Looking in an Honest Mirror

Hey there lovies,

It's been a little while since I've talked about some of the more personal, nonspiritual aspects of my life so I thought that I would give a little bit of an update. I get the feeling that there are a lot of people out there who are under the impression that because someone might take a spiritual approach to life that we do not face the same struggles as someone who takes a more 'traditional religious' road or even a path free of any form of faith. Or that because of our perspective that we are able to maintain that perspective at all times and that we don't ever face times of doubt.

Both of which are untrue.

While all of the work that was done during my Open Heart series and all of the progress was made, which was surprisingly successful, there is still a lot of work to be done. I have mentioned in previous posts touching briefly on certain aspects of my shadowself that are particularly difficult to deal with when they make themselves known.

I was having a recent conversation with a close friend of mine about the struggles I've been facing recently, and they asked me if I had been maintaining my practice, and I admitted that I had been shying away from it a bit because of how I worry about infusing my practice with negativity.

Which I realize might sound silly, because one of the main reasons people turn to their faith of choice when they are struggling. In fact when I began walking this path again almost three years ago it was because I was facing a major crisis and desperately felt like I needed something to hold on to, something to serve as an anchor.

Now being as immersed as I am and as dedicated as I want to be, it fills me with no end of guilt that I am afraid of what I might be confronted with by working too closely with my guides; which stems from being worried about not being able to handle what is happening in other aspects of my life.

I've slowly been working on releasing the reins of control and being content with doing my best. I've been told that this is not uncommon but I have a tendency to hold myself to higher standards than I hold everyone else which often leads to me stressing and psyching myself out over 'not doing enough' or 'not doing well enough' when in reality I am doing just fine.

I also have a nasty habit of reliving conversations or events that hold a lot of negative feelings, perpetuating negative cycles. I also have the tendency to compartmentalize issues to the point where I literally forget about them, at least until they become a raging monster and infinitely more difficult to deal with.

There have been times in the past where things in my life have gotten so out of hand where it really feels like there is no way out-which is not true, no matter how difficult things seem.

It's occurred to me for some time that if I am really going to get a handle of things, on my life and live it the way I know it can be lived there are changes that must be made; figuring out how to make those choices in a way that they stick and are effective is a matter unto itself.

Earlier in the year I pulled a tarot card that would represent the theme of 2015 and it was a simple, yet loaded word: Choice.

Every day, every moment is a choice; even the seemingly most insignificant moments of our lives present us with a choice. Sometimes making those choices are more difficult than others, not acting, or responding are choices.

It's difficult to remember that some times, and some times we just don't feel like hearing it; we become desensitized to the sentiment.

While it's been something I know I have needed for quiet some time, I have done some research and reached out to a counselor for some professional assistance in getting my life on a healthier track and a better idea of what is causing my struggles so that I can deal with them on every aspect, not just a spiritual one.

I know that not everyone agrees one way or the other about any form of assistance or treatment, depending on where you're coming from. But just like I have said about working with guides, or with crystals and stones; you are the priority. Do what needs to be done for you.

This is something I feel confident about doing. I've always had an idea of what the root of my problems might have been, but I've never been entirely sure how to full identify or even fully heal. This is something I owe myself if I want to move forward and continue moving forward.

Am I scared?

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous about taking this step. I have no illusions about how difficult the work might be, but I do have hopes for what the results will look like. 

Light and love to you all dears,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn

Whisperings of a Ghost

Good morning lovies,

Welcome to Part Seven of my Open Heart Series!

If you have not read the previous parts of this series I would encourage you to follow the links below so that you can get all caught up! What started as a minor project has blossomed into a journeys of how, why, and how to!
 
Following pieces of this series will include ways to connect with your guides and of course the resulting experience of the February Full Moon Ritual through Sage Goddess.

Previous Series Postings
OHNMR
OHNMRT
Behind Door Number Two
Why Answer the Why
When Guides Come Knocking
Grounding and Bubble Meditations

So without further ado!

This is very much an unexpected addition to my Open Heart series, but I believe it may be one of the most significant.

For those who are unaware, we are currently experiencing what we call Mercury Retrograde. This is a period of a few weeks in which Mercury appears to travel backwards on its axis. This is mostly observed by the pagan community as something to be weary of because it causes disruptions in communication, technology, seems to slow down the progress of projects and overall it can just feel like an unpleasant time.

However there are some positives that can come along with Mercury Retrograde that I discussed on my Facebook Page, so if you're curious follow the link. One thing that I will mention is that Mercury Retrograde can some times bring in people from your past wanting to reconnect.

Without spending too much time on details, suffice it to say that there is one side of the family that I have not had consistent contact with for the last 20 years. Some interaction here and there, but nothing terribly serious.

I’m guessing that between opening myself and my heart to the Universe for my highest good and Mercury being in retrograde is what helped the stars to align causing me to get a fairly abrupt message from one of my biological father’s sisters, being my aunt. She has said before how much she has wanted to get together over the last several months, but nothing has ever come of it.

After some seemingly convoluted conversations which really did turn out to be misunderstands, we had lunch last week. What started out as my aunt, uncle and myself turned into two of my other aunts from that same side joining us.

It was the first time in almost three years since I had seen any of them, and even longer since we had spent real time together. Over the course of lunch they asked me if I was interested in seeing my biological father whom I have not seen or spoken to in 20 years. Minus one painful denial of my existence at the mall when I was 15.

I thought for a moment and realized that I really have nothing to lose by doing so. That I have an amazing opportunity to help clear up some understandably made assumptions, to help provide healing and understanding, and forgiveness in the hopes that others will be able to start forgiving themselves.

I realize all too well how much I do not owe anyone anything, and I almost surprised myself at how much the thought didn’t enter my mind until way after I had made my decision.

I’ve been called to change my perspective, and to not miss the forest for the trees.

Even though my father was not around when I was growing up, even though he did some down right criminal acts, he really did the best thing for me by allowing me to be adopted by another man whom I love as my father and staying out of my life. I was able to become the person I am because he let me go. In that one simple yet heart breaking act, he put his children, including me first. And I love him for that.

As I was thinking about whether or not I wanted to share this right away or to wait, I heard a frog croaking outside. I'd been house sitting for almost a week, and this was the first time I have heard a frog, and not just during this visit, but EVER as I am a frequent visitor.

I heard it only a handful of times, but I felt instantly called to pull out the copy of Animal Speak by Ted Andrews and look up frog medicine. It almost brought tears to my eyes. I won't go into that much here as I really could write an entire blog post on frog medicine and the connection that I have to it.

This is was the confirmation from the Universe that I am going to play a crucial role in helping to heal my father’s heart. I know full well and accept that the real healing will have to come from him, and that it will have to be his choice. But I will be the doorway for him, I will be the one to help him understand and put pieces together. I will be able to answer questions that he has never had the answers to.

I realize that it might sound like a burden, or some form of family obligation. But I see it as an immense privilege, as an incredible opportunity. I don’t feel as though I am walking into a situation that I am unprepared for, or am somehow fulfilling a family duty.

I am approaching this as a daughter to her father, expressing gratitude and forgiveness that is long overdue. Even though I believed this to be a closed door, and I felt like I had as much closure as I was going to get, I feel that this is the chance I never thought I would have,

As I said before, I do have a loving father in my life, and I know that I would not be the person that I am without him. But I see something so beautiful in at least attempting to heal this relationship. Not that I believe in putting all of the blame for my 'heart troubles' but I do see the loss of my father as the first heart break of my life.

I was a small child when everything happened but I still carry memories and scars from the events leading up to, during and after the divorce. These are scars that are so old and buried so deep that most times I forget that they are there. And I would argue that they do not affect my daily life.

But in those short hours that I spent with my aunts I learned more about my father then I ever knew before. There are a few things that we share, and it's already answered some questions I didn't know that I had.

I had a friend ask me why I was doing this, and I did not want to go into the spiritual reasons behind my decision, so I thought about it for quite some time. And it only occurred to me as I was writing this how much I owe this to myself. I've denied myself this chance in the past, but I knew then and I reaffirm now that I wasn't ready before, but I know that I am now.

I can't say that I expect us to be a happy family again, I can't say that I expect anything really. I think if I were to do so it would ruin the integrity of the event. I might not be that little girl in sundresses any more, but I am still his child, and that is how I am going into our phone call this afternoon.

Even if this ends up not going anywhere, if one of both of us decide that it's not working, at least we can say that we tried, which is more then I've ever had before.

As I wait hour the hours I am not focusing so much on what we will talk about, I only set the intention that it will be what we both need.

Sending you light and love,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn