Hey there loves,
I wish that today I had something light and cheerful to talk about. An update about the changes happening with my life, an amazing interaction I had with my guides, a recent gathering of my Circle, instead I'm writing with frustration, heartbreak, and the burning need to just say something.
Early Sunday morning, on June 12th occured the deadliest mass shooting in American history. The last time I wrote about a shooting was last October, which you can read about here if you so choose. I will say that since writing that article, there have been a number of events that have caused me to consider the beliefs and philosophies that I hold, and despite all of the, I still hold fast to the conclusions I came to last year.
As difficult as holding onto my beliefs can be some times, I always end up finding comfort in them, but what's more - they motivate me. Ultimately I am encouraged to take a stand, to be a voice, to be a contributor to change.
One thing I will say that is that it can be disheartening, and even exhausting to fight for what's right, to put in so much time and effort into making change and then not see any change, or at least not see any immediate change.
Seeing the same tragedies happen again and again, and some times we can't help but wonder what in the possible hell is it going to take for the people that we as citizens have asked to represent us to do just that. But not just that, but to protect us.
To be clear, I say that not just as an American citizen, not just as a woman or as a pagan but as a member of the LBGTQA community as I am bisexual.
If memory serves this is the first time I have mentioned this particular aspect of myself, and while it's something I've felt the need to share this before, I want to clarify that I feel compelled to share now because I don't want to let this horrible event to be one more reason to hide.
Previous to tonight, I always told myself that I didn't mention my sexuality very often mostly because I didn't really feel the need to. I've always been fairly selective about who I shared this part of my life with because I didn't want to deal with the potential ridicule, the questions about why I haven't dated more women, or the possibility of whoever I told simply not believing that bisexuality is a real thing.
But events such as these are committed by those who are hateful, fearful, and desperate to cling to anything that allows them to stay that way. Which is their prerogative - until they lash out, and are allowed to commit heinous acts by those who to stick their heads in the sand and remain silent.
I choose to not be silenced by fear. I refuse to be a part of the problem by not being a part of the change. I'm lucky in that I live in a fairly liberal state, and that the elected officials for my state tend to vote the way I hope that they do.
I live in a place that is fairly accepting of people because they are just that - people.
I'll admit that I felt afraid to say something up until now about this because I didn't want to make it about me, because this tragedy, this horrific event is so much bigger than myself.
But the truth is that it's about every single person who is afraid to walk outside their doors; who are afraid to get on the internet or check their emails; who are afraid of losing their friends, their family, their jobs; those who are afraid to really live their lives because they might be risking those lives by simply being, by simply being brave enough to love.
I came across this video today from someone that I've been subscribed to for a long time. It moved me in so many ways, and was definitely the biggest contributor to me writing this article. I've shared the video on my personal Facebook page, and I'll be sharing it here as well.
I encourage you to watch it, to share it, to take action and to contribute to positive change, to be brave.
Hannah Hart: I'm Afraid of You
Never doubt that you can make a difference, never doubt that your voice has merit, never doubt that you are loved and cherished and are needed by those around you, even those who will never know you.
Love conquers fear.
Light and love to you,
to all of those who have been affected by acts of hate,
we are with you.
Thealynn
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Friday, May 20, 2016
Ostara's Easter and the Self Love of the Sacral
Hey loves,
It's been some time since I've felt compelled to write, even though I think about this blog almost every single day. Some times it takes something out of the everyday routine to prompt the urge, even the need to write.
As I'm sure most of you know by now, assuming you've been with me before - I've been on my path for a good while now, and if I'm being frank, half of my family is on what most folks would consider the other side of the fence.
As with most most holidays, my family wanted to spend Easter together, even if it was only a meal - which we had planned to do after they had attended a church service in the morning.
It was perhaps a week and a half prior to these plans when my mother called me. I knew from the moment she got on the phone that something was on her mind. Her tone was more than enough to tell me that whatever she was going to say was going to be difficult for her.
To my relief, it was not a family emergency, it was something considerably more simple.
She wanted me to go to church with them.
Now, my mother knows that I have a different belief system, one that she personally cannot condone or understand; mostly I think because she's already made up her mind about it.
Unlike me, I don't think she's ever doubted her faith or her beliefs, which I genuinely commend her for - so much of the pain and trails she's experienced, we experienced together.
The moment I heard her voice crack, I knew what she was going to ask me.
"I know that you have different beliefs, and we've never talked about them. But it really would me so much if you came to church."
"Oh Mom, it's okay."
"I don't want it to be like my parents where beliefs are pressured to the point where it causes problems, but-"
"Mom. I love you, and I respect you; and if it means that much to you, of course I'll go."
She pulled herself together after that, and I decided not to ask her the main question that was on my mind.
What exactly did she think that church was going to do for me? What about this Easter service was going to reach me in such a way that I could potentially, completely change my way of thinking?
In this particular instance, it only reaffirmed my stance, and strengthened my resolve.
In the midst of counting everything of pagan origin in an attempt to not fall asleep, something about the message for today got to me. As might be expected, the sermon was all about Jesus being resurrected and how it was good news for us all; because we'd finally be able to get into heaven.
While I will not go into every single piece that I disagreed with, there is one that I refuse to be silent about.
While his sermon was unorganized, poorly rehearsed, and over all lacking; this preacher had enough nerve to tell every person sitting in the audience, that they are broken.
This was by no means a small congregation - they were recording from a number of locations and streaming it live online. I don't want to make any grand assumptions about the tax free institution but I think it's fair to say he was quite ballsy in his accusation.
I don't know about anyone else, but the idea of telling a complete stranger that I've never even made eye contact with, that they are broke, unworthy, and really rather pointless without my perspective of what my higher power looks like, is nothing short of egotistical.
As I sat there in that auditorium, I was fuming. I no longer cared if my distaste and displeasure was obvious to anyone. In fact, I even hoped that he would look over and see how disgusted I felt. I hoped that from where I was in my seat, that he could feel the echos of what it really meant to be broken.
To feel that sense of helplessness, of emptiness; the feeling of complete and utter self loathing and failure that comes with being broken. I wanted more than anything for a single moment for him to experience the way the breath catches as one inches towards to edge of oblivion, and the terror of uncertainty even at the brink of making the unchangeable decision to finally release and let go, or to hang on with nothing but the bleeding chips that were once fingernails.
I physically craved for him to know this darkness. I felt my own ego crying out for him to choke on his words as he attempted to pick apart the idea of "different roads leading to the same end" and how by doing that it leaves each individual the ultimatum of deciding what 'good' really means.
At this point I'm sure I could go off on a tangent about balance between light and darkness, good and evil. I could string together pretty words about how the freedom to choose is in fact a blessing and a curse, and that there really is no such thing as 'not choosing' because when it comes to so much of life, there is always a choice.
If I'm being completely honest at this point, this has without a doubt been one of the most difficult articles for me to write. It's taken several attempts not just with trying to convey my ideas and feelings, but also several rounds of technical issues in which everything below the previous paragraph was lost.
More than once the time and effort felt wasted, in one instance I became enraged that for whatever reason there was nothing saved because I was so proud of the picture I had spun together reaching so far and deep within me to create and it was simply gone.
Easter was back in March, and even if this post was going to be a few weeks late, the subject matter was such that I felt it was justified with so much to process. As I am sitting here now reading back over everything, those emotions feel like an echo of someone who felt wronged by a stranger who will never know my name, never know my story; because to him they are all the same in the end.
And maybe for him that's true, and if so, then that's his prerogative. But in the end what it boiled down to me was that he has a very different idea of what love is, and means. From where I'm standing his love feels shallow and weak, and conditional.
I cannot speak for anyone else by myself, but I sincerely believe that love doesn't last without sincere dedication, hard work, struggle, and often times, pain.
They say that nothing worth having is easy/easily obtained. And I genuinely believe that.
While I might not feel like this everyday, at the core of my being, I am grateful for the trials I've experienced. I'm grateful for the people who made life difficult because it lead me to the people who helped me see the strength within myself to conquer those trials.
I'm grateful that I found a belief system that believes in me as I am, accepts me as I am, and doesn't ask me to change unless it's for my greater good. I'm grateful that I belief in such a way that encourages me to love and accept everyone around me for the who they are, even if I don't necessarily agree with them.
With all of that being said, I'm grateful for that preacher. Because not only did he reinforce that I'm on the right path for my personal growth and life, but he also helped me grow from a place of resentment to a place of gratitude.
One of the most beautiful things about self love is that once you find it, you stop concerning yourself with those who lack self love. And when you do interact with those people, they don't have the ability to feed that sense of self loathing because you've already fed it with love and understanding and compassion, which you can then share with those who are also looking for it.
When I originally began this journey through my chakras, I had the idea to go through them within a years time, spending approximately seven weeks on each chakra.
I however have spend the last three months working with this one chakra, and have only move on to the Solar Plexus chakra this past week.
My original intention was not so much to limit myself to working with each one for a set amount of time, but more to deepen my admittedly basic knowledge and to widen my tool set on how to work with each one.
I'm also coming to understand that when I move on to the next chakra, I take the essence of the previous chakras with me, I continue to work with them, it's more that my focus shifts to the next, not my entire self.
Some of the tools I used while focusing on my sacral charka were the Aloha Bay candles, both pillar and tealight, Sun's Eye Sacral Chakra oil, and the stones I used were Orange Calcite and Yellow Jasper.
I didn't do to much meditation on this chakra as much as self evaluation. I also had many discussions with those of like mind who are on similar paths, as I was not only curious for their input but I also rely on their council.
I am going to leave you with this amazing affirmation I found while simply scrolling through some photos, not only because I think it applies to everything I discussed here but because I was so sincerely moved by it's words. I feel it also ties into the next subject I'll be talking about here Through the Secret Door.
Until next time my loves,
Light, love, and blessings to you all,
Thealynn
It's been some time since I've felt compelled to write, even though I think about this blog almost every single day. Some times it takes something out of the everyday routine to prompt the urge, even the need to write.
As I'm sure most of you know by now, assuming you've been with me before - I've been on my path for a good while now, and if I'm being frank, half of my family is on what most folks would consider the other side of the fence.
As with most most holidays, my family wanted to spend Easter together, even if it was only a meal - which we had planned to do after they had attended a church service in the morning.
It was perhaps a week and a half prior to these plans when my mother called me. I knew from the moment she got on the phone that something was on her mind. Her tone was more than enough to tell me that whatever she was going to say was going to be difficult for her.
To my relief, it was not a family emergency, it was something considerably more simple.
She wanted me to go to church with them.
Now, my mother knows that I have a different belief system, one that she personally cannot condone or understand; mostly I think because she's already made up her mind about it.
Unlike me, I don't think she's ever doubted her faith or her beliefs, which I genuinely commend her for - so much of the pain and trails she's experienced, we experienced together.
The moment I heard her voice crack, I knew what she was going to ask me.
"I know that you have different beliefs, and we've never talked about them. But it really would me so much if you came to church."
"Oh Mom, it's okay."
"I don't want it to be like my parents where beliefs are pressured to the point where it causes problems, but-"
"Mom. I love you, and I respect you; and if it means that much to you, of course I'll go."
She pulled herself together after that, and I decided not to ask her the main question that was on my mind.
What exactly did she think that church was going to do for me? What about this Easter service was going to reach me in such a way that I could potentially, completely change my way of thinking?
In this particular instance, it only reaffirmed my stance, and strengthened my resolve.
In the midst of counting everything of pagan origin in an attempt to not fall asleep, something about the message for today got to me. As might be expected, the sermon was all about Jesus being resurrected and how it was good news for us all; because we'd finally be able to get into heaven.
While I will not go into every single piece that I disagreed with, there is one that I refuse to be silent about.
While his sermon was unorganized, poorly rehearsed, and over all lacking; this preacher had enough nerve to tell every person sitting in the audience, that they are broken.
This was by no means a small congregation - they were recording from a number of locations and streaming it live online. I don't want to make any grand assumptions about the tax free institution but I think it's fair to say he was quite ballsy in his accusation.
I don't know about anyone else, but the idea of telling a complete stranger that I've never even made eye contact with, that they are broke, unworthy, and really rather pointless without my perspective of what my higher power looks like, is nothing short of egotistical.
As I sat there in that auditorium, I was fuming. I no longer cared if my distaste and displeasure was obvious to anyone. In fact, I even hoped that he would look over and see how disgusted I felt. I hoped that from where I was in my seat, that he could feel the echos of what it really meant to be broken.
To feel that sense of helplessness, of emptiness; the feeling of complete and utter self loathing and failure that comes with being broken. I wanted more than anything for a single moment for him to experience the way the breath catches as one inches towards to edge of oblivion, and the terror of uncertainty even at the brink of making the unchangeable decision to finally release and let go, or to hang on with nothing but the bleeding chips that were once fingernails.
I physically craved for him to know this darkness. I felt my own ego crying out for him to choke on his words as he attempted to pick apart the idea of "different roads leading to the same end" and how by doing that it leaves each individual the ultimatum of deciding what 'good' really means.
At this point I'm sure I could go off on a tangent about balance between light and darkness, good and evil. I could string together pretty words about how the freedom to choose is in fact a blessing and a curse, and that there really is no such thing as 'not choosing' because when it comes to so much of life, there is always a choice.
If I'm being completely honest at this point, this has without a doubt been one of the most difficult articles for me to write. It's taken several attempts not just with trying to convey my ideas and feelings, but also several rounds of technical issues in which everything below the previous paragraph was lost.
More than once the time and effort felt wasted, in one instance I became enraged that for whatever reason there was nothing saved because I was so proud of the picture I had spun together reaching so far and deep within me to create and it was simply gone.
Easter was back in March, and even if this post was going to be a few weeks late, the subject matter was such that I felt it was justified with so much to process. As I am sitting here now reading back over everything, those emotions feel like an echo of someone who felt wronged by a stranger who will never know my name, never know my story; because to him they are all the same in the end.
And maybe for him that's true, and if so, then that's his prerogative. But in the end what it boiled down to me was that he has a very different idea of what love is, and means. From where I'm standing his love feels shallow and weak, and conditional.
I cannot speak for anyone else by myself, but I sincerely believe that love doesn't last without sincere dedication, hard work, struggle, and often times, pain.
They say that nothing worth having is easy/easily obtained. And I genuinely believe that.
While I might not feel like this everyday, at the core of my being, I am grateful for the trials I've experienced. I'm grateful for the people who made life difficult because it lead me to the people who helped me see the strength within myself to conquer those trials.
I'm grateful that I found a belief system that believes in me as I am, accepts me as I am, and doesn't ask me to change unless it's for my greater good. I'm grateful that I belief in such a way that encourages me to love and accept everyone around me for the who they are, even if I don't necessarily agree with them.
With all of that being said, I'm grateful for that preacher. Because not only did he reinforce that I'm on the right path for my personal growth and life, but he also helped me grow from a place of resentment to a place of gratitude.
One of the most beautiful things about self love is that once you find it, you stop concerning yourself with those who lack self love. And when you do interact with those people, they don't have the ability to feed that sense of self loathing because you've already fed it with love and understanding and compassion, which you can then share with those who are also looking for it.
When I originally began this journey through my chakras, I had the idea to go through them within a years time, spending approximately seven weeks on each chakra.
I however have spend the last three months working with this one chakra, and have only move on to the Solar Plexus chakra this past week.
My original intention was not so much to limit myself to working with each one for a set amount of time, but more to deepen my admittedly basic knowledge and to widen my tool set on how to work with each one.
I'm also coming to understand that when I move on to the next chakra, I take the essence of the previous chakras with me, I continue to work with them, it's more that my focus shifts to the next, not my entire self.
Some of the tools I used while focusing on my sacral charka were the Aloha Bay candles, both pillar and tealight, Sun's Eye Sacral Chakra oil, and the stones I used were Orange Calcite and Yellow Jasper.
I am going to leave you with this amazing affirmation I found while simply scrolling through some photos, not only because I think it applies to everything I discussed here but because I was so sincerely moved by it's words. I feel it also ties into the next subject I'll be talking about here Through the Secret Door.
Until next time my loves,
Light, love, and blessings to you all,
Thealynn
Monday, February 1, 2016
Facing My Chakras
This article was originally started on January 25th and was only lacking a few links below when my eyes and brain decided that I needed sleep. I considered changing the flow of the beginning, but decided that it was just as well that leave it.
I hope you enjoy!
Happy Mercury Goes Direct Day!
If you're not sure what that means, that's okay. If you're curious, you can follow the link here and learn all about Mercury Retrograde.
For those who are familiar with Mercury's patterns, you'll possibly be a little more understanding as to why I've stayed a bit on the down low, especially since my current laptop has been having technically problems without Mercury's help.
One thing about Mercury Retrograde that I do love though, is the opportunity to really spend those few weeks looking inward, and focusing on what magic I can work not only for myself but also for others.
I'm learning more and more how much I avoided healing for so long, and how severally it affected nearly every aspect of my life. The Universe has really had to poke and prod me to this point but I've been awakening and warming up to the idea of stepping into my role as a healer.
When I first went in to write that last sentence, I almost wrote "...idea of becoming a healer." Spirit made me stop and really think about that statement.
As broken has I have been and as low as I've found myself, I've always had this goal, this gift, this purpose; of being a healer, being a spiritual guide, of being the light for those who feel too frightened to take the necessary steps.
There were times in the last couple of years where my struggles overflowed into the lives of my loved ones because due to the lack of control I possessed when it came to what I was attempting to work through.
After making a series of changes, I've begun moving to a place where I'm able to not only see my soul's purpose, but my passion as well. I have no illusions about putting myself on any kind of time frame as to how long it will take for this to turn into a career or anything along those lines. For now I am viewing this journey as my own way of thanking the Universe for its support and guidance, and as a promise to not turn a blind eye or to tune out the messages I receive.
One adventure that I've decided to embark on for this year (2016) is I am going to be working on and paying special attention to my chakras.
I've known about the concept of chakras for a few years, and even received a chakra necklace as a birthday gift around 2010 - and it's just now that I am really open to how they work, how they affect everyday life, and what I can do to help myself by being aware of them.
If this is your first time hearing about chakras, there is a channel on Youtube called Spirit Science that has a couple of videos about chakras that make it really easy to understand that I really enjoyed. Here's the link for that: Intro to Chakras.
At the end of the year I am hoping that I'll be able to write an article combining the knowledge I've gained, what I will be doing different for the following year, as well as any tips I picked up along the way.
When I decided that this would be one of my self projects for this year, I was trying to determine how much time I should spend working on each chakra. With there being seven (main) chakras, I wanted to spend a good amount of time with each one, but stick to the one year time frame, starting from root to crown.
After doing a little math, I landed on working with each chakra for seven weeks. Seven chakras, seven weeks landed me with 49 weeks, leaving me with three weeks to play with.
As I go along however, I will be sharing the tools I am using for my work with each chakra. The main tools that I have been using are; candles, stones, meditation, and essential oil. I'll make sure to include links to my favorite meditations.
The candles I have been using are from Aloha Bay. About this time last year when I was working on healing my heart space, which I wrote about in my Open Heart Series, I burned the heart chakra candles.
The smell is amazing, they burn beautifully and they come in two different sizes. I've also been using Root Chakra essential oil from Sun's Eye. They smell fantastic, and prior to acquiring my oil burner I would just take a wiff or two whenever I needed some grounding and reminding of my work.
I've been working with a couple of different stones to connect and to help heal my root chakra. The first stone I've been working with is garnet. Partially because it is a root chakra stone but also because it's a good stone for Capricorn, which I am.
As an additional way to connect and become more aware, I've been working with the Chakra Wisdom Oracle Cards by Tori Hartman. One the full and new moons I pull a card to see which chakra needs some healing and love, because I believe it's important to not ignore the rest while I might be focusing on one.
A friend purchased the set, and was kind enough to let me work with them a little bit, and I fell in love with them. I fully intend on acquiring my own.
One card in particular as come up almost every time I pulls cards, which I think is really quiet beautiful.
Before I even decided to begin this journey with my chakras, this card came to me, and I have to say it's repeated appearance serves as a reminder and a re-enforcement for the path that I am starting on.
Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will be ready and able to write about my tarot card for 2016 as well as the card's counter part as I believe it could also give some additional insights.
I mentioned above that I have been using meditation as a tool to assist me in connecting with my root chakra, here are the three that I have found that I really enjoy.
They vary in length, as some times you have more time to meditate some days than others.
I'm including three different Root Chakra meditations, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, and 25 minutes.
This ten minute meditation is composed of beautiful singing bowls. Perfect if you only have a few minutes, and just want to get in touch with your root chakra.
Singing Bowl Root Chakra Meditation
This next meditation is the one I started out with. It's almost a half an hour long, and it's guided, which can be incredibly helpful if you're not used to meditating, or if you're new to working with your chakras, like I am.
Guided Root Chakra Meditation
This meditation is probably my favorite one, it's a good amount of time and really gets you connected with your root chakra. One thing I will say about this meditation is that rather than having any kind of call back, it just ends.
I would recommend setting some kind of timer for a minute or so after the meditation ends to help bring you back, I've also found that wiggling fingers and toes helps to bring back the feeling of being grounded; and I always encourage people I work with to take their time coming out of a meditative state.
Deepak Chopra Root Meditation
I hope you find these meditations helpful, and that if you do begin your own journey working on your chakras, please know that there is no 'appropriate time frame' to work on each one.
Light, love, and blessings to you all,
Thealynn
Thursday, January 14, 2016
From 2015 to 2016
Greetings and Salutations to one and all back Through the Secret Door and to 2016!
For my regular readers I am back for the first time since Samhain, or the first of November and am thrilled to be back here with you.
For those who have just stumbled across my blog, a warm welcome to you! In this space I not only share about my personal journey through this life of mine, as short as it has been so far; but I also share about my adventures, my struggles, and the main reason - my personal practice as a pagan.
Just as a child learns as they grow and develops new interests and passions, so do we all when we discover more and more about ourselves.
2015 was really about my finding where I was supposed to be, getting my feet on the ground and finding the stability and security that had been lacking in my life previously.
That's not to say that I am out of the woods by any means, but I feel confident in moving forward and have relatively no fear. Which if you've been with me since last year, you know has previously been a huge struggle.
In addition to facing and working through anxiety, depression, and at the worst of it suicidal thoughts, I am happy to be starting a new year with new goals, new hopes, new dreams and new focus.
One of the things I learned about myself last year was that as much as I loved being in school, I simply don't learn some subjects the same way that others do. I also discovered that part of the reason I seemed to cling to the idea of school so tightly was that it was a part of a dream that I had so long ago. It was one of the few things that still appeared to carry weight from such a different part of my life that I couldn't help but think that it was what I needed to do.
As of now I am on hiatus from traditional higher education. When I originally had to take leave from school I was angry and frustrated and confused because I thought that I was on the path that I was meant to be on, and when it came down to not being able to afford school and living simultaneously, I was devastated.
Life was pretty rocky for me over the next several months until I made my first posting at the beginning of June.
After getting settled and finding my footing a bit, I was almost thrown into a world with others so much like myself; young, bright individuals who saw greater things for this world who were all trying to make it somehow in this strange, unrelenting, and some times unforgiving world.
Making such immediate connections was one of the last things I could have expected but I am overtly grateful for the magic that brought us all together.
Between the months of June through September my circle and I joined in ritual, meditation and community as we learned about each other, ourselves and our place here on Earth.
I was fortunate to spend a couple of months as a reader with the Portland Psychic Gallery and hope to return to it as a regular this year.
In August I was surprised by my guides and the Universe as once again magic took hold and introduced me to my current partner. I won't spend too much time on that particular piece as it could be a post all on its own, and may very well be.
By the time my last post of 2015 was published I had accepted a second, seasonal position and am now a regular member during high traffic times as well as reclaimed my previous supervisory position with my permanate employer.
As I look ahead into 2016 I am excited to continue with an open heart to the blessings awaiting me and of course to those that are already on their way to me.
I am diving into learning and working with chakras on a deeper level. Up until now I've had a rather basic knowledge but this year, both my boyfriend and I will focusing on our chakras one by one.
I will also be attending my first public ritual - ever. This ritual will be celebrating Imbolc, which you may recall is one of my favorite Sabbats. I even picked up the new book from Llewellyn's Sabbat Essentials - Imbolc Rituals, Recipes & Lore for Brigid's Day by Carl F. Neal.
If you need a refresher on this holiday or are simply curious, check out the article I wrote about this holiday last year: Imbolc and the Festival of Lights.
I will attending my first ever magical conference come April and I am very much looking forward to that also. If you're interested in the events and want to know more, I'll leave the links below for you.
For my regular readers I am back for the first time since Samhain, or the first of November and am thrilled to be back here with you.
For those who have just stumbled across my blog, a warm welcome to you! In this space I not only share about my personal journey through this life of mine, as short as it has been so far; but I also share about my adventures, my struggles, and the main reason - my personal practice as a pagan.
Just as a child learns as they grow and develops new interests and passions, so do we all when we discover more and more about ourselves.
2015 was really about my finding where I was supposed to be, getting my feet on the ground and finding the stability and security that had been lacking in my life previously.
That's not to say that I am out of the woods by any means, but I feel confident in moving forward and have relatively no fear. Which if you've been with me since last year, you know has previously been a huge struggle.
In addition to facing and working through anxiety, depression, and at the worst of it suicidal thoughts, I am happy to be starting a new year with new goals, new hopes, new dreams and new focus.
One of the things I learned about myself last year was that as much as I loved being in school, I simply don't learn some subjects the same way that others do. I also discovered that part of the reason I seemed to cling to the idea of school so tightly was that it was a part of a dream that I had so long ago. It was one of the few things that still appeared to carry weight from such a different part of my life that I couldn't help but think that it was what I needed to do.
As of now I am on hiatus from traditional higher education. When I originally had to take leave from school I was angry and frustrated and confused because I thought that I was on the path that I was meant to be on, and when it came down to not being able to afford school and living simultaneously, I was devastated.
Life was pretty rocky for me over the next several months until I made my first posting at the beginning of June.
After getting settled and finding my footing a bit, I was almost thrown into a world with others so much like myself; young, bright individuals who saw greater things for this world who were all trying to make it somehow in this strange, unrelenting, and some times unforgiving world.
Making such immediate connections was one of the last things I could have expected but I am overtly grateful for the magic that brought us all together.
Between the months of June through September my circle and I joined in ritual, meditation and community as we learned about each other, ourselves and our place here on Earth.
I was fortunate to spend a couple of months as a reader with the Portland Psychic Gallery and hope to return to it as a regular this year.
In August I was surprised by my guides and the Universe as once again magic took hold and introduced me to my current partner. I won't spend too much time on that particular piece as it could be a post all on its own, and may very well be.
By the time my last post of 2015 was published I had accepted a second, seasonal position and am now a regular member during high traffic times as well as reclaimed my previous supervisory position with my permanate employer.
As I look ahead into 2016 I am excited to continue with an open heart to the blessings awaiting me and of course to those that are already on their way to me.
I am diving into learning and working with chakras on a deeper level. Up until now I've had a rather basic knowledge but this year, both my boyfriend and I will focusing on our chakras one by one.
I will also be attending my first public ritual - ever. This ritual will be celebrating Imbolc, which you may recall is one of my favorite Sabbats. I even picked up the new book from Llewellyn's Sabbat Essentials - Imbolc Rituals, Recipes & Lore for Brigid's Day by Carl F. Neal.
If you need a refresher on this holiday or are simply curious, check out the article I wrote about this holiday last year: Imbolc and the Festival of Lights.
I will attending my first ever magical conference come April and I am very much looking forward to that also. If you're interested in the events and want to know more, I'll leave the links below for you.
I hope to be able to return to pulling a monthly tarot and weekly oracle card for my lovely readers on a regular basis as before and will probably begin that again next week.
I'll also be writing about my tarot card for 2016 and reflecting on my tarot card for 2015, so stay tuned for that!
For now my dears, I say goodnight and wish you all the sweetest of dreams.
In light and love,
Thealynn
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Samhain Crossroads
Hey there lovelies,
A couple of weeks back I shared my second book review, and was prepared and ready to sit down and write my article on Samhain just like I have for the last few holidays, and as you can see, I did not.
In the end I felt called to spend the day quietly with my boyfriend, reflecting and embracing the changes that have come my way, the difficulties of the earlier part of the year, and how I intended to spend the remainder of the calendar year.
At the beginning of this year I was excited and motivated, and determined that 2015 would be my year. It has definitely been on of the most difficult years of my short life, admittedly a lot of the struggles I faced were self made, and thus the majority of this year has been about taking responsibility and finding ways to regroup, amend, and move forward.
These are subjects that I have spoken of in the past, and I suspect that the journey is just beginning. Three and a half years ago my world collapsed and I was forced to start fresh. It was a necessary trial and I wouldn't necessarily say I'm grateful for the pain that was endured, but it did place me in a position to begin working through the negativity and way of life that kept me frozen; chained to those around me. I had built my life around people, and once they were gone I didn't remember what life was like before them.
This past year held a similar lesson. This past year has been a challenge to face certain truths about myself, and learning how I possess all the power I could ever need to live any kind of life I choose.
The struggles, the mistakes, the hiding away-they were all conscious decisions I made because I believed myself too weak to choose better for myself.
Maintaining this mentality that I have complete control over my life, that I choose everything about this life is not an easy task, and in fact it's painful some times-but it's always temporary.
I've made jokes in the past about faith being a crutch, about how if I had known how difficult it can be to believe this way, how I might have chosen differently.
But what I have come to realize it that the pain, the uncertainty, and the self doubt are really just growing pains.
Per tradition, I meditated on Samhain and traveled to ancient Greece to meet with Hecate, goddess of the Crossroads and Gate Keeper to the Underworld.
During this meeting she showed me the various crossroads of my life and how for the most part, I had chosen to walk blindly or simply not taken the time to consider my direction. She then took me to the current crossroad before me and left me with a single torch to light my way.
After some consideration I made my choice and walked along the path for some time before coming to what appeared to be a door. Sitting a few feet ahead of the door stood a black dog, a messenger from the goddess. I knelt down to eye level with the dog and reached out my hand but before I could touch it, the dog turned and and ran through the door just as a ghost might pass through a wall. I stood back up unsure of how to proceed. It was then that I felt something cold on my chest and looked down to find a simple skeleton key tied to a ribbon around my neck. Looking back to the door I took a step forward and another until I too passed through the door without so much as looking for a knob or handle.
On the other side of the door she stood, her helper by her side. She explained to me how I have always held the key to my hearts desires and simple had to decide to go after them, regardless of what might lie in front of me. She pointed behind me and when I followed her gaze, the door was gone as if it never was.
The door was a symbol for all of the road blocks we create for ourselves because we're afraid of what the other side might look like.
If you've been with me for any amount of time, then you know that fear is something that I have struggled with releasing for a long time.
I used to get really down on myself for being and doing all of the things that I knew stood in my way-for standing in my own way.
But I've been learning how to be proud, and to be grateful for the progress I've made, because I have made progress. I have not stopped growing, I have not stopped learning, and in that process, I have learned to be grateful. Truly grateful.
As we head into the dark time of the year, our ancestors would turn inward; not just physically but magically also. In the past few months I have been focusing on the phases of the moon, and how best to work with the energy of each phase.
I have done so much shadow work, so much release and now I think it is time for me to focus on healing and manifesting my gratitude. I will also spend this time examining how I wish to grow and what I would like to perhaps incorporate into my path.
I hope that Samhain was spent in good company, in the physical realm as well as spiritual. May the God and Goddess keep you and yours during this dark time of year until the Sun's great rebirth at Yule.
Sending you and yours light and love,
Thealynn
A couple of weeks back I shared my second book review, and was prepared and ready to sit down and write my article on Samhain just like I have for the last few holidays, and as you can see, I did not.
In the end I felt called to spend the day quietly with my boyfriend, reflecting and embracing the changes that have come my way, the difficulties of the earlier part of the year, and how I intended to spend the remainder of the calendar year.
At the beginning of this year I was excited and motivated, and determined that 2015 would be my year. It has definitely been on of the most difficult years of my short life, admittedly a lot of the struggles I faced were self made, and thus the majority of this year has been about taking responsibility and finding ways to regroup, amend, and move forward.
These are subjects that I have spoken of in the past, and I suspect that the journey is just beginning. Three and a half years ago my world collapsed and I was forced to start fresh. It was a necessary trial and I wouldn't necessarily say I'm grateful for the pain that was endured, but it did place me in a position to begin working through the negativity and way of life that kept me frozen; chained to those around me. I had built my life around people, and once they were gone I didn't remember what life was like before them.
This past year held a similar lesson. This past year has been a challenge to face certain truths about myself, and learning how I possess all the power I could ever need to live any kind of life I choose.
The struggles, the mistakes, the hiding away-they were all conscious decisions I made because I believed myself too weak to choose better for myself.
Maintaining this mentality that I have complete control over my life, that I choose everything about this life is not an easy task, and in fact it's painful some times-but it's always temporary.
I've made jokes in the past about faith being a crutch, about how if I had known how difficult it can be to believe this way, how I might have chosen differently.
But what I have come to realize it that the pain, the uncertainty, and the self doubt are really just growing pains.
Per tradition, I meditated on Samhain and traveled to ancient Greece to meet with Hecate, goddess of the Crossroads and Gate Keeper to the Underworld.
During this meeting she showed me the various crossroads of my life and how for the most part, I had chosen to walk blindly or simply not taken the time to consider my direction. She then took me to the current crossroad before me and left me with a single torch to light my way.
After some consideration I made my choice and walked along the path for some time before coming to what appeared to be a door. Sitting a few feet ahead of the door stood a black dog, a messenger from the goddess. I knelt down to eye level with the dog and reached out my hand but before I could touch it, the dog turned and and ran through the door just as a ghost might pass through a wall. I stood back up unsure of how to proceed. It was then that I felt something cold on my chest and looked down to find a simple skeleton key tied to a ribbon around my neck. Looking back to the door I took a step forward and another until I too passed through the door without so much as looking for a knob or handle.
On the other side of the door she stood, her helper by her side. She explained to me how I have always held the key to my hearts desires and simple had to decide to go after them, regardless of what might lie in front of me. She pointed behind me and when I followed her gaze, the door was gone as if it never was.
The door was a symbol for all of the road blocks we create for ourselves because we're afraid of what the other side might look like.
If you've been with me for any amount of time, then you know that fear is something that I have struggled with releasing for a long time.
I used to get really down on myself for being and doing all of the things that I knew stood in my way-for standing in my own way.
But I've been learning how to be proud, and to be grateful for the progress I've made, because I have made progress. I have not stopped growing, I have not stopped learning, and in that process, I have learned to be grateful. Truly grateful.
As we head into the dark time of the year, our ancestors would turn inward; not just physically but magically also. In the past few months I have been focusing on the phases of the moon, and how best to work with the energy of each phase.
I have done so much shadow work, so much release and now I think it is time for me to focus on healing and manifesting my gratitude. I will also spend this time examining how I wish to grow and what I would like to perhaps incorporate into my path.
I hope that Samhain was spent in good company, in the physical realm as well as spiritual. May the God and Goddess keep you and yours during this dark time of year until the Sun's great rebirth at Yule.
Sending you and yours light and love,
Thealynn
Thursday, October 29, 2015
BR: The Pagan Book of Halloweeen
Hello again my dears,
It is safe to say that we are officially in my favorite time of the year-autumn! And with that of course comes the second largest American holiday - Halloween!
And before I jump in I want to apologize for cutting it so close with this review. I got the lion's share of it done a couple of weeks back but the Universe has been keeping me on my toes and I have been doing my best to keep up! Following shortly will be my article about this upcoming (or you know, right around the corner!) turning of the wheel, Samhain!
Now, being a pagan, I am usually too busy focusing on Samhain to recognize Halloween on the 31st of October, but I am trying to be better about merging the worlds as it were. One of the best ways I can think of doing so is by getting a wide understanding of both aspects of this special day.
I've had this book for a few years and have only read it once, I thought now would be the perfect opportunity, and another excuse to perhaps add this book to my suggestions list. Which one of these days I might actually get around to make...
Anywho! The book being reviewed today is The Pagan Book of Halloween: A Complete Guide to Magick, Incantations, Recipes, Spells, and Lore by Gerina Dunwich. This title was published in 2000 with a whopping 176 pages prior to the bibliography and index to which it doesn't quiet reach 200 pages.
I do want to throw it out there that she does mention some Wiccan perspectives, but the book itself is not written from a Wiccan stand point. I really felt as though the book was written from as unbiased position as possible - which I think is important when you're looking for general information.
One thing that I not only enjoy as a reader but appreciate as someone who has done my homework; is the way that the author addresses the facts regarding the early days of Samhain in Ireland when it was being practiced by ancient Druids.
She doesn't use flowery language to explain why the Druids had human and animal sacrifices, she just explains it. She doesn't point fingers at the offenses of the early Roman church against the people of Western Europe after Constantine declared Christianity the official religion of the empire; she gets straight to the heart of the journey of this ancient holiday.
Rather than spending an exorbitant amount of time with dates and names that might not be remembered later, she gives us the highlights, which might seem lazy to some, but from where I'm sitting curled up with my kitty and some tea it makes the information a bit easier to take in, and return to at a later time so that if there's something specific that catches one's attention, it's not like diving into a giant pool of information which can be difficult to navigate.
Dunwich spends a chapter discussing variations of this holiday celebrated throughout the world. One such holiday that seems to have grown popular in pop culture has been Dia de los Muertos, and their tradtional sugar skulls.
I really enjoyed that she took the time to shine light on how this is not just a holiday for North America, but that there is a world wide observance when it comes to honoring the dead; painting that much of a broader picture for this mystical day.
She even spends a couple of chapters going into the history and associations of common figures we see during the commercialized Halloween; Jack O'Lanterns, scarecrows, ghosts, vampires and of course, she spends a decent chunk on witches.
Along with touching on olden day divination practices, there is a small section for spells, ritual ideas, and recipes to round out the book.
Over all I really enjoyed reading this little book. It's a great way to introduce beginners to this ancient holiday without overwhelming them and potentially scaring them to death.
(Sorry, I had to sneak one joke in there.)
I hope you have enjoyed this book review and I hope that this was helpful!
I'm looking forward to talking about Samhain with you, the article should be live tomorrow along with a fun announcement!
Take care loves!
In light and love,
Thealynn
It is safe to say that we are officially in my favorite time of the year-autumn! And with that of course comes the second largest American holiday - Halloween!
And before I jump in I want to apologize for cutting it so close with this review. I got the lion's share of it done a couple of weeks back but the Universe has been keeping me on my toes and I have been doing my best to keep up! Following shortly will be my article about this upcoming (or you know, right around the corner!) turning of the wheel, Samhain!
Now, being a pagan, I am usually too busy focusing on Samhain to recognize Halloween on the 31st of October, but I am trying to be better about merging the worlds as it were. One of the best ways I can think of doing so is by getting a wide understanding of both aspects of this special day.
I've had this book for a few years and have only read it once, I thought now would be the perfect opportunity, and another excuse to perhaps add this book to my suggestions list. Which one of these days I might actually get around to make...
Anywho! The book being reviewed today is The Pagan Book of Halloween: A Complete Guide to Magick, Incantations, Recipes, Spells, and Lore by Gerina Dunwich. This title was published in 2000 with a whopping 176 pages prior to the bibliography and index to which it doesn't quiet reach 200 pages.
I do want to throw it out there that she does mention some Wiccan perspectives, but the book itself is not written from a Wiccan stand point. I really felt as though the book was written from as unbiased position as possible - which I think is important when you're looking for general information.
One thing that I not only enjoy as a reader but appreciate as someone who has done my homework; is the way that the author addresses the facts regarding the early days of Samhain in Ireland when it was being practiced by ancient Druids.
She doesn't use flowery language to explain why the Druids had human and animal sacrifices, she just explains it. She doesn't point fingers at the offenses of the early Roman church against the people of Western Europe after Constantine declared Christianity the official religion of the empire; she gets straight to the heart of the journey of this ancient holiday.
Rather than spending an exorbitant amount of time with dates and names that might not be remembered later, she gives us the highlights, which might seem lazy to some, but from where I'm sitting curled up with my kitty and some tea it makes the information a bit easier to take in, and return to at a later time so that if there's something specific that catches one's attention, it's not like diving into a giant pool of information which can be difficult to navigate.
Dunwich spends a chapter discussing variations of this holiday celebrated throughout the world. One such holiday that seems to have grown popular in pop culture has been Dia de los Muertos, and their tradtional sugar skulls.
I really enjoyed that she took the time to shine light on how this is not just a holiday for North America, but that there is a world wide observance when it comes to honoring the dead; painting that much of a broader picture for this mystical day.
She even spends a couple of chapters going into the history and associations of common figures we see during the commercialized Halloween; Jack O'Lanterns, scarecrows, ghosts, vampires and of course, she spends a decent chunk on witches.
Along with touching on olden day divination practices, there is a small section for spells, ritual ideas, and recipes to round out the book.
Over all I really enjoyed reading this little book. It's a great way to introduce beginners to this ancient holiday without overwhelming them and potentially scaring them to death.
(Sorry, I had to sneak one joke in there.)
I hope you have enjoyed this book review and I hope that this was helpful!
I'm looking forward to talking about Samhain with you, the article should be live tomorrow along with a fun announcement!
Take care loves!
In light and love,
Thealynn
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Oh, So Much to Say
Hey there loves,
Of all the things I've written about here Through the Secret Door, I honestly feel like today's topic is one of the most difficult thus far. My opinions are what make this blog, and even though I do share factual information regarding certain subjects, today I am speaking completely from my soul, these views are what make the most sense to me, and as most personal beliefs do, admittedly they provide a little comfort.
For those who do not already know, I call the Pacific Northwest of the United States home. For anyone who watches the news or is simply on social media, there was yet another shooting last week, this time in Roseburg, Oregon. This hits extremely close to home being that I am originally from Salem, and what's more is that a very dear friend of mine is from Roseburg, itself.
On the day of, I was on the way to work when I learned of the shooting, and as I read updated news during my forty minute trip - rest assured I was not driving, I found myself fighting to hold back tears which was only mildly successful.
Once I had finished with the most recent information, I found myself rather puzzled as to why this particular shooting was so upsetting to me. It wasn't in my hometown or my school, it wasn't in my current town of residence, these were not people that I knew and no one I did know was connected to this tragedy, was I perhaps more connected to my home state then I had thought?
Throughout my shift at work, in the back of my mind I tried to piece together why I was so upset, what about this particular incident was so different then all of the rest?
When I arrived back home that evening I hopped back online to see if there was a new update, and mostly what I saw was others reaching out to the families and friends of those who were killed, a few religious messages thrown in, and a couple of jack offs who didn't respect the dead enough to wait a full twenty-four hours before defending the use of guns.
In the next couple of days that followed I was still trying to sort out what had seemingly gotten under my skin so easily. It wasn't until I was discussing the shooting with my boyfriend that the picture began to take shape.
Now, this is where it gets tricky for me to tie everything together, so please bear with me. What I was able to narrow down was the idea that these individuals died for seemingly no reason. Which then lead me to the series of questions I think everyone struggles with:
If there is a higher power (call it whatever you like) that has the ability to stop these things from happening, why do they still happen?
Is said higher power so committed to the idea of 'free will' that they are content to sit back and watch us kill each other?
If there is no higher power, or 'master plan' then why are we all here in the first place?
During various conversations with several people, I've found myself making the joke, "If someone had told me how hard it is living this way/being a pagan, I might have changed my mind about being one/living this way."
And while it is said in jest, there is a ring of truth to it. One thing that sets pagans apart from most other religions and philosophies is that if you don't identify with a specific branch such as Wicca or Druidry, just to provide examples, then you're pretty much on your own for figuring things out.
What's more is that as we continue to grow and learn, our perspectives change, and thus our beliefs can evolve right along with them.
I've been familiar with the idea of karma for a long time now, as most of us are. One new concept that I was introduced to a couple of years ago was the idea of soul contracts. The idea of soul contracts is tied into the idea of reincarnation, and from my perspective, takes it one step further.
Reincarnation is the belief that you live more than once, and in doing so, part of that process is that you work towards freeing yourself from karmic debt. The main idea being that if you're here, it's because you have karmic debt, so don't worry too much about being the odd one out. I do feel that there is more to it than that, but in the interest of staying on topic, I will digress for the time being.
Now, soul contracts are the belief that before you come into this world again, you agree on what you are going to experience in this life time. That includes the good and the not so good. You make agreements with every other individual you encounter and you agree to the extent of your interaction with them.
Believe me, when I first heard about this concept, I was not a fan-at all. Why on earth would you agree to go through potentially horrible things?
But then I remembered past conversations about some of the struggles I've been through, especially those which contributed to my PTSD. I've said multiple times that even though those times were hard, that despite it all, I wouldn't go back and change anything about my life - for the simple reason that it's made me who I am. During those conversations I've also said that if my painful experiences are able to help others in one form or another, then they are completely worth it.
I took a moment to try and fit all of these potentially separate thoughts together because there seemed to be a connection there, I just had to find it.
The more I thought on it, the more I realized that I was going to really have to be open to any answers that might be waiting for me to come across. Perhaps even answers that I didn't necessarily like. I tried to look at things on a grander scale versus just me in my own little world.
I looked back on history and began to think...There has been so much violence, so much war, so many deaths, so many injustices; until someone said enough was enough, until someone said that we as people are better than this, so why are we not doing better?
It's horrible and upsetting to think that we need so much tragedy to make positive change, that we need such a major push. But what do we call the people who commit these monstrosities? Well, the answer is right there; we call them monsters, we call them animals.
We as people like to think that we're at the top of the food chain, and somehow we're better than every other species on the planet - but what makes us so? That we know the difference between right and wrong, that we're vastly intelligent, that we have a verbal language?
We are animals at our core. The one true thing that sets us apart from every other species is that we have the ability and the choice to become better than what we are. We have the opportunity to become enlightened and what's more to share our journeys to enlightenment.
Not all of us choose, there are some who blatantly stick to their guns, and remain savage.
But why? Why would you choose to take that route? Is it simply because that's the price we pay for being human? Or is something bigger than that? Does it have something to do with this higher power, this Universe that is based on balance that requires such things?
Being that I am here to have a human experience, means that somewhere along the line I agreed that I wouldn't have all of the answers.
I cannot begin to fathom what the 'bigger picture' is and I cannot say with any certainty that I will ever truly understand, and I believe that if I did know it would defeat the purpose of me being here at all.
I feel as though I do know what my purpose is for this life, if perhaps only one aspect of it. And rather than drive myself crazy trying to figure out why people do the things that they do, or fool myself into thinking that the most recent victims of a mass shooting died without reason, I like to think that before they arrived for this life, they agreed to die when they did.
Maybe it was to work off some karmic debt; maybe it was to help inspire someone they knew into accomplishing something they might not have otherwise; maybe it was to bring awareness to gun violence, and by extension be a part of the solution and to help be the a contributing factor to the question: how many more innocent people have to die before we make appropriate changes?
Regardless of their reasons for doing so, I find it to make much more sense and to believe that their purpose was fulfilled in the time that they had here.
As I said before, the idea I just shared does provide comfort. It doesn't take away from the devastation, or sense of loss, or the frustration that is being felt - no more than it does when people say, "it was just their time to go or the Lord/Jesus/God decided to bring them home."
I truly believe that there are lessons out there in very situation, most often the valuable lessons are learned in the most painful of times. No one said that life was going to be easy, but isn't it the trials that makes us push ourselves and evolve into the best versions of who we are?
My heart goes out to all of those who were affected by this event. I will be honoring those that passed in the shooting during Samhain, but not just those who passed in Roseburg, but any and all who have been the victims of senseless gun violence.
I would encourage all of you to do the same; honor them, acknowledge that their time here and their passing was not in vain, thank them for their contribution to creating a better world. Changes are being made, even if we here on Earth can't see them yet.
I would like to take a moment and say that I normally do not get political here, and while I cannot promise that I will not in the future, I will say this - for me it comes down to the fact that the system we have is not working; our loved ones, our country men and women, our children are suffering because of it, so let's do what what needs to be done for the highest good of all, and change things.
For those who stayed with me and read this entire article, I want to thank you. The topics discussed here were probably no easier to read about than they were to write about.
If you are in the midst of exploring what you believe when it comes to life, death, and the after life, I would encourage you to do some research into what rings truest for you. And never be afraid to take your time developing what you believe, and never feel like you have to justify what it is that you believe.
This is your path, this is your journey, this is your life. Make the most of it, and hold those you love close to you.
I would like to leave you with one final thought.
Throughout my relatively short life, my beliefs have been all across the map. From atheist, to agnostic, to christian, to pagan, and of course some nooks and crannies in between. There were times that I believed in everything and times when I believed in nothing; with one exception.
For the majority of my time here I believed in one thing - that there is a reason for everything. We might not like the reason, we might think it's a stupid reason, we might not know what the reason is right away, we might never know what the reason is. But there is always a reason.
Sending you and yours light and love,
Thealynn
Of all the things I've written about here Through the Secret Door, I honestly feel like today's topic is one of the most difficult thus far. My opinions are what make this blog, and even though I do share factual information regarding certain subjects, today I am speaking completely from my soul, these views are what make the most sense to me, and as most personal beliefs do, admittedly they provide a little comfort.
For those who do not already know, I call the Pacific Northwest of the United States home. For anyone who watches the news or is simply on social media, there was yet another shooting last week, this time in Roseburg, Oregon. This hits extremely close to home being that I am originally from Salem, and what's more is that a very dear friend of mine is from Roseburg, itself.
On the day of, I was on the way to work when I learned of the shooting, and as I read updated news during my forty minute trip - rest assured I was not driving, I found myself fighting to hold back tears which was only mildly successful.
Once I had finished with the most recent information, I found myself rather puzzled as to why this particular shooting was so upsetting to me. It wasn't in my hometown or my school, it wasn't in my current town of residence, these were not people that I knew and no one I did know was connected to this tragedy, was I perhaps more connected to my home state then I had thought?
Throughout my shift at work, in the back of my mind I tried to piece together why I was so upset, what about this particular incident was so different then all of the rest?
When I arrived back home that evening I hopped back online to see if there was a new update, and mostly what I saw was others reaching out to the families and friends of those who were killed, a few religious messages thrown in, and a couple of jack offs who didn't respect the dead enough to wait a full twenty-four hours before defending the use of guns.
In the next couple of days that followed I was still trying to sort out what had seemingly gotten under my skin so easily. It wasn't until I was discussing the shooting with my boyfriend that the picture began to take shape.
Now, this is where it gets tricky for me to tie everything together, so please bear with me. What I was able to narrow down was the idea that these individuals died for seemingly no reason. Which then lead me to the series of questions I think everyone struggles with:
If there is a higher power (call it whatever you like) that has the ability to stop these things from happening, why do they still happen?
Is said higher power so committed to the idea of 'free will' that they are content to sit back and watch us kill each other?
If there is no higher power, or 'master plan' then why are we all here in the first place?
During various conversations with several people, I've found myself making the joke, "If someone had told me how hard it is living this way/being a pagan, I might have changed my mind about being one/living this way."
And while it is said in jest, there is a ring of truth to it. One thing that sets pagans apart from most other religions and philosophies is that if you don't identify with a specific branch such as Wicca or Druidry, just to provide examples, then you're pretty much on your own for figuring things out.
What's more is that as we continue to grow and learn, our perspectives change, and thus our beliefs can evolve right along with them.
I've been familiar with the idea of karma for a long time now, as most of us are. One new concept that I was introduced to a couple of years ago was the idea of soul contracts. The idea of soul contracts is tied into the idea of reincarnation, and from my perspective, takes it one step further.
Reincarnation is the belief that you live more than once, and in doing so, part of that process is that you work towards freeing yourself from karmic debt. The main idea being that if you're here, it's because you have karmic debt, so don't worry too much about being the odd one out. I do feel that there is more to it than that, but in the interest of staying on topic, I will digress for the time being.
Now, soul contracts are the belief that before you come into this world again, you agree on what you are going to experience in this life time. That includes the good and the not so good. You make agreements with every other individual you encounter and you agree to the extent of your interaction with them.
Believe me, when I first heard about this concept, I was not a fan-at all. Why on earth would you agree to go through potentially horrible things?
But then I remembered past conversations about some of the struggles I've been through, especially those which contributed to my PTSD. I've said multiple times that even though those times were hard, that despite it all, I wouldn't go back and change anything about my life - for the simple reason that it's made me who I am. During those conversations I've also said that if my painful experiences are able to help others in one form or another, then they are completely worth it.
I took a moment to try and fit all of these potentially separate thoughts together because there seemed to be a connection there, I just had to find it.
The more I thought on it, the more I realized that I was going to really have to be open to any answers that might be waiting for me to come across. Perhaps even answers that I didn't necessarily like. I tried to look at things on a grander scale versus just me in my own little world.
I looked back on history and began to think...There has been so much violence, so much war, so many deaths, so many injustices; until someone said enough was enough, until someone said that we as people are better than this, so why are we not doing better?
It's horrible and upsetting to think that we need so much tragedy to make positive change, that we need such a major push. But what do we call the people who commit these monstrosities? Well, the answer is right there; we call them monsters, we call them animals.
We as people like to think that we're at the top of the food chain, and somehow we're better than every other species on the planet - but what makes us so? That we know the difference between right and wrong, that we're vastly intelligent, that we have a verbal language?
We are animals at our core. The one true thing that sets us apart from every other species is that we have the ability and the choice to become better than what we are. We have the opportunity to become enlightened and what's more to share our journeys to enlightenment.
Not all of us choose, there are some who blatantly stick to their guns, and remain savage.
But why? Why would you choose to take that route? Is it simply because that's the price we pay for being human? Or is something bigger than that? Does it have something to do with this higher power, this Universe that is based on balance that requires such things?
Being that I am here to have a human experience, means that somewhere along the line I agreed that I wouldn't have all of the answers.
I cannot begin to fathom what the 'bigger picture' is and I cannot say with any certainty that I will ever truly understand, and I believe that if I did know it would defeat the purpose of me being here at all.
I feel as though I do know what my purpose is for this life, if perhaps only one aspect of it. And rather than drive myself crazy trying to figure out why people do the things that they do, or fool myself into thinking that the most recent victims of a mass shooting died without reason, I like to think that before they arrived for this life, they agreed to die when they did.
Maybe it was to work off some karmic debt; maybe it was to help inspire someone they knew into accomplishing something they might not have otherwise; maybe it was to bring awareness to gun violence, and by extension be a part of the solution and to help be the a contributing factor to the question: how many more innocent people have to die before we make appropriate changes?
Regardless of their reasons for doing so, I find it to make much more sense and to believe that their purpose was fulfilled in the time that they had here.
As I said before, the idea I just shared does provide comfort. It doesn't take away from the devastation, or sense of loss, or the frustration that is being felt - no more than it does when people say, "it was just their time to go or the Lord/Jesus/God decided to bring them home."
I truly believe that there are lessons out there in very situation, most often the valuable lessons are learned in the most painful of times. No one said that life was going to be easy, but isn't it the trials that makes us push ourselves and evolve into the best versions of who we are?
My heart goes out to all of those who were affected by this event. I will be honoring those that passed in the shooting during Samhain, but not just those who passed in Roseburg, but any and all who have been the victims of senseless gun violence.
I would encourage all of you to do the same; honor them, acknowledge that their time here and their passing was not in vain, thank them for their contribution to creating a better world. Changes are being made, even if we here on Earth can't see them yet.
I would like to take a moment and say that I normally do not get political here, and while I cannot promise that I will not in the future, I will say this - for me it comes down to the fact that the system we have is not working; our loved ones, our country men and women, our children are suffering because of it, so let's do what what needs to be done for the highest good of all, and change things.
For those who stayed with me and read this entire article, I want to thank you. The topics discussed here were probably no easier to read about than they were to write about.
If you are in the midst of exploring what you believe when it comes to life, death, and the after life, I would encourage you to do some research into what rings truest for you. And never be afraid to take your time developing what you believe, and never feel like you have to justify what it is that you believe.
This is your path, this is your journey, this is your life. Make the most of it, and hold those you love close to you.
I would like to leave you with one final thought.
Throughout my relatively short life, my beliefs have been all across the map. From atheist, to agnostic, to christian, to pagan, and of course some nooks and crannies in between. There were times that I believed in everything and times when I believed in nothing; with one exception.
For the majority of my time here I believed in one thing - that there is a reason for everything. We might not like the reason, we might think it's a stupid reason, we might not know what the reason is right away, we might never know what the reason is. But there is always a reason.
Sending you and yours light and love,
Thealynn
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