'acute PTSD' meaning the symptoms are temporary and they fade away with time. But directly behind that reminder is a frightening whisper that acute PTSD can turn into chronic PTSD. While it's not an idea that I want at the forefront of my mind, it's also a very real possibility.

This whole ordeal, this whole process has been nothing short of a trail, and while being able to find my way back to my spiritual path has had incredible benefits and has helped me find myself again, having a sense of concrete knowing, has helped just as much if not more.

Knowing what I am facing helps to take away some of the fear of the remaining unknown elements. Knowing now that I am experiencing PTSD, knowing that my friends and family support me without reservations or doubts, knowing that everyday I am doing my best to take care of myself . . . 

Knowing that my case has finally be reviewed and is going to grand jury, helps me breath a little easier then I did the day before.

I know that I am nowhere near being out of the woods, whether it be regarding the legal process or regarding my own journey to healing, a huge step has been taken, and rather than think of everything that could go wrong, I am choosing to focus on the triumphs, and living in those moments of relief.

Just like I did in my article about tools and resources, I am going to include links for a couple of the pages I used in my research about PTDS.


NIMH-PTSD: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml

USDofVA: National Center for PTSD: http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/treatment/cope/index.asp

HelpGuide: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/ptsd-in-the-family.htm 

I am also going to include links for suicide prevention, whether you are experiencing depression, anxiety, PTSD - whatever it is, there is always help.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-TALK
Here is the link to the private chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

One last thing that I do want to say is that, while PTSD can be difficult to diagnose, it's very treatable. Regardless of the challenges and obstacles you may be facing, you deserve to life your life to the fullest, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

So much love to you wherever you are, and please remember that you are not alone. 

Brightest Blessings,

Thealynn

©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Looking in an Honest Mirror

Hey there lovies,

It's been a little while since I've talked about some of the more personal, nonspiritual aspects of my life so I thought that I would give a little bit of an update. I get the feeling that there are a lot of people out there who are under the impression that because someone might take a spiritual approach to life that we do not face the same struggles as someone who takes a more 'traditional religious' road or even a path free of any form of faith. Or that because of our perspective that we are able to maintain that perspective at all times and that we don't ever face times of doubt.

Both of which are untrue.

While all of the work that was done during my Open Heart series and all of the progress was made, which was surprisingly successful, there is still a lot of work to be done. I have mentioned in previous posts touching briefly on certain aspects of my shadowself that are particularly difficult to deal with when they make themselves known.

I was having a recent conversation with a close friend of mine about the struggles I've been facing recently, and they asked me if I had been maintaining my practice, and I admitted that I had been shying away from it a bit because of how I worry about infusing my practice with negativity.

Which I realize might sound silly, because one of the main reasons people turn to their faith of choice when they are struggling. In fact when I began walking this path again almost three years ago it was because I was facing a major crisis and desperately felt like I needed something to hold on to, something to serve as an anchor.

Now being as immersed as I am and as dedicated as I want to be, it fills me with no end of guilt that I am afraid of what I might be confronted with by working too closely with my guides; which stems from being worried about not being able to handle what is happening in other aspects of my life.

I've slowly been working on releasing the reins of control and being content with doing my best. I've been told that this is not uncommon but I have a tendency to hold myself to higher standards than I hold everyone else which often leads to me stressing and psyching myself out over 'not doing enough' or 'not doing well enough' when in reality I am doing just fine.

I also have a nasty habit of reliving conversations or events that hold a lot of negative feelings, perpetuating negative cycles. I also have the tendency to compartmentalize issues to the point where I literally forget about them, at least until they become a raging monster and infinitely more difficult to deal with.

There have been times in the past where things in my life have gotten so out of hand where it really feels like there is no way out-which is not true, no matter how difficult things seem.

It's occurred to me for some time that if I am really going to get a handle of things, on my life and live it the way I know it can be lived there are changes that must be made; figuring out how to make those choices in a way that they stick and are effective is a matter unto itself.

Earlier in the year I pulled a tarot card that would represent the theme of 2015 and it was a simple, yet loaded word: Choice.

Every day, every moment is a choice; even the seemingly most insignificant moments of our lives present us with a choice. Sometimes making those choices are more difficult than others, not acting, or responding are choices.

It's difficult to remember that some times, and some times we just don't feel like hearing it; we become desensitized to the sentiment.

While it's been something I know I have needed for quiet some time, I have done some research and reached out to a counselor for some professional assistance in getting my life on a healthier track and a better idea of what is causing my struggles so that I can deal with them on every aspect, not just a spiritual one.

I know that not everyone agrees one way or the other about any form of assistance or treatment, depending on where you're coming from. But just like I have said about working with guides, or with crystals and stones; you are the priority. Do what needs to be done for you.

This is something I feel confident about doing. I've always had an idea of what the root of my problems might have been, but I've never been entirely sure how to full identify or even fully heal. This is something I owe myself if I want to move forward and continue moving forward.

Am I scared?

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous about taking this step. I have no illusions about how difficult the work might be, but I do have hopes for what the results will look like. 

Light and love to you all dears,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn