As We Grow

Hey there loves,

Over this last year I have talked a lot about the struggles I have faced, my doubts and my insecurities and how helpless everything has felt at times. I have shared some of my darkest moments with strangers whom I might never meet, I have been vulnerable through an empty screen not because it's easier to do than to be with so with people, but because this blog really has turned into a giant mirror for me. 

Writing has provided this incredible opportunity to take a long hard look and to face the emotions and thoughts that might not have a voice otherwise. I'll be the first to admit that for a long time I struggled with what I should be writing about because I just had trouble finding the words. 

I would start off well enough and then something would happen, ranging from up setting to traumatic, and simply taking the time to process it through before coming back always felt necessary. Looking back through my postings it seems that there are far fewer instances where I have shared something on the lighter side of my life because in truth, writing has always been a tool in which to process my experiences and I think it's fair to say that our more difficult experiences are those that require that time and that energy to get through them. 

Because when we experience something positive, we live it with ease, perhaps even excitement. I think others would agree that when we have a positive experience that it flows through us, we don't always stop to think how it's going to affect us moving forward; unlike when we experience something painful.

This past week I had my last session with the individual I had been seeing not only for my mental health, but for my spiritual health as well. For the better part of a year I had been seeing this healer speaking to them on topics ranging all over my life, and by the end of our session it was apparent to both of us that I was in possibly the best shape I have ever been in. 

They recalled our first session and how emotional it was for the both of us. I remember sitting in that chair across from them just as I was then, and feeling so safe despite having not developed a relationship with them at that point. I remembered crying so openly and feeling the love and support and an unspeakable trust that this was the person that was going to help me find myself again. 

I was filled with this strange combination of feeling that I was ready to essentially go on without them, and yet not wanting to be finished. I had been able to make so much progress with their support and guidance that I was almost hesitant to trust that inner knowing that told me I was ready. 

It took some time to sink in that I was in fact ready to take that next step forward. I had spent so much of this last year working towards very specific goals and now that those goals have been reached, there was an opportunity for the question, 'now what?'

But there wasn't. Instead I was able to embrace the gratitude I felt in my heart for this amazing person who showed me how best to help myself, and how to truly listen when Spirit spoke to me. My last session with them was the first in over a month due to a much needed sabbatical they were called to. During that time I was given the chance to take everything that they had taught me and really run with it, and it led me to finding new avenues to pursue. It also provided me with an opportunity to really show myself how ready I am for this next step.

Normally about this time is when fear and anxiety would kick in, and I would begin to think how much of a mistake it was to agree to end the sessions. Or I would be worried and confused about what exactly 'the next step' is supposed to be. 

Rather than that being the case, I feel at peace, I feel ready and excited to take that next step even though I know that it's going to be a short while before I begin the next leg of my journey. In an attempt not be to impatient, I'm allowing myself the time to process how much I've accomplished, and give myself a chance to take a deep breath and rest peacefully in my triumphs. 

For the first time in what seems like so long, I feel a sense of genuine peace, not because I think I'm healed and can put the past behind me. But because I trust the tools I have been given and because I trust that I know how to use them. I know my path and I trust that I am being guided to those who will help me along the way. 

It's a remarkable feeling, I hope that this feeling will only grow stronger, just as I grow stronger.

image from Poem Porn

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Full Moon, Late Night

Good evening loves,

Happy Full Moon in Cancer!

Oh man, it's been a little over two years since I felt so moved after a full moon ritual, that I wanted to write about it. In fact, I believe that it was my first full moon ritual with Sage Goddess that I felt my spirit awaken, and was filled with the desire to create. And for a while there, I was writing almost every day, there was so much that was on my mind, that I wanted to share, that so desperately needed to be released that for a time it was just pouring out all over the place.

You may very well be feeling similarly with the Moon in her home planet tonight. If you're feeling like a mess or feeling overwhelmed, rest assured that after tomorrow the Moon begins her journey to Leo, which should prove to be rather interesting next month given that (at least in the society where I reside) Valentine's Day is a HUGE focus point for February, regardless of whether it is viewed in a positive or negative light. (But who doesn't like moon light, right?)

If you are currently in the one state that does not currently have snow, I will admit, I am slightly envious. As I have mentioned previously, and as I say in my bio, I live in the Pacific Northwest of the United States; we don't really get snow here, and in fact, as of yesterday, we are in a State of Emergency. It's a big deal for us. 

This week I was given the unexpected gift of a three day weekend, which has been extended to four due to the weather, and in this time I have been able to be still, to be quiet, to go inward and connect with my spirit and my guides in a way which I have not experienced in longer then I wish were true. 

It's given me such a wonderful opportunity to come back here and to start anew with the new year, to remind myself how much I love doing this; writing and sharing and connecting with any and all of those who take the time to read what I have to say. 

With all this unexpected free time, I knew I wanted to dedicate as much time as possible doing the things that I feel like I 'don't have time for' such as ritual. It was really important to me to be present and participate in this month's ritual for a couple of reasons. The main reason being that I missed the feeling of ritual, I missed the guided meditations, I missed connecting with the Universe in such a profound way, as I am able to do during these rituals if I give myself the chance. 

Another reason it was so important to me to participate in the ritual tonight was because I felt a very subtle but sincere pull. Which really got my attention because earlier today I sat before my alter and prayed for the first time, maybe ever. In my prayers I petitioned my goddess and a god from a pantheon a world away to help me maintain this emotional stability I seem to have stumbled upon. I can't say exactly what triggered these feels of security, but I have just been overwhelmed with gratitude, and for what feels like the first time, I have been able to suppress the feelings of anxiety, nervousness, worry, fear. 

Ah, fear. My old nemesis. As I sat down to write about tonight's experience, I was reminded how I felt so compelled to write after my first full moon ritual, and I decided to glance over it to see what these two experiences might share. 

It was during that first ritual that I discovered how fear had wound its way into damn near if not every aspect of my life, and how determined I was to eliminate fear from my life, and how I believed that 2015 would be the best year of my life. Well, that just wasn't the case. 2015 turned out to be one of the most difficult years of my life, but looking back now I can see how much was purged; that it took being on the edge of emotional and mental crippling for me to pull myself back and to blossom into the person that I would always reach out for but could never quite touch. 

Just like my first ritual with Sage Goddess, if I had to describe my experience tonight using only one word, that word would be: intense. 

I've been sharing on my Facebook page and Instagram, and even in my previous posting how things have been almost eerily falling into place, and how there have been multiple signs and synchronicities over the last several days - since the snow came! -  and how it's almost been freaking me out. Almost. 

Rather than be skeptical or push these gifts away (out of fear, i.e. it's too good to be true), I have found myself smiling and laughing in delight, and expressing sincere gratitude almost without thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, there have been moments where I have felt the fear and the worry creeping up on me, and there have even been a few moments here and there where that negative energy has filled my whole body. But what is miraculous to me is that I have been able to dis-spell those feelings.

When I felt myself struggling to do so is when I went before my alter and called to the Universe to help support me. I voiced my concerns, I asked for guidance, for reassurance, for strength to keep on the track I have worked so hard to be on. 

December of 2014 I made a commitment to myself to expel fear from my life. Tonight during ritual we traveled to meet with Zues and Athena, and during that experience I was gifted with the quiet revelation that I have nothing left to fear. That the fear I experience is an illusion, a cheap trick of my ego to keep me in a place of suffering. 

I was given a gift from both Athena and Zues, and even now hours after closing the circle, I can still feel their presence, their love and the soft look of pride in their eyes. I don't know that I have ever felt pride from any deity that I have ever worked with. 

This ritual has provided me with so much clarity, so much hope, so much peace. Even our ritual leader, also named Athena, spoke of things that resonated with me so deeply. There was one thing in particular that she touched on that I felt really hit the nail on the head. 

She spoke of this energy that has been in the field that is prompting us (I say that as a general collective) to get moving and get working, like the energy of Spring has come early. Which may very well explain my burst of energy to work on this blog so diligently, in addition to a couple of other projects that I mentioned previously in the vaguest way possible (of course.)

She reminded us that we are still in the period of rest, and how important it is to continue to allow ourselves this time so that when Spring does come around, that we have our reserves still in place. Now, Spring doesn't officially come around until late March (for us here in the Northern Hemisphere anyway), but we don't necessarily have to wait that long. February 1st also know as Imbolc/Imbolg is when the Earth begins to thaw and we begin to see the first signs of new life, such as animals giving birth, flowers starting to bloom, hopefully warmer temperatures....

I am so grateful that Athena touched on this, because holy cow have I been feeling that go, go, go energy. For the most part I have been able to rein it in and keep it in check, if you don't count the five postings in the last three, maybe four days...

Retaining my energy may prove to be a bit of a challenge simply do to the fact that I will be moving in three weeks, which is really soon. I am not moving far and I don't have much to move, but moving tends to be stressful and in addition to having lots of books, I have heavy furniture. 

That being said, I will be in my new home right around Imbolc, which is one more beautiful synchronicity that the Universe is blessing me with, so, definitely no complaints here. Tomorrow is the last day of my 'snow-cation' and I have to say that I am looking forward to getting back to my regular routine. 

Since our lovely Moon is going to be spending another day in her home of Cancer, I would sincerely encourage you to take an hour, and check out January's Full Moon Ritual, even if you just watch. I think you'll come away feeling glad that you did. 

One final note; full moons are a fantastic time to release and with this being the first full moon of 2017, really consider what needs to be left in 2016. Allow yourself to come into 2017 with less on your plate, less on your shoulders, and less weighing on your heart. It's okay to let those things go. Some times that's what needs to happen in order for all of the new and wonderful things to appear in your life. 

I'm not saying that it's not difficult, or painful, or scary to do so. I am saying that you're strong enough, and that you deserve the peace that will come from moving on from what no longer serves you. You've made it this far, and just think of how much further you can go when you allow yourself the freedom to do so.

 Brightest Blessings to you all,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Behind Door Number Three

Hey there lovies,

Welcome to Part Nine of my Open Heart Series!

If you have not read the previous parts of this series I would encourage you to follow the links below so that you can get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journeys of how, why, and how to!

Previous Series Postings
OHNMR
OHNMRT
Behind Door Number Two
Why Answer the Why
When Guides Come Knocking
Grounding and Bubble Meditiations
Whisperings of a Ghost 
Connecting with Your Guides

So without further ado!

There have been so many things that have transpired since I began this journey of my Open Heart series. I thought that reuniting with my father after twenty years would be the high light, but it turns out, the Universe had more in store for me.

Don't worry, I'll explain.

I am participating in sessions with a well versed spiritual teacher, along with many others, and during our most recent lesson a goddess' name was spoken and it sounded as if the name itself was ringing. Now, from time to time I will have random ringing or a high pitched note go off in my ears for varying amounts of time, and at first I thought that's what it was. As my teacher talked about part of our spiritual work and about the goddess herself, I felt myself slowly filling up and then slowly being surrounded by this energy.

I felt warm, empowered, creative and sexy. That last part really threw me for a loop, because there have been very few times that I have felt that way. Which I never really considered a bad thing, but when I was thinking about it a bit more and it made me...sad.

While I very much embrace the fact that I am an Earth sign, and am very much rooted in a physical world, I've never had much appreciated my own physical form. I've never considered myself particularly attractive, or fit, or even desirable.

There have been several years when I have told myself that I would get in shape, and I would change my eating habits and that I wanted to take better care of myself physically, I haven't done it. Not for extended periods of time anyway.

I never really gave  thought as to why it never stuck, or why I was never able to commit to it, and to be honest, the only thing that comes to mind is I am afraid of changing. Which sounds so silly when I put it that way, because there really are NO downsides to any of those goals. My ego comes into play though and reminds me of how gross I'll get working out, and how I'll be sore, and what about that asthma I've never been professionally diagnosed with?

While I have never been a particularly thin person, it's only been in the last five years that I've become overweight. Not dangerously so, but enough that any body issues I may have had before were magnified.

I was on the heavier side of the average for my age and height, and while I felt like my thighs were mountains, I was fine with the rest of my body. I certainly didn't love my body, but I didn't hate it either. Overall I just wasn't very excited about my whole self.

I've never liked too much physical activity because I felt like it only highlighted what I considered to be what I was physically lacking or I felt like I just was not good at whatever I was trying to do. I preferred to be stationary and write or read-not that that much has changed to be honest.

Last summer for one of my college classes I took ballroom dance, and I LOVED it. It's true that I was sore some days, and that we all certainly got sweaty due to lack of air conditioning in that part of the gym, but I had an absolute blast.

Before that class I always said how much I didn't think I could dance. And sure, it took a few classes to get the hang of things, but I was constantly being complimented on my technique when I was just flowing through the steps. It was something that just came naturally to me.

I was surprised because when I started high school I went through a major stint of depression where I completely disconnected from every aspect of life, and even though I got out of it, I never really felt connected on a physical level other than extreme pain.

As I slowly but surely began gaining weight, it affected not only my health, but my relationship. As much as my ex thought he was encouraging me, all he did was make me feel horrible about myself which only caused the cycle to continue. The ways that he enjoy exercising just did not appeal to me, which frustrated him, frustrated me, and only added to the problem.

When I was dancing, as much as I loved it, there was always a small part of me that was self-conscious about the way my body was moving, and how it looked while it was moving. There were moments when I was completely caught up in the dance and didn't care about it at all because I was connecting with a part of my soul that I didn't know existed.

When I have thought about getting in shape, and getting healthy, there has always been a block for me to do it, and as I have been writing this, I am now realizing that there are a couple of reasons.

1. I've been afraid of failing. I'm afraid of the looks I'll get from people while I am working out, I'm afraid of their judgement.

2. I've been afraid of what will happen if I loose the weight, but can't keep it off. It's easier just to maintain where I already am.

3. I've been afraid of not being able to loose the weight. If 'regular exercise' and a healthy diet don't do it, what will it take?

4. I've been afraid of not being attractive once I'm in better shape. It's been easy to justify not having someone in my life because of my weight. If I'm in good physical shape and I'm still not attractive, what does that say about me?

Seeing them listed in front of me is eye opening but it's also heartbreaking. While I feel somewhat relieved to have finally broken this thing down, I also feel a sense of shame because I realize how shallow these reasons are, especially the last.

I know that logically whoever I am with will love me and want to be with me because of who I am on the inside, and while I truly do believe that, it's hard to remember while I feel so negatively about myself on the outside.

While I consider myself a spiritual soul, I am also a very physical being. And I honestly believe that getting in touch with my body, and being brave and motivated to finally take those steps will only help to serve my highest good and my purpose.

In the honor of that, I am going to be implementing yoga and belly dancing into my daily routines. I'm doing to be doing some research on how best to get started, and I am hoping that I can start practicing the basics at home.

This was possibly one of the last deities I ever expected to come to me, let alone in such a profound way. Even though it has been almost two weeks since the initial interaction and I have continued to feel her presence and her energy. She has also popped up in several places since that time, only reinforcing her place in my life and in my spiritual work.

I had intended to use this posting to introduce her, and to share how I will be working with her, but I think this is what needed to be done in preparation of that. I'm so grateful for this journey, because it has taken me places I never thought I would go, or needed to go.

It's been almost two months since I started this journey again Through the Secret Door, and this series that started off with just a few simply posts has gown into the first tree I see planted in the garden of this sacred space.

I've taken my first step to surrendering to my purpose, and though I do not know what or how many steps lay before me, I know that will continue through with humility, free of fear, and knowing I have such an amazing goddess beside me, I feel as though I am ready to ride this wave to it's fullest extent.

Sending you light and love,

Thealynn

You can purchase this print from The Lovely Little Witch Etsy Shop.

©2013-2015 Thealynn

Whisperings of a Ghost

Good morning lovies,

Welcome to Part Seven of my Open Heart Series!

If you have not read the previous parts of this series I would encourage you to follow the links below so that you can get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journeys of how, why, and how to!
 
Following pieces of this series will include ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.

Previous Series Postings
OHNMR
OHNMRT
Behind Door Number Two
Why Answer the Why
When Guides Come Knocking
Grounding and Bubble Meditations

So without further ado!

This is very much an unexpected addition to my Open Heart series, but I believe it may be one of the most significant.

For those who are unaware, we are currently experiencing what we call Mercury Retrograde. This is a period of a few weeks in which Mercury appears to travel backwards on its axis. This is mostly observed by the pagan community as something to be weary of because it causes disruptions in communication, technology, seems to slow down the progress of projects and overall it can just feel like an unpleasant time.

However there are some positives that can come along with Mercury Retrograde that I discussed on my Facebook Page, so if you're curious follow the link. One thing that I will mention is that Mercury Retrograde can some times bring in people from your past wanting to reconnect.

Without spending too much time on details, suffice it to say that there is one side of the family that I have not had consistent contact with for the last 20 years. Some interaction here and there, but nothing terribly serious.

I’m guessing that between opening myself and my heart to the Universe for my highest good and Mercury being in retrograde is what helped the stars to align causing me to get a fairly abrupt message from one of my biological father’s sisters, being my aunt. She has said before how much she has wanted to get together over the last several months, but nothing has ever come of it.

After some seemingly convoluted conversations which really did turn out to be misunderstands, we had lunch last week. What started out as my aunt, uncle and myself turned into two of my other aunts from that same side joining us.

It was the first time in almost three years since I had seen any of them, and even longer since we had spent real time together. Over the course of lunch they asked me if I was interested in seeing my biological father whom I have not seen or spoken to in 20 years. Minus one painful denial of my existence at the mall when I was 15.

I thought for a moment and realized that I really have nothing to lose by doing so. That I have an amazing opportunity to help clear up some understandably made assumptions, to help provide healing and understanding, and forgiveness in the hopes that others will be able to start forgiving themselves.

I realize all too well how much I do not owe anyone anything, and I almost surprised myself at how much the thought didn’t enter my mind until way after I had made my decision.

I’ve been called to change my perspective, and to not miss the forest for the trees.

Even though my father was not around when I was growing up, even though he did some down right criminal acts, he really did the best thing for me by allowing me to be adopted by another man whom I love as my father and staying out of my life. I was able to become the person I am because he let me go. In that one simple yet heart breaking act, he put his children, including me first. And I love him for that.

As I was thinking about whether or not I wanted to share this right away or to wait, I heard a frog croaking outside. I'd been house sitting for almost a week, and this was the first time I have heard a frog, and not just during this visit, but EVER as I am a frequent visitor.

I heard it only a handful of times, but I felt instantly called to pull out the copy of Animal Speak by Ted Andrews and look up frog medicine. It almost brought tears to my eyes. I won't go into that much here as I really could write an entire blog post on frog medicine and the connection that I have to it.

This is was the confirmation from the Universe that I am going to play a crucial role in helping to heal my father’s heart. I know full well and accept that the real healing will have to come from him, and that it will have to be his choice. But I will be the doorway for him, I will be the one to help him understand and put pieces together. I will be able to answer questions that he has never had the answers to.

I realize that it might sound like a burden, or some form of family obligation. But I see it as an immense privilege, as an incredible opportunity. I don’t feel as though I am walking into a situation that I am unprepared for, or am somehow fulfilling a family duty.

I am approaching this as a daughter to her father, expressing gratitude and forgiveness that is long overdue. Even though I believed this to be a closed door, and I felt like I had as much closure as I was going to get, I feel that this is the chance I never thought I would have,

As I said before, I do have a loving father in my life, and I know that I would not be the person that I am without him. But I see something so beautiful in at least attempting to heal this relationship. Not that I believe in putting all of the blame for my 'heart troubles' but I do see the loss of my father as the first heart break of my life.

I was a small child when everything happened but I still carry memories and scars from the events leading up to, during and after the divorce. These are scars that are so old and buried so deep that most times I forget that they are there. And I would argue that they do not affect my daily life.

But in those short hours that I spent with my aunts I learned more about my father then I ever knew before. There are a few things that we share, and it's already answered some questions I didn't know that I had.

I had a friend ask me why I was doing this, and I did not want to go into the spiritual reasons behind my decision, so I thought about it for quite some time. And it only occurred to me as I was writing this how much I owe this to myself. I've denied myself this chance in the past, but I knew then and I reaffirm now that I wasn't ready before, but I know that I am now.

I can't say that I expect us to be a happy family again, I can't say that I expect anything really. I think if I were to do so it would ruin the integrity of the event. I might not be that little girl in sundresses any more, but I am still his child, and that is how I am going into our phone call this afternoon.

Even if this ends up not going anywhere, if one of both of us decide that it's not working, at least we can say that we tried, which is more then I've ever had before.

As I wait hour the hours I am not focusing so much on what we will talk about, I only set the intention that it will be what we both need.

Sending you light and love,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn

Why Answer The Why

Hello lovies,

Welcome to Part Four of my Open Heart Series!

If you have not read the previous parts of this series I would encourage you to follow the links below so that you can get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journey of how, why, and how to!

We are nearing the end of this series and I have to tell you, this has been one wild ride. I want to give a huge thank you to my soul sister Trisha, I never would have walked down this path without your suggestion and guidance. I am so excited for our ritual February 3rd, not only to share my experiences here but to share them with you as the grand finale to this amazing first series on Through the Open Door.

Do not forget that if you would like to join us on the full moon, follow the link February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.

Previous Series Postings
OHNMR
OHNMRT
Behind Door Number Two

So without further ado!

Tomorrow I am going to share a personal experience of mine, that in all honesty I never expected to share with a wide audience. Prior to publishing the post, I have only shared with two people. So why share it here? Well, there are a couple of reasons. But first I wanted to clarify a couple of things.

I decided to make this it's own post simply because the other post is so long. I did my best to keep to the high lights, but I also wanted to convey as much as I could about the experience. I wanted both the mediation piece and my reason for sharing to be able to stand on their own.

So much of the time we see actions that don't have a lot of reasoning behind them, when in fact the reasoning is just as important as the action itself, in some instances even more so. If that vital piece of information is missing we're left with these seemingly pointless actions and then we have to deal with the repercussions of those actions, good or bad.

I sincerely believe that if we are more open about sharing our reasons, it not only encourages honesty with others and others with us, but it also helps to promote tolerance by removing the opportunity to make rash judgements. If someone needs further clarification, chances are they will ask for it. If someone is going to pass judgement regardless, then that is on them.

All of that being said, some times reasons are not needed. In circumstances that are private and personal, then the decision falls to the individual of how much they want to share. In this space, when you are here with me, I will do my best to be as open and vulnerable with you as if you were here sitting right next to me.

This sanctuary is not just for me to share my experiences and my thoughts, my hopes and fears. This is also a place for you. A place to learn and grow, and perhaps even share a little bit of yourself if you feel so inclined.

With all of that being said, I will get to those reason I mentioned before. After all, that is what this post is for.

Reason one-I sincerely feel that there are universal themes in what I am going to share with you. Admittedly being a child of the 90s Disney universe, I think that we (and I primarily am referring to girls, but guys are not exempt) grew up with a very different perspective, and certain ideas when it came to love.

Despite the fact that I am a child of not just one set of divorced parents, but two, I still harbored these specific ideas about true love. That regardless of the worlds troubles, and even my own, that my true love was out there some where, and that eventually he would find me.

That's not to say that I still don't believe that somewhere deep down, but being an adult with some seriously not so pleasant life experiences, I know that life and love are not made up of fairy tales. That being said, I am still a very romantic person, that is just part of who I am. I won't say that Disney didn't affect that to some degree, but I think there had to be some inclination already a part of my personality and that's why I resonated with the love stories so strongly.

Even with all of the hardships and trials that just come along with being alive, I still believe that there is a happy ending out there waiting for me to live it.

Reason two-In the meditation that I am going to be sharing, there is a lot of interaction with my guides. I sincerely believe with all of my being in the value of our guides. I know that I have been able to grow and proceed through life in the way that I have because of them.

And I do want to clarify that not all of our guides are of a spiritual nature, if you will. We have guides here on the physical plane with us too. They might be parents, teachers, friends, confidants, pets. Guides are only restricted by the limits we put on them. If you have not already I would encourage you to read the story of how I met one of my guides here in the material world, My Guardian Angel.

Reason three-I think it's important to show people that your guides connect with you on your level. If you think you're connecting but you have doubts like, "Oh, I'm talking with so and so, they wouldn't say that/talk like that/look like that." Your guides are there to connect with YOU, they are going to do so in the best way to give you the messages you need.

This is what I was referring to about setting limits. I understand how awkward and even difficult it can be to not let that affect things, but try to remember that they are doing everything they can to meet you on YOUR level, maybe try giving back a little and try to meet them at their level or even half way. Once you start to do so, it will get easier and you will be so thankful that you did.

In my next post I will be sharing some of the techniques that I have used to successfully connect with my guides as well as a few different meditations that I have been doing to help release the fear in my heart.

I want to thank you so much for joining me on this journey so far, your continued presence is very much appreciated.

Light and love to you and yours dears,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn

Behind Door Number Two

Hey there lovies,

Welcome to Part Three of my Open Heart Series!

If you have not read Part One or Part Two you can click the links and get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journey of how, why, and how to!

Part Three is much more of a journal piece versus a spiritual one, but just like my Behind Door Number One, and A Little Bit Stronger posts, I feel that it is essential to the journey ahead. It will give you a little more background on me, and how I got to where I am. As we can all attest to, every journey begins with a single step, and this is my first step on a journey to heal and open my heart. 

Even though this is part three in the series, this was the first post that I wrote. I had intended it to be the first post, but with the new moon so close I wanted to make sure that that the ritual and tool information was available to you as soon as possible. 

Following pieces of this series will include a retelling of a of a personal meditative experience, some meditations that I find helpful, ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.

So without further ado!

I will readily admit that when I decided to follow through with the Open Heart Series I wasn't entirely sure what I was getting myself into. 

Since joining a couple of groups and working with like minded people I've been instilled with the courage to get out of my own head space and just follow what feels right, and it's been an amazing experience, however it's also been a huge influx of energy.

In all honesty it's been a bit overwhelming. Not in a negative sense by any means, but very draining. As I'm learning to balance school and all of the work I am doing personally, with my group and for this blog I am learning more and more the importance of working with my stones and meditating to center and ground myself. 

If you've been with me for a whole then you know that I have been working on releasing fear from my life, and it's been going well so far. Until I realized how close I was getting to dealing with the number one emotional obstacle I've ever faced. 

My fear of relationship getting into another relationship.

Typing that last sentence was easily one of the most difficult things I have done in this short year. But I knew that it was the first step, the second being that I would then need to figure out the big, "Why?"

In all honesty it's incredibly difficult for me to write about. Looking back to when I went to write about my anxiety it was something that I just needed to channel out of me. To get it right in front to me, to see it for what it really is. Somehow that has been easier than this. 

The truth of the matter is that this is absolutely terrifying. As important as I know that it is to face and deal with all of this, it's caused some serious anxiety for me. Which unfortunately has been piled on top of other worries, so the last few days have been very hard. 

Everything began piling up and before I knew it I felt like I was exactly where I started. I hate feeling so out of control, and the feelings of helplessness. It just feels as though everything that I have done hasn't been good enough, because look; I'm still here dealing with it. I haven't fixed it yet, why haven't I fixed it?

It wasn't until this most recent episode that I realized why I'm afraid to be in another relationship. I finally understood the reason why I am so scared for my life partner to actually find me.

I'm afraid of me. 

I am scared and worried that even after all of the work that I have been putting in to making myself, being happy with who I am, and self-sufficient, that it won't be enough. That I won't be able to keep up my progress, that I won't be ready when he gets here. 

I am terrified that no matter how hard I've tried to move on and let go of the past, that history will end up repeating itself, and that I'll have to start all over again. 

When I ended my engagement almost three years ago, it almost destroyed me on every single level. It wasn't so much that the relationship was over because in reality, it had been over for a long time, I just didn't know it. 

The way that it happened, the way that I was told, and learning how I had been living a lie for the previous three years, it was just too much. The events that followed were just as traumatic; seeing him move on so quickly with someone else, erasing every piece of evidence that we were ever together was just as heartbreaking. 

When I began spending time with my now ex-boyfriend, I felt compelled to tell him how much I felt I wasn't ready for a relationship, how broken I felt and how I just didn't think I could be with someone again so soon.

He was understanding and compassionate, and let me call the shots. After a week of spending almost every day together, I knew I had to make a decision. I knew that I wouldn't be staying in the area, I was leaving in a matter of months, did I really want to start something?

I followed my feelings, and I am grateful everyday that I did. We were together for thirteen months, more then half were spent long distance. In that short amount of time he took care of me in a way I had never been taken care of before, he showed me what it was like to be cherished and appreciated. Something I had never experienced in an almost ten year relationship.

I still cared for him immensely when we decided to call it quits. I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do, that the situation wasn't fair to either of us, and at the time he was giving more to the relationship then I was. I knew I had to let him go. Even with all of that knowledge it took me over a year to fully let go. 

I am now worlds and even lifetimes away from those days, but when I really stop to think, it hits me how it hasn't been that long. Even though I have made tremendous progress with my life and within myself, I've been able to do all of those things because I made the decision to focus on me.

I've been adamantly against being in a relationship because it occurred to me that I had never really been single in my adult life. The five months between ending one relationship and getting into another doesn't provide a lot of personal discovery time.

When things ended this last time, I was determined to not jump into anything right away. A little over a year later, I still don't necessarily feel ready to get back out there. I know that I still have work to do, and that there are things I want to be better sorted before a relationship comes knocking.

So instead of worrying about it so much, and feeding the anxiety, I am going to trust that the Universe knows what is for my highest good, and continue focusing on what I can change. 

It something that it is much easier said then done, but I really believe that it is something that I can do. I certainly do not expect things to change overnight, just like I don't expect this to be an easy journey. One thing I do expect is that the rewards will be infinitely worth the effort. 

Sending you light and love,

Thealynn


As an additional note, I wanted to take a moment to recognize my friend J who was patient and helpful when I was struggling to write this piece. Our conversations were exactly what I needed, your encouragement especially. You have my deepest thanks.

©2013-2015 Thealynn

Open Heart New Moon Ritual

Hey there lovies,

Welcome to Part One of my Open Heart Mini-Series!

If you're not quiet sure what I'm talking about, I mentioned this briefly in my Plans for the Bloggity, so if you're curious pop on over there and read if you have not already. 

Following pieces of this mini series will include a picture guide to my ritual tools for the new moon ritual, a retelling of a personal meditative experience, some meditations that I find helpful and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.

I should also disclose that as there are a couple of weeks to go before the full moon ritual, there may be a post or two in there that might not be a part of the series. There is more time between the next full moon than I have topics to write about, at least when it comes to love and romance.

So without further ado!

I would first like to say that I usually do not plan my rituals out prior to them taking place. Planning ahead of time is not something I have a lot of practice in since I have just recently begun trying to keep track of moon phases, and holidays, etc.

I put some thought into this ritual and wanted it to be simple, nothing overly elaborate, but at the end of the day it really is up to you. Even though I am using specific wording and specific items, when you are doing a ritual it is much more powerful to use your own words. If you're just getting started and need a little guidance, that's what my specifics are there for. But do not feel like you have to use something I said or suggested if it doesn't feel right, the ritual is for you!

When I began to think about how I wanted this ritual to go, and the focus of this ritual, I began to think of what exactly I am trying to manifest. The tricky thing about doing so is to have a very clear idea of what it is you're trying to achieve.

For me, I am working on opening my heart to extend and receive love in preparation of meeting my partner for this life. 

I've known for some time of what I am looking for in a companion, but it occurred to me that knowing specifics about a person doesn't necessarily translate to what I want out of the relationship.

I think there is a misconception that if you know the details of what kind of partner you want, that it will automatically mean that the relationship will be a long lasting, healthy, mutually beneficial, respectful, loving relationship.

There is this mentality of, 'Oh, if only I could find x, y, and z in a person; then I'd be set.' Which as nice as that sounds, isn't always the case, or even realistic. 

With that in mind, we are going to jump right in. Since I have a little more time I'll be going into a bit more detail with step by step guide lines that you can follow as they are, mix them up, add your own stuff-this is really to help you get started.

Everything that I am listing is completely optional, these are the tools I usually work with.

Candles
Incense
Paper
Writing Utensil 
Clearing Agent (besome, bell, smudge stick)
Lighter/Matches
Glass of Water
Salt

You'll want to have everything that you need before you begin. One really important aspect of doing ritual is that you a creating what is called sacred space. You are taking dedicated time to commune with your guides, you are connecting with the Universe, and your higher self.

I like to gather my things in the space I will be using, and take a few deep breaths. I usually like to clear myself first with whichever tool I decided to use. Since it is a new moon, I will be using my bell versus my sage.

Since the New Moon is time for planting seeds and new beginnings, I opt not to use sage. I associate sage with clearing all things away, negativity is the main focus, but I don't like the idea of the blessings being carried out by the smoke along with the negativity. Go with whatever your gut tells you.

As you are clearing yourself and the space you will be working in, be mindful of your breathing. Visualize the space around you being surrounded by a white shimmering veil, and once you have gone around it steals to create your sacred space.

It is so important that you cleanse your self and your work space before you do a ritual. When you create sacred space you are sending out your intentions to the Universe to manifest, regardless of what you are trying to achieve. If there is any negativity or ill feelings while you work, that will be sent out with whatever else you are working towards, and things might not go as planned.

If you're having trouble focusing before a ritual and you can't shake the not so happy juju, try mediating and clearing you mind of all things except for a white light, or whatever color you associate with calmness. Let your mind start in the dark and let that light grow brighter and brighter until you are completely encompassed and you feel that light washing away what's holding you down. Let it fill you up until you can feel it tingling in your toes and fingers and then slowly let it go. Let the calm say with you as the light dims. I find it helpful to let the light form into a little shining ball that you can pull out whenever you might need it.

Some times that's not always as helpful as we would like, so try taking a shower and letting yourself relax and unwind. A ritual bath with Epsom salt is another great way to not only clear yourself but to relax any time!

Moving right along! 

When I am clearing I have a little mantra I like to say, and again you can write your own, you can use what I say, you can go and find something on the internet-just make sure that it resonates with you. You are creating this space with your power, you want to make sure it sticks!

I usually start with the north corner and work my way around in a clockwise direction until I am back at north. (Again, this is all about your preference and what makes you comfortable.)

As I cleanse I repeat my mantra three times:

I cleanse myself of all negativity
I cleanse myself of all negativity
I cleanse myself of all negativity

I banish all negativity from this space
I banish all negativity from this space
I banish all negativity from this space

Once my circle is raised, I call the corners. I like to start with North and follow in a clockwise fashion. I also like to call my animal guides as I call the corners. I do this because I have a very strong tie to my totems, and they have all come to me in the form of an element. Most of the time they are the same guides, some times I have a special guide with me during the time of the ritual, so I let my intuition guide me.

If you have an totem that you wish to call to assist you in your goals, don't be shy, they are there to help! Invite them to join you after the corners have been called if that's what feels right to you. 

I call to the corners of the North. Element of Earth, our Mother. I ask for your presence  as I do work this night. Might I succeed in perfect love and perfect trust with the assistance of my guide of the North, Wolf. 

I always get a feeling within myself as a response, once I have received it I say,

I feel your presence Great North, and that of my guide, I thank you.

I call to the corners of the East. Element of Air, our Father. I ask for your presence  as I do work this night. Might I succeed in perfect love and perfect trust with the assistance of my guide of the East, Dragon.

I feel your presence Independent East and that of my guide, I thank you.

I call to the corners of the South. Element of Fire, ignighter of Passion and Creativity. I ask for your presence  as I do work this night. Might I succeed in perfect love and perfect trust with the assistance of my guide of the South, Horse. 

I feel your presence Spirited South and that of my guide, I thank you.

I call to the corners of the West. Element of Water, sustainer of all Life. I ask for your presence as I do work this night. Might I succeed in perfect love and perfect trust with the assistance of my guide of the West, Orca.

I feel your presence Mysterious West, and that of my guide, I thank you.

In the presence of my guides and of the Elements, I humbly invite the Lord and Lady into my circle. God and Goddess, may you watch over me and guide me in my work inside and outside of this circle. I come to you this night as I work towards my highest good, in perfect love and perfect trust, I welcome you to join me in circle tonight.

I feel your presence My Lord. I feel your presence My Lady. I thank you.

Once that is done I will usually take another deep breath and invite any other guides that might be near that wish to lend me their strength, and I thank them as well. 

At this point I usually light my incense and a candle. I state my intention for the ceremony. Because my focus is opening my heart, I'll probably say something along the lines of,

As I continue to release fear from my life, and heal my heart space, I wish to open my heart to the love of the world. I wish to extend love to those who are in need, as well as to receive love in return. My desire is to not only live free of fear but to live with true inner peace, knowing that this will ultimately serve my highest good. Let me not shy away from affection and appreciation, help me to accept them with an open and thankful heart. 

While I do ultimately wish to be connected with my twin flame, I wish to be prepared. I desire nothing more than to be what he needs as a friend, companion and partner, just as he will be for me. May I be shown the way towards this path and not be faint of heart with the work to be done. 

I ask this from a place of deep humility and respect for divine timing. Let this take place only to fulfill my highest good as I hope to use all of this life's experiences to help heal the world. May I find and maintain the strength in surrender as I send this intention to the four corners of the earth, to the ends of the Universe and beyond. 

I would then verbally tie off my intention, most commonly seen is the, 'So mote it be.'
I've used to in the past, but I've switched mine up a bit. 

Now is the time that I would pull out that paper and writing implement and begin to write. You can write what you ideal relationship would entail, characteristics of your next partner, all of the things that you want to express with your healed heart, it's up to you!

Once I am done writing, I will fold up the papers and put them somewhere safe, but where I will not be seeing them everyday. One thing I learned recently, and it has been a hard lesson, is that when you are working with your intentions the best way for them to manifest is to set them and forget them.

By sending them out to the Universe you are saying, "This is what I would like to happen, and I am trusting you with the timing." That's not to say that you stop working towards your goals, they won't get accomplished by themselves. It just means that you don't stress about them, you don't obsess over them. You do your part and the Universe will do the same.

If you have specific tools that you will be working with to help you on your journey, this is the perfect time to dedicate them. I like anointing my tools, so if you have an essential oil, or you could even use your incense depending on what you're burning.

Example: "I dedicate [insert tool here] to the God and Goddess as I work towards [insert goal here.] May it assist me in reaching my highest good, in perfect love and perfect trust."

It can be as simple as that. By dedicating tools, they become physical reminders of the work that you are doing. They are infused with the power of the ritual, of the divine, of your guides, and the elements. For example if you're working on self love you might choose a piece of Rose Quartz, if you're having a tough day, hold that stone in you hand, or to your heart and feel the love and dedication that is charged within that stone. It might end up helping more then you think.

Last thing I would like to mention is that I like to have a little offering to the Lord and Lady. I like to use regular water and salt. Mind you this can be a small glass of water and a teaspoon of table salt, it can be whatever you have on hand. At the end of the ritual before I release the circle and my guides, I hold each item in my hands and say something like,

In my hand I hold the element of the Lord/Lady. May you accept this offering as a token of my gratitude for your guidance and your presence here tonight.

Once I have done so with both offerings, I take a little bit of salt and sprinkle it into the water. 

As you love and respect each other, I love and respect you. As the two of you are one, am I one with you. As you have graced me with your presence in helping me toward my highest good, so I will go out to the world and help others towards theirs. I thank you for your presence this night. Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again.

Once I feel their presence leave the circle I release my guides and the elements, once again starting from the North, releasing each one in turn.

Once everyone and thing has been released, it is time to release the circle. To do that, you'll want to go counterclockwise, or just the opposite way that you went when you were raising the circle. 

As I release my circle, I usually have a little bit I like to add on to the end,

As I release this circle, may my intentions be released to fulfill the greatest good of all, with harm to none, in free will, so mote it be.

I realize that this post is LONG as all get out, but I felt that it was important to share. I know when I first started doing ritual, I took a little bit from here and there, but it was hard for me to get started without any real direction. Making ritual your own is important but it's nice to have a frame of reference to work with.

If you made it all the way through this post, HOORAY!!! I hope this has been helpful! I will also be making a second post with pictures of what specifically I will be using, so that will be coming to you as well!

Be sure to stay tuned for that as well as the new Weekly Oracle Card coming on Sunday!

Sending light and love to you and yours,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn

My Tarot Card for 2015

Greetings lovies,

Oh…my…

I feel as though I could jump out of my skin right now! I am in awe, I am shocked, I feel empowered, and I truly feel that the Universe is guiding me by the hand to all of these wonderful and amazing things. I am going to try and stay coherent as I explain to you what in the world I am talking about-I just feel so much energy right now!

In one of the groups I am a part of we have been discussing numerology, and how you find your life number. Which will have its own post, I want to focus on this particular aspect for right now.

During a discussion there was talk of using numerology to find the tarot card that you are to work with for the year, which I found incredibly intriguing. With how much I love tarot and how much I incorporate it into my practice I had to look into this!

The way that you go about finding your tarot card for the year is you take your birth month and day, and add it with 2015. So mine looks like this:

1+2+3+1+2+0+1+5 

Which comes out to 15, so that is my major arcana card for 2015!

In most tarot decks, the major arcana go to 24, if your number goes higher than that, say you got 26, you would add 2 and 6 to get 8.

As I was going through my deck I was a little nervous, a little excited and extremely curious to see what the card would be! On Samhain I dedicated myself to work with a new tarot deck for a full year which is the Shapeshifter Tarot by D.J. Conway and Sirona Knight, illustrated by Lisa Hunt. It is the same deck I am using for the Monthly Tarot Card page, so if you haven’t checked that out yet, please do.

Getting back to my card! I went through about three fourths of the deck before I found it, but when I did my mouth dropped open.

My card for 2015: Choice 

Traditional card: The Devil

Keywords: Resonance, flexibility, decision making

I am telling you, I almost flipped! The name of the card for one, spoke VOLUMES to me! I have been making conscious choices to better myself and my life; by letting go of fear and hate, by forgiving others as well as myself, and I've chosen to work on being more open to the Universe and my guides and accepting any and all help that is available to me. I swear, if I wasn't so stunned, I probably would have cried. Everything from the description of the card, to the message touched my heart.

Depicted in the card we see a satyr-woman who represents sexuality and action, usually embodied by their male counter parts, they are spirits who roam the forests and the mountains. Her companion, the winged centaur-man represents the dreaming man. The two are connected in sacred union by the golden circles of divine light around their ankles.  In one hand the centaur-man holds a torch representing passion and creative vision, his lady in the other. They travel together through a labyrinth fully aware of the golden thread that connects all spiritual dimensions.

I will be quoting directly from the book as I cannot fathom putting together better words to describe this card.

“Choice indicated a time to follow your inner voice and not let things throw you off balance. A card of motion, attraction, flexibility, and adaptability, the choice is yours, each and every moment of your life. This may be a good time to face any problems in life, remembering not to take yourself too seriously. Decisions need to be made using the four keys: wisdom, self-honesty, self-responsibility, and love. Hidden hopes and fears arise as you discard beliefs that have kept you chained to outworn or negative patterns. Learn to balance the magnetism and dynamism in your nature as the Choice card may indicate sacred sexuality as a form of play and creative expression. You may find yourself chained to a relationship or career, suddenly breaking free as you discover personal freedom within.”

There are so many things that I am taking away from this, and I do genuinely feel as though it will serve me throughout the year.

With the depiction of the card I feel as though I need to embody the fiery side of myself that I don’t let come out too often, and not be so passive and day dreamy. If I am to meet someone this year and develop a relationship with him, he will be more of the dreamer between us, allowing me to shine and maintain control. 

The four keys mentioned in the description are going to be words I revisit a lot throughout the year; I may even make some pictures with those words and hang them around my apartment.

Breaking free of a relationship is something that I really feel strongly about. There are a couple of people that I have considered either letting go of, or simply changing the nature of our relationship to make sure that the relationship we maintain is healthy and best for both parties, so this is a definite sign to make those changes.

It also reinforces the decision to not live in fear, to face the obstacles I have before me and to CHOOSE to be BRAVE with my life.

If you are interested in learning what you’re tarot card is for 2015 I will happily assist, just provide your month and day of birth and a way to contact you and I will get that to you. You can comment below or you can send me an email.

As always dears, I wish you and yours many bright blessings,

In light and love,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn