Being a Pagan

Greetings my dears,

In my last article I spoke about going back to the foundation of my practice, not only to regain clarity for moving forward, but as a means of setting my path for the following year. 

I made a handy little list for myself as these things often come to me at once and like everyone else, I have a myriad of life distractions, so this topic of Going Back to Basics may become a series of some sort. I have no intentions for it to specifically go in that direction, but we'll let it unfold on it's own. 

In the mean time, I spent some time over the last day or so wondering what exactly would be the most sensible place to begin such a discussion. Then it occurred to me, more than anything else, shouldn't I know and understand what exactly this path means to me?

For the past couple of years I felt myself moving away from connecting with the title of pagan and what that really meant for me. I felt more connected to the Universe as a whole and considered myself more of a 'spiritualist' if you will.

Not that I am moving away from that title either, but I am trying to define some sort of structure that I feel like I have been lacking, which I believe has played a part in feeling disconnected all around. As I am attempting to go back the the roots of my beliefs, let's start with identifying as a pagan.

But what does being a pagan mean to me?

For me personally, it does not mean giving power to stereotypes, nor does it give me free license to rebel against my family members who don't view the world as I do. It doesn't mean that I am against men and solely support women. It doesn't mean that I don't respect current law or that I resent the restrictions of my previous beliefs.

Being a pagan means that I honor myself in all things. It means that I listen to my heart and follow my intuition even if it might lead me down a difficult path. It means that I don't shy away from the parts of myself that create challenges, it means that I show just as much patience and compassion to myself as I show to others.

It means not rushing through a lesson just because it makes me uncomfortable.

Being a pagan means that I do my best to take the time to see myself in all things, and all things in me.

To me, being a pagan means that I also see the divine in all things, and seeing the divine within myself. Being a pagan means that I honor and respect the Earth because without it, we would not be here, we would not be the us that we are now, today.

Being a pagan means taking ownership of my actions and responsibility for my mistakes. Being pagan means, that I understand that I have a duty to myself to never stop learning or growing. Being a pagan means that I allow myself mistakes so that I can keep learning and growing.

I understand that every one who identifies as a pagan is going to have their own answers, and I think that in and of itself is so beautiful. It provides contrast and space for different perceptions. It may provide something to aspire to, to work towards, to grow into.

It only seemed right to me to start in this place of exploration. To be honest I had a different topic in mind to begin with, but I think it will be a good second step.

I would love to hear from you and to know what being a pagan means to you. I also want to extend the invitation to our Facebook group, Shakti's Circle which serves as a virtual temple space and community for spiritually inclined individuals, regardless of your path or where you might be on it.

Be sure to take good care dear ones,

Until next time,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Renewing My Practice

Hey there loves,

I don't know about any of you, but I have been noticing a sense of...emptiness when it comes to my spiritual practice. I've spoken before about the ups and downs of my focus or lack thereof in my daily practice and how it seems to come and go as if riding in and out with the tides. I will go through periods where every day, seemingly every moment I can possibly spare is spent on journaling, reading, thinking, meditating, practicing.

And gradually I will go for what feels like months of a dry spell (pardon the pun). My crystals go untouched, my sage goes un-burnt and it's like I've stepped into a magic free world.

I have spent years trying to determine why such a thing happens or the better question, why it happens so frequently. I've thought before that whenever significant change happens, that's usually a warning sign that things are about to go quiet for a time as I process and adjust.

And in some ways I suppose that's fair. Same goes for when depression makes an unwanted visit, I will spend months processing and working through it, some times not even noticing it because it becomes like a second nature.

But in all sincerity. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of going in and out with what I suppose you could call dedication. I am tired of going from feeling so connected, to struggling to reconnect. I'm tired of feeling lost in my own practice.

So I started asking myself some annoying to uncomfortable questions. For some time I have missed the feeling of having a physical mentor or guide to poke and prod at me with questions that I feel bashful answering because I know I can be doing better.

For the first time since I began my path and journey as a pagan I have felt the longing for fellowship in the form of a Circle or Coven. I've often craved structure for my practice and thought countless times how much different my practice might be if only I had others to help keep me moving and accountable.

Which of course then begged the question, why do I need someone else to keep me accountable? Why am I not sufficient in doing so?

The honest answer to that is: I have been lazy.

That's not to say that change doesn't require adjusting, and that life cannot be busy, that's just how life is. But what I am attempting to acknowledge about myself is that I have a tendency to turn my brain off as a means of relaxing via modern technology.

And that's not to say that using modern technology cannot be helpful. But drinking a glass of wine and putting on the latest Netflix whatever might not be the most helpful when it comes to being a productive practitioner.

Now, I have done a lot of emotional, mental and spiritual work this past year in particular. And I think I have begun to associate my practice with an extra load of personal work that I am not always keen on doing.

This is where it becomes a little tricky for me. I feel and have felt for a long time that this life for me, is about the work that I am here to do. Helping other people of their journey, breaking chains and cycles of my ancestors, showing others that they can do the same. But to do any of that, I have to be able to do so myself. And some days, I just don't think I have it in me.

I think part of the problem there is I have been hitting the ground running. I've stopped focusing on my foundation and have been struggling to reach some sort of 'next level' because my human ego tells me that because I can picture it, I should be there already.

Which I am sure that you can relate to, it becomes frustrating and discouraging, and personally, it makes me just want to throw my hands up and say, forget it!

Meanwhile my heart and soul are still craving that path, that journey, that learning. The achieving is all well and good, and of course they know this will come in time. The heart and the soul don't worry about they when, they care about the how.

Just a few short weeks ago I celebrated Samhain and welcomed in the energy of 2018. While I am no numerology expert, I try to follow the energy of the numbers and symbols as I believe they can serve as markers or guide posts. This year, 2017 when added up together equates to a 10 or a 1; a year of mastery and apprenticeship.

I was given and shown what I consider to be a significant amount of information about how my practice is going to eventually unfold. I was given different programs to offer, different workshops to teach, a lecture, I could go on. It was a so much information that I attempted to dive in feet first without any real idea of how to get things started.

That was six, seven months ago. Yet here I am, six weeks left of 2017 and I am finding the need to go back to basics. To really understand and define in a coherent manner what I believe, how I practice, what is it that I really want.

What is it that I really want?

This question had me stumped. For the most part, my life feels set, it feels solid, stable.

Things I have never experienced my adult life being, something that somehow always felt out of reach. Now that I'm standing here, I can sense the worry that one foot wrong could cause it all to come tumbling down. The difference between now and even one year ago is that I am solid, I am stable.

So, now that I know that I am such, and I trust that I am such, what do I do?

Well, after giving the question some genuine consideration and asking Spirit to guide me to the best course of action, the answer seems simple.

Go back to basics.

By giving myself a clean slate and a chance to start again, I feel like it takes the pressure out of picking up my practice. Which was originally going to be the title of this article. But as I've reread and edited this piece, I've realized that I am not picking up an old practice at all.

The emptiness I have been feeling has been more of a cleansing and continual releasing of the old to make space for a new practice.

By going back to basics, and approaching my path with a new sense of wonder and questions, I myself am approaching it as a new student, as a new initiate.

 It feels strangely appropriate to have come to this place of realization and renewal on the night of the new moon. The second to last new moon of 2017.

Earlier I mentioned the numerological significance of this being a 10/01 year. Again, I am a novice at best when it comes to Numerology, but the best that I can ascertain is that 2018 is going to be an 11 year versus resorting to a 2 year.

I have heard numerous times that 11 is a master number, and while I am not entirely sure what that means, from the research I've done it really sounds like 2018 is an energy that supports stepping into who you really are. 2018 sounds like it carries the energies for remarkable transformations and transmutation. 2018 sounds like it echos those opportunities that we've all been waiting for.

My dearest hope is to refocus my intention for this space and redirect it to a more informational tone. I am going to be rebuilding my practice from the ground up, and honestly, I couldn't be more excited or relieved.

I feel wonderful knowing that in this cycle of rest and remembrance, that I am given the gift of renewal. I so look forward to sharing with you what I come up with and how I will be honoring my path. These last five and a half years have really been about doing what I needed to do when I needed to do it to get by until the next disaster hit.

2018 is going to be the beginning of a whole new chapter for me. It's also going to be my Saturn Return year, so that will definitely be interesting. Stay tuned for that!

If you're curious about what else I am up to, I encourage you to come out check out our virtual temple via Facebook and join Shakti's Circle. I am hoping to launch some really fun events and readings in the group over the next year or so, or if you are just interested in community, we are excited to have you!

With that my dears, I am going to bid you all a fond farewell until next time, be sure to take good care.

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Samhain Check In

Oh my dears,

What a year it has been. Before I jump into anything else, I wanted offer a warm hug through the ether and to offer my deepest thanks. I appreciate you being here more than I can express, and I don't just mean here, reading my blog. I mean here, living on this Earth, in this time, or whenever your time is.

Thank you to all of my readers whether you have been with me for a long time, or if you have only read a couple of my pieces, perhaps this is the first time you're visiting me and you deserve thanks as well. I also wanted to remind you how precious and needed you are in this world.

We all need to be reminded some times, and personally, I don't think we hear those things enough. We are heading deeper into the dark half of the year, and like our ancestors knew so well, coming together and being available and supportive to one another is priceless.

Around Samhain time, you might find yourself wanting to reflect on this past year. Samhain is the final harvest of the season, so you may feel called to take a look back to see how far you have come, to take stock of what came to life for you this year, and what did not.

For me, I feel called to look back further than just the last year, but to where this journey came alive for me...

I remember sitting down at my desk in my tiny little apartment a mere two months before I had the catalyst struck which was ultimately what became the first step on my healing journey.

I had participated in my first full moon ritual with Sage Goddess and I can recall the overwhelming feeling of connection and hope. This space became my main focus and I threw my whole self into it.

I had ideas for topics and a list of books I wanted to read and review for you, I had lists of different ways you could connect with your guides and Spirit, I truly believed that this space would be chalk full of information and tips and ideas for ritual.

And that did happen for a little while. I wrote out and shared the magic I was working, although I didn't recognize it as such at the time. What's more, is that I didn't realize how powerful that magic was. I was simply unprepared for the consequences of what I was asking the Universe for, and it knocked me on my ass.

Since then, it's been a wild ride. In my previous post I shared how my life and my journey with Spirit are simply too closely woven together to really keep them separated. At first I worried that not staying objective with my original intent for this blog in mind would alienate my readers or people would get tired of hearing about my life.

But what I've come to realize that, while that might be true for some, this is in truth what I had intended all along. It's all wonderful and good to share ideas and facts about certain things, but by sharing how I myself am living and experiencing all of those things, can in fact create a more relate-able conversation.

In a way, this is a chance for me to own my experiences and to take ownership of the things that I struggle with, to show what I have found to be helpful and useful. The whole reason behind my starting this blog was to be a guiding hand for those who struggle with the same things I do, to be that voice that tells them,

You can do this, you're not alone. 

As Samhain approaches, I want to connect more deeply with my ancestors than I have in previous years. This year, I want to honor them and show my respect as I know they are with me always. I also want to ask them to assist me in healing our collective past, to lay down the struggles and strife that so many have endured. I want to be able to heal our past and therefore allow that healing to flow into our present and on into the future.

Samhain is a day to celebrate, to be still in the quiet, to honor, and to take up vigils and lay down the past. It is a day to remember and it is a day to release. Cutting the chords that carry the pain, suffering, and regret is so important. Everything comes and goes in cycles, and it is when we refuse to allow the ending to be such as it is do our lives attract more of the same obstacles; the same pain and suffering and regret are fed rather than being allowed to go.

That's not to say we will notice a difference all at once, or that the shift will happen all in one day. When I wrote the Open Heart Series, I had no idea that two years later I would still be seeing echos and ripples of those intentions. I had no idea that magic worked like that. I had no idea that magic worked.

To the best of my recollection, I've never been in a place where I was ready to move forward when this turn of the wheel came round. I was always in a place of pain, or I was in a space of searching, or I was simply trying to be at peace with where I was. All very important things, and I think always where I needed to be at that time.

As we make ready for winter, I intend to rest, and to study, and to heal. Letting the past stay in the past is not always easy, and if I'm being completely honest it's never something I have been good at. And that is why this time of the year, this year, is such an amazingly beautiful opportunity. Because now, I am ready, I feel prepared, and possibly the most important, I want to.

I have every intention to share my Samhain experience, but I also don't want to promise as to when that will be. Life has a way of sweeping me up and away, and as I am practicing my patience I hope that you will bear with me a time.

In the interim I hope to be able to share other works and the like as we continue on.

Until next time,

Warm and Bright Samhain Blessings to you and yours,

Image from renegadetribune.com

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Farewell Mother

Hey there loves,

It probably should have occurred to me long before this, but this space has become more than just a way to document my Spiritual journey, but has really become about my life as a whole. I suppose some are able to separate one from the other and focus on what they originally attempted to do, but for me, the two are so deeply intertwined that if I only focused on one or the other, pieces would simply be missing.

I wanted more than anything for this to simply be a resource for others who might face the same uncertainties, the same struggles, perhaps answer some of the questions that I myself asked, perhaps more than once.

One of the things that I have struggled with my entire life, has been setting boundaries and sticking to them. Speaking up and using my voice to the person that I am having difficulty with in the moment has always been difficult. I would find my emotions rising quickly to the surface of my throat, and rather than explaining, I would explode in a rush of tears, screams, and eventually, running.

It's always been easier for me not to say anything, or to express myself to others who were not involved, or if I had to confront the person, to do so in writing. In a way, it feels like a cop-out, like a lack of strength; and I've always justified the writing as a way to make sure I say exactly what I want to say. No over-embellishments, no expressions of anger that I couldn't take back because I could proof read until it was perfect.

In a couple of cases, this has been my only means of communicating my displeasure, my hurt and my anxiety surrounding an incident. But for the majority of my relationships, it simply won't do anymore. I need to learn how to trust myself to say what needs to be said. To use trust that I can control my voice, kept my emotions in check, and to not rely on body language to communicate my frustration.

It's taken me a long time to recognize that doing such things is a form of anxiety; something I have known that I live with, but something I thought only came out when 'bigger' things happen. I put it on the back burner, not taking it seriously. In doing so, I have only begun to recognize when it comes to life in my day to day, and now comes the task of learning how to come back to my center and not let it run wild.

None of these things were taught to me as a child, such things were encouraged and fed because it bred pity, which could lead to leniency or favors, privilege if you like. Crazy as it might sound, it's how I was raised, and even though it didn't really stick, the lack of ability to deal with such challenges has clearly left its mark.

That's not to say that my mother did not do her best working within her own mental health issues. Because to her credit, I think that she did. The difference I have found however, is that while I have since grown up and do not shy away from responsibility for learning how to work with these afflictions, she never did.

More than anyone else in my life, she is such a special case. As much as I once wanted nothing more than a honest relationship with her, I am now aware that such a relationship is simply not possible with her current state. One that I believe she has become so engrossed, perhaps even lost in, that I can no longer pretend that any form of relationship is healthy.

In the past, I have felt everything from severe hatred, resentment, frustration, anger, pain to an unbearable degree, loss, pity, disgust, and now, I simply feel separation.

My mother as a person is still alive, and well to the best of my knowledge. I sincerely mean it when I say that I want nothing but the best for her, and that I truly hope that she finds peace and happiness. But the idea, the image of a healthy, supportive, understanding relationship has been put to rest. The dream I carried for so long has been released, and in its place is the desire expressed above.

Truth be told, I simply do not need her. I realize that sounds harsh, but just like my other unhealthy relationships, I simply did not need them either. I may have convinced myself to hang on for a time, with the secret hope that something, anything would change and things would be different, but the truth is that nothing has changed with the exception of myself.

I've changed. I've changed more in the last year and a half than I have my entire life.

That's not to say that I won't miss her, but I see her as one that has passed on. An ancestor that I express gratitude to for all of the lessons that they have shown me, for granting me the privilege of being the one to break this cycle, of being a single piece in the creation of a new cycle, on in which there is a lack of resentment and hate, in its place the glow of forgiveness and peace.

In case I ever find myself doubting, I love my mother very much, and there is a small child within who still wishes that things could have been so different. Yet, I find myself grateful for the opportunity to be presented with this work, the chance to show love and affection to this little girl who knew judgement far too soon.

Samhain is approaching us, and at this crossroads I will honor my ancestors, as well as the Self that I have been. I will lay down the torches I have carried for far too long, and dance round the fire in celebration that the cycle is in fact ended.

It's not always easy to say goodbye, but clinging to what is already gone only keeps you trapped in the past, and I have already spent to long there.

So I say farewell instead, with hope that when we meet again, things will be different, lighter perhaps.

Image from thecolorjournal.com

Until next time,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

New Moon in Virgo & Autumn Equinox

Hey there loves,

It's hard to believe that we're here again, Autumn. It's still a couple of days away, regardless I can't help but stop and breathe.

Oh my dears, so many of you have been with me for long enough to know that this is a time of reflection for me. September seems to be the one month of the year that I hold the closest to my heart, so many things have taken place over the years during this span of 30 days.

I can recall in years past how as much as I wanted to feel and reach out for feelings of peace, contentment, and gratitude, I was marginally unsuccessful.

This year, things are different. This year there is no catastrophe threatening the world I've built for myself. This year there is no heartbreak or confusion as to why feelings of the past persist with an almost reverence to what could have been.

Over the last few years, there has been a resistance to going inward and taking a good long look at what needs a loving touch, kind words, and an understanding warmth. Systematically it seemed, something life shaking took place, most of which required me to stand on my own two feet - and despite my best acting, I was unpracticed in.

Last year, I described September as the longest month of my life.

This year, I find myself surprised that Mabon is upon us in less then twenty-four hours. I breath easily this year and I am finding strength in knowing that I have moved so far beyond those days. Standing on the precipice of this next turn of the wheel I find comfort in knowing that I have grown more than I ever thought that I could, and there is a quiet strength where there was once fear and uncertainty.

During my last couple of days off from work I took to cleaning my home from top to bottom, and the next day I spent restocking my fridge and pantry, as well as donating multiple bags and boxes of items that I had been meaning to donate for months.

It wasn't until last night as I was sitting down with my tea that I was reminded that it was a new moon in Virgo. I couldn't help but laugh out loud. I had been a machine of cleaning, and organizing, clearing my space both physically and energetically.

I was also called by my guides and by Spirit to really consider how much I had been lacking in taking care of myself over the last several weeks. I felt disconnected, tired and somehow, empty. There presence of my guides had been lacking and it was only in stillness did I recognize how far I had unknowingly pushed them back.

I was filled with guilt and sorrow as I knew something had been wrong, but I had been unable to put my finger on it. I had somehow slipped back into an old habit, and I felt foolish.

I went into a meditation where I called them to me one by one. I took turns embracing and crying with them, as it was much like reuniting with family. I was comforted and loved and even though I probably didn't need to ask for forgiveness, I asked anyway, which I was granted by each of them.

I was reminded how much the relationships with my guides and with others in our physical world need proper care and communication. I had allowed myself to be distracted by things on the 'outside' like so many years prior, and I was humbled as I allowed myself a moment of grace.

For all of the progress I have made, there is still work to be done. Wounds that need healing, cleansing and releasing. Work that I will be doing throughout the next several months. Lessons that have deeper layers that need to be revisited.

Once I felt content, I invited my guides to stay with my as I participated in my first New Moon ritual in I don't know how long. I brought stones to program, a candle to burn, a journal and pen to record my intentions.

I smiled when I opened the journal to find the most recent intentions of the journal were a year prior. As I looked over the intentions I had set, I was surprised to see that in their own way, they have come to fruition.

During the ritual last night, I set three personal intentions for the next lunar cycle, three planetary intentions, and then three intentions for the next three months. It was more difficult to decide on the personal intentions than the planetary, but I believe that all are achievable.

I am ready with open arms and an open heart to this journey and the charge that has been laid at my feet. I feel the call of the crone and the sage and I seek their wisdom as I move forward into the stillness, into the quiet.

If you have not already and would like to join me, I have created a Facebook Group, Shakti's Circle. This sacred space is open to all, I encourage you to come see us, we'd be happy to have you.

Take good care loves,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

The Day I Forgave My Rapist

Hey loves,

It's been a minute since we've chatted like this, and it should be no surprise what I'll be sharing.

With everything going on in the cosmos right now; multiple planets in retrograde, the full moon and lunar eclipse we just had, the solar eclipse and new moon coming up, it really feels like the whole Universe is getting shaken up and rearranged and fiddled with - including us.

We've passed the half-way mark of our calendar year, and as summer is reaching it's height, I can't help but stop and take a good look around. My life has changed dramatically in so many areas, at times I think I might have to pinch myself just to make sure I'm not dreaming all of it.

It was only a few short months ago that I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that I had sent my attacker, my rapist to jail. It took time to get to a point where I wasn't constantly reminding myself that my battle was over and whats more, that I had won.

Being in the mental and emotional place that I am now, it really feels like world away. I even caught myself thinking about it all the other day at work and it felt strange and random, and then it occurred to me just how long it had been since the subject crossed my mind.

So imagine my surprise when it occurred to me one day that, I not only did not hate this person, but that I recognized forgiveness instead. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't completely convinced that forgiveness was actually what I felt. I sat with myself for a time and really tried to tune in to what in the world I was feeling.

I poked and I prodded, I let myself revisit the toughest moments I experienced in my healing journey, and what I saw looking back was sheer determination, a strong force of will, and the desire to leave that pain in a place where it could be safely observed without risk of falling into the pit.

I sat there with my sage burning, holding a crystal or two and asking the Universe if it was really all over. Was I really done with all of it? Did I now possess the ability to see it as an event of the past, a time in my life that could have gone so many ways, but one that I chose to navigate with justice and the gift of taking the time I needed to heal?

Truth be told I didn't truly recognize myself in that moment. The woman I saw was someone that I had hoped I would find for so many years but one that I was never really sure I would actually be able to step into.

Somewhere along the way, she told the young girl who was lost, confused, and hurt, filled with betrayal and uncertainty to relax and take a step back. She, I was here now, and I was going to take care of her, she didn't have to worry any more.

When you become a survivor of sexual assault, you are never the same person again. For me, it really became an opportunity to find my voice, and what's more is it became an opportunity to use my voice.

I made my way through the worst thing one person can do to another, and rather than allowing anger and hate to rule me, I let those feelings have their time. I gave them space to be and to breathe and once they were done, I simply let them go. Without conscious thought, I somehow allowed them to slip away and to be replaced by knowing that my life is going to be and is amazing.

His blatant act of destructive selfishness can't hurt me any more, as there is so much distance between the one he took advantage of and the one who stands alive today.

I realize that this might sound fluffy, and too easy, and too soon and anything else that indicates that I am not or should not have made the progress that I have.

Call it what you will, but I have known from the start that reaching this state of forgiveness for my rapist was one that I was going to come to. When my life came crashing down five years ago, the last thing I wanted to do was to forgive the people responsible, but I did. It took considerable time and growth, but I achieved it.

I will openly admit that I did not even consider forgiveness until after my court case had been settled, and even then, I din't feel like I was ready to take on what felt like such a huge thing. So left it alone, I didn't actively try to work towards it, because if I had learned anything about forgiving those that hurt you, it's that sometimes forgiveness just needs to come on its own.

Forgiving my rapist might seem like a crazy thing to do, but from where I'm standing, it's the best thing I could have done for myself with everything else said and done. It was my way of closing that chapter of my story, and it has allowed me to start with a bright, fresh, clean slate where anything and everything is possible.

Because if I'm able to forgive the guy who raped me, I can do anything.

*If you or someone you know has been abused or sexually assaulted, don't be afraid, you're not alone. You can find free resources by following this link: Tools and Resources: Healing from Sexual Assault.

If what I talked about today resonates with you and you would like to get to know me more or if you are looking for a community with other like-minded individuals, come and join us on Facebook in our virtual temple space, Shakti's Circle.

As troubling as the world may seem, know that you are so vitally important in bringing positive change, you are so loved.

Holding space for you dear one,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Full Moon Reflections: Capricorn

Hey there loves,

I normally don't do this kind of update post, probably because I'm unaccustomed to seeing such significant change in such a short amount of time.

When I wrote about the Full Moon in Capricorn, I felt like I needed to vent as much as I wanted to share what I was learning. I had mentioned before my frustration with a few of my coworkers and how all I wanted was for the situation to be resolved, in the way I thought was best of course.

Without realizing it, I had become more angry and frustrated at how I felt that I was being treated, and I stopped seeing the bigger picture. I got tunnel vision if you will, so naturally when those blinders came off, not only did I feel foolish and a bit embarrassed, I also wanted to make things right.

I had a conversation with one coworker about how it felt when we worked together, and I heard her out. Turns out that she felt much the same way that I did; passing off responsibility, not doing our far share of the work, and at the end of the day not being excited to work with the other person.

I took the opportunity to apologize and did my best to make sure that they knew that I would do my best to communicate more openly if I was having an off day or feeling behind, that I would try to make sure they knew I was there to help them if they needed it.

We agreed that if the cycle that has been infecting our work place was to stop, it had to start somewhere, so it was going to start with us.

A different coworker, whom I perceived to be the one responsible for all of the turmoil, started showing up more, started doing more, and appeared to be putting in more of an effort. My boss had asked me to give this person a second chance, and at first I was admittedly reluctant.

I'd given out second chances before and it had never ended well for me, and that was just my personal relationships. This was supposed to be a professional environment, why the hell were they given a second chance? I firmly believed, despite being told otherwise, that any one would be given this second chance if they were in this person's shoes. It felt like they were being special treatment for unknown reasons, and truth be told, I resented everyone who was involved.

In retrospect I can see where I did not do a good job of hiding my opinion even though I never voiced it. I was not sincere or genuine with this person, and I did not listen to the undertones or body language which always said more than the words that were spoken.

After writing about what Spirit revealed to me, it really hit home that I needed to not just see and recognize these people and the parts of them that I recognized, but that I needed to honor them and where they are at in their journey.

I needed to do this not just for myself, but by doing so, it could completely change the atmosphere and the energy in my workplace when I worked with them. As all of this was sinking in I told my guides, I told Spirit that I was not confident in my ability to do so overnight. I was unsure of how successful I would be right away, but that I would try and that I wouldn't keep myself closed off from them as I had been doing.

It's not two weeks later, and I am surprised at myself but I'm also proud. One year, two years ago, I don't know if I would have been able to turn around so completely. I'm going to work feeling lighter, feeling more confident in my position, I don't dread working with these people any more, and I genuinely spend time asking the Universe to hold them and send them love and support because in my heart I know that somehow it can and will manifest for them. Even if it manifests through me.

I no longer feel like I am being denied opportunities because I have been given the amazing chance to do other things. Like spending one day a week in a different department which isn't remotely related to the one I am in now. I am able to dedicate time to writing here, I've been able to finish a really exciting project that now is just waiting for the green light from Spirit to go onto the next step, I reached a place where I was comfortable creating an online temple space on Facebook where I can connect and share openly and others can do the same if they feel called to do so.

Don't get me wrong, the Full Moon in Capricorn was a tough one. I felt it BIG TIME. But now as we are transitioning into the New Moon in Leo, and we are heading into the harvest season, I am starting to look back on what I have been able to bring to life so far this year, and I feel amazing.

The work is not done, and there is still time to create, I feel the fiery energy of Leo beckoning me to breath life into more projects, to ignore the fear that tells me that somehow I am not good enough to do what I want to do. The lion in my roars with confidence because it knows, and I know better.

I will say though that with the completion of the project mentioned above, there is a sense of finality in a way. I knew that I wouldn't launch the project straight away, so now I'm sitting in a space with two different energies; the first being that I want to take a breath and soak up the fact that I have never even attempted something like this and now it's done, the second energy is that of the new moon in Leo wanting to get out there and create more stuff!

So, I am going to try an honor both energies, I will take time to be in stillness and gratitude and really honor the work that I have put into the project, and at the same time put my energy into other projects.

One such project is the Facebook group I mentioned before. If you are interested in joining, I fully encourage you to do so. We're still a fairly small community but you are welcome to it! I'll leave the link here with you, Shakti's Circle.

All right loves, time to go spend some time in that stillness.

Don't forget to live freely and love fiercely,

~Thealynn


©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf