As I have mentioned in the last couple of postings, I am preparing to move, and a part of that is going through and deciding what is coming with me into this next chapter of my life. One of the projects I've had for myself over several months now, was to go through a storage tote which contained binders, and notebooks, and journals, and letters from as far back as 2003.....
When I started the project last night, I decided to burn some essential oil, and as luck would have it, I pulled out my Kali oil, and as I lit the candle I asked that she be present with me as I decided what to keep and what to let go after so many years of being carted around.
One could easily deduce that the tote was freaking heavy and I simply did not wish to move it one more time. Which is true, but it isn't the whole truth.
I knew that some of the energy in those entries was going to be heavy, and that if I allowed myself to read too far into any given journal, that I would essentially be transported back to that time and feel precisely what I had written about. While I am sure that for some that would be a valuable experience, for me, I just knew that some pages were better off not being disturbed.
When I started the project last night, I decided to burn some essential oil, and as luck would have it, I pulled out my Kali oil, and as I lit the candle I asked that she be present with me as I decided what to keep and what to let go after so many years of being carted around.
As the first oil died I wasn't half way through, so I went to put more into the defuser, I ended up pulling out the Sacral Chakra essential oil instead. I felt as though it was no coincidence so I went with it.
There were journals from my earlier years which contained so much despair and hopelessness, pages upon pages of repeating the same goal of the utmost desire to let go of the feelings I carried for the boy I lost my virginity to at 16.
As I made my way through the last of the binders in which so many things were preserved in plastic protective sheets, one page caught my eye as I recognized the penmanship immediately. It was a poem that my ex-fiance had written for me so many life times ago. Here I thought that I had disposed of any and everything from him, yet here was this single sheet from a legal pad that had managed to go unnoticed until now. Needless to say it went into the recycle pile without hesitation.
After all of the struggles and trials that I have endured over the last four years, last year in particular, I want as much of a clean slate as possible. There are a couple of things that I will be keeping of course, but I already feel so much more prepared for this move by taking the time to release so much that I didn't even fully realize I was carrying.
I would be lying if I said that so much of what I kept was mostly on a sentimental level, I thought that somewhere down the line I would want those mementos and to remind me of where I had been and how far I have come; but the truth is that all I have to do is look into the mirror to remember. All I have to do is close my eyes and allow the pictures to come together to be back in those places.
But when it comes down to it, most of those memories are better left alone. It's unnecessary for me to travel so far back to times of feeling wrong, incomplete, unwanted and so unsure of myself. Those years and experiences helped to mold me and will always be a part of who I am. But they do not need a physical representation in my current world.
They are tiny pieces of lives in worlds that no longer exist, and while I continue to hold onto them, the less space I have within myself for the future possibilities, the future world I have worked so hard to get to, a place that I believed in so desperately that if I could manage to get there, that everything I had endured would be worth it.
I realize that not everyone equates energy and energetic imprints with their belongings, but I do, at an extent. I knew months ago how important it was to do this project, but it isn't until roughly a week before starting a new chapter in my life is when it is accomplish. I don't see that as a coincidence, like so many other things I see this as the Universe exercising Divine Timing.
I would be lying if I said that so much of what I kept was mostly on a sentimental level, I thought that somewhere down the line I would want those mementos and to remind me of where I had been and how far I have come; but the truth is that all I have to do is look into the mirror to remember. All I have to do is close my eyes and allow the pictures to come together to be back in those places.
But when it comes down to it, most of those memories are better left alone. It's unnecessary for me to travel so far back to times of feeling wrong, incomplete, unwanted and so unsure of myself. Those years and experiences helped to mold me and will always be a part of who I am. But they do not need a physical representation in my current world.
They are tiny pieces of lives in worlds that no longer exist, and while I continue to hold onto them, the less space I have within myself for the future possibilities, the future world I have worked so hard to get to, a place that I believed in so desperately that if I could manage to get there, that everything I had endured would be worth it.
I realize that not everyone equates energy and energetic imprints with their belongings, but I do, at an extent. I knew months ago how important it was to do this project, but it isn't until roughly a week before starting a new chapter in my life is when it is accomplish. I don't see that as a coincidence, like so many other things I see this as the Universe exercising Divine Timing.
As my night drew to a close I began thinking about how close I am to this move, and how much/little needs to be done.
I started thinking about the new space I'll be in, and how this is the first time that I am choosing to move in with a partner because it's simply the next 'natural' step in our relationship, versus it being a matter of happenstance, and how ready I am for this step.
I started thinking about how much love and adoration I have for this individual and how, despite how different the financials might differ from my current situation, that I haven't worried or obsessed over how we are going to make it work, because I simply know that we will.
Never before in my life have I felt such trust in the Universe, never before have I felt such trust in my partner, but most importantly, never before have I felt so much trust, in myself.
In the past when I had shared bits and pieces of some of the major life events that I've experienced, I would shrug my shoulders or shaken my head when people told me how strong I was for moving past such a 'thing.'
I never felt like I was completely through the experience, or that the 'surviving' that I was passing off for living was really worth any admiration, because, well, what the hell else was I going to do?
It's only now that I am able and ready to recognize and honor the warrior I have been, and continue to be. To thank others when they acknowledge my triumphs, because yes, it has been hell getting here. To thank them again when they congratulate me on my accomplishments, because I am no longer to acknowledge how much work has gone into not just my person, but into my journey.
I don't know if I will have time to write again before my move, but I will prepare a tarot card reading for February and have that up and ready before the first.
In the past when I had shared bits and pieces of some of the major life events that I've experienced, I would shrug my shoulders or shaken my head when people told me how strong I was for moving past such a 'thing.'
I never felt like I was completely through the experience, or that the 'surviving' that I was passing off for living was really worth any admiration, because, well, what the hell else was I going to do?
It's only now that I am able and ready to recognize and honor the warrior I have been, and continue to be. To thank others when they acknowledge my triumphs, because yes, it has been hell getting here. To thank them again when they congratulate me on my accomplishments, because I am no longer to acknowledge how much work has gone into not just my person, but into my journey.
I don't know if I will have time to write again before my move, but I will prepare a tarot card reading for February and have that up and ready before the first.
