As We Grow

Hey there loves,

Over this last year I have talked a lot about the struggles I have faced, my doubts and my insecurities and how helpless everything has felt at times. I have shared some of my darkest moments with strangers whom I might never meet, I have been vulnerable through an empty screen not because it's easier to do than to be with so with people, but because this blog really has turned into a giant mirror for me. 

Writing has provided this incredible opportunity to take a long hard look and to face the emotions and thoughts that might not have a voice otherwise. I'll be the first to admit that for a long time I struggled with what I should be writing about because I just had trouble finding the words. 

I would start off well enough and then something would happen, ranging from up setting to traumatic, and simply taking the time to process it through before coming back always felt necessary. Looking back through my postings it seems that there are far fewer instances where I have shared something on the lighter side of my life because in truth, writing has always been a tool in which to process my experiences and I think it's fair to say that our more difficult experiences are those that require that time and that energy to get through them. 

Because when we experience something positive, we live it with ease, perhaps even excitement. I think others would agree that when we have a positive experience that it flows through us, we don't always stop to think how it's going to affect us moving forward; unlike when we experience something painful.

This past week I had my last session with the individual I had been seeing not only for my mental health, but for my spiritual health as well. For the better part of a year I had been seeing this healer speaking to them on topics ranging all over my life, and by the end of our session it was apparent to both of us that I was in possibly the best shape I have ever been in. 

They recalled our first session and how emotional it was for the both of us. I remember sitting in that chair across from them just as I was then, and feeling so safe despite having not developed a relationship with them at that point. I remembered crying so openly and feeling the love and support and an unspeakable trust that this was the person that was going to help me find myself again. 

I was filled with this strange combination of feeling that I was ready to essentially go on without them, and yet not wanting to be finished. I had been able to make so much progress with their support and guidance that I was almost hesitant to trust that inner knowing that told me I was ready. 

It took some time to sink in that I was in fact ready to take that next step forward. I had spent so much of this last year working towards very specific goals and now that those goals have been reached, there was an opportunity for the question, 'now what?'

But there wasn't. Instead I was able to embrace the gratitude I felt in my heart for this amazing person who showed me how best to help myself, and how to truly listen when Spirit spoke to me. My last session with them was the first in over a month due to a much needed sabbatical they were called to. During that time I was given the chance to take everything that they had taught me and really run with it, and it led me to finding new avenues to pursue. It also provided me with an opportunity to really show myself how ready I am for this next step.

Normally about this time is when fear and anxiety would kick in, and I would begin to think how much of a mistake it was to agree to end the sessions. Or I would be worried and confused about what exactly 'the next step' is supposed to be. 

Rather than that being the case, I feel at peace, I feel ready and excited to take that next step even though I know that it's going to be a short while before I begin the next leg of my journey. In an attempt not be to impatient, I'm allowing myself the time to process how much I've accomplished, and give myself a chance to take a deep breath and rest peacefully in my triumphs. 

For the first time in what seems like so long, I feel a sense of genuine peace, not because I think I'm healed and can put the past behind me. But because I trust the tools I have been given and because I trust that I know how to use them. I know my path and I trust that I am being guided to those who will help me along the way. 

It's a remarkable feeling, I hope that this feeling will only grow stronger, just as I grow stronger.

image from Poem Porn

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Full Moon in Virgo Tarot Reading

Hey there loves, 

If you have been with me before then this might appear a bit different to you. In a slightly unintentional move while attempting some editing, I ended up deleting all of the pages I've had on my blog; most of which had been deactivated but were still visible, in an effort to remove them, I ended up removing the page where the Monthly Tarot Card used to be.

Rather then attempting to recreate it and to redo the page with every new card, for the time being, I have decided to simply add the Full Moon Tarot Card each month as a regular post, this way those who wish to do so will be able to go back through previous postings and see previous card readings.

With all of that being said! If you are new with me, I have been pulling a monthly tarot card for the majority of my time blogging, and recently felt called to pull during the full moon of each month rather than at the beginning of the month.

When I pull a card, I pull for the general collective, for anyone who either follows my blog on a regular basis or maybe they just check in from time to time. I always smudge myself and my cards before a reading to ensure that not only am I focused but that I am in sacred space to allow the energy and flow of the messages are clear and concise from Spirit.

The deck that I will be using for these monthly card readings is the Oceanic Tarot by Jayne Wallace.

Card: The Vortex
Keywords: Illusions, Temptation

Before I jump into this, I want to openly acknowledge that I am roughly a week behind the full moon, as I stated about, I had this all ready to go and in a twist of fate or humor depending on how you choose to look at it, I lost everything I had written about this reading.

I became frustrated with it all and decided to wait until I had a clear head to really convey the message of this card. And if I'm being completely honest, I think it really worked out in the long run because I've been able to spend this time reflecting on how this card is as much a reminder for me as it is for everyone who is going to see this.

One thing I want to point out about this card is that in the traditional tarot, this card would be the Devil card. However, I feel like the message is so similar that it's almost too on the button, but I think that's how things are when they really hit home.

The Vortex shows to Merfolk caught in an underwater tempest with no real way of knowing if they are capable of making it out or not. I feel that this reflects life a lot of times, or rather, how we view life a lot of the time.

"If it's not one shit show, it's another." Translates to, "If it's not one storm, it's another."

It's tempting to maintain the illusion of continuously being stuck inside of a storm, going from one problem to the next, having to deal with this bullshit here and that bullshit there, when is it ever going to let up?

What this card is asking us to do is to really be honest with ourselves and to break free of the illusion of blame. So often we end up blaming other people for the situations that we find ourselves in, and we do this to the point where we end up refusing to take any form of responsibility. Thus feeding the Vortex, and keeping us in a place of perpetual unhappiness.

The Vortex is asking us to cut the crap and to really be open with ourselves when it comes to the extent of making our own hell. The only person keeping us trapped in that space is ourselves, and the only one who can free us, is ourselves.

When we look at the card we can see the two Merfolk not even close to each other, and yet they wouldn't be able to help each other escape if they can't even get themselves out first.

We encounter so many situations that test our patience, our resolve, our strength; no one said that life was easy. We only have control over ourselves, and how we chose to react to the obstacles that enter our path. That's not to say to never get angry or frustrated, that's just part of the human package, the trick is to not stay in that place.

If you allow yourself to stew and dwell in the negative spaces, that's all you'll be able to see because that is all you will attract to yourself. Leaving the Vortex can be difficult, but it's not impossible. Again, it all comes down to choice.

With the Spring Equinox just a couple of days away and the New Moon following the next week, this is a prime opportunity to really ask yourself, what kind of vortex have I created for myself, and am I ready to leave?

There is no shame in taking it one day at a time, we all learned how to walk one step at a time. Making the choice every single day is a big step in and of itself.

I genuinely feel that this card and this message came up now because so many of us are already on the path to making this kind of change. I also genuinely believe that when I pull these cards for the collective (meaning anyone who sees this posting) needs this message at exactly the time that they find this reading.

It feel like the world is being shaken awake, and this is part of our wake up call, as individuals who are on the path, or perhaps folks who are trying to find the path. This is for you, this is the Universe telling you that you deserve better and all you have to do is believe that it's true and start treating yourself like you deserve better.

Until next time loves,
be sure to take good care,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Discovering Ostara

Hey there loves,

It's been quite some time since I have taken the time to write about a pagan focused topic, so much of my writing over the last year or so has been very self focused and with the Spring Equinox right around the corner, I wanted to set aside some time and talk about this holiday.

I touched very lightly on the topic a couple of years back when I wrote a very generalized post about the Wheel of the Year. Since I began this blog it has always been my intention to take the time to not only write about but to also celebrate every holiday in the Wheel, and let me tell you, it just hasn't happened.

Looking back through my archives it seems to be that Ostara and Beltane are the two holidays that I've yet to dedicate any real time to. I hope to change that this year, not just with taking time to honor them here but to honor them with ritual and to connect with the deity that the holidays are connected with.

You might recall that for Imbolc, this year, I celebrated in an unusual way, I moved into a new home. There were several things taking place at the same time, and I didn't feel that I could honor Brigid and really recognize Imbolc as I would have liked to. So rather then do nothing, I prayed to Brigid in the early hours of the morning, and invited her to simply be with me in spirit all throughout the day, I even remember carrying boxes to and fro whispering that Brigid was welcome every time I entered into a different room.

Now that I've had time to settle in and to really claim my new home, I want to make sure I take the time to do something extra or simply something fun to welcome the growing strength of the sun as our days become longer and our nights become shorter.

Before jumping into all of that however, let's take a look at the Spring Equinox, also know as Ostara.

Image from avaloncloaks.co.uk

There is one lovely tale about the Goddess walking the Earth, bringing Spring with her very steps. As she traveled she came across a wounded bird, to ease the bird's suffering the Goddess transformed it into a hare. As a way of giving thanks, the hare was still capable of laying eggs, and so every Spring the hare would present its eggs as a gift to the Goddess.

Hares or rabbits are symbols of fertility in many cultures around the world, and with Spring being a time of birth and renewal, and since eggs are so closely connected with the concept of birth (considering we all start out as eggs) it only makes sense that these symbols have traveled with us through the ages and why they are present in our celebrations today.

This day like a couple of other holidays such as Lughnasadh are named after a specific deity, but Ostara or Eostre seems to have very little to do with how this holiday is celebrated. This Germanic goddess of the Spring and dawn is so scarcely mentioned  in any written text that some scholars don't believe that she was a goddess at all. Some even saying that Eostre is really a face of the goddess Freya as she is a goddess of life, death and sexuality, among other attributes.

Don't let that discourage you though, being that this is the Vernal Equinox, and the celebration of life returning to Earth being one of the major themes, even arguably, the major theme to this holiday, there are many more goddesses to work with and invoke during this time. And because this is one of two days throughout the whole year that the day and night are of equal length, it makes perfect sense to honor the divine masculine along side the feminine.

As the Spring is a time of new birth, it's a common practice to work with the goddess in her Maiden aspect, such as Persphone, Aphrodite, Venus, Eos, Blodeuwedd, Gaia, Rati and Flora just to name a few. As for gods that you may choose to work with on this day, there are Dionynsus, Kamadeva, Aengus MacOg, Cernunnos, Pan, Mabon, Dagda, Min, Thor, and the Green Man.

These are all gods and goddess from different pantheons and traditions that have their own connections to birth, rejuvenation, creation, sex, and life. They all bring something to the celebration of life anew, and to coming back to life, and not just the World around us, but an awakening within ourselves as well.

I know that in the past I have shied away from celebrating the Wheel of the Year because I simply had no idea how to observe the holiday. Some times it comes down to not having a space for ritual or feeling that the lack of tools will make your contribution less then what it could be.

There are many ways of observing any holiday, here are a few ideas for you:

You can celebrate by simply lighting a candle and taking a moment to observe what is in need of balance in your life as the Equinox is a day of equal day and night.

Because it is the first day of Spring, you might want to take a walk outside (weather permitting) and see how life is returning to the Earth.

You can wear bright colors; yellow, purple, green, pink. Think of your favorite flower for inspiration if you're feeling stuck.

Now that Winter is over (depending on where you live you might still experience winter weather) start thinking about what goals you want to accomplish, create a 2017 bucket list if you will. Now that the Earth is waking up from her slumber, you might be feeling the itch to begin creating yourself.

If you are stuck inside, try opening up the blinds and letting in some natural light.

If you're looking to work in a little magic, perhaps you could give your alter a nice spruce. Change the alter cloth, use different colored candles, preform a dedication ceremony to help charge the your crafts or goals for the upcoming season.

You can work with crystals such as rose quartz, amazonite, amythest or citrine.

You can try your hand at making your own incense with herbs like meadowsweet, spearmint, clover, lemongrass or lavender.

If you're looking for guidance as we begin the next cycle of the year, perhaps try meditating. Give yourself as much time as you think you might need. Be sure to get into a comfortable position, if you need help concentrating feel free to put on some music, some times that can help us to get into the right frame of mind.

Try to imagine yourself in nature; you may be in a wooded area or perhaps you're in an open field. Just let your intuition take you where you are needed. Imagine that there is still snow on the ground, there is a slight wind in the air, the trees are still bare. Maybe you see a snow hare or birds flying overhead. You're dressed for the weather but you certainly wouldn't mind warming up. As you walk you come across a cabin, there is light emanating from inside and there is a sense of welcome as you come closer. 

You move your hand to knock, but before you can you can hear the door unlatch and you feel the call to let yourself in, so you do. Inside of this little cabin you can see and feel a roaring hearth, there is something wonderful cooking that compliments the smells of the herbs you see all around the cabin; some of the are hanging to dry, some might be in jars or on a work bench. There is a wonderful rug under your feet and you feel at ease in this place. 

You see a large table that has been set, with a generous helping of steaming food already waiting, as if someone was expecting you. Coming around the corner you see your guide, is it a god, is it a goddess, is it both?

Whomever is there to guide you welcomes you into this space with open arms, perhaps they even embrace you and they invite you to sit at the table with them. It is the day/night before the Equinox and they are preparing for the work ahead to bring Winter to a close. They are happy that you have come to celebrate with them, and they are even more filled with joy that you have invited them to guide you. This is your time to speak about your worries, ask your questions, and simply spend time with the Divine. 

As your visit comes to a close, perhaps you want to ask that they continue to visit with you, perhaps you wish to work with them through the Springtime, or even beyond that. As you prepare to leave, be sure to give thanks to them for the time spent with you and for the wisdom shared. As you depart, do they send anything with you? A word, a symbol, maybe an object, did they introduce you to an animal guide?


If you're looking for something that will connect you more with the Earth herself and you need a little rejuvenating, you can try a meditation like this one.

You can imagine yourself as a flower; sleeping soundly waiting for the snow to melt and as it does you can feel the warmth of the sun, giving you strength. Imagine what blooming would feel like, your roots seeping into the ground going deeper and deeper, perhaps you have leaves on your stalk or perhaps you're a bush with many branches. Perhaps you're a single bloom your petals growing stronger and more bold as your reach towards the sun. Opening slowly you soak in the nourishment from not just the sun and the clean air but from the soil beneath you. How do you feel as you grow taller and as you begin to bloom? Do you feel refreshed? Do you feel anxious? Are there other flowers around you? What about other plants or animals?

Doing a meditation like this can help you feel grounded, and to feel the transition from Winter to Spring.

Whenever you are finished meditating, be sure to give yourself plenty of time to come back into your body, wiggle your fingers and your toes, open your eyes slowly, take some deep breaths.

If you're curious about reading materials, I have read both Ostara by Edain McCoy and the Llewellyn's Sabbat Essentials Ostara and enjoyed them both.

I personally feel that Ostara by Edain McCoy goes into considerably more detail and provides a good amount of information from rituals to crafts, to recipes and myths. It is also a considerably larger book.

Ostara from Llewellyn's Sabbat Essentials is a decent take on the subject, is well written and is potentially better for those who don't need or want as much information.


Spring is a wonderful time of transformation, give yourself a chance to step outside of your comfort zone and try something new. Try a meet up, enroll in a class, allow yourself the chance to grow in areas where maybe you thought that you couldn't. You may just surprise yourself.

One finally note, just one week after the Vernal Equinox is the New Moon, yet another great time to set intentions for what you wish to create. This is such a powerful time of year, everything is wide open, you just have to decide what you're going to do with all of that energy.

And don't feel like there is a big rush to accomplish your to-do list. This is just the beginning, give yourself time and space to really develop what you want to bring to life, give yourself a chance to stretch your legs, your wings, your fins, whatever your creative side features. Allow yourself time to awaken just as nature takes time.

Image from rabyabegum.wordpress.com

Brightest Blessings to you and yours during this Vernal Equinox,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Sometimes You Just Gotta Cry

Hey there loves,

I have to say, that typically I like to wait until the end of my writing before a choose a title for my posts, but this one was just right there, that it was too good not to go with.

Do you ever have one of those days, weeks, maybe even months where you just need to cry your eyes out? That was me about a week ago. One night, everything came to a head for me, and I just could not keep myself together for another minute.

About a week ago I got the call that my father had been in a car accident. It was two days before I was able to make it into the city, and I have to tell you, I hope that I never see any one else I love in such a state. I have visited my father in the hospital more then once over the years, it's just how old age goes for some, but this utterly broke my heart.

Returning to home and to work for the next several days was a challenge, and one day, I was just not up for it. I battled with my anxiety and my worry for roughly half of my shift before I threw in the towel. On top of everything else, I had dropped my cell phone into a bin of water and was unreachable for several hours; causing my panic to go into overdrive.

Two hundred dollars later I was able to secure a temporary phone with a replacement on the way. Going home did not feel like a relief but a holding cell. I proceeded to cry for almost an hour as I attempted to confirm plans for the following day and to tell my partner what had happened that day. I managed to ease the rumbling of my stomach before determining that the best thing I could do for my tired soul and body was to take a shower.

I wasn't five minutes in before the weight of the stress that I didn't know I was carrying came roaring out in a flood. I poured my heart out to the Universe about my frustrations and my worries regarding my work space and it was only after I was done that I felt a physical shift and actual release of tension that I was carrying in my chest.

Once it felt like that burden was out of the way, I was able to cry in what can only be described as horror and despair regarding my father's condition. The very idea that the man I know and love might never be the same again shook me to my foundation, and my only thought throughout was; I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to be without him, I'm not ready to not have him here, mentally or physically.

I remember uttering the word 'please' over and over again, and even now I feel myself becoming emotional and the tears falling down my face, but you know, sometimes you just gotta cry a little.

Some where inside it occurred to me that I never allowed myself to cry in relief that the legal journey to justice came out in my favor; that it took less then a year, that I won that battle, that I emerged validated by the courts, that I came out of that court room, knowing that I would never have to face my rapist again.

...When I set out to write this post, I was very much in the throws of living those tears, and feeling slightly off balance as you sometimes do after being so emotionally exhausted.

And even though it's been maybe two weeks since then, I have different reasons to cry.

I can cry with relief that my father is progressing in his recovery, and knowing that this crash could have very easily been so much worse, but it wasn't.

I can cry with acceptance that everyone seems to be on the same page at my day job, and that even though I have no idea what it means, but that things are moving forward there, that things are being resolved, that the stress and anxiety that I have felt is being acknowledged and taken into account.

I can cry with a heart full of gratitude that even though it has been such a treacherous road getting here, that I have built such an incredible life. I could go on for days listing what I have to be grateful for, because there really is so much.

So many little things that are taken for granted every day, that should be basic human rights, and the hard truth is that not everyone has such simple things; like clean drinking water, a warm place to sleep, food to eat, clean clothes, a good paying job that takes care of all of my needs.

I always do my best to look for the silver lining in any given situation, and it's true that I don't always look for it right away. But I think as long as we come back around, and at least try to look at things from a different perspective, it can make such a huge difference.

There have been very few times when I have said that I love my life, and have genuinely and wholeheartedly  meant it. And I hope that when I'm facing a challenge and it feels impossible to overcome, I can come back to this moment and remember how sincerely I feel.

Because even when it doesn't feel like it, there are always reasons to be grateful.

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Starting From the Bottom

Evening loves,

Oh man, today was not an easy day. I haven't talked about my 'day job' here much, mostly because I never felt the need, but something about the combination of the day brought about so much frustration and feelings of resentment and the decision to no longer remain silent.

Not that I feel any particular need to rant and rave about my job, because in truth, I love my job. I love the people I work with, I love the environment, there's very little that I usually complain about. However, there has been a steady decrease in my passion for my place of employment over the last couple of months, and it's very easily contributed to a very specific source.

Up until now I had believed that in time it would work itself out, and all that I needed to do was to stay focused, continue to be me, just do my thing and help out where I am needed because that's just the type of person that I am; and it's not that I don't see people taking notice, it's not that I don't see people very near desperation in their attempts to 'fix' things, I see all of it. But none of it seemed to really matter, not today.

I've been asking myself all day, why today was the day that I finally hit my 'breaking point'. Why was it today that made so much of a difference for me, and why I decided that it was time to speak up, and speak out.

I kept coming back to the same answer, which strangely enough, had nothing to do with my actual job. If today had had one thing missing, I am willing to bet that I would have been able to go on for some time before coming to the point where I am now. Today I dealt with an unexpected visitor; PTSD.

I've talked before about my struggles with not only accepting that I was experiencing PTSD, but some of the tools I've used to help me cope. I'll leave that link here in case anyone is curious or perhaps is in need of some suggestions. Tools and Resources; Healing from Sexual Assault.

It's been some time since I have what I call an 'episode' regarding PTSD, and admittedly, I thought that I was over it. I thought that I had moved past that particular part in my healing process where unexpected triggers were no longer an issue. I was wrong.

Today was a busy day, we were short staffed, I was working to do two people's jobs and the person I was working with has been so stressed out for so long that they are seeking medical attention because they are in consistent physical discomfort.

I knew what the day before me held and I felt confident that I could do everything that was needed of me, I had a game plan in mind and I was going about my day the way I had hoped and expected that I would. Until I saw someone who threw it all out the window. One of my rapists now ex-roommates.

They had been in only a hand full of times altogether and we had even exchanged pleasantries the last time I had seen them. But seeing them today reminded me very much of the first time they came into my building, in which I experienced a full on panic attack as I was alone and frankly had no idea that I would see them or had any inkling of how to handle a panic attack.

The panic and anxiety that I had experienced came not so much from the person, but from the lack of knowing if said person would then go and tell my attacker where I worked, when they had seen me, basically all those things that you simply don't want your rapist to know.

The panic and anxiety that I felt today was more then just unexpected or unwelcomed, it felt unfounded in its presence. All at once I began to think back to when I was prepping for trial and I asked about the two witnesses that would be called forward. Even though they had no clue what had been taking place, they were still considered 'present' during the attack, had been interviewed by police and therefore would provide testimony, one way or the other. I remember my lawyer paraphrasing what they had told the police,

"That's so unlike him."
"I can't believe she would say that about him."

Those two phrases rang in my mind over and over again, and I couldn't help but wonder, why didn't they believe me?

It didn't matter that I barely knew them, and that of course they were friends with him. As shallow and sexiest as it might be, the justification that sprung up was, "I'm a girl, of course they should believe me."

None of it felt right, none of it felt like me. The sickening feeling that perhaps this person harbored ill feelings towards me because I sent their 'friend' to jail. That for whatever reason, I was somehow unbelievable. The possibility that in their minds was the potential belief that somehow I had 'made up' what had happened to and now XYZ was happening in their life, because of me.

I told myself over and over again that their world is so much bigger than me, that any number of things could be happening with them, and that's why they didn't feel like talking. That they refused to even look in my direction if they thought that I might catch them.

None of it seemed to matter, the feelings of disgrace, hurt, and even shame refused to leave for hours on end. I tried to remind myself that I had sent my rapist to jail, and that it was over, there was nothing that could be said to undo what has been done. Which lead to a train of thought even worse.

What if this person thought I was lying because I took 'the easy way out' and agreed to a plea deal rather then insisting that the case go to trial. Was the sentence he received 'too light'? Did those few years behind bars really fit the crime that was committed? How could I have been so selfish to agree to a plea deal? If I had been strong enough to withstand trail, I could have shown everyone how much damage had really been done, I could have had my side of the story told so everyone would know without a shadow of a doubt that I was incapable of saying yes, I could have made them all see.

Then I started thinking about what my lawyer had said about potential pitfalls of trial; how nothing was guaranteed, how even though he ended up with less then half of the max, he could have been given only probation rather than serve any jail time.

The whole thing made me sick, and frustrated, it just made me want to cry. It took me some time but I was finally able to ask myself, why does it matter so much if one or two or even one hundred people don't believe you?

The obvious answer to me was, 'because it happened.'

I began to understand that, the fact is that not everyone is going to believe me when and if they ever learn what I went through. I began to realize that some people are simply never going to believe it. And that is their choice, that's their baggage.

The fact is also that there are people who do believe me, and it was and is the right people who believe me that should matter to me most. The police, the DA, the judge, my friends, my family, my amazing boyfriend; they believed me then, and they believe me now.

As all of this swam around in my mind and I tried to hold onto the grounded feeling I typically possess, I remembered something. I remembered going to a visit a family member, and sitting outside in their backyard, ready to go into the whole thing with them. I was barely at the beginning when they said the most profound thing that had been and has been said to me;

I believe you.

Those simple words were the most powerful, the most comforting and the most reassuring that anyone said to me. It was those words ringing in my ears that brought me to the realization and the acceptance that regardless of this one individual that had been in front of me for less then two minutes, that the right people had believed me, and that in the long run, this person was and is inconsequential.

I wish that I could sit here and tell you that, if you are currently or ever will be or ever have been where I am now, that you will never have to experience this sense of doubt and confusion. I wish that I could tell you that justice is handed out more often then it is, and that the path to justice is a quick and easy one. But I can't.

What I can tell you is that I don't regret any of it. I don't regret going to the police, or to the hospital, or spending those seemingly endless days waiting to hear what would or would not happen next. I don't regret going before grand jury, and I don't regret making the plea deal. I made what I believed to be the best decision, and I don't regret agreeing to lessen the sentence from Rape I to Sexual Assault II. I don't regret acknowledging that person today, despite how much more difficult my day was because of it.

Even in my weakest moments, I stand up and I stand proud of every decision I have made in my journey to justice, because it did bring me justice. I got closure from attending his sentencing, and I am not going to stand down from doing the bare minimum that my job requires because I might not want to see a particular person.

I am a stronger person every single day that I choose to be happy and grateful for the life that I have, because I have worked damn hard for it. Today was a struggle and I didn't feel at my best, and it's upsetting to me that I didn't feel as though I was in a position to give it as much I could have. But the important thing is that I tried. Every single day that I get up and I choose happiness, joy and gratitude, every day that I choose to try, that's what truly matters.

My dears, the very thought that any one else has endured or could potentially endure this level of suffering and self-loathing breaks my heart. I wish with all of my might that I could hear your story, however much you are willing to tell, look you in your eyes, and tell you that I believe you. That I believe in you. That you are too precious, and too valuable to allow others to bring you down.

I know it can be hard to believe in yourself some times, and even if you experience moments when you don't, it's okay. It's okay to feel the hurt, it's okay to cry, it's okay to want to give up some times, because we're only human. We can only take so much before it becomes too much.

Wherever you are, whatever you're going through, please know that there is someone out there who understands what you are going through, who wants nothing but the best for you, and who holds such a great love and respect for you, because look how far you've come; just think about how much further you can go if you get up and try again tomorrow.

I realize that I may be just some strange woman on the internet whose blog you stumbled upon or perhaps someone shared it with you because they thought, whatever it is that they thought. I want you to know that I see you, not through my eyes perhaps, but through my heart and soul, and I want you to know more then anything else, that I believe you. I believe in you. You got this sweetheart.


All of my love,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Moonlight at the End of the Tunnel

Hey there loves,

How is the Full Moon in Leo treating you all? Are you feeling the affects of the eclipse? Were you able to see the comet from your part of the world?

Image from http://siriusastro.pl/

I don't know how the rest of you feel, but this year in particular the month of February feels rather...precarious. Perhaps because at least in my world, so many things have been shifting and moving around. Two major things have been settled within the first half of this month for me; the first being the move which you can read about in my Post Move Update, and the other which is still sinking in.

Before I jump in, I wanted to touch on something that I have noticed in my life, perhaps you have noticed in yours as well. Perhaps you're familiar with the saying, things happen in threes, I've even written a blog post with that exact title.

Over the last nine months I have written several times about my experience with sexual assault, my frustrations, my fears, the hope that I dared to carry as it was something I simply needed to hold onto.

The day before I was set to move, I was in my now old bedroom, finishing up the last of my packing when my phone began to ring. Looking at the caller ID, I knew it had to be one of two people, so I answered it. It was my attorney calling to get my input on what I would be satisfied with as far as a plea deal was concerned and confirming whether or not I had received my subpoena for the following week as we were set to go to trial.

Even now I am grateful that I was sitting down as this was the first I had heard since October. I had been told during that time that I could expect to hear sometime between January and February, but I certainly did not expect it to be right before my move. Rather than go over too many specifics over the phone, we set a meeting to discuss a potential plea deal and to prep for trial in the event that the deal was denied.

It was a long weekend as we waited to hear if the deal would be accepted, and while I wanted to much to be aligned with what would serve my highest good, I prayed to any and all that would listen, to grant me the grace of not going to trial. The thought of reliving the events of that night in excruciating detail would be difficult enough, but to do so in court in front of strangers and further more, causing my partner to relive the pain again made my stomach feel as though it were trying to reach the center of the Earth.

I got the call that Monday morning, the deal had been accepted. I was then asked if I wanted to attend the sentence hearing, and after giving it some thought, I decided to go. I had no desire to see my attacker again, but I knew that hearing and seeing him sentenced would provide a level of closure that I didn't think would be possible.

Sitting in the courtroom I was filled with nerves as we waited for him to be brought in, even remembering it down I can feel the nausea, the lightheaded tingling, my breath laboring as I still couldn't quite believe that I had finally made it to this moment.

Hearing him answer the judge's questions, his voice was strong and resolved, it was hard to tell what he was thinking. I knew he was still in denial about the damage that he had caused, but that didn't matter at this point.

Prior to the proceedings I was told that if I so wished, that I would be given the chance to make a statement, I couldn't begin to think of what I could possibly say that would be constructive, that would be meaningful. Truth be told, there was absolutely nothing that I wanted to say that I also felt needed to be said.

I was being granted justice, the one thing I've wanted more than anything else these last nine months. Sure, I suppose I could have said that while he has forever changed my life, that his will forever be ruined. That just because I agreed to a 'lesser charge' of Sexual Assault II versus Rape I that it doesn't change the meaning of what happened to me that night.  That regardless of what his record says or what he chooses to call himself, he is a rapist, and that will never change. Just as I will never not be a rape survivor ever again.

All of those sentiments would have fallen on deaf ears, and the truth is that I didn't want to him to have anything else from me as he had already taken so much.

It's difficult not to become emotional as I think of it all, as I look back at how much pain has been endured, not just by me, but also from the friends and family that watched and supported me as I struggled through to find the person that I was before all of this happened.

During last night's ritual, our ritual host and leader Athena, touched on the story of Isis and Osiris, how when Osiris was murdered by his brother, Isis traveled around the globe searching for the pieces of his being to put him back together, and how the act of re-membering him was the greatest act of love.

Last night we worked with deities from the Hindu tradition that I hadn't known about prior, Rati and Kamadeva; Goddess of Passion and God of Lust. She spoke of how they have a similar story, in that when Kamadeva was murdered, she traveled all around to collect his ashes so that she could re-member him.

Going into the meditative state, I knew could already feel how important being vulnerable and open to healing would be, I could also feel how the urge to resist was lying in wait, like an automatic reflex ready to pull me back.

During the meditation we were lead to a beautiful white marble temple and asked to lay on a bed/mattress in the middle of the room, with Rati and Kamadeva joining us on either side. Sensing my hesitation and my uneasiness, they created an energetic egg around us, and held me the way two parents would hold their frightened child.

I told them how much I knew I needed the healing, how I could almost see the pain slowly becoming a safety blanket and how I knew it wasn't what I wanted, but at the same time, it just happened all the same. They shared with me how the best way to dissolve such things lies in forgiveness. How forgiving the source of the pain is the best way to release it, and how they could see that I held that knowledge within me already. They asked me to please forgive my rapist, how it would be the last step in this process, and then it would simply be living a conscious life, something I was already doing.

I looked inside myself, despite knowing the answer. I saw the girl I was nine months ago, desperately holding into a ball of energy that was so many things all at once; denial, anger, unbelievable pain, sorrow, self-loathing, guilt.

I told them how I just didn't know how to forgive him right now, that I knew I should and that I wanted to want to, but that I couldn't bring myself to truly want to forgive him yet.

They each took on of my hands and showed me other men in my life who had caused me unspeakable pain:

My biological father; his abandonment, his drug and alcohol abuse, his literal denial of my identity. Yet I had forgiven him, and that through his actions I was introduced to a father who loves me unconditionally despite some difficult times.

My ex-fiance; his complete and utter mistreatment of me throughout the course of our relationship, his betrayal when he cheated on me with someone I considered to be a best friend, his swift resolve to move on and marry someone new less then two years after our engagement ended. Yet, I had forgiven him. Rather then considering our years together as wasted time, it provided me a clear picture of what I wanted from a relationship, from a partner.

Then there was my rapist. Yes, he was by far the worst in that he violated my being in every way that a person can be violated. And yet, from all of this I have gained so much, I have learned so much, and I will live a life far more fulfilling then I would have previously thought possible. I made it through the most difficult, painful, and trying event of my life, and here I was. And here I am.

We were beginning to be called back, I embraced each in turn and thanked them from the bottom of my heart for their love, their guidance and their healing. My journey to justice is complete, resolved. I sent my rapist to jail. I am in a beautiful new home with a man that I love and adore, two animals who make me laugh every day, and I am able to wake up every morning and be grateful for all of the miracles and blessings that have been gifted to me.

I realize and fully accept that forgiveness is something that I will come to in my own time and is something that I know will serve me, but I also know that some times when we resolve to forgive people who have hurt us, it can feel like we are 'giving them a pass' for what happened to us. It can feel like we are sweeping it under the rug, it can feel like we are saying that those events didn't happen, that what we endured doesn't matter.

What forgiveness really means, is that in spite of the pain and struggle, that we are more important then the person who hurt us. That our happiness, our love for ourselves, and our desire to move on is more important then staying in those spaces where it hurts. That's not to say that we are always ready to immediately move on from the hurt, because nothing heals over night. I'm not ready to fully move on from the pain and suffering that I feel. Some days I feel it more then others, and when I have those days, it's just as important to acknowledge and honor the pain for what it is.

For me personally, forgiveness means that I am not willing to live in the past. It means that I care more about my future then I do about what happened to me trying to get to where I want to go. By forgiving those who have hurt me, it means that I am choosing to become stronger rather then let those experiences weaken me.

Having these views and these beliefs doesn't always make things easier, in fact, most of the time it makes things more difficult, but it makes every experience infinitely worth more.

Whatever you might being going through, however you might be struggling, please know that you are never alone. As impossible as it may feel, you are strong enough to get through the struggles that you're facing.

The resources that I am sharing below, I have shared once before, but if this is your first time with me, I want to be sure that you see these. Use them yourself, share them with your friends and family, or perhaps you don't know who they will help, you never know who will benefit from them. I know that they have certainly helped me.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-TALK
Here is the link to the private chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx


National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 or 1-800-656-HOPE
Here is the link to the private chat: https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp


https://www.rainn.org/
RAINN is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. They are bursting with information, and one of the main resources I used, including their confidential chat which I utilized while I decided on a therapist.

https://www.notalone.gov/resources/
Not Alone was also incredibly helpful because it provided me with a list of crisis centers as well as a hot line that is confidential and 24/7

http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_national_type.php?type_id=1056
WomensLaw is a great site for information about different organizations, statics, and additional resources to get you the help that you need.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Lifeline is always a resource to be aware of regardless of what crisis you might be facing, there is someone who is willing to be there for you.

Love and Healing to you now and always dear ones,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Post Move Update

Hey there loves,

I can honestly say that I don't think I've had so much happen in a seven day span as this previous week. I doubt that in this particular update that I will touch on everything that has taken place, but I just wanted to take some time and talk to you all.

As of yesterday I have been in my new home for one week, and am pleased to say that for the most part my partner and I are settled in. The move went smoothly enough, with the small exception that we were informed of a minor flood in our apartment that had been discovered a few days prior.

We were very fortunate to be moving into a space that had been updated with new appliances, carpet, counter tops, a fresh paint job, etc. It turns out that when the new washer and dryer were being installed the valve on the hot water heater cracked and went unnoticed at first, so we spent the first few days in our new space with very large fans designed to remove all of the moisture not just from the carper but from the walls also, which thankfully was successful.

A minor downside is that we are still waiting to have some of the floor boards put back into place and a section of the wall in our laundry area rebuilt which has prevented us from putting together our bookshelves, and as that it is the remainder of what needs to be unpacked, it's hard not to feel accomplished for such a short amount of time.

One side affect of not having our bookshelves together is that I have not set up any sort of alter or sacred space as of yet, what's more is I haven't even smudged! Typically as a rule of thumb, I smudge my new living space any time I move somewhere new, but as all of my sacred tools are carefully packed away, that includes my sage as well.

Rather than overthink it however, I asked my guides, my ancestors, and of course Spirit to bless my new home. I also called to Brigid and welcomed her into my space, I invited her to make my new home her home and asked that she also bestow her blessing not just onto the space and to myself, but for my partner and for harmony between our two animals. Mostly for my cat as she is nearing 11 years old and has never had to share all of her space with another animal. While she has lived with other pets before, she's always had a room or space that was specifically hers. That being said, they're doing surprisingly well, for which both my partner and I are grateful for.

I am also exceedingly grateful to simply have my own space again. For the past two years I have been sharing a three bedroom apartment with up to five roommates. Not that I dislike anyone I've lived with, but the simple fact that my life style was so drastically different from everyone else's made things difficult to say that least. Not to say that I never frustrated my roommates, I can easily imagine it being a two-way street.
Regardless, I left on good terms with everyone and hope to stay in touch with the one's I have known the longest.

Another thing that I am looking forward to getting back to now that I have the free space to do so, is to get back to spell crafting. I may not have talked about it too much in the past, but when I was living on my own I felt much more inclined to ritual, to spell work, meditation and overall just being more active in my practice. I think in part due to the fact that I am not constantly attempting to shield myself and my space from outside energies as, well, it takes a lot of energy!

Plus with this full moon in Leo, I am feeling the itch and the desire to dive deeper into creative side, something that has felt rather lacking, almost dormant for the past several weeks if not months. I am still carrying with me part of the message that I received during the last full moon, which was to continue to rest. Some work needs to be done, which is to be expected, but now as the snow seems to be staying away (knock on wood!) and the temperature is steadily climbing, I am beginning to feel my inner energies stir and stretch up and outwards. I am also feeling a very strong desire to be organized and practical in very aspect of my life rather then being so, "well, we'll see when I get there."

I anticipate that once I get everything unpacked and really settled in, that I will pick up my studies again regarding chakras and diving deeper into my study of the tarot, which I have not forgotten about the monthly tarot card, I hope to have that up tomorrow.

For now I think this is a good stopping point as the other big event from the past week requires its own posting. If you're interested in honoring the full moon tomorrow night but are not sure how or don't have a lot of time, I would encourage you to join myself and many others with Sage Goddess for the February Full Moon Ritual. 

I absolutely love these rituals and always come away feeling refreshed and connected to Spirit. If you haven't done so yet, I was so inspired by last months ritual that I wrote about it; Full Moon, Late Night.

I have said so before and I will say again that I am in no way affiliated with Sage Goddess, and I receive nothing for promoting them, I truly do just love the community and the rituals. If you're curious and want to see what rituals have been done in the past, I'll include a link to their YouTube Channel where you can go through the archives of previous years rituals. Sage Goddess Playlists

Well, I suppose it's time I get ready for work as I certainly enjoyed my three day weekend after what has certainly been a transformative week to say the least. It really does feel so good to be home.

 Brightest Blessings to you all,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf