Hey there my dears,
It's been a fast few weeks since I wrote last, and so much has changed. I've thought about sitting down and writing more than once, but felt at a loss for words. In addition there has also been a series of events that all tied together, and I felt that it might be easier if I took the time to write about them all at once. It would also provide me with the opportunity to simply live what was taking place rather than trying to analyze and depict what I was thinking and feeling for every little piece, which I knew I would end up doing if I decided not to wait.
Over the last six months, give a few weeks, I have been essentially holding my breath. I've written more than once about how excruciating the waiting process has been and even though I am still waiting, at least I am waiting for something else now.
Back in September I got a call from the District Attorney informing me that the police report had been reviewed and that the next step in the process would be to present the case to a grand jury. So, on October 17th, I appeared before a grand jury to testify in my own case. These seven men and women who had never seen my face or known my name were given the task of deciding if my story had enough merit to continue on.
I remember calling my boyfriend full of panic and relief at the same time. This is what I had been waiting for, for months. I spent the next couple of hours calling my family to share the news, and gently tell them to go about their usual routines that day because I couldn't bare the thought of any additional pressure.
Once at the courthouse I met with the attorney representing me, she was very kind and explained to me what I could expect from the experience. The officer who had filed the report and taken my statement was also there to testify which gave me a greater sense of ease. The advocate from victim's assistance was also present, for which I was grateful as my supportive boyfriend would have at least the option of company.
My testimony was shorter than I thought it would be, and at one point I wondered if perhaps I should have been more specific with certain details, but when the officer exited the conference room in roughly the same amount of time, I felt the tension release by a small fraction.
It was then that the jury would deliberate and come to a decision. I recall sitting in a small waiting room holding onto my boyfriends hand and thinking that this was the moment of truth. I began to panic thinking that I should have given them more information, I should have given them details, I should have let myself be emotional rather than the almost eerie composure that I had somehow managed to conjure up.
As much as I panicked I also reassured myself that even if I personally hadn't convinced them, that there had to be something that the officer shared that would help them make the right decision. I had come so far in putting my life back together again, there was no way I was could fall of the wagon now.
I can't say for certain how long they deliberated, I just remember trying not to cry before I even knew the answer. And my sweet partner, never letting go of my hand as I fidgeted and sighed, was silent and strong for me while we waited.
When the door opened, and I was told their decision, I was so deep into my own mind that I didn't understand the first time the words were spoken. Shocked, I asked them to be repeated, and simply nodded at first.
The jury had sided with me, they were moving forward with the case, and the next step would be to arrest my attacker. I was told that such things can take some time for necessary paperwork, but that it would be within the next two weeks, and that I would be told when it was done. I was given a brief description that would come after, and that I would be informed every step of the way.
I thanked the advocate for their time and support and that I looked forward to hearing from them soon. I took a moment to shake hands with my attorney and with the officer and genuinely thanked them both before heading back to the elevator as I didn't trust my feet with stairs.
I didn't even wait for the doors to open before embracing my partner in relief, but it wasn't until we reached the car that the news really began to sink in. By this time we were both crying with relief and gratitude and hope.
Roughly ten days later I received a phone call from the same officer that he had just arrested my attacker, and that he was secured in prison. Another waved of relief and this time it hit me harder. It was only after I received that phone call that any of it felt real, that I felt safe enough to really cry and to take in a deep breath.
More good news came just a few short days later when I learned of his arraignment and his bail. More reassurance that my attacker is going to stay exactly where he is, at least for now. As trial dates are set and negotiations begin, things can change and shift, but at least for the next couple of months, I can rest a little easier, breath a little deeper, and smile a little more freely.
By no means is this journey over, but so much was accomplished in just a few short weeks. It's hard for me not to be optimistic, or hopeful and I will admit that I am wary of becoming unrealistic, but after all that has happened, I think I deserve to celebrate these victories. I do deserve to rejoice in the righteousness and justice that have been delivered.
There is still waiting to be done and there is still a very real possibility that this is how far it will go. But it could have ended two weeks ago in that room with those seven strangers. For my own sake, I choose to believe that justice will continue to be served, I choose to believe that he will pay for his crimes, and I choose to embrace happiness and joy to the utmost of my ability.
Samhain is in a few short days, and with that comes the whirlwind of the holidays theoretically designated to help us focus on what we are blessed with.
I already know what I am grateful for this year, and as I continue to heal and to better my life, I will cherish those people who have believed in me and supported me through the worst circle of hell I have yet to experience.
September may have been the longest month of my life, but October has certainly been this year's saving grace.
Never forget that you are strong, and that you are worth every happiness my dears. Some times you just have to fight for them.
Brightest Blessings to you and yours,
Thealynn
©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Saturday, October 29, 2016
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Midnight Musings
Hey there dears,
I don't know about the rest of you, but this time of year always gets me into a reflective frame of mind. I don't know if it's because I feel the energy of my part of the world slowly shifting into a dark time, if it's the change in the weather or if it's on a deeper level with Samhain fast approaching.
Whatever the reason, I am pulled towards reviewing the paces of the last year and even further back. I feel the call of the shadows from so long ago and almost long to be back in those times and places with the people that have been left behind.
I have a sense of trepidation as I begin to consider how I might want to proceed into the year to come and how I might be able to begin preparing; which I think is a bit different than in prior years. Before there was a focus on attempting to tie as many loose ends as possible, to finish as much unfinished business that I might feel lighter when I rang in the New Year.
There is most certainly a sense on wanting to shed as much of the past as possible not because I wish to escape or because there are is something that needs to be outrun, but because when I look around I find myself asking: How long have I been carting this around with me? How many lifetimes have come and gone between myself and these times.
That's not to say that I am unsentimental, in fact sentimentalism is exactly why I still possess certain items that I otherwise would have discarded many times over. There are still several things that I hold onto because there is a sense of fondness when I lay eyes on them; more often than not the memories are bittersweet, but even so, it can be difficult to say good-bye.
I think it could be that if we don't hold onto physical mementos, is because if we don't have that physical thing, we're more likely to forget the memories attached to the item. That somehow we'll loose the part of ourselves that are connected to those places and people, even if the connection is a painful one.
So why hang on to them? Why make yourself relive the pain and the struggle to get to where you are now? I can say from my own perspective that perhaps the pain feels like a necessity to help you remember why you got out of that situation, why you left that place, why you no longer speak to that person.
Then I find myself asking, if the experience was so profound and was so defining, do you really need the reminder? Every item that is held onto for those purposes carries the energies from when those experiences took place. Why would you want a talisman that links you so directly with those horrible memories?
Obligation is really the only reason I can think of, but, obligation to who? All of those items, all of these things are potentially tied to people that may very well mean nothing to you now, but because they did at one point, you somehow owe them?
I don't think so.
That's not to say that we don't hold only things because of the good memories, isn't that where so much of our extra 'stuff' comes from? It can be difficult to know when or if to let something go. The main problem I find myself running into is, what if they ask about "it" or what if they come into my space and they don't see "it"?
Even though this is something I some times consider before making a decision, I always end up reminding myself that rarely if ever do I find myself within that situation. When am I ever going to be in a situation with said people where they will ever think to as about said stuff.
All signs point to: Never.
Once I started thinking about physical items as more than just mementos and as energy containers, there was some pieces that I genuinely couldn't wait to get rid of. That's not to say that I didn't struggle with bidding farewell with some.
I remember a few select gifts that I held onto because I had a deep emotional appreciation for the item(s) and not only that, because of the nature in which they had been given and received. But in the end it came back to the nature of the energy, despite the original nature of the gifts, because of the development of the associate I had with those items, the energy shifts and evolved to mirror the way I viewed them after 'x' amount of time.
I don't recall specifically when, but I remember thinking on all of these things and trying to figure out exactly where I landed on all of this when I found myself wondering:
"How much room is all of this energy from the past taking up? How much space could I create for all of the things I want to bring into my life, if I went ahead and said syonara to everything from my past that I don't see a place for in my future?"
As with all things, going through and deciding the best we to detach ourselves from our past ties takes deserved time and consideration. I remember being at my mother's house with my sister as we went through box after box and I agreed to keep certain items, and yet by the time my designated boxes made it into my space, there was very little I ended up keeping.
I still find myself with items that I'm not sure I want to hang on to, and at the same time, I don't have a good way of letting them go. So, for the time being I have decided that while they are in my space, they have respective bubbles. By in which their energy is contained and not permitted to 'leak' into my main space, at least until I can make a confident decision.
I will say however that I renew their bubbles on a fairly regular basis, I think it's only fair to send the contained energy back to Mama Earth and let Her transmute the energy for greater purposes as to not let the energy build up and either become stale or reinforced depending on the object.
All of this unexpected thought vomit aside, this was not originally what I set out to write about, but apparently it needed to be written. I do think it's interesting that some of these ramblings tend to come to me at night, usually when there are plans for the early morning.
Perhaps the next time I come to write, I will do so with the original thoughts that brought me to my slice of sacred space here in the interwebs.
Until next time loves,
Brightest Blessings
Thealynn
©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
I don't know about the rest of you, but this time of year always gets me into a reflective frame of mind. I don't know if it's because I feel the energy of my part of the world slowly shifting into a dark time, if it's the change in the weather or if it's on a deeper level with Samhain fast approaching.
Whatever the reason, I am pulled towards reviewing the paces of the last year and even further back. I feel the call of the shadows from so long ago and almost long to be back in those times and places with the people that have been left behind.
I have a sense of trepidation as I begin to consider how I might want to proceed into the year to come and how I might be able to begin preparing; which I think is a bit different than in prior years. Before there was a focus on attempting to tie as many loose ends as possible, to finish as much unfinished business that I might feel lighter when I rang in the New Year.
There is most certainly a sense on wanting to shed as much of the past as possible not because I wish to escape or because there are is something that needs to be outrun, but because when I look around I find myself asking: How long have I been carting this around with me? How many lifetimes have come and gone between myself and these times.
That's not to say that I am unsentimental, in fact sentimentalism is exactly why I still possess certain items that I otherwise would have discarded many times over. There are still several things that I hold onto because there is a sense of fondness when I lay eyes on them; more often than not the memories are bittersweet, but even so, it can be difficult to say good-bye.
I think it could be that if we don't hold onto physical mementos, is because if we don't have that physical thing, we're more likely to forget the memories attached to the item. That somehow we'll loose the part of ourselves that are connected to those places and people, even if the connection is a painful one.
So why hang on to them? Why make yourself relive the pain and the struggle to get to where you are now? I can say from my own perspective that perhaps the pain feels like a necessity to help you remember why you got out of that situation, why you left that place, why you no longer speak to that person.
Then I find myself asking, if the experience was so profound and was so defining, do you really need the reminder? Every item that is held onto for those purposes carries the energies from when those experiences took place. Why would you want a talisman that links you so directly with those horrible memories?
Obligation is really the only reason I can think of, but, obligation to who? All of those items, all of these things are potentially tied to people that may very well mean nothing to you now, but because they did at one point, you somehow owe them?
I don't think so.
That's not to say that we don't hold only things because of the good memories, isn't that where so much of our extra 'stuff' comes from? It can be difficult to know when or if to let something go. The main problem I find myself running into is, what if they ask about "it" or what if they come into my space and they don't see "it"?
Even though this is something I some times consider before making a decision, I always end up reminding myself that rarely if ever do I find myself within that situation. When am I ever going to be in a situation with said people where they will ever think to as about said stuff.
All signs point to: Never.
Once I started thinking about physical items as more than just mementos and as energy containers, there was some pieces that I genuinely couldn't wait to get rid of. That's not to say that I didn't struggle with bidding farewell with some.
I remember a few select gifts that I held onto because I had a deep emotional appreciation for the item(s) and not only that, because of the nature in which they had been given and received. But in the end it came back to the nature of the energy, despite the original nature of the gifts, because of the development of the associate I had with those items, the energy shifts and evolved to mirror the way I viewed them after 'x' amount of time.
I don't recall specifically when, but I remember thinking on all of these things and trying to figure out exactly where I landed on all of this when I found myself wondering:
"How much room is all of this energy from the past taking up? How much space could I create for all of the things I want to bring into my life, if I went ahead and said syonara to everything from my past that I don't see a place for in my future?"
As with all things, going through and deciding the best we to detach ourselves from our past ties takes deserved time and consideration. I remember being at my mother's house with my sister as we went through box after box and I agreed to keep certain items, and yet by the time my designated boxes made it into my space, there was very little I ended up keeping.
I still find myself with items that I'm not sure I want to hang on to, and at the same time, I don't have a good way of letting them go. So, for the time being I have decided that while they are in my space, they have respective bubbles. By in which their energy is contained and not permitted to 'leak' into my main space, at least until I can make a confident decision.
I will say however that I renew their bubbles on a fairly regular basis, I think it's only fair to send the contained energy back to Mama Earth and let Her transmute the energy for greater purposes as to not let the energy build up and either become stale or reinforced depending on the object.
All of this unexpected thought vomit aside, this was not originally what I set out to write about, but apparently it needed to be written. I do think it's interesting that some of these ramblings tend to come to me at night, usually when there are plans for the early morning.
Perhaps the next time I come to write, I will do so with the original thoughts that brought me to my slice of sacred space here in the interwebs.
Until next time loves,
Brightest Blessings
Thealynn
©2013-2016 Thealynn Oceanna Rosewolf
Friday, September 30, 2016
So Long September
Hey there loves,
I probably mentioned this in my last posting, but boy howdy am I ready for September to be over. For only being thirty days long, this month has seen more shifts and changes, ebbs and flows, ups and downs, back and forth than I think any one month has seen in a LONG time.
Even though we celebrated the Vernal Equinox just a short time ago, for me, I've been feeling a bit sluggish in the transition between summer and autumn. Perhaps it's because of all of the cosmic energy going from one point to another, portal after portal, and tonight it feels like it's finally coming to a close with tonight's Black Moon.
Tonight it feels as though the breath I've been holding can finally be released and I can take in a deep breath beginning October first. I honestly don't even know if I can say specifically why that it is, only that I've been looking forward to it for weeks now.
With all of the hub-bub that's been going on this month, I've felt a great need to not only reevaluate the emotional, mental, and spiritual clutter; but physical clutter as well.
For over half of my life, I have moved on average once a year. The longest I can remember staying in one place was four years. As for where I live now, it's been about a year and a half, which isn't bad; however it is a distinct possibility that I will be relocating once again near the beginning of next year.
As that has been on my mind, I begin to take account of what I have been carting around with me for the last five years and I ask myself if it's something I want to take with me this next time. The isn't including the items I received from my mother when she had a mind to move across the country and cleaned out her house, storage unit, and garage. Most of which, I have narrowed down and three fourths of said items have already been donated.
Being that routinely purging myself of unused items is a habit of mine, it also made sense to take a look at my alter, and decide what I might want to change out, what I might want to bring in, and I must say that I am very pleased with the results.
Some of the items I've never had on my alter prior to now, as I never really felt a calling towards those items. I even took it upon myself to create a second smaller alter, which I absolutely adore.
With my new alters in place, cleaned and charged, it really makes the energy of my space feel more, magical. Which might sound silly to say, but it's truly how the space feels. I feel comfortable spending time in front of my alters, I WANT to spend time in front of my alters, which is something that I can't has I've really felt this strongly before.
I feel myself wanting to craft, and to create, to dive deeper into my spiritual studies and practices and for the first time since beginning this path, I feel comfortable calling myself a witch. I'll be writing about that journey in a separate piece.
September has been like one giant trip down the rabbit hole, if the rabbit hole was like a whirlwind with different portals to navigate with a touch of asking Toto if Kansas was where we even started in the first place.
During this Black Moon I will be working with not just one dark goddess but three. It only seems fitting between the three moon phases, the 9.9.9 x 3, the portals of the eclipses and the turning of the wheel from the light to the dark time of year.
Not only will I be doing ritual work with three amazing goddess, I will be setting intentions for 2017, which is strange for me to really think about as I feel the past two years have been so transformative, I sincerely feel like 2017 is going to see a lot of manifestation, and I am curious to see how it unfolds.
I do think that this is an amazing to be setting those intentions though, as we are quickly approaching Samhain, the Celtic New Year, and what many pagans view as their magical New Year.
I know that one of the things I've been thinking on recently is that I want to trying and get ahead when it comes to planning and preparing for rituals, holidays, and aspects of the more 'mundane' as well.
In a way I feel as though 2015 was the year I took the blinders off, and really took a look at my life and myself and genuinely asked myself where the hell I was going. I remember starting of in 2015 thinking that all of these amazing changes were going to happen and that I was going to kickstart and just be awesome about getting my ducks in a row.
At the year end I found myself assessing what progress I had made, taking account of what I still needed to focus on, what areas I needed help with, and asking the question, was I happy where I was.
Early 2016 was a lot of cleaning skeletons out of closets, taking out the trash and really deep cleaning the parts of my life that were being neglected. 2016 was the first time in my life where I have continuously put myself first and didn't apologize for it.
2016 has been a year that has been desperately fighting to get back into balance, and tonight I think is one more milestone of the journey. Tonight I will take a power vacuum to all of the corners and crevices to snatch up any remaining dust and cobwebs holding onto old, stagnant, no longer needed energy, ideas, perceptions and emotions that keep me attached to past.
Tonight I will set my intentions, I will meet with the Universe through the divine feminine, I will bathe in the glory of fresh beginnings and I will emerge on the other side ready to greet the rest of this year refreshed and ready for the work ahead.
Rather than waiting until the end of December to think about how you want to improve your life next year, start thinking about it now. Beginning setting yourself up now, and really consider what you can do to help yourself succeed next year. Start planning ahead, and be open to alternative methods, be flexible and I think you'll be amazed at what can happen when you're open to the possibility.
I shared this photo on my Instagram page, and I loved it so much, I will share it here also. If you would like to follow me on Instagram, I'll leave a link for you here: My Instagram.
If this is the first time you're hearing about the Black Moon and are curious about what this might mean for you, I'll include a few links to some articles that I read and really enjoyed.
I've also shared some of these links on my Facebook page that I will link for you as well: My FaceBook.
This article talks about the power of connecting with the goddess Lilith during this Black Moon: September's Black Moon: The Rare, Powerful Feminine Goddess Lilith.
If you're interested in celebrating and working with this Black Moon energy but aren't quiet sure how, I found this simple ritual that I liked so much, I shared it in one of my groups.
One thing I want to say, is that when it comes to ritual, never be ashamed to work with what you have, even if all you have is you. Tools are nice to have and they can help add to the experience, but some of the most profound rituals I've done have literally just been me and the Universe. Black Moon Ritual
Writing abundance checks is a practice that I try to do every month, and it doesn't always happen, but it just goes to show that planning ahead is something I know I can benefit from.
Don't have a printer? No problem, you can hand draw your checks, it works just as well, if not more so because you are putting your energy and intentions in from start to finish. Writing New Moon Abundance Checks.
The last link I want to share with you is a Youtube Channel. If you've been with me before you know that finding Sage Goddess has been a major help to me not just in my practice but in transforming my life as a whole.
Tonight we are gathering in ritual to work with the energies of the Black Moon and you can too! I link her YouTube channel because you can come back and visit whenever it's convenient as all of the rituals are archived.
I sincerely recommend watching/participating in at least one ritual and see how you feel, I personally love them - clearly as I am recommending them here! Sage Goddess Black Moon Ritual.
I hope to be able to provide more resources and ideas with you all as time goes on, and hopefully I'll get better at doing so in a timely manner.
I will be drawing a new card for the Monthly Tarot Card tomorrow, so don't miss that, and if you're in need of more personalized guidance, I can help you with that also.
May this Dark Moon shine some light for you as we move towards Sahmain and into the dark half of the year. I encourage you all to release at least one thing that you know does not serve you, and to set an intention to help replace that one thing with something that makes you happy, that serves your higher purpose.
Brightest Blessings,
Thealynn
I probably mentioned this in my last posting, but boy howdy am I ready for September to be over. For only being thirty days long, this month has seen more shifts and changes, ebbs and flows, ups and downs, back and forth than I think any one month has seen in a LONG time.
Even though we celebrated the Vernal Equinox just a short time ago, for me, I've been feeling a bit sluggish in the transition between summer and autumn. Perhaps it's because of all of the cosmic energy going from one point to another, portal after portal, and tonight it feels like it's finally coming to a close with tonight's Black Moon.
Tonight it feels as though the breath I've been holding can finally be released and I can take in a deep breath beginning October first. I honestly don't even know if I can say specifically why that it is, only that I've been looking forward to it for weeks now.
With all of the hub-bub that's been going on this month, I've felt a great need to not only reevaluate the emotional, mental, and spiritual clutter; but physical clutter as well.
For over half of my life, I have moved on average once a year. The longest I can remember staying in one place was four years. As for where I live now, it's been about a year and a half, which isn't bad; however it is a distinct possibility that I will be relocating once again near the beginning of next year.
As that has been on my mind, I begin to take account of what I have been carting around with me for the last five years and I ask myself if it's something I want to take with me this next time. The isn't including the items I received from my mother when she had a mind to move across the country and cleaned out her house, storage unit, and garage. Most of which, I have narrowed down and three fourths of said items have already been donated.
Being that routinely purging myself of unused items is a habit of mine, it also made sense to take a look at my alter, and decide what I might want to change out, what I might want to bring in, and I must say that I am very pleased with the results.
Some of the items I've never had on my alter prior to now, as I never really felt a calling towards those items. I even took it upon myself to create a second smaller alter, which I absolutely adore.
With my new alters in place, cleaned and charged, it really makes the energy of my space feel more, magical. Which might sound silly to say, but it's truly how the space feels. I feel comfortable spending time in front of my alters, I WANT to spend time in front of my alters, which is something that I can't has I've really felt this strongly before.
I feel myself wanting to craft, and to create, to dive deeper into my spiritual studies and practices and for the first time since beginning this path, I feel comfortable calling myself a witch. I'll be writing about that journey in a separate piece.
September has been like one giant trip down the rabbit hole, if the rabbit hole was like a whirlwind with different portals to navigate with a touch of asking Toto if Kansas was where we even started in the first place.
During this Black Moon I will be working with not just one dark goddess but three. It only seems fitting between the three moon phases, the 9.9.9 x 3, the portals of the eclipses and the turning of the wheel from the light to the dark time of year.
Not only will I be doing ritual work with three amazing goddess, I will be setting intentions for 2017, which is strange for me to really think about as I feel the past two years have been so transformative, I sincerely feel like 2017 is going to see a lot of manifestation, and I am curious to see how it unfolds.
I do think that this is an amazing to be setting those intentions though, as we are quickly approaching Samhain, the Celtic New Year, and what many pagans view as their magical New Year.
I know that one of the things I've been thinking on recently is that I want to trying and get ahead when it comes to planning and preparing for rituals, holidays, and aspects of the more 'mundane' as well.
In a way I feel as though 2015 was the year I took the blinders off, and really took a look at my life and myself and genuinely asked myself where the hell I was going. I remember starting of in 2015 thinking that all of these amazing changes were going to happen and that I was going to kickstart and just be awesome about getting my ducks in a row.
At the year end I found myself assessing what progress I had made, taking account of what I still needed to focus on, what areas I needed help with, and asking the question, was I happy where I was.
Early 2016 was a lot of cleaning skeletons out of closets, taking out the trash and really deep cleaning the parts of my life that were being neglected. 2016 was the first time in my life where I have continuously put myself first and didn't apologize for it.
2016 has been a year that has been desperately fighting to get back into balance, and tonight I think is one more milestone of the journey. Tonight I will take a power vacuum to all of the corners and crevices to snatch up any remaining dust and cobwebs holding onto old, stagnant, no longer needed energy, ideas, perceptions and emotions that keep me attached to past.
Tonight I will set my intentions, I will meet with the Universe through the divine feminine, I will bathe in the glory of fresh beginnings and I will emerge on the other side ready to greet the rest of this year refreshed and ready for the work ahead.
Rather than waiting until the end of December to think about how you want to improve your life next year, start thinking about it now. Beginning setting yourself up now, and really consider what you can do to help yourself succeed next year. Start planning ahead, and be open to alternative methods, be flexible and I think you'll be amazed at what can happen when you're open to the possibility.
I shared this photo on my Instagram page, and I loved it so much, I will share it here also. If you would like to follow me on Instagram, I'll leave a link for you here: My Instagram.
I've also shared some of these links on my Facebook page that I will link for you as well: My FaceBook.
This article talks about the power of connecting with the goddess Lilith during this Black Moon: September's Black Moon: The Rare, Powerful Feminine Goddess Lilith.
If you're interested in celebrating and working with this Black Moon energy but aren't quiet sure how, I found this simple ritual that I liked so much, I shared it in one of my groups.
One thing I want to say, is that when it comes to ritual, never be ashamed to work with what you have, even if all you have is you. Tools are nice to have and they can help add to the experience, but some of the most profound rituals I've done have literally just been me and the Universe. Black Moon Ritual
Writing abundance checks is a practice that I try to do every month, and it doesn't always happen, but it just goes to show that planning ahead is something I know I can benefit from.
Don't have a printer? No problem, you can hand draw your checks, it works just as well, if not more so because you are putting your energy and intentions in from start to finish. Writing New Moon Abundance Checks.
The last link I want to share with you is a Youtube Channel. If you've been with me before you know that finding Sage Goddess has been a major help to me not just in my practice but in transforming my life as a whole.
Tonight we are gathering in ritual to work with the energies of the Black Moon and you can too! I link her YouTube channel because you can come back and visit whenever it's convenient as all of the rituals are archived.
I sincerely recommend watching/participating in at least one ritual and see how you feel, I personally love them - clearly as I am recommending them here! Sage Goddess Black Moon Ritual.
I hope to be able to provide more resources and ideas with you all as time goes on, and hopefully I'll get better at doing so in a timely manner.
I will be drawing a new card for the Monthly Tarot Card tomorrow, so don't miss that, and if you're in need of more personalized guidance, I can help you with that also.
May this Dark Moon shine some light for you as we move towards Sahmain and into the dark half of the year. I encourage you all to release at least one thing that you know does not serve you, and to set an intention to help replace that one thing with something that makes you happy, that serves your higher purpose.
Brightest Blessings,
Thealynn
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
General Chat: Like a Page from my Diary
Good evening loves,
It's been a lengthy break since my last article for several reasons, but I believe most importantly that I just needed to be able to breath, needed to air out my space, as this place is in fact so near and dear to me.
Some times even with things you love, taking a step back is necessary to regroup, recharge, and to recognize all of the wonderful things in your life. I know I've definitely needed that.
Writing to you tonight, we have gone through the portal of the new moon/solar eclipse combo and the full moon/lunar eclipse combo, made it through Mercury Retrograde, Mabon (Autumn/Vernal Equinox) and experienced two of three 9:9:9 energy dollops.
And this month is still not done...
We still have the second new moon of the month, known as the Black Moon as well as one last dip into the 9:9:9 - which happens to be tomorrow! Or today, depending on when you read this.
With all of that who-ha going on it's easy to get caught up in all of that energy, all of that crazy - you might be feeling overwhelmed, and it's totally understandable!
I myself have found it difficult to navigate some days, nigh impossible during others. It can be rather unsettling, especially when you experience a back spasm lasting for days at a time...
If I ever had a push to change some of my habits, I think this is the bull horn sounding as it's past time to get going on that. Admittedly I have talked about starting this and that as a way to get into a healthier life style, and while some things have stuck, not everything has.
Being pushed in this way also causes me to look at the bigger picture, which I have avoided in the past I think mostly because I didn't feel like I could handle the VAST BIG PICTURE. Every step just felt like a giant leap, and not that I'm ailing by any means, but I've known for a long time that I could be taking better care of myself.
As after almost a week of near consistent bed rest, I was excited to go back to work and get my mojo flowing. Subtly though, no need to rush into anything, not that I can rush much right now anyway.
I will say however that I was disappointed in my lack of enthusiasm when Mabon came round, because it's definitely one of my favorites out of the Celtic Wheel of the Year. Imbolc is neck 'n neck with Mabon and Yule sneaks in there too.
I spent the day getting used to my temporary medication and slept the majority of the day, but I did manage to send out my gratitude by making a list of all that I have to celebrate and burning the message. I also did a small meditation in which I spoke with all of my known guides and expressed gratitude to them as they work so hard on my behalf.
At the beginning of the month I was honored to celebrate the marriage of one of my dearest, and closest friends. It was magical in and of itself to watch him marry the perfect woman for him, and to dance the night away with him and his beautiful bride - and my amazing partner as well.
Barely a week after the wedding I received the best piece of news I've heard in my life - my case is progressing and is taking the next step. If you are unfamiliar with what I am referring to, I would encourage you to read the piece I wrote titled: Behind Door Number Four.
When I received the news, I started crying with relief, it was like a huge weight had been lifted from me. That's not to say that the metric fuck-ton of pressure and stress I live with everyday suddenly disappeared, it's merely one grain of salt taken off the top of a mountain.
I'm currently without a load of information, but I am beyond grateful and relieved to be moving forward, not just with my case, but in all areas of my life.
I can only speak for myself but I am feeling worn out by 2016. Granted a lot has changed, and there are still more changes to be seen or unseen, and we are very close to October which means we are that much closer to 2016 drawing to a close.
I really do find it remarkable, looking back to the beginning of this year; where I was mentally and emotionally, where I was working, who my friends were, who I was dating, what my goals were.
In just nine short months, so much as changed...
I'm grateful for those changes, I am grateful that I have come so far, that regardless and in spite of all of the hell that I have endured thus far this year, that I am still standing (mostly) and that even if I don't necessarily trust that I am ready for what's coming next, I know that I am not alone.
I think this is the first year in my adult life that I really feel that way. That I am not alone, that while I am capable of embodying the lone wolf, that I have a pack ready to back me up, ready to fight along side me, ready to face those hell fires with me.
I guess we'll see what else this year has in store, gods know it can be anything, and chances are, it's going to be everything.
Brightest Blessings to you all,
Thealynn
It's been a lengthy break since my last article for several reasons, but I believe most importantly that I just needed to be able to breath, needed to air out my space, as this place is in fact so near and dear to me.
Some times even with things you love, taking a step back is necessary to regroup, recharge, and to recognize all of the wonderful things in your life. I know I've definitely needed that.
Writing to you tonight, we have gone through the portal of the new moon/solar eclipse combo and the full moon/lunar eclipse combo, made it through Mercury Retrograde, Mabon (Autumn/Vernal Equinox) and experienced two of three 9:9:9 energy dollops.
And this month is still not done...
We still have the second new moon of the month, known as the Black Moon as well as one last dip into the 9:9:9 - which happens to be tomorrow! Or today, depending on when you read this.
With all of that who-ha going on it's easy to get caught up in all of that energy, all of that crazy - you might be feeling overwhelmed, and it's totally understandable!
I myself have found it difficult to navigate some days, nigh impossible during others. It can be rather unsettling, especially when you experience a back spasm lasting for days at a time...
If I ever had a push to change some of my habits, I think this is the bull horn sounding as it's past time to get going on that. Admittedly I have talked about starting this and that as a way to get into a healthier life style, and while some things have stuck, not everything has.
Being pushed in this way also causes me to look at the bigger picture, which I have avoided in the past I think mostly because I didn't feel like I could handle the VAST BIG PICTURE. Every step just felt like a giant leap, and not that I'm ailing by any means, but I've known for a long time that I could be taking better care of myself.
As after almost a week of near consistent bed rest, I was excited to go back to work and get my mojo flowing. Subtly though, no need to rush into anything, not that I can rush much right now anyway.
I will say however that I was disappointed in my lack of enthusiasm when Mabon came round, because it's definitely one of my favorites out of the Celtic Wheel of the Year. Imbolc is neck 'n neck with Mabon and Yule sneaks in there too.
I spent the day getting used to my temporary medication and slept the majority of the day, but I did manage to send out my gratitude by making a list of all that I have to celebrate and burning the message. I also did a small meditation in which I spoke with all of my known guides and expressed gratitude to them as they work so hard on my behalf.
At the beginning of the month I was honored to celebrate the marriage of one of my dearest, and closest friends. It was magical in and of itself to watch him marry the perfect woman for him, and to dance the night away with him and his beautiful bride - and my amazing partner as well.
Barely a week after the wedding I received the best piece of news I've heard in my life - my case is progressing and is taking the next step. If you are unfamiliar with what I am referring to, I would encourage you to read the piece I wrote titled: Behind Door Number Four.
When I received the news, I started crying with relief, it was like a huge weight had been lifted from me. That's not to say that the metric fuck-ton of pressure and stress I live with everyday suddenly disappeared, it's merely one grain of salt taken off the top of a mountain.
I'm currently without a load of information, but I am beyond grateful and relieved to be moving forward, not just with my case, but in all areas of my life.
I can only speak for myself but I am feeling worn out by 2016. Granted a lot has changed, and there are still more changes to be seen or unseen, and we are very close to October which means we are that much closer to 2016 drawing to a close.
I really do find it remarkable, looking back to the beginning of this year; where I was mentally and emotionally, where I was working, who my friends were, who I was dating, what my goals were.
In just nine short months, so much as changed...
I'm grateful for those changes, I am grateful that I have come so far, that regardless and in spite of all of the hell that I have endured thus far this year, that I am still standing (mostly) and that even if I don't necessarily trust that I am ready for what's coming next, I know that I am not alone.
I think this is the first year in my adult life that I really feel that way. That I am not alone, that while I am capable of embodying the lone wolf, that I have a pack ready to back me up, ready to fight along side me, ready to face those hell fires with me.
I guess we'll see what else this year has in store, gods know it can be anything, and chances are, it's going to be everything.
Brightest Blessings to you all,
Thealynn
Saturday, September 10, 2016
Behind Door Number Five
Hey there loves,
As I am sure you are aware by this point, I am not afraid to talk about tough subjects, or if I do find myself apprehensive about discussing a subject, it's really only a matter of time until I feel ready to talk about it.
Well, this time is a bit different. This time, it's a subject that I am having a hard time processing. I don't think that accepting is the right word, but I think there is a resistance to fully accepting. The feelings that I experience are very erratic in that they go from one end of the spectrum to the next.
Today, I am talking about PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder.
In my last couple of articles I've talked about different tools, and resources I've been using to help me through this painful journey. One struggle I seem to be finding is that, the pain I feel has so many different layers, so many different aspects.
Some days it feels like those layers are so heavy, that I wonder how I've been walking around for the last four months, how I've been able to carry them all.
One thing that is scary but helpful about receiving professional help is that you learn to identify what some of those layers are, and for me PTSD has multiple layers simply within itself.
The connection to PTSD was made during my session earlier this week, and since then it's been a roller coaster of a kind of weight lifted off my shoulders having an explanation for all of the seemingly little things that I've been plagued with, and a sickening feeling in my gut telling me that I have one more thing - one more, big, heavy thing, to contend with and to spend my days identifying when it comes up.
It's a blessing and a curse because I've realized the extent of which I've living within my PTSD, and at the same time I can put those symptoms in a box; I can compartmentalize and remind myself that it's a temporary condition and that I won't live this way forever. Even though there is a real possibility that I will.
So many of the struggles I've been dealing with are symptoms of PTSD, because they are in fact so numerous. From trouble sleeping to reliving the event in my mind to hyper-vigilance, just to name a few.
It was difficult for me to research PTSD because as I would read the symptoms, I could feel the echo of my experience with those symptoms deep within me, almost like a ripple affect. It even hits me some times how right now, I am experiencing what they call 'acute PTSD' meaning the symptoms are temporary and they fade away with time. But directly behind that reminder is a frightening whisper that acute PTSD can turn into chronic PTSD. While it's not an idea that I want at the forefront of my mind, it's also a very real possibility.
This whole ordeal, this whole process has been nothing short of a trail, and while being able to find my way back to my spiritual path has had incredible benefits and has helped me find myself again, having a sense of concrete knowing, has helped just as much if not more.
Knowing what I am facing helps to take away some of the fear of the remaining unknown elements. Knowing now that I am experiencing PTSD, knowing that my friends and family support me without reservations or doubts, knowing that everyday I am doing my best to take care of myself . . .
Knowing that my case has finally be reviewed and is going to grand jury, helps me breath a little easier then I did the day before.
I know that I am nowhere near being out of the woods, whether it be regarding the legal process or regarding my own journey to healing, a huge step has been taken, and rather than think of everything that could go wrong, I am choosing to focus on the triumphs, and living in those moments of relief.
Just like I did in my article about tools and resources, I am going to include links for a couple of the pages I used in my research about PTDS.
NIMH-PTSD: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml
USDofVA: National Center for PTSD: http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/treatment/cope/index.asp
HelpGuide: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/ptsd-in-the-family.htm
I am also going to include links for suicide prevention, whether you are experiencing depression, anxiety, PTSD - whatever it is, there is always help.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-TALK
Here is the link to the private chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
One last thing that I do want to say is that, while PTSD can be difficult to diagnose, it's very treatable. Regardless of the challenges and obstacles you may be facing, you deserve to life your life to the fullest, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
So much love to you wherever you are, and please remember that you are not alone.
Brightest Blessings,
Thealynn
As I am sure you are aware by this point, I am not afraid to talk about tough subjects, or if I do find myself apprehensive about discussing a subject, it's really only a matter of time until I feel ready to talk about it.
Well, this time is a bit different. This time, it's a subject that I am having a hard time processing. I don't think that accepting is the right word, but I think there is a resistance to fully accepting. The feelings that I experience are very erratic in that they go from one end of the spectrum to the next.
Today, I am talking about PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder.
In my last couple of articles I've talked about different tools, and resources I've been using to help me through this painful journey. One struggle I seem to be finding is that, the pain I feel has so many different layers, so many different aspects.
Some days it feels like those layers are so heavy, that I wonder how I've been walking around for the last four months, how I've been able to carry them all.
One thing that is scary but helpful about receiving professional help is that you learn to identify what some of those layers are, and for me PTSD has multiple layers simply within itself.
The connection to PTSD was made during my session earlier this week, and since then it's been a roller coaster of a kind of weight lifted off my shoulders having an explanation for all of the seemingly little things that I've been plagued with, and a sickening feeling in my gut telling me that I have one more thing - one more, big, heavy thing, to contend with and to spend my days identifying when it comes up.
It's a blessing and a curse because I've realized the extent of which I've living within my PTSD, and at the same time I can put those symptoms in a box; I can compartmentalize and remind myself that it's a temporary condition and that I won't live this way forever. Even though there is a real possibility that I will.
So many of the struggles I've been dealing with are symptoms of PTSD, because they are in fact so numerous. From trouble sleeping to reliving the event in my mind to hyper-vigilance, just to name a few.
It was difficult for me to research PTSD because as I would read the symptoms, I could feel the echo of my experience with those symptoms deep within me, almost like a ripple affect. It even hits me some times how right now, I am experiencing what they call 'acute PTSD' meaning the symptoms are temporary and they fade away with time. But directly behind that reminder is a frightening whisper that acute PTSD can turn into chronic PTSD. While it's not an idea that I want at the forefront of my mind, it's also a very real possibility.
This whole ordeal, this whole process has been nothing short of a trail, and while being able to find my way back to my spiritual path has had incredible benefits and has helped me find myself again, having a sense of concrete knowing, has helped just as much if not more.
Knowing what I am facing helps to take away some of the fear of the remaining unknown elements. Knowing now that I am experiencing PTSD, knowing that my friends and family support me without reservations or doubts, knowing that everyday I am doing my best to take care of myself . . .
Knowing that my case has finally be reviewed and is going to grand jury, helps me breath a little easier then I did the day before.
I know that I am nowhere near being out of the woods, whether it be regarding the legal process or regarding my own journey to healing, a huge step has been taken, and rather than think of everything that could go wrong, I am choosing to focus on the triumphs, and living in those moments of relief.
Just like I did in my article about tools and resources, I am going to include links for a couple of the pages I used in my research about PTDS.
NIMH-PTSD: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml
USDofVA: National Center for PTSD: http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/treatment/cope/index.asp
HelpGuide: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/ptsd-in-the-family.htm
I am also going to include links for suicide prevention, whether you are experiencing depression, anxiety, PTSD - whatever it is, there is always help.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-TALK
Here is the link to the private chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
One last thing that I do want to say is that, while PTSD can be difficult to diagnose, it's very treatable. Regardless of the challenges and obstacles you may be facing, you deserve to life your life to the fullest, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
So much love to you wherever you are, and please remember that you are not alone.
Brightest Blessings,
Thealynn
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Healing the Hurt
Hey there loves,
I will be the first to admit that it's difficult to know what to say after the last couple of pieces I've shared, it's hard to know which direction to take the conversation, how to shift the tone into perhaps not a happier direction, but a lighter one.
Under any other circumstances I don't know that I would share so many details of my journey, however in this particular instance, I feel that it is of the utmost importance that I be open and share as much as I am able to about every step of this experience.
I have spoken previously of some of the challenges I face on a daily basis, and I am sure that I will speak of them again, but today I want to focus on more on healing. If you haven't had a chance yet, I would encourage you to check out my previous posts that discusses both some metaphysical tools as well as resources.
I mentioned in my previous article that I have been seeing a therapist, unfortunately due to scheduling on both of our parts, our sessions have been a bit sporadic, and for the last month or so I began wondering if I was getting as much as I could out of seeing them; if their particular method meshed with mine and met my needs as I felt that they should be.
Roughly one week ago, I had the honor and privilege to attend a healing circle lead by a Shoshone-Bannock elder, who is also revered as a medicine man, and bundle keeper. It was an event that when I first received the invitation, I was adamant about attending, but as the event grew closer, I began to question whether or not I was in a healthy enough state of mind.
I was concerned about holding myself together emotionally, and mentally. I wondered whether or not I would be able to open myself enough to be fully present for such a rare event. I doubted my ability to let my guard down enough to receive the healing that was being offered.
The day of I was still unsure, and my anxiety was so high and so thick that I began to feel physically ill. It was at this point that I began to feel frustration and anger with myself, why couldn't I let myself have this? Why couldn't I allow myself this opportunity?
I became overwhelmed as I thought of them, their energy and their own connection with bear as one of their totems. I felt tears welling in my eyes as a wave of exhaustion came over me, I asked myself if this is what my life would be life from now on; being excited for an event but then be overridden by anxiety, by worry.
In my frustration I remembered that the medicine bundle that would be present that night was bear medicine. In my own path I associate bear with a very dear, very close friend who is more family than friend, a companion whom I have wandered the ages with. I have always viewed bear as a strong protective force, a comforting energy, I am reminded of kinship.
I decided to light some sage to help calm my nerves, and as I watched the smoke dance and twirl I asked Spirit for help. I asked that if I was meant to receive this healing, that I be filled with resolve to go, regardless of the echoing fear that seemed to bounce around my skull.
When it was finally time to leave for the event, I felt apprehensive and nervous, but I also felt an underlying sense of reassurance. I was not attending this event alone, my soul sister and circle co-creator was responsible for inviting me in the first place, and her presence helped to provide a sense of safety.
We didn't have to travel far as the event was held in a park area only a few towns away. Wandering down the path and into the open space, I felt grounded, connected and calm. The energy reminded me so much of my childhood home, and stepping into the yurt felt similar to entering into the family room with a cup of coffee for quiet time with my father.
By the time we were ready to being, I saw one more familiar face and I thanked any and all who helped me arrive as it truly felt like I was meant to be in attendance. I still struggled at first to enter fully into the meditative state as I have always associated meditation with a sense of vulnerability.
It would have been easy to let myself get worked up into a frenzy, and to be honest, there were a couple of moments where I could feel the anxiety working its way up. Every time I felt myself waiver, I called on bear for strength.
There was one phrase that kept repeating over and over in my mind as we meditated together,
"Everything is connected."
This is an idea, a sentiment, a belief that I have expressed in one way or another from time to time, but there was something about how the words flowed as he spoke them to us.
It was this phrase that helped me to open the gate to Spirit that I had so fiercely closed in my attempt to keep myself from falling apart. It was this phrase that helped to break the free from the anxiety that had ridden me so hard only hours before. It was this phrase that allowed me to let go, breath deep, and finally connect.
This was the first time that I was able to mediate since the assault. At a later time I may share what I experienced during the meditation, but for now I think it's something that I will keep to myself as I hold it so close to my heart.
Once we concluded our circle, I was able to spend a couple of moments speaking with the elder, I was able to express my gratitude not just for the experience that evening but for the work that he continues to do as it is in fact so sacred. It is an experience that I will carry with me for the rest of my life
I was also able to connect with the coordinator for the event, which I was very excited to do. I had connected with them briefly as I have taken workshops with them over the last year and half or so, and had initially reached out to them shorty after my attack.
I was relieved and thrilled to learn that they had some availability to work with new clients, and I am happy to say that I had my first session with them only a couple of days ago.
In the hour and a half that we spent together in sacred space, I feel as though I have gained more than the six to eight weeks I spent working with my other therapist. That's not to say that one is 'better' or more 'qualified' than the other, only that for my own journey to healing, that I need someone who can meet me on a spiritual plane. I need someone who understands and meets me where I am, and can provide me with tools and resources that not only encompass a spiritual aspect, but a clinical one as well.
For now, I think I will leave it at that. I will say is that no one knows what is going to help you best, but you. Only you know how you truly feel, even if it's loud and chaotic, deep down you know what you need to help you succeed.
Don't be discouraged by how much 'time' it takes to 'figure it out.' Some times you have to try different things before you discover what is going to do you the most good.
Until next time loves,
Brightest Blessings,
Thealynn
I will be the first to admit that it's difficult to know what to say after the last couple of pieces I've shared, it's hard to know which direction to take the conversation, how to shift the tone into perhaps not a happier direction, but a lighter one.
Under any other circumstances I don't know that I would share so many details of my journey, however in this particular instance, I feel that it is of the utmost importance that I be open and share as much as I am able to about every step of this experience.
I have spoken previously of some of the challenges I face on a daily basis, and I am sure that I will speak of them again, but today I want to focus on more on healing. If you haven't had a chance yet, I would encourage you to check out my previous posts that discusses both some metaphysical tools as well as resources.
I mentioned in my previous article that I have been seeing a therapist, unfortunately due to scheduling on both of our parts, our sessions have been a bit sporadic, and for the last month or so I began wondering if I was getting as much as I could out of seeing them; if their particular method meshed with mine and met my needs as I felt that they should be.
Roughly one week ago, I had the honor and privilege to attend a healing circle lead by a Shoshone-Bannock elder, who is also revered as a medicine man, and bundle keeper. It was an event that when I first received the invitation, I was adamant about attending, but as the event grew closer, I began to question whether or not I was in a healthy enough state of mind.
I was concerned about holding myself together emotionally, and mentally. I wondered whether or not I would be able to open myself enough to be fully present for such a rare event. I doubted my ability to let my guard down enough to receive the healing that was being offered.
The day of I was still unsure, and my anxiety was so high and so thick that I began to feel physically ill. It was at this point that I began to feel frustration and anger with myself, why couldn't I let myself have this? Why couldn't I allow myself this opportunity?
I became overwhelmed as I thought of them, their energy and their own connection with bear as one of their totems. I felt tears welling in my eyes as a wave of exhaustion came over me, I asked myself if this is what my life would be life from now on; being excited for an event but then be overridden by anxiety, by worry.
In my frustration I remembered that the medicine bundle that would be present that night was bear medicine. In my own path I associate bear with a very dear, very close friend who is more family than friend, a companion whom I have wandered the ages with. I have always viewed bear as a strong protective force, a comforting energy, I am reminded of kinship.
I decided to light some sage to help calm my nerves, and as I watched the smoke dance and twirl I asked Spirit for help. I asked that if I was meant to receive this healing, that I be filled with resolve to go, regardless of the echoing fear that seemed to bounce around my skull.
When it was finally time to leave for the event, I felt apprehensive and nervous, but I also felt an underlying sense of reassurance. I was not attending this event alone, my soul sister and circle co-creator was responsible for inviting me in the first place, and her presence helped to provide a sense of safety.
We didn't have to travel far as the event was held in a park area only a few towns away. Wandering down the path and into the open space, I felt grounded, connected and calm. The energy reminded me so much of my childhood home, and stepping into the yurt felt similar to entering into the family room with a cup of coffee for quiet time with my father.
By the time we were ready to being, I saw one more familiar face and I thanked any and all who helped me arrive as it truly felt like I was meant to be in attendance. I still struggled at first to enter fully into the meditative state as I have always associated meditation with a sense of vulnerability.
It would have been easy to let myself get worked up into a frenzy, and to be honest, there were a couple of moments where I could feel the anxiety working its way up. Every time I felt myself waiver, I called on bear for strength.
There was one phrase that kept repeating over and over in my mind as we meditated together,
"Everything is connected."
This is an idea, a sentiment, a belief that I have expressed in one way or another from time to time, but there was something about how the words flowed as he spoke them to us.
It was this phrase that helped me to open the gate to Spirit that I had so fiercely closed in my attempt to keep myself from falling apart. It was this phrase that helped to break the free from the anxiety that had ridden me so hard only hours before. It was this phrase that allowed me to let go, breath deep, and finally connect.
This was the first time that I was able to mediate since the assault. At a later time I may share what I experienced during the meditation, but for now I think it's something that I will keep to myself as I hold it so close to my heart.
Once we concluded our circle, I was able to spend a couple of moments speaking with the elder, I was able to express my gratitude not just for the experience that evening but for the work that he continues to do as it is in fact so sacred. It is an experience that I will carry with me for the rest of my life
I was also able to connect with the coordinator for the event, which I was very excited to do. I had connected with them briefly as I have taken workshops with them over the last year and half or so, and had initially reached out to them shorty after my attack.
I was relieved and thrilled to learn that they had some availability to work with new clients, and I am happy to say that I had my first session with them only a couple of days ago.
In the hour and a half that we spent together in sacred space, I feel as though I have gained more than the six to eight weeks I spent working with my other therapist. That's not to say that one is 'better' or more 'qualified' than the other, only that for my own journey to healing, that I need someone who can meet me on a spiritual plane. I need someone who understands and meets me where I am, and can provide me with tools and resources that not only encompass a spiritual aspect, but a clinical one as well.
For now, I think I will leave it at that. I will say is that no one knows what is going to help you best, but you. Only you know how you truly feel, even if it's loud and chaotic, deep down you know what you need to help you succeed.
Don't be discouraged by how much 'time' it takes to 'figure it out.' Some times you have to try different things before you discover what is going to do you the most good.
Until next time loves,
Thealynn
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Tools and Resources; Healing from Sexual Assault
Hello my dears,
When I decided to come out to you all about my experience surviving sexual assault, I knew from the get-go that I wasn't going to stop there, but that I would want to share the tools I've been using to help me with the healing process. I also knew that I wanted to share resources, some of which I have utilized myself, that can at least be a starting point.
I think it goes without saying that no tool by itself is ever going to cure the hurt or take away the anger that I feel, true healing doesn't work on a time table and must be consistently nurtured, there is no cure-all, there is no way to make it vanish without a trace.
You may be wondering why I didn't include these things in the first two articles I wrote concerning my experience. Believe me, it did cross my mind, I thought about it long and hard before hitting the little 'publish' button that makes these pieces available for everyone to see.
The fact is that I was in a place where I simply needed to express myself, and say what I needed to say. I needed to be able to cry as I wrote and process those emotions and do so in a space that was specifically designed for that. I needed to allow myself that time and space to be vulnerable and raw and to not hold back, so that's what I did.
I have said this before, and I doubt that this is the last time I will say this but for the sake of putting it out there: some of these are tools that I work with in my own personal practice. In no way do I believe that they are the end all, be all or that they will work for everyone.
Now that I've gotten that out of the way ~
The first step I would encourage everyone to do is to report the incident to the police. I understand and relate first hand how humiliating and shameful it can feel to go to a complete stranger and tell them about your experience. I myself went to two different police stations to report my attacker. I initially went to the police station in my town, but because the crime was committed in a different county, I needed to go there instead.
Before I move on, I want to say that I was treated with dignity and respect by both of the officers with whom I spoke, and have worked with. Both were kind and compassionate and gave me peace of mind as I took these first steps.
The next step I would also encourage of everyone is to go to the hospital or if you are able to, go their first. Again, it can be frightening, humiliating and shameful, but it can not only be beneficial to your case, but you can also be treated for any STI's that may have been passed to you. If you do head to the hospital first, they can always contact the police for you there.
I would also encourage everyone to seek professional help. Whether you yourself are a survivor or someone you love is, having someone who is professionally trained and is unbiased to help you work through your struggles is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Please do not let the lack of insurance be a road block to you getting the help that you need, there are so many payment free options, such as community counselors, support groups, and online support.
There is help available to you, don't fall into the trap of telling yourself that you are 'fine' if you are not, it's okay to not be after experiencing such trauma.
I would also encourage you to not let the outcomes of publicized rape cases be an excuse to not go to the police. It is incredibly discouraging to see so many in such a short amount of time, let alone all of the cases we never hear about. But carrying the regret of not doing more, not doing something, is optional.
I remember thinking that I wasn't going to report my case because I knew my attacker, and that I couldn't imagine what this would do to his life. It took me four days to dig up the courage and decide to go.
Part of what has kept me going and has helped me the most is that I am actively choosing to live my life the way that I want to live it, or at the very least, trying my damnedest to do so. Doing everything in my power to receive justice and to reclaim my life has been the biggest healer of all.
Some days it's unspeakably difficult, I don't always feel like being alive when I wake up. So I think about the things that make me happy, that make me smile. In my mind I picture the things that make my life worth living, I picture my future getting closer and closer every day that I continue to move forward.
As far as what I do personally in addition to what I have listed above, I spend as much time with my friends and family as I am able to. These people are my anchors to the life I lived before I was attacked, and they help to remind me who that person was, and how I can make my way back to her.
This might go without saying also, but I write, A LOT. There are so many things that I write or record of just me talking so that I can release the intense emotions that I feel. Expressing myself creatively is an outlet for the pain and the frustration. If you don't consider yourself a creative person that's okay, maybe your outlet is through physical activity. Just finding an outlet and allowing yourself that time can be incredibly beneficial.
This may come as no surprise, but I have a variety of stones that I carry with me every day, that I sleep with under my pillow, and that I meditate with. I even created a crystal grid with them, and recently shared the photo on my Instagram.
Starting in the center we have a Shiva Lingam, at the top we have Lepidolite, Black Tourmaline, Rhodonite, Snowflake Obsidian, Rose Quartz, Smokey Quartz, Rhodocrosite, and Petrified Wood.
These are all stones that either I felt called to, or already had as a part of my collection. Before dedicating them to this specific work, I left them in my window for a moon bath on the full moon, and continue to do so every full moon, so that the previous energy is released back to mama Earth and can be transmuted into energy for other people, places, causes, etc.
I try to do this with all of my stones so that their energy can be replenished and as a form of thanks for the work that they do, as I do my own work.
I still struggle with sleeping well, or even through the night, so a couple of the things I have found that help me is having fresh lavender under my pillow. I also play white noise to help distract me from the constant train of thought. I was fortunate enough that as I was searching for some of the stones I listed above that the shop I was in offered these little lavender bundles, but they are very easily made on your own.
If you are allergic to lavender, this might not be a viable option, but I have found that a calming scent can be incredibly helpful.
Essential oil is another way to go as there are so many varieties available, some are even designed for that calming affect.
One of my dear friends is a doTERRA consultant and gifted me a little bottle of the Wild Orange. I tend to use it on my hands when I travel as it is easy to play off getting a quick whiff to help calm my nerves.
Some times I simply carry the bottle with me if I am not able to wear it, such as when I am at work. Being in a bakery I am constantly wearing gloves and washing my hands, so rather than constantly putting it on and risking the food I touch taste of orange, I can take a quick smell from the bottle in between tasks and not risk cross contamination.
These are just a few of the tools I have been using to help me cope with the trauma and anxiety that comes with being a survivor. I have also pushed myself into working on growing my spiritual practice by getting back into reading. For example, I just finished Starhawk's The Spiral Dance.
Not only did it help me to connect certain thoughts and feelings I had about the Craft to a place of understanding and safety, but there were sections of the book that provided me healing that I wasn't even expecting.
I originally borrow a copy of the 10th Anniversary edition from the same friend who gifted me the doTERRA, and I ended up having it so long I purchased her a replacement copy.
The Spiral Dance is a book that I intend to do a review on in the near future, I hope to be able to do so before the end of the year, but we'll see if we get there.
I also began working through a couple of books with my circle members, one of them is called Following Your Path by Alexandra Collins Dickerman. This book is designed as a work book as you take the journey of the Fool through the archetypes of the major arcana.
The other is called In The Shadow of 13 Moons by Kimberly Sherman-Cook. This book is all about Shadow work, and is designed to work through a thirteen month period as all the work is done during the time of the dark or new moon.
It might seem like heavy work, but these are all forms of me taking control, making conscious choices and doing what I feel is best for me. When I first began to process what had happened to me, I cut off my connection with Spirit completely, I was in no place to even want to think about it.
All of these things came later, when I felt ready. In the first weeks after my attack, I spent a lot of time utilizing the internet, finding out what to expect from this process, and what resources I had available to me.
I have to say though, that none of these things would make the least bit of difference if I didn't want to be here. If I didn't want to fight, if I didn't want my life back, if I didn't want to remain a victim.
Something horrible happened to me, something that I couldn't stop from happening, something that I didn't ask for. But it happened. And what happens now, for the most part is up to me.
I started taking back control of my life when I decided to go to the police, and even though I have done everything I can do for the time being, I did something. Even if, god forbid my case doesn't go anywhere, I can look back and say that I did what I could.
I refuse to remain a victim, I refuse to live that way. Because I have lived that way, the first several weeks it was all I could do. I needed that time to embrace the pain to the up most of which I could take it. And there are days when I still feel its echo, I honestly don't know if it's something that will ever leave me.
My choice to say no was taken away that night, but every day that I choose to say yes to myself, I heal a little bit more.
Yes, I deserve happiness. Yes, I deserve success. Yes, I deserve justice. Yes, I deserve to have my voice heard. Yes, I deserve the right to say, no. Yes, I deserve to heal.
Every day that I choose to live, to be a survivor, I heal a little bit more. Every day that you choose to, you heal a little bit more.
Yes, you deserve happiness. Yes, you deserve success. Yes, you deserve justice. Yes, you deserve to have your voice heard. Yes, you deserve the right to say no. Yes, you deserve the right to heal.
First and foremost I want to share the phone numbers and chats for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and the National Sexual Assault Hotline.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-TALK
Here is the link to the private chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 or 1-800-656-HOPE
Here is the link to the private chat: https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp
https://www.rainn.org/
RAINN is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. They are bursting with information, and one of the main resources I used, including their confidential chat which I utilized while I decided on a therapist.
https://www.notalone.gov/resources/
Not Alone was also incredibly helpful because it provided me with a list of crisis centers as well as a hot line that is confidential and 24/7
http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_national_type.php?type_id=1056
WomensLaw is a great site for information about different organizations, statics, and additional resources to get you the help that you need.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Lifeline is always a resource to be aware of regardless of what crisis you might be facing, there is someone who is willing to be there for you.
I may not know you, I may never know you. I may never know your story, hear your laughter or be able to hold you while you cry. But wherever you are, know that I love you.
Know that there are people in this world who love you, who need you, who want to be there to support you. Know that you mean something to this world, know that you are not alone.
Blessings to you and yours,
Namaste,
Thealynn
When I decided to come out to you all about my experience surviving sexual assault, I knew from the get-go that I wasn't going to stop there, but that I would want to share the tools I've been using to help me with the healing process. I also knew that I wanted to share resources, some of which I have utilized myself, that can at least be a starting point.
I think it goes without saying that no tool by itself is ever going to cure the hurt or take away the anger that I feel, true healing doesn't work on a time table and must be consistently nurtured, there is no cure-all, there is no way to make it vanish without a trace.
You may be wondering why I didn't include these things in the first two articles I wrote concerning my experience. Believe me, it did cross my mind, I thought about it long and hard before hitting the little 'publish' button that makes these pieces available for everyone to see.
The fact is that I was in a place where I simply needed to express myself, and say what I needed to say. I needed to be able to cry as I wrote and process those emotions and do so in a space that was specifically designed for that. I needed to allow myself that time and space to be vulnerable and raw and to not hold back, so that's what I did.
I have said this before, and I doubt that this is the last time I will say this but for the sake of putting it out there: some of these are tools that I work with in my own personal practice. In no way do I believe that they are the end all, be all or that they will work for everyone.
Now that I've gotten that out of the way ~
The first step I would encourage everyone to do is to report the incident to the police. I understand and relate first hand how humiliating and shameful it can feel to go to a complete stranger and tell them about your experience. I myself went to two different police stations to report my attacker. I initially went to the police station in my town, but because the crime was committed in a different county, I needed to go there instead.
Before I move on, I want to say that I was treated with dignity and respect by both of the officers with whom I spoke, and have worked with. Both were kind and compassionate and gave me peace of mind as I took these first steps.
The next step I would also encourage of everyone is to go to the hospital or if you are able to, go their first. Again, it can be frightening, humiliating and shameful, but it can not only be beneficial to your case, but you can also be treated for any STI's that may have been passed to you. If you do head to the hospital first, they can always contact the police for you there.
I would also encourage everyone to seek professional help. Whether you yourself are a survivor or someone you love is, having someone who is professionally trained and is unbiased to help you work through your struggles is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Please do not let the lack of insurance be a road block to you getting the help that you need, there are so many payment free options, such as community counselors, support groups, and online support.
There is help available to you, don't fall into the trap of telling yourself that you are 'fine' if you are not, it's okay to not be after experiencing such trauma.
I would also encourage you to not let the outcomes of publicized rape cases be an excuse to not go to the police. It is incredibly discouraging to see so many in such a short amount of time, let alone all of the cases we never hear about. But carrying the regret of not doing more, not doing something, is optional.
I remember thinking that I wasn't going to report my case because I knew my attacker, and that I couldn't imagine what this would do to his life. It took me four days to dig up the courage and decide to go.
Part of what has kept me going and has helped me the most is that I am actively choosing to live my life the way that I want to live it, or at the very least, trying my damnedest to do so. Doing everything in my power to receive justice and to reclaim my life has been the biggest healer of all.
Some days it's unspeakably difficult, I don't always feel like being alive when I wake up. So I think about the things that make me happy, that make me smile. In my mind I picture the things that make my life worth living, I picture my future getting closer and closer every day that I continue to move forward.
As far as what I do personally in addition to what I have listed above, I spend as much time with my friends and family as I am able to. These people are my anchors to the life I lived before I was attacked, and they help to remind me who that person was, and how I can make my way back to her.
This might go without saying also, but I write, A LOT. There are so many things that I write or record of just me talking so that I can release the intense emotions that I feel. Expressing myself creatively is an outlet for the pain and the frustration. If you don't consider yourself a creative person that's okay, maybe your outlet is through physical activity. Just finding an outlet and allowing yourself that time can be incredibly beneficial.
This may come as no surprise, but I have a variety of stones that I carry with me every day, that I sleep with under my pillow, and that I meditate with. I even created a crystal grid with them, and recently shared the photo on my Instagram.
These are all stones that either I felt called to, or already had as a part of my collection. Before dedicating them to this specific work, I left them in my window for a moon bath on the full moon, and continue to do so every full moon, so that the previous energy is released back to mama Earth and can be transmuted into energy for other people, places, causes, etc.
I try to do this with all of my stones so that their energy can be replenished and as a form of thanks for the work that they do, as I do my own work.
I still struggle with sleeping well, or even through the night, so a couple of the things I have found that help me is having fresh lavender under my pillow. I also play white noise to help distract me from the constant train of thought. I was fortunate enough that as I was searching for some of the stones I listed above that the shop I was in offered these little lavender bundles, but they are very easily made on your own.If you are allergic to lavender, this might not be a viable option, but I have found that a calming scent can be incredibly helpful.
Essential oil is another way to go as there are so many varieties available, some are even designed for that calming affect.
One of my dear friends is a doTERRA consultant and gifted me a little bottle of the Wild Orange. I tend to use it on my hands when I travel as it is easy to play off getting a quick whiff to help calm my nerves.
Some times I simply carry the bottle with me if I am not able to wear it, such as when I am at work. Being in a bakery I am constantly wearing gloves and washing my hands, so rather than constantly putting it on and risking the food I touch taste of orange, I can take a quick smell from the bottle in between tasks and not risk cross contamination.
Not only did it help me to connect certain thoughts and feelings I had about the Craft to a place of understanding and safety, but there were sections of the book that provided me healing that I wasn't even expecting.
I originally borrow a copy of the 10th Anniversary edition from the same friend who gifted me the doTERRA, and I ended up having it so long I purchased her a replacement copy.
The Spiral Dance is a book that I intend to do a review on in the near future, I hope to be able to do so before the end of the year, but we'll see if we get there.
I also began working through a couple of books with my circle members, one of them is called Following Your Path by Alexandra Collins Dickerman. This book is designed as a work book as you take the journey of the Fool through the archetypes of the major arcana.
The other is called In The Shadow of 13 Moons by Kimberly Sherman-Cook. This book is all about Shadow work, and is designed to work through a thirteen month period as all the work is done during the time of the dark or new moon.
All of these things came later, when I felt ready. In the first weeks after my attack, I spent a lot of time utilizing the internet, finding out what to expect from this process, and what resources I had available to me.
I have to say though, that none of these things would make the least bit of difference if I didn't want to be here. If I didn't want to fight, if I didn't want my life back, if I didn't want to remain a victim.
Something horrible happened to me, something that I couldn't stop from happening, something that I didn't ask for. But it happened. And what happens now, for the most part is up to me.
I started taking back control of my life when I decided to go to the police, and even though I have done everything I can do for the time being, I did something. Even if, god forbid my case doesn't go anywhere, I can look back and say that I did what I could.
I refuse to remain a victim, I refuse to live that way. Because I have lived that way, the first several weeks it was all I could do. I needed that time to embrace the pain to the up most of which I could take it. And there are days when I still feel its echo, I honestly don't know if it's something that will ever leave me.
My choice to say no was taken away that night, but every day that I choose to say yes to myself, I heal a little bit more.
Yes, I deserve happiness. Yes, I deserve success. Yes, I deserve justice. Yes, I deserve to have my voice heard. Yes, I deserve the right to say, no. Yes, I deserve to heal.
Every day that I choose to live, to be a survivor, I heal a little bit more. Every day that you choose to, you heal a little bit more.
Yes, you deserve happiness. Yes, you deserve success. Yes, you deserve justice. Yes, you deserve to have your voice heard. Yes, you deserve the right to say no. Yes, you deserve the right to heal.
First and foremost I want to share the phone numbers and chats for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and the National Sexual Assault Hotline.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-TALK
Here is the link to the private chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 or 1-800-656-HOPE
Here is the link to the private chat: https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp
https://www.rainn.org/
RAINN is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. They are bursting with information, and one of the main resources I used, including their confidential chat which I utilized while I decided on a therapist.
https://www.notalone.gov/resources/
Not Alone was also incredibly helpful because it provided me with a list of crisis centers as well as a hot line that is confidential and 24/7
http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_national_type.php?type_id=1056
WomensLaw is a great site for information about different organizations, statics, and additional resources to get you the help that you need.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Lifeline is always a resource to be aware of regardless of what crisis you might be facing, there is someone who is willing to be there for you.
I may not know you, I may never know you. I may never know your story, hear your laughter or be able to hold you while you cry. But wherever you are, know that I love you.
Know that there are people in this world who love you, who need you, who want to be there to support you. Know that you mean something to this world, know that you are not alone.
Blessings to you and yours,
Namaste,
Thealynn
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Speaking from the Heart
Hey there my dears,
There are some stories, ideas or articles that tend to write themselves, and there are those such as this one where I feel the need to write and to express myself, but the meat and juice of this project require something more than a simple need.
They take courage, they take resolve, and they take honesty.
When I very first thought about writing a blog I fully intended to carve out time however often to write about my thoughts, my experiences and just whatever else came to me. There was a chunk of time there where I was dedicated and writing in this blog was really all I had.
Things shift and change, the currents ebb and flow and there are simply some days where all we can do is our best to either hang on or to ride the waves to the best of our abilities.
I've written before about living with depression; the darkness I feel inside often lurking, slumbering - how even the slightest rocking of the boat can cause it to awaken and reek havoc. I've written about how most of the time, there seems to be no real reason or culprit for feeling the way that I do, because for all intents and purposes, that's just how it works.
So what does someone like me do when there is a reason, when there is a culprit?
From what I have witnessed people come up with one of two options:
1. Cover it up with positivity and pretending that it doesn't hurt as much as it does.
2. Start doing research about how to hurt them magically without having any of the resounding affects come back at yourself, making the situation worse.
Now, considering it's been some time since I've written about these things and my beliefs and ideas have grown and evolved, I have even more to contend with.
To recap; I believe in soul contracts, karma, multiple reasons behind every event that shapes one's life on any and all levels.
So when something horrible and traumatic happens, does all of that stuff fly out the window?
Not in the slightest. They may certainly take a backseat for a time while the rest of me figures things out, gets some processing done, and then I slowly bring them back around.
Because let's be honest, "Why did XYZ happen?" is a natural response, but it's not the first thing we process. It's something we come back to, some times even years later because depending on the event, it can take us that long to be ready to consider the question in search of an answer.
I recently wrote about being sexually assaulted, and the other day I contacted my advocate at the DA's office to see if any progress had been made, come to find out they hadn't even reviewed it yet. It was explained to me that the lawyer who was assigned my case had just finished two trials and that they had been very busy, to please call back at the end of the month and that should be sufficient time.
Looking back I am surprised that I kept my composure while I was on the phone, and even for a few brief moments once the call ended. It felt like time had slowed as I attempted to process what I had just been told.
I hesitated calling that morning, I was so afraid of hearing bad news, and I did. The words spoken to me were formal with a hint of understanding, but what translated to my mind and my heart was that the file of my case was in a pile, god knows where, and hadn't even been looked at.
I was filled with rage and pain and what felt like a lack of justice. I felt insignificant, and that the suffering that I have struggled to endure meant nothing to anyone but me. As the tears began to well and fall, I told myself no; I wasn't going to cry. But then I told myself yes, I deserve to cry. So I did.
I cried from so deep inside, I wondered how I was going to make it an additional couple of weeks simply waiting for an answer that might not even be there, and I'd already waited longer than I was originally told I would have to wait.
In those moments I felt so small, and so unimportant that I gave myself an opportunity to just be real about the negative feelings I usually try to keep in check. I cried to the Universe, to Source and was perhaps the most vulnerable, and raw conversation I've ever allowed myself to have.
I expressed how much I wanted my attacker to suffer, how badly I wanted them to hurt, that I hoped he lived in hell every single day not knowing if the police were going to come for him that day. How I hoped that he didn't sleep or eat for every day that I couldn't bring myself to do it, how much I wanted him to see a monster every time he looked into a mirror, that every time he laughed or smiled that he was filled with a sickening guilt that lasted for hours.
Allowing myself to feel and say all of those things caused me to cry harder, because I hate feeling this way. I asked Spirit to understand that all of these thoughts and feelings came from a place of hurt, that I would never want to be responsible for manifesting such things. That even through all of this trauma and hell, I've worked so hard at being the person I was, the person I want to be: happy, optimistic, and understanding.
It was then that Spirit spoke back to me, something I sincerely was not expecting. At first it was a feeling of being enveloped in love and compassion, and true understanding of the pain I walk with everyday. Then very softly I heard the message,
"We know, we watch you, we understand the difference. We are here for you always." It was the sound of a thousand voices from a thousand lifetimes of guides and ancestors and loved ones that make up Spirit and that makes us who and what we are, because we carry Spirit with us.
Later that day I had an appointment with my therapist and I told her about the phone call with the DA, by that time I'd rationalized my feelings somewhat, but when I felt the ripple of pain that I knew would come up, I let myself cry.
I expressed to her that at this point, the worst part of this whole experience, is the waiting. How I have literally done everything I can to get my life back together and to move forward and begin to heal, but that waiting for the judicial system is a hell of it's own kind.
It was then that I was reminded to a scene from the CW's Supernatural. I described to her briefly how a demon becomes King of Hell and he remodels hell to an endless line, in a darkened hallway without anything to distract you, and how once you reach the front of the line, you immediately return to the end of the line.
"That's what it feels like." I told her. She sat there a few moments picturing it in her head, perhaps even trying to put herself in that scenario. I then spoke about how even though it was incredibly difficult hearing that my case had yet to be reviewed, that there was still hope. My case hadn't gone anywhere, it hadn't been thrown out or dismissed. That was the silver lining, and dear god, I was holding onto it as tightly as I could, because I need it.
We always have a choice, and the choice I am making for myself everyday, is to look forward and to focus on the things I can do for myself.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that I cannot ask myself why I had this experience, I cannot go back to that night and ask myself why I took the steps that I did, because I have already accepted responsibility for the choices I made in what I believe to be good conscious. If I look at them too much, I slip over the line and begin to start taking responsibility for what I had no control over.
I cannot and will not ever take responsibility for the choices he made. Because those are his and his alone. I will not lie, it has been tempting to take the route of revenge, it's not a hard road to get on, but I have chosen to take the road that I believe is the right one for myself.
It's hell, waiting and wondering what will or will not happen, but I know that Spirit hears me. I know that the Universe is taking care of me, and I accept that when this situation is resolved, that it might not look the way that I want it to look. But I feel if I do not ask for justice, if I do not pray in my own way that I will wonder why the hell I remained silent.
I lived so much inside of my own head every single day, and while I may have been good at lying to myself in the past, I cannot do that with this situation. I want him to go to jail more than I want most things, I want him on a sex offenders list, and I want him to carry his actions with him every single day. I want him to take responsibility, and just own up to what he did.
I realize that I might sound a tad fanatical when I say that I do my best to trust in Spirit every day. I understand how I might sound desperate when I say that I believe in a greater force who sincerely does take care of me, and that this force in the end will bring me justice.
But I say these things because I genuinely do believe, and because I believe, I feel that I have an easier time walking and living in this hell that I reside in, even if it's by a mere fraction.
I have so many wonderful friends and family who love and support me, and I have an incredibly partner who is my rock and my strength, but they are not with me all the time; I believe that Spirit is though, and Spirit helps me hold on, Spirit helps keep me sane, and helps to remind me of the person I know I am and can be.
I know that it's going to take time, but I try to focus on the bright future that I have before me, and one day, this will all be behind me.
I ask Spirit to help me build that future everyday, or at least to remind me of it, because some days are so much harder than others. But I draw strength from those who love me, and I remind myself that if I quit, then my attacker wins. I cannot let that happen. When everything else feels bleak, that simple thought it what gets me going again. I cannot let him win.
I know that I am never alone, and I hope that everyone who reads this, knows that they are not alone. There is always hope, there is always the chance for happiness, you just have to want it enough. And I want my future more than anything. If I never see the person again, it will be too soon, but I hold onto a picture I see in my mind of my future, with a loving partner, a warm home and a career that I am passionate about; and they with nothing, in the same place they have always been in.
It is a full moon tonight, and an eclipse, and I cannot wait to burn some candles, and work some healing for not only myself but for those who have endured on this journey with me. I'll also be sending out healing to anyone who feels alone and hopeless, I pray that it reaches every heart that they are needed, and cherished and loved, because you are.
I wish you all the brightest blessing, have a splendid Full Moon in Aquarius,
Thealynn
There are some stories, ideas or articles that tend to write themselves, and there are those such as this one where I feel the need to write and to express myself, but the meat and juice of this project require something more than a simple need.
They take courage, they take resolve, and they take honesty.
When I very first thought about writing a blog I fully intended to carve out time however often to write about my thoughts, my experiences and just whatever else came to me. There was a chunk of time there where I was dedicated and writing in this blog was really all I had.
Things shift and change, the currents ebb and flow and there are simply some days where all we can do is our best to either hang on or to ride the waves to the best of our abilities.
I've written before about living with depression; the darkness I feel inside often lurking, slumbering - how even the slightest rocking of the boat can cause it to awaken and reek havoc. I've written about how most of the time, there seems to be no real reason or culprit for feeling the way that I do, because for all intents and purposes, that's just how it works.
So what does someone like me do when there is a reason, when there is a culprit?
From what I have witnessed people come up with one of two options:
1. Cover it up with positivity and pretending that it doesn't hurt as much as it does.
2. Start doing research about how to hurt them magically without having any of the resounding affects come back at yourself, making the situation worse.
Now, considering it's been some time since I've written about these things and my beliefs and ideas have grown and evolved, I have even more to contend with.
To recap; I believe in soul contracts, karma, multiple reasons behind every event that shapes one's life on any and all levels.
So when something horrible and traumatic happens, does all of that stuff fly out the window?
Not in the slightest. They may certainly take a backseat for a time while the rest of me figures things out, gets some processing done, and then I slowly bring them back around.
Because let's be honest, "Why did XYZ happen?" is a natural response, but it's not the first thing we process. It's something we come back to, some times even years later because depending on the event, it can take us that long to be ready to consider the question in search of an answer.
I recently wrote about being sexually assaulted, and the other day I contacted my advocate at the DA's office to see if any progress had been made, come to find out they hadn't even reviewed it yet. It was explained to me that the lawyer who was assigned my case had just finished two trials and that they had been very busy, to please call back at the end of the month and that should be sufficient time.
Looking back I am surprised that I kept my composure while I was on the phone, and even for a few brief moments once the call ended. It felt like time had slowed as I attempted to process what I had just been told.
I hesitated calling that morning, I was so afraid of hearing bad news, and I did. The words spoken to me were formal with a hint of understanding, but what translated to my mind and my heart was that the file of my case was in a pile, god knows where, and hadn't even been looked at.
I was filled with rage and pain and what felt like a lack of justice. I felt insignificant, and that the suffering that I have struggled to endure meant nothing to anyone but me. As the tears began to well and fall, I told myself no; I wasn't going to cry. But then I told myself yes, I deserve to cry. So I did.
I cried from so deep inside, I wondered how I was going to make it an additional couple of weeks simply waiting for an answer that might not even be there, and I'd already waited longer than I was originally told I would have to wait.
In those moments I felt so small, and so unimportant that I gave myself an opportunity to just be real about the negative feelings I usually try to keep in check. I cried to the Universe, to Source and was perhaps the most vulnerable, and raw conversation I've ever allowed myself to have.
I expressed how much I wanted my attacker to suffer, how badly I wanted them to hurt, that I hoped he lived in hell every single day not knowing if the police were going to come for him that day. How I hoped that he didn't sleep or eat for every day that I couldn't bring myself to do it, how much I wanted him to see a monster every time he looked into a mirror, that every time he laughed or smiled that he was filled with a sickening guilt that lasted for hours.
Allowing myself to feel and say all of those things caused me to cry harder, because I hate feeling this way. I asked Spirit to understand that all of these thoughts and feelings came from a place of hurt, that I would never want to be responsible for manifesting such things. That even through all of this trauma and hell, I've worked so hard at being the person I was, the person I want to be: happy, optimistic, and understanding.
It was then that Spirit spoke back to me, something I sincerely was not expecting. At first it was a feeling of being enveloped in love and compassion, and true understanding of the pain I walk with everyday. Then very softly I heard the message,
"We know, we watch you, we understand the difference. We are here for you always." It was the sound of a thousand voices from a thousand lifetimes of guides and ancestors and loved ones that make up Spirit and that makes us who and what we are, because we carry Spirit with us.
Later that day I had an appointment with my therapist and I told her about the phone call with the DA, by that time I'd rationalized my feelings somewhat, but when I felt the ripple of pain that I knew would come up, I let myself cry.
I expressed to her that at this point, the worst part of this whole experience, is the waiting. How I have literally done everything I can to get my life back together and to move forward and begin to heal, but that waiting for the judicial system is a hell of it's own kind.
It was then that I was reminded to a scene from the CW's Supernatural. I described to her briefly how a demon becomes King of Hell and he remodels hell to an endless line, in a darkened hallway without anything to distract you, and how once you reach the front of the line, you immediately return to the end of the line.
"That's what it feels like." I told her. She sat there a few moments picturing it in her head, perhaps even trying to put herself in that scenario. I then spoke about how even though it was incredibly difficult hearing that my case had yet to be reviewed, that there was still hope. My case hadn't gone anywhere, it hadn't been thrown out or dismissed. That was the silver lining, and dear god, I was holding onto it as tightly as I could, because I need it.
We always have a choice, and the choice I am making for myself everyday, is to look forward and to focus on the things I can do for myself.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that I cannot ask myself why I had this experience, I cannot go back to that night and ask myself why I took the steps that I did, because I have already accepted responsibility for the choices I made in what I believe to be good conscious. If I look at them too much, I slip over the line and begin to start taking responsibility for what I had no control over.
I cannot and will not ever take responsibility for the choices he made. Because those are his and his alone. I will not lie, it has been tempting to take the route of revenge, it's not a hard road to get on, but I have chosen to take the road that I believe is the right one for myself.
It's hell, waiting and wondering what will or will not happen, but I know that Spirit hears me. I know that the Universe is taking care of me, and I accept that when this situation is resolved, that it might not look the way that I want it to look. But I feel if I do not ask for justice, if I do not pray in my own way that I will wonder why the hell I remained silent.
I lived so much inside of my own head every single day, and while I may have been good at lying to myself in the past, I cannot do that with this situation. I want him to go to jail more than I want most things, I want him on a sex offenders list, and I want him to carry his actions with him every single day. I want him to take responsibility, and just own up to what he did.
I realize that I might sound a tad fanatical when I say that I do my best to trust in Spirit every day. I understand how I might sound desperate when I say that I believe in a greater force who sincerely does take care of me, and that this force in the end will bring me justice.
But I say these things because I genuinely do believe, and because I believe, I feel that I have an easier time walking and living in this hell that I reside in, even if it's by a mere fraction.
I have so many wonderful friends and family who love and support me, and I have an incredibly partner who is my rock and my strength, but they are not with me all the time; I believe that Spirit is though, and Spirit helps me hold on, Spirit helps keep me sane, and helps to remind me of the person I know I am and can be.
I know that it's going to take time, but I try to focus on the bright future that I have before me, and one day, this will all be behind me.
I ask Spirit to help me build that future everyday, or at least to remind me of it, because some days are so much harder than others. But I draw strength from those who love me, and I remind myself that if I quit, then my attacker wins. I cannot let that happen. When everything else feels bleak, that simple thought it what gets me going again. I cannot let him win.
I know that I am never alone, and I hope that everyone who reads this, knows that they are not alone. There is always hope, there is always the chance for happiness, you just have to want it enough. And I want my future more than anything. If I never see the person again, it will be too soon, but I hold onto a picture I see in my mind of my future, with a loving partner, a warm home and a career that I am passionate about; and they with nothing, in the same place they have always been in.
It is a full moon tonight, and an eclipse, and I cannot wait to burn some candles, and work some healing for not only myself but for those who have endured on this journey with me. I'll also be sending out healing to anyone who feels alone and hopeless, I pray that it reaches every heart that they are needed, and cherished and loved, because you are.
I wish you all the brightest blessing, have a splendid Full Moon in Aquarius,
Thealynn
Monday, August 15, 2016
Tarot Card of 2016
Hey loves,
I don't know about the rest of you, but this year has been a serious roller coaster ride. There have been so many changes it's hard to keep track of them all. Some of the changes I brought on consciously, others came unexpectedly, most of which were welcome, others not so much.
If I had the presence of mind to look into this at the beginning of the year, I might have been a tad more prepared, because my tarot card for this year is in fact, the Tower.
The Tower and I have a love-hate relationship. It loves to show up and I tend to hate it whenever it does, at first at least. Even though I am late in the year for pulling this card, I can feel the ripple of energy that began when the clock struck twelve on January first.
I started of the year in relationship that I quickly got out of, spent a few weeks single before connecting with my new partner, I've changed jobs twice, I've had the opportunity to meet my niece and nephew for the first time whom I now try to see on a weekly basis, I began the process of releasing dozens of item from my past that I no longer felt a need to hold onto, I started journaling and writing just for myself, I've connected with new and old guides and I found the synchronicity of two paths that I feel such a strong connection and pull towards.
Those are the good things, and I am grateful that there have been so many to balance out the few but traumatic events that have come with them. When times are difficult, I hold onto the good things, and I try to remind myself that balance is necessary in all things, but it can't always be maintained on it's own.
I'm realizing how much I crave balance, and as I am being confronted by and attempting to work through the greatest darkness I've come across in this life time, I'm learning a whole new respect for myself.
When I look at the Tower card, I can relate to the character who is jumping in an effort to save herself, where as the other character looks like they are being thrown by the force of the lightening strike, this character looks as though they will surely hit the rocks and may not survive (given what we can see from the picture.) The character on the left however looks as though they may miss the rocks and avoid further damage.
The character in red knew that there was no other way out, and even though jumping was a risk, it was a risk they were willing to take, it feels to me that this woman in red put her faith in what she held true to her heart, and took a leap of faith.
We don't necessarily know the fate of these two figures, but I see is that the destruction of the tower, perhaps their metaphorical walls, cause them to make the choice to crumble along with the stones, or to move on and to move towards something new, perhaps even something better.
What I experience earlier this year was traumatic and awful and some would say down right evil. There were times I felt myself caving in just like that tower, but I had friends, and family, and my partner to help me push the rubble aside, and lent me their strength and courage to rebuild.
Destruction before creation, death followed by rebirth, the ebb and flow of Source.
If you are new to my blog and have not had a chance to read about last year's tarot card, and want to find your own tarot card for the year, here's how.
This idea is based on numerology using your birth month and day, and the current year.
I will use my own as an example, my birth month and day are, 12/31 and of course the year is 2016. So you will take each number individually and add them together, like this:
1+2+3+1+2+0+1+6
When you add it all together you come to 16.
If you come up with a larger number than the number of major arcana cards then you take your two digit number and add those two numbers together.
The deck I used for this year's card was the DruidCraft Tarot by Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm. The deck was my first ever, as it was a birthday gift from my folks when I was first starting on my path, it is a deck I highly recommend.
With that, I wish you all the best,
Light and love to you and yours,
Thealynn
I don't know about the rest of you, but this year has been a serious roller coaster ride. There have been so many changes it's hard to keep track of them all. Some of the changes I brought on consciously, others came unexpectedly, most of which were welcome, others not so much.
If I had the presence of mind to look into this at the beginning of the year, I might have been a tad more prepared, because my tarot card for this year is in fact, the Tower.
The Tower and I have a love-hate relationship. It loves to show up and I tend to hate it whenever it does, at first at least. Even though I am late in the year for pulling this card, I can feel the ripple of energy that began when the clock struck twelve on January first.
I started of the year in relationship that I quickly got out of, spent a few weeks single before connecting with my new partner, I've changed jobs twice, I've had the opportunity to meet my niece and nephew for the first time whom I now try to see on a weekly basis, I began the process of releasing dozens of item from my past that I no longer felt a need to hold onto, I started journaling and writing just for myself, I've connected with new and old guides and I found the synchronicity of two paths that I feel such a strong connection and pull towards.
Those are the good things, and I am grateful that there have been so many to balance out the few but traumatic events that have come with them. When times are difficult, I hold onto the good things, and I try to remind myself that balance is necessary in all things, but it can't always be maintained on it's own.
I'm realizing how much I crave balance, and as I am being confronted by and attempting to work through the greatest darkness I've come across in this life time, I'm learning a whole new respect for myself.
When I look at the Tower card, I can relate to the character who is jumping in an effort to save herself, where as the other character looks like they are being thrown by the force of the lightening strike, this character looks as though they will surely hit the rocks and may not survive (given what we can see from the picture.) The character on the left however looks as though they may miss the rocks and avoid further damage.
The character in red knew that there was no other way out, and even though jumping was a risk, it was a risk they were willing to take, it feels to me that this woman in red put her faith in what she held true to her heart, and took a leap of faith.
We don't necessarily know the fate of these two figures, but I see is that the destruction of the tower, perhaps their metaphorical walls, cause them to make the choice to crumble along with the stones, or to move on and to move towards something new, perhaps even something better.
What I experience earlier this year was traumatic and awful and some would say down right evil. There were times I felt myself caving in just like that tower, but I had friends, and family, and my partner to help me push the rubble aside, and lent me their strength and courage to rebuild.
Destruction before creation, death followed by rebirth, the ebb and flow of Source.
If you are new to my blog and have not had a chance to read about last year's tarot card, and want to find your own tarot card for the year, here's how.
This idea is based on numerology using your birth month and day, and the current year.
I will use my own as an example, my birth month and day are, 12/31 and of course the year is 2016. So you will take each number individually and add them together, like this:
1+2+3+1+2+0+1+6
When you add it all together you come to 16.
If you come up with a larger number than the number of major arcana cards then you take your two digit number and add those two numbers together.
The deck I used for this year's card was the DruidCraft Tarot by Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm. The deck was my first ever, as it was a birthday gift from my folks when I was first starting on my path, it is a deck I highly recommend.
With that, I wish you all the best,
Light and love to you and yours,
Thealynn
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Behind Door Number Four
Hey there loves,
I have honestly thought about writing this piece over and over again, and while I think a part of me always intended to, I never quite felt like the timing was right. And I cannot specifically say why I feel compelled to do so now, only that I do, so here I am.
I think it's safe to say that I have never given any sort of disclaimer in any of my work prior to this, but I will say before I get started that the topic of this piece may very well cause discomfort in the least and be a trigger at the worst.
It's a topic that seems to be flooding our social media feeds, perhaps spoken with caution in groups, sparking outrage and bringing change across the world, slowly if not surely.
I am going to talk to you today about rape.
Here in America, someone is raped roughly every two minutes, a rape is reported roughly every six minutes, and one in six women experience sexual assault in their life time. One out of every ten rape victims are male.
It would be easy to tell you that I wanted to discuss this topic because it is such a deafening problem, which is true, but it wouldn't be the whole truth; and while it's also true that this blog is meant to be a place to talk about my path, and to share and to hopefully help to educate and inspire others who perhaps face some of the same struggles that I myself have faced - this topic falls under that category.
Because I was raped nearly three months ago.
Of all the events in my life thus far that have caused me to question my life, and my path, this definitely did it. This experience has challenged me in ways that I didn't know I could be challenged, and I struggle with it every single day.
This is an event that can potentially change literally everything about a person.
I have seen some very dark times, and one way or another I have managed to come out it for the better.
This was the first time that I genuinely questioned my ability to come back from what I was experiencing. For the first week following the rape I could barely sleep, I didn't want to eat, and I cried almost continuously.
It took me four days to work up the courage to go to the police. By that time just about all of the physical evidence was gone, so all I was left with was my statement and the clothes I had been wearing that night. Despite the lack of a rape kit, I went to the hospital to be treated for any potential STIs.
Over the next couple of weeks I struggled to re-assimilate myself back into my life between constant emotional breakdowns, and phone calls from the officer working my case seeking as much detail and clarification for the report that would later be sent to the DA's office. It would be almost two months before I received a call informing me that they had received the police report. They told me that it would be thirty days to process the report.
Within that time I shared what had happened to me with only a few members of my immediate family, and just as many friends. I ended up quitting my job because I was unable to work reliably, and I began to wonder if I would ever be able to find a way to be comfortable in the world again.
I literally hated being alive. I felt dirty and unwanted in my body. I showered compulsively wanting to scrub away the ghost who had so violently violated not just my body but my trust, and at times I found myself simply scrubbing until my skin was red.
I forced myself to quit crying because I was so afraid of being lost in that darkness of hating myself. I would barely sleep because all of my dreams were the shadows of what I remembered from that night.
I could so scarcely feel the old self, I wondered if she even existed. I fought the constant waves of guilt for my situation and argued inside of my own head for hours about what I could have or should have done differently to prevent what happened to me.
There was the reminiscence of the old me who knew that it wasn't my fault, that regardless of circumstance; rape is never justified, but I could only hear her part of the time and her voice was so quiet, like a half-hearted whisper being carried away on the wind.
It took some searching, but I was able to find a counselor who specialized in sexual assault victims. The first several sessions were filled with the tears I had denied myself, and while there was a part of me that hated myself for doing so, the other side felt so relieved to be able to simply let it go, because that's what you're supposed to do in counseling, right?
It's only been three months, and I am still here. It took some doing but I managed to find my footing again and I was able to find a new job. I still have trouble sleeping and some days I need to remind myself to eat.
I look back and find it almost hard to believe that it's only been a few short months. Each day is so long and carries so much weight with it, but then in the blink of an eye a week has gone by.
I don't know what might happen next when it comes to the legalities.
But I do know that I've made it this far. And even though I don't go a day without thinking about that night, and right now I see multiple things a day that remind me of the individual, I've gotten to a place where I don't hate myself any more.
I don't blame myself for the selfish, destructive actions of another. I found the strength within myself to take back the reins of my life. I may not have been physically able to stop what happened, but I can and do say no to anyone else running my life.
Truth be told I have been very lucky, I have received nothing but support, compassion, and encouragement from those I have shared my story with. Too many never hear or experience those things, and I have been given nothing but that and more.
For all of the struggle and trauma I have lived through prior to this, I feel confident in saying that I don't think I would have made it through without the love and support of my friends and family.
Whether my case continues to move forward or it does not, this is just the beginning of this particular journey. Being a survivor of sexual assault has changed my life forever, I will never be the same person that I was before.
To quote a friend of mine,
"This is the only piece of you he is ever going to have."
If there's one thing more I can do for myself, it's to make sure it's the smallest damn piece manageable. Every day that I wake up and choose to take one step closer to the self that I know I can be, that piece gets a little smaller.
I remind myself of that when the I can't sleep or when I have a day where I feel that guilt threatening to come back. Some days are harder than others, and some days I have to hold onto the stubborn nature that tells me that I cannot let him win.
Because every day that I live my life, every day that I find a reason to smile, to laugh, every day that I feel sincere gratitude for the gifts that I receive from the Universe, is a victory.
One in every six women experience sexual assault, one in every ten rape victims are male.
It heart breaks every time I see a headline telling the story of another victim. Roughly one in a thousand rape cases result in jail time. I find myself crying multiple times a day, it doesn't get easier seeing those things.
It's easy to feel like the steps I've taken thus far are pointless, because how special could my case be? What about my experience, my testimony could be so radically different where I receive judicial justice?
To be perfectly honest, I don't expect it at all. I am hopefully. I pray and plead with my gods every day to not let this happen to someone else who perhaps is too frightened to come forward, who is eaten alive by shame.
Whatever the legal outcome of my case is, I can walk away knowing that I have done everything within my power. So much of this feels as though it's out of my hands, and it's frustrating having to wait for a voice on the other line that might never call.
It's difficult to trust that things will work out the way that they should. It's difficult to believe that one day, all of this will be behind me, and that I'll eventually look back on this have a thick layer of scar tissue to point to as an example of yet another battle wound.
But then I see all that I have written here, and I recall the day sitting down on a couch terrified of telling my boyfriend of two months at that time, that I had been raped less than twelve hours earlier. I recall his anger and confusion and his heartbreak, I remember his gentle strength as he held my hand at the police station, and the look of certainty in his eyes every time he told me that together we would make it through this.
Of all the things that have changed because of this incident, there are some things that I refuse to let change.
I will never stop loving people, I will never allow myself to be hardened to the point where I care nothing for the people around me, whether by choice or necessity.
I will not remain silent. I refuse to let what happened to me be buried without any resolve, whether by judicial means or by simply owning my own trauma and one day using it to help be the strength for others who struggle with similar obstacles.
I will always trust that there is a positive to balance the negative, even if I can't always see it.
For all of those who have personally been a victim, or know a victim of sexual assault, know that you are not alone. You do not have to feel ashamed, you are not responsible for another's actions.
You are loved, you are cherished, you are worth it.
Light and love to you,
Thealynn
I have honestly thought about writing this piece over and over again, and while I think a part of me always intended to, I never quite felt like the timing was right. And I cannot specifically say why I feel compelled to do so now, only that I do, so here I am.
I think it's safe to say that I have never given any sort of disclaimer in any of my work prior to this, but I will say before I get started that the topic of this piece may very well cause discomfort in the least and be a trigger at the worst.
It's a topic that seems to be flooding our social media feeds, perhaps spoken with caution in groups, sparking outrage and bringing change across the world, slowly if not surely.
I am going to talk to you today about rape.
Here in America, someone is raped roughly every two minutes, a rape is reported roughly every six minutes, and one in six women experience sexual assault in their life time. One out of every ten rape victims are male.
It would be easy to tell you that I wanted to discuss this topic because it is such a deafening problem, which is true, but it wouldn't be the whole truth; and while it's also true that this blog is meant to be a place to talk about my path, and to share and to hopefully help to educate and inspire others who perhaps face some of the same struggles that I myself have faced - this topic falls under that category.
Because I was raped nearly three months ago.
Of all the events in my life thus far that have caused me to question my life, and my path, this definitely did it. This experience has challenged me in ways that I didn't know I could be challenged, and I struggle with it every single day.
This is an event that can potentially change literally everything about a person.
I have seen some very dark times, and one way or another I have managed to come out it for the better.
This was the first time that I genuinely questioned my ability to come back from what I was experiencing. For the first week following the rape I could barely sleep, I didn't want to eat, and I cried almost continuously.
It took me four days to work up the courage to go to the police. By that time just about all of the physical evidence was gone, so all I was left with was my statement and the clothes I had been wearing that night. Despite the lack of a rape kit, I went to the hospital to be treated for any potential STIs.
Over the next couple of weeks I struggled to re-assimilate myself back into my life between constant emotional breakdowns, and phone calls from the officer working my case seeking as much detail and clarification for the report that would later be sent to the DA's office. It would be almost two months before I received a call informing me that they had received the police report. They told me that it would be thirty days to process the report.
Within that time I shared what had happened to me with only a few members of my immediate family, and just as many friends. I ended up quitting my job because I was unable to work reliably, and I began to wonder if I would ever be able to find a way to be comfortable in the world again.
I literally hated being alive. I felt dirty and unwanted in my body. I showered compulsively wanting to scrub away the ghost who had so violently violated not just my body but my trust, and at times I found myself simply scrubbing until my skin was red.
I forced myself to quit crying because I was so afraid of being lost in that darkness of hating myself. I would barely sleep because all of my dreams were the shadows of what I remembered from that night.
I could so scarcely feel the old self, I wondered if she even existed. I fought the constant waves of guilt for my situation and argued inside of my own head for hours about what I could have or should have done differently to prevent what happened to me.
There was the reminiscence of the old me who knew that it wasn't my fault, that regardless of circumstance; rape is never justified, but I could only hear her part of the time and her voice was so quiet, like a half-hearted whisper being carried away on the wind.
It took some searching, but I was able to find a counselor who specialized in sexual assault victims. The first several sessions were filled with the tears I had denied myself, and while there was a part of me that hated myself for doing so, the other side felt so relieved to be able to simply let it go, because that's what you're supposed to do in counseling, right?
It's only been three months, and I am still here. It took some doing but I managed to find my footing again and I was able to find a new job. I still have trouble sleeping and some days I need to remind myself to eat.
I look back and find it almost hard to believe that it's only been a few short months. Each day is so long and carries so much weight with it, but then in the blink of an eye a week has gone by.
I don't know what might happen next when it comes to the legalities.
But I do know that I've made it this far. And even though I don't go a day without thinking about that night, and right now I see multiple things a day that remind me of the individual, I've gotten to a place where I don't hate myself any more.
I don't blame myself for the selfish, destructive actions of another. I found the strength within myself to take back the reins of my life. I may not have been physically able to stop what happened, but I can and do say no to anyone else running my life.
Truth be told I have been very lucky, I have received nothing but support, compassion, and encouragement from those I have shared my story with. Too many never hear or experience those things, and I have been given nothing but that and more.
For all of the struggle and trauma I have lived through prior to this, I feel confident in saying that I don't think I would have made it through without the love and support of my friends and family.
Whether my case continues to move forward or it does not, this is just the beginning of this particular journey. Being a survivor of sexual assault has changed my life forever, I will never be the same person that I was before.
To quote a friend of mine,
"This is the only piece of you he is ever going to have."
If there's one thing more I can do for myself, it's to make sure it's the smallest damn piece manageable. Every day that I wake up and choose to take one step closer to the self that I know I can be, that piece gets a little smaller.
I remind myself of that when the I can't sleep or when I have a day where I feel that guilt threatening to come back. Some days are harder than others, and some days I have to hold onto the stubborn nature that tells me that I cannot let him win.
Because every day that I live my life, every day that I find a reason to smile, to laugh, every day that I feel sincere gratitude for the gifts that I receive from the Universe, is a victory.
One in every six women experience sexual assault, one in every ten rape victims are male.
It heart breaks every time I see a headline telling the story of another victim. Roughly one in a thousand rape cases result in jail time. I find myself crying multiple times a day, it doesn't get easier seeing those things.
It's easy to feel like the steps I've taken thus far are pointless, because how special could my case be? What about my experience, my testimony could be so radically different where I receive judicial justice?
To be perfectly honest, I don't expect it at all. I am hopefully. I pray and plead with my gods every day to not let this happen to someone else who perhaps is too frightened to come forward, who is eaten alive by shame.
Whatever the legal outcome of my case is, I can walk away knowing that I have done everything within my power. So much of this feels as though it's out of my hands, and it's frustrating having to wait for a voice on the other line that might never call.
It's difficult to trust that things will work out the way that they should. It's difficult to believe that one day, all of this will be behind me, and that I'll eventually look back on this have a thick layer of scar tissue to point to as an example of yet another battle wound.
But then I see all that I have written here, and I recall the day sitting down on a couch terrified of telling my boyfriend of two months at that time, that I had been raped less than twelve hours earlier. I recall his anger and confusion and his heartbreak, I remember his gentle strength as he held my hand at the police station, and the look of certainty in his eyes every time he told me that together we would make it through this.
Of all the things that have changed because of this incident, there are some things that I refuse to let change.
I will never stop loving people, I will never allow myself to be hardened to the point where I care nothing for the people around me, whether by choice or necessity.
I will not remain silent. I refuse to let what happened to me be buried without any resolve, whether by judicial means or by simply owning my own trauma and one day using it to help be the strength for others who struggle with similar obstacles.
I will always trust that there is a positive to balance the negative, even if I can't always see it.
For all of those who have personally been a victim, or know a victim of sexual assault, know that you are not alone. You do not have to feel ashamed, you are not responsible for another's actions.
You are loved, you are cherished, you are worth it.
Light and love to you,
Thealynn
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Out of the Closet, Breaking the Silence
Hey there loves,
I wish that today I had something light and cheerful to talk about. An update about the changes happening with my life, an amazing interaction I had with my guides, a recent gathering of my Circle, instead I'm writing with frustration, heartbreak, and the burning need to just say something.
Early Sunday morning, on June 12th occured the deadliest mass shooting in American history. The last time I wrote about a shooting was last October, which you can read about here if you so choose. I will say that since writing that article, there have been a number of events that have caused me to consider the beliefs and philosophies that I hold, and despite all of the, I still hold fast to the conclusions I came to last year.
As difficult as holding onto my beliefs can be some times, I always end up finding comfort in them, but what's more - they motivate me. Ultimately I am encouraged to take a stand, to be a voice, to be a contributor to change.
One thing I will say that is that it can be disheartening, and even exhausting to fight for what's right, to put in so much time and effort into making change and then not see any change, or at least not see any immediate change.
Seeing the same tragedies happen again and again, and some times we can't help but wonder what in the possible hell is it going to take for the people that we as citizens have asked to represent us to do just that. But not just that, but to protect us.
To be clear, I say that not just as an American citizen, not just as a woman or as a pagan but as a member of the LBGTQA community as I am bisexual.
If memory serves this is the first time I have mentioned this particular aspect of myself, and while it's something I've felt the need to share this before, I want to clarify that I feel compelled to share now because I don't want to let this horrible event to be one more reason to hide.
Previous to tonight, I always told myself that I didn't mention my sexuality very often mostly because I didn't really feel the need to. I've always been fairly selective about who I shared this part of my life with because I didn't want to deal with the potential ridicule, the questions about why I haven't dated more women, or the possibility of whoever I told simply not believing that bisexuality is a real thing.
But events such as these are committed by those who are hateful, fearful, and desperate to cling to anything that allows them to stay that way. Which is their prerogative - until they lash out, and are allowed to commit heinous acts by those who to stick their heads in the sand and remain silent.
I choose to not be silenced by fear. I refuse to be a part of the problem by not being a part of the change. I'm lucky in that I live in a fairly liberal state, and that the elected officials for my state tend to vote the way I hope that they do.
I live in a place that is fairly accepting of people because they are just that - people.
I'll admit that I felt afraid to say something up until now about this because I didn't want to make it about me, because this tragedy, this horrific event is so much bigger than myself.
But the truth is that it's about every single person who is afraid to walk outside their doors; who are afraid to get on the internet or check their emails; who are afraid of losing their friends, their family, their jobs; those who are afraid to really live their lives because they might be risking those lives by simply being, by simply being brave enough to love.
I came across this video today from someone that I've been subscribed to for a long time. It moved me in so many ways, and was definitely the biggest contributor to me writing this article. I've shared the video on my personal Facebook page, and I'll be sharing it here as well.
I encourage you to watch it, to share it, to take action and to contribute to positive change, to be brave.
Hannah Hart: I'm Afraid of You
Never doubt that you can make a difference, never doubt that your voice has merit, never doubt that you are loved and cherished and are needed by those around you, even those who will never know you.
Love conquers fear.
Light and love to you,
to all of those who have been affected by acts of hate,
we are with you.
Thealynn
I wish that today I had something light and cheerful to talk about. An update about the changes happening with my life, an amazing interaction I had with my guides, a recent gathering of my Circle, instead I'm writing with frustration, heartbreak, and the burning need to just say something.
Early Sunday morning, on June 12th occured the deadliest mass shooting in American history. The last time I wrote about a shooting was last October, which you can read about here if you so choose. I will say that since writing that article, there have been a number of events that have caused me to consider the beliefs and philosophies that I hold, and despite all of the, I still hold fast to the conclusions I came to last year.
As difficult as holding onto my beliefs can be some times, I always end up finding comfort in them, but what's more - they motivate me. Ultimately I am encouraged to take a stand, to be a voice, to be a contributor to change.
One thing I will say that is that it can be disheartening, and even exhausting to fight for what's right, to put in so much time and effort into making change and then not see any change, or at least not see any immediate change.
Seeing the same tragedies happen again and again, and some times we can't help but wonder what in the possible hell is it going to take for the people that we as citizens have asked to represent us to do just that. But not just that, but to protect us.
To be clear, I say that not just as an American citizen, not just as a woman or as a pagan but as a member of the LBGTQA community as I am bisexual.
If memory serves this is the first time I have mentioned this particular aspect of myself, and while it's something I've felt the need to share this before, I want to clarify that I feel compelled to share now because I don't want to let this horrible event to be one more reason to hide.
Previous to tonight, I always told myself that I didn't mention my sexuality very often mostly because I didn't really feel the need to. I've always been fairly selective about who I shared this part of my life with because I didn't want to deal with the potential ridicule, the questions about why I haven't dated more women, or the possibility of whoever I told simply not believing that bisexuality is a real thing.
But events such as these are committed by those who are hateful, fearful, and desperate to cling to anything that allows them to stay that way. Which is their prerogative - until they lash out, and are allowed to commit heinous acts by those who to stick their heads in the sand and remain silent.
I choose to not be silenced by fear. I refuse to be a part of the problem by not being a part of the change. I'm lucky in that I live in a fairly liberal state, and that the elected officials for my state tend to vote the way I hope that they do.
I live in a place that is fairly accepting of people because they are just that - people.
I'll admit that I felt afraid to say something up until now about this because I didn't want to make it about me, because this tragedy, this horrific event is so much bigger than myself.
But the truth is that it's about every single person who is afraid to walk outside their doors; who are afraid to get on the internet or check their emails; who are afraid of losing their friends, their family, their jobs; those who are afraid to really live their lives because they might be risking those lives by simply being, by simply being brave enough to love.
I came across this video today from someone that I've been subscribed to for a long time. It moved me in so many ways, and was definitely the biggest contributor to me writing this article. I've shared the video on my personal Facebook page, and I'll be sharing it here as well.
I encourage you to watch it, to share it, to take action and to contribute to positive change, to be brave.
Hannah Hart: I'm Afraid of You
Never doubt that you can make a difference, never doubt that your voice has merit, never doubt that you are loved and cherished and are needed by those around you, even those who will never know you.
Love conquers fear.
Light and love to you,
to all of those who have been affected by acts of hate,
we are with you.
Thealynn
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