As We Grow

Hey there loves,

Over this last year I have talked a lot about the struggles I have faced, my doubts and my insecurities and how helpless everything has felt at times. I have shared some of my darkest moments with strangers whom I might never meet, I have been vulnerable through an empty screen not because it's easier to do than to be with so with people, but because this blog really has turned into a giant mirror for me. 

Writing has provided this incredible opportunity to take a long hard look and to face the emotions and thoughts that might not have a voice otherwise. I'll be the first to admit that for a long time I struggled with what I should be writing about because I just had trouble finding the words. 

I would start off well enough and then something would happen, ranging from up setting to traumatic, and simply taking the time to process it through before coming back always felt necessary. Looking back through my postings it seems that there are far fewer instances where I have shared something on the lighter side of my life because in truth, writing has always been a tool in which to process my experiences and I think it's fair to say that our more difficult experiences are those that require that time and that energy to get through them. 

Because when we experience something positive, we live it with ease, perhaps even excitement. I think others would agree that when we have a positive experience that it flows through us, we don't always stop to think how it's going to affect us moving forward; unlike when we experience something painful.

This past week I had my last session with the individual I had been seeing not only for my mental health, but for my spiritual health as well. For the better part of a year I had been seeing this healer speaking to them on topics ranging all over my life, and by the end of our session it was apparent to both of us that I was in possibly the best shape I have ever been in. 

They recalled our first session and how emotional it was for the both of us. I remember sitting in that chair across from them just as I was then, and feeling so safe despite having not developed a relationship with them at that point. I remembered crying so openly and feeling the love and support and an unspeakable trust that this was the person that was going to help me find myself again. 

I was filled with this strange combination of feeling that I was ready to essentially go on without them, and yet not wanting to be finished. I had been able to make so much progress with their support and guidance that I was almost hesitant to trust that inner knowing that told me I was ready. 

It took some time to sink in that I was in fact ready to take that next step forward. I had spent so much of this last year working towards very specific goals and now that those goals have been reached, there was an opportunity for the question, 'now what?'

But there wasn't. Instead I was able to embrace the gratitude I felt in my heart for this amazing person who showed me how best to help myself, and how to truly listen when Spirit spoke to me. My last session with them was the first in over a month due to a much needed sabbatical they were called to. During that time I was given the chance to take everything that they had taught me and really run with it, and it led me to finding new avenues to pursue. It also provided me with an opportunity to really show myself how ready I am for this next step.

Normally about this time is when fear and anxiety would kick in, and I would begin to think how much of a mistake it was to agree to end the sessions. Or I would be worried and confused about what exactly 'the next step' is supposed to be. 

Rather than that being the case, I feel at peace, I feel ready and excited to take that next step even though I know that it's going to be a short while before I begin the next leg of my journey. In an attempt not be to impatient, I'm allowing myself the time to process how much I've accomplished, and give myself a chance to take a deep breath and rest peacefully in my triumphs. 

For the first time in what seems like so long, I feel a sense of genuine peace, not because I think I'm healed and can put the past behind me. But because I trust the tools I have been given and because I trust that I know how to use them. I know my path and I trust that I am being guided to those who will help me along the way. 

It's a remarkable feeling, I hope that this feeling will only grow stronger, just as I grow stronger.

image from Poem Porn

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Moonlight at the End of the Tunnel

Hey there loves,

How is the Full Moon in Leo treating you all? Are you feeling the affects of the eclipse? Were you able to see the comet from your part of the world?

Image from http://siriusastro.pl/

I don't know how the rest of you feel, but this year in particular the month of February feels rather...precarious. Perhaps because at least in my world, so many things have been shifting and moving around. Two major things have been settled within the first half of this month for me; the first being the move which you can read about in my Post Move Update, and the other which is still sinking in.

Before I jump in, I wanted to touch on something that I have noticed in my life, perhaps you have noticed in yours as well. Perhaps you're familiar with the saying, things happen in threes, I've even written a blog post with that exact title.

Over the last nine months I have written several times about my experience with sexual assault, my frustrations, my fears, the hope that I dared to carry as it was something I simply needed to hold onto.

The day before I was set to move, I was in my now old bedroom, finishing up the last of my packing when my phone began to ring. Looking at the caller ID, I knew it had to be one of two people, so I answered it. It was my attorney calling to get my input on what I would be satisfied with as far as a plea deal was concerned and confirming whether or not I had received my subpoena for the following week as we were set to go to trial.

Even now I am grateful that I was sitting down as this was the first I had heard since October. I had been told during that time that I could expect to hear sometime between January and February, but I certainly did not expect it to be right before my move. Rather than go over too many specifics over the phone, we set a meeting to discuss a potential plea deal and to prep for trial in the event that the deal was denied.

It was a long weekend as we waited to hear if the deal would be accepted, and while I wanted to much to be aligned with what would serve my highest good, I prayed to any and all that would listen, to grant me the grace of not going to trial. The thought of reliving the events of that night in excruciating detail would be difficult enough, but to do so in court in front of strangers and further more, causing my partner to relive the pain again made my stomach feel as though it were trying to reach the center of the Earth.

I got the call that Monday morning, the deal had been accepted. I was then asked if I wanted to attend the sentence hearing, and after giving it some thought, I decided to go. I had no desire to see my attacker again, but I knew that hearing and seeing him sentenced would provide a level of closure that I didn't think would be possible.

Sitting in the courtroom I was filled with nerves as we waited for him to be brought in, even remembering it down I can feel the nausea, the lightheaded tingling, my breath laboring as I still couldn't quite believe that I had finally made it to this moment.

Hearing him answer the judge's questions, his voice was strong and resolved, it was hard to tell what he was thinking. I knew he was still in denial about the damage that he had caused, but that didn't matter at this point.

Prior to the proceedings I was told that if I so wished, that I would be given the chance to make a statement, I couldn't begin to think of what I could possibly say that would be constructive, that would be meaningful. Truth be told, there was absolutely nothing that I wanted to say that I also felt needed to be said.

I was being granted justice, the one thing I've wanted more than anything else these last nine months. Sure, I suppose I could have said that while he has forever changed my life, that his will forever be ruined. That just because I agreed to a 'lesser charge' of Sexual Assault II versus Rape I that it doesn't change the meaning of what happened to me that night.  That regardless of what his record says or what he chooses to call himself, he is a rapist, and that will never change. Just as I will never not be a rape survivor ever again.

All of those sentiments would have fallen on deaf ears, and the truth is that I didn't want to him to have anything else from me as he had already taken so much.

It's difficult not to become emotional as I think of it all, as I look back at how much pain has been endured, not just by me, but also from the friends and family that watched and supported me as I struggled through to find the person that I was before all of this happened.

During last night's ritual, our ritual host and leader Athena, touched on the story of Isis and Osiris, how when Osiris was murdered by his brother, Isis traveled around the globe searching for the pieces of his being to put him back together, and how the act of re-membering him was the greatest act of love.

Last night we worked with deities from the Hindu tradition that I hadn't known about prior, Rati and Kamadeva; Goddess of Passion and God of Lust. She spoke of how they have a similar story, in that when Kamadeva was murdered, she traveled all around to collect his ashes so that she could re-member him.

Going into the meditative state, I knew could already feel how important being vulnerable and open to healing would be, I could also feel how the urge to resist was lying in wait, like an automatic reflex ready to pull me back.

During the meditation we were lead to a beautiful white marble temple and asked to lay on a bed/mattress in the middle of the room, with Rati and Kamadeva joining us on either side. Sensing my hesitation and my uneasiness, they created an energetic egg around us, and held me the way two parents would hold their frightened child.

I told them how much I knew I needed the healing, how I could almost see the pain slowly becoming a safety blanket and how I knew it wasn't what I wanted, but at the same time, it just happened all the same. They shared with me how the best way to dissolve such things lies in forgiveness. How forgiving the source of the pain is the best way to release it, and how they could see that I held that knowledge within me already. They asked me to please forgive my rapist, how it would be the last step in this process, and then it would simply be living a conscious life, something I was already doing.

I looked inside myself, despite knowing the answer. I saw the girl I was nine months ago, desperately holding into a ball of energy that was so many things all at once; denial, anger, unbelievable pain, sorrow, self-loathing, guilt.

I told them how I just didn't know how to forgive him right now, that I knew I should and that I wanted to want to, but that I couldn't bring myself to truly want to forgive him yet.

They each took on of my hands and showed me other men in my life who had caused me unspeakable pain:

My biological father; his abandonment, his drug and alcohol abuse, his literal denial of my identity. Yet I had forgiven him, and that through his actions I was introduced to a father who loves me unconditionally despite some difficult times.

My ex-fiance; his complete and utter mistreatment of me throughout the course of our relationship, his betrayal when he cheated on me with someone I considered to be a best friend, his swift resolve to move on and marry someone new less then two years after our engagement ended. Yet, I had forgiven him. Rather then considering our years together as wasted time, it provided me a clear picture of what I wanted from a relationship, from a partner.

Then there was my rapist. Yes, he was by far the worst in that he violated my being in every way that a person can be violated. And yet, from all of this I have gained so much, I have learned so much, and I will live a life far more fulfilling then I would have previously thought possible. I made it through the most difficult, painful, and trying event of my life, and here I was. And here I am.

We were beginning to be called back, I embraced each in turn and thanked them from the bottom of my heart for their love, their guidance and their healing. My journey to justice is complete, resolved. I sent my rapist to jail. I am in a beautiful new home with a man that I love and adore, two animals who make me laugh every day, and I am able to wake up every morning and be grateful for all of the miracles and blessings that have been gifted to me.

I realize and fully accept that forgiveness is something that I will come to in my own time and is something that I know will serve me, but I also know that some times when we resolve to forgive people who have hurt us, it can feel like we are 'giving them a pass' for what happened to us. It can feel like we are sweeping it under the rug, it can feel like we are saying that those events didn't happen, that what we endured doesn't matter.

What forgiveness really means, is that in spite of the pain and struggle, that we are more important then the person who hurt us. That our happiness, our love for ourselves, and our desire to move on is more important then staying in those spaces where it hurts. That's not to say that we are always ready to immediately move on from the hurt, because nothing heals over night. I'm not ready to fully move on from the pain and suffering that I feel. Some days I feel it more then others, and when I have those days, it's just as important to acknowledge and honor the pain for what it is.

For me personally, forgiveness means that I am not willing to live in the past. It means that I care more about my future then I do about what happened to me trying to get to where I want to go. By forgiving those who have hurt me, it means that I am choosing to become stronger rather then let those experiences weaken me.

Having these views and these beliefs doesn't always make things easier, in fact, most of the time it makes things more difficult, but it makes every experience infinitely worth more.

Whatever you might being going through, however you might be struggling, please know that you are never alone. As impossible as it may feel, you are strong enough to get through the struggles that you're facing.

The resources that I am sharing below, I have shared once before, but if this is your first time with me, I want to be sure that you see these. Use them yourself, share them with your friends and family, or perhaps you don't know who they will help, you never know who will benefit from them. I know that they have certainly helped me.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-TALK
Here is the link to the private chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx


National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 or 1-800-656-HOPE
Here is the link to the private chat: https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp


https://www.rainn.org/
RAINN is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. They are bursting with information, and one of the main resources I used, including their confidential chat which I utilized while I decided on a therapist.

https://www.notalone.gov/resources/
Not Alone was also incredibly helpful because it provided me with a list of crisis centers as well as a hot line that is confidential and 24/7

http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_national_type.php?type_id=1056
WomensLaw is a great site for information about different organizations, statics, and additional resources to get you the help that you need.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Lifeline is always a resource to be aware of regardless of what crisis you might be facing, there is someone who is willing to be there for you.

Love and Healing to you now and always dear ones,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Destruction Before Creation/A Star is Born

Hello loves,

On this particular evening I am sitting in the comfort of my home, hunkered down as a winter storm begins with the knowledge that I will be more or less 'stuck' for the next couple of days. Winter storms are not necessarily unusual for this time of year, however, the fact that this will be the third time within the last three weeks that we will have snow fall, is quite unusual for this area.

I intend to take the time away from work and traditional responsibilities to enjoy the quiet, and to simply with with myself as much as I can. As I mentioned in my previous post, I tend to shut down and go inward during this time, and this provides the perfect atmosphere to do so. In addition, it has provided me with some time to consider how I wanted to approach this topic, my tarot card for 2017.

(I feel like I should warn you, this is going to be a long one.)

Last year my card was The Tower, which inspired the title for this posting, as that was the phrase or mantra that I adopted for the year. As working with a tarot card for an entire year is a relatively new practice for me, the first year I did so, I wasn't entirely sure how to go about 'working with' said card. More often then not, I couldn't find what I considered to be legitimate connections between the message of the card and my every day life, last year was much different.

At the beginning of the year, I broke off an unhealthy relationship, which was a first for me. It took a meditation with a goddess to give me the push I needed. But once that fire was lit within me, I began to see more clearly the areas of my life where I had put other's first, where I really should have been more considerate of myself.

I realized how even though ending the relationship would be uncomfortable and even painful to a certain degree, I understood deep into my bones how continuing would only cause more damage, not just to myself but to my partner at the time.

That bridge had to be destroyed in order to make room for my current relationship; healthy, proactive, compassionate, genuine and challenging to be the best partner I can be.

I switched gears and entered into a profession that I believed I would be successful in, only to find out that I did not have an affinity for it at all. To top it off, I had been recently hired when I was attacked and due to the nature of the job, I was forced to quit, without the option to return to the position I had been in prior to leaving.

It took a couple of months, but because I decided to take a chance of myself, I was able to enter into a brand new field (to me at least) and I ended up with better hours, and a higher pay rate that my previous two employers.

In the beginning of my healing process, I followed my instinct to receive professional help that also integrated my spiritual path. Finding the right person to work with took some time, but the work that I knew we would be able to accomplish together was worth the wait.

In the time it took to get in touch with my mentor, teacher, and healer, I also learned how much inner strength I truly possess. As much support that I had, there was so much that I had to do on my own, work that only I could do for myself, and in doing so, I readied myself for the work I would do later on.

There were times last year where I forgot who I was, where I felt utterly destroyed and broken: because I was. The person I had known before was gone; I remembered being her, I remembered her easy laugh and her seemingly endless compassion and understanding, I remembered how much she wanted to be a rock for the people around her. But I had lost her, she was like the shadow of a dream that could be so scarcely felt, and the feeling of that previous me, was shattered, was hollow, was just, not there anymore.

Even now it's difficult to look back and remember those months where Purgatory had come to Earth and I seemed to be its sole occupant. Flip the coin over however, and it's encouraging to know how much progress I have made in taking back my life, to know how much will power, resolve, determination, and drive I possess, all of which no one can give or take away, that are truly part of who I am as a person, regardless of what happens in my life.

In addition to the Tower being my tarot card for 2016, numerologically, it was also a 9 year. A year for tying up loose ends, a year for endings, for completion, a year to let go of so much...

I wrote numerous times last year about how long it the year seemed, how weeks and months felt like years in and of themselves, September especially was quite a challenging month. By the time the holidays came, it didn't feel quite real, like some how I had actually made it to the end of 2016, and I couldn't have been more grateful to put that year behind me.

If you're curious how to find this information and/or if you are new to numerology (I am certainly no expert) - you take the year, 2017 and you add each number individually. In this case, the sequence would look like this:

2+0+1+7= 10
1+0= 1

To find your tarot card for the year, you would take your birth month and day, and the current year. So for example, this is how I have found mine:

1+2+3+1+2+0+1+7= 17

I would then locate the seventh card in the Major Arcana, and this year my card is, The Star.

As I was reading about The Star, in one of the companion's for one of my decks, the refer to the numerological counter part of the Star, which happened to be Strength. I also decided to look at last years card and the numerological counter part of the Tower which was The Hanged Man.

I decided to revisit last year's card and its counter part. Maybe it's the fact that last year is behind me, or maybe it's because I'm in a place where I am ready to see from a fresh perspective, regardless of why, each card so clearly describes the trials and miracles of 2016.

With The Tower depicting the utter destruction and loss that I experience, to the feelings of dread, helplessness, and inability to move forward that are depicted in the Hanged Man. Rather than focusing on the darkness that I found myself in, with the help of my loved ones, my guides spirit and otherwise, I was able to find and fight for the possibility of creation, to find the calm within myself to make the decision to go after my attacker through the uncertainty of the justice system.

Because I had nothing else to hold on to, I chose to believe that even though I had suffered such a horrific event, that the Universe truly was protecting me, and that justice would be served. I chose to believe that despite the tear filled journey to recovery, that there was a greater purpose in place, and that some how, I would make the most of what happened to through helping others who experienced the same horrors.

Turning now towards the future, to The Star and to its counter part Strength, I am prepared to open myself fully to the healing and the magic of the Universe. I am prepared to take the next step in welcoming to love and the gifts of the Universe because I know now more than ever that I am worthy of such things.

In the DruidCraft Tarot, they make the connection of the woman pictured in The Star to the Celtic goddess Brigidh, the same goddess who lit the fire within me, the first goddess whose energy I felt as a child, and the goddess whom I feel the most connection to, as she is a goddess of Healing Water and Sacred Flame.

Cards and Counter Parts from the DruidCraft Tarot

The Star speaks of embracing the healing waters, and accepting the sacred protection that is offered by the Universe in all things. It speaks of fueling the creative spirit and allowing yourself to receive all that has been waiting for you. It is a direct sign from your guides, on the physical and spiritual plane that you are on the right path, and to trust your intuition. Lessons have been learned, scars have been earned, and now is the time to allow hope to bloom within one's heart, because that's where dreams are made.

The Star's counter part Strength refers to not just a boost in physical vitality, but of emotional endurance; having faced such strong oppositions, positioning yourself into a strong mental position. Retaining composure, and compassion while standing your ground.

A quote from the Oceanic Tarot about the card Strength, "What opposes you is lower then you are..."

Cards and Counter Parts from the Oceanic Tarot

This quote speaks volumes to me, and reminds me of all that I have risen above, and how I continue to do so by staying true to who I am, my needs, and my path.

Even now within just the first two weeks of 2017, I already feel the weight of the past year alleviated. Depending in who you ask, numerologically 2017 is a 1/10 year. A year of new beginnings, of mastery.

Going into this year there is already so much to be grateful for, so much potential already taking shape in the physical realm.

I have my first performance review with my new employer which could very well result in a pay raise.  As I mentioned before, withing the next couple of weeks I will be celebrating the first year of my relationship with an amazing man, with whom I will be taking the next step and building a home together. I will continue my training and healing with my current teacher and mentor as well as beginning official Reiki training, in addition I will be seeking a mentor and teacher to help take my tarot reading to the next level.

And that's only what I have in mind until roughly March or April. I think it goes without saying that I hope to be able to keep up with this blog all throughout the year, and perhaps even begin a new adventure.

This year is bright and young and perhaps for the first time, I am in fact ready to be in a happy, healthy, prosperous, and productive place; mind, body, and soul.

I hope all of you are just as excited about this year as I am.

Brightest Blessings to you all,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf