Removing Skeletons from the Closet

Hey there loves,

As I have mentioned in the last couple of postings, I am preparing to move, and a part of that is going through and deciding what is coming with me into this next chapter of my life. One of the projects I've had for myself over several months now, was to go through a storage tote which contained binders, and notebooks, and journals, and letters from as far back as 2003.....

One could easily deduce that the tote was freaking heavy and I simply did not wish to move it one more time. Which is true, but it isn't the whole truth. 

I knew that some of the energy in those entries was going to be heavy, and that if I allowed myself to read too far into any given journal, that I would essentially be transported back to that time and feel precisely what I had written about. While I am sure that for some that would be a valuable experience, for me, I just knew that some pages were better off not being disturbed. 

When I started the project last night, I decided to burn some essential oil, and as luck would have it, I pulled out my Kali oil, and as I lit the candle I asked that she be present with me as I decided what to keep and what to let go after so many years of being carted around.

As the first oil died I wasn't half way through, so I went to put more into the defuser, I ended up pulling out the Sacral Chakra essential oil instead. I felt as though it was no coincidence so I went with it. 

There were journals from my earlier years which contained so much despair and hopelessness, pages upon pages of repeating the same goal of the utmost desire to let go of the feelings I carried for the boy I lost my virginity to at 16. 

As I made my way through the last of the binders in which so many things were preserved in plastic protective sheets, one page caught my eye as I recognized the penmanship immediately. It was a poem that my ex-fiance had written for me so many life times ago. Here I thought that I had disposed of any and everything from him, yet here was this single sheet from a legal pad that had managed to go unnoticed until now. Needless to say it went into the recycle pile without hesitation. 

After all of the struggles and trials that I have endured over the last four years, last year in particular, I want as much of a clean slate as possible. There are a couple of things that I will be keeping of course, but I already feel so much more prepared for this move by taking the time to release so much that I didn't even fully realize I was carrying.

I would be lying if I said that so much of what I kept was mostly on a sentimental level, I thought that somewhere down the line I would want those mementos and to remind me of where I had been and how far I have come; but the truth is that all I have to do is look into the mirror to remember. All I have to do is close my eyes and allow the pictures to come together to be back in those places.

But when it comes down to it, most of those memories are better left alone. It's unnecessary for me to travel so far back to times of feeling wrong, incomplete, unwanted and so unsure of myself. Those years and experiences helped to mold me and will always be a part of who I am. But they do not need a physical representation in my current world.

They are tiny pieces of lives in worlds that no longer exist, and while I continue to hold onto them, the less space I have within myself for the future possibilities, the future world I have worked so hard to get to, a place that I believed in so desperately that if I could manage to get there, that everything I had endured would be worth it.

I realize that not everyone equates energy and energetic imprints with their belongings, but I do, at an extent. I knew months ago how important it was to do this project, but it isn't until roughly a week before starting a new chapter in my life is when it is accomplish. I don't see that as a coincidence, like so many other things I see this as the Universe exercising Divine Timing. 

As my night drew to a close I began thinking about how close I am to this move, and how much/little needs to be done.

I started thinking about the new space I'll be in, and how this is the first time that I am choosing to move in with a partner because it's simply the next 'natural' step in our relationship, versus it being a matter of happenstance, and how ready I am for this step.

I started thinking about how much love and adoration I have for this individual and how, despite how different the financials might differ from my current situation, that I haven't worried or obsessed over how we are going to make it work, because I simply know that we will.  

Never before in my life have I felt such trust in the Universe, never before have I felt such trust in my partner, but most importantly, never before have I felt so much trust, in myself.

In the past when I had shared bits and pieces of some of the major life events that I've experienced, I would shrug my shoulders or shaken my head when people told me how strong I was for moving past such a 'thing.'

I never felt like I was completely through the experience, or that the 'surviving' that I was passing off for living was really worth any admiration, because, well, what the hell else was I going to do?

It's only now that I am able and ready to recognize and honor the warrior I have been, and continue to be. To thank others when they acknowledge my triumphs, because yes, it has been hell getting here. To thank them again when they congratulate me on my accomplishments, because I am no longer to acknowledge how much work has gone into not just my person, but into my journey.

I don't know if I will have time to write again before my move, but I will prepare a tarot card reading for February and have that up and ready before the first.

 Brightest Blessings to you all,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Full Moon, Late Night

Good evening loves,

Happy Full Moon in Cancer!

Oh man, it's been a little over two years since I felt so moved after a full moon ritual, that I wanted to write about it. In fact, I believe that it was my first full moon ritual with Sage Goddess that I felt my spirit awaken, and was filled with the desire to create. And for a while there, I was writing almost every day, there was so much that was on my mind, that I wanted to share, that so desperately needed to be released that for a time it was just pouring out all over the place.

You may very well be feeling similarly with the Moon in her home planet tonight. If you're feeling like a mess or feeling overwhelmed, rest assured that after tomorrow the Moon begins her journey to Leo, which should prove to be rather interesting next month given that (at least in the society where I reside) Valentine's Day is a HUGE focus point for February, regardless of whether it is viewed in a positive or negative light. (But who doesn't like moon light, right?)

If you are currently in the one state that does not currently have snow, I will admit, I am slightly envious. As I have mentioned previously, and as I say in my bio, I live in the Pacific Northwest of the United States; we don't really get snow here, and in fact, as of yesterday, we are in a State of Emergency. It's a big deal for us. 

This week I was given the unexpected gift of a three day weekend, which has been extended to four due to the weather, and in this time I have been able to be still, to be quiet, to go inward and connect with my spirit and my guides in a way which I have not experienced in longer then I wish were true. 

It's given me such a wonderful opportunity to come back here and to start anew with the new year, to remind myself how much I love doing this; writing and sharing and connecting with any and all of those who take the time to read what I have to say. 

With all this unexpected free time, I knew I wanted to dedicate as much time as possible doing the things that I feel like I 'don't have time for' such as ritual. It was really important to me to be present and participate in this month's ritual for a couple of reasons. The main reason being that I missed the feeling of ritual, I missed the guided meditations, I missed connecting with the Universe in such a profound way, as I am able to do during these rituals if I give myself the chance. 

Another reason it was so important to me to participate in the ritual tonight was because I felt a very subtle but sincere pull. Which really got my attention because earlier today I sat before my alter and prayed for the first time, maybe ever. In my prayers I petitioned my goddess and a god from a pantheon a world away to help me maintain this emotional stability I seem to have stumbled upon. I can't say exactly what triggered these feels of security, but I have just been overwhelmed with gratitude, and for what feels like the first time, I have been able to suppress the feelings of anxiety, nervousness, worry, fear. 

Ah, fear. My old nemesis. As I sat down to write about tonight's experience, I was reminded how I felt so compelled to write after my first full moon ritual, and I decided to glance over it to see what these two experiences might share. 

It was during that first ritual that I discovered how fear had wound its way into damn near if not every aspect of my life, and how determined I was to eliminate fear from my life, and how I believed that 2015 would be the best year of my life. Well, that just wasn't the case. 2015 turned out to be one of the most difficult years of my life, but looking back now I can see how much was purged; that it took being on the edge of emotional and mental crippling for me to pull myself back and to blossom into the person that I would always reach out for but could never quite touch. 

Just like my first ritual with Sage Goddess, if I had to describe my experience tonight using only one word, that word would be: intense. 

I've been sharing on my Facebook page and Instagram, and even in my previous posting how things have been almost eerily falling into place, and how there have been multiple signs and synchronicities over the last several days - since the snow came! -  and how it's almost been freaking me out. Almost. 

Rather than be skeptical or push these gifts away (out of fear, i.e. it's too good to be true), I have found myself smiling and laughing in delight, and expressing sincere gratitude almost without thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, there have been moments where I have felt the fear and the worry creeping up on me, and there have even been a few moments here and there where that negative energy has filled my whole body. But what is miraculous to me is that I have been able to dis-spell those feelings.

When I felt myself struggling to do so is when I went before my alter and called to the Universe to help support me. I voiced my concerns, I asked for guidance, for reassurance, for strength to keep on the track I have worked so hard to be on. 

December of 2014 I made a commitment to myself to expel fear from my life. Tonight during ritual we traveled to meet with Zues and Athena, and during that experience I was gifted with the quiet revelation that I have nothing left to fear. That the fear I experience is an illusion, a cheap trick of my ego to keep me in a place of suffering. 

I was given a gift from both Athena and Zues, and even now hours after closing the circle, I can still feel their presence, their love and the soft look of pride in their eyes. I don't know that I have ever felt pride from any deity that I have ever worked with. 

This ritual has provided me with so much clarity, so much hope, so much peace. Even our ritual leader, also named Athena, spoke of things that resonated with me so deeply. There was one thing in particular that she touched on that I felt really hit the nail on the head. 

She spoke of this energy that has been in the field that is prompting us (I say that as a general collective) to get moving and get working, like the energy of Spring has come early. Which may very well explain my burst of energy to work on this blog so diligently, in addition to a couple of other projects that I mentioned previously in the vaguest way possible (of course.)

She reminded us that we are still in the period of rest, and how important it is to continue to allow ourselves this time so that when Spring does come around, that we have our reserves still in place. Now, Spring doesn't officially come around until late March (for us here in the Northern Hemisphere anyway), but we don't necessarily have to wait that long. February 1st also know as Imbolc/Imbolg is when the Earth begins to thaw and we begin to see the first signs of new life, such as animals giving birth, flowers starting to bloom, hopefully warmer temperatures....

I am so grateful that Athena touched on this, because holy cow have I been feeling that go, go, go energy. For the most part I have been able to rein it in and keep it in check, if you don't count the five postings in the last three, maybe four days...

Retaining my energy may prove to be a bit of a challenge simply do to the fact that I will be moving in three weeks, which is really soon. I am not moving far and I don't have much to move, but moving tends to be stressful and in addition to having lots of books, I have heavy furniture. 

That being said, I will be in my new home right around Imbolc, which is one more beautiful synchronicity that the Universe is blessing me with, so, definitely no complaints here. Tomorrow is the last day of my 'snow-cation' and I have to say that I am looking forward to getting back to my regular routine. 

Since our lovely Moon is going to be spending another day in her home of Cancer, I would sincerely encourage you to take an hour, and check out January's Full Moon Ritual, even if you just watch. I think you'll come away feeling glad that you did. 

One final note; full moons are a fantastic time to release and with this being the first full moon of 2017, really consider what needs to be left in 2016. Allow yourself to come into 2017 with less on your plate, less on your shoulders, and less weighing on your heart. It's okay to let those things go. Some times that's what needs to happen in order for all of the new and wonderful things to appear in your life. 

I'm not saying that it's not difficult, or painful, or scary to do so. I am saying that you're strong enough, and that you deserve the peace that will come from moving on from what no longer serves you. You've made it this far, and just think of how much further you can go when you allow yourself the freedom to do so.

 Brightest Blessings to you all,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Thealynn's 2017 Reading List

Hey there everyone,

I'm doing things a bit differently today as I am literally pulling from a Note that I wrote for my Facebook page, and I thought, why not share it on my blog too, since my FB page is for my blog. I don't forsee myself coping and pasting too much from one place to the other very often, but I think in this case, it just makes sense.

A couple of years ago, I set a goal for myself to read at least 20 books, I ended up reading almost 40, which was great! But I also had a lot of mental and emotional struggles happening that year which allowed me almost too much time to read, as I used reading as a means of escape to an extreme degree.

This year, I want to create another reading list, with the goal of 15 books as I currently maintain a full time job and have a much healthier, balanced life. 

In addition to books I am reading, there will also be a list of books that I am currently working through. Ideally I will be able to finish said workbooks, but I’m not really interested in putting a time limit on those, despite a couple of them being laid out to work through them between 10-13 months. 

I am happy to receive suggestions, and hope to be able to provide reviews for books of a spiritual nature, as most of the list is currently comprised of that particular theme. 

Without further ado, here is my current book list for 2017!

1.) Tending Brigid’s Flame by Lunaea Weatherstone

2.) Earth Path by Starhawk

3.) To Walk A Pagan Path : Practical Spirituality for Every Day by Alaric Albertsson

4.) The Sea Priestess by Dion Fortune

5.) Awakening Shakti by Sally Kempton

6.) Women Who Run With the Wolves : Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype by Clarissa Pinkola Esres Ph.D.

7.) The Chakra Bible by Patricia Mercier

8.) Wheels of Life by Anodea Judith

9.) Earth God Rising : The Return of the Male Mysteries

10.) How to Uncover Your Past Lives by Ted Andrews

11.) The Path of the Priestess: A Guidebook for Awakening the Divine Feminine by Sharron Rose

12.) Spirits of the Sacred Grove: The World of a Druid Priestess by Emma Restall Orr

13.) Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman

14.) Towers of Midnight by Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson

15.) A Memory of Light by Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson

As for books that I hope to work through this year,

1.) Following Your Path : Using Myths, Symbols, and Images to Explore Your Inner Life by Alexandra Collins Dickerman

2.) In the Shadow of 13 Moons : Embracing Lunar Energy for Self-Healing & Transformation by Kimberly Sherman-Cook

3.) The Chakra Experience by Patrica Mercier

4.) Chakra Wisdom Oracle Toolkit : A 52-Week Journey of Self-Discovery within the Lost Fables by Tori Hartman

As I finish books, I will try to come and mark them off the list, so to speak. And of course if anyone wants to read along or if anyone is interested in doing a sort of reading group, please feel free to reach out to me, I would love to do something as a group.

If you're interested in following me on Facebook here is the link; Through the Secret Door by Thealynn

 
Brightest Blessing and Happy Reading!

Destruction Before Creation/A Star is Born

Hello loves,

On this particular evening I am sitting in the comfort of my home, hunkered down as a winter storm begins with the knowledge that I will be more or less 'stuck' for the next couple of days. Winter storms are not necessarily unusual for this time of year, however, the fact that this will be the third time within the last three weeks that we will have snow fall, is quite unusual for this area.

I intend to take the time away from work and traditional responsibilities to enjoy the quiet, and to simply with with myself as much as I can. As I mentioned in my previous post, I tend to shut down and go inward during this time, and this provides the perfect atmosphere to do so. In addition, it has provided me with some time to consider how I wanted to approach this topic, my tarot card for 2017.

(I feel like I should warn you, this is going to be a long one.)

Last year my card was The Tower, which inspired the title for this posting, as that was the phrase or mantra that I adopted for the year. As working with a tarot card for an entire year is a relatively new practice for me, the first year I did so, I wasn't entirely sure how to go about 'working with' said card. More often then not, I couldn't find what I considered to be legitimate connections between the message of the card and my every day life, last year was much different.

At the beginning of the year, I broke off an unhealthy relationship, which was a first for me. It took a meditation with a goddess to give me the push I needed. But once that fire was lit within me, I began to see more clearly the areas of my life where I had put other's first, where I really should have been more considerate of myself.

I realized how even though ending the relationship would be uncomfortable and even painful to a certain degree, I understood deep into my bones how continuing would only cause more damage, not just to myself but to my partner at the time.

That bridge had to be destroyed in order to make room for my current relationship; healthy, proactive, compassionate, genuine and challenging to be the best partner I can be.

I switched gears and entered into a profession that I believed I would be successful in, only to find out that I did not have an affinity for it at all. To top it off, I had been recently hired when I was attacked and due to the nature of the job, I was forced to quit, without the option to return to the position I had been in prior to leaving.

It took a couple of months, but because I decided to take a chance of myself, I was able to enter into a brand new field (to me at least) and I ended up with better hours, and a higher pay rate that my previous two employers.

In the beginning of my healing process, I followed my instinct to receive professional help that also integrated my spiritual path. Finding the right person to work with took some time, but the work that I knew we would be able to accomplish together was worth the wait.

In the time it took to get in touch with my mentor, teacher, and healer, I also learned how much inner strength I truly possess. As much support that I had, there was so much that I had to do on my own, work that only I could do for myself, and in doing so, I readied myself for the work I would do later on.

There were times last year where I forgot who I was, where I felt utterly destroyed and broken: because I was. The person I had known before was gone; I remembered being her, I remembered her easy laugh and her seemingly endless compassion and understanding, I remembered how much she wanted to be a rock for the people around her. But I had lost her, she was like the shadow of a dream that could be so scarcely felt, and the feeling of that previous me, was shattered, was hollow, was just, not there anymore.

Even now it's difficult to look back and remember those months where Purgatory had come to Earth and I seemed to be its sole occupant. Flip the coin over however, and it's encouraging to know how much progress I have made in taking back my life, to know how much will power, resolve, determination, and drive I possess, all of which no one can give or take away, that are truly part of who I am as a person, regardless of what happens in my life.

In addition to the Tower being my tarot card for 2016, numerologically, it was also a 9 year. A year for tying up loose ends, a year for endings, for completion, a year to let go of so much...

I wrote numerous times last year about how long it the year seemed, how weeks and months felt like years in and of themselves, September especially was quite a challenging month. By the time the holidays came, it didn't feel quite real, like some how I had actually made it to the end of 2016, and I couldn't have been more grateful to put that year behind me.

If you're curious how to find this information and/or if you are new to numerology (I am certainly no expert) - you take the year, 2017 and you add each number individually. In this case, the sequence would look like this:

2+0+1+7= 10
1+0= 1

To find your tarot card for the year, you would take your birth month and day, and the current year. So for example, this is how I have found mine:

1+2+3+1+2+0+1+7= 17

I would then locate the seventh card in the Major Arcana, and this year my card is, The Star.

As I was reading about The Star, in one of the companion's for one of my decks, the refer to the numerological counter part of the Star, which happened to be Strength. I also decided to look at last years card and the numerological counter part of the Tower which was The Hanged Man.

I decided to revisit last year's card and its counter part. Maybe it's the fact that last year is behind me, or maybe it's because I'm in a place where I am ready to see from a fresh perspective, regardless of why, each card so clearly describes the trials and miracles of 2016.

With The Tower depicting the utter destruction and loss that I experience, to the feelings of dread, helplessness, and inability to move forward that are depicted in the Hanged Man. Rather than focusing on the darkness that I found myself in, with the help of my loved ones, my guides spirit and otherwise, I was able to find and fight for the possibility of creation, to find the calm within myself to make the decision to go after my attacker through the uncertainty of the justice system.

Because I had nothing else to hold on to, I chose to believe that even though I had suffered such a horrific event, that the Universe truly was protecting me, and that justice would be served. I chose to believe that despite the tear filled journey to recovery, that there was a greater purpose in place, and that some how, I would make the most of what happened to through helping others who experienced the same horrors.

Turning now towards the future, to The Star and to its counter part Strength, I am prepared to open myself fully to the healing and the magic of the Universe. I am prepared to take the next step in welcoming to love and the gifts of the Universe because I know now more than ever that I am worthy of such things.

In the DruidCraft Tarot, they make the connection of the woman pictured in The Star to the Celtic goddess Brigidh, the same goddess who lit the fire within me, the first goddess whose energy I felt as a child, and the goddess whom I feel the most connection to, as she is a goddess of Healing Water and Sacred Flame.

Cards and Counter Parts from the DruidCraft Tarot

The Star speaks of embracing the healing waters, and accepting the sacred protection that is offered by the Universe in all things. It speaks of fueling the creative spirit and allowing yourself to receive all that has been waiting for you. It is a direct sign from your guides, on the physical and spiritual plane that you are on the right path, and to trust your intuition. Lessons have been learned, scars have been earned, and now is the time to allow hope to bloom within one's heart, because that's where dreams are made.

The Star's counter part Strength refers to not just a boost in physical vitality, but of emotional endurance; having faced such strong oppositions, positioning yourself into a strong mental position. Retaining composure, and compassion while standing your ground.

A quote from the Oceanic Tarot about the card Strength, "What opposes you is lower then you are..."

Cards and Counter Parts from the Oceanic Tarot

This quote speaks volumes to me, and reminds me of all that I have risen above, and how I continue to do so by staying true to who I am, my needs, and my path.

Even now within just the first two weeks of 2017, I already feel the weight of the past year alleviated. Depending in who you ask, numerologically 2017 is a 1/10 year. A year of new beginnings, of mastery.

Going into this year there is already so much to be grateful for, so much potential already taking shape in the physical realm.

I have my first performance review with my new employer which could very well result in a pay raise.  As I mentioned before, withing the next couple of weeks I will be celebrating the first year of my relationship with an amazing man, with whom I will be taking the next step and building a home together. I will continue my training and healing with my current teacher and mentor as well as beginning official Reiki training, in addition I will be seeking a mentor and teacher to help take my tarot reading to the next level.

And that's only what I have in mind until roughly March or April. I think it goes without saying that I hope to be able to keep up with this blog all throughout the year, and perhaps even begin a new adventure.

This year is bright and young and perhaps for the first time, I am in fact ready to be in a happy, healthy, prosperous, and productive place; mind, body, and soul.

I hope all of you are just as excited about this year as I am.

Brightest Blessings to you all,

~Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Hello 2017

Hello 2017 and hello to all of you, welcome back to Through the Secret Door.

I was thinking about this place the other day, and I realized that since I started this project, I have consistently 'disappeared' from around Samhain to Imbolc, or roughly from November to February, give or take a post or two.

What got me thinking about it is the fact that I do the same thing with my personal life, I tend to retreat during those months and focus mostly on work. Seasonal illness tends to play a role in that also, but I'm realizing that between those times my spiritual practice tends to take a back seat, and once the craziness of the holidays die down and I recover, that's when I tend to feel myself wanting to get back to the routines I try to maintain throughout the rest of the year.

Being that this is the first year that I've noticed this pattern, I'm hoping that I will be able to keep that in mind, and that I find a way to maintain a good balance between my work life and my spiritual life.

With all of that to say, I think I want to focus on simply writing and sharing my thoughts and experiences, at least for the time being. I wrote last year about a particular event, and while I have come so far in reclaiming my life and getting back on track, the journey is not over yet.

Despite some of the horrific events that took place last year, there were also some wonderful experiences and changes that made dealing with the horrible stuff manageable.

In 2016 I ended an unhealthy relationship and through that process I realized how much I put others before myself and learned how important being fair to myself truly is.

Once I made the decision to put myself first, the Universe brought my current partner into my life, and while we differ on some aspects, I couldn't ask for a more supportive, understanding, and solid individual to experience this life with. I am happy to say that come March we will be celebrating our first year as a couple and will be living together.

As a result of being attacked, I returned to therapy and after a couple of months of working with a non-spiritual therapist, I made the switch to work with a teacher and mentor whom I had previously taken classes with regarding shielding and healing.

I am so grateful that I listened to my inner voice and made the decision to work with this person as we not only work to heal the hurt and trauma of that particular event, but that we also go deeper into the hurts of my past, as well as working towards the future.

I changed jobs twice last year, and am happy to say that I finally work for a company that shares my values and ideals that is still young enough that there is ample opportunity for growth. It's not where I plan on staying forever as I intended for my spiritual work to eventually become my full time profession, but it's nice knowing that I have such a stable foundation to work from.

Last year I expressed my desire to learn and work with my chakras, and that is something I will be picking back up this year. I plan on continuing to work with stones, scents, candles, meditation, and cards just like last year. In addition I've also sent away for a couple of books, and CDs that I think will help to deepen my understanding a provide good references that will be good to have on hand. I'll be sure to share titles and pictures as soon as they all finish arriving.

I will also be continuing to deepen my knowledge of tarot and honing my reading skills through study of individual cards, including my tarot card of the year. I think I'll save that piece of information for another post as I have a few thoughts to share regarding last year's card.

I think this is where I am going to leave today's post. It feels good getting back into the saddle, and I hope that I am able to maintain this feeling of quietness and focus to just sit and being willing to share.

I hope each and everyone of you had a joyous holiday season and a safe fun new year.

Until next time,

Brightest Blessings,

Thealynn

©2013-2017 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Things Happen In Threes

Hey there my dears,

It's been a fast few weeks since I wrote last, and so much has changed. I've thought about sitting down and writing more than once, but felt at a loss for words. In addition there has also been a series of events that all tied together, and I felt that it might be easier if I took the time to write about them all at once. It would also provide me with the opportunity to simply live what was taking place rather than trying to analyze and depict what I was thinking and feeling for every little piece, which I knew I would end up doing if I decided not to wait.

Over the last six months, give a few weeks, I have been essentially holding my breath. I've written more than once about how excruciating the waiting process has been and even though I am still waiting, at least I am waiting for something else now.

Back in September I got a call from the District Attorney informing me that the police report had been reviewed and that the next step in the process would be to present the case to a grand jury. So, on October 17th, I appeared before a grand jury to testify in my own case. These seven men and women who had never seen my face or known my name were given the task of deciding if my story had enough merit to continue on.

I remember calling my boyfriend full of panic and relief at the same time. This is what I had been waiting for, for months. I spent the next couple of hours calling my family to share the news, and gently tell them to go about their usual routines that day because I couldn't bare the thought of any additional pressure.

Once at the courthouse I met with the attorney representing me, she was very kind and explained to me what I could expect from the experience. The officer who had filed the report and taken my statement was also there to testify which gave me a greater sense of ease. The advocate from victim's assistance was also present, for which I was grateful as my supportive boyfriend would have at least the option of company.

My testimony was shorter than I thought it would be, and at one point I wondered if perhaps I should have been more specific with certain details, but when the officer exited the conference room in roughly the same amount of time, I felt the tension release by a small fraction.

It was then that the jury would deliberate and come to a decision. I recall sitting in a small waiting room holding onto my boyfriends hand and thinking that this was the moment of truth. I began to panic thinking that I should have given them more information, I should have given them details, I should have let myself be emotional rather than the almost eerie composure that I had somehow managed to conjure up.

As much as I panicked I also reassured myself that even if I personally hadn't convinced them, that there had to be something that the officer shared that would help them make the right decision. I had come so far in putting my life back together again, there was no way I was could fall of the wagon now.

I can't say for certain how long they deliberated, I just remember trying not to cry before I even knew the answer. And my sweet partner, never letting go of my hand as I fidgeted and sighed, was silent and strong for me while we waited.

When the door opened, and I was told their decision, I was so deep into my own mind that I didn't understand the first time the words were spoken. Shocked, I asked them to be repeated, and simply nodded at first.

The jury had sided with me, they were moving forward with the case, and the next step would be to arrest my attacker. I was told that such things can take some time for necessary paperwork, but that it would be within the next two weeks, and that I would be told when it was done. I was given a brief description that would come after, and that I would be informed every step of the way.

I thanked the advocate for their time and support and that I looked forward to hearing from them soon. I took a moment to shake hands with my attorney and with the officer and genuinely thanked them both before heading back to the elevator as I didn't trust my feet with stairs.

I didn't even wait for the doors to open before embracing my partner in relief, but it wasn't until we reached the car that the news really began to sink in. By this time we were both crying with relief and gratitude and hope.

Roughly ten days later I received a phone call from the same officer that he had just arrested my attacker, and that he was secured in prison. Another waved of relief and this time it hit me harder. It was only after I received that phone call that any of it felt real, that I felt safe enough to really cry and to take in a deep breath.

More good news came just a few short days later when I learned of his arraignment and his bail. More reassurance that my attacker is going to stay exactly where he is, at least for now. As trial dates are set and negotiations begin, things can change and shift, but at least for the next couple of months, I can rest a little easier, breath a little deeper, and smile a little more freely.

By no means is this journey over, but so much was accomplished in just a few short weeks. It's hard for me not to be optimistic, or hopeful and I will admit that I am wary of becoming unrealistic, but after all that has happened, I think I deserve to celebrate these victories. I do deserve to rejoice in the righteousness and justice that have been delivered.

There is still waiting to be done and there is still a very real possibility that this is how far it will go. But it could have ended two weeks ago in that room with those seven strangers. For my own sake, I choose to believe that justice will continue to be served, I choose to believe that he will pay for his crimes, and I choose to embrace happiness and joy to the utmost of my ability.

Samhain is in a few short days, and with that comes the whirlwind of the holidays theoretically designated to help us focus on what we are blessed with.

I already know what I am grateful for this year, and as I continue to heal and to better my life, I will cherish those people who have believed in me and supported me through the worst circle of hell I have yet to experience.

September may have been the longest month of my life, but October has certainly been this year's saving grace.

Never forget that you are strong, and that you are worth every happiness my dears. Some times you just have to fight for them.

Brightest Blessings to you and yours,

Thealynn

©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf

Midnight Musings

Hey there dears,

I don't know about the rest of you, but this time of year always gets me into a reflective frame of mind. I don't know if it's because I feel the energy of my part of the world slowly shifting into a dark time, if it's the change in the weather or if it's on a deeper level with Samhain fast approaching.

Whatever the reason, I am pulled towards reviewing the paces of the last year and even further back. I feel the call of the shadows from so long ago and almost long to be back in those times and places with the people that have been left behind.

I have a sense of trepidation as I begin to consider how I might want to proceed into the year to come and how I might be able to begin preparing; which I think is a bit different than in prior years. Before there was a focus on attempting to tie as many loose ends as possible, to finish as much unfinished business that I might feel lighter when I rang in the New Year.

There is most certainly a sense on wanting to shed as much of the past as possible not because I wish to escape or because there are is something that needs to be outrun, but because when I look around I find myself asking: How long have I been carting this around with me? How many lifetimes have come and gone between myself and these times.

That's not to say that I am unsentimental, in fact sentimentalism is exactly why I still possess certain items that I otherwise would have discarded many times over. There are still several things that I hold onto because there is a sense of fondness when I lay eyes on them; more often than not the memories are bittersweet, but even so, it can be difficult to say good-bye.

I think it could be that if we don't hold onto physical mementos, is because if we don't have that physical thing, we're more likely to forget the memories attached to the item. That somehow we'll loose the part of ourselves that are connected to those places and people, even if the connection is a painful one.

So why hang on to them? Why make yourself relive the pain and the struggle to get to where you are now? I can say from my own perspective that perhaps the pain feels like a necessity to help you remember why you got out of that situation, why you left that place, why you no longer speak to that person.

Then I find myself asking, if the experience was so profound and was so defining, do you really need the reminder? Every item that is held onto for those purposes carries the energies from when those experiences took place. Why would you want a talisman that links you so directly with those horrible memories?

Obligation is really the only reason I can think of, but, obligation to who? All of those items, all of these things are potentially tied to people that may very well mean nothing to you now, but because they did at one point, you somehow owe them?

I don't think so.

That's not to say that we don't hold only things because of the good memories, isn't that where so much of our extra 'stuff' comes from? It can be difficult to know when or if to let something go. The main problem I find myself running into is, what if they ask about "it" or what if they come into my space and they don't see "it"?

Even though this is something I some times consider before making a decision, I always end up reminding myself that rarely if ever do I find myself within that situation. When am I ever going to be in a situation with said people where they will ever think to as about said stuff.

All signs point to: Never.

Once I started thinking about physical items as more than just mementos and as energy containers, there was some pieces that I genuinely couldn't wait to get rid of. That's not to say that I didn't struggle with bidding farewell with some.

I remember a few select gifts that I held onto because I had a deep emotional appreciation for the item(s) and not only that, because of the nature in which they had been given and received. But in the end it came back to the nature of the energy, despite the original nature of the gifts, because of the development of the associate I had with those items, the energy shifts and evolved to mirror the way I viewed them after 'x' amount of time.

I don't recall specifically when, but I remember thinking on all of these things and trying to figure out exactly where I landed on all of this when I found myself wondering:

"How much room is all of this energy from the past taking up? How much space could I create for all of the things I want to bring into my life, if I went ahead and said syonara to everything from my past that I don't see a place for in my future?"

As with all things, going through and deciding the best we to detach ourselves from our past ties takes deserved time and consideration. I remember being at my mother's house with my sister as we went through box after box and I agreed to keep certain items, and yet by the time my designated boxes made it into my space, there was very little I ended up keeping.

I still find myself with items that I'm not sure I want to hang on to, and at the same time, I don't have a good way of letting them go. So, for the time being I have decided that while they are in my space, they have respective bubbles. By in which their energy is contained and not permitted to 'leak' into my main space, at least until I can make a confident decision.

I will say however that I renew their bubbles on a fairly regular basis, I think it's only fair to send the contained energy back to Mama Earth and let Her transmute the energy for greater purposes as to not let the energy build up and either become stale or reinforced depending on the object.

All of this unexpected thought vomit aside, this was not originally what I set out to write about, but apparently it needed to be written. I do think it's interesting that some of these ramblings tend to come to me at night, usually when there are plans for the early morning.

Perhaps the next time I come to write, I will do so with the original thoughts that brought me to my slice of sacred space here in the interwebs.

Until next time loves,

Brightest Blessings

Thealynn

©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf