A Truly Open Heart

Hey there lovies,

I've been incredibly fortunate to be a part of some truly amazing experiences these last few weeks. Quite frankly I never expected to have the privilege of being a participant in helping and connecting with and I would be so bold as to say, inspiring as many individuals as I have these last couple of months.

The opportunities that have been given to me since I have made this move have been numerous, but one that I never thought I would have is the opportunity to have full closure and to say goodbye to the first real love of my life.

This person has been everything to me; friend, confidant, lover, counselor, supporter and every nook and cranny that falls in between. They've also been responsible for causing a great deal of pain, disappointment, anger, frustration and confusion.

But to be honest, I can't imagine a first love being any different. I can't fathom that anyone else would hold such sway, who could so gently hold another's heart and be so careless with it in one stroke.

I've written before about my thoughts on love, and it's not terribly surprising that only a few short months later, finding myself with a different perspective on it. When I look back at myself the last time I wrote about love, I was trying to reconcile with the idea, I was trying to make myself believe that...love just is.

I don't think you choose when you love someone, I think to some extent it just happens on its own. Love is the greatest force I have ever encountered; it contains every positive and negative elements that is conceivable.

Because while it possesses all of the infinite wonder and possibility that we all look for and desire, but doing so, it leaves us open to all of the damage that can be caused because of it. It leaves us vulnerable to all of the disasters, but it also requires us to be open to the miracles that can take place.

This path that I am on, not only for myself but for the purpose I believe with all my heart that I am here to accomplish, has asked me to question everything about the way I used to do things, the perspectives I've held, the people I surround myself with.

I have been asked to be open, to be flexible, to be patient and understanding, to be brave and courageous, to trust. There have been times when my ego has held up its hands and said, "Whoa! Slow you're roll there, I'm only human. Mere mortal right here, let's not get carried away here."

All of those things are essential to any kind of growth, all of those things are necessary for success.

When I started this journey, which there have been several 'starting over points' I never expected to be asked to change myself as much as I find myself changing. It's a bit overwhelming some times.

I don't think you choose when you love someone, but I think you can choose when to stop loving someone. I fell in love with this person despite every effort not to, because I knew in my soul, in my heart of hearts that this was not it for me. Not this time.

I have loved this individual with my whole heart, soul, being and there is a part of me that sincerely wishes that things could be different. As difficult as it is though, I have to remind myself that I don't truly believe that I'm it for them either.

The two of us have spent so much time together, have shared so much and have grown so much together, as a couple, as friends. There's been a part of my heart that has held steadfast to them because I remember all too well what that was like, and how it made me feel.

But I'm slowly coming to the realization that, the best thing we can do for each other and for ourselves is to let that love go. It was beautiful, and special, and brought me a life that I never thought I was capable of having. I've been slow to accept that there is someone else who will love and cherish me, and fulfill me in every way, and I for them-in this direction that I am heading, this path and purpose for this life.

And I believe wholeheartedly that there is someone out there for them too, who can connect and care for them in ways that I simply cannot.

I will always treasure them, and I sincerely hope that they will always be a good friend of mine. But now is the time to say goodbye, and to release that love and set the intention for them that when the time is right, they find their soulmate.

I can feel my own approaching, which strangely, doesn't make this easier. But knowing that there is genuine happiness outside of this person does. Knowing that there is genuine happiness out there for them makes it easier to let go, to say goodbye to them so that I can say hello to myself and my future.

Love is quite the mystery...

©2013-2015 Thealynn

Under Construction

Hey there lovies,

As you may have seen on my FB page or G+ there are going to be some very exciting changes happening Through the Secret Door, and I cannot wait to announce them to you- but in order for those things to come about this place is going to look like a train wreck for the next couple of days.

I want to thank you in advance for your patience and understanding while this place gets a long anticipated make over!

I hope you all are enjoying the Solstice, I know I certainly am!

Much love and blessings to you all!

©2013-2015 Thealynn

Summer Solstice

Hey lovies,

I want to first apologize for missing the last two holidays; Ostara and Beltane-those holidays passed during my hiatus and unfortunately got missed when it came to being observed not only in my personal practice but here as well.

But I am happy to be back, and even happier to be preparing for the next turn of the Wheel-the Summer Solstice, also known as Litha.

This holiday might be one of the most well known outside of the pagan community due to the thousands of visitors to Stone Henge which is located in Wiltshire, England. The most noted visitors of the ancient monument are practitioners of the Druid persuasion, but it's estimated that the historic sight receives of 800,000 visitors per year!

Despite Stone Henge being in my top three places to visit before I do, we'll refocus on the topic at hand. By whatever name you recognize this holiday, June 21 makes the longest day of the year and the beginning of the summer season.

If you recall back in December when I was writing about Yule, the archetype of the Holly King and the Oak King as two halves of one whole: The Sun God. This perspective of the Sun God is Wiccan in nature and can be learned about here.

I really love this time of year because we're half way through the year, and with that in mind, I see it as a time of reflection. I think back to January when I was full of fire, and setting intentions and ready to take on this year.

With Midsummer just a couple of days away, I'm going to focusing on the next six months and all that I want to accomplish and manifest in that time. With the power of the Sun I feel my energy being replenished and I feel creative and motivated to celebrate all of the light or positive aspects of myself.

I've spent so much of the this year working on my shadow self, and bringing those aspects into the light so that I might work with them better, and release what's been holding me back.

From Litha, June 21 through August 1 which is Lammas orLughnasad which is the first harvest festival; I will be keeping my eyes on nurturing my goals and soaking up the strength and support of the Sun.

As far as old traditions go, one of my favorites is jumping over a fire-NOT SOMETHING I RECOMMEND YOU DO.

It was customary during this time to light large bonfires in dedication to the sun as during midsummer it was considered to be at its peak. On a small scale, fires were built where couples or individuals would jump over the flames stating what they wished to achieve or receive from the Universe. It was also believed that the hiring one jumped, the faster their wish would manifest.

Protection magic is something we also see a lot of during this time of the year, Litha is the last of the summer festivals which means that not far from now, the summer will be over and the days will grow shorter giving way to longer nights and colder weather. In preparation for the coming cold, protection amulets were a common craft and gift at Litha celebrations.

All manner of deity can be recognized during this time; sun and fertility deities both male and female. Crenunnos, Pan, Apollo, Ra are just a few gods associated with the Sun. Aphrodite, Freya, Cerridwen and Ishtar to name a few goddesses.
 
 As with the other holidays for the Wheel of the Year, I have a go to book that I use for inspiration, research, crafts, recipes, and even ritual ideas. The title of this book is Magical Celebrations Midsummer of the Summer Solstice by Anna Franklin.

This book has so much amazing information for even your every day practice, including lore, candle and fire magic, how to use a regular deck of playing cards as tarot cards, crystals and their meanings, making your own incense and oils-hands down one of my favorite metaphysical books. 

If you're curious to see what a couple of the recipes in this book look like, I found this site with the recipe and pictures. I think the Gooseberry Fool looks particularly scrumptious. 

I also found this amazing site for additional Litha treats! I don't know about you, but I might have to enjoy some Asparagus Stuffed Chicken, it just sounds so good! Summer Solstice Treats!
  

I am so looking forward to celebrating this turn of the wheel and as a special treat for all of you, I will be doing a three card oracle card reading of what the next three months will look like. 

Midsummer is a time for divination, and what better way to celebrate with all of you than to give you a special reading to say thank you. 

May you have a fun, magical and safe Midsummer.

Brightest Blessings to you and yours,

Thealynn  

©2013-2015 Thealynn

 

Looking in an Honest Mirror

Hey there lovies,

It's been a little while since I've talked about some of the more personal, nonspiritual aspects of my life so I thought that I would give a little bit of an update. I get the feeling that there are a lot of people out there who are under the impression that because someone might take a spiritual approach to life that we do not face the same struggles as someone who takes a more 'traditional religious' road or even a path free of any form of faith. Or that because of our perspective that we are able to maintain that perspective at all times and that we don't ever face times of doubt.

Both of which are untrue.

While all of the work that was done during my Open Heart series and all of the progress was made, which was surprisingly successful, there is still a lot of work to be done. I have mentioned in previous posts touching briefly on certain aspects of my shadowself that are particularly difficult to deal with when they make themselves known.

I was having a recent conversation with a close friend of mine about the struggles I've been facing recently, and they asked me if I had been maintaining my practice, and I admitted that I had been shying away from it a bit because of how I worry about infusing my practice with negativity.

Which I realize might sound silly, because one of the main reasons people turn to their faith of choice when they are struggling. In fact when I began walking this path again almost three years ago it was because I was facing a major crisis and desperately felt like I needed something to hold on to, something to serve as an anchor.

Now being as immersed as I am and as dedicated as I want to be, it fills me with no end of guilt that I am afraid of what I might be confronted with by working too closely with my guides; which stems from being worried about not being able to handle what is happening in other aspects of my life.

I've slowly been working on releasing the reins of control and being content with doing my best. I've been told that this is not uncommon but I have a tendency to hold myself to higher standards than I hold everyone else which often leads to me stressing and psyching myself out over 'not doing enough' or 'not doing well enough' when in reality I am doing just fine.

I also have a nasty habit of reliving conversations or events that hold a lot of negative feelings, perpetuating negative cycles. I also have the tendency to compartmentalize issues to the point where I literally forget about them, at least until they become a raging monster and infinitely more difficult to deal with.

There have been times in the past where things in my life have gotten so out of hand where it really feels like there is no way out-which is not true, no matter how difficult things seem.

It's occurred to me for some time that if I am really going to get a handle of things, on my life and live it the way I know it can be lived there are changes that must be made; figuring out how to make those choices in a way that they stick and are effective is a matter unto itself.

Earlier in the year I pulled a tarot card that would represent the theme of 2015 and it was a simple, yet loaded word: Choice.

Every day, every moment is a choice; even the seemingly most insignificant moments of our lives present us with a choice. Sometimes making those choices are more difficult than others, not acting, or responding are choices.

It's difficult to remember that some times, and some times we just don't feel like hearing it; we become desensitized to the sentiment.

While it's been something I know I have needed for quiet some time, I have done some research and reached out to a counselor for some professional assistance in getting my life on a healthier track and a better idea of what is causing my struggles so that I can deal with them on every aspect, not just a spiritual one.

I know that not everyone agrees one way or the other about any form of assistance or treatment, depending on where you're coming from. But just like I have said about working with guides, or with crystals and stones; you are the priority. Do what needs to be done for you.

This is something I feel confident about doing. I've always had an idea of what the root of my problems might have been, but I've never been entirely sure how to full identify or even fully heal. This is something I owe myself if I want to move forward and continue moving forward.

Am I scared?

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous about taking this step. I have no illusions about how difficult the work might be, but I do have hopes for what the results will look like. 

Light and love to you all dears,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn

A Look Back

Hey there lovies,

I've wondered from time to time what attracts people to each other. What is it about their look, their personality that makes them interesting?

I made a friend recently, and from the moment I laid eyes on him I was instantly curious. There was something about the way he kept to himself, the way he played his guitar and his soft spoken demeanor that caught my attention.

I am a firm believer in past lives and this was someone who I just knew that I had met before. To the extent of how much we knew each other was not particularly clear, but there was an instant sense of familiarity.

As I've been getting to know him, this time around, I have found myself attracted to the darkness in him.

I realize that sounds extreme, and I'll explain, don't worry.

This new friend of mine has walked the fine line between life and death several times, mostly by his own accord and is now fighting to stay away from the temptation that takes him to the place he's fought so hard to leave behind.

In the short time I have known him, he has suffered several losses and has managed to maintain his position. He's been kind and brave enough to share with me just a glimpse here and there of what he has faced and endured and I am not only touched but inspired by his strength despite it all.

I think there is something about those whom we are attracted to that speaks to our soul in a way that we might not be able to recognize at first.

I could sense a darkness in this person before I knew his name, let alone the battle he has been waging and now that I know, I seek solace in his struggles as a release and relief from my own.

I know doing so is selfish to some extent, but there is something along the lines of camaraderie when you find someone who shares something so personal and so deep with you that you feel almost ashamed sharing it with others who don't understand, but you know that they do because they are right there with you.

There is something I find soothing about putting my issues on the back burner even temporarily and allowing myself to be distracted by someone else's needs, especially knowing that they don't expect me to do this for them. 

It's like being able to look into a mirror and seeing the part of myself that is free from these issues, or if they are there, they are small enough to feel confident in handling them. 

I recently did a meditation in which I met with my lady Shakti and we discussed the balance between light and dark. As much as I know that I am capable of greatness and success, I am just as capable of destruction and disappearing into my faults.

You could argue that such a thing is true for anyone, and that is absolutely true, but how many of us are so painfully aware of the trials it takes? How many of us fight one way or the other, to follow one path or the next?

So often I see people surrender to circumstance, good or bad and do not genuinely consider the consequences of either option. I myself have done the very same thing, with varying results. However, I find myself at a crossroads, and the path I choose will ultimately lead me to the resounding theme of my future.

****

I wrote the beginning of this piece in March, and looking back on it now, I was almost tempted to scrap it and let it disappear. But as I read it again, and considered where I was compared to where I am now; a good hour away, a healthier environment, and stronger support, I realize that while the person I described was not a bad person, they definitely were not a good one to have around.

Their struggles were far more than I was reasonably able to handle after a few weeks, and by the time I left the area, I was more than ready to say goodbye.

While I can only wish them the best and hope that they have found relief from their trials, I also see and value the small experience they gave me. It was a window to what my life could turn into, it was a glance at the potential for the road I was on, a sneak peak at what I was headed for if I didn't do something to change it.

We are all light and shadow, we all have our pros and cons, our faults and our saving graces. The truth of the matter is that this individual was a part of the catalyst that helped me make my decision.

Whether it was karma, or a contract they created before entering this existence that is to be credited for their experience this time around is really not for me to say or to speculate.

But the service they gave me in the short weeks that we spent together sincerely changed my life, and I am grateful to them for it.

Some experiences we have are painful, there's really no way around that. The least we can do for ourselves is to determine what we can take away from those experiences and hope to high heaven that we can do something productive with them.

That's always my highest hope: that no experience goes unnoticed, that I am never ungrateful for the lessons that those experiences provide me. And that if I'm really lucky, I can use those experiences, even the painful ones, to help someone down the line.

Sending you light and love dear ones,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn

Thealynn-The Return

Hey there lovies,

Wow...it's been a while since I've said that.

I have to say that when I restarted this project of mine, I never anticipated that I would take an unexpected absence for a second time. Granted, this second time around was a few months versus over a year, but all the same.

I know it might sound strange but it broke my heart when I realized the full extent of the situation that I was in and how much it not only affect me and how it was affecting those around me.

I once wrote about how I deal with depression, anxiety, low self esteem, and a myriad of other things including but not limited to trust issues, sever compartmentalization, and denial. Shortly after I opened my eyes to everything, I knew I had one choice and that was to seek professional help. In doing so I learned that all of those delightful items listed above can fall into one simple phrase:

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I knew that I wanted to come back to this project and when I did I would need to address my absence, and in some ways it scared me. Dealing with, living with, and constantly facing this challenge day in and day out is not a simple task. I didn't share my struggles with my family for months after I was diagnosed and few friends knew.

I felt ashamed, like somehow I should have been stronger than I have been, that I should have been able to handle everything better than I had-but I wasn't stronger, I wasn't handling things better.

I've said once before that I tend to forget how human I am. Which I stand by, but one thing I rarely take into account is that I have, admittedly, incredibly high standards for myself; perhaps even unreachable at times.

PTSD is something that has caused some of the most difficult times of my life. It's also pushed me to return to a town I never thought I would come back to. To be surrounded people that were previously out of my physical reach and therefore felt a million miles away.

Because of this condition I have been forced to completely reevaluate my life, my path, my relationships, and myself as a whole. So many hard lessons have come my way since I began this journey back in December of last year when I picked up this project for the second time. This blog has been on my mind consistently over the last few weeks, but up until now I just didn't feel ready to come back.

I remembered the passion and conviction I wrote with, and how good it made me feel. It made me feel like I was doing something productive, helpful, and meaningful. This blog meant so much to me, and I knew that when I came back to it, I wanted to be in a place where I could really continue making it as beautiful as I had envisioned it.

There are so many things that have happened since February, and I am sure that at some point I will write about them all. But for now, I just wanted to remember the feeling of writing again, of quietly knowing that even if it was just one or two people, that I reached someone.

The ultimate dream for this blog is to eventually reach thousands; give knowledge, perspective, hope, courage and perhaps a laugh or two in there. 

I will say at this point I do not have a schedule planned for posts, for now they will probably be sporadic as the move I mentioned is fairly recent and I am in the midst of getting settled and my feet on the ground. I want to continue with my monthly tarot cards and weekly oracle cards, and because today is the first of the month, I will be updating that page shortly in addition to the weekly oracle card.

I've missed spending time Through the Secret Door, and I've missed all of you. I am happy to be back and I cannot wait to spend time with you again.

In light and love,

Thealynn

©2013-2015 Thealynn