Hey loves,
It's been a minute since we've chatted like this, and it should be no surprise what I'll be sharing.
With everything going on in the cosmos right now; multiple planets in retrograde, the full moon and lunar eclipse we just had, the solar eclipse and new moon coming up, it really feels like the whole Universe is getting shaken up and rearranged and fiddled with - including us.
We've passed the half-way mark of our calendar year, and as summer is reaching it's height, I can't help but stop and take a good look around. My life has changed dramatically in so many areas, at times I think I might have to pinch myself just to make sure I'm not dreaming all of it.
It was only a few short months ago that I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that I had sent my attacker, my rapist to jail. It took time to get to a point where I wasn't constantly reminding myself that my battle was over and whats more, that I had won.
Being in the mental and emotional place that I am now, it really feels like world away. I even caught myself thinking about it all the other day at work and it felt strange and random, and then it occurred to me just how long it had been since the subject crossed my mind.
So imagine my surprise when it occurred to me one day that, I not only did not hate this person, but that I recognized forgiveness instead. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't completely convinced that forgiveness was actually what I felt. I sat with myself for a time and really tried to tune in to what in the world I was feeling.
I poked and I prodded, I let myself revisit the toughest moments I experienced in my healing journey, and what I saw looking back was sheer determination, a strong force of will, and the desire to leave that pain in a place where it could be safely observed without risk of falling into the pit.
I sat there with my sage burning, holding a crystal or two and asking the Universe if it was really all over. Was I really done with all of it? Did I now possess the ability to see it as an event of the past, a time in my life that could have gone so many ways, but one that I chose to navigate with justice and the gift of taking the time I needed to heal?
Truth be told I didn't truly recognize myself in that moment. The woman I saw was someone that I had hoped I would find for so many years but one that I was never really sure I would actually be able to step into.
Somewhere along the way, she told the young girl who was lost, confused, and hurt, filled with betrayal and uncertainty to relax and take a step back. She, I was here now, and I was going to take care of her, she didn't have to worry any more.
When you become a survivor of sexual assault, you are never the same person again. For me, it really became an opportunity to find my voice, and what's more is it became an opportunity to use my voice.
I made my way through the worst thing one person can do to another, and rather than allowing anger and hate to rule me, I let those feelings have their time. I gave them space to be and to breathe and once they were done, I simply let them go. Without conscious thought, I somehow allowed them to slip away and to be replaced by knowing that my life is going to be and is amazing.
His blatant act of destructive selfishness can't hurt me any more, as there is so much distance between the one he took advantage of and the one who stands alive today.
I realize that this might sound fluffy, and too easy, and too soon and anything else that indicates that I am not or should not have made the progress that I have.
Call it what you will, but I have known from the start that reaching this state of forgiveness for my rapist was one that I was going to come to. When my life came crashing down five years ago, the last thing I wanted to do was to forgive the people responsible, but I did. It took considerable time and growth, but I achieved it.
I will openly admit that I did not even consider forgiveness until after my court case had been settled, and even then, I din't feel like I was ready to take on what felt like such a huge thing. So left it alone, I didn't actively try to work towards it, because if I had learned anything about forgiving those that hurt you, it's that sometimes forgiveness just needs to come on its own.
Forgiving my rapist might seem like a crazy thing to do, but from where I'm standing, it's the best thing I could have done for myself with everything else said and done. It was my way of closing that chapter of my story, and it has allowed me to start with a bright, fresh, clean slate where anything and everything is possible.
Because if I'm able to forgive the guy who raped me, I can do anything.
*If you or someone you know has been abused or sexually assaulted, don't be afraid, you're not alone. You can find free resources by following this link: Tools and Resources: Healing from Sexual Assault.
If what I talked about today resonates with you and you would like to get to know me more or if you are looking for a community with other like-minded individuals, come and join us on Facebook in our virtual temple space, Shakti's Circle.
As troubling as the world may seem, know that you are so vitally important in bringing positive change, you are so loved.
Holding space for you dear one,
~Thealynn
©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Moonlight at the End of the Tunnel
Hey there loves,
How is the Full Moon in Leo treating you all? Are you feeling the affects of the eclipse? Were you able to see the comet from your part of the world?
I don't know how the rest of you feel, but this year in particular the month of February feels rather...precarious. Perhaps because at least in my world, so many things have been shifting and moving around. Two major things have been settled within the first half of this month for me; the first being the move which you can read about in my Post Move Update, and the other which is still sinking in.
Before I jump in, I wanted to touch on something that I have noticed in my life, perhaps you have noticed in yours as well. Perhaps you're familiar with the saying, things happen in threes, I've even written a blog post with that exact title.
Over the last nine months I have written several times about my experience with sexual assault, my frustrations, my fears, the hope that I dared to carry as it was something I simply needed to hold onto.
The day before I was set to move, I was in my now old bedroom, finishing up the last of my packing when my phone began to ring. Looking at the caller ID, I knew it had to be one of two people, so I answered it. It was my attorney calling to get my input on what I would be satisfied with as far as a plea deal was concerned and confirming whether or not I had received my subpoena for the following week as we were set to go to trial.
Even now I am grateful that I was sitting down as this was the first I had heard since October. I had been told during that time that I could expect to hear sometime between January and February, but I certainly did not expect it to be right before my move. Rather than go over too many specifics over the phone, we set a meeting to discuss a potential plea deal and to prep for trial in the event that the deal was denied.
It was a long weekend as we waited to hear if the deal would be accepted, and while I wanted to much to be aligned with what would serve my highest good, I prayed to any and all that would listen, to grant me the grace of not going to trial. The thought of reliving the events of that night in excruciating detail would be difficult enough, but to do so in court in front of strangers and further more, causing my partner to relive the pain again made my stomach feel as though it were trying to reach the center of the Earth.
I got the call that Monday morning, the deal had been accepted. I was then asked if I wanted to attend the sentence hearing, and after giving it some thought, I decided to go. I had no desire to see my attacker again, but I knew that hearing and seeing him sentenced would provide a level of closure that I didn't think would be possible.
Sitting in the courtroom I was filled with nerves as we waited for him to be brought in, even remembering it down I can feel the nausea, the lightheaded tingling, my breath laboring as I still couldn't quite believe that I had finally made it to this moment.
Hearing him answer the judge's questions, his voice was strong and resolved, it was hard to tell what he was thinking. I knew he was still in denial about the damage that he had caused, but that didn't matter at this point.
Prior to the proceedings I was told that if I so wished, that I would be given the chance to make a statement, I couldn't begin to think of what I could possibly say that would be constructive, that would be meaningful. Truth be told, there was absolutely nothing that I wanted to say that I also felt needed to be said.
I was being granted justice, the one thing I've wanted more than anything else these last nine months. Sure, I suppose I could have said that while he has forever changed my life, that his will forever be ruined. That just because I agreed to a 'lesser charge' of Sexual Assault II versus Rape I that it doesn't change the meaning of what happened to me that night. That regardless of what his record says or what he chooses to call himself, he is a rapist, and that will never change. Just as I will never not be a rape survivor ever again.
All of those sentiments would have fallen on deaf ears, and the truth is that I didn't want to him to have anything else from me as he had already taken so much.
It's difficult not to become emotional as I think of it all, as I look back at how much pain has been endured, not just by me, but also from the friends and family that watched and supported me as I struggled through to find the person that I was before all of this happened.
During last night's ritual, our ritual host and leader Athena, touched on the story of Isis and Osiris, how when Osiris was murdered by his brother, Isis traveled around the globe searching for the pieces of his being to put him back together, and how the act of re-membering him was the greatest act of love.
Last night we worked with deities from the Hindu tradition that I hadn't known about prior, Rati and Kamadeva; Goddess of Passion and God of Lust. She spoke of how they have a similar story, in that when Kamadeva was murdered, she traveled all around to collect his ashes so that she could re-member him.
Going into the meditative state, I knew could already feel how important being vulnerable and open to healing would be, I could also feel how the urge to resist was lying in wait, like an automatic reflex ready to pull me back.
During the meditation we were lead to a beautiful white marble temple and asked to lay on a bed/mattress in the middle of the room, with Rati and Kamadeva joining us on either side. Sensing my hesitation and my uneasiness, they created an energetic egg around us, and held me the way two parents would hold their frightened child.
I told them how much I knew I needed the healing, how I could almost see the pain slowly becoming a safety blanket and how I knew it wasn't what I wanted, but at the same time, it just happened all the same. They shared with me how the best way to dissolve such things lies in forgiveness. How forgiving the source of the pain is the best way to release it, and how they could see that I held that knowledge within me already. They asked me to please forgive my rapist, how it would be the last step in this process, and then it would simply be living a conscious life, something I was already doing.
I looked inside myself, despite knowing the answer. I saw the girl I was nine months ago, desperately holding into a ball of energy that was so many things all at once; denial, anger, unbelievable pain, sorrow, self-loathing, guilt.
I told them how I just didn't know how to forgive him right now, that I knew I should and that I wanted to want to, but that I couldn't bring myself to truly want to forgive him yet.
They each took on of my hands and showed me other men in my life who had caused me unspeakable pain:
My biological father; his abandonment, his drug and alcohol abuse, his literal denial of my identity. Yet I had forgiven him, and that through his actions I was introduced to a father who loves me unconditionally despite some difficult times.
My ex-fiance; his complete and utter mistreatment of me throughout the course of our relationship, his betrayal when he cheated on me with someone I considered to be a best friend, his swift resolve to move on and marry someone new less then two years after our engagement ended. Yet, I had forgiven him. Rather then considering our years together as wasted time, it provided me a clear picture of what I wanted from a relationship, from a partner.
Then there was my rapist. Yes, he was by far the worst in that he violated my being in every way that a person can be violated. And yet, from all of this I have gained so much, I have learned so much, and I will live a life far more fulfilling then I would have previously thought possible. I made it through the most difficult, painful, and trying event of my life, and here I was. And here I am.
We were beginning to be called back, I embraced each in turn and thanked them from the bottom of my heart for their love, their guidance and their healing. My journey to justice is complete, resolved. I sent my rapist to jail. I am in a beautiful new home with a man that I love and adore, two animals who make me laugh every day, and I am able to wake up every morning and be grateful for all of the miracles and blessings that have been gifted to me.
I realize and fully accept that forgiveness is something that I will come to in my own time and is something that I know will serve me, but I also know that some times when we resolve to forgive people who have hurt us, it can feel like we are 'giving them a pass' for what happened to us. It can feel like we are sweeping it under the rug, it can feel like we are saying that those events didn't happen, that what we endured doesn't matter.
What forgiveness really means, is that in spite of the pain and struggle, that we are more important then the person who hurt us. That our happiness, our love for ourselves, and our desire to move on is more important then staying in those spaces where it hurts. That's not to say that we are always ready to immediately move on from the hurt, because nothing heals over night. I'm not ready to fully move on from the pain and suffering that I feel. Some days I feel it more then others, and when I have those days, it's just as important to acknowledge and honor the pain for what it is.
For me personally, forgiveness means that I am not willing to live in the past. It means that I care more about my future then I do about what happened to me trying to get to where I want to go. By forgiving those who have hurt me, it means that I am choosing to become stronger rather then let those experiences weaken me.
Having these views and these beliefs doesn't always make things easier, in fact, most of the time it makes things more difficult, but it makes every experience infinitely worth more.
Whatever you might being going through, however you might be struggling, please know that you are never alone. As impossible as it may feel, you are strong enough to get through the struggles that you're facing.
The resources that I am sharing below, I have shared once before, but if this is your first time with me, I want to be sure that you see these. Use them yourself, share them with your friends and family, or perhaps you don't know who they will help, you never know who will benefit from them. I know that they have certainly helped me.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-TALK
Here is the link to the private chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 or 1-800-656-HOPE
Here is the link to the private chat: https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp
https://www.rainn.org/
RAINN is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. They are bursting with information, and one of the main resources I used, including their confidential chat which I utilized while I decided on a therapist.
https://www.notalone.gov/resources/
Not Alone was also incredibly helpful because it provided me with a list of crisis centers as well as a hot line that is confidential and 24/7
http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_national_type.php?type_id=1056
WomensLaw is a great site for information about different organizations, statics, and additional resources to get you the help that you need.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Lifeline is always a resource to be aware of regardless of what crisis you might be facing, there is someone who is willing to be there for you.
How is the Full Moon in Leo treating you all? Are you feeling the affects of the eclipse? Were you able to see the comet from your part of the world?
 |
| Image from http://siriusastro.pl/ |
I don't know how the rest of you feel, but this year in particular the month of February feels rather...precarious. Perhaps because at least in my world, so many things have been shifting and moving around. Two major things have been settled within the first half of this month for me; the first being the move which you can read about in my Post Move Update, and the other which is still sinking in.
Before I jump in, I wanted to touch on something that I have noticed in my life, perhaps you have noticed in yours as well. Perhaps you're familiar with the saying, things happen in threes, I've even written a blog post with that exact title.
Over the last nine months I have written several times about my experience with sexual assault, my frustrations, my fears, the hope that I dared to carry as it was something I simply needed to hold onto.
The day before I was set to move, I was in my now old bedroom, finishing up the last of my packing when my phone began to ring. Looking at the caller ID, I knew it had to be one of two people, so I answered it. It was my attorney calling to get my input on what I would be satisfied with as far as a plea deal was concerned and confirming whether or not I had received my subpoena for the following week as we were set to go to trial.
Even now I am grateful that I was sitting down as this was the first I had heard since October. I had been told during that time that I could expect to hear sometime between January and February, but I certainly did not expect it to be right before my move. Rather than go over too many specifics over the phone, we set a meeting to discuss a potential plea deal and to prep for trial in the event that the deal was denied.
It was a long weekend as we waited to hear if the deal would be accepted, and while I wanted to much to be aligned with what would serve my highest good, I prayed to any and all that would listen, to grant me the grace of not going to trial. The thought of reliving the events of that night in excruciating detail would be difficult enough, but to do so in court in front of strangers and further more, causing my partner to relive the pain again made my stomach feel as though it were trying to reach the center of the Earth.
I got the call that Monday morning, the deal had been accepted. I was then asked if I wanted to attend the sentence hearing, and after giving it some thought, I decided to go. I had no desire to see my attacker again, but I knew that hearing and seeing him sentenced would provide a level of closure that I didn't think would be possible.
Sitting in the courtroom I was filled with nerves as we waited for him to be brought in, even remembering it down I can feel the nausea, the lightheaded tingling, my breath laboring as I still couldn't quite believe that I had finally made it to this moment.
Hearing him answer the judge's questions, his voice was strong and resolved, it was hard to tell what he was thinking. I knew he was still in denial about the damage that he had caused, but that didn't matter at this point.
Prior to the proceedings I was told that if I so wished, that I would be given the chance to make a statement, I couldn't begin to think of what I could possibly say that would be constructive, that would be meaningful. Truth be told, there was absolutely nothing that I wanted to say that I also felt needed to be said.
I was being granted justice, the one thing I've wanted more than anything else these last nine months. Sure, I suppose I could have said that while he has forever changed my life, that his will forever be ruined. That just because I agreed to a 'lesser charge' of Sexual Assault II versus Rape I that it doesn't change the meaning of what happened to me that night. That regardless of what his record says or what he chooses to call himself, he is a rapist, and that will never change. Just as I will never not be a rape survivor ever again.
All of those sentiments would have fallen on deaf ears, and the truth is that I didn't want to him to have anything else from me as he had already taken so much.
It's difficult not to become emotional as I think of it all, as I look back at how much pain has been endured, not just by me, but also from the friends and family that watched and supported me as I struggled through to find the person that I was before all of this happened.
During last night's ritual, our ritual host and leader Athena, touched on the story of Isis and Osiris, how when Osiris was murdered by his brother, Isis traveled around the globe searching for the pieces of his being to put him back together, and how the act of re-membering him was the greatest act of love.
Last night we worked with deities from the Hindu tradition that I hadn't known about prior, Rati and Kamadeva; Goddess of Passion and God of Lust. She spoke of how they have a similar story, in that when Kamadeva was murdered, she traveled all around to collect his ashes so that she could re-member him.
Going into the meditative state, I knew could already feel how important being vulnerable and open to healing would be, I could also feel how the urge to resist was lying in wait, like an automatic reflex ready to pull me back.
During the meditation we were lead to a beautiful white marble temple and asked to lay on a bed/mattress in the middle of the room, with Rati and Kamadeva joining us on either side. Sensing my hesitation and my uneasiness, they created an energetic egg around us, and held me the way two parents would hold their frightened child.
I told them how much I knew I needed the healing, how I could almost see the pain slowly becoming a safety blanket and how I knew it wasn't what I wanted, but at the same time, it just happened all the same. They shared with me how the best way to dissolve such things lies in forgiveness. How forgiving the source of the pain is the best way to release it, and how they could see that I held that knowledge within me already. They asked me to please forgive my rapist, how it would be the last step in this process, and then it would simply be living a conscious life, something I was already doing.
I looked inside myself, despite knowing the answer. I saw the girl I was nine months ago, desperately holding into a ball of energy that was so many things all at once; denial, anger, unbelievable pain, sorrow, self-loathing, guilt.
I told them how I just didn't know how to forgive him right now, that I knew I should and that I wanted to want to, but that I couldn't bring myself to truly want to forgive him yet.
They each took on of my hands and showed me other men in my life who had caused me unspeakable pain:
My biological father; his abandonment, his drug and alcohol abuse, his literal denial of my identity. Yet I had forgiven him, and that through his actions I was introduced to a father who loves me unconditionally despite some difficult times.
My ex-fiance; his complete and utter mistreatment of me throughout the course of our relationship, his betrayal when he cheated on me with someone I considered to be a best friend, his swift resolve to move on and marry someone new less then two years after our engagement ended. Yet, I had forgiven him. Rather then considering our years together as wasted time, it provided me a clear picture of what I wanted from a relationship, from a partner.
Then there was my rapist. Yes, he was by far the worst in that he violated my being in every way that a person can be violated. And yet, from all of this I have gained so much, I have learned so much, and I will live a life far more fulfilling then I would have previously thought possible. I made it through the most difficult, painful, and trying event of my life, and here I was. And here I am.
We were beginning to be called back, I embraced each in turn and thanked them from the bottom of my heart for their love, their guidance and their healing. My journey to justice is complete, resolved. I sent my rapist to jail. I am in a beautiful new home with a man that I love and adore, two animals who make me laugh every day, and I am able to wake up every morning and be grateful for all of the miracles and blessings that have been gifted to me.
I realize and fully accept that forgiveness is something that I will come to in my own time and is something that I know will serve me, but I also know that some times when we resolve to forgive people who have hurt us, it can feel like we are 'giving them a pass' for what happened to us. It can feel like we are sweeping it under the rug, it can feel like we are saying that those events didn't happen, that what we endured doesn't matter.
What forgiveness really means, is that in spite of the pain and struggle, that we are more important then the person who hurt us. That our happiness, our love for ourselves, and our desire to move on is more important then staying in those spaces where it hurts. That's not to say that we are always ready to immediately move on from the hurt, because nothing heals over night. I'm not ready to fully move on from the pain and suffering that I feel. Some days I feel it more then others, and when I have those days, it's just as important to acknowledge and honor the pain for what it is.
For me personally, forgiveness means that I am not willing to live in the past. It means that I care more about my future then I do about what happened to me trying to get to where I want to go. By forgiving those who have hurt me, it means that I am choosing to become stronger rather then let those experiences weaken me.
Having these views and these beliefs doesn't always make things easier, in fact, most of the time it makes things more difficult, but it makes every experience infinitely worth more.
Whatever you might being going through, however you might be struggling, please know that you are never alone. As impossible as it may feel, you are strong enough to get through the struggles that you're facing.
The resources that I am sharing below, I have shared once before, but if this is your first time with me, I want to be sure that you see these. Use them yourself, share them with your friends and family, or perhaps you don't know who they will help, you never know who will benefit from them. I know that they have certainly helped me.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-TALK
Here is the link to the private chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 or 1-800-656-HOPE
Here is the link to the private chat: https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp
https://www.rainn.org/
RAINN is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. They are bursting with information, and one of the main resources I used, including their confidential chat which I utilized while I decided on a therapist.
https://www.notalone.gov/resources/
Not Alone was also incredibly helpful because it provided me with a list of crisis centers as well as a hot line that is confidential and 24/7
http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_national_type.php?type_id=1056
WomensLaw is a great site for information about different organizations, statics, and additional resources to get you the help that you need.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Lifeline is always a resource to be aware of regardless of what crisis you might be facing, there is someone who is willing to be there for you.
Love and Healing to you now and always dear ones,
Thursday, June 25, 2015
A Truly Open Heart
Hey there lovies,
I've been incredibly fortunate to be a part of some truly amazing experiences these last few weeks. Quite frankly I never expected to have the privilege of being a participant in helping and connecting with and I would be so bold as to say, inspiring as many individuals as I have these last couple of months.
The opportunities that have been given to me since I have made this move have been numerous, but one that I never thought I would have is the opportunity to have full closure and to say goodbye to the first real love of my life.
This person has been everything to me; friend, confidant, lover, counselor, supporter and every nook and cranny that falls in between. They've also been responsible for causing a great deal of pain, disappointment, anger, frustration and confusion.
But to be honest, I can't imagine a first love being any different. I can't fathom that anyone else would hold such sway, who could so gently hold another's heart and be so careless with it in one stroke.
I've written before about my thoughts on love, and it's not terribly surprising that only a few short months later, finding myself with a different perspective on it. When I look back at myself the last time I wrote about love, I was trying to reconcile with the idea, I was trying to make myself believe that...love just is.
I don't think you choose when you love someone, I think to some extent it just happens on its own. Love is the greatest force I have ever encountered; it contains every positive and negative elements that is conceivable.
Because while it possesses all of the infinite wonder and possibility that we all look for and desire, but doing so, it leaves us open to all of the damage that can be caused because of it. It leaves us vulnerable to all of the disasters, but it also requires us to be open to the miracles that can take place.
This path that I am on, not only for myself but for the purpose I believe with all my heart that I am here to accomplish, has asked me to question everything about the way I used to do things, the perspectives I've held, the people I surround myself with.
I have been asked to be open, to be flexible, to be patient and understanding, to be brave and courageous, to trust. There have been times when my ego has held up its hands and said, "Whoa! Slow you're roll there, I'm only human. Mere mortal right here, let's not get carried away here."
All of those things are essential to any kind of growth, all of those things are necessary for success.
When I started this journey, which there have been several 'starting over points' I never expected to be asked to change myself as much as I find myself changing. It's a bit overwhelming some times.
I don't think you choose when you love someone, but I think you can choose when to stop loving someone. I fell in love with this person despite every effort not to, because I knew in my soul, in my heart of hearts that this was not it for me. Not this time.
I have loved this individual with my whole heart, soul, being and there is a part of me that sincerely wishes that things could be different. As difficult as it is though, I have to remind myself that I don't truly believe that I'm it for them either.
The two of us have spent so much time together, have shared so much and have grown so much together, as a couple, as friends. There's been a part of my heart that has held steadfast to them because I remember all too well what that was like, and how it made me feel.
But I'm slowly coming to the realization that, the best thing we can do for each other and for ourselves is to let that love go. It was beautiful, and special, and brought me a life that I never thought I was capable of having. I've been slow to accept that there is someone else who will love and cherish me, and fulfill me in every way, and I for them-in this direction that I am heading, this path and purpose for this life.
And I believe wholeheartedly that there is someone out there for them too, who can connect and care for them in ways that I simply cannot.
I will always treasure them, and I sincerely hope that they will always be a good friend of mine. But now is the time to say goodbye, and to release that love and set the intention for them that when the time is right, they find their soulmate.
I can feel my own approaching, which strangely, doesn't make this easier. But knowing that there is genuine happiness outside of this person does. Knowing that there is genuine happiness out there for them makes it easier to let go, to say goodbye to them so that I can say hello to myself and my future.
Love is quite the mystery...
I've been incredibly fortunate to be a part of some truly amazing experiences these last few weeks. Quite frankly I never expected to have the privilege of being a participant in helping and connecting with and I would be so bold as to say, inspiring as many individuals as I have these last couple of months.
The opportunities that have been given to me since I have made this move have been numerous, but one that I never thought I would have is the opportunity to have full closure and to say goodbye to the first real love of my life.
This person has been everything to me; friend, confidant, lover, counselor, supporter and every nook and cranny that falls in between. They've also been responsible for causing a great deal of pain, disappointment, anger, frustration and confusion.
But to be honest, I can't imagine a first love being any different. I can't fathom that anyone else would hold such sway, who could so gently hold another's heart and be so careless with it in one stroke.
I've written before about my thoughts on love, and it's not terribly surprising that only a few short months later, finding myself with a different perspective on it. When I look back at myself the last time I wrote about love, I was trying to reconcile with the idea, I was trying to make myself believe that...love just is.
I don't think you choose when you love someone, I think to some extent it just happens on its own. Love is the greatest force I have ever encountered; it contains every positive and negative elements that is conceivable.
Because while it possesses all of the infinite wonder and possibility that we all look for and desire, but doing so, it leaves us open to all of the damage that can be caused because of it. It leaves us vulnerable to all of the disasters, but it also requires us to be open to the miracles that can take place.
This path that I am on, not only for myself but for the purpose I believe with all my heart that I am here to accomplish, has asked me to question everything about the way I used to do things, the perspectives I've held, the people I surround myself with.
I have been asked to be open, to be flexible, to be patient and understanding, to be brave and courageous, to trust. There have been times when my ego has held up its hands and said, "Whoa! Slow you're roll there, I'm only human. Mere mortal right here, let's not get carried away here."
All of those things are essential to any kind of growth, all of those things are necessary for success.
When I started this journey, which there have been several 'starting over points' I never expected to be asked to change myself as much as I find myself changing. It's a bit overwhelming some times.
I don't think you choose when you love someone, but I think you can choose when to stop loving someone. I fell in love with this person despite every effort not to, because I knew in my soul, in my heart of hearts that this was not it for me. Not this time.
I have loved this individual with my whole heart, soul, being and there is a part of me that sincerely wishes that things could be different. As difficult as it is though, I have to remind myself that I don't truly believe that I'm it for them either.
The two of us have spent so much time together, have shared so much and have grown so much together, as a couple, as friends. There's been a part of my heart that has held steadfast to them because I remember all too well what that was like, and how it made me feel.
But I'm slowly coming to the realization that, the best thing we can do for each other and for ourselves is to let that love go. It was beautiful, and special, and brought me a life that I never thought I was capable of having. I've been slow to accept that there is someone else who will love and cherish me, and fulfill me in every way, and I for them-in this direction that I am heading, this path and purpose for this life.
And I believe wholeheartedly that there is someone out there for them too, who can connect and care for them in ways that I simply cannot.
I will always treasure them, and I sincerely hope that they will always be a good friend of mine. But now is the time to say goodbye, and to release that love and set the intention for them that when the time is right, they find their soulmate.
I can feel my own approaching, which strangely, doesn't make this easier. But knowing that there is genuine happiness outside of this person does. Knowing that there is genuine happiness out there for them makes it easier to let go, to say goodbye to them so that I can say hello to myself and my future.
Love is quite the mystery...
Friday, June 12, 2015
Looking in an Honest Mirror
Hey there lovies,
It's been a little while since I've talked about some of the
more personal, nonspiritual aspects of my life so I thought that I would give a
little bit of an update. I get the feeling that there are a lot of people out
there who are under the impression that because someone might take a spiritual
approach to life that we do not face the same struggles as someone who takes a
more 'traditional religious' road or even a path free of any form of faith. Or
that because of our perspective that we are able to maintain that perspective
at all times and that we don't ever face times of doubt.
Both of which are untrue.
While all of the work that was done during my Open Heart series
and all of the progress was made, which was surprisingly successful, there is
still a lot of work to be done. I have mentioned in previous posts touching
briefly on certain aspects of my shadowself that are particularly difficult to
deal with when they make themselves known.
I was having a recent conversation with a close friend of
mine about the struggles I've been facing recently, and they asked me if I had
been maintaining my practice, and I admitted that I had been shying away from
it a bit because of how I worry about infusing my practice with negativity.
Which I realize might sound silly, because one of the main
reasons people turn to their faith of choice when they are struggling. In fact
when I began walking this path again almost three years ago it was because I
was facing a major crisis and desperately felt like I needed something to hold
on to, something to serve as an anchor.
Now being as immersed as I am and as dedicated as I want to
be, it fills me with no end of guilt that I am afraid of what I might be
confronted with by working too closely with my guides; which stems from being
worried about not being able to handle what is happening in other aspects of my
life.
I've slowly been working on releasing the reins of control
and being content with doing my best. I've been told that this is not uncommon
but I have a tendency to hold myself to higher standards than I hold everyone
else which often leads to me stressing and psyching myself out over 'not doing
enough' or 'not doing well enough' when in reality I am doing just fine.
I also have a nasty habit of reliving conversations or events
that hold a lot of negative feelings, perpetuating negative cycles. I also have
the tendency to compartmentalize issues to the point where I literally forget
about them, at least until they become a raging monster and infinitely more
difficult to deal with.
There have been times in the past where things in my life have gotten so out of hand where it really feels like there is no way out-which is not true, no matter how difficult things seem.
It's occurred to me for some time that if I am really going to get a handle of things, on my life and live it the way I know it can be lived there are changes that must be made; figuring out how to make those choices in a way that they stick and are effective is a matter unto itself.
There have been times in the past where things in my life have gotten so out of hand where it really feels like there is no way out-which is not true, no matter how difficult things seem.
It's occurred to me for some time that if I am really going to get a handle of things, on my life and live it the way I know it can be lived there are changes that must be made; figuring out how to make those choices in a way that they stick and are effective is a matter unto itself.
Earlier in the year I pulled a tarot card that would represent the theme of 2015 and it was a simple, yet loaded word: Choice.
Every day, every moment is a choice; even the seemingly most insignificant moments of our lives present us with a choice. Sometimes making those choices are more difficult than others, not acting, or responding are choices.
It's difficult to remember that some times, and some times we just don't feel like hearing it; we become desensitized to the sentiment.
While it's been something I know I have needed for quiet some time, I have done some research and reached out to a counselor for some professional assistance in getting my life on a healthier track and a better idea of what is causing my struggles so that I can deal with them on every aspect, not just a spiritual one.
I know that not everyone agrees one way or the other about any form of assistance or treatment, depending on where you're coming from. But just like I have said about working with guides, or with crystals and stones; you are the priority. Do what needs to be done for you.
This is something I feel confident about doing. I've always had an idea of what the root of my problems might have been, but I've never been entirely sure how to full identify or even fully heal. This is something I owe myself if I want to move forward and continue moving forward.
Am I scared?
I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous about taking this step. I have no illusions about how difficult the work might be, but I do have hopes for what the results will look like.
Light and love to you all dears,
Thealynn
Monday, February 9, 2015
Not An Ending But A Beginning
Hello lovies,
Welcome to Part Ten and the Final Installment of my Open Heart Series.
I'm sure that I have mentioned at least once before how I wasn't entirely sure what I was expecting when I started this journey, where it would take me. I certainly did not expect it to grow into what is has become though I couldn't be happier with it.
Admittedly it's hard for me to know what to say here because well, I know that for me, the journey isn't over. It is something that I will continue possibly for the rest of my life, because once a heart is healed, what good is it if left unattended or locked away to prevent future damage? A closed heart is not a heart that can extend or receive love, and hasn't that been the whole point?
For the last several days I have been working on another writing project, that in time I am sure will make some sort of appearance here, but until that time I am keeping it a private matter.
Apart from that project the last time that I really wrote a piece for this blog was two weeks ago. I experienced a mini writing marathon where I wanted everything to be prepared to just publish on the correlating day and it has worked well, until now.
I became completely focused on the middle of this series, of this process that I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about the conclusion. When I originally started work on this series I anticipated using the experience of the latest full moon ritual to prepare me for this and in some ways it has.
The series itself did more for me in terms of healing, understanding, and opening up in more ways then I ever could have imagined.
Over the course of these past few weeks I have let go of so much hurt and resentment, I have learned how to open myself up in new ways, and I even connected with deity in a very profound way.
This journey may not be over, but I have the next step within my sight, which is truly a blessing in and of itself.
In light and love,
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
Welcome to Part Ten and the Final Installment of my Open Heart Series.
I'm sure that I have mentioned at least once before how I wasn't entirely sure what I was expecting when I started this journey, where it would take me. I certainly did not expect it to grow into what is has become though I couldn't be happier with it.
Admittedly it's hard for me to know what to say here because well, I know that for me, the journey isn't over. It is something that I will continue possibly for the rest of my life, because once a heart is healed, what good is it if left unattended or locked away to prevent future damage? A closed heart is not a heart that can extend or receive love, and hasn't that been the whole point?
For the last several days I have been working on another writing project, that in time I am sure will make some sort of appearance here, but until that time I am keeping it a private matter.
Apart from that project the last time that I really wrote a piece for this blog was two weeks ago. I experienced a mini writing marathon where I wanted everything to be prepared to just publish on the correlating day and it has worked well, until now.
I became completely focused on the middle of this series, of this process that I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about the conclusion. When I originally started work on this series I anticipated using the experience of the latest full moon ritual to prepare me for this and in some ways it has.
The series itself did more for me in terms of healing, understanding, and opening up in more ways then I ever could have imagined.
Over the course of these past few weeks I have let go of so much hurt and resentment, I have learned how to open myself up in new ways, and I even connected with deity in a very profound way.
This journey may not be over, but I have the next step within my sight, which is truly a blessing in and of itself.
In light and love,
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
Friday, January 30, 2015
Whisperings of a Ghost
Good morning lovies,
Welcome to Part Seven of my Open Heart Series!
If you have not read the previous parts of this series I would encourage you to follow the links below so that you can get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journeys of how, why, and how to!
Following pieces of this series will include ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.
Previous Series Postings
OHNMR
OHNMRT
Behind Door Number Two
Why Answer the Why
When Guides Come Knocking
Grounding and Bubble Meditations
So without further ado!
This is very much an unexpected addition to my Open Heart series, but I believe it may be one of the most significant.
For those who are unaware, we are currently experiencing what we call Mercury Retrograde. This is a period of a few weeks in which Mercury appears to travel backwards on its axis. This is mostly observed by the pagan community as something to be weary of because it causes disruptions in communication, technology, seems to slow down the progress of projects and overall it can just feel like an unpleasant time.
However there are some positives that can come along with Mercury Retrograde that I discussed on my Facebook Page, so if you're curious follow the link. One thing that I will mention is that Mercury Retrograde can some times bring in people from your past wanting to reconnect.
Without spending too much time on details, suffice it to say that there is one side of the family that I have not had consistent contact with for the last 20 years. Some interaction here and there, but nothing terribly serious.
I’m guessing that between opening myself and my heart to the Universe for my highest good and Mercury being in retrograde is what helped the stars to align causing me to get a fairly abrupt message from one of my biological father’s sisters, being my aunt. She has said before how much she has wanted to get together over the last several months, but nothing has ever come of it.
After some seemingly convoluted conversations which really did turn out to be misunderstands, we had lunch last week. What started out as my aunt, uncle and myself turned into two of my other aunts from that same side joining us.
It was the first time in almost three years since I had seen any of them, and even longer since we had spent real time together. Over the course of lunch they asked me if I was interested in seeing my biological father whom I have not seen or spoken to in 20 years. Minus one painful denial of my existence at the mall when I was 15.
I thought for a moment and realized that I really have nothing to lose by doing so. That I have an amazing opportunity to help clear up some understandably made assumptions, to help provide healing and understanding, and forgiveness in the hopes that others will be able to start forgiving themselves.
I realize all too well how much I do not owe anyone anything, and I almost surprised myself at how much the thought didn’t enter my mind until way after I had made my decision.
I’ve been called to change my perspective, and to not miss the forest for the trees.
Even though my father was not around when I was growing up, even though he did some down right criminal acts, he really did the best thing for me by allowing me to be adopted by another man whom I love as my father and staying out of my life. I was able to become the person I am because he let me go. In that one simple yet heart breaking act, he put his children, including me first. And I love him for that.
As I was thinking about whether or not I wanted to share this right away or to wait, I heard a frog croaking outside. I'd been house sitting for almost a week, and this was the first time I have heard a frog, and not just during this visit, but EVER as I am a frequent visitor.
I heard it only a handful of times, but I felt instantly called to pull out the copy of Animal Speak by Ted Andrews and look up frog medicine. It almost brought tears to my eyes. I won't go into that much here as I really could write an entire blog post on frog medicine and the connection that I have to it.
This is was the confirmation from the Universe that I am going to play a crucial role in helping to heal my father’s heart. I know full well and accept that the real healing will have to come from him, and that it will have to be his choice. But I will be the doorway for him, I will be the one to help him understand and put pieces together. I will be able to answer questions that he has never had the answers to.
I realize that it might sound like a burden, or some form of family obligation. But I see it as an immense privilege, as an incredible opportunity. I don’t feel as though I am walking into a situation that I am unprepared for, or am somehow fulfilling a family duty.
I am approaching this as a daughter to her father, expressing gratitude and forgiveness that is long overdue. Even though I believed this to be a closed door, and I felt like I had as much closure as I was going to get, I feel that this is the chance I never thought I would have,
As I said before, I do have a loving father in my life, and I know that I would not be the person that I am without him. But I see something so beautiful in at least attempting to heal this relationship. Not that I believe in putting all of the blame for my 'heart troubles' but I do see the loss of my father as the first heart break of my life.
I was a small child when everything happened but I still carry memories and scars from the events leading up to, during and after the divorce. These are scars that are so old and buried so deep that most times I forget that they are there. And I would argue that they do not affect my daily life.
But in those short hours that I spent with my aunts I learned more about my father then I ever knew before. There are a few things that we share, and it's already answered some questions I didn't know that I had.
I had a friend ask me why I was doing this, and I did not want to go into the spiritual reasons behind my decision, so I thought about it for quite some time. And it only occurred to me as I was writing this how much I owe this to myself. I've denied myself this chance in the past, but I knew then and I reaffirm now that I wasn't ready before, but I know that I am now.
I can't say that I expect us to be a happy family again, I can't say that I expect anything really. I think if I were to do so it would ruin the integrity of the event. I might not be that little girl in sundresses any more, but I am still his child, and that is how I am going into our phone call this afternoon.
Even if this ends up not going anywhere, if one of both of us decide that it's not working, at least we can say that we tried, which is more then I've ever had before.
As I wait hour the hours I am not focusing so much on what we will talk about, I only set the intention that it will be what we both need.
Sending you light and love,
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
Welcome to Part Seven of my Open Heart Series!
If you have not read the previous parts of this series I would encourage you to follow the links below so that you can get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journeys of how, why, and how to!
Following pieces of this series will include ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.
Previous Series Postings
OHNMR
OHNMRT
Behind Door Number Two
Why Answer the Why
When Guides Come Knocking
Grounding and Bubble Meditations
So without further ado!
This is very much an unexpected addition to my Open Heart series, but I believe it may be one of the most significant.
For those who are unaware, we are currently experiencing what we call Mercury Retrograde. This is a period of a few weeks in which Mercury appears to travel backwards on its axis. This is mostly observed by the pagan community as something to be weary of because it causes disruptions in communication, technology, seems to slow down the progress of projects and overall it can just feel like an unpleasant time.
However there are some positives that can come along with Mercury Retrograde that I discussed on my Facebook Page, so if you're curious follow the link. One thing that I will mention is that Mercury Retrograde can some times bring in people from your past wanting to reconnect.
Without spending too much time on details, suffice it to say that there is one side of the family that I have not had consistent contact with for the last 20 years. Some interaction here and there, but nothing terribly serious.
I’m guessing that between opening myself and my heart to the Universe for my highest good and Mercury being in retrograde is what helped the stars to align causing me to get a fairly abrupt message from one of my biological father’s sisters, being my aunt. She has said before how much she has wanted to get together over the last several months, but nothing has ever come of it.
After some seemingly convoluted conversations which really did turn out to be misunderstands, we had lunch last week. What started out as my aunt, uncle and myself turned into two of my other aunts from that same side joining us.
It was the first time in almost three years since I had seen any of them, and even longer since we had spent real time together. Over the course of lunch they asked me if I was interested in seeing my biological father whom I have not seen or spoken to in 20 years. Minus one painful denial of my existence at the mall when I was 15.
I thought for a moment and realized that I really have nothing to lose by doing so. That I have an amazing opportunity to help clear up some understandably made assumptions, to help provide healing and understanding, and forgiveness in the hopes that others will be able to start forgiving themselves.
I realize all too well how much I do not owe anyone anything, and I almost surprised myself at how much the thought didn’t enter my mind until way after I had made my decision.
I’ve been called to change my perspective, and to not miss the forest for the trees.
Even though my father was not around when I was growing up, even though he did some down right criminal acts, he really did the best thing for me by allowing me to be adopted by another man whom I love as my father and staying out of my life. I was able to become the person I am because he let me go. In that one simple yet heart breaking act, he put his children, including me first. And I love him for that.
As I was thinking about whether or not I wanted to share this right away or to wait, I heard a frog croaking outside. I'd been house sitting for almost a week, and this was the first time I have heard a frog, and not just during this visit, but EVER as I am a frequent visitor.
I heard it only a handful of times, but I felt instantly called to pull out the copy of Animal Speak by Ted Andrews and look up frog medicine. It almost brought tears to my eyes. I won't go into that much here as I really could write an entire blog post on frog medicine and the connection that I have to it.
This is was the confirmation from the Universe that I am going to play a crucial role in helping to heal my father’s heart. I know full well and accept that the real healing will have to come from him, and that it will have to be his choice. But I will be the doorway for him, I will be the one to help him understand and put pieces together. I will be able to answer questions that he has never had the answers to.
I realize that it might sound like a burden, or some form of family obligation. But I see it as an immense privilege, as an incredible opportunity. I don’t feel as though I am walking into a situation that I am unprepared for, or am somehow fulfilling a family duty.
I am approaching this as a daughter to her father, expressing gratitude and forgiveness that is long overdue. Even though I believed this to be a closed door, and I felt like I had as much closure as I was going to get, I feel that this is the chance I never thought I would have,
As I said before, I do have a loving father in my life, and I know that I would not be the person that I am without him. But I see something so beautiful in at least attempting to heal this relationship. Not that I believe in putting all of the blame for my 'heart troubles' but I do see the loss of my father as the first heart break of my life.
I was a small child when everything happened but I still carry memories and scars from the events leading up to, during and after the divorce. These are scars that are so old and buried so deep that most times I forget that they are there. And I would argue that they do not affect my daily life.
But in those short hours that I spent with my aunts I learned more about my father then I ever knew before. There are a few things that we share, and it's already answered some questions I didn't know that I had.
I had a friend ask me why I was doing this, and I did not want to go into the spiritual reasons behind my decision, so I thought about it for quite some time. And it only occurred to me as I was writing this how much I owe this to myself. I've denied myself this chance in the past, but I knew then and I reaffirm now that I wasn't ready before, but I know that I am now.
I can't say that I expect us to be a happy family again, I can't say that I expect anything really. I think if I were to do so it would ruin the integrity of the event. I might not be that little girl in sundresses any more, but I am still his child, and that is how I am going into our phone call this afternoon.
Even if this ends up not going anywhere, if one of both of us decide that it's not working, at least we can say that we tried, which is more then I've ever had before.
As I wait hour the hours I am not focusing so much on what we will talk about, I only set the intention that it will be what we both need.
Sending you light and love,
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
Friday, January 23, 2015
When Guides Come Knocking
Hello lovies,
Welcome to Part Five of my Open Heart Series!
If you have not read the previous parts of this series I would encourage you to follow the links below so that you can get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journey of how, why, and how to!
Following pieces of this series will include some meditations that I find helpful, ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.
Previous Series Postings
OHNMR
OHNMRT
Behind Door Number Two
Why Answer the Why
So without further ado!
Prior to getting into the meditation, I'm going to provide a bit of context. That's right folks, we are jumping right in today! Whoohoo!! (You're still in for a long post, I warned you yesterday.)
Several months ago, I made a seemingly immediate and strong connection with someone. We had a brief encounter and continued to talk intermittently but nothing significant changed. Despite being perfectly content in my single life, I couldn't shake the connection we had made. I ended up with a fairly intense infatuation which I found quiet irritating. I knew nothing was going to develop between us, but that didn't seem to matter.
I was venting my frustration to one of my good friends and she suggested to me that, "Maybe your chakras were just wide open when you got together, and now he's just under your skin."
As previously stated, I am not well versed in charka work, so I wasn't entirely sure what she meant, but it sounded right. I decided the only thing to do was to wait it out, let whatever was going on with me run it's course and then I would be done with it. A few weeks later I felt like nothing had changed, so I opted to do a reading for myself to hopefully gain some insight on what I should be doing.
I ended up doing a series of five readings. Not all about the same thing mind you, and not even with the same deck. Doing so many readings in a row is not something that I would recommend simply because messages can get muddled and distorted and boy howdy is it draining. When I sat down to read I had no intention of doing so many, I just let my intuition guide me.
There was one resounding theme in every one of the readings I did-meditate, consult your guides. If that's not enough of a sign then I don't know what is. I did not do this right away as I was getting ready for finals, plus my energy was not focused, it was all over the place.
When I was in a place where I felt like I had enough energy to really commit to it, I decided that I had not Journeyed in a while and figured that would be the best way to do so. When I talk about Journeying, I am referring to the Shamanic practice as I was trained in 2011.
I set my music, took a few deep breaths and spent a good ten minutes trying to hone my focus. Let me tell you, it was just not happening. I began to get frustrated because I had never experienced resistance in the past, and I wasn't quiet sure what to do about it.
It occurred to me that perhaps I simply wasn't grounded enough, and that perhaps doing a quick grounding meditation would be helpful. As I was preparing myself for that I just felt that either I was going to meditate or I was going to Journey. My solution to the dilemma was to use some grounding crystals and try to Journey again.
I went to my desk that also serves as my alter space and reached in blindly for my crystals, trusting that I would know them by touch. I had a mind to use Hematite, or Tiger's Eye which I mentioned in my last post. I would have even been happy with my Tree Root Agate, I ended up with White Howlite and Emerald. I felt a resistance in my body when I went to put them back, clearly these were the ones I was meant to use.
Before settling down again I put on my wolf pendant that I always wear when I meditate or do Journey work, I feel that it creates a link back to the physical plane, and I always feel a great sense of protection when I wear it. You can see a photo of it here. I was also wearing my rose quartz point.
When I meditate with crystals, I usually cross my legs and rest my closed palms on my knees. I didn't do that this time, with a stone in each hand I rested my hands together with my palms facing each other. After just a few breaths I could feel the energies of the crystals working together and creating a kind of helix around me, and I although I couldn't see in my mind's eye where I was or where I was going, I could feel movement. When the feeling settled I felt myself looking around, but still not seeing anything, I called out,
"Hello, is someone there?" I heard a soft chuckle and felt a very warm and feminine presence.
"Oh, my daughter, you grow more beautiful every time I see you." I felt a kiss on each cheek and a smile on her face.
"I'm sorry, I don't recognize your voice." Still in a state of darkness and not wanting to be rude, I attempted to find out her identity.
"What matters is that you called, and I am the One Who Answers." I nodded, only an idiot would argue with that.
We discussed the readings, and the underlining tones of a romance, she spoke to me in a way that was somewhere between a loving parent and a best girlfriend. I expressed her how I hadn't been able to shake the familiarity I felt and more so the fact that he had felt it too. How I felt stuck between trying not to get any kind of hope up, and at the same time acknowledging how important it was being in a place where in fact, I was trying not to get any kind of hope up. I even felt bold enough to ask her if there was a chance that this was not the first life that we had crossed paths. She laughed, and it sounded like music.
"Oh my dear, you'll find that most men you feel drawn to have an air of familiarity. There is a reason they seek you out in this life." I didn't feel the need to inquire further, that in and of itself was enough to consider. By the time our conversation was drawing to a close I could see the sun on the horizon and that we were on a warm beach. The tide was gently coming in as if the ocean itself was slowly waking up. I was finally able to see my guide; she was an unnaturally beautiful woman with creamy skin, golden hair and hazel eyes, wearing what appeared to be a white and sky blue toga inspired dress.
It occurred to me somewhere in the back of my mind that I might be receiving counseling from Aphrodite, but thought it unlikely. Rather than ask again, I thanked her for her guidance. With one last smile she transformed into a dove, and flew away. I stayed for a moment to allow her message to sink in a bit more and to enjoy the warmth of the sand under my bare feet. As I was about to bring myself back, I heard a voice ringing out to me,
"Don't break the connection." So I waited. A series of heart beats passed me by and I was in a forest clearing. Hearing a noise behind me I slowly turned around, there was a black bodied centaur across the clearing. I could feel my breath catch in my throat; I almost couldn't believe what I was seeing. I had a psychic reading done a month or so prior to this and during the reading I was told that one of my spirit guides was centaur. While it resonated with me, I hadn't interacted with this guide up until this point.
When the reader originally described the vision to me, he said that when he first saw my guide, its back was facing him, just as it was with me.
"Are you...?" When she turned to face me, she had a very knowledgeable and patient face.
"Oh yes, it's me. I've been waiting for you." I was flabbergasted. It had been some time since I had worked so openly with a new guide, and now I was two for two. "Well, don't be shy girl, come closer."
I did as she instructed, hesitant at first. She gave me a small soft smile plainly sensing my uncertainty. I returned the gesture and confidence replace the hesitation. We spoke of patience, of stubbornness, of a determined spirit. She spoke to me about my heart, and the way I view the world. Without much thought as to how, I found myself on her back.
"Try seeing things the way I see them. I will always have a wider perspective then you simply because of what I am, but you can learn to observe from my point of view. I know that your patience has been worn thin, and that you have begun to feel the energy of your mate, but patience is key. You are of the Earth, as am I. It is our greatest strength, harness it, do not fear it. To do so would mean that you fear yourself."
As I sat on her back I felt a complete sense of calm, I felt grounded, and strong. I tried to do as she instructed, starting simply by noticing how different the forest looked with only a few feet off of the ground.
"As tempting as it is, remember this, do not miss the forest for the trees." She turned her head to look at me, her eyes piercing and wise. "When you feel yourself struggling, call to me. I will send you strength and revive your spirit." I nodded silently, trying to take everything in as it was, not wanting to forget a single detail.
In the midst of it all though, I felt something else. I could feel another energy approaching, this time masculine. I dismounted as the energy was too familiar for me not to feel certain I knew who approached. Through the brush a wolf appeared, but it wasn't the wolf I was expecting. Rather than a white wolf or grey wolf as I was used to seeing, this wolf was black. Unsure of what to make of this I looked over to my guide for reassurance but she was far off. Still within my sight but she was making it clear that I was on my own for this one.
Then I remembered another detail that the reader shared with me. During the reading he saw my guide standing next to a black wolf, but the wolf was not a representation of my guide, it was a representation of my partner for this life. As I turned back to the wolf, it began to change, and took the shape of a man. There were no discernible features that I could make out, it was if his shadow had come in his place.
I stood there in complete shock, at a complete loss for words-what the hell was happening?! Never before had another's energy or guide entered my meditation. This was an invite only kind of gathering, and I did not send out invitations.
"I don't understand..." The shadow seemed to chuckle. I looked back to my guide again hoping that maybe she would explain, this time the wolf was with her, standing side by side just like the reader had described.
"I'm sorry for surprising you, I honestly don't expect to get away with this a second time." The shadow's voice was deep and kind. Looking back in his direction I was still trying to wrap my head around what was taking place. He had moved and was now standing before me, taking my hands in his.
"You don't have to say anything, I'm sure this was the last thing you were expecting." It must have been reflex, why I looked into what would have been his face, and somehow without any indication of facial features, I could sense that his expression was filled with the utmost tenderness.
"Now, I know you've told this to yourself before, because I suspect you'll end up saying it to me when we finally do meet." Raising his hand he tucked some hair behind my ear, his would-be eyes intent on me.
"You know deep in your heart that you are not ready for me to be with you. Just as much as you know that you are not ready to be with me. We still have growing to do, self-discoveries that can only be done apart and because of that they are only going to make us appreciate each other and ourselves that much more." He took a moment to sigh and look at me, (if you can call it looking) as if his subconscious were trying to memorize me so that way I would be easier to find later on.
"I wish I could convey to you how much I know that I already love you. I want nothing more than to show you how precious you are to me. But if we were to meet tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to do that. The man I am right now would run away from you so fast because the man I am right now doesn't know how to appreciate someone as wondrous as you. You deserve the very best that I can possibly give, and the man before you now, well. Not only does he not have the foggiest idea of how to do that, but he's also too selfish."
Despite myself I started to laugh, by this point all I could do was just let whatever was going to happen, happen. Regardless of whether my higher self was doing this to prove a point, or my future partner really had found his way to me, I needed to hear it. Somewhere in the midst of everything it occurred to me that I had become a shadow form too. I hadn't realized up until that point of how connected I felt to this being, so much so that I felt engulfed by his presence. I felt warm and safe, it felt familiar and strange and new all at once.
"I know that I have no right asking anything of you, so I'll put it this way instead. Let us both agree to give ourselves our best chance; let us continue to focus on ourselves, whatever comes our way. It's the best thing we can do for ourselves, and each other." His voice carried resolved, but it sounded hard earned.
I was silent for a moment, feeling a slight struggle within myself. Being as deep into my meditation as I suspected I must have been, I decided to save any debates that were waiting for me until after I was back and grounded. I can only assume that my silence was taken as an agreement, because he spoke again.
"If nothing else I say is remembered, please just know that I am getting to you as fast as I can. My daily conscious may not know it yet, but the part of me that is here with you now, wants to spend every possible day with you." I took a breath and a step back, but did not let go of his hands, suddenly afraid that I might find myself lost in this magical place where a soul's heart could reach me.
For a moment I tried to decipher if the presence before me really was a manifestation of his soul reaching out to me, or if my higher self was feeling particularly elaborate that day. After a moment of studying the shadow man before me I came to the conclusion that it did not really matter. The message itself was the important thing, and I reconciled that as much as I wanted us to be ready for each other, that simply wasn't the case.
I could feel my physical shape starting to return, but before I lost the shadowy essence that so perfectly connected the two of us, I closed my eyes and let my inner light encircle my being. Opening my eyes, I could see he was still dark as night, but I was a shimmering white. While we were connected by our inner essence, we were separate individuals.
"Hopefully this will serve as a reminder." I'm not sure if saying so was more for my benefit or his, but I thought I should at least say something. With reluctance I released his hands and turned to go, making a doorway which opened to a winding staircase that would bring me back down.
"You realize that I'll be able to find you that way. When we meet again, I'll notice that white light around you."
Looking over my shoulder it appeared as though a hand rested in his pocket. Smiling I answered, "Well, it's not really for you, is it?"
He chuckled, "No, it's all for you."
...
After I came out of my meditation I had to just sit for a while and breath, trying to memorize everything that my guides told me, trying to memorize the whole experience really. Then I remembered the stones, so of course I had to remind myself of their properties. I have a little journal I keep with all of the stones in my possession as well as some brief notes about each one.
White Howlite helps with awareness. It can prepare the user or wearer to receive wisdom from the Higher Self and the Divine.
That was enough to rock my socks off. I was filled with this impending, 'This is the mother load' feeling as I flipped through the pages of my journal.
Emerald was thought to preserve love, as well as being a long time symbol of hope. It is considered by many to be the stone of prophecy. For some the emerald acts as a tranquilizer for a troubled mind.
Never before had my intuition so clearly guided me. There was still one thing I was curious about. Only once before has such a specific deity come to me, so I searched for goddesses associated with doves.
The first result I came across was a blog post talking about Aphrodite and her connection to doves. I decided to dig a little be more and found that Emerald is considered the stone of Aphrodite. My jaw dropped, I had no clue prior to any of this about those connections. My mind was officially blown.
This meditative experience is something that I am going to remember for the rest of my life. It was such a profound experience for me, so much so that I don't expect it to happen again. I am certainly open to it don't get me wrong, but meditation, whether to clear your mind or to reach out to your guides is about being open to what they have for you. I wasn't sure what I was going to get or who was going to be there (clearly!) but I trusted in the Universe, and I trusted in my guides. That is how meditations should be.
I hope that you have been enjoying the Open Heart Series so far, as there is more to come! Next I'll be sharing a few different techniques for meditating, some tips on how I've connected with my guides and how you can connect with yours.
Sending you light and love as always until next time,
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
Welcome to Part Five of my Open Heart Series!
If you have not read the previous parts of this series I would encourage you to follow the links below so that you can get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journey of how, why, and how to!
Following pieces of this series will include some meditations that I find helpful, ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.
Previous Series Postings
OHNMR
OHNMRT
Behind Door Number Two
Why Answer the Why
So without further ado!
Prior to getting into the meditation, I'm going to provide a bit of context. That's right folks, we are jumping right in today! Whoohoo!! (You're still in for a long post, I warned you yesterday.)
Several months ago, I made a seemingly immediate and strong connection with someone. We had a brief encounter and continued to talk intermittently but nothing significant changed. Despite being perfectly content in my single life, I couldn't shake the connection we had made. I ended up with a fairly intense infatuation which I found quiet irritating. I knew nothing was going to develop between us, but that didn't seem to matter.
I was venting my frustration to one of my good friends and she suggested to me that, "Maybe your chakras were just wide open when you got together, and now he's just under your skin."
As previously stated, I am not well versed in charka work, so I wasn't entirely sure what she meant, but it sounded right. I decided the only thing to do was to wait it out, let whatever was going on with me run it's course and then I would be done with it. A few weeks later I felt like nothing had changed, so I opted to do a reading for myself to hopefully gain some insight on what I should be doing.
I ended up doing a series of five readings. Not all about the same thing mind you, and not even with the same deck. Doing so many readings in a row is not something that I would recommend simply because messages can get muddled and distorted and boy howdy is it draining. When I sat down to read I had no intention of doing so many, I just let my intuition guide me.
There was one resounding theme in every one of the readings I did-meditate, consult your guides. If that's not enough of a sign then I don't know what is. I did not do this right away as I was getting ready for finals, plus my energy was not focused, it was all over the place.
When I was in a place where I felt like I had enough energy to really commit to it, I decided that I had not Journeyed in a while and figured that would be the best way to do so. When I talk about Journeying, I am referring to the Shamanic practice as I was trained in 2011.
I set my music, took a few deep breaths and spent a good ten minutes trying to hone my focus. Let me tell you, it was just not happening. I began to get frustrated because I had never experienced resistance in the past, and I wasn't quiet sure what to do about it.
It occurred to me that perhaps I simply wasn't grounded enough, and that perhaps doing a quick grounding meditation would be helpful. As I was preparing myself for that I just felt that either I was going to meditate or I was going to Journey. My solution to the dilemma was to use some grounding crystals and try to Journey again.
I went to my desk that also serves as my alter space and reached in blindly for my crystals, trusting that I would know them by touch. I had a mind to use Hematite, or Tiger's Eye which I mentioned in my last post. I would have even been happy with my Tree Root Agate, I ended up with White Howlite and Emerald. I felt a resistance in my body when I went to put them back, clearly these were the ones I was meant to use.
Before settling down again I put on my wolf pendant that I always wear when I meditate or do Journey work, I feel that it creates a link back to the physical plane, and I always feel a great sense of protection when I wear it. You can see a photo of it here. I was also wearing my rose quartz point.
When I meditate with crystals, I usually cross my legs and rest my closed palms on my knees. I didn't do that this time, with a stone in each hand I rested my hands together with my palms facing each other. After just a few breaths I could feel the energies of the crystals working together and creating a kind of helix around me, and I although I couldn't see in my mind's eye where I was or where I was going, I could feel movement. When the feeling settled I felt myself looking around, but still not seeing anything, I called out,
"Hello, is someone there?" I heard a soft chuckle and felt a very warm and feminine presence.
"Oh, my daughter, you grow more beautiful every time I see you." I felt a kiss on each cheek and a smile on her face.
"I'm sorry, I don't recognize your voice." Still in a state of darkness and not wanting to be rude, I attempted to find out her identity.
"What matters is that you called, and I am the One Who Answers." I nodded, only an idiot would argue with that.
We discussed the readings, and the underlining tones of a romance, she spoke to me in a way that was somewhere between a loving parent and a best girlfriend. I expressed her how I hadn't been able to shake the familiarity I felt and more so the fact that he had felt it too. How I felt stuck between trying not to get any kind of hope up, and at the same time acknowledging how important it was being in a place where in fact, I was trying not to get any kind of hope up. I even felt bold enough to ask her if there was a chance that this was not the first life that we had crossed paths. She laughed, and it sounded like music.
"Oh my dear, you'll find that most men you feel drawn to have an air of familiarity. There is a reason they seek you out in this life." I didn't feel the need to inquire further, that in and of itself was enough to consider. By the time our conversation was drawing to a close I could see the sun on the horizon and that we were on a warm beach. The tide was gently coming in as if the ocean itself was slowly waking up. I was finally able to see my guide; she was an unnaturally beautiful woman with creamy skin, golden hair and hazel eyes, wearing what appeared to be a white and sky blue toga inspired dress.
It occurred to me somewhere in the back of my mind that I might be receiving counseling from Aphrodite, but thought it unlikely. Rather than ask again, I thanked her for her guidance. With one last smile she transformed into a dove, and flew away. I stayed for a moment to allow her message to sink in a bit more and to enjoy the warmth of the sand under my bare feet. As I was about to bring myself back, I heard a voice ringing out to me,
"Don't break the connection." So I waited. A series of heart beats passed me by and I was in a forest clearing. Hearing a noise behind me I slowly turned around, there was a black bodied centaur across the clearing. I could feel my breath catch in my throat; I almost couldn't believe what I was seeing. I had a psychic reading done a month or so prior to this and during the reading I was told that one of my spirit guides was centaur. While it resonated with me, I hadn't interacted with this guide up until this point.
When the reader originally described the vision to me, he said that when he first saw my guide, its back was facing him, just as it was with me.
"Are you...?" When she turned to face me, she had a very knowledgeable and patient face.
"Oh yes, it's me. I've been waiting for you." I was flabbergasted. It had been some time since I had worked so openly with a new guide, and now I was two for two. "Well, don't be shy girl, come closer."
I did as she instructed, hesitant at first. She gave me a small soft smile plainly sensing my uncertainty. I returned the gesture and confidence replace the hesitation. We spoke of patience, of stubbornness, of a determined spirit. She spoke to me about my heart, and the way I view the world. Without much thought as to how, I found myself on her back.
"Try seeing things the way I see them. I will always have a wider perspective then you simply because of what I am, but you can learn to observe from my point of view. I know that your patience has been worn thin, and that you have begun to feel the energy of your mate, but patience is key. You are of the Earth, as am I. It is our greatest strength, harness it, do not fear it. To do so would mean that you fear yourself."
As I sat on her back I felt a complete sense of calm, I felt grounded, and strong. I tried to do as she instructed, starting simply by noticing how different the forest looked with only a few feet off of the ground.
"As tempting as it is, remember this, do not miss the forest for the trees." She turned her head to look at me, her eyes piercing and wise. "When you feel yourself struggling, call to me. I will send you strength and revive your spirit." I nodded silently, trying to take everything in as it was, not wanting to forget a single detail.
In the midst of it all though, I felt something else. I could feel another energy approaching, this time masculine. I dismounted as the energy was too familiar for me not to feel certain I knew who approached. Through the brush a wolf appeared, but it wasn't the wolf I was expecting. Rather than a white wolf or grey wolf as I was used to seeing, this wolf was black. Unsure of what to make of this I looked over to my guide for reassurance but she was far off. Still within my sight but she was making it clear that I was on my own for this one.
Then I remembered another detail that the reader shared with me. During the reading he saw my guide standing next to a black wolf, but the wolf was not a representation of my guide, it was a representation of my partner for this life. As I turned back to the wolf, it began to change, and took the shape of a man. There were no discernible features that I could make out, it was if his shadow had come in his place.
I stood there in complete shock, at a complete loss for words-what the hell was happening?! Never before had another's energy or guide entered my meditation. This was an invite only kind of gathering, and I did not send out invitations.
"I don't understand..." The shadow seemed to chuckle. I looked back to my guide again hoping that maybe she would explain, this time the wolf was with her, standing side by side just like the reader had described.
"I'm sorry for surprising you, I honestly don't expect to get away with this a second time." The shadow's voice was deep and kind. Looking back in his direction I was still trying to wrap my head around what was taking place. He had moved and was now standing before me, taking my hands in his.
"You don't have to say anything, I'm sure this was the last thing you were expecting." It must have been reflex, why I looked into what would have been his face, and somehow without any indication of facial features, I could sense that his expression was filled with the utmost tenderness.
"Now, I know you've told this to yourself before, because I suspect you'll end up saying it to me when we finally do meet." Raising his hand he tucked some hair behind my ear, his would-be eyes intent on me.
"You know deep in your heart that you are not ready for me to be with you. Just as much as you know that you are not ready to be with me. We still have growing to do, self-discoveries that can only be done apart and because of that they are only going to make us appreciate each other and ourselves that much more." He took a moment to sigh and look at me, (if you can call it looking) as if his subconscious were trying to memorize me so that way I would be easier to find later on.
"I wish I could convey to you how much I know that I already love you. I want nothing more than to show you how precious you are to me. But if we were to meet tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to do that. The man I am right now would run away from you so fast because the man I am right now doesn't know how to appreciate someone as wondrous as you. You deserve the very best that I can possibly give, and the man before you now, well. Not only does he not have the foggiest idea of how to do that, but he's also too selfish."
Despite myself I started to laugh, by this point all I could do was just let whatever was going to happen, happen. Regardless of whether my higher self was doing this to prove a point, or my future partner really had found his way to me, I needed to hear it. Somewhere in the midst of everything it occurred to me that I had become a shadow form too. I hadn't realized up until that point of how connected I felt to this being, so much so that I felt engulfed by his presence. I felt warm and safe, it felt familiar and strange and new all at once.
"I know that I have no right asking anything of you, so I'll put it this way instead. Let us both agree to give ourselves our best chance; let us continue to focus on ourselves, whatever comes our way. It's the best thing we can do for ourselves, and each other." His voice carried resolved, but it sounded hard earned.
I was silent for a moment, feeling a slight struggle within myself. Being as deep into my meditation as I suspected I must have been, I decided to save any debates that were waiting for me until after I was back and grounded. I can only assume that my silence was taken as an agreement, because he spoke again.
"If nothing else I say is remembered, please just know that I am getting to you as fast as I can. My daily conscious may not know it yet, but the part of me that is here with you now, wants to spend every possible day with you." I took a breath and a step back, but did not let go of his hands, suddenly afraid that I might find myself lost in this magical place where a soul's heart could reach me.
For a moment I tried to decipher if the presence before me really was a manifestation of his soul reaching out to me, or if my higher self was feeling particularly elaborate that day. After a moment of studying the shadow man before me I came to the conclusion that it did not really matter. The message itself was the important thing, and I reconciled that as much as I wanted us to be ready for each other, that simply wasn't the case.
I could feel my physical shape starting to return, but before I lost the shadowy essence that so perfectly connected the two of us, I closed my eyes and let my inner light encircle my being. Opening my eyes, I could see he was still dark as night, but I was a shimmering white. While we were connected by our inner essence, we were separate individuals.
"Hopefully this will serve as a reminder." I'm not sure if saying so was more for my benefit or his, but I thought I should at least say something. With reluctance I released his hands and turned to go, making a doorway which opened to a winding staircase that would bring me back down.
"You realize that I'll be able to find you that way. When we meet again, I'll notice that white light around you."
Looking over my shoulder it appeared as though a hand rested in his pocket. Smiling I answered, "Well, it's not really for you, is it?"
He chuckled, "No, it's all for you."
...
After I came out of my meditation I had to just sit for a while and breath, trying to memorize everything that my guides told me, trying to memorize the whole experience really. Then I remembered the stones, so of course I had to remind myself of their properties. I have a little journal I keep with all of the stones in my possession as well as some brief notes about each one.
White Howlite helps with awareness. It can prepare the user or wearer to receive wisdom from the Higher Self and the Divine.
That was enough to rock my socks off. I was filled with this impending, 'This is the mother load' feeling as I flipped through the pages of my journal.
Emerald was thought to preserve love, as well as being a long time symbol of hope. It is considered by many to be the stone of prophecy. For some the emerald acts as a tranquilizer for a troubled mind.
Never before had my intuition so clearly guided me. There was still one thing I was curious about. Only once before has such a specific deity come to me, so I searched for goddesses associated with doves.
The first result I came across was a blog post talking about Aphrodite and her connection to doves. I decided to dig a little be more and found that Emerald is considered the stone of Aphrodite. My jaw dropped, I had no clue prior to any of this about those connections. My mind was officially blown.
This meditative experience is something that I am going to remember for the rest of my life. It was such a profound experience for me, so much so that I don't expect it to happen again. I am certainly open to it don't get me wrong, but meditation, whether to clear your mind or to reach out to your guides is about being open to what they have for you. I wasn't sure what I was going to get or who was going to be there (clearly!) but I trusted in the Universe, and I trusted in my guides. That is how meditations should be.
I hope that you have been enjoying the Open Heart Series so far, as there is more to come! Next I'll be sharing a few different techniques for meditating, some tips on how I've connected with my guides and how you can connect with yours.
Sending you light and love as always until next time,
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
Monday, January 19, 2015
Behind Door Number Two
Hey there lovies,
Welcome to Part Three of my Open Heart Series!
If you have not read Part One or Part Two you can click the links and get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journey of how, why, and how to!
Part Three is much more of a journal piece versus a spiritual one, but just like my Behind Door Number One, and A Little Bit Stronger posts, I feel that it is essential to the journey ahead. It will give you a little more background on me, and how I got to where I am. As we can all attest to, every journey begins with a single step, and this is my first step on a journey to heal and open my heart.
Even though this is part three in the series, this was the first post that I wrote. I had intended it to be the first post, but with the new moon so close I wanted to make sure that that the ritual and tool information was available to you as soon as possible.
Following pieces of this series will include a retelling of a of a personal meditative experience, some meditations that I find helpful, ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.
So without further ado!
In all honesty it's incredibly difficult for me to write about. Looking back to when I went to write about my anxiety it was something that I just needed to channel out of me. To get it right in front to me, to see it for what it really is. Somehow that has been easier than this.
The truth of the matter is that this is absolutely terrifying. As important as I know that it is to face and deal with all of this, it's caused some serious anxiety for me. Which unfortunately has been piled on top of other worries, so the last few days have been very hard.
Everything began piling up and before I knew it I felt like I was exactly where I started. I hate feeling so out of control, and the feelings of helplessness. It just feels as though everything that I have done hasn't been good enough, because look; I'm still here dealing with it. I haven't fixed it yet, why haven't I fixed it?
It wasn't until this most recent episode that I realized why I'm afraid to be in another relationship. I finally understood the reason why I am so scared for my life partner to actually find me.
I'm afraid of me.
I am scared and worried that even after all of the work that I have been putting in to making myself, being happy with who I am, and self-sufficient, that it won't be enough. That I won't be able to keep up my progress, that I won't be ready when he gets here.
I am terrified that no matter how hard I've tried to move on and let go of the past, that history will end up repeating itself, and that I'll have to start all over again.
When I ended my engagement almost three years ago, it almost destroyed me on every single level. It wasn't so much that the relationship was over because in reality, it had been over for a long time, I just didn't know it.
The way that it happened, the way that I was told, and learning how I had been living a lie for the previous three years, it was just too much. The events that followed were just as traumatic; seeing him move on so quickly with someone else, erasing every piece of evidence that we were ever together was just as heartbreaking.
When I began spending time with my now ex-boyfriend, I felt compelled to tell him how much I felt I wasn't ready for a relationship, how broken I felt and how I just didn't think I could be with someone again so soon.
He was understanding and compassionate, and let me call the shots. After a week of spending almost every day together, I knew I had to make a decision. I knew that I wouldn't be staying in the area, I was leaving in a matter of months, did I really want to start something?
I followed my feelings, and I am grateful everyday that I did. We were together for thirteen months, more then half were spent long distance. In that short amount of time he took care of me in a way I had never been taken care of before, he showed me what it was like to be cherished and appreciated. Something I had never experienced in an almost ten year relationship.
I still cared for him immensely when we decided to call it quits. I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do, that the situation wasn't fair to either of us, and at the time he was giving more to the relationship then I was. I knew I had to let him go. Even with all of that knowledge it took me over a year to fully let go.
I am now worlds and even lifetimes away from those days, but when I really stop to think, it hits me how it hasn't been that long. Even though I have made tremendous progress with my life and within myself, I've been able to do all of those things because I made the decision to focus on me.
I've been adamantly against being in a relationship because it occurred to me that I had never really been single in my adult life. The five months between ending one relationship and getting into another doesn't provide a lot of personal discovery time.
When things ended this last time, I was determined to not jump into anything right away. A little over a year later, I still don't necessarily feel ready to get back out there. I know that I still have work to do, and that there are things I want to be better sorted before a relationship comes knocking.
So instead of worrying about it so much, and feeding the anxiety, I am going to trust that the Universe knows what is for my highest good, and continue focusing on what I can change.
It something that it is much easier said then done, but I really believe that it is something that I can do. I certainly do not expect things to change overnight, just like I don't expect this to be an easy journey. One thing I do expect is that the rewards will be infinitely worth the effort.
Sending you light and love,
Thealynn
As an additional note, I wanted to take a moment to recognize my friend J who was patient and helpful when I was struggling to write this piece. Our conversations were exactly what I needed, your encouragement especially. You have my deepest thanks.
©2013-2015 Thealynn
Welcome to Part Three of my Open Heart Series!
If you have not read Part One or Part Two you can click the links and get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journey of how, why, and how to!
Part Three is much more of a journal piece versus a spiritual one, but just like my Behind Door Number One, and A Little Bit Stronger posts, I feel that it is essential to the journey ahead. It will give you a little more background on me, and how I got to where I am. As we can all attest to, every journey begins with a single step, and this is my first step on a journey to heal and open my heart.
Even though this is part three in the series, this was the first post that I wrote. I had intended it to be the first post, but with the new moon so close I wanted to make sure that that the ritual and tool information was available to you as soon as possible.
Following pieces of this series will include a retelling of a of a personal meditative experience, some meditations that I find helpful, ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.
So without further ado!
I will readily admit that when I decided to follow through with the Open Heart Series I wasn't entirely sure what I was getting myself into.
Since joining a couple of groups and working with like minded people I've been instilled with the courage to get out of my own head space and just follow what feels right, and it's been an amazing experience, however it's also been a huge influx of energy.
In all honesty it's been a bit overwhelming. Not in a negative sense by any means, but very draining. As I'm learning to balance school and all of the work I am doing personally, with my group and for this blog I am learning more and more the importance of working with my stones and meditating to center and ground myself.
If you've been with me for a whole then you know that I have been working on releasing fear from my life, and it's been going well so far. Until I realized how close I was getting to dealing with the number one emotional obstacle I've ever faced.
My fear of relationship getting into another relationship.
Typing that last sentence was easily one of the most difficult things I have done in this short year. But I knew that it was the first step, the second being that I would then need to figure out the big, "Why?"
In all honesty it's incredibly difficult for me to write about. Looking back to when I went to write about my anxiety it was something that I just needed to channel out of me. To get it right in front to me, to see it for what it really is. Somehow that has been easier than this.
The truth of the matter is that this is absolutely terrifying. As important as I know that it is to face and deal with all of this, it's caused some serious anxiety for me. Which unfortunately has been piled on top of other worries, so the last few days have been very hard.
Everything began piling up and before I knew it I felt like I was exactly where I started. I hate feeling so out of control, and the feelings of helplessness. It just feels as though everything that I have done hasn't been good enough, because look; I'm still here dealing with it. I haven't fixed it yet, why haven't I fixed it?
It wasn't until this most recent episode that I realized why I'm afraid to be in another relationship. I finally understood the reason why I am so scared for my life partner to actually find me.
I'm afraid of me.
I am scared and worried that even after all of the work that I have been putting in to making myself, being happy with who I am, and self-sufficient, that it won't be enough. That I won't be able to keep up my progress, that I won't be ready when he gets here.
I am terrified that no matter how hard I've tried to move on and let go of the past, that history will end up repeating itself, and that I'll have to start all over again.
When I ended my engagement almost three years ago, it almost destroyed me on every single level. It wasn't so much that the relationship was over because in reality, it had been over for a long time, I just didn't know it.
The way that it happened, the way that I was told, and learning how I had been living a lie for the previous three years, it was just too much. The events that followed were just as traumatic; seeing him move on so quickly with someone else, erasing every piece of evidence that we were ever together was just as heartbreaking.
When I began spending time with my now ex-boyfriend, I felt compelled to tell him how much I felt I wasn't ready for a relationship, how broken I felt and how I just didn't think I could be with someone again so soon.
He was understanding and compassionate, and let me call the shots. After a week of spending almost every day together, I knew I had to make a decision. I knew that I wouldn't be staying in the area, I was leaving in a matter of months, did I really want to start something?
I followed my feelings, and I am grateful everyday that I did. We were together for thirteen months, more then half were spent long distance. In that short amount of time he took care of me in a way I had never been taken care of before, he showed me what it was like to be cherished and appreciated. Something I had never experienced in an almost ten year relationship.
I still cared for him immensely when we decided to call it quits. I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do, that the situation wasn't fair to either of us, and at the time he was giving more to the relationship then I was. I knew I had to let him go. Even with all of that knowledge it took me over a year to fully let go.
I am now worlds and even lifetimes away from those days, but when I really stop to think, it hits me how it hasn't been that long. Even though I have made tremendous progress with my life and within myself, I've been able to do all of those things because I made the decision to focus on me.
I've been adamantly against being in a relationship because it occurred to me that I had never really been single in my adult life. The five months between ending one relationship and getting into another doesn't provide a lot of personal discovery time.
When things ended this last time, I was determined to not jump into anything right away. A little over a year later, I still don't necessarily feel ready to get back out there. I know that I still have work to do, and that there are things I want to be better sorted before a relationship comes knocking.
So instead of worrying about it so much, and feeding the anxiety, I am going to trust that the Universe knows what is for my highest good, and continue focusing on what I can change.
It something that it is much easier said then done, but I really believe that it is something that I can do. I certainly do not expect things to change overnight, just like I don't expect this to be an easy journey. One thing I do expect is that the rewards will be infinitely worth the effort.
Sending you light and love,
Thealynn
As an additional note, I wanted to take a moment to recognize my friend J who was patient and helpful when I was struggling to write this piece. Our conversations were exactly what I needed, your encouragement especially. You have my deepest thanks.
©2013-2015 Thealynn
Sunday, January 4, 2015
New Year, New Chapter
Hello again lovies,
I may be a bit late with the sentiment but I caught a cold for my birthday and have been snuggled up in bed with tea and my kitty cat.
Tomorrow starts the beginning of a new term at school which means a couple of things.
1. I need to somehow fix my sleep schedule real quick.
2. It is doubtful that I will be able to continue writing every couple of days has I have been doing these last few weeks.
I will continue to post while in school, I know that last time things became too overwhelming, but as most of the contributing factors are no longer an issue, I will be making an effort to post at least once a week in addition to updating the weekly oracle card. My hope is that Sunday will be my designated blog day, but please understand that the oracle card update may be all I am able to do some weeks.
Despite the cold, I am happy to be getting back to school. While my break was much needed and much appreciated, I am excited to be moving towards my goals again. This will be my third term of my first year, being on the quarter system helps break up the year and it makes me feel like I am getting much more done. It's all about perspective right?
One of the things I want to start doing with you all is sharing when I achieve a goal. As you may have read previously I have begun using the Leonie Dawson Create Your Shining Year work book, but I set one goal for myself before I began filling out the book. That goal was to fully let go and to forgive those who have hurt me and to forgive myself for hurting others.
While the list is a bit longer then I had originally thought, I was able to forgive and completely move on and let go of the two biggest names on that list. I wasn't sure I had really done it until I retrieved the last few boxes that had been somehow missed during my move.
I wasn't sure what all these boxes would hold, my ex certainly thought they were mine, and by looking at the top, he was right. But as I began to go through each one I couldn't help but laugh because the majority of the contents were in fact his!
Instead of feeling anger or resentment I continued going through the boxes separating everything between trash and donation. Rather then feeling the need to completely trash or burn his belongings I reboxed what could be donated, gave it all a good cleansing with some sage, said a blessing and now it's ready to find new homes.
It did occur to me for a very brief moment that he might want some of the things in these boxes, but it also occurred to me that if he had really been missing any of it, then all he had to do was look through them. I also remember having lunch with his mom on my birthday and how she mentioned all of the junk he had continued collecting.
I made the executive decision to follow through with my plan rather than going through the unavoidable drama of trying to return a few trinkets. At the end of the day, getting back in touch because of the boxes would only open the door that I had just firmly closed. It simply wasn't worth it.
I wanted to share this because even though it sounds like such a small thing, it's really one of the biggest changes I've made in my life. Knowing that if I believe in my heart the value of something and put my mind to it, that I can achieve it. I CAN make it happen.
Goals used to be something that intimidated me, because that meant that I needed to have a plan, and that if I didn't follow through then I was a failure.
I have completely changed my perspective on goals, and how I am going about them. Some goals are for me and my benefit, some are about helping to change the world around me. Goals are the action plan for your dreams, they help to make that dream come true.
Forgiving the people that I have, was not something I planned on doing, not even for myself. I was content to holding a space of hate for them forever. Slowly I began to realize that they would have no way of knowing that I still hated them. They would have no clue whatsoever that I still carried the burden of the experience that caused the hate.
Granted they would have no way of knowing I had forgiven them either. They would have no clue that I had picked up my life and that I am doing better without them, that I am making my life into what I want it to be.
It wasn't for them though; it was for me. Just like going through those boxes free of grudges and negativity was for me. Choosing to donate all of those clothes and items was for me. I decided late last year that 2014 would be my last year in fear. Hate is fear's partner in crime. I wasn't about to fall back into that space and that way of living when I have taken so many steps forward.
If I want to continue moving forward in all areas of my life, I need to have as little holding me back as possible. I need my heart light, and open to my intuition, and my guides. I need to be open to the Universe as I am provided with markers on this journey so that I can make the most of it.
Knowing that the first goal I made for myself is done, is such a gratifying experience. Having that mental check next to the item on that list gives me so much joy. It's not even a list I intend to keep! Feeling that space in my heart and soul empty of negativity and bitterness admitted feels strange, but now there is that much more space to fill with something much more beneficial.
Love.
I hope that you take this opportunity in the new year and full moon to release your fears and whatever else that may be keeping you from realizing your potential. If you have not already be sure to check out this weeks Oracle Card as it can help shed some light.
In love and light,
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
I may be a bit late with the sentiment but I caught a cold for my birthday and have been snuggled up in bed with tea and my kitty cat.
Tomorrow starts the beginning of a new term at school which means a couple of things.
1. I need to somehow fix my sleep schedule real quick.
2. It is doubtful that I will be able to continue writing every couple of days has I have been doing these last few weeks.
I will continue to post while in school, I know that last time things became too overwhelming, but as most of the contributing factors are no longer an issue, I will be making an effort to post at least once a week in addition to updating the weekly oracle card. My hope is that Sunday will be my designated blog day, but please understand that the oracle card update may be all I am able to do some weeks.
Despite the cold, I am happy to be getting back to school. While my break was much needed and much appreciated, I am excited to be moving towards my goals again. This will be my third term of my first year, being on the quarter system helps break up the year and it makes me feel like I am getting much more done. It's all about perspective right?
One of the things I want to start doing with you all is sharing when I achieve a goal. As you may have read previously I have begun using the Leonie Dawson Create Your Shining Year work book, but I set one goal for myself before I began filling out the book. That goal was to fully let go and to forgive those who have hurt me and to forgive myself for hurting others.
While the list is a bit longer then I had originally thought, I was able to forgive and completely move on and let go of the two biggest names on that list. I wasn't sure I had really done it until I retrieved the last few boxes that had been somehow missed during my move.
I wasn't sure what all these boxes would hold, my ex certainly thought they were mine, and by looking at the top, he was right. But as I began to go through each one I couldn't help but laugh because the majority of the contents were in fact his!
Instead of feeling anger or resentment I continued going through the boxes separating everything between trash and donation. Rather then feeling the need to completely trash or burn his belongings I reboxed what could be donated, gave it all a good cleansing with some sage, said a blessing and now it's ready to find new homes.
It did occur to me for a very brief moment that he might want some of the things in these boxes, but it also occurred to me that if he had really been missing any of it, then all he had to do was look through them. I also remember having lunch with his mom on my birthday and how she mentioned all of the junk he had continued collecting.
I made the executive decision to follow through with my plan rather than going through the unavoidable drama of trying to return a few trinkets. At the end of the day, getting back in touch because of the boxes would only open the door that I had just firmly closed. It simply wasn't worth it.
I wanted to share this because even though it sounds like such a small thing, it's really one of the biggest changes I've made in my life. Knowing that if I believe in my heart the value of something and put my mind to it, that I can achieve it. I CAN make it happen.
Goals used to be something that intimidated me, because that meant that I needed to have a plan, and that if I didn't follow through then I was a failure.
I have completely changed my perspective on goals, and how I am going about them. Some goals are for me and my benefit, some are about helping to change the world around me. Goals are the action plan for your dreams, they help to make that dream come true.
Forgiving the people that I have, was not something I planned on doing, not even for myself. I was content to holding a space of hate for them forever. Slowly I began to realize that they would have no way of knowing that I still hated them. They would have no clue whatsoever that I still carried the burden of the experience that caused the hate.
Granted they would have no way of knowing I had forgiven them either. They would have no clue that I had picked up my life and that I am doing better without them, that I am making my life into what I want it to be.
It wasn't for them though; it was for me. Just like going through those boxes free of grudges and negativity was for me. Choosing to donate all of those clothes and items was for me. I decided late last year that 2014 would be my last year in fear. Hate is fear's partner in crime. I wasn't about to fall back into that space and that way of living when I have taken so many steps forward.
If I want to continue moving forward in all areas of my life, I need to have as little holding me back as possible. I need my heart light, and open to my intuition, and my guides. I need to be open to the Universe as I am provided with markers on this journey so that I can make the most of it.
Knowing that the first goal I made for myself is done, is such a gratifying experience. Having that mental check next to the item on that list gives me so much joy. It's not even a list I intend to keep! Feeling that space in my heart and soul empty of negativity and bitterness admitted feels strange, but now there is that much more space to fill with something much more beneficial.
Love.
I hope that you take this opportunity in the new year and full moon to release your fears and whatever else that may be keeping you from realizing your potential. If you have not already be sure to check out this weeks Oracle Card as it can help shed some light.
In love and light,
Thealynn
©2013-2015 Thealynn
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)